Rae1991

We were all stubborn because we all wanted to be the exception, we've all been in your shoes. He sounds like he is deeply confused and unsure of what to do, so he's using substances and his work to cope, but that only works for so long. Hopefully he does go to therapy as it seems he truly needs it.

While we cannot control what happens around us, we are in control of how we react/respond. Grief is different however, in that we don't all respond the same way, but there are similarities in how we act, as can be seen by the stories on the forum. We are all flawed, but us being imperfect is not a reason to tolerate disrespect or abuse. While he may not even be fully aware he is acting as he is, he should be aware that it is taking a toll on you, and from what you have stated, it seems he is fully aware and is trying to push you away to protect himself. A person who loves you should not be running from you when they have problems, they should be looking to you for support as you do to them regardless of what the issue is-- thats what couples do, they fight battles together. While you can't fix them, his unwillingness to even talk to you about it shows that he isn't even looking to you for support, again not your fault, but this is a battle you will not win. All you can do is show/offer your support but do not force it on him; do not let yourself drown in his problems. He has chosen to go it alone, and they are his burden to bare.

Trying to move in closer to him as he pulls off may have the opposite effect you intend, so tread lightly. Think of it like a rubber band, the more slack you create, the easier it is for him to run away. Don't show to him that you're sitting around balling, waiting and begging him to come back. Be supportive and take cues from his words and actions, meanwhile live your life and do whats best for you first. If he's not going to do the work he needs to do and has chosen to do on his own, then your waiting for him will do no good and you will get left in the dust.

It's okay to wait around for him for a while and try to fight for your relationship, but that is your choice to make. Only you can determine how long you're willing to wait for him. But if hes not fighting along side you, you need to know when its time to walk away. As far as dating again goes, I wouldn't even consider it because all you're going to do is bring the unresolved feelings from this relationship into your dating life. You're going to bleed on people who didn't cut you, and that isn't fair to you or them. Moving on is a process, it doesn't happen overnight and no one on this message board will ever tell you to "just get over it and move on" because we are human, and that's not how we operate.

3 hours ago, Vanush said:

Thanks Rae, this experience sounds so similar. The heart and mind can really tease you and make you sad at times. My rational brain knows it wasnt the right thing. Yet a part of me wonders if I can be compatible with anyone, given how lovely etc she was. I can only live in hope I suppose. I have been on a date since, and when I realised it wasnt going anywhere and not as compatible (as the girl I've described), I felt a deep sadness set in. I think perhaps it is time to take some time off from all this and await some healing perhaps 

Vanush,

Take some time off from dating/searching for a relationship, even if its just 3-6 months. Continuing to date in the headspace that you're in will only lead you deeper into a state of sadness as it seems you're using dating to try and move on from her. When the feelings and sadness are still raw, it isn't a good idea. I tried dating again within a couple months of Tim and I's final break-up, and it was devastating for me. My friends meant well in trying to hook me up with guys or encouraging me to go on dates, but it only made me cry more, miss Tim more and dig deeper into my pit of sadness. I felt that same well of sadness get deeper every time these guys were not compatible (and none of them were).

I haven't actively dated in nearly three years, and truthfully, I've accomplished more in that time than I ever did in a relationship. I've been asked out and chatted with guys only to find myself uninterested or immediately aware they were only looking for a hook-up, or we just didn't mesh well so I cut it off and moved along. I no longer need the validation of a relationship to feel good about myself because I began doing the necessary work I needed to do to be successful and fulfilled on my own, something I had never done before and was terrified to do for many years....until I was left with two choices: continue being miserable and unsatisfied in dating, life and at my job while repeating the same mistakes over and over OR learn to build the life I want, fill the void myself and do the work I need to do to be successful. The former is the easiest and most common path people choose for whatever reason, but the latter is the path you NEED.

Now I am not saying you have to do what I did, but taking a hiatus will be good for you. It will give you perspective, clarity and you'll be better equipped to walk away from a situation that doesn't suit you or is toxic for you with your head held high. You'll also be better equipped to face and deal with the toxic or unhealthy qualities within yourself and recognize them in others. You'll have the foresight to see a bad situation and instead of getting involved, taking a step back and then walking away. The world already has enough drama in it, no need to create more or get involved in it. A lot of people tend to create drama or get involved with it to run away from their problems, I began to notice this in others and in myself when I stopped focusing so much on finding a date/boyfriend. You've got time, no need to rush.

--Rae 

I second everything KayC has already said here. I went through a similar experience 3 years ago after being together 14 months, 20 in total before ending things to spare myself.

This is a common response, and you are not to blame for his actions. I too blamed myself and thought that maybe I was just being too hard on him, when the reality was he was confused about what he wanted and refused to tell me he couldn't handle a relationship, was having a really tough time; but instead treated me as though I had done something wrong, despite my efforts to do what he asked, be supportive and show up.

You did everything you could to be supportive, but he still chose to figure it out by himself... but neglected to tell you for months and still kept you hanging on. It takes two to maintain a relationship, and it isn't fair to you to shoulder all the responsibility because it failed. His choice to turn to drugs/drinking to cope, his emotional wavering and inconsistency are a sign of deeper issues; issues that he's choosing not to get help to resolve and it's negatively impacting the relationship. That is not your fault, you didn't drive him to behave this way. He communicated to you that he was fine, didn't want to speak of it and that he wanted to move forward; you didn't make him continue on as if everything was normal, he chose to do that himself.

I am going to say something quite raw, but it is true: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DYSFUNCTION OF OTHERS.

Believing that you are is going to eat away at your self-esteem, worth and soul. I understand that you love him, and situations like this are really difficult not to take personally, but you can't assume that much responsibility, especially when it comes to how others behave. He is in control of himself and made his own choices, the fact that he knew they would negatively affect you goes to show that he wasn't thinking of your best interests. He left you in such a lurch that it is hard not to be hard on yourself, but again, he CHOSE this. After so long, these actions become a deliberate choice. 

When my ex stopped responding to my texts/calls after his father died, I thought that he was just having a bad few days and needed space. Then a week went by, then a month. He was making an active, deliberate choice not to contact me...... but had said he didn't want to break up. That kind of gut-wrenching hurt and confusion is nothing but damaging.

Do not lose yourself in his confusion and misery, even if the relationship continues, this kind of damage does lasting and sometimes irreparable harm. But as KayC said: You need to stop and ask yourself why you want to be with someone who runs away from you and/or turns to substance abuse when they have a problem.

--Rae 

On 9/8/2018 at 7:07 PM, Vanush said:

Thankyou!

I was wondering if I could ask one more question?

 I find it hard to step outside myself and interpret my own feelings. The relationship came to an amicable end last week. As it was, a voice in my head kept telling me to push on, but I was highly cognisant of the fact that we had gone apart and come together 3 times now. The circumstances were complicated by being from different states, but I gather that the right relationship doesn't feel like this?

What is leaving me perplexed now, is the feeling of sadness and of missing her, although I had to be the one to bring it to an end. When I think of her, I see a beautiful, caring, amazing woman who in many ways is perfect. Each time we got back together it was heralded by a month of an amazing time, followed by the inevitable gut feeling of "this just doesn't feel right" or some boredom. I worry that this feeling was unduly influenced by external pressures (moving, being from different states), and yet I could never shake it. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, as when we were together it didn't feel like she was the one, and yet she was so perfect, on paper, and this serves to accentuate the feeling of missing her. 

From my perspective, this happened with Tim and I too. Tim was perfect...on paper. Our chemistry was amazing, and so was our relationship....until his dad died and his true colors began to show. After that, even though I tried my hardest to be there for him, I started to get the same feelings of "this just doesn't feel right" after he started playing me hot n cold, emotionally distancing himself and then ghosting me and then eventually tried to reconcile 3 months later, only to have it be great for about 2 months and then he disappeared again. The entire 2 months I couldn't shake the feeling of it not feeling right and the fear that he'd do it again...and my gut was right, because he did do it again.

What kept me hanging on was that I had fallen in love with the representative/idea of Tim and I missed that, not who Tim actually was. Again, on paper he was perfect, caring, loving and seemingly everything I could want in a partner and we had amazing chemistry....until the real Tim showed up. This was what kept me missing him for months after and made it easy for him to coerce me into working things out. I was missing the good times, the love and the memories while neglecting to remember what he had done was unforgivable and that going back to him would not fix the damage he had done or the gut feelings I began to get that something was off and not right.

In your case, trust your gut. It is okay to miss her, and the relationship, but you need to remember that the feelings of things being off and boredom after only a few weeks will not go away when you get back with her. They will only intensify and grow worse with time if you stay together longer. You said in an earlier post that within 3 months, that "spark" and chemistry had began to fade rapidly and you weren't able to get it back regardless of how many times you broke up and got back together, it never lasted long. Even in this post, you said you didn't feel like she was the one. Yes, she's perfect on paper, but perfect on paper and a good partner for you IN REAL LIFE are not the same things. Its quite obvious communication was lacking and there were other issues that would not have gone away with time. You were attracted to one another, but again, attraction does not mean you are meant to be together, you are compatible or that your relationship will work. Attraction and compatibility are not the same thing.

