Rae1991

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I guess I look at it differently.  Yes Jim and my breakup resulted from his mom dying and his being so focused on her care and his grief that he couldn't handle a relationship at the same time...I'm also a Christian, but I don't look at it that someone died so we'd get split up.  I'm a little more pragmatic in my approach, I don't think there's someone up there being a puppeteer and manipulating the situation, instead I look at it like the things that happened were stressors and Jim's way of handling stress came out, that is what affected our relationship, and it would have happened eventually as things DO happen in life.  I am glad I found out before marrying him.  On the other hand, following a period of no contact we did resume friendship and I view that as a positive.  I know not everyone can or should do that, for us it worked.  

I know the pain and how raw it is for your right now, that is hard to get through.  

Yes, we release themselves into being responsible for them while we be responsible for our own self, and little by little the pain begins to heal.  It takes time and we can't help feeling impatient because pain is never enjoyable.  But one thing good that results from this is being able to see with more clarity.  Hang in there, it will feel less raw in time.

Absolutely! Tim's inability to handle his personal problems/feelings is what ended our relationship. It would have ended eventually regardless because of these things. His father dying made him have to confront many of those problems (abandonment, abuse issues from his childhood, his father behaving similarly then abandoning his mother etc) that he wasn't ready to, and until he does that and learns to come to terms with them in a healthy way, he is incapable of an emotionally intimate relationship. Tim's way of handling problems became a pattern that I did not learn about until after the first time he left me (and more the second time). His own sibling explained to me that ever since Tim was a teenager, he would run from things he was afraid of or didn't understand. He ghosted at least 3 of his exes before me due to superficial reasons regarding normal relationship happenings (ie, talks of the future, emotional intimacy/sex etc). I never knew about any of these things until his own brother apologized for not warning me. He would've done it to me eventually too, I just didn't know it yet.

I am glad I found these things out before our relationship went further. God did not make this part of a plan, or make Tim behave this way. Tim CHOSE to behave this way, he knew exactly what he was doing. His grief may have clouded his judgement for a time, but after so long his actions became a deliberate decision. I am absolutely at fault for ignoring red flags and letting my hurt and love for him cloud my judgement, but I am not responsible for how he chose to behave.

You are not responsible for this break-up either, his fathers death only expedited the break-up. You said in a previous post that he told you before his dad died "he'd been feeling like he needed to break-up with you/having second thoughts about your relationship for X amount of time. You aren't the one for him" That right there says it all. He already knew he was going to break it off, he just hadn't yet. His fathers death merely gave him a reason/excuse to cut the cord he was already holding scissors to. Be glad it ended sooner rather than after you got further involved or married.

When Joe left me I was blindsided with grief and hurt, but these days I am grateful for it. I would've left/divorced him by now had we gotten married because I would've outgrown him, in a way I already had, I just didn't see it at the time because I was in the midst of college and young adulthood. He is still the same "stuck in high school glory/small-town life" guy that left me 6 years ago, he's just 6 years older now and still going nowhere. Our love was perfect and right for us when we were teenagers and young, but now that we're adults, it's not.

2 hours ago, Quixx said:

It’s just frustrating to me that so many people said I was a gift to him when his father died because I’d be able to help him through his grief blah blah blah and for a while I believed that God took his dad because he knew he would be in a good place to handle it. But now that feeling is gone. I just don’t understand why God would take someone from us when those around aren’t able to handle it. I’m not angry about the breakup anymore, but I am angry at the loss of a great man. I guess now i’m grieving over the actual deaths i’ve had to endure the past year. 

DO NOT LET OTHERS PUT THAT ONUS UNTO YOU! It is NOT your job to fix his grief. As a partner, it is your job to be supportive and be there for him when he asks, sure; but we all need to walk this grief path in our own way and fix ourselves, and he chose to walk this path completely alone without your moral support, and that is HIS FAULT, not yours.

Sidenote: This is progress. The anger has subsided from the break-up and your emotions are beginning to settle, allowing you to focus your energy on others things (such as actually hashing out your grief from the deaths) instead of focusing all your time and energy on him and his problems.

-- Rae 

To add: Making such a rash decision will only display to him/his family, your friends and yourself that he has more control and power over you than YOU do.

And that is easily the most embarrassing thing of them all: Changing who you are and your life, not only FOR a man, but BECAUSE of one. You will live to regret it.

Sidenote: If you feel that going to a different school is best for your career/future, do consider it, but not because you're sad, embarrassed and afraid of what others think of you being single. Make an educated, informed choice, as it may cost more, you'll have to move again, and all your credits may not transfer. Make a decision based on what YOU want for yourself, NOT what you think is best to get over some guy. Trust me, in 5 years you'll look back and laugh about how silly this is and realize you would've broken up anyway, heck maybe even 2 years. Stop putting the onus on yourself to carry hurt and shame that doesn't belong to you. If anyone should be embarrassed, it should be your ex for being so irresponsible, inconsiderate and sheepish. 

22 hours ago, Quixx said:

I feel embarrassed. I’m embarrassed of my failed relationship that didn’t end because of me. It’s embarrassing to face my friends and know that they see me hurting and going through this. It’s embarrassing to explain to people that me and him aren’t together anymore. A large part of me wants to delete social media and transfer schools. This is just embarrassing to put so much time and effort into something that ended so abruptly. I just hate it. 

Just remove him from your Social platforms, and politely let his mother know that for the time being, she needs to stop reaching out to you. It's as if she's offering some sort of olive branch to her son/family that isn't really there. She may have good intentions, but it's clearly hurting you.

Don't uproot your entire life and abandon your friends and studies. One of the pillars that counselors will tell you is not to make emotionally-fueled rash decisions in times of stress and grief, as they may be temporary fixes, but not long-term solutions. "Young adult decisions become real adult problems." I mean no offense, but In a way, you'd be mirroring your exes sudden rash decision making process, just in a different way; don't let his poor choices ruin your present or future.

I know how horrid and embarrassing it is to feel this way. I had to ask my ex-fiance's mother to block me on FB after I gave her mother's ring back because I was too embarrassed to tell her her son cheated on me, and couldn't bring myself to remove his family, a family I'd spent 7 years becoming part of, but I had to. I couldn't explain to his nieces, who I'd known since they were born, why I couldn't see them anymore. The gut-twisting feeling of failure having to tell my parents, and my friends, and having to start dating in a world I had no experience in as an adult. It made me want to hide, and for a while, I did because I wasn't ready to accept defeat. I made rash decisions too, I immediately went on dates with people I didn't care about because my friends encouraged me to and it kept me busy, started neglecting my schoolwork, and searching for a self-esteem boost anywhere I could get it. It didn't work and only delayed my moving forward (hence the year I spent pining and obsessing over it). You can't outrun your feelings, they'll always find you. If you don't deal with this squarely, it will manifest itself in other ways. You might be able to "run away" for a few months, or a year, but eventually, you'll be at work or in class, or the middle of a bar with your friends, and suddenly, those feelings you built up and ran from will find you again, and you'll be overwhelmed by those unresolved feelings and be sent spiraling back to square one as if it happened last week.

If your friends are good and real, they will understand and empathize with your struggles (we've all been thru tough break-ups, if they say otherwise, they're lying), if they don't support you or try to help you, they aren't your friends.

Repeat after me: His decisions are NOT my fault. I am not a failure because HE abandoned his promises and commitment to me. IT'S HIM, NOT ME.

I know that we cannot make you do, see, feel, understand why or walk away from a situation until YOU are ready, but what you are doing is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you failed because HE is unable to give you what he promised, and you feel cheated because you're somehow responsible for his behavior (hint: you are NOT), so you're torturing yourself with punishment and self-loathing, and letting the subtle jabs of his mom reaching out or his social media updates cut you down. It's not healthy, but I understand the fight for hope. Women are taught to fight to the bitter end, even when the man chickened out, gave up and ran off to leave you to fight his battle. Don't. You deserve better than some chickensh*t boy who leaves you to fight his battles and fix what he broke, while he walks away unscathed. 

You need to cut the cord. You cannot move forward while still attached to a leash. I know that it is hard, and time feels like it takes forever when you're in anguish, but you cannot fix your heart by clinging to what broke it.

--Rae

8 hours ago, Quixx said:

He reached out. I don’t even know how to explain how it went. He facetimed. We talked for over an hour about nothing in particular. It was weird. And I don’t feel bad but I don’t feel good either. I’m not sure how to explain it.

Plain and simple: He's breadcrumbing you. Which means he's contacting you when he's bored or feels like playing around just to give you a sprinkle of attention (breadcrumbs) to keep you on the hook. If he's not talking about apologizing to you or about what he's doing to work through his problems so he can get your relationship back, there's no reason to be talking to you. What is there to talk about, the weather and your classes? He can do that with his friends while respecting you enough to leave you be and let you get on with your life.

On 1/10/2019 at 8:25 AM, kayc said:

He's playing it both ways by breaking up with you and then drawing you in with words...pay attention to what he's done, not what he's saying.  Words are easy, it's actions we have to stand at attention to!  he broke up with you.

I disagree with annisha68 in that hoping he will come back will push back the healing, you can't be on hold while he gets his act together.  Quit hoping for something that ISN'T and accept what IS.  It will be the kindest thing to you in the long run.  Protect yourself, stop seeing/talking to him, go NO CONTACT so you can begin to heal.  Right now your greatest concern needs to be YOU, let HIM deal with HIM and YOU take care of YOU.

