Rae1991

Thank you! I just have to add to something Trey said... "Right Timing/Different Timing" is a myth. People change as time moves, and they are allowed to. And yes, sometimes that change isn't what we want and it isn't always good, but it happens. I used to feel the exact same way about Joe and Tim, that if we'd met each other at different times, later or earlier on in life, that maybe our relationships would've lasted or been different. But here's the thing: If they are truly right for you and are willing to fight for the relationship along side you, then you will both make it happen regardless of circumstances. But you need to understand, Love/Marriage DOES NOT conquer all. Relationships take work and if one or both people aren't willing to do the work both individually and as a couple, it will not last. Love does not fix bad behavior, abuse, illness, death, bad decision making, poor mental/emotional health etc. Timing does not fix those things either. People will fix those things when/if they want to, we cannot make them. People's character does not change unless they actively choose to make those changes and improve themselves. And truthfully, at the time, Joe and I and then Tim and I's relationships both worked as they were. But again, you change too and sometimes you just outgrow people and need to move on. People are also very inclined to date people because of where they are emotionally in their lives. For example, if I had no self-respect/esteem or was miserable and sad, I would purposely attract and then date/entertain friends and relationships that were similar or that used me for their personal benefit because I had no boundaries and allowed them to use me. But even KayC said that her her ex Jim told her that if his mother hadn't died, they would still be together. Tim told me that too. But truthfully we both now understand that our relationships were not going to last due to their flaws, red flags we both overlooked and other issues they both had. Being blind to flaws doesn't make them disappear, they will only rear their heads at a later time further into the relationship. Timing is a cop out and an excuse that I feel people use to absolve themselves of commitment, guilt, to spare their ego or another person's feelings from the truth and as a reason to treat people poorly. And that isn't fair. It is an excuse to (for lack of a better term) to be a coward, to lie and to get away with being untruthful. --Rae

I know exactly how you feel. The 14 months Tim and I were together before his father's sudden death were seemingly perfect. We had so much in common and could talk for hours, we lifted weights together, made meals, had fun, supported one another's goals and expressed how lucky we were to have each other. But here's the thing: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. In the days/weeks/months following his dad's death he was the opposite of the person he had made me believe he was and it turned out that who I had fallen in love with was not who he truly was. He was cold, cruel, indifferent and treated me as if I was somehow responsible for his feelings. Maybe the red flags had always been there, and I was blind to them because of our chemistry and eventual love. But it doesn't change the fact that he wasn't who I fell in love with. I fell in love with the representative of Tim, not who he truly was. Truthfully, until his father's death, I had no idea about his past trauma, abuse or his fragmented short romantic relationships in which he'd ghosted all of his ex-girlfriends for no real reason at all. He was deeply emotionally unavailable and refused to communicate with me. It is cruel, it is unfair, it is heartbreaking, but you can't make someone love you or show up and be there for you, no matter how much you love them back. I fought with myself for weeks about walking away but felt guilty that I was "giving up" on him. Tim made me feel guilty for expecting him to treat me better. Some days I'd feel great, and then my mind would circle back and say, "wait, you're heartbroken, you don't deserve to feel better" and I'd start bawling my eyes out again. See, we build them up into an idea of what we want them to be because we know they have the potential to be it, but we want it so badly, we overlook character flaws and red flags because those flaws don't fit our ideal of who this person is and what our relationship could/would be, if only they'd reciprocate our love. But the thing is, we almost always end up "shooting ourselves in the foot" because we refuse to see the truth about who they are. And when things finally do end, it's devastating and we are wrought with regret, "what ifs," self pity and sorrow. It's hard and it hurts, but you have to know when to walk away. What Tim ended up doing to me leeched my soul of happiness, and left me with nothing but confusion and heartbreak. Misery loves company, and so does confusion. You walk away to spare yourself anymore hurt, and because it's the right thing to do for them. Walking away is in itself an act of love. Preserve the memories you have, but understand, you need to walk away. --Rae