You can be attracted to someone, but not be compatible with them. It happens all the time. Be glad that in your case, this was discovered early and you did the right thing by cutting it off early instead of ignoring the signs and pushing forward with a relationship that was doomed from the start. You did what you felt was best for both of you, and in doing so, spared yourself and her years of damage, heartache, hurt and an eventual break-up. There are too many people that see these signs, ignore them and end up ruining and/or wasting years of their lives in dead-end, unhealthy relationships because they so badly wanted to be in love. But here's the thing: a relationship like that--one built out of desperation and loneliness, is not a loving one at all. Let this be a lesson to you, there's a silver lining in it. When you do meet someone you see/want a future with, you will be grateful you didn't lose that potential into this relationship.

--Rae

7 hours ago, ciara said:

Layla,

Thank you for posting this here, for sharing your story.  It has helped me so much.  My boyfriend's mother died on July 18th and he has  been pushing me away since.  Things seemed to be  getting better for a while, but he broke up with me today.  The same thing that happened to you happened to me.  All of the sudden he says he does not care about me anymore and that he does not want to be in a relationship.  I know that he still cares and he just is not letting himself feel anything right now.  I am going to take your advice and try  no contact and see what happens.  If you get a chance please let us know how long that took before he contacted you, and update us on how things are going.

Hi Ciara,

If you haven't already please read the other replies from myself and KayC as well as other stories in the forum. Understand that just because hers worked out, does not mean yours will be the same. Many of the people here have been in this situation and we all hoped we'd be the exception, but sometimes things just don't work out. We all came here looking for hope too. Now I am not trying to be disrespectful, just telling you the reality that could come to be your situation. Going NC is always what needs to be done in this situation, both for your sake and your significant others. Also remember, he broke up with you. He is not obligated to return to you, nor are you to him. If this behavior of his lasts more than a few weeks, understand it is a deliberate choice on his part and that only you can decide how long you're willing to wait idly by for him to come around. Don't do that to yourself for long, as it may have the opposite effect that you intend, and don't make him aware that you're waiting either, again, he broke up with you. If he does come back around in the future, Don't just run back to him either, you need to have a talk about his behavior and assess whether or not he's actually changed, grown or realized the error in his actions and is ready to be in a relationship; it is a mistake to engage in or pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't want to/isn't able to be a partner. His issues are not yours, do not get swallowed by his problems as it will only effect you negatively. You cannot save him or change how he feels, you can only take it at face value and as it stands, he has abandon you. I say this as a person who was in your shoes not once, but twice. If he's done it once, he will do it again. At this point in time, all you can do is accept it for what it is and do your best to begin the process of moving forward with your life.

--Rae 

21 minutes ago, kayc said:

Brooke,

I'm sorry you're going through this...I went through it too eight years ago, my fiance blindsided me by breaking up with me when he was caregiving his mother.  2-3 months later she died.  A certain number of grievers feel they can't do a relationship at the same time they are grieving, all of their focus goes into their grief.  They will let in friends and neighbors, but not their SO.  I guess because with a relationship, they feel something is required from them but they just don't have it in them to give anything right then.  We never did get back together, he doesn't trust himself not to hurt someone should something happen again, so he hasn't dated since.  (we're older)  We are good friends though, and I value his friendship, although I would not want to be with someone that would so easily throw me away for something beyond my control; I'd prefer to have someone who would go through thick and thin together in life.

It would help if he would get professional grief counseling, you could suggest it to him, but only he can make that decision.  

About all you can do is  be supportive from the sidelines.  If he continues putting you on hold, only you can decide how long you will accept that and when enough is enough and move on.  Going no contact protects your feelings for him and allows healing to come into play.  You are already busying yourself and focusing on your own life and that is good.  But each day that goes by and you don't hear from him, it allows resentment to come in and does damage to your relationship.  You can try to be this big forgiving person, but we're human and that only lasts so long.  Good luck to you, keep us updated.

Everything KayC has stated here, I second. It is up to you to decide how long you're willing to be put on hold. It is unfair of him to expect you to wait around for him, and you can't be waiting idly for long, we aren't designed that way and as KayC said, it will only cause resentment.

19 hours ago, Brooke1214 said:

I am going through literally the same exact thing right now. My boyfriends mom died about 2 months ago, she lost her battle with cancer after 2 years. Our 5 year anniversary is next month, he seems to be pulling further and further away from me, but keeping his friends closer than ever. When I asked him if he wanted to take time apart and for me to give him space he says no, he doesn't want to break up he keeps asking me to hang in there. He is an only child and EXTREMELY close with her. Before she got sick we were talking about moving in together and getting married, ever since she got sick, those things seem to have gotten further and further away. I can't imagine what he is going through right now, but to say I am not suffering as well would be a lie. It's been so hard to watch him go through this but to watch him go through and feel like he doesn't want me around even though he says that he does hurts even more. He goes to his dads house every night and gets mad if he can't he has been very protective of his dad lately which is understandable. He always worked a lot and is a very hard worker and I always admired that but now it seems to be out of control and I am starting to get very worried about him working too much and not listening to his body. He keeps asking me to hang in there and I truly love him so much and I want to think that I can but its hard to do so when he seems to have time for everyone but me. I know that is has only been 2 months and everyone grieves differently and I have been trying to surround myself with positive vibes and people. Doing things that I love and hobbies that maybe have taken a back seat lately. It still hurts everyday. I miss his mom dearly, she was an amazing woman and I had a great relationship with her. My boyfriend is definitely not himself at all! There are days when I feel I do not even recognize him anymore.  I miss him terribly.

Brooke, you need to take cues from him. You can be there for him if he still wants you to, but you do need to still maintain yourself, your hobbies and your life. If he asks for space or time alone, give it to him. Don't be at his beck and call and don't let yourself get caught up and swallowed by his grief. Now, I am not saying this is a guarantee that your relationship will ever be normal again, or that its a fool proof way to get him to stick around if he doesn't want to. But, you need to understand that even though you had a relationship with his mother too and may be experiencing grief from that, it doesn't mean you can do anything for his grief. Do not try to fix or save him, all you can do is be there for him if he asks. We all experience grief differently as you can see by reading stories here. Some can maintain their relationships, while others cannot.

If you feel he is pulling away, think of it like a rubber band, do not create slack by trying to move in closer to him as it may cause him to stray further. As I said, take cues from him and let him sort himself out while maintaining yourself and going about your life as normal. Be there for him when he asks, but DO NOT allow yourself to get swallowed in his feelings. Misery loves company, and so does confusion. If he comes back to you in time, you need to have the necessary conversation and address this behavior in order to move forward, if he does not come back, then it was a deliberate choice on his part. Do not give away your power. I know its hard because I have been on both sides of this coin and it is gut wrenching to sit there and watch the person you love act this way while you stand by helplessly.

If he were falling into a hole and you reached out your hand to help, he still wouldn't take it. All you can do is stop yourself from falling into the hole with him. He has chosen to deal in his own way, and you need to respect that. He will eventually come to terms with it, but he needs to do that for himself and learn to live with this loss. He will do so on his own time, not yours.

--Rae 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I want to add that just because we see this horrendous behavior, it's a process to digest it, realize it, and respond to it accordingly.  We remember the person they were and it's hard to come to terms with changes that great!  It's good to realize they aren't the person we'd thought them to be and to do what is best for ourselves.

So perfectly stated, KayC! It took me 3-4 months to fully understand this, how to see them for who they truly are and why we do it when Tim and I fell out for the final time. During this time was when I was told what I posted about in my last update. Even after Joe cheated on me and lied about it, for a few months after I was still willing to work things out and take him back if he'd have me. I am grateful I realized better and decided against it because he would've just disrespected me further. However, I didn't realize this until after I had tried to work things out with Tim.

You need to let go of the idea that he has any obligation to you or your feelings. He also is not obligated to feel anything about the break-up, or express his feelings if he does. As I said before, he probably let go of your relationship/began to move on before he actually broke up with you. While it may hurt you that he left on holiday with friends when it was your due date, he was not forcing you to have feelings about it and honestly, probably wasn't bothered by it at all. As Marty said, no one can make you feel anything without your consent. What is significant, hurtful and/or meaningful to you, may not mean anything to him. You're still giving him power/control over you and your feelings, stop allowing him to do that. He doesn't deserve it. I am not saying you aren't allowed to feel as you do. Simply saying: stop expecting him to react or care about something just because you do, and then getting sad/upset when he doesn't react the way you want him to. You can't control how other people handle/express their feelings; you only have control over yourself and you're still giving away that control then getting upset when it doesn't go your way.

 However, it's great to see that you're finally realizing that he didn't have your best interests in mind.

As far as his words go. I'm going to suggest something quite raw: They are just words. Words are empty air without action to back them up. You need to let go of the notion that his empty, pretty words and promises about the future meant something. They were just his "get out of jail free" cards in the latter part of your relationship to get out of taking responsibility for his actions and put his needs first. Unless he put a ring on your finger and/or followed through with actions, he didn't make any sort of commitment or vow to keep his words. And you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that he did.

