AB3

Darrel, thank you for your constant encouragement. Your motto is always in my head...."one foot in front of the other"

Thank you everyone for being so understanding. I absolutely hate this feeling, the emptiness, the pain of just simply being in a world that I just don't understand. I'm trying to hold on...as we all are. Maybe it'll get easier maybe it won't but for now I'm just....here.

You said a mouth full! Those are my thoughts exactly. People just expect you to move on and be thankful for what you have....it's not that I'm not but....well you get it.....

Thank you so much Marty. This is the only place I feel I can truly express myself without any judgement.

Please bare with me as I begin this vent session. I'm sorry in advance if this offends anyone. I really hate my life....sad to say but I do. Of course I am blessed to have the things I need (roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, and a few people who care about me) but I am not happy. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, and I lost the one person who got me more than anyone. At this point im just living just to live but really I just want to be wherever my other half is. I feel so bad for admitting this when there are so many people who lost their lives. I'm so sorry I don't want to seem ungrateful but I can't help how I feel.

I really dread Saturdays because it is the day my fiance passed away. Saturdays are also the beginning of my work week and I feel so much anxiety on those days. Every time I go on my lunch break I remember that fateful night when I looked at my phone and saw all these missed calls and messages. I remember calling my fiance and there was no answer. I remember checking my social media account (as I always did to see if he was online to verify he was ok) and seeing the word "Pray" as his mothers status which instantly sent me into panic mode. At that point I knew something was wrong, thinking he was in the hospital but then my worst nightmare came true after I called my mom and she said the most heartbreaking words "he passed". So Saturdays, the days I use to enjoy I now hate so much. I'm sure many of you can relate....

Good luck Darrel, you got this

Kayc, I just read the post froggie wrote about her experience with Long Island Meduim which reassured me even more that I'm not crazy, that there in fact is an afterlife. I wouldn't mind going to see her myself one day if there is any chance I can connect with my love.

Awww Darrel Im sad to see you go. Though we just met you have helped me in so many ways with your insights and support on the topics I post about. In my honest opinion, never let ANYONE influence how you feel or view things. Trust your feelings and beliefs....they are yours and yours alone and very valid. We are here to support each other through this most excruciatingly painful circumstances that we all find ourselves in. Post whatever you feel, as I said your feelings are valid and I know myself and so many others can relate.

Mitch, I'm so sorry that you have to experience this, I can relate as I often feel this way too but usually during the daytime. At night I am more calm, but the loneliness is something we all will never exactly get use to. Have you tried drinking tea (sleepytime tea) or taking a sleep aid before bed? These usually calm me some and alow me a peace of mind....for awhile anyways. I hope that these could help.

Yes I have read your post, one of the reasons I believe there is indeed life after death. Its still too early to say, but I have thought about contacting a meduim in order to connect with my fiance. Maybe later down the line I will, but for now I'll just continue talking to him and hoping for signs.

I know I talked about this topic before in my post "Life After Death", but I've been really thinking about the spirit world. Of course we all wonder where our loved ones are currently at right now, a spirit as great as they had must still remain somewhere....right? I have experienced certain things after my fiance passed that were just too coincidental. I also talk to him all the time in hopes that he hears me. I watched the show "Long Island Medium" that really had me thinking, is there a spirit world and can those who've passed reach out to people such as the woman in the show. Im just so curious about all of this, because of course we all wish to be reunited with our soulmate one day. What are your beliefs??

This is very true Brad, sad but true.

Hopefully so. I was just thinking about how happy I was and how confident I was growing prior to my fiance passing. I was actually starting to feel more grounded and working towards our future. Now I'm just lost and life feels meaningless.

My mom said she misses the "old me" the person I use to be before all of this happened. All I could think was "you just don't understand" when my fiance died so did that person and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I thought it was pretty insensitive for her to say it's only been 1 month and it's not like I can act like nothing ever happened (though I try to be strong). I'm numb inside, very depressed, heartbroken, lonely, empty and all the other things we as a group are all too familiar with. I'm not that happy, laughable, free spirited woman I use to be....I just wish she could be a bit more understanding.....

Thank you Brad. The poem speaks volumes.

It's been 1 month since my love took his last breath and of course it's just as fresh as ever. I could never forget the moment I found out he was gone....I was in shock and disbelief....it couldn't be....not my soulmate. That fateful day, December 10th changed my life forever....I could never be the same again. I miss him every second, every minute....every moment. There's isn't anything I wouldn't do just to see his face again, kiss him, or hug him....just to be in his presence. Still feels like one long nightmare......

Darrel, I feel these last words so intensely. I wasn't here at the beginning of your grief journey but you are much stronger than you may see yourself as. I hope that you get some form of peace....whatever that may be...

I'm flooded with so many emotions, in particularly the last few days. I'm not sure why I can't turn my mind off but I keep thinking about everything and I'm just....well...angry. I'm angry that I'm just expected to go on with my life like this a normal part of reality, though I know death is a "normal" part of life. I'm angry that I didn't spend enough time with my fiance before he passed because I always thought time was on our side. I'm angry at him for not telling me how sick he really was or what was actually going through his mind at the time. I'm angry that I let my selfishness get in the way of our relationship (working, saving for our future, and focusing more on my personal goals. Im slightly angry at his family because they were around and didnt make him go to the hospital like I would have done if I saw how sick he was. Im angry that I'm now stuck here....alone. Mostly I'm angry for thinking time was on our side that he got well so many times that he would again. That we would always have "tomorrow" and therefore a future filled with the things we desired the most. But maybe I was crazy or in denial because I never really looked at him as sick or having a short life expectancy (heart transplant patient), I was just blinded by love and the promises that came with it.....

Thank you all so much, especially thank you for listening and supporting me through this.

Thank you Karen

For the last few weeks I have been trying to be strong. I went back to work and school, I tried to contain my emotions as to not upset my mother who is very worried about me. I've been trying to check up on his family while also keeping my emotions at bay as to not be bothersome to them. But honestly I'm tired. How can I act like my life hasn't completely shattered into a million pieces. I haven't been sleeping, barley eating and trying to work while feeling completely overwhelmed. I know it's early in my grief, almost a month since he passed away ( on the 10th) but I'm just so tired of everything. The one person I depend on to get me through moments of grief or sadness is gone. I miss my best friend/soulmate. I'm so sorry if I'm constantly complaining on here. I hope I don't offend anyone just needed to vent....

Yesss! I feel so bad about that too. It's not that I don't appreciate the care it's just not from the person I wish it was from....harsh but yea....

I always believed that the point of life is LOVE. I believe everyone is born with a soulmate, the one person you share your life and dreams with. But what happens when you lose your soulmate? Is there really still a point to life when all your dreams and aspirations die with them? At this point I really don't know what the point is....maybe I had it all wrong....

Darrel I hope you know how inspirational you are. The love you have for your wife is beautiful.