Hi Trey, I echo everything KayC has already said. It's in your best interest to remove her from your social media, at least for now. Don't think about "what could be/what if" this will only harm you in the long run and potentially damage your relationships in the future because it will make you believe you and her still have some sort of "unfinished business" that isn't real. "The one that got away" will do the same; When my ex-fiance Joe and I broke up after he was cheating, I used to believe this too. And in the year or so following, it damaged any potential connections I could've had because I was convinced I was missing out on a better relationship with Joe. It's not fair to you, and not fair to any date/relationship you could have later in life. You said you're young, I am too. Joe and I broke up when I was 21-22, I'll be 27 next month. My ex Tim, is what brought me to this forum because I felt so lost, upset and helpless over the situations that transpired resulting in our breaking up. Send a card or something if you want, but leave as that and move forward. You can't sit around pining over a person that has made it clear they don't want you back. Would you really want to be with someone who reacts this way every time something bad happens to them? They just throw you out and then let you come back at their next earliest convenience or need? It's unfair to you and shows glaring character flaws. You say "don't quit until you get your reward," there is no reward in allowing yourself to be set on fire and suffer for someone who wouldn't do the same for you. All that will happen is you're left in a pile of smoldering pieces whilst they are still whole and warm because you sacrificed yourself for them. In this regard, there is no valiant reward, no riding off into the sunset together. And, if you're not going to delete her, at least remove her updates. Trying to stay in the shadows surrounding her, reaching out and showing any interest may have the opposite effect you intend it to. As you're making it obvious you're waiting around for her to come back, and she may perceive that as disrespect and you attempting to force your wants/feelings unto her and she may drift further away. What you're setting yourself up to do could result in you missing out on potentially years of life, happiness and possibly even better relationships than what you had based on false hopes, dreams, "what ifs," pretty words and the assumption you're deserving of a reward for the self-induced suffering. Please, don't do that to yourself. Take it from a person who spent over a year of her life trying to get over a 7 year relationship because I actively chose not to let go of someone who had let go of me long ago because I was hard headedly convinced we were meant to be. Almost 5 years later (2017) he contacted me, tried to apologize, reconcile and tell me that he missed me and that he would like to work on getting back together. I thought about it, but came to the conclusion that if he hadn't left me, my life wouldn't have turned into what it is now, and that I wouldn't have been able to experience the love, friendships, goal achievements and relationships I was now grateful to have had. And that going back to him would only undermine any progress and accomplishments I had made after I rebuilt my entire life because of what he had done, and what I allowed him to do to me some 5 years earlier. I told him that I no longer see him as the love of my life, but that I wish him well and will always love him, but only as a friend and nothing more. Please, do not waste your time pining over someone who doesn't want you back. Let go, move forward, preserve the feelings you have for her and live your life. If they do come back later on, then you are of sound mind and have the freedom to make a choice in the matter that will be unburdened by the past. A year is long time, and a lot changes within it. Don't assume she'll wait around for you, either. Live your best life possible. --Rae

Plain and simple: He was m/is lying to you to keep you around to soothe his ego and spare himself feelings of guilt for treating you so poorly. He said it himself as you stated, "he needs to be alone, but doesn't want us to be done." He doesn't want to be with you, but isn't sure of what he wants, and he probably likes this other girl, but isn't with her fully yet and is uncertain if he will be, so he's keeping you on the hook "just in case" that whole "being alone/single" thing isn't that great and he is unable to find a replacement. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Joe did this exact same thing to me. He was only casually dating this girl for a few months (while we were still in contact) and once things became "official" with them, he disappeared and said "it was just too hard to stay friends with someone he's still in love with so we can't talk anymore." For those few months he still told me he loved me, but he was just confused about life and 'needed time' to be sure I was right for him. It was a blatant lie, he wasn't still in love with me, he was just using me until he got with her. Please, Don't let that be you. I'm sorry if my words sound harsh or callous, but it's the truth. Our situations sound way too similar for it not to be. And you need to hear this. My dad told me blatantly and to my face when I was bawling uncontrollably after all this happened in 2012-13, I was barely 22 at the time: "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. HE'S JUST A DUMB CONFUSED BOY AND HE'S USING YOU. YOU DESERVE BETTER, AND YOU WILL FIND IT. BUT FOR NOW BE BETTER FOR YOURSELF. Don't waste time on revenge or nonsense, just cry your tears, heal and then move on. Don't waste your life pining over some idiot who treats you like you're a dime-a-dozen when you treat him like he's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Move on." --Rae