Some wise words here. Joe behaved like this after he initially broke up with me. He did so because the girl he left me for was apparently having second thoughts, so he was passing time by entertaining me with words of affection and about how "he just needed to get his mind right because hes not sure about us," until she'd finally give him a shot. A couple weeks after he stopped answering my texts, he announced they were dating.

Different situations with the same behavior and what will probably be the same outcome. While he may not start dating someone else anytime soon, he may still drop off the face of the earth at any given time once he gets passed the initial stage of confusion and discomfort because he won't feel like he needs the "cushion" anymore. It's a really shi**y feeling, to be discarded so easily by someone you love. That's why we suggest cutting contact now, because it will save you from getting your hopes up from his words and even more heartache.

I wasn't aware of it at the time, but some years later I had come to learn that part of Joe's behavior came from the fact that he had begun to or already had, moved on from our relationship. He just did so while we were still together and lied to me for months on end until he found someone else he was interested in, and I was the last to find out. Had he just been honest, broken up with me and cut contact when he realized he didn't want to be together anymore, maybe the blow wouldn't have been so devastating and I would've moved on quicker too. Same with Tim, had he just been honest instead of avoidant, maybe things wouldn't have hurt so much. But we can't control how others behave, we can only control how we respond to them.

We don't say this because we think you'll just get over it next week, we say to cut contact ASAP because continuing to cling to someone who rejects you is not only humiliating and hurtful, it's mentally damaging, and that's not fair to you.

--Rae 

9 hours ago, Vanush said:

Another habit which I wonder whether either of you get into is looking to and pining for past relationships when you feel sad or your current relationship is not going well.

Perhaps this indicates that there is too much unresolved grief

I used to do this years ago when I was lonely, or still in the throes of moving on from a guy. These days, I'm aware it's unhealthy and counterproductive to do this while pining for a person. 

However, occasionally I do look at photos of my grandfather and John, but not because I'm pining for the past anymore. Now it's evolved to things like: It's their birthday and I wonder what kind of cake they'd want.

I don't miss Joe or Tim anymore, and my present life is better than my life with either of them. I've accepted we didn't belong together, but that doesn't mean the love we shared wasn't real or meaningful, it's just over now and I've moved onto better things.

Yes, you may have some unresolved, residual feelings from one or both of your lost relationships that are worth exploring. I know that when Tim left me, I remember some residual feelings from my break-up with Joe resurfaced because Tim made me feel unlovable and undeserving in a lot of the same ways. They're worth exploring, and no they don't just disappear. You need to confront, understand and accept them before they stop bothering you. 

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Love was the driving force behind everything we did and how we responded to each other, everything came from that, including the effort.  I was number one in his life, he was number one in mine, it doesn't work unless it's reciprocal.  Our connection was there, all the time, even when apart.  

Rae, I agree with what you said about supporting each other and sometimes timing makes a difference...I don't think George and I would have connected so well had we met when we were very young, we both had some things to learn to be in a state of readiness for each other, it's like the stars aligned just right allowing us to meet at just the right time when everything was in place.  It seems our lives were preparing us for each other.  We met in our 40s.  I can lament we didn't meet sooner, that all that time was "wasted"...but really it wasn't, it was all in the right timing, preparing us for each other.  Nothing was wasted, everything we learned in life up to that point was all part of it.

And yes, Vanush, perhaps there can be another...I can't imagine it but I've learned not to rule out either...I had a friend, Beth, in her 80s who met "the love of her life", they married and were very happy before they died, ten years later.  You never know!

Absolutely, KayC! Love is the driving force behind the effort! And, no time was a waste. I used to feel that way about both relationships, and college some days when I was emotionally struggling and refused to admit I was unhappy and hurting. But now I feel the same as you, no good relationships are a waste, and the bad ones are merely life lessons.

--Rae

On 1/9/2019 at 9:11 AM, Quixx said:

Hi. So we ended up having a conversation two days ago. The initial part of the conversation was just something we needed to tell each other, not regarding anything involving a relationship so I won’t talk about that part. What he said at the end of our conversation has been bothering me though. He said “I need time to think and get myself together.” About what? You made up your mind and broke up with me. What more do you need to say on Friday and what do you need a couple days to think about? Honestly this is emotional torment. I’m to the the point where I don’t want him to reach out because our last conversation was good and I feel like him trying to be fake nice and do the whole “hopefully we can be friends” “this hurts me too” and whatnot would just make me hate him. I’m frustrated that this was his decision and while he did cry and people are saying he’s heartbroken over hurting me, that feels unfair. It wasn’t my decision and it almost feels like he’s mocking my hurt by him being upset as well. You chose this, you shouldn’t get to hurt over hurting me. I’m not sure how to cope with these feelings. I have a therapy appointment on friday. I’m just ready for the situation to be over. For whatever happens to happen. Time feels like my worst enemy right now. 

It is emotional torment AND manipulation. No, he's stringing you along at this point. He broke up with you and explained that he's confused and "has been feeling this way for X amount of time;" What more does he need to say to you that he hasn't already said? If you don't want him to reach out, block his calls/texts for now, or at least do not reply if he does reach out.

He's broken up with you and isn't trying to be "friends." He isn't respecting your feelings or boundaries that he created when he severed your romantic ties. Friends who respect you, respect your boundaries too. He doesn't get to control when/if he chooses to communicate with you; YOU do. Repeat after me: He lost any privileges or demands of your time when he broke up with you.

What he's doing is using you as a "confusion cushion" to make the transition into his sudden drastic life decisions, grief and emotional instability easier. It is not your job to comfort him, be there for him or be at his beck and call, as I said, he lost those privileges when he broke up with you. You do not give "girlfriend benefits" to a man who is not your boyfriend. He wouldn't do the same for you, and he's made that clear. Pull the carpet from under him and do not respond to his pleas for attention, affection or validation. His confusion is NOT your problem.

Sidenote: How abhorrent of his friends to try and make you feel guilty for HIS DECISIONS. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. His decisions and feelings are no longer your problem.

 IT'S HIM, NOT YOU.

Go to therapy. Do what is best for you. Time feels like an enemy now, but when this chapter is over, you'll be thankful it was so short-lived. You have the power to end this chapter, close the door and turn the page onto a new chapter. Use it.

--Rae 

2 hours ago, kayc said:

The experts say there isn't such a thing as love at first sight, that you grow it...I think a little of both is true.   When I met George, we felt an instant connection, we could relate to each other, we could have talked for hours and really understood each other.  Chemistry/attraction can be part of it, but that's just infatuation, for me the attraction grew the more I got to know him and it was largely there due to how he treated me.  We respond to good treatment.  He always made me feel protected, cared about.  He often said he appreciated how I'd always be honest with him  Sometimes the truth hurts but he knew that no matter what I said to him, it was coming from a good place because I always had his best interests at heart.  We trusted each other, had faith in each other, this was core in our relationship.  He said he appreciated how I allowed him freedom...it never occurred to me to be any way different!  We naturally wanted to be with each other, and we held hands and cuddled.  it wasn't like that in my previous relationships. When we were apart, we missed each other.  Once a year I'd go to my sisters' reunions and he'd go fishing with the guys, but other than that, we spent our weekends together.  We WANTED to be together!  Neither of us felt smothered, if I wanted to do something with the ladies or he wanted to do something with the guys, that was fine, but most of the time we spent our free time together.  We were each other's best friend.  We listened to each other, cared about each other, it was just good and we both felt loved.  He was respectful and there for my children, who were teenagers by the time we met.  When we got married my daughter was on her own and my son had a year left of high school.  Him and George got along great, considered each other friends.  George was a wonderful stepfather.

This is what looked like a good relationship to me. I know how to recognize love because now I have a barometer by which to gauge it.  But people can fool you.  They can parrot what they know you want without really meaning it.  It's important to pay attention to red flags, not excuse them because they "must be having a bad day".  If something doesn't feel right...it probably isn't.  Consistency is key.  

Absolutely! With both Joe and Tim, the connections were instant. We WANTED to be together, however, that doesn't mean that feeling was going to last without effort, work and growth. That's how relationships last for years: consistency. While the initial attraction, spark and connection are great, these things don't sustain relationships. People change, grow and so do their feelings, if they aren't with a person who supports them and understands this, the relationship will never last. Even if they do understand it, sometimes life just drives people in a different direction and the other person can't or won't go with them, so they break up.

For years, Joe and I's relationship was similar, but as we grew up, we got complacent and stopped desiring each other, that fostered too much comfort it became a recipe for disaster. We were also heading in different life directions, he wanted a family ASAP, was comfortable working his job as a fast food restaurant manager in a small Midwestern town, and I wanted to finish college, enjoy being an adult and go to graduate school. What both of us wanted was not compatible with what the other person wanted, and it caused tension between us. I would have married him, but did not want children so soon, nor was I willing to drop out of college to do so and Joe was not supportive of my decision, so it didn't work. We slowly began drifting apart which led to his infidelity and eventual break-up.

Tim and I's relationship was great on the surface and the connection was instant, we enjoyed being together and WANTED to be, but deep down it lacked true emotional intimacy, and I didn't fully understand this until I learned about why he behaved as he did and his pattern of similar behavior with previous relationships. While I loved him and he seemed to love me, as KayC said, people can fool you. The way he behaved towards me after his father died was baffling at first, but once I started learning about his history, it made more sense. I was finally able to see the now glaring red flags that had subtly been there all along, and his mask was removed.

While both relationships had their merits and great times, they were not built to last, but that doesn't mean the love wasn't real.