You need to ask yourself why you're so stuck on the idea that he owed/owes you something because of the words he said to you. I understand that you were clearly more invested than he was, but you are reverting back to his words as if they mean something now. He broke up with you, therefore anything he said while in the relationship is null and void. You need to work on moving forward, and replaying his pretty promises in your head will only get you stuck in a rut and believe that he owes you something. You will not be able to progress in moving forward this way.

Maybe there were red flags and signs that he wanted out of the relationship long before he ended it, but you ignored them and he was too much a coward to admit there was a problem and end it. It happens all the time. It happened to me too. But, you need to stop replaying all those words he said to you, and understand that's all they were. Clearly, by the way he coerced and treated you, those words were a pacifier to settle things down for the time being and quell the arguments. He had no intention of following through, and you need to accept that.

I say this because I noticed you're heavily referencing his past words/promises in your posts, as if those words are clues to his feelings or have any real merit like he owes you something because at one time he said "XYZ thing about the future." Again, you need to take his words and actions at face value. He broke up with you, therefore the pretty words he said before the break-up are moot, they mean nothing.

I only say this because at some point, you need to acknowledge and accept the failures/problems/arguments by both you and him that led to the breakdown of the relationship and eventual break-up. I understand that he was callous, selfish, manipulative, controlling and awful to you regarding the termination, but you were the other half of the relationship before he coerced you. Stop focusing on his meaningless words and focus on yourself and moving forward.

I've been where you are, and I was told something very similar as I am saying to you. I didn't want to hear it at the time because I was in the thick of my self-loathing and sadness, but I needed to hear it more than anything and now I understand why they said it. I was giving away the control over myself to a person who had let go of me, and I was intentionally making myself more upset because all I wanted was closure or an apology and was angry with him for his disregard of how I felt. When the truth was, he didn't owe me an apology and it was wrong of me to expect I'd ever get one because he made it glaringly clear that my feelings didn't matter to him. I wanted him to feel the way I felt and was convinced that he was supposed to feel something, but honestly, I don't think he felt anything. By acting as I was, I was doing myself a major disservice. The person who said this to me was right, and it took me a long time to realize what they meant by it.

--Rae 

11 hours ago, PippyL said:

How are things now?

PippyL, this thread is 7 years old now. Her last update was I think in 2011. As far as I am aware, no she did not get back together with this guy. She posted on one of her last updates that things were over and done between them. I read her and Tom19s story and many others here like mine and yours, and none of us have reconciled with the people who brought us here. Might I suggest starting your own thread instead of reviving and taking over someone else's. You need to understand that each of these are unique, but also similar as you can see if you read through them. Just because one person got back together/through this with their partner does not mean someone else's outcome will be the same. We all thought we'd be the exception, and we all wanted to be, but none of us were. It's just how things turned out. I came here 3 years ago looking for hope too. While I didn't find hope we'd reconcile, I DID find ways to move on and get over him. KayC, Marty and the other contributors give fantastic advice because we've all been through this.

However, there is some stellar advice in this thread from Ron B, KayC and Tom19. I suggest reading through it to get some perspective and heeding the advice given.

--Rae 

Be glad you rid yourself of him. You said you are a nurse and/or in school to be one? Try focusing your time into your work and building relationships with your colleagues. I'm sure the hospital you work in or the school you go to has grief support groups, or has the resources to find you one.

Yes, 3 months isn't too long and it's normal, considering the other experiences you're also dealing with. I think you are correct that your need for support is what's making your heart long for him and miss him. The first year post-death is always the hardest, I think. 

My counselor explained to me, and I now believe this to be true, that grief does not go away, it just changes. (This is an example not an expected timeline or outline): At first think of grief as an over packed suitcase you're struggling to carry/push through the airport, after a few more attempts you downgrade to a manageable suitcase, then you unpack more so you're down to a carry-on suitcase, then eventually just a backpack, then just a shoulder bag, then a small wallet, and then it becomes the size of a credit card you just carry around in your back pocket. It doesn't ever go away, and you will change with time, but so will the grief, and eventually it will just be something you always carry in your pocket. Some 7 years later for me, this still rings true.

To answer your question of whether or not he will every truly be sorry, understanding or apologetic for the pain he caused you, there is no answer. We like to assume karma, regret or guilt will eventually get to the other person and they'll apologize or show remorse, but this is not always true. Some 2.5 years later, my ex still has not contacted me, apologized for how badly he treated me, or offered any sort of explanation for his callous behavior. Truthfully, I don't expect him to or believe he was ever or will ever be sorry for it. And even if he was and offered an explanation/apology, it wouldn't make a difference anymore because I've moved forward and frankly don't care to hear anything he'd want to say to me. As I feel it'd be more about making himself feel better than actual remorse. He turned himself into a ghost, and I expect ghosts to stay dead. My ex-fiance after 7 years together cheated on me, lied about it for months and then left me for the girl. Some 5 years later in 2017, he contacted me asking to meet up when I was in town, I agreed. We went out for dinner and he explained how deeply sorry he was for cheating, treating me like I was nothing and wondered if I'd be open to reconciling. He explained that the girl he cheated on me with left him after 3 years for someone else, and that's how he finally understood how deep, badly hurt and the damage he had done to me. By then it no longer mattered to me, as I had moved on and did not care to hear his apologies or sob stories. Not long before this I had moved and gotten a better job, so I had zero interest in going backwards in time. I felt as though he was apologizing to make himself feel better, and that's why I didn't want to hear any of it. We are friends on FB now, but that's all we'll ever be again.

Your exes lack of empathy toward you shows that he probably moved on well before he broke up with you, but decided to be a coward and wait until the last minute to actually tell you.

He did not rob you of anything but a future full of misery being in a relationship with such a crappy, selfish and flaky person. You are now free to build your life in any way you see fit, going back to him would only spoil that. He is only contacting you to try and poke at you to see if you'll react, and to boost his own ego/reaffirm his decision to break-up. Do not give him the satisfaction of a reply. If you have an iPhone, disable "read" receipts and just read then delete, or better yet, just block him. You are right in that he made a mockery of your situation by acting as though he is unaffected, but that just shows his lack of care/respect for you. He is a coward, plain and simple.

It's not that he couldn't offer you support, he just didn't want to. And you don't need people like that who flake and run at the first sign of an issue. He also may not have been emotionally equipped himself to deal with it all either, and that's probably a huge reason he flaked. Because he felt too much pressure was being placed on him for support when he had no idea what to do and probably "didn't want to deal with it." It's a common reaction to traumatic experiences and/or death. It's like when your friends offer you empty words of reassurance like "I'll be here if you wanna talk/Sorry for your loss" just to fill the silence, but when you really need them, they disappear. Loss is an individual experience, but it doesn't have to be a lonely one. Even though it feels quite lonely. Unfortunately though, a lot of people don't know how to comfort others, especially when they haven't lost anyone close. So while they mean well in their words, chances are it's just words they're offering, so it's pretty counterproductive.

Try and focus on rebuilding your self esteem, your career, finding friends and support while also working to move somewhere else in the future, like a flat by yourself or with some roommates. Don't make any sudden drastic changes, but DO work on fostering your own self-reliance, independence and creating a better life for yourself without him.

--Rae

https://youtu.be/P3fIZuW9P_M

https://youtu.be/jmUayKnHWWM

These two videos helped me gain some perspective when I was going through my last break-up 2.5 years ago. My last break-up was quite similar to yours (minus the pregnancy) and I felt abandoned, lost, unworthy of love and like I'd never find anything better. Things do get better, they just take time. You will heal, and you will let go. But it has to be an active decision on your part too, or you'll just keep replaying old memories and get stuck running in circles.

Please consider seeing a counselor, while they may not have the answers you seek, they will help you cope and steer you to a path that could lead you to a better place.

https://youtu.be/3TdYkNsnis8

This is a more recent video I've come across, but I feel like it could be of help for you to understand what I'm saying in regards to you hoping he'll come back because you still love him.

--Rae

I don't have experience with losing a parent, but I do have experience with losing a grandparent who was basically a father, and a best friend to suicide. The anniversaries of their deaths even 7 years later still bring back memories and some tears. Do what feels comfortable, cry, talk with relatives, do something that you know they'd love, visit their grave, etc. But do consider visiting a grief counselor if you are unable to manage or things start to feel as they did during the first few weeks post-death.

As far as your ex goes, I am going to say this as kindly as I possibly can: YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONE LIKE THAT BACK. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU WILL FIND BETTER. I say this as a person who was in the same situation as you, was promised the world and was madly in love with a guy who never intended to deliver on his promises or keep his words. These are NOT the kind of people you want to be with. I understand you love him and are reminiscing, missing him and his support, but he still left you at your weakest after manipulating you into making a potentially life-altering decision against your will and even still promising he wouldn't walk out; but he still left. Why would you want to be with someone like that? If he did it once, he will do it again.

You said yourself you felt he contacted you out of nothing more than to make himself feel better, not because he actually cares about you. It was simply his way of absolving himself of guilt or wrongdoing. This is absolutely correct. And, as hard as it is to hear: it is because he doesn't care for or respect you. Just based on your initial post, he probably let go of/moved on from your relationship long before he actually broke up with you. Both of my long-term exes did this to me too, and I refused to accept it. Until it became so obvious I couldn't deny it anymore and it was devastating. And that's the only reason I'm saying this: YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are selling yourself short thinking a guy who treats you with such blatant disrespect is the best you can get just because your relationship had some good times. Hint: all relationships have "good times" but that does not mean you should allow yourself to tolerate blatant disrespect and emotional abuse/manipulation for the sake of those "good times." That is not what love is.