Kphil, Wow. I am so sorry. How awful of him to do such a thing! You're right to not trust him. Grief or otherwise that just isn't fair to you. Cut all contact immediately and focus on healing yourself. That is nothing more than him being immature and playing games. Try your best not to over think things and let him go. I beg of you, DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. EVER. And, DO NOT allow him to keep playing games with you, because now that you believed his lies, he isn't going to stop lying to you. He may love you, but he clearly doesn't respect you. And love means nothing without trust and respect. That is a major red flag and an absolute violation of trust. That should be the last straw for you, and I hope that it is. It also goes back to what I mentioned about his breaking up with you releases you (and him) of any obligation to wait or continue a friendship. Clearly, he's well aware of what he's doing, grief or not. Grief is not an excuse to treat your loved ones like trash. It's blatantly clear he never had any intention of sticking around, he just didn't want to see you move on before he did and in his grief and confusion just played games to keep you from moving. I wouldn't trust anything he says going forward now that you're fully aware he actually conspired with your close friends to keep you in the dark about what he was doing. If you can, I'd suggest finding new friends and, I wouldn't trust your sorority sisters much either, especially considering it's one of them he's seeing. Be friendly and civil, but do not trust that they have your best interests at heart. But remember, you are broken up. Any words he said after should be taken with a grain of salt. Remove him from your life and do your best not to lash out at her or your mutual friends, after all, who knows what he's told them or her about why you broke up, or why he's doing this. You said he loves you, but I'm sorry, that isn't love. That's just blatant disrespect, game playing and lying. You deserve better than that. If you have counseling services on campus, I'd suggest talking with them to gain some clarity to help you move forward. I was almost a junior in college when I found out my fiance Joe was cheating on me, and had been for months. And it was devastating. He then did similar things to me as yours has to you after we broke up and I believed his lies until I found out he was actually dating this girl (a 10th grade student at the local high school) that he cheated on me with, but was also telling her we weren't still in contact, even though we had been the entire time. Please, DO NOT let him continue doing this to you. It is so painful, embarrassing and makes you feel awful about yourself. Do yourself a favor, cut all contact and move on. Don't be a pawn in his game anymore. Because that's all you are to him. And I'm sure he'll beg, plead, apologize and say he's sorry for hurting you: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. HE. IS. LYING. TO YOU. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I say, take that metaphorical cake and eat it your damn self. What a jerk. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You will move on eventually, graduate from college and in a few short years, look back on this with relief that you didn't stay with him any longer. --Rae

Barnabas, YES YES YES! Everything you have said here, along with the other posters is absolutely true. I have only been "in love" with two men I've dated, Tim and Joe, and both of those relationships ending were devastating for me, but I have learned more about myself, needs and how to stand on my own two feet and resolve my issues on my own as a result of such deep seated heartbreak and sadness. You are absolutely correct in that whatever we don't resolve, we carry over into other aspects of our lives until we do resolve them; and that circumstances such as these truly do reveal who people are, both the good and the bad parts. --Rae

Hi JCath, I am sorry you find yourself here too. I echo everything that KayC, Marty and Nettie have already said. Both of these statements perfectly sum up everything I would have told you because I've gained these insights from my personal experience with grief and the loss of romantic relationship as a result of it. I too was once the confused, lost griever (though we didn't break up. I just treated him very poorly and we almost broke up) and then 3 years later, the dumpee of a grieving person. I have learned some profound lessons from my hardships, but that doesn't make wading through them less difficult when they do occur. Take heed of the advice given here, and please do not hesitate to share your feelings. --Rae