4 hours ago, Vanush said:

None of these relationships worked out, but the first evoked an innate desire within me to love and care and spend time with the girl, despite her eventually not being right. Whereas with the second the desire eventually was simply not there despite my wanting it to be (although confounding factors exist). 

I guess the question simplifies to this, in the right relationship, should you feel that innate desire to spend time with that person a lot, or does it fade and require effort? (As it did with Sarah in the first 4-6 months).

i know I must stop the destructive cycle of looking at photos too, that never helps, it is just still so hard to accept it’s over as I find myself thinking over and over- what if I had one more chance. I think the reality is though, I tried and tried, and it made us both sadder

If you love someone, it should not feel like monotonous, hard and forced work to put in effort to maintain a relationship. ALL RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE EFFORT. Love won't answer a phone call, love won't reply to a text message, love won't buy them a small gift when they've had a bad day, watch their favorite show with them even though you hate it or remember how they like their coffee; EFFORT WILL. CONSISTENCY WILL. However, if you have to force yourself to put in effort that isn't being reciprocated, and your gut says it isn't right, listen to that and act accordingly by removing yourself from the situation. Remember, people can fool you.

Love is not just a feeling, it is a deliberate conscious choice too. Some days you or your partner will only be able to give 80/100%, so the other person will have to give 120%; you will struggle, you will argue and you will say things you regret and need to apologize for, but at the end of the day even when you're at your wits end with an argument, you still need to choose love and your relationship over 'winning' the argument. Even when you need to cool off and can't stand each other for a little bit, you still choose love when you work to resolve the argument.

Even still, breaking up and/or walking away from a relationship or person that you cherish for the health of yourself, is still choosing love.

--Rae 

18 hours ago, Quixx said:

It makes me feel better to know that none of my circumstances are uncommon. I really am taking all of your advice to heart. I’m leaving today to go back to college, and starting tomorrow i’m working 8-4 everyday so I’m excited to be busy and not have time to think about anything. Right now, I am reminding myself to have no expectations of anything. But to focus on myself and not stopping my life. I am planning on going to the therapist on campus and to do yoga/fitness classes and work as much as possible and try my hardest in all of my classes (15 credit hours woo!) Whatever he decides to do is on him and I shouldn’t worry myself with his decisions. If he wants to come back into my life I will evaluate it then and not let him back in immediately. While I still love and respect him, this feels like a betrayal of my trust, and if he wants to come back he’ll have to earn that trust. If he doesn’t want to come back, then I have to be okay with that. As painful as these past few days have been, finding this page has definitely been a comfort. Thank you guys! 

Fantastic! College is stressful and hard, but rewarding. Do what you can to alleviate that stress, but don't overwork and burn yourself out. 

Resiliency is key here. It is absolutely a violation of your trust, and a betrayal to you. Remind yourself that you won't feel this way forever, it's just a chapter in your life, and that life will go on with or without him. As you said before, IF he does come back, you may not even want to date him anymore.

--Rae 

Yes, Tim absolutely did. He only posted on his accounts once a week if not less, but I knew he was following my posts still because he would "Like" them regularly. Nothing but mixed signals. He couldn't call, message or even talk to me face to face, but he could stalk my Facebook. Mixed signals.

However, I will say this: I made the mistake of keeping Tim as a contact on my social media accounts, and I should not have after he left me the first time. It allowed him an "easy-in" when he finally did decide to come back because he knew where I hung out, who I was with and when. I should have deleted him that day, after I realized he wasn't taking my calls anymore, but I didn't because the wound was still fresh and I was still in love with him.

Reminder: Don't put stock in his confusing behavior, he's trying to behave "as normal as possible," just without any commitments and as if nothing has changed. It's not you, it's him.

--Rae

13 minutes ago, Quixx said:

We’ll see how the grief changes him, who knows, he may even turn into a person I don’t want to date anymore.

Exactly! When my Ex-Fiance Joe, cheated and then left me, I was devastated. He then tried to come back 5 years later because the girl left him for someone else. By then I was having NONE of it and he isn't a person I would date now because I am in a different place at 27 than I was at 22.

My ex Tim is the same, I wouldn't ever date someone like him again, he's 100% emotionally unavailable and unable to have an emotionally intimate relationship.

16 minutes ago, Quixx said:

Thank you so much for your response. I’m not sure why but reading the stories of strangers has been a bigger comfort to me than anything. I definitely don’t plan on putting my life on hold. Thankfully we go to different colleges, so focusing on myself and my own friends will be a little easier. This is a sucky experience, but it will give both of us time to grow.

As for a timeline, I feel like I won’t be able to determine one until I see if 1) He reaches out at all and 2) How he talks to me. But I’m not really gonna hold out hope past 6 months or so, which would be the timeline of this upcoming semester.

One thing I’ve learned from all of these stories is to give them space. And I am going to do that. As painful as it is, I’m learning that through this I need to let him make the shots of how he chooses to proceed and not pressure him. I plan on continuing to pray for him. We’ll see how the grief changes him, who knows, he may even turn into a person I don’t want to date anymore.

Again, thank you for your response!!!

Great Mindset, just take it day by day, find the silver lining in it and don't put so much stock in his behavior. IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS HIM.

First off, I am sorry this is happening to you. It is a really hard situation to be in, and many of us here were/are in the same space as you.

From personal experience I can tell you not to put stock in what he says, as you've mentioned he's confused and giving off mixed signals. Don't fall into the trap of waiting around for him to give you crumbs of a friendship/relationship. That isn't fair to you. For the time being, he has broken up with you. You have no obligation to him and should not feel that you do. If he asked for space, give it to him. But do not be waiting in the wings and hoping he'll come back around, because he may not. Do not hope he will reach out to you just because he said he would, he may just be saying that, but not mean it. Grief is tricky, it makes people very self-centered, selfish and sensitive to how others behave/talk to them. It seems that (in our specific cases), our partners cannot handle a romantic relationship because they feel they have nothing more to give, but don't abandon their friends because it's a different kind of relationship with less expectations. Do not just listen to his words, listen to his actions and patterns of behavior. He said he felt this way when his dad was hospitalized, that's "anticipatory grief," an early sign that he was already on his journey down the grief path. Now, he has broken up with you and is giving you mixed signals, he's unable to have any kind of a relationship with you, and it is a mistake to continue engaging him.

If you don't feel comfortable "being friends," you don't need to be. It is impossible to remain friends with someone when one of the people wants and is hoping for more than a friendship. It is manipulative, and it isn't fair that he gets to call all the shots about what happens between the two of you, especially if "friendship" isn't what you want. If he cannot be in a romantic relationship with you, and that is what you want from him, being friends is not going to work, and will only stand to hurt you in the long run. In regards to your reference to the concert tickets, he purchased those while you were still together, chances are even though he said he's been feeling that way, at the time he had no intentions of breaking if off, but now he has and things have changed, and you need to understand that.

Since he has broken up with you, it is best to go No Contact with him (including Social Media), focus on yourself, your friends/hobbies and continue on with your life. I am not saying go back to dating or jump into another relationship, but I am saying for the time being he has abandon you and you need to face the rejection squarely. You said he asked for space, give it to him without expectation that he will come back to you, has any obligation to you or you to him. Call it "silent love," if you will. I know that you love him and want what's best for him, but he's already made the choice to do what's best for himself, and you need to do what's best for yourself.

9 hours ago, Quixx said:

He claims this is the end of our romantic relationship permantly but I’m getting mixed signals. I respect that he needs to grieve and needs space and I’m willing to give him all that he needs. But should I hold onto any hope we may rekindle a relationship after his grieving process is over? And that maybe he’s confused on what he’s feeling right now? What should I expect in terms of communication in the next couple of months? 

* I am his first girlfriend and this is his first major loss.

To answer your questions: No, do not hold onto hope that he will decide to return. The grieving could take months, or years for him to fully be in a place where he has accepted and learned to live with his loss. In the meantime, you have to decide what is an appropriate amount of time you're willing to wait for him, after all he has broken up with you. Any longer than a couple months is unhealthy, unfair to you and you cannot sit around giving him all the power and waiting for something that may never come. The only person that will be hurt from his breaking up, and your waiting for him to return, is you. Yes, he may be confused right now about what he wants, but don't take it as though once his confusion is cured that he'll run back to you, again it could be months or years. Remember: He broke up with you. Don't let him breadcrumb you into sticking around and tolerating his emotional manipulation (even if that's not his intention, that's what it is), use you as an emotional "punching bag," or an outlet for his confusion. As far as communication goes, again do not expect anything. He might say he's going to contact you, but he may not. Don't sit around waiting and hoping he will, go back to your life, school, hobbies and friends. He has chosen to navigate this journey alone, and you need to let him. Any further prodding or pushing of him, or waiting in the wings may cause him to resent you.

I say these things as someone who's been there. My now ex-bf of 2 years Tim, left me after his father died abruptly of a heart attack. He first told me he didn't want to break up, and then disappeared from my life days later without a trace, leaving me in the dark, confused, abandoned and heartbroken. Three months later, he randomly popped back up asking to reconcile and I reluctantly agreed, I should not have let him come back as I was still heartbroken and confused and my gut told me he was going to do it again, but I loved him. He was still confused, didn't know what he wanted and would not communicate about what he needed from me. His actions made it very clear he did not want to be with me and had no idea what he wanted, but I ignored them to my own detriment. He used me as an outlet for his feelings for a few months, and then disappeared again. I never got my things back from his apartment and haven't spoken to him since. I had to make the choice to exit his life and purge myself of feelings for him on my own, because he wasn't going to give it to me. 3 years later, I am glad I did.