I understand you still have feelings and that you love him. But, WHO LOVES YOU? It clearly isn't him. You deserve someone who is going to love you on your worst and best days, not when "everything is good." Life happens, death happens, hardship happens, and if he isn't willing to stick by your side the way you would for him, he doesn't deserve you. Relationships are not 50/50 once in a while, they are 100/100 or nothing at all. Considering all the undeserved hardship, strife and stress he put on you because of his inability to be honest with you or take responsibility for his actions, this completely outweighs any "good times" you once had. Relish the memories, and be grateful you felt the love, but understand you need to do what's best for YOURSELF and walk away.

I would strongly suggest going fully NC by blocking his number and social media, as you said all you get is hurt every time he contacts you, and you feel he is doing it as a "good deed" to make himself feel better. His breaking up with you released him and you of any further obligation to each other. And obviously, that was his intention and has been for some time considering his "you'll be a single mother if you don't do what I want" comments. That statement alone should've been enough to understand that he doesn't care for you the way he claimed and no longer wanted a future with you. This was him looking out for his own best interests, not yours or your relationship. He just seems like a selfish, flaky and inconsiderate person.

He probably did mean what he said to you early in the relationship and he could still care about you, but people change like the weather and their feelings change too. You need to take his words at face value, you said in your OP that he said to you "I love you, but I am NOT in love with you," there is no deeper hidden meaning here, he does not want to continue the relationship, end of story. You cannot rely on his words while ignoring his actions and pattern of behavior. His actions and behavior also indicate that he no longer wants to be with you. You may still be reeling from the termination, arguments and break-up but they don't seem as though they are of any bother to him. I am sorry things ended this way for you and that your ex is being so insensitive. But, he did break up with you, therefore releasing himself of any further obligation to you and you to him. You need to accept this and continue in your process of healing and moving forward with your own life. The statement holds true that "you can tell more about the true character of a person by how they end a relationship rather than how they begin one."

Walking away from someone is a process, you don't just "move on." You need to take some time, whether it be a few months or a year and deal with your feelings, confront yourself, and accept your role in the relationship that contributed to both the good, the bad and the break-up. Now, I am not saying that his poor treatment and callous disregard of your feelings is your fault, because it is not. What I am saying is that you need to do some thinking and soul searching about why you want a person like that to come back and why you'd still want to be with a person like that. You seem relatively young (I'm 27), a guy like that is not worth wasting your life on, especially if he's already broken your heart, disrespected and left you at your weakest to fend for yourself when he said he'd be there for you. You will have better times with other people, you will find better love and relationships elsewhere. Please, do not stay stuck running in a circle pining over someone who let go of you and made it clear they don't care about you, want you, or have your best interests in mind. You deserve someone who wants you, and this guy obviously doesn't. 

--Rae 

Thank you, KayC!

I am a practical person as well, I don't like grandiose gestures/declarations of love (even as a teenager) and I made both of my exes aware of this. Joe was a romantic too, but it worked for us because we met each other in the middle and would show each other affection in ways that were comfortable and familiar to us both. Tim was similar to me in that he wasn't very outwardly romantic (maybe its just his emotional unavailability, but who knows). We still found and developed ways to show affection and gratitude for each other like cooking together, going to the gym, etc.

I learned a lot after my engagement ended, losing loved ones, a few rounds of therapy, a couple casual "relationships" that were just convenient, my experiences with Tim and the fallout from that. And since then, have been able to look at my friends relationships and my past ones with more objectivity and clarity, something I wasn't able to do while in the muck of wading through break-ups, constant uncertainty, fear and sadness.

I try not to make Joe and I's relationship the standard I go by, but there are elements of it that I haven't found anywhere else, and probably never will. We started out very similarly to what you and George had and we put in effort, but we were young, inexperienced and ultimately grew apart as we grew up. He showed me what love really looks like, even if it doesn't last forever. And, love certainly isn't all that fairytale nonsense from the Notebook, real love is better than that. While I know I won't be alone forever, I am not going to settle just to have company.

12 hours ago, Vanush said:

Hi all, 

Firstly let me just say thankyou for everything you all do. You provide a fantastic forum for thought and support. 

I am looking for some advice and support. I met a girl approximately 6 months ago, and we dated for a little (2 months). I thought she was fantastic and we had a great time together, but she was very closed off at times. She appeared to be very distant at times and our initial spark died down and wore out. It was at this time that she shocked me by saying "I feel like you are not into this, and are not committed". I needed space at the time for exams and to think about this relationship, as it seemed to be not quite working so well and I was extremely stressed . She ended up messaging me during this period to tell me that she knew where we were headed and we should cease seeing each other. That also shocked me, but I also felt somewhat relieved to have the pressure off. This was her first ever relationship.

Over the coming month I began to reflect upon this encounter. We both really liked each other, and we shared so many common values- family, sense of humour, kindness etc. It appeared to have ended prematurely, so I contacted her. We discussed what had happened, agreed that we needed to open up more and agreed to begin seeing each other again. It was complicated by the fact that I have to move interstate the following year, but we agreed to take it as it came and see how it went. It took a couple of times, but it was absolutely wonderful. She opened up and began sharing herself more fully and I did the same. There were times when I felt however, that there may be something missing. However these were followed by wonderful times. Then, 4 weeks into this, she asked me "do you see a future with this". At the time, it was in the middle of the night, and I was exhausted, and answered "I am really enjoying hanging out and getting to know you, but I need more time to develop my feelings". She did not take this well, and we arranged to have a subsequent discussion. 

I assumed that she was asking me to commit and say it would work during an interstate relationship. I explained to her that this was not something i could tell her as it had been 4 weeks which wasn't enough time for me, but if it was a case of being exclusive I was happy. She reiterated that we'd known each other for 6 months, and my response didn't inspire confidence in her, and she needed more reassurance. As I sat there, I knew this was slipping away, but was reluctant to fight for it, as I'd already resurrected the relationship and was anxious not to lead her on or let her down. I am an anxious person, and was extremely anxious about mistreating her or being untrue to her or myself. 

She told me that this should end, and it did. 

I am absolutely gutted today, and perplexed. She asked me a question which I interpreted and attempted to give an honest answer to. What she said she wanted me to say was "let's be bf/gf, and see how this goes, no guarantees but we'll try". I would have been happy with that outcome, and so would she. But despite me expressing that, she maintained that my reaction gave her no reassurance, and she left. 

If I'm being true to myself, there were a few times I felt perhaps this was not the right thing for me, and perhaps I am just lonely, but she was beautiful, kind, lovely and perfect. Everything aligned, except the fact that she was anxious to gain commitment and felt insecure. This was reassurance that I could not provide, but am feeling baffled by how two people so good for each other could fail. When we weren't talking about "where are we" and "what are we" everything was perfect. But I felt forced, pressured and rushed to make a commitment that I feel as if I was going to get to by myself, and so I didn't fight for it. What we were wanting though, was essentially the same. But our communication and timing seemed to be on different pages. 

Is this (anxiety about commitment) really enough to ruin a somewhat-perfect relationship? I feel like I shouldn't contact her again as it has failed, do you agree? 

I feel absolutely devastated and low, but I also consider maybe she just wasn't the right person for me, or maybe the wrong time? Does my hesitancy to commit mean something?

These are all questions I'm grappling with right now, and the sadness and sense of waste that goes with seeing a beautiful girl pass you by because you can't give her enough reassurance. The sense of waste that comes with thinking you both wanted the same thing, and wondering why it didn't work. 

Any help would be greatly appreciately,

Sincerely,

Vanush

Hi Vanush,

Personally, it seems as though she prematurely expected you to commit to a relationship to ease her own insecurity. You cannot rush these things and force them to turn into something and that's what it seems she tried to do. As you said it put you under anxiety, pressure and undue stress which is not fair to you. Commitment takes time and that is something you build and move toward together. You both need to be on the same page about what you want/expect from the beginning. It seems like you were not.

You mentioned this was her first relationship. While that's not a bad thing, as we've all had to start somewhere and everyone makes mistakes whether it's our first or 5th relationship. It seems like she doesn't know how to communicate her needs and doesn't know how to manage a relationship. She may also have those "relationship fantasy" goggles that a lot of girls/women get from Rom-Coms, but (hopefully) eventually realize that those "perfect relationships" are never going to happen IRL because they aren't real. She needs to be made aware of these things and encouraged to work on them.

Your hesitancy to commit isn't a bad thing because as you said, you weren't sure you wanted to from the start and she put pressure on you when you expressed that your feelings take more time to develop, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, where it becomes a problem is when you intentionally lead people on, lie, make promises and say things you don't intend to follow through on. You said yourself you were honest with her to avoid her being mislead and that is better than lying to her. Her reluctance to see things from your POV and understand that you didn't mean any harm in your words says to me that she expected you to give into her wants without respecting yours.