Hi kphil, I am sorry you hurt so badly. It will hurt immensely for the first 3-6 months. This has happened to me twice now and both of these guys were my best friend too. When Joe and I broke up, I couldn't even get out of bed some days for the first few months and no matter what I did I was ALWAYS thinking/talking about him. When Tim and I broke up for the final time, I cried almost daily for 2 months. Until one day I just decided that I wasn't going to cry over him anymore. What Tim did was callous, unfair and nothing I could have said/done for him would've changed his mind. It is really, really hard to force yourself to let go, especially when you don't want to. You fight with yourself mentally and emotionally and fight the urge to reach out, knowing they'll either ignore your attempt leaving you feeling even worse or you'll just embarrass yourself and regret it after. While I understand you're trying your best to reconcile the situation, I'd suggest NOT trying to sympathize with his feelings and the break-up in "comparison" to your post-relationship feelings and emotional load. It's hard, I know. But its unfair to you and in a way undermines your feelings as if his somehow mean more than yours (even if you're doing so unintentionally). His father dying and any grief he feels from the break up is not your fault. Even though his father's death is neither of yours fault; his breaking up with you IS his fault. You need to get past the thought that you have any obligation to him or his feelings or that his matter more than yours. It's not fun to have to do because you love, and want whats best for them, but if hes going to leave and abandon you in such a lurch as he has, its quite clear he already is putting his needs ahead of yours, and you need to do the same and put your needs, healing and mental health ahead of his. You need to want whats best for yourself. But yes, YOU DO need to let him go for your own well being, NOT his. Change your perspective about this, please. He willingly walked away from you, and that's his loss, not yours. Yes, its fine to want him to be okay again and wish him well out of love for him, but (I don't mean this to be offensive or accusatory) it seems you're talking as if he means more to you than you mean to you, and that's not healthy. After Joe and I split, I realized I no longer knew who I was because I had spent all my time pining my happiness, time and future into him and our relationship that I no longer had an identity or a life without him, and that's part of the reason it was so hard for me to let go, because in losing him, I was also losing myself (even though I had lost 'me' long before then). You will find a way to let him go that is unique to you, a counselor perhaps could help you along the journey, because it is really hard. You shouldn't have to suffer so someone else can be happy, that isn't love. In a few years' time you will come to understand the lesson and silver lining in this experience, as hindsight will be 20/20, it always is. And who knows, by then you may only see him as an acquaintance or even just a stranger. I do have to say though, that feeling is liberating, at least it was for me. Being able to look Joe in the face some years later and say "No, this isn't what I want anymore." You will find a way to let him go, you just have to want to and so far it seems, you're doing everything you need to be in order to achieve that. "Walking away doesn't equate to letting them down. You walk away to spare yourself anymore hurt, and because its the right thing to do for them. Walking away is in itself an act of love." Ron, a user on this forum left this comment in a post on a woman named Miri's thread. I came across it now almost 3 years ago and its stuck with me since. --Rae