Please ask yourself: Why do you want to be with someone who abandons you when life gets hard? Life is hard, and that is a fact. No relationship or couple is going to be happy all the time. You deserve someone who is going to stand by you during those hard times. He's made it clear he isn't one of those people, and you deserve better. You may be willing to stick by his side, but he has already abandoned you and your relationship. You may have been committed to him, but he's made it clear he doesn't feel the same about you.

There is no "reading between the lines" here, he made up his mind, told you how he felt and ended your relationship. Again, I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear. He has broken up with you. Ditch the belief that he has any further obligation to you, or you to him. It is in your best interest to do what's best for yourself while also respecting his wishes and give him the space he wants. Show him there are consequences for breaking up with you, because there should be. He should no longer get to dictate the terms of a relationship he ended. You were the other half of it, you have a voice, and you have the power to say "no." Use it.

His "I'm not sure about you" is someone else's "hell yes!" Hold out for the latter.

--Rae 

47 minutes ago, slw60 said:

Thank you for your response Rae. As painful as it is to accept these things about a person I committed so fully to, you and KayC are right. One of the most painful things I've been grappling with is realizing he may have never loved me the way I thought he did. Especially to end so bluntly and abruptly, and to be so hateful during it (maybe lashing out bc of his own guilt? who knows). My immediate reaction was to hate the girl, but I know that is wrong. She is not my enemy. For all I know, she may not even know that he had been in a relationship with me at the beginning of their relationship. Even if she did, it doesn't matter. Our relationship wasn't her responsibility, it was his, and he is the one that chose to burn it to the ground. I just feel all these years have been a lie and that hurts so badly. And I miss him. I can't help but miss the person I shared every day with and had genuine good, happy times with for years. I hate feeling this way and I wish I could just wipe my memory of him. As hard as I try not to think about him, he is all I think about. I try not to blame myself but I do... I'm on this constant loop of blaming myself, then realizing I'm not to blame, then blaming myself again. I really can't afford therapy (hence the reason I utilize this forum, thank goodness for its existence) but I am seeing that regardless of whether I can afford it or not, I need to seek it and soon. Thank you all again for reaching out. 

This is quite common actually, and that's the hardest part of accepting that a relationship is over: Finding the balance and eventual peace in that despite how it ended, it wasn't all your fault, you still felt love, were loved and gave love freely to another. In time, you won't see it so harshly. But for now this is where you are and it needs to be taken day to day. There's no cure for heartbreak, only time.

I used to hate Joe, regret ever being with him, loving him, believed that he never loved me, wanted to erase my memory and everything in between. It's been 6 years now, and I don't feel that way anymore. Now, I'm just grateful to have been able to feel love for as long as I did. 

For a time, the love was real. But after so long, we did grow apart, we did grow up, we stopped fighting for it, got complacent, and we began to explore adulthood and want different things because we never truly figured out what we needed from the world, or one another to thrive. Ignorance can be bliss, when you're so green and in love, you think you have it all figured out and that love conquers all. Until reality checks in.....

It took me a long time to accept my contributions to the demise of our relationship, and to understand that his infidelity was a symptom of a deeper problem, both within him and our relationship. I didn't make him cheat, he chose to, and he has to live with being forever branded as such. However, I don't hate him anymore. I realized after so long that hating him was doing me far more harm than good, and that if I ever wanted to truly move on, I needed to let go of every feeling I felt towards him. My love for him didn't stop, it just evolved into hatred and anger that I still clung to because it was all I had left of us, and I didn't want to let go.

Eventually, the constant tears will stop, the days won't seem so long, sorrowful and empty, your mind will begin to clear, the memories will fade and hearing his name won't make you burst into tears anymore. At some point you will say to yourself "Enough is enough, I'm done with this, done crying, done missing him. I deserve better and he doesn't deserve my tears anymore." But until then, let yourself feel, cry and grieve. It's healthy, it's normal and it's cathartic.

I still care about Joe, and I will always love him, but these days, only as I would a casual acquaintance I haven't seen in years or a familiar stranger that I hope is doing well.

It will take time for you to move on, don't rush yourself, but do acknowledge when you're stopping yourself from progressing (a therapist, or this forum can help with this). Also, there are some insurances and social programs or support groups that offer reduced cost or free counseling services. I'm not sure where you live, but it's worth Google-ing. I promise, you won't feel this way forever. One day, you'll be grateful you gave love a chance, but you also learned a lesson from it, too.

A great quote to keep in mind: "You can tell more about the character of a person by how they end a relationship, not by how they start one. Who he is at the beginning is the best he'll ever be."

-- Rae

12 hours ago, kayc said:

Honey, he was cheating.  You don't switch relationships that fast w/o it.  That you have been so horribly dealt with is a mind-blower!  I've been there.  I am just so sorry you are going through this.  This man allowed himself to contemplate being with someone else (the fantasy) and then moved on it, all at your expense.  I'm glad you found out before you married him, although living together that many years is pretty much as far into the relationship you can get, but at least you don't have the trouble/expense of a divorce.  One of my greatest concerns is that this can damage your trust of men and keep you from entering a relationship in the future.  I strongly encourage you to seek therapy to help you heal your wounded self and move into a wholesome place.  OMG I've been there, done that!   

You ask how you get past it...the one thing I want you to tell yourself, chant it like a mantra as needed, is IT IS HIM, NOT ME!  Because it really is.  You put your heart and soul into the relationship, he apparently was not as vested as you.  I don't know his background (parents) but perhaps that played into it, or maybe it's a character flaw you hadn't seen before.  These are good things to go into with a therapist, because you want to make sure in the future to see red flags for what they are and not miss them...sometimes they can be pretty subtle and hard to spot, but we can learn a lot from what we go through.

Right now I encourage you to not only make an appointment with a therapist, but to spend time with family and friends, now is a good time to take a class, join a gym, keep busy, spend time with people.  My last break up, I got the house VERY clean!  I also spent a week visiting my sister (she can keep one very busy!).  By now you've probably cried a ton of tears.  I'm sorry you lost the dog.  

Keep coming here, post and read, it helps to get it out and express yourself, we're here, listening.

And if it's any consolation, she did not get a prize.  If he can cheat FOR her, he will also cheat ON her and she has to keep that in the back of her mind, not a pretty place to be.  She has nothing on you.  And if he has any substance at all, which is doubtful, he will live to regret this...let him have his regrets.  You, my friend, will move past this into a better place and eventually, in time with a better more deserving person.  Give yourself the gift of time, understanding, patience, be your own best friend.

I can't add much else to this. Perfectly stated as always.

From personal experience, everything KayC said is absolutely true. Long story short: This is exactly what happened to my 7-year relationship/engagement almost 6 years ago (I was 21, he was 23). We were a few months into our lease, engaged, had animals and I thought we'd be together forever. Then he started growing distant, stopped telling me he loved me, spent more time with his friends and made a habit of "working late." After a few weeks of this, I asked Joe what was going on with him. He said "Nothing," and continued his distance. I grew suspicious after being told he was going to a party at his friend's house one night. I drove over there, there was no party, Joe and his friend weren't home, and his friend's GF Ashley looked surprised to see me.

Joe had told them we broke up months ago, and Ashley filled me in that he'd been going on dates and chasing after a few of the girls that he managed at his job, many of whom were under 18. When I confronted Joe, he denied that he was doing anything. About a month later he tells me he wants to break-up because "he doesn't love me anymore, we've drifted apart, and he's confused," not a week later he announced he was in a relationship with a 16-year-old girl who he worked with. My whole life fell apart before my eyes, my soul was crushed, my self-esteem was gone and the future I envisioned, that we so fondly spoke of together, vanished before I could even shed a tear over it.

It took me a year, and therapy to be right again, but rest assured, looking back on it now, I wouldn't change it for a thing. I wish I could go back in time and tell my 21-year-old self: "Everything is going to be fine, the life you deserve isn't going to be had with that silly, immature boy. He isn't going to change, he doesn't love you, and you are going to live a life beyond your wildest imagination, but it isn't with him. This will be the greatest gift he will ever give you. You're free now. Finish your degree. You will be okay."

It sounds to me like your ex is "playing house," with this girl and may have a pattern of it in his past. A lot of men (and some women) do this, they build a metaphorical (or literal) house with one woman, go through all the struggles with unabashed loyalty, the growth, the "coming of age" life phase if you will, and then once they're all good, healed and financially, physically or emotionally straight; they dump the woman who held them and built them up for a person they believe is "on their new level." They now associate the woman helped them with "the old life, the struggle, a stepping stone to prepare him for another woman;" and believe she has served her purpose, and is no longer worthy of the 'new man' he's become. Basically, a replacement mother. It's utter bull****, but it's a common practice, my own father did it to my mother. Don't let this phase you, you did nothing to deserve the treatment. You were just more invested, and he tricked you into believing he was too. Focus on healing, seek a therapist. But beware of men who are so quick to jump between relationships like this, "building houses without foundations," I call it. My ex did it, my own dad, and KayC's exes may have too. 