We all have flaws. Unless you're both willing to continuously work on yourself and your flaws (single or taken), these things will always cause issues in your relationships.

It doesn't seem like she communicated this to you whatsoever, she just expected it from you and then was upset when you showed some apprehension to make such a sudden, potentially life changing decision in an instant, and I don't think that was right of her to do. "Right/wrong timing" is a fallacy, but it seems that communication was lacking from both ends. This is just my opinion, but I feel like you are both infatuated by the idea of commitment and a relationship, and that she expected you to give her that when she sent mixed signals with the distancing herself at random and didn't take the time to get your perspective about how you felt. Feelings, love and commitment do not happen overnight, they are active choices once you initially choose to invest into a relationship.

My ex Tim and I dated in total for 20 months, our connection was instant and we both felt it, however, I did not expect him or myself to commit to a relationship within the first month of dating. Yes, we were in a relationship, but the choice to commit to each other was discussed before we moved anything further, it is something we both agreed to do because we both wanted it. He didn't tell me he loved me until about 6 months into our relationship because for some (including myself) that is not a word you use lightly and you don't say it to someone unless you truly mean it and, feelings aren't always instantaneous.

Sometimes, two good people bring out the worst in each other, and it just doesn't work out. It happens all the time. Just because you were attracted to each other and had things in common does not make you "right" for one another. Relationships don't just happen, they require work. It seems as though you both just expected things to fall into place naturally, but didn't really communicate from the start. What if you had been in a relationship for a few years and were in love, then one day she says "You're not committed to this" and leaves? You'd still be left with the same questions you have now, but the difference is you'd be invested and committed to her which would make it that much harder to let go.

Truthfully, you only dated for 8-12 weeks and within that short time frame you said the "spark" fizzled out, she was distant, there was no communication between you about where you wanted things to go and she put pressure on you to commit to something that she hadn't expressed she even wanted and that you weren't sure you even wanted. There was no real foundation for a relationship to be built upon. That's like building a house without a foundation or floor, yeah it might look nice from the outside, but how long is it going to last?

I think what you're doing now is putting her and the "relationship that could've been...if only..." on a pedestal and its making you stay stuck on the good times you did have instead of realizing you need to cut your losses, process your feelings and in time let things be so you can move forward. I know that probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but from what you've said, that seems like the best course of action. However, I do agree with KayC that what you've written here is concise and well put.

--Rae 

Hi SBM,

Let me just start by saying, I am so sorry for all your hardship and such tremendous losses in a short period of time.

To answer your questions: You are absolutely right to not want to speak to him! I don't mean to be of offense, but he sounds like an awful, insensitive and irresponsible person. You are absolutely allowed to be angry! I would be upset for you if you weren't angry. Telling you you'd be a single mother if you kept your baby?! WHO DOES THAT?! You dodged a bullet, seriously. At the very least, be glad he spared you the terrible fate of being with him any longer and trying to raise a family with someone so awful. His true colors would've shown eventually.

It seems as though he was careless to your grief, the pain he caused you with forcing you to terminate and his overall behavior towards you in general. This is just my opinion as I have been in a similar situation with a past boyfriend (minus the pregnancy), but it seems like he didn't have any real regard for your feelings or you as a person, and was acting purely out of selfishness and meeting his own needs, while keeping you hanging on and around for his convenience, especially in the end. He put you in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation and that is not fair at all. While I understand his reasoning that he wanted to wait a few more years to have kids, in this specific situation, it was a cop out and an excuse to make you do what he wanted. As it seems as though he probably would've left anyway, unexpected pregnancy or not. He seems wishy-washy, confused and like he didn't value your relationship much and already had one foot out the door. As you said, you made a life altering and traumatic decision, and he still left anyway. You deserve better.

The part about all of this that makes me angry: He made a baby with you and then acted like it was your fault/problem and that it was your responsibility to deal with by yourself if you didn't do as he said?! UGH. Again, I don't mean to be offensive, but he sounds like the worst type of person imaginable. I don't even have the words to describe how vile. I had a friend go through this situation and it was soul crushing for her. He tried to force her to abort, She ended up having the baby, only to have it's "father" say awful things about her, treat her like garbage, treat their child like garbage, and blame her for ruining his life because he was forced to pay support after refusing to ever be a part of the child's life.

He may have said all those pretty words to you in the beginning, and maybe he did mean them at the time, but it sounds to me like he never really meant anything he said to you. And, I am so sorry he has done this to you. If he's telling you you're not enough for him, HE'S NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU AND NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.

It's great that you're making progress and starting to let go of him, I would advise to not contact him at all as it could bring you back to square one. It is normal to be hurt, angry and outraged over his treatment of you. No one deserves to be treated with such callous disregard, EVER. His manipulating you into terminating, citing that "he can't be with you/you'd be a single mother" is nothing short of abuse. That is emotional abuse. Might I suggest seeking counselor or therapist if you are able, as it may help you to better sort out your feelings and gain some clarity.

--Rae 

5 hours ago, Trey said:

Hi Generic,

As someone who is only a few months removed from a similar situation, I'd strongly advise you heed the advice of KayC and Rae. I refused to do that at first, I stubbornly persisted with my hopes, checking on my ex in the background and trying to 'play all my cards right'. I wanted more than anything else for her to 'snap out' of the state that lead her to push me away, and only recently have I come to accept that it was not a state. It seems tragic events can change peoples feelings, for some it may be short term, but from what I've ready on this site, it's usually permanent. My ex also resorted to cocaine on a few occasions, and was not happy about it either. 

Finding something you think is real is not easy, and it's even more difficult to let it go. I refused to believe that my situation would follow the trend of the rest. That stubbornness to not give up on her and us destroyed me, and I'm still far from healed. A break up always hurts, but even more so if you, like me, feel like you were 'robbed' by fate and bad timing. As KayC and Rae tried to tell me (which I regret not taking for face value) is that the notion of 'right person, wrong time' is a fallacy.

It's my first time contributing to a post other than my own, but from my recent experience, this is what I would advise.

1. Don't ignore your gut feelings, I'd thought special circumstances like this would be exceptions and I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt, now I believe that circumstances like these, when our brains refuse to see what we don't want to, are exactly why we have them. I'm sure members of the other group mean well, but remember that these situations are unique. It seems the closer you are to the person, the more likely the backlash. I would trust my gut on this. 

2. You can't be there for someone who doesn't accept or want you there. This is a battle he has to fight, and one that he has opted to exclude you from.

3. Don't try to be a hero, you can't help anyone unless you look after yourself first. I was ok with being hurt so long as it meant helping someone I cared about, but I neglected myself in the process and I came off worse for it. It's hard to know what is going on in his mind, and why he has opted to behave this way. All you know is that he is.

and an important last one...

4. Decisions made in an emotionally fueled instant, are usually quickly reverted. Looking back at my ex's behavior leading up to when she isolated herself from me I can now see the signs that I chose to ignore at first. If you choose to wait, that's your choice, but if this isolation from you lasts longer than a few weeks, it is my opinion that it was a thought out decision, and those tend to be long term or permanent. 

 

 

Trey, EXACTLY. So beautifully written. 

After a certain point, their behavior is a deliberate choice. I had to learn this the hard way with Tim too. Like you and Generic, and many others here, I wanted to be the exception, and believed that maybe with time, he'd see how "right" we were, even if the timing wasn't ideal. But I was foolish, in love and didn't want to admit I was wrong, and came out worse for it.

However, I'm glad you've realized it and have begun to heal yourself. It hurts, and it sucks having to walk away from something you believed was real because it's so hard to find. 

Generic, I hope you at least read these replies and do your best to follow your gut and heed the advice. I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear, but we are all speaking from similar experiences.

--Rae

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I understand what they're saying, but there is no perfect answer because there's no perfect move.  In other words, if he's going absent on you, there is NOTHING you can do about it.  Contacting him more can be construed as pressure and can be more apt to cause him to make a final break.  While it's possible he'll feel abandoned if you're not contacting him, it's also not likely if you are taking your cues from him.  I have read each and every post in the threads in "Loss of Love Relationship" section and when you read them all, you see a pattern.  You see Griever breaking up and Partner doing everything known to man to be there for them, give them space, show interest, etc. and no matter what they do, they're damned if they do, damned if they don't.  In other words, grievers can be very thin skinned and sensitive and their perspective skewed and they can find fault no matter how perfectly we try to respond to them.  I would say respect his wishes, take your cues from him.  Understand there are no guarantees your relationship will survive intact.  If/when that happens, realize it is him, not you, seriously!

He hasn't made a clean break as of yet but it looks like he's headed that way, you can't know for sure, but it looks like the usual pattern.   Don't appear needy or make any demands on him right now.  On the other hand, this is a hard position to be in and no relationship can survive totally one sided for long, so understand that if you need more out of a relationship, it may be time to move on.  I say that not because I don't care about the griever, but because I've seen too many of them enter their cocoon to never emerge to their partner and it ends up that way anyway and because I know how important it is for you to do what is ultimately best for YOU.  Grievers can be incredibly self-centered...I can say that because I have been a griever, I've seen much grief and I'm not trying to put down grievers, it's merely an observance of what happens when loss occurs, their world becomes in-drawn out of necessity, they're scrambling just to survive and they have nothing to give, nothing, they're are bereft emotionally, barely functioning.  As usual, you can't attribute this to everyone or every case/situation, it's an observance of many, that's all.