I understand your pain, fear, the heartbreak and the uncertainty, as many of us here do too. I personally would not recommend allowing him to contact you on his own free will, at least not for a few months to a year or until the pain has subsided. He made the choice to end the relationship, the consequence of that is he no longer has free access to you and you need to separate yourself from the feeling that you're obligated to appease him if he does contact you. It will only bring you back to square 1 in your healing, especially the first 6-12 months. I know what it feels like to have to force yourself to move forward, even when you don't want to and are holding out hope he'll change his mind. He made a conscious choice and that is his burden to bear, your relationship is a casualty of his decision. You cannot wait around and ask "why?" and look for closure thinking that you'll get it by keeping the option of contact open, all it will do is make you hold out hope that he will come back eventually. Please don't do that to yourself, its not fair to you and you don't deserve to be someone's "sometimes, when I feel like it when things are good and happy." He let go of you, and you need to understand that and change your perspective about that. He let go of the future, the love, the relationship, everything that you came with and could be in the future, he let go of willingly. Yes, he said he loved you and (probably) does still love you, but he still broke up with you. He may be doing it out of love, or that he truly believes you two can't be together because of what happened, unless he tells you directly (as it seems, he isn't going to) why he ended things, you are going to spend weeks wondering "what if," and that isn't fair to you, don't do that to yourself. Focus on yourself, your needs and consider going to therapy just to get some perspective and aid you in moving forward. It is going to hurt, it's confusing, sad, you are going to feel alone for a while, you are going to miss him and you are going to cry for a while, but that is what breaking up is. My ex-fiance Joe and I were together for 7 years, it took me over a year to fully move on from him and be okay with even trying to date again. Going back to him, waiting on him and hoping he contacts you eventually won't fix the heartbreak he caused, it will only prolong it and stop you from moving forward. Your only job now is to deal with the heartbreak and work to rectify yourself and move forward with your life. Even if he does come back in the distant future, you can't spend your time between now and then hoping he will. And, IF he does return don't just blindly give yourself back to him, you'll need to do some assessing as to the risk you'd be taking in resuming your relationship considering he's already left you once. You will eventually get to a point where you have reconciled with yourself and put to rest the notion that you need him to survive, to be/find love or to ever be happy, but you need to do the work, face the heartbreak and the grief that comes with it. Joe and I broke up 5 years ago now and he has since tried to reconcile our relationship twice and attempted to get back together, I said no because it's not what I want anymore. We grew up and as such, began to want different things and went in different directions, I didn't see it at the time, but I do now. I used to wish that more than anything in the world Joe and I would be together again, he was my best friend; but in the years since I have experienced love, hobbies, career goals, happiness and friendships that make me grateful he ended our relationship. I will always have love for Joe and care for his well being and happiness, but these days, it's only as an acquaintance/friend. I harbor no ill will toward Tim either and I no longer love him, but for my own sake, will not be open to a friendship or contact any time soon, not because I think he is a bad person, simply because he leeched my soul of happiness for a short while, and I realized that I don't want emotional tourists or energy leeches in my life. Things will get better in time, but you do need to put in the work. --Rae

It's a good sign you both recognized the awkwardness of the situation and it became clear that you truly need to sever contact to be broken up. He needs time and space away so he can truly understand the gravity and consequences of his decision to end the relationship, and you need it so you can work to regain your clarity and learn to be without him. It is a great thing that he is seeing a professional and recognized that he needed one. Baby steps are a good thing, but again be wary of this as you could be (even if unintentionally) allowing him to still string you along, and he could be doing the same because it's comforting to the both of you to maintain contact to some degree. Try it once, sure, but if you find this cycle repeating itself, stop, and explain to him that you need to be without contact for good or an extended period of time so you both have room to hash out your feelings and move on. You guys cannot have your cake and eat it too, that isn't fair. While I do understand it is really hard to sever all contact from someone you love, remember that breaking up is uncomfortable because the comfort of the relationship is gone. Being uncomfortable is how you grow and learn to move on from your past and things that pain you. Remember, he broke up with you and he needs to understand the consequences of that. Comfort to a degree is a good thing, but being open to discomfort, growth and adversity is too. You are a whole person, with or without him, as is he. If continuing contact with him leaves you feeling confused, upset, awkward or like you are being guilted into maintaining a "friendship" to spare him or yourself the painful reality of breaking up and moving on, the contact needs to end, at least for a while until you both get right with yourselves again. While I do not regret resuming contact with Tim after he ghosted me the first time, I DO regret allowing him to keep me hanging on, confused and reeling me back in with his words and excuses with the hope of a relationship that was never going to be again. It was almost like he knew what he was doing, but for the sake of sparing his own feelings and refusal to face his reality, kept me around because I was familiar, he wasn't ready to move on just yet (and neither was I), he was chasing that "honeymoon phase" feeling, and it was comforting to him during his time of need to have company in his suffering. Don't let yourself fall into that trap, it's easier than you think; love can make a fool of even the most intelligent people. "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable." --Rae