You will get through this. I know it feels like a lifetime, it hurts, it's unfair and damaging, but rest assured: IT'S HIM, NOT YOU. Give yourself time to heal, don't be ashamed for having feelings, take care of yourself, and god forbid DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. You cannot fix your heart by clinging to what broke it. If he did it once, he will do it again. He will eventually come back around when the novelty wears off or she leaves him, they always seem to. Joe did, 5 years later, after his GF "grew out of him" and left him for someone else. Joe apologized to me, explained what happened to him and that "now he understands how badly it hurts," and that he was open to reconciliation, by then I wanted nothing to do with his sob story. He still hasn't grown up. I don't think he's a bad person, but I'm glad we never married, we'd be divorced by now if we had because I too would've "outgrown" him. We're friends on Facebook now, but that's all we'll ever be again.

Take KayC's advice, be kind to yourself. He didn't leave you because there's something wrong with you; he left because there's something broken within him that he feels cheating and a new girlfriend is going to fix. Repeat after me: "YOU (your womb, body, love and finances) ARE NOT a rehabilitation center for broken men." It has little to do with you, and a lot to do with his character, his self-esteem, possibly his upbringing and how he feels about himself. How he treats you is a reflection of HIM, not you. But I get it, It's so hard not to blame yourself for how others behave, especially when you're in love with them, ignored potential red flags and only want what's best.

I would've followed Joe to the ends of the earth had he wanted me, but I'm glad I didn't because I would've drown myself trying. One day, you'll look back and be glad you didn't too.

--Rae 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Of course she doesn't want No Contact!  SHE is in the driver's seat, with you come running whenever she snaps her fingers!  SHE can decide when she wants a relationship or not.  SHE gets to decide when to change, what to change, and meanwhile you're huffing and puffing behind her, trying to do her bidding, waiting in the wings.  Does that sound healthy and wholesome to you?!  Best to work on yourself and be in a ready place from a healthy standpoint when a new relationship comes along, one where you and the other person both know what you want and it doesn't include throwing each other aside when life's trials come along, but rather standing together to weather them.

I don't think I could've said this better! Tim did this to me too. He didn't want me, but didn't want me to leave on MY terms, he wanted to the relationship to be on his terms, and for a while, I let it happen. The simplest way I can tell you is DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN. You have the power to say no. If she isn't willing to respect your boundaries, feelings or see that her behavior hurts you, you need to go NO CONTACT. This isn't fair, it's damaging and it's an abuse of your love. You need to do what's best for you because she already has. While you're fighting with yourself internally about your relationship, she has you wrapped around her finger and she knows it. Cut the cord. It's what's best for both of you.

You said she internalized her pain and emotions, that's not healthy, and she needs to seek therapy, as do you. You need to break the co-dependency cycle and learn how to care for YOU as an individual (even in a relationship), and she needs to learn to express her feelings in healthier ways. I used to internalize my feelings too after a life of oppression, rejection and abuse. It nearly cost me my future marriage, my mental health and college degree. I almost ruined my own life because I thought by bottling my feelings up, I was strong and normal. It seems like this was her breaking point in the same way that my best friend's suicide was for me. She has a choice, and so do you. Either take the path of least resistance and continue down the destructive paths you're both on, or, "do the work" and learn better self-care, habits, what it means to be your own person and how to express your feelings through healthy outlets. If you choose the path of least resistance: You let the demons, abusers, substances and poor habits win. You both deserve better.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

You know what to do.  You just don't want to do it.  You're afraid of severing the last lifeline with her, but you don't HAVE a lifeline, you just don't see that.  You think when she casts you some crumbs that that's really something, you hope against hope...but what you're hoping for is caution in the wind!

We've been there.  So glad to not be there anymore, and I refuse to let anyone do that to me again!

Once again, KayC *Standing Ovation* YES! Deep down we know it's bad for us, but we're in denial and don't want to confront the truth. Well, places like this forum will speak the truth. And it's what most of us *needed* to hear.

--Rae 

46 minutes ago, kayc said:

Going no contact means no NYE, and to be authentic, stop hoping for something different than what is, accept her as she is and the situation for what it is, otherwise how could you be friends any time in the future, to hope for something different is to manipulate her/the situation to something different, it can only survive if you're both on the same page, but for now you need to give yourself ample time to heal, which means YOU focus on YOU while she focuses on herself.  You both have a lot you're going through.  Your words show you are constantly worrying about HER, but that's not focusing on YOU.  Let her deal with her.  Place your faith in her that she can take care of her own life, just as you do yours.  I know this is a process to get to, not easy to change your patterns of turning to each other, but you are broken up so changes must be.

Absolutely, 100% as concise as can be.

It sounds like you are/were relying on her to look out for you and take care of you, but never cared for yourself and needs, and still won't. That is co-dependency and its not healthy.

I've been there, so I know what it feels like to lose a person that you became dependent on because you didn't have anyone else and didn't learn how to care for yourself. It feels like your entire life, world and self-identity are lost because with the ending of the relationship, you lost what defined you and what you cared about most. Losing yourself to a relationship comes with a steep price. My ex did the same to me, asked to be friends after he cheated and broke up with me, then proceeded to manipulate me while he "figured out" how to make the girl he actually wanted date him. 7 years down the drain, I had to learn how to care for myself, how to define myself as an adult and navigate a world I had no idea how to exist in without him by my side.

I did the same thing you are: putting my own needs aside, being at his beck n call, pining after him, hoping my existence in the background of his life will make him come back, worrying exclusively about him and his life after he left me, while neglecting myself because I felt like I owed him something for taking care of me. Part of the reason why he "grew apart, got bored and confused" then left me was because I didn't know how to take care of myself and my only real identity up to that point had been "being Joe's girlfriend." He was right, our relationship turned toxic because I relied too much on him for fulfillment, happiness and survival.

As KayC said in a previous post, she's already looking out for her own best self-interests, who's looking out for yours? You are constantly worrying about her, hoping and trying to get back together with her. You love her, but WHO'S LOVING YOU? What if she does get back together with you, then 6 months or a year from now she breaks up with you again? You will be in the same place you are now, only worse off for it.

On 12/27/2018 at 9:30 AM, kayc said:

She can take a very very long time making up her mind or figuring things out...or she may never figure anything out.  Meanwhile you're putting yourself through it.  Unless she is actively working on your relationship...you don't have one right now.  She is single...so are you now.  Be kind to yourself.

THIS THIS THIS THIS! ALL OF THIS! My ex-bf Tim did this, he asked me to give him some time and space to get his mind right after his father passed, and he never actually "figured out" anything, he just used me to fill a void and as an outlet for his feelings after he disappeared from my life for three months, but not before telling me he didn't want to break up. All he ended up doing was thrusting his confusion, sadness and instability unto me.

Don't let her do this to you. All you can do now is stop yourself from falling down this rabbit hole with her. She may never figure out anything and even if she does there's no guarantee you'll be included in her epiphany or new life, meanwhile, you're putting your life on hold waiting for a time that isn't going to come. That isn't fair to you. Don't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm, you will be left a smoldering pile of ash while they are still whole and full. There is no valiant reward for this kind of self-sacrifice, we don't live in a fairytale, and it's wrong of you to expect there will be.

7 minutes ago, Kieron said:

"I have to show her how strong I can be for her."

You can best show her your strength by respecting her wishes at this time, and tending to your own self, as Kay has described.  As writer and life coach Iyanla Vanzant advises, "Do the work."   Look on this experience as an opportunity to do the work on yourself.  I think you'll be glad, one day, that you chose to do the work!  It's not easy but then, nothing of value comes easy.

YOU need to focus on YOU. STOP making YOUR life about HER.

You absolutely will be glad in the future that you chose to "do the work" instead of pining after someone who continually rejects you. It takes time to learn these things, its painful and can be hard to deal with, but it is worth it in the end to finally realize the power and freedom behind what it means to be your own person.

--Rae 

8 hours ago, Vanush said:

Thanks,

These are very wise words. I am trying to let her go currently. I'd be lying if I said I was fine, and family events around Christmas make me oh so miserable. Today my friend was wearing the same shoes she wore when I broke it off.

But the message is clear. Take steps towards moving on, and be patient. I also find, that when these feelings come up, all you want to do is talk to someone about them. But no one truly listens, often I find they sweep your feelings aside with a phrase like you'll be ok. 

What they are truly saying is that they aren't comfortable with your feelings. Unfortunately I have found that over n over, and I turn to forums 

It's okay to not be fine. It's okay to turn here or to a therapist when you feel alone because your friends don't want to listen to you drone on over and over.

I experienced this with both break-ups too. After so long your friends (and even yourself) DO get tired of you sounding like a broken record for months after the fact, and I understand why (maybe its different for men because of the different social norms/expectations of friendships among men and women) because they think that you're actively stopping yourself from moving forward by continually rehashing the same words/thoughts for months or a year and clinging to someone that has rejected you. To be honest, having that friend when you all go out to a social setting who starts bawling about their ex after two beers can be a serious killjoy and it gets exhausting trying to constantly console them. 

Breakups happen to everyone and some are worse than others, but at some point, we have to say "Enough is enough, they don't deserve my tears or thoughts anymore and I deserve better" and just stop giving away our control, letting this person occupy so much of our time and head space. At some point one needs to ask themselves: Do I think my ex is behaving/feeling the same way? Am I behaving in a way that is healthy? Have I begun alienating friends because I keep bringing up this subject every time we talk? Chances are if its been months or years and you still haven't progressed, it probably isn't healthy, your ex has moved on and your friends are tired of it. They love you and want what's best for you, but even they have their limits because only you have control over your behavior. They could tell you to take steps to move on or give you ideas about how to focus on yourself until they're blue in the face, but you won't truly begin to move forward until you choose to do so.