Hi Generic,

I echo everything KayC has already said. Having been a griever myself, feeling isolated and lost in the world, and then a few years later the dumpee of griever (what brought me to the forum). It is important to understand that it is not you, it is him. In my experience, nothing I could've said or done for him would've changed his mind about us. I gave him space when he asked, checked in on him, did my best to be understanding and be there for him when he asked, but, in the end none of it mattered because he cast me aside like our relationship never existed.

You cannot force him to bend to your wants/will, even if you're doing so out of love. There is no timeline for how long this could last, but I will say that you cannot expect your relationship to be the same after something like this, even if he does come back. This is his way of dealing with hardship, and it should be noted that this behavior (especially coupled with the drug use) could be a sign of more serious, deeper issues. And you are correct that it is not healthy for you. Please, do not wait around for him to come back and do not believe that sticking around for him during/after such neglect will be some sort of reward or prize that he "chose" you, or that he will even be grateful that you waited for him. He may come back to you, but you will always have that doubt that he may run off again, and that is not fair to you.

You said that you are only 29 and have been together a few months. You deserve better than to be an afterthought behind drugs and unhealthy behavior. It is not valiant, noble or praise worthy to subject yourself to such cruelty at the hands of another under the guise of love. I understand wanting to love a person through their bad times and be there for them, but if they are not allowing you to be their rock during a rough time, then there is nothing you can do. You have to love yourself enough to know when to walk away and do what is best for yourself. You're not much older than me, you have your whole life ahead of you still, please do not waste it waiting around for someone who doesn't already appreciate you. I personally would not be accepting of a person who felt it is appropriate to use drugs/substances as a coping mechanism for their problems, as those issues are personal and have nothing to do with their relationships. I implore you to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who so willingly and easily throws you away when times get tough, and why you want to stay with someone who feels its appropriate to resort to drug use to help them cope. That is not healthy for either of you, and could begin a cycle of enabling and co-dependency.

Just an observation from a girl who has been in a similar place, and who has had experience with addicts.

--Rae 

On 7/11/2018 at 12:58 PM, Trey said:

She texted back that she didn't feel like talking anymore and that I just needed to grow up and talk to someone else. I told her talking to her was a last resort, I had tried talking to everyone, and I wouldnt be doing it if I didnt absolutely need to, that I was just afraid I'd hurt myself. She said she doesn't have time for this and that I was bothering her, and if I kept trying she'd block me. She just said bye and stopped replying after that. How could someone I gave so much to bring themselves to be like that, it doesnt seem human.

On 7/11/2018 at 8:26 PM, kayc said:

Wow.  Trey, excuse me if this offends you but I can't help but feel you dodged a bullet here!  How horrible!  I mean to lie to someone about how you feel is inexcusable no matter what void she was trying to fill for herself.  It shows extreme disregard and lack of character and then to blame YOU somehow and say YOU need to grow up?!!  Double-wow.  I am so sorry, I would be so done with her.  You are right, it doesn't seem human.  I can only say, your person is out there somewhere, waiting to meet you and I wish you such a wonderful life with that person...the person who will not fake her feelings or lie to you.  You deserve so much better than that.

Wow. I am so sorry, but at the very least, now you know the truth so there's no more guessing or wondering "what if?" As Kayc said, you dodged a bullet. People are so callous and cruel like its no big deal and it is awful. Hurt people hurt people. She was like this well before her father died, she just disguised it well. Tim did too. This was all on her, and has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person or significant other. She was just looking to fill a void, and I'm sorry you found yourself as the temporary fill. Tim acted very similar towards me in the end, and I wonder sometimes if that's all I ever was to him, so I completely understand the confusion in wondering why she felt the need to lie to you. But again, she made an active choice to lie when you made it clear that your intentions were genuine and that she had no reason to lie to you.

Wash your hands of her and move forward. You don't need or want anyone like this in your life, friend, lover or otherwise. Don't move on or better yourself out of spite or revenge; move on because you deserve better and learn from the lessons that will come from this experience.

--Rae 

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I am sorry you are going through this, I know how painful and confusing it is...been there!  I was engaged for a year when my fiance suddenly broke up with me when his mom was dying.  That was eight years ago.

You mentioned more than once that this was your first relationship...I hope you're not selling yourself short, I'm sure you were a wonderful girlfriend and I hope you realize this isn't about you, it's about him.  I know we've all heard that term, but in this situation it really is the case, it is his grief, and not about how good you were or weren't together.  Grief does that.  But it is also something revealing about him, because it shows you that rather than going through thick and thin together, he chooses to withdraw to handle things.  That is a red flag in my estimation.  I know you hadn't been together very long so perhaps he justifies it that way, but face it, there is a certain percentage of people that react to grief this way.  That doesn't make them bad people, but not great people to be in a relationship with or count on. 

I think he said what he wanted said and there's nothing more to bring up or contact him for...besides, he knows how to reach you if he wants, he's chosen not to.  It's important not to give yourself false hope that you'll reunite or that things will end up happy ever after with him.  If you read through each and every thread in this section, you'll realize that is not the case, that of all of the hundreds of people represented here, I think there is only one that actually made it through with the relationship intact.  When they break up, they usually stay broken up and maybe that is how it should be.

Breakups are tough to get through because they're so painful, there's no way through it but to persevere and get through the pain to the other side.  Let yourself cry, then when you're ready, pick yourself up and tell yourself you're done crying over him...and be done.  I did that, took me a few months, but I got there.  Meanwhile, it helps to distract yourself if you can, spend time with your family, make new friends, maybe join a different gym without the triggers, do different activities, something the two of you didn't share.

Time will bring you more clarity if you work on getting over him and realize your own self worth.  Take good care of yourself, be patient and understanding of yourself, be your own best friend, even while working on making new friends.  The roughest part is right now, but from here on out it will continue to get better, sometimes so slowly as to seem imperceptible, but one day you will look back and realize how much better you're doing and you'll see how far you've come!  I hope it helps to know that almost all of us have been through this at some time or another.

Hi Rocky,

I am sorry you find yourself in this painful place, as many of us here have. KayC already summed up everything I would've told you. My best friend committed suicide 7 years ago when I was 20, so I can relate to what he's going through when it comes to confusion, sadness and the inability to maintain yourself, as I did some very similar things as your boyfriend has. Though I didn't break up with my boyfriend I essentially abandoned him emotionally for a few months and I treated him poorly. He should have left me, but he didn't. It isn't right for people to act this way, but unfortunately some do. Some years later, my boyfriend of 14 months Tim, abruptly ghosted me after his father died in 2015 and that is what brought me to this forum.

I understand that this is your first relationship, so of course it is going to be hard for you. However, I do feel that given the very brief period of time you were together that you are selling yourself short in believing that he's the best you'll ever find. Please do not pin your self-worth or respect into other people. Realize your worth and that he is losing out, not you. I mean no disrespect because I do know that feelings happen fast for some and that it doesn't invalidate how you feel at this time. But, please DO NOT wait for him, contact him or spend the next years of your life pining over him. If he wanted to contact you, he knows how. Also, do not allow yourself to fall into any mind games he may try to play in his confused state by "keeping in contact with you as friends" or any such nonsense.

2 hours ago, kayc said:

When they break up, they usually stay broken up and maybe that is how it should be.

Breakups are tough to get through because they're so painful, there's no way through it but to persevere and get through the pain to the other side.  Let yourself cry, then when you're ready, pick yourself up and tell yourself you're done crying over him...and be done.  I did that, took me a few months, but I got there. 

I completely agree with this. Let yourself feel, cry and scream if you need to. But at some point pick yourself up, say "enough of this" and be done with it. He does not get to occupy space in your mind and heart that he didn't earn; don't let someone who willingly let go of you keep your heart.

At the time, I was devastated when Tim broke up with me, but now some 2.5 years later I can see that our relationship wouldn't have lasted because the issues that came forward when his father died would have shown themselves in some other way in the years to come and it would have made breaking up that much harder, especially once things became more serious and we spent more years together.

You will get through this and you will move on. For now just take it day by day, focus on your studies, pick up new hobbies, join a student club, etc. It will help keep you going as you work through your feelings.

--Rae 

1 hour ago, Trey said:

The past couple weeks have been rather mixed for me.

I've been spending higher quality time with friends, and have been able to put more effort into self improvement and care, which has kept me more distracted and given me a bit of a self esteem boost as well. I'm still struggling to feel joy, but as I think of it that may have been the case for a while now. I'm days away from finishing school and transitioning to work, but having moved to a new country for school/work that unfortunately means that most of my friends, who were also my support system (my family lives half way across the world) will be moving away very soon. Right now I'm missing the support my ex once offered me, and the sense of optimism/security for my transition that I once felt when I'd thought she'd be by my side for it (she's a local). I don't think about her as much these days, and have been able to let go of the hope that she will one day contact me. I can't help but feel resentful of the fact that she once said that I could always rely on her to give me the kind of support I once offered her if I'd ever needed it, and that she's no longer around now that I feel that need, it sounds selfish but its how I feel now.