Hi Kphil, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. But thank you for sharing your story and seeking advice here. I wasn't much older than you when my boyfriend of 14 months broke up with me after his father died suddenly. He did something very similar as yours is, in expecting you to still be his "friend," so he can pick you back up when he feels up to it. Do not do this to yourself, and do not allow him to string you along with endearing words and false hope. The fact of the matter is, he broke up with you. And in his breaking up, he released you of any further obligation to him or his needs. I echo everything that KayC has said, focus on YOU and YOUR needs going forward. I know it is hard and that you are hurting, confused and lost, as is he. But please, do not allow him to pull you into the hole he is falling into with him. Misery loves company, and so does confusion. It is wrong of him and unfair to you to expect you wait around for him to come back after he's ended the relationship. The truth is, there's no guarantee he will come back because he left you. And, even if he does come back, it could be months, even years. Don't wait around for him because he may come to resent you, think you are pressuring him and/or move on himself while you're still waiting for him. Aside from that, as KayC said, it is a major red flag that he randomly dumped you because he doesn't know how to handle life's happenings. My ex did the same. And over the course of 6 months, he went back and forth, ghosted me twice, once after he told me loved me and didnt want to break up, and the second after we tried to work things out, strung me along in his confusion and treated me like I didn't matter because he was hurting. I made the mistake of failing to assess what he had done and forgave his terrible behavior and disregard for my feelings because I loved him and truly believed his words. But when all was said and done, I was left heartbroken twice with nothing but his words. This was 2.5 years ago and we haven't spoken since. I've learned many harsh lessons from that experience, but I've forged meaning from them. It was so hard for me to accept that his "I love you"s and words meant nothing, they were just words, afterall. He failed to show up, treated me like garbage, expected me to wait around (and I did because he said to me the same things your ex has to you) and blamed his grief for his poor behavior, when truthfully his grief only revealed who he truly was. If you feel you can handle the dinner, go to it. If you don't feel up to it, don't go. You need to do what's best for yourself, and as I said, he broke up with you, meaning that you have no further obligation to oblige his requests or continue any sort of relationship or contact. As KayC said, you cannot be friends with someone when one wants more than friendship, it's disingenuous and will cause you more harm than good. It seems like he wants you to stay friends so he has access to you when he wants it, but that doesn't mean he will ever get back together with you. While I could be wrong, I am only speaking from personal experience and that of those I've seen this happen to. Once a relationship is severed, neither party has any obligation to the other, and it's wrong to expect otherwise. I mean no disrespect to you or him, just speaking objectively and from personal experience and that of others, especially in these unfortunate circumstances. --Rae

"Thank you Rae for your words, guess you are definitely right. I'm really sad to read about your story, I know the feeling on "walking on egg-shells" and it sure is a couple destroyer as far as i'm concerned. I can see that he was really confused, and although his pain must have been unbearable i think that people should recognize when their special ones are giving all their best for the sake of love and compassion. Unfortunately, this almost never happens in these kind of situations. As we all know even too well." Hi Lothar, You are correct in that people should be able to recognize when others are trying to give their best and be a supportive partner, but unfortunately, many people in this situation abandon all reason in favor of emotional responses and selfishness because they cannot think straight and don't know what to do. It is an unfortunate circumstance to be in, but as I said before, it is a character flaw in my eyes if a person cannot treat people with common decency and respect, even when they are hurting. I would say if you feel it is right, to simply send a card expressing your condolences or even just a text message. If she doesn't reply, that's okay. Don't speak of your feelings, friendship or relationship with her. Just send her a simple, straight-forward text or card saying "Sorry for you loss, please accept my condolences, I hope you are well." Or something like that and move on. Even if she does respond to your text/card, don't confuse it as an invitation to resume your friendship and continue contacting her. She made her decision to cut you out of her life, but that doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. When I found out my exes father passed (he didn't tell me, his brother did), I wrote a letter and left a box of his favorite cookies on his doorstep. He thanked for them, told me he loved me and then disappeared and I took it quite personally because I felt like he rejected me and was angry with me for no reason. Don't let her make you feel that way, even if she does respond to you. Simply say your condolences and accept that she made her decision, but its okay for you to express your condolences and then move forward with your life and leave her in the past, I don't see why there is any harm in that. If that is what you need to gain closure and peace for yourself so you can move forward, do it. Give yourself the closure that she refuses to. Also, don't let this experience make you bitter, cynical or feel like you weren't/aren't good enough or deserving of love, because you are. Side note: You write and understand English very well. --Rae