I am actually grateful a friend of mine sat me down after about 8 months of me pining and talking about Joe and our breakup and finally said, "Rae, shut the f*** up. You deserve better than him and this. It has been months and I love you, but I am tired of consoling you and this subject dominating your life and our friendship. You need to either go back to therapy or find hobbies to occupy your free time. You are now making a choice not to move on and its really unhealthy. You and Joe are not getting back together, it's over, and you need to accept that. You love him, but no love is worth this. You are embarrassing yourself by clinging to him for superficial reasons. You are an adult now and you need to confront this."

Yes, it takes time and patience to fully move on, its painful, uncomfortable and seems like it takes forever, but after so long, you have to accept responsibility for your own feelings. While it is absolutely your friends job to support you in your time of need, it is not their job to make you move on or constantly listen to the same story you've told them 1000x over about your feelings and break-up when you never take the advice they give or appreciate that they're still listening. At some point, your friends will either tell you to shut up or they'll just stop engaging you because they feel like the mutual friendship is being dominated by you and your feelings. I understand break-up feelings can make a person self-centered, but again, after so long, behavior like this can become a deliberate choice. I have been on both sides of this spectrum multiple times, as have many people I'm sure, so I know how it feels.

I have actually told a few friends they needed to stop their obsessive nonsense and shook them at times, but they were in different situations than you involving guys that did nothing but use/abuse them so they behaved erratically and did some very unhealthy things. A friend from college thought it'd be a good idea to exact revenge on her ex (NEVER EVER do this, it only makes you look unstable and could get you in legal trouble, too). I just about smacked her because it seemed that was the only way to knock any sense into her. LOL.

--Rae 

On 12/19/2018 at 10:01 AM, kayc said:

Vanush, Give yourself time to have clarity, sometimes it can take months or years.  I still care very much about Jim and we're good friends, but oh my goodness I'm glad I'm not in the middle of that!  He doesn't have good life skills, neither does his XW, nor his daughter...he has one daughter who does and I feel for her having to deal with their problems, it's a lot.  People who can't pay their bills on time, etc. and constantly have issues because of it!  I don't understand people not being able to budget or make good choices, but there seems to be a lot of them in this country!
When a relationship doesn't work for any reason, try to be thankful you found out before you did something permanent, that only worsens the problems.

They say that the first six months you fall "in love" which is the infatuation period, you DO get a high on it, it releases endorphins in your brain, that makes it all the harder to keep a good perspective and one reason people often get into the relationship too fast.  Date and develop friendships, build on it slowly but surely and pay heed to red flags.  It'll happen for you, all in good time, so long as you don't settle for the wrong one hastily.  Hold out for that good and lasting relationship!  I had it with George and even though he died, I still draw from the lessons I learned from him, the comfort and positives from our relationship.  He loved me enough to last me a lifetime!...and I him.

I couldn't have stated this better. This was everything I would've said. To add to this, I'm going to paste a post from a thread in this section by a woman named Miri in 2011, these words are from a respondant, Ron B. While not all of the words apply to you, the advice he gives is transferable to your situation. 

................

"It's sometimes difficult to offer advice to help people grow through adversity, because people get so completely stuck on a firm set of beliefs. We tend to think about stressful things in habitual ways, and breaking through habitual thinking can be difficult. At one time you thought your former male friend was just great! Now he's looking rather inconsiderate and a bit brutish. His own grief makes it complicated; it's hard to know what he thinks or feels. But at least you are actively trying to think your own way through the difficulty, and that is a real kind of progress.

For any of us to really change, our feelings need to co-evolve with our thinking. When a love-relationhip get severed, there is generally a whole rage of emotions that emerge from one or both individuals in the relationship. Few things in life are so brutal. The grief from all this can be overshelming; I too have had a love-relationship suddenly severed. Twice. It happens to a lot of people, so you are not unique in this. And just like we need to 'rethink' things, we need to rework on our feelings in similar ways. Instead of continually rehashing the same feelings of anger and abandonment, we do a lot better when can gather fresh feelings.

By reworking our thoughts and feelings, we can change and grow. Here are my specific suggestions.

First, the very best solution I know of for people who have been psychological traumatized is to get professional counseling. That will work vastly better than anything I have to say here, but do shop around for the right counselor if you choose this option. After my mother passed away, I waited 4 months before seeking counseling, and that was a mistake. Once I went in for counseling it took about 4 sesssions before my raging thoughts and feelings settled out, and then I was better able to navigate through the difficulty. I had a good counselor.

Other than counseling, the things that helped me most through grief, were physical exercise (!), support of family, and venting in this forum.

OK, here is my specific advice about your man-friend in 3 words: LET HIM GO.

And several hundred words as to why:

Let him go, because your feelings are trampled. Here is where the 'rethinking' comes in. You feel mistreated, because you think he has an obligation to treat you well, or at least kindly. Now I'm suggesting to you something pretty raw. Ditch that expectation that he has any obligation to you at all. I'm not saying it's ok for him to reject or cut off communication with you. I'm just saying it's reality that he has for the time being abandoned you, and you've got to face rejection squarely, as hard as that may be.

Let him go, because he has lost both parents now, and is probably swallowed whole by his own grief. Now he has to establish his own independence without being tethered in any way. He can't handle a relationship now, and it's a mistake to try to engage him if he is not able. The fact that he doesn't write or communicate, except to to write a dear-Jane letter, should clue you in. So, just leave him alone for now. If it helps, think of it like he gets 6 months time to recover from grief, before he comes back into normal circulation again.

Let him go, because he appears to be quite ambivalent about women. You mentioned he had a love-hate relationship with his mother, and now it looks like that scenario is being thrust upon you. Duck out of it! His issues with women are his problem, and not yours. You had mentioned that the guy was a loner before he met you, so that's his longer-term life pattern. The relationship he had with you was a fortunate exception for him. Months down the road he will come around to 'rethinking' what he had with you. So let him have those months to figure it out. If you pester him at all now, he's likely to continue to resent you just like he did his mother.

Let him go, because as an independent woman you will be stronger. If your need for acceptance depends upon him, you will be buried in abandonment issues for many months to come. To cling to a guy that continually rejects you is just too humiliating. If you make an active effort to move on, then you will gradually get unstuck, and grow into an independent woman who can choose her own relationhips. So learn about letting go and moving on in any way that you can. Find support though friends, counselors, and family. You will survive this and you know it. There are many caring and sensitive men in need of a kind and devoted woman like you. Date a few of them if you can; pull yourself out of the abandoned-woman mind-set.

I do have advice about answering his dear-Jane email and retrieving your belongings. I would write back very briefly and say: "Dear [name goes here], It's all ok with me, but I need to pick up my things in your apartment. Can we please arrange a time?" And, if you are able, go to his apartment and be very business-like. I would not engage him in conversation, and would only do so if he initiated it. I would not utter one word about relationship break-up issues at all. Don't try to be cold to him either. For your own dignity, you want to go through the experience with warmth and kindness in your heart if you can. Call it 'silent love' if you like. You may or may not be ready to collect your belongings from him, I don't know. If you can do it, go for it. That is what will bring to you some closure.

Remember, I'm just a ordinary guy posting to this grief forum. I am probably a very different person than you, and my solutions might not fit your problems at all. Take my advice only when it feels right, and ignore the rest. - Ron B."

--Rae 

On 12/11/2018 at 7:26 AM, kayc said:

I think I know Jim well enough to know he is not manipulative, he, as an Aspie, is very blunt and has no filter, when he says something he means it.  And all the more so because he didn't say it to me, but to her.  But you are right, a person needs to question that particular phrase because often people will use it as a fake excuse.  It was something he told her a long time ago as one of the reasons he didn't try to get back with me...he'd also told me he didn't want to hurt anyone else again and if he could do to me what he did when his mom was dying, what if something else happened and he did it again?  He has not dated in the eight years since, nor have I.  It's a thought that definitely occurred to me as well.  If someone does something once, what's to stop them from doing it again?  Not that he'd want to, but since he focuses on one thing at a time...if one of his kids was in an accident, he'd likely break up with whoever he was with to take care of them.  So I'm glad he realizes that about himself to prevent hurting someone again.  I think he said it perhaps out of guilt feelings for what he did to me.  He was right.

In your specific case, it seems legitimate, sorry I didn't clarify that. And absolutely, if they do it once, they'll probably do so again, especially if its to the same person. At least he recognizes that flaw in himself now and won't hurt anyone else again. It just sucks that his realization had to be at your expense, but at least you've regained your peace with it and understand you would not have lasted anyways.

--Rae 

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Incidentally, Rae, one of the things Jim's daughter told me was that he didn't feel he was good enough for me.  

When someone says this to me, it makes me wonder these things: 1. Is he saying this to absolve himself of guilt or self-responsibility for treating you poorly? 2. Is he using this as an excuse to not commit, to lead you on, to manipulate, confuse, to break up with you or with other ill intent? 3. Does he actually feel this way or is he trying to make you feel bad for him?

These are questions I'd ask myself and assess the situation based on his behavior, patterns, words and actions. I've had guys try that line with me because after a few weeks or dates, they're too cowardly to actually say they don't want to see me anymore or aren't interested. I also had one try it as a means to manipulate and "love bomb" me (a manipulator/narcissist tactic) into giving him what he wanted (ex. He asked for money and a key to my house after our second date. Stating "you're perfect, you'd make me a better man because I am not good enough for you. I want to take our relationship to the next level.") We were not in a relationship and had only met a few weeks before this. I blocked his number and ran for the hills. But unfortunately, some women (and men) fall for that ploy and end up financially supporting that person. Thankfully, I knew better and ran away.