My moral has been hampered by the sense of anxiety that I'm having, but I'm hoping that as I make this transition I'll start to feel more secure and move on more thoroughly. I have moved around very regularly during my life, so I'm unsure why this time (although I'm not actually moving anywhere new) feels more difficult than all the previous times. Being away from school, where we met during her temporary return, could help eliminate memory triggers, or so I hope. I'm wondering if I have any other underlying issues that have been brought to surface by all of this? I'm starting to realize that I do not remember being happy all that much in the past, just when I was with my previous ex, and when I'd been so busy with school (but performing very well) that I could feel confident about my abilities and feel some sense of fulfillment, but I think being busy just distracted me and I wasn't actually all that happy.

I just needed some place to vent I suppose, it's funny how different life feels now...

Hey Trey,

I know exactly how you feel, as I was in a similar spot when I graduated college in 2014, even though Tim and I were together, I couldn't shake the feelings of uncertainty, fear and the realization that I wasn't as happy as I had thought, I was just busy so I had no time to worry about my happiness. Though, Tim did help, it wasn't his job to make me happy and I had to figure out why I felt this way even still. After spending a semester in Scotland in 2013, graduating with honors, rebuilding my life after my engagement ended in 2012, and working through the grief of losing a friend to suicide and being months into a great relationship, all these years later, I still felt a void.

I didn't go back to therapy until 2015, when Tim and I broke up for good. I, like you, remember being happy seldomly as a kid/teenager and young adult. I remember always feeling unwanted, isolated and like a social outcast because of my strict religious upbringing. But had mostly brushed it off or ignored it and stayed busy until I couldn't ignore it. While I got good grades, loved to read and was smart, nothing stopped the void from growing as I aged.

Too many people ignore their mental health until it gets so bad they can't control it anymore, I was one of those people. Please seek therapy/counseling as it seems you do have some underlying things you need help to resolve. And that's okay, we all get overwhelmed and mentally exhausted, what's important is your ability to recognize it and seek help when you need it. That "void" you feel is never going to be filled until you work on and find healthy ways to fill it.

I too felt resentful, especially towards Tim because of how he behaved that led to the demise of our relationship. But, I was also angry with myself for believing everything he had said that he never meant and wasn't going to follow through on. That's normal, but also healthy because that means you're working through all your feelings and towards moving on. I do agree that being away from school and things that remind you of her will help too. You will move on, but it takes time. Just don't forget to "check-in" with yourself every now and then between working, friends and other life obligations. And yes, traumatic experiences such as break-ups can trigger unresolved things/feelings from your past that you buried: deal with them head on instead of re-burying them every time they show themselves. That is true strength, and, running from them gets exhausting because you're not going to ever move forward by doing running on a metaphorical treadmill.

Transitioning from school into the work force is scary, but maintain optimistic and confident in your abilities and merits during the job search. You will find something, and through networking, going to job fair events, you will make new friends, but it takes effort. That's one thing college doesn't prepare you for: making friends and maintaining them as an adult. But, do your best to find friends who encourage and support your life goals and career ambitions. Having that support helps. However, there are some things that you will need to do for yourself: like foster self-confidence and mental self-support. I call it "mental maintainence." Therapy and counseling can help you with this too. But healthy mental practices are essential when going into the work force, as your first job or two may not be ideal or your ultimate career goal, think of it as a building block to your future career.

You will meet a lot of people who feel the same as you do now, especially being a recent college graduate. Don't let a bad relationship experience hinder the bright future you've set yourself up for. Write out your goals and post them somewhere as a physical reminder and motivation. 

2 hours ago, nettieboop said:

I'm so sorry this has happened to you....but it kind of seems as though, even though you've dedicated 2 years of your life to this person, you've dodged a bullet....I'm sure he's a great person when sober, but he's an addict, that's the bottom line. I'm so sorry. The fact that you have no contact will enable you to heal, spend some time with your friends and family, etc. RUN. Run as fast as you can. When drugs come into the picture...it is trouble. (((hugs)))

Hi Ebony, I am sorry you find yourself in this position, but its great you have come here seeking advice.

While this is an extremely hard place to be,  I understand how his addiction has affected you and that you are now grieving. As Nettie said, you dodged a bullet. I will keep it simple and concise. No good comes from enabling, or being in a relationship with an addict that does not want to get clean or commit to staying sober. I understand that his friends death was alarming for him and a trigger to use, but that isn't fair to you. 5 People I went to high school with died of an overdose, and I have lost a friend to suicide, so I can understand how traumatic events can be triggers.

You need to focus on getting your life and Independence back on track from this. No contact will enable you to heal. Spend some time with friends, family and please talk to a counselor regarding your struggles. It is quite different from a standard break-up when addiction/abuse are involved.

My mother was married to an abusive alcoholic for 10 years, her second marriage. They divorced when I was 22. My mother was the daughter of an alcoholic who (like her own mother) thought she could force her husband to become and stay sober. This is never the case. Addiction is a monster and even my mother said, and I can attest to what you have said, "When they are sober, they are amazing, wonderful and loving people. But their addictions control them and they will end up controlling you too." My grandmother divorced her second husband, who was also an alcoholic for these reasons, though he was sober from 1983 until his death in 2010 from kidney failure and cancer. My grandmothers first husband died of alcohol poisoning after years of abuse. My mother divorced hers too, after 3 stints in rehab, a decade of abuse, massive financial loss and 2 drunken car accidents.

Please seek counseling, and remember that you have indeed dodged a bullet, please, DO NOT willingly jump back in front of it by trying to gain contact or by dating other addicts in the future.

--Rae

22 hours ago, kayc said:

Try to remember that they say all kinds of things to us because they are confused, they have mixed feelings, don't know what they want BUT, they broke up with us!  Do NOT get your hopes up or read anything into it.  You have some history together, he's used to being with you, they miss that, BUT, they broke up with us!  You have to keep that in mind.  

Right now I feel what he did was unkind.  It was for HIM, not for you.  Because it left him feeling better about what he did and left you mixed up and all over the place.  Grr to him for doing that!  No contact gives you a chance to heal, stirring the pot every now and then mixes you up and leaves your emotions in an upheaval.

I second this sentiment here. Always remember that HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. My ex did the exact same thing as yours now has and it isn't going to end well for you. He does not deserve to be in contact with you after what he has done. He has no right to bring you into his confusion, that's not fair. Misery loves company, and so does confusion. Please do not read too far into what he has said, as he may say something completely different the next time he contacts you, IF there is a next time. What he's doing seems like an attempt to absolve himself of guilt for what he's done (as KayC stated above) by trying to remain in contact and keep you on the hook just in case he does decide he feels like coming back. Please, do not let him do that to you, you deserve better.

21 hours ago, nettieboop said:

I agree with kayc...boundaries are so essential. Actions speak louder than words, and yes, he is all over the place emotionally. I agree 100% with the no contact at this point to protect yourself and not get your hopes up. He will need all sorts of work on himself to get to firmer ground first of all, but also normal people don't just break up in a crisis and repel their loved one(s)...he has issues...and these issues need to be addressed. He is almost 100% likely to continue this cycle again, whether that person is you, or someone else. Protect yourself. Set a boundary. He can't just pop in whenever and wherever after he broke with you, that's not right. He has some healing to do and some serious work to do on himself, for himself. This is a good time for you to process, reflect, and ultimately decide what you want out of a relationship. Your ex jumped ship when the goings got tough...when things get tough is a time to draw your support/loves in closer...not push them away.  I gained so much strength and perspective from being on my own for a while...it really helped. It helped me overcome feeling lonely when by myself, I really started enjoying having my space. Once I got to that point, I put myself out there again and I really paid attention to all red flags...I was worth more than that...and sure enough, a good one came along with strong family values, someone who values commitment, and understands that when the goings get tough, you stick together and figure it out, and work through it. A very good communicator. All of these things lacked in my former relationships. ❤️

Boundaries are absolutely essential! Coming from a person who used to have very few of them, I can attest to this statement as 100% correct. My ex needed all sorts of work too, he had issues that ran far deeper than anything I could've ever imagined. I have not dated in the 2.5 years since we broke up, but its been the happiest 2.5 years I have experienced in over a decade. Full of self-work, self-reflection, travel, gaining new hobbies, etc. I feel this is absolutely essential too, you need to be single (everyone does) at least for a while, to figure out how to construct those boundaries and stick to them and to notice red flags in people and understand the role you played in how your relationships ended and work to improve things about yourself. Your self worth should never be dependent on your relationship status or the thoughts of the person you love, and if they truly cared for you, they wouldn't allow you to pin your self-worth into them. As Nettie said, all the things stated above lacked in my former relationships too (especially between Tim and I), I didn't see it then, but do now.

“You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” ― Wanda from Bojack Horseman

--Rae

22 hours ago, kayc said:

I just hope you take a long enough break to get some clarity of mind and strength...when we're with someone we're interdependent, it's just how it is, so we reclaim our independence when we're single and that can help us see things more clearly, I hope that makes sense, at least that's how it works for me.  I've been through so much with relationships I have no desire to go down that path again, but I had one that was perfect (for me) and that was my husband George, and I wish such a relationship for everyone at least once in their lifetime.  He passed away and I've never clicked with anyone else like I did with him.