Hi Lothar, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation as well. Please do not be sorry for expressing yourself here, that is what the forum is for. We've all been in or are in a similar situation and came here for support too, we all need it sometimes, especially a neutral perspective from someone who understands our pain. As KayC said, understand it is not you, its her. While it may feel like you've done something wrong to make her act as she has, you have not. You only had loving and genuine intentions in your contact and pursuit of her, and she confused that as pressure and lashed out at you. It happened to me too and I felt the exact same way as you. Like I had pushed him away by trying to be there for him, even though I was only trying to be a supportive girlfriend. We were together for 14 months before his father died, he went silent on me for a week after without notice and then said he didn't want to break up, and then went no contact for 3 months. When he attempted to resume our relationship he was still deeply confused, unavailable and emotionally unfit to be in a relationship. Even though he said otherwise and tried to act as though things were normal, I had to constantly "walk on eggshells" and be careful in my words as he was easily angered and irritable. He swore it was just a phase, but it was not. This went on for three more months after he resumed contact. He told me he loved me the day he stopped talking to me and then without warning, reason, or explanation of why stopped returning my calls/texts, this was 2.5 years ago and I haven't spoken to him since. I had to walk away, he left me with no choice after that because it became clear to me that HE was confused and HE didn't know what he wanted, he just didn't want to be alone and was stringing me along. It was a game I was never going to win, even though I, like you, desperately hoped for a different outcome. I did nothing wrong, and neither have you. These are situations we can't control and nothing we could do/say would change the outcome of them. It is a harsh truth to accept, but that's just the way things are. The first few months are the hardest, but again, do as KayC suggested and focus on yourself, pick up new hobbies and focus on your future. Do not wait around for her to come back to you, because the truth is, she may not. Try not to focus on the "what ifs," I did that and it kept me holding onto him in a state of confusion, false hopes of a future that was never going to come, and a relationship that was past the point of being fixed. It is really hard, and this is an experience that you will remember, but that you will also learn from. I had to face some harsh truths after this breakup, but looking back it's all a lesson now. This could also be a glimpse into how she deals with problems had you been in a relationship with her. Remember that this is her true colors showing. If how she deals with issues is silence, lashing out and misplaced anger, it is a glaring red flag and a character flaw that has nothing to do with you. Even though you acted just as a supportive friend (as you and I both did in our situations), she still tried to misplace her emotional burdens unto you, and try to make you feel in some way responsible for her feelings simply because she knew you cared for her. And that is not fair to you. Please don't hesitate to share your feelings here, you are not bothering or burdening anyone by expressing them. --Rae

Hi PB, I'd tread carefully here. It sounds like he's trying to soften the blow by maintaining a form of "friendship." He probably feels a mixture of guilt, loneliness, boredom, confusion and fear considering after he broke up with you, you just let things be. He got the hint that you weren't gonna come running back and beg for him to stay so he reached out to tug on one of your heart strings just to see if he could still have you if he needed you, and that is nothing more than him trying to soothe his own ego and absolve himself of any guilt he feels for dumping you. Be careful with this as it seems like he just "pulled away" but is now toying with the idea of keeping you around, but its not because he misses you, its because he doesn't want to be alone in his confusion and loneliness. Remember: Misery loves company and so does confusion. You even said after talking to him, he left you in a state of confusion. If his intent were to get back together with you, he'd have said or done so immediately. He is an adult, and if he cannot come out and say that, that's his problem, not yours. Until he actually pulls the trigger and initiates the conversation of "I messed up, I miss you, lets work on this and see if we can salvage our relationship" or something to that effect, do not confuse this contact as him wanting to resume your relationship. You guys were in the routine of regular contact for 2 years, he's probably having a problem adjusting to not talking to you on a daily basis, but that means nothing until he proves he actually wants to get back together, and he may never do that. It is not fair to you that he is leaving you in a state of limbo and emotional confusion every time he contacts you. That is a game you don't want to find yourself playing. My ex did that with me and nothing I could've done/said would have made the game end any differently. It was a game I was never going to win, and he knew that. Maybe I am overthinking it, and if that's the case, so be it. But it happened to KayC and multiple others here too. Tread carefully and don't carelessly give yourself back to him, even if he does ask. If he truly does want to get back together, he needs to say that and then work to prove it. --Rae