Be wary when people say things to you that sound so endearing, especially if they've behaved poorly, are untrustworthy or you don't know them very well.

On 12/8/2018 at 10:03 AM, kayc said:

Rae, thank you for pointing out to her to not feel guilty for having feelings.  Good for you!

@novick23 He should at the very least own responsibility for having hurt you and yes of course you feel deceived.

Thank you Kayc, for pointing this out as well. His refusal to acknowledge your feelings as a result of his actions shows that he is acting completely and utterly self-centered. That should be a clue to you that he doesn't feel you're allowed to be effected by his behaviour, and that he doesn't really care if you are or not, at least not at this point in time. Tim acted the exact same way, as if I wasn't allowed to feel hurt by how he acted because I wasn't the one grieving. Even though, I was grieving the loss of our relationship, he didn't perceive it as that because he was grieving a different loss, a feeling he didn't believe I understood.

Even though the losses are different, the feelings are still the same. It is absolutely wrong of him to behave as though your feelings don't matter. They DO matter. If he cared for you and valued you the way he claimed, he'd be looking to you for support, even if just as a friend for the time being, but he wouldn't have left you as he did.

When my bestfriend died, my boyfriend Joe understood that for the time being, I just needed support and shoulder to cry on, a friend. I didn't want to be intimate, I just needed support and for him to act as "normal" as possible. A good partner will reciprocate as well as look to you in their time of need. Grief is very personal and can make a person self-centered, but as I said before, after so long their behavior becomes a deliberate choice. I absolutely took advantage of Joe's love after a while because I thought that as my lover, he would put up with my behavior and that he was supposed to. I was wrong, and started being a terrible girlfriend to Joe because I was hurting. I actively stopped myself from working through my grief and the traumatic experience of finding my friend's body because I didn't want to admit I was lost, didn't know how and didn't want to learn. In behaving this way, I forced Joe to give me an ultimatum. Tim did the same, your boyfriend has, and so did I for a time.

You have the choice to accept this behavior and wait for him to see if he'll come back, but then that shows him you're willing to put up with bad behavior, and he may take advantage of that. Tim did this. Don't do it by falling into this trap. I know it feels like you've been decieved. We all felt this way, and in a way, they did deceive us by being everything we could want, then abruptly running from us at the first sign of a problem. The death of a loved one has a weird way of making people rethink their lives, relationships and priorities because it makes them confront demons, secrets, insecurities and their own mortality. Not saying the way he behaves is acceptable, just that grief makes people think and behave as though they're walking through fog. 

He sounds like he needs some emotional work, has dysfunctional boundaries and has baggage he needs to work through, and that baggage is not yours to carry. If he truly acknowledged his flaws and issues and tried to work through them as he should, he wouldn't be running away from you when forced to confront them. Ask yourself why you'd want to be with a person who abandons you at the first sign of trouble and when things get hard? That shows serious immaturity and mental weakness on his part. His refusal to confront his own problems is not a reflection of you as a person or spouse; it is absolutely his own fault. Please do not get buried in the "abandoned woman" mindset, otherwise he will have thrust many of his problems unto you, and you will be buried in abandonment issues for months to come. Please consider talking to a counselor about your feelings.

--Rae 

22 hours ago, novick23 said:

Thank you all for your support. It is both encouraging and depressing to read how common this is, and that there seems to be a consistent pattern. He and I spoke at work yesterday, and he said me being hurt and "having an attitude" is a problem for him, and that he really needs me to be his friend at work. The more I think about the situation, the less love and compassion I feel and the more I want to scream at him. Even if anything he shared or promised in the past was real, his current behavior makes it seem like it was all a lie. I feel like he exploited the trust of my kids, my family and me and now wants me to pretend to me ok to assuage his guilt. I know grief makes people do out of character things, and I struggle to remind myself that he is not himself right now. Feeling devastated, heartbroken and enraged is exhausting. 

Then act cordial and professional about it. But do limit your interaction with him at work if possible. Do not "be his friend" at work if that makes you uncomfortable. Be a co-worker and nothing more. Again, he chose to behave this way and now there are consequences for it. Tim and I did not work together, but I had to act professional and all business with Tim both times I confronted him, he wouldn't respond to me otherwise. Showing them that you're waiting, pining, hurt and yearning for them will only make them think less of you. It sounds like a game, I know. But do your best to poker face your interactions with him, and save your emotions for your friends and counselors. Until he actually wants to have a conversation with you about this topic, consider it off limits. Any talk of it, emotional outbursts or even jokes may have the opposite effect you intend.

I am sorry things have to be this way. It hurts, and it changes the way you date and who you trust. I often wonder if I was just a placeholder for Tim, because he behaved towards the end as though I was just a void filler, even though his behavior said the opposite the 1.5 years we were together. Everything started to seem as though it was nothing but lies, and in a way, they were.

On 12/5/2018 at 1:21 PM, novick23 said:

Please help me. I feel horrible, move between profound longing for him and wanting to hurt him, and I feel horribly guilty for feeling this way since his mother just died and I know he is suffering. 

This sounds almost identical to what happened to me (minus the marriages and children). First and foremost I will say, don't feel guilty for having feelings. You were both in a relationship that he chose to end. His decision effected both of you greatly and you are absolutely allowed to be sad and angry over it.

On 12/5/2018 at 1:21 PM, novick23 said:

During the first 3 days, communication was almost normal in frequency and subject matter. By the end of the week, he told me he had been deep in thought and really needed to clean his life up. He said he hadn't seen any of his kids or grandchild since his mother's death, and he needed to see them and he needed to reconcile his relationship with them. He said he needed to make his house a "bachelor pad" and it couldn't look like anyone else lived there, so he asked me to come get all my stuff (clothes, toiletries etc). He said his children don't like me, and he needs to dedicate all of his energy right now to reestablishing a relationship with them. I asked if we were breaking up, he said it wasn't about that and that he still loves me, he just needs time and space. He asked me to not contact him in any way until he reaches out to me. He said that if he is with his kids and I called or texted, it could affect things and he needed his phone communication to be "clean". He said he can't take any pressure right now and this is just the way things need to be and I need to accept that. He won't tell me its over, just that we can't spend as much time together as we used to (we are spending no time together now). He said he doesn't know what his future is. I asked him if I should return his house key and his belongings from my house, and he said "no", that I was taking this wrong and he just needs time. The last time we talked in person (4 days ago), he hugged and kissed me and told me he loved me and hasn't reached out to me since. 

I am dying inside. I can't stand the idea of him reconciling with his kids knowing (and having witnessed) how they treat him. I would love for him to have a relationship with his kids if it is mutual and healthy, but they haven't changed or had therapy, so I am pretty sure it will be shitty treatment for him. My life and future as I knew it and imagined it is over. We had talked about building a house together, getting married, he talked about how "we" will raise my kids and that he would be their parent one day. Now, he won't even acknowledge that our relationship existed, nor will he speak to me. I oscillate between debilitating heartbreak for myself and him and wanting to track him down and beat him to death for doing this to me and my kids. I know he is suffering the most profound loss of his life, but I believed that my support of him, and our strong loving partnership, would see him through this process. 

I don't know what to do with myself. He hasn't officially ended our relationship, but it seems pretty over to me. I have his things at my house that eat a hole in my heart every time I see them. What's even worse is that we work together, and have seen one another during the day where he poker-faces our interaction and pretends like nothing ever existed between us. What the hell is going on, and how can a person (even in profound grief) discard someone they claim to have loved more than anything and wanted to spend the rest of their life with? What's more, even if he did "come back", I have lost so much trust in him and that crushes my soul even more. 

My ex-bf Tim didn't even tell me his father died, he acted fine for a few days and then just disappeared. A week later I finally tracked him down after showing up at his door. He told me the same thing yours did to you: That he loved me, he didn't want to break up, he's been in deep thought and needs to change his life because hes so unhappy (he never mentioned this in the 1.5 years we had already been together), he feels existential pressure that he can't get rid of, and that he just needs some space and time to deal with the funeral and his feelings. He never broke up with me. After that conversation he disappeared from my life. He resurfaced 3 months later to apologize and try to reconcile. But by then I already had so many doubts, I was deeply hurt, confused, mistrusting of him and angry. I made an attempt to reconcile with him, but after about 3 months, he disappeared again after ditching me on a dinner date. That very same morning he told me he loved me as we left his apartment to go to work, I never heard from him again and was left with no choice but to walk away from him and completely exit his life. This was 3 years ago.

I made the mistake of keeping Tim as a friend on my Facebook and social media, something I should not have done and don't recommend you do. At this point in time, it effectively is over. He just is too much a coward to tell you. I mean no offense when I say this, however: You need to do what's best for yourself and create distance, go no contact and deal with your feelings, perhaps see a counselor. If this is how he wants to behave, then show him there are consequences and go dark on him. Don't believe it is your fault, it absolutely is not; IT IS HIM, NOT YOU. It is just what he believes he needs right now. He made this choice and left you to deal with the fallout, and that is not fair to you.