I know one thing, it's really important not to "settle", not to accept less from someone than you'd care to live with day in, day out, the rest of your life.  It's important to have good communication, understanding, how you work together as a team, that you complement one another in how you are...for instance, George was spontaneous and fun, very social, I am super responsible and stable, together our pieces fit together like a puzzle and we balanced each other.  I miss that, I miss him so much.

I hope for you that you find "that one"...I know you can't think about that right now, you are still grieving this relationship, you're still in pain.  I'm sorry your friends don't get it, if they haven't been through this, it'd be kind of hard for them to relate, let alone respond.  You're young, both you and Rae, I hope for both of you that you find that one that will treat you with respect and love and consideration, the one that balances you and brings out the best in you, the one that appreciates you for who you are.  If you have to change each other it's not the right one.

Trey, you have a lot to bring to the table, someone would be lucky to get your devotion and patience, your loyalty, and you're introspective too!  Know there was nothing you could have done to avert this because it really was about her, not you.

I echo everything KayC has so eloquently stated here. Never, Ever settle just to say you have a relationship or company. I have only ever been in love with two guys (Joe and Tim), but have casually dated a few others in years past that I was settling for because I was lonely and all my friends were in relationships. It wasn't a good thing to do and I am not proud to admit that I did that. They weren't necessarily bad guys, but they had their fair share of problems (substance abuse, behavioral issues etc) and the "relationships" were purely surface level and short lived. I was also not in the appropriate mental state to be dating any of them either, and who I dated reflected that.

Tim and I breaking up was definitely a turning point for me in that I realized that part of my problem was that I was too focused on finding a partner instead of learning how to be a good partner, both for myself and for my future relationships and friendships. I had no real independence or self-reliance and hadn't for some years and emotionally I was needy and lacking. Tim and I's relationship was amazing, but we both obviously still had growing to do and I am not sure if staying together would've been the motivation either of us needed to change. I am unsure of his well being as we no longer talk, but I do hope he has learned better emotional health practices.

 Being single these past 2.5 years since Tim and I ended has been full of self-reflection, travel, introspection, picking up new hobbies and learning how to be happily single. I am not alone, I have a great circle of family and friends. I also tutor/mentor teenage kids at a local after-school/summer program. While I certainly miss some aspects of a relationship, and will not be single forever, I no longer NEED to be in a relationship just to feel whole. I already am whole and always have been.

Trey, you will get through your hardship and move on from her eventually. You have a lot to offer someone and the right people will see it and gravitate to you, they will also encourage you to be your best self. If your friends are unable to relate, might I suggest a local support group or counselor; if you're a student, most colleges offer counseling or can point you in the direction of resources. And obviously, this forum has been a "life-saver" for many.

--Rae

30 minutes ago, Trey said:

Thank you both for putting in so much effort with me, and others on this forum like me, we'd all truly be lost without someone to guide us, because as much as we'd like to be, we're not and our stories are not completely unique.

There are still several things that linger in my mind (and quite often do more than just linger). For one, I felt she was always honest with me, she told me nearly everything whether it was something I wanted to hear or not. She had told me in the early days that she had reached out to her ex for support, which was not ideal from my position, but I was focused on not controlling how she behaved in order to allow her the freedom to do as she pleased to process her grief.

At times when I felt her push me away slightly, I would tell her that I know that our relationship was still really new and unfamiliar, and if she wanted me gone that she just needed to say so, she would always react as if that was unthinkable, and that I had no idea how much I helped her get through (she would sometimes speak to me whenever dark or suicidal thoughts came to her mind). When she told me she was not at a place where she could consider us a couple, she said she would be honest with me about whether in the future we could resume, or convert to being just friends. When I offered her her space then, again she said she never wanted to lose me, and cared too much for me, and with time we would figure out our dynamic. There were days where she would urge me to come visit her (I was actively trying not to be pushy), ans say all she wanted was to be in my arms. The last days we spent together were good too, she laughed and talked like she hadn't done since her father died. The last night I saw her, I again felt some distance, I live near school (a place she has very bad memories of) and at one point of the night looking out the window made her break down. She told me that she felt she could never come back because of the associated memories, but 'reassured me' that it was only a temporary decision. I began to ask the question again before we slept that night, and she cut me off, telling me not to even think that something like that would help her. She held me tighter that night than she had in a while. The next morning she began making plans with me to come over, and try a new drink she had been gifted, But a few days later is where it all disappeared, in our phone call she mentioned that it would have been better if she told me that night.

I felt it, and I asked her, why did she not tell me then!

I miss our friendship more than anything else, she told me that in the weeks following her fathers death that she pushed some of her closest friends away, and even considered cutting them out, but decided against it after some time. When I'm weak I think about that, and how maybe just maybe that its my turn to be 'temporarily' pushed away. I have no clue what she is up to at the moment, when I did check her social media is was just to see her last active time, and let me know she hasn't hurt herself. I've haven't done that in the past few days. 

I understand that it's a character flaw of hers, but we all have flaws. I do need someone more reliable for me, but for the moment it's hard to keep her out of my mind.

I'm sorry, it feels like I keep going back to square 1. I really appreciate reading your thoughts, and when my mind feels like its overloaded, it helps to write about mine, I feel writing here and coming back here gives me the distraction/strength to keep from checking on her or writing to her, especially when I'm feeling weakest. 

I've decided not to reach out to her, not for a long while at least, she needs it, and I do too. I need to move on with my life, but I'm sure you know as well as anyone that moving on without the person you want most in your life is not exactly an easy task. At times thinking that I managed to help her get past the early stages gives me some sense of comfort, that I had a positive impression on her life, and makes me think I'm ok with us parting ways to continue our own lives. That feeling seldom lasts however.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, and help by sharing your experience, it helps to communicate with someone who has been where I am, and I hope that when I finally have moved on, I can come back and be that person for others who will undoubtedly look for help here. (sorry I had no intention of writing this much when I first logged on)

You're right, we all have flaws. But to me, a person attempting to make someone else take responsibility for, behave badly or treat someone poorly because of it, is a flaw that makes it hard to look beyond, especially in relationships.

I know its hard to get past the feelings of grief and sadness after losing someone, especially a romantic partner. There's no one way to go about it. But I do encourage you to remove her from your social media, its only bringing you back to square 1 and making you reminisce and obsess in a non-productive way. The first time Tim and I separated, I didn't remove him from my social media, even though I should have. It was just too painful at first, however, looking back I do feel that not removing him was my first mistake because it allowed him to keep an eye on me and helped him talk me into trying to work things out. The second time however, I removed all our photos, deleted his number and social media from mine because all that pain he had caused me the first time was now hurt and anger. If you truly want to begin healing and moving on, you're gonna need to remove reminders of her from your life and go 100% no contact. Not because you don't love her, but because you need to do what's best for yourself, and continuing to surround and obsess over her is not good for you.

From what you've said about her (and I mean no disrespect), it sounds like she needs counseling. It seems as though she just buries her feelings, trauma and other things instead of dealing with them and that's not healthy either. As that seems to be a common thread amongst our stories on this forum, our significant others (and even ourselves) didn't deal with our past before trying to move forward and it effects everything in our path badly, and as a result our romantic relationships became a casualty. I was a victim of physical/emotional abuse for years as a teenager, I also felt alone, abandoned and unlovable and I just buried all my feelings of abandonment, hatred and trauma for years. I was almost kicked out of college my sophomore year because of it. These types of things, if not dealt with, can literally ruin lives. If she ever does come back to you, please consider whether or not she has done the necessary mental work to be able to sustain a healthy relationship, as it seems your relationship was not very healthy in the same ways Joe and I's was not. It seems more like co-dependency than love. She was sad and wanted comfort and you were there to provide that comfort as a means to "fix" her problem (even if you did these things unknowingly). It goes back to what I said about people dating a certain person based on where they are emotionally at that point in their lives. We're all guilty of it to some degree, I still see my friends doing it and even I've done it in the past. It doesn't mean you didn't love each other, it simply means your relationship wasn't healthy because the two individuals did not have healthy behavioral habits. And those things can be fixed with individual and couples therapy.

You are absolutely correct that you need someone reliable and that isn't going to abandon you at a moment's notice because of a normal life happening. How a person deals with things like illness, debt, trauma, the death of a loved one etc says a lot more about who they truly are than when they are happy and everything is good. I do believe that people can change, the problem is, some people just don't change because they refuse to believe that there is a problem to begin with, or they are too afraid of change so they just scoff at the idea of things like counseling and therapy. I used to too, until I realized how much better therapy made me feel and how my life began to improve because my mental health did. Now I encourage people to seek it, because its okay to admit we're having a tough time and need someone neutral to talk to.

You will find someone in the future who will want the same as you do, and love you the way you deserve. But there is no need to rush, as feelings do not just disappear overnight. Focus on becoming a better you and healing you, so you can attract the person you want and deserve in the future.

--Rae