It's not weird at all. Natural when you love someone, we've all been there. Then just give it time and let him come back to you. And its a great thing that you're aware you're not going to wait around for him and during the relationship you still maintained yourself. Seems like you're in a great head space, just let things be and let him come to you. I have changed the way I date since my ex and I ended 2.5 years ago. I also gained a lot of perspective and see it as a lesson now and learned from it. So it's great that you still have things/people you can lean on, many people don't and I've watched some friends abandon everything in their lives for a relationship and when it ended they had nothing and no one to turn to for help, and I vehemently advise against that. But be aware that it could be months, and sometimes years before he comes back, if he does at all. I'm glad you understand that and aren't gonna wait.

Hi PB, I am so sorry you're going through this too. It sounds like so many of the stories you will read on here, and I recommend that you do read them as they may help you gain insight about why this happens. This sounds very similar to my situation as well, only, his dad died suddenly and he acted in a almost a carbon copy way as nettieboop, KayC and many others here. It sounds like a classic grief response. Just be aware IT IS NOT YOU, IT'S HIM. The grief is clouding his judgement, and he may be lost, confused, angry, etc and believe that what he is doing is good for the both of you, even if you disagree. My best advice: DO NOT reach out to him. Even though it is from a place of well-meaning and love, he may not see it that way and misconstrue your attempt to contact him as pressure and that may make him withdraw from you further. The only exception to this is you mentioned the two of you were basically living together? If that is the case and you need to retrieve things from his house, or return his stuff to him, keep the conversation about that, do not talk of your relationship or feelings, as again it may cause him to withdraw or become resentful and make him feel you're attempting to change his mind about his decision. Otherwise, If he wanted to contact you, he would. He knows where to find you, let him come to you if he chooses, but do not wait for him. It is best to focus on putting your life back together and focusing on yourself: go back to your hobbies, join a gym, go see your family/friends etc. As far as his words, I understand that you love him and that you want to believe what he said to be true, and it probably was/is, but as it stands, they were just words and he ended the relationship. You have to take that at face value. My ex said similar things through the duration of our 20 months together, even after his father passed, and he still abruptly ended our relationship a second time via ghosting with no explanation. That same day, just hours earlier he told me he loved me and that he'd see me that night after work for dinner, he never showed and I haven't heard from him since. I had no choice but to walk away after that because what he was doing to my self-worth and confidence was killing my soul. I understand that he is hurting, but that does not excuse him treating you as though your feelings don't matter/aren't valid, because they certainly are valid and you have every right to be hurt and confused by what he did. "He told me that on paper he should marry me..." That, in my eyes means something different than what he probably intended it to be. "On paper" is not the same as real life. On paper my ex was charming, had a good job, was ambitious, had a car and a small, modest apartment. So for a 24 year old, he was doing well. In real life however, he was working for a family member who owned the business and gave him a job for free, he had spent the majority of his adult life living with her as well until just before I met him, and was given that car for free by his mother. He also had never been in a relationship longer than a few months, was emotionally stunted and unavailable, was not ambitious and gave up easily, did not know how to communicate properly and had other serious issues he never dealt with until his father's passing forced him to confront them, (none of which I knew until after he ghosted me the first time, and then I found out more after the second time). So while "on paper" someone/something is perfect, it is best to focus on the reality of that person/thing. And even after all that, I still loved him and wanted to forgive him, but knew I couldn't anymore because he'd just do it again. It was really, REALLY hard for me to accept that the person I thought he was, the person I loved, did not exist. Who I fell in love with was merely a representative of him, not his true self. Please, try your best not to reach out to him until he does first.You need to take what he said at face value and leave it as is. I understand it is hard, you're confused, upset and you have every right to be, what he did is not fair to you, but please do not take it personally. --Rae

I am glad you guys have chosen to reconcile. However, I agree with KayC, what he's doing is emotionally abusive and it is not good for either of you. Might I suggest you consider asking him to go to grief therapy, and you attend some therapy sessions yourself. Not because I am being judgmental, but so you both can get a neutral perspective, have someone to talk to, and gain some clarity for yourselves, and as a couple. If you're still wondering whether