The first time Tim left me I was in shock, confused, heartbroken and I cried for weeks. The final break up, I did the same for months, went from being absolutely inconsolable to raging angry. It took a couple months for the intense feelings to subside and about 4-5 months for the constant tears to stop. It was really hard because I grappled with beating myself up for believing his lies, being stupid and being so vulnerable that I let him do it twice. If he ever does come back to you, you need to reevaluate him and take into account how he behaved when something such as this, or another bad/traumatic experience may happen in the future. Will he behave this way again? Has he learned from his behavior and dealt with his problems in a manageable way? These are questions you need to ask yourself if he does try to reconcile, especially if this behavior lasts longer than a couple of weeks. I failed to do this and rushed right back into things and it did not go well. You can tell a lot about the character and true colors of a person by how they react and behave when faced with things like grief, debt, illness, job loss, etc.

On 12/5/2018 at 1:21 PM, novick23 said:

I don't know what to do with myself. He hasn't officially ended our relationship, but it seems pretty over to me. I have his things at my house that eat a hole in my heart every time I see them. What's even worse is that we work together, and have seen one another during the day where he poker-faces our interaction and pretends like nothing ever existed between us. What the hell is going on, and how can a person (even in profound grief) discard someone they claim to have loved more than anything and wanted to spend the rest of their life with? What's more, even if he did "come back", I have lost so much trust in him and that crushes my soul even more. 

Easily. Feelings are mostly irrational and when in a hyper-emotional state, people tend to behave out of character. But be aware that behavior like this after a certain amount of time becomes a deliberate conscious choice. My grandfather died when I was 19 and I did not abandon my boyfriend or our relationship, if anything we grew closer. Nine months later, my best friend killed himself and it sent me spiraling. I dropped out of school, stopped going to work for a few weeks, became depressed and pretty much abandoned my relationship, but we still lived together. This went on for about 4 months. I was just angry/sad all the time, I would throw crying fits and tantrums, lash out at my boyfriend and neglected him physically and emotionally. After one particular instance he gave me an ultimatum and said that if I did not seek professional help, we were not going further with our engagement and he was moving out. He was absolutely right to do this as it was unhealthy for both of us and unfair to him. I resented him at first for making me do such a thing in my fragile state, but after about a month of weekly sessions, my raging feelings started to go away.

As I said before, IF he does come back, don't just invite him in as though nothing happened. Do not make yourself and your relationship a revolving door of forgiveness he can walk through any time he chooses. Make him talk to you about why he behaved this way, tell him that his behavior hurt you and your trust in him, and evaluate whether or not he's dealing with this in a healthy way and whether or not you will be able to forgive him and work on rebuilding the trust together. While I asked Tim to talk to me about it, I didn't do enough and I failed to remember that he will not stay in a place he truly does not want to be. His actions made it clear he did not want to be with me, he was confused, hot n cold and would push when I pulled. It was exhausting, painful and only exacerbated the heartache I still hadn't recovered from because I could never shake the voice in my head saying he was going to disappear again. I was right, he did disappear again.

On 12/5/2018 at 1:21 PM, novick23 said:

 I know he is suffering the most profound loss of his life, but I believed that my support of him, and our strong loving partnership, would see him through this process. 

Everyone here believed the same and wanted to be the exception. That's why we came here, to look for hope, answers and some sort of light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel. You could be his dream woman, but he has chosen to work through this alone, and forcing yourself on him, even with the purest of intentions would only push him farther away.

 He could be falling into a hole, and even if you held out your hand, he still wouldn't take it. All you can do now is stop yourself from falling into the hole with him. He's got to learn to deal and live with this loss, and he has chosen to do so alone, at least for now.

--Rae 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Ha, I went through the same thing, always good good grades, was a good child, tried to please them, in gymnastics, etc. until my sister's car accident (I was 14 almost 15), from then on I had to come straight home from school and take care of everyone until bedtime, then start homework.  My parents didn't go to PTA, parent/teacher conferences, nor did they attend church when I sang solos (in front of 500 congregants).  They refused to allow me a piano in the home even though I had a teacher willing to teach me for free.  It's not surprising to me that we grew up with issues...my mom was mentally ill and abusive, my dad alcoholic.  It's really taken me most of my life to learn but that I have and well!  I'm proud of you, you've learned much younger than I did.

I couldn't agree more!

I think the only reason why I learned this is because I was given an ultimatum by my fiance and forced into therapy at 20 years old after multiple losses and years of grief, abuse and self-hatred that spiraled my life and mental health out of control.

It's funny, something I've realized in recent years that I was never aware of growing up: We perceive our parents to be perfect, well-rounded and infallible beings because they are the first people to show us affection and teach us how to behave and who we are. Without realizing it, I put my parents on a pedestal and expected things of them that I couldn't do myself, neglecting the fact that they are human, life is hard, mistakes happen, and they can suffer in the same ways that I was. I never took into account that my grandfather was an alcoholic monster who robbed my mom and her siblings of a childhood, only to sober up before his grandchildren came around and dote on us with love, so we saw him differently than she did, or that her mother was an emotionally abusive enabler and how that affected her world view and self image as she aged. Or my fathers parents, who were both abusive alcoholics that beat and subsequently abandoned him and his siblings.

Not saying these things excuse abuse or neglect, but it partially does explain their behavior as parents and adults. They were once just kids themselves who were forced to make decisions and behave like adults before ever experiencing life as young adult without the responsibilities of parenthood and marriage. I used to believe my parents behaved the way they did because they didn't love us, one another and were behaving the way they did intentionally. But most of the time, it was unintentional and they didn't even know they were behaving poorly because it was familiar and normal to them. Again, they were humans existing and behaving in ways they were never told were abnormal. Just like I did as a teenager and young adult before it was brought to my attention via loved ones and therapists that my thoughts and behavior were abnormal.

As far as the age difference goes, better late than never. And better you learned at all when you're still able to live and enjoy life, rather than having this wisdom to spare only on your deathbed.

--Rae 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I have to agree, do what you need to do to protect yourself and allow yourself ample time to get over her.  

Rae, I used to be codependent and it got me into a lot of the situations I was in.  The last time I was tested they told me I wasn't any more, and I know I've worked really hard to become aware and realize what I was doing, getting into, choosing.  I used to have this thing where I would step into a situation where I felt needed, thinking somehow they'd appreciate me (ha, it doesn't work like that).  I also somehow felt valued by being someone's wife.  I had to learn to value myself and put myself first.  Some people think that is selfish and as Christians we're taught to be selfless, but they aren't understanding that there's a time and place for both.  It IS important to love yourself, value yourself and not let yourself be walked on.  Entirely a different matter than giving, even then we need to be careful we don't enable someone, it's important to know when to give and when to let the person have their own learning experiences.

I was absolutely codependent too. I also wanted to feel needed, and at first it worked and I felt good and validated, and so did these guys. Then a few weeks would go by and the reality would hit that these men were essentially children and I was playing the role of their absent mother, enabler and/or wife and it stopped feeling good almost instantly, hence the short "situationships."

The codependency came from the absentee-ism from both parents. While it wasn't always intentional as they both worked hard and struggled, the insular behavior of our church and lack of friends, socialization or connection I felt growing up created a void that I started trying to fill by doing whatever I could to get attention, first from my parents, then as I aged from friends and the opposite sex. I played hockey, danced in ballet, got good grades, took up playing viola and still couldn't get my parents to come to my games, recitals or orchestra concerts, so I began to feel like they were just ignoring me and didn't love me. I just started to fester in the isolation and would spend all my spare time reading books. By the time I got to high school, we were no longer involved with the church, so now I was thrust into a world I knew very little of except from the books I had read, and I went kind of rogue with all my new found freedoms, but the void just kept getting bigger.

It is absolutely essential to love, value and cherish yourself. Something I didn't learn how to do until well into college and adulthood. You are correct that there is a fine line between giving and enabling, and many times we walk that line out of love for another, but at some point you absolutely need to love you more and let that person off on their own to learn from their mistakes.

We are taught, especially women, from a young age to receive our validation from being girlfriends/wives/mothers and that our end goal in life should be to be someone's wife and mother. While that's fine to have these goals, there is usually no nuanced views, boundaries, self-love or self-respect being taught with them and that in itself can be a huge issue. We are expected to be selfless, unconditional givers to men, our husbands and our children without the expectation of any reciprocity, and that is damaging.

Self-love and awareness is essential, without it we will never grow or learn from our mistakes.

--Rae 

1 hour ago, Vanush said:

Yes so many good points, thankyou both for sharing your stories, it helps. It’s only hard when pictures come up, and I have to hold back the tears, I wish we didn’t have mutual friends, and I try to distance myself. When I look at her I just wonder, what sort of individual could not love her

I absolutely understand this. It is so, SO hard to deal with feeling okay and then see them tagged in a photo with mutual friends and the feelings of despair come back. I am going to suggest something that I had to do with both Joe and Tim. After Joe and I broke up I thought I was okay with having some of our mutual friends on Facebook or seeing them at the bar when I would go out, I was wrong. I either removed them from Facebook completely, or I removed their updates from my News Feed and stopped going to the places I knew they frequented.

After Tim and I broke up, it was a little harder as his older brother Mark, his girlfriend and their small kids were all good friends of mine, Mark and I worked together and we saw one another regularly. Mark understood when I explained that I needed to create some distance from him until I felt better. He knew how Tim had behaved towards me, lied to me and played with me and used their dads death as an excuse, so he understood that it was really hard to deal with. Mark was angry with Tim for a while because he used their dads death as an excuse to treat me like I didn't matter and as if no one else felt grief towards the death.

So, maybe take a break from Social Media or remove the mutual friends from your Facebook, even if just for a while. Your feelings, needs and healing should absolutely come before a connection on Facebook. If they're your good friends and want whats best for you, they'll understand. If not. then they're not great friends.

--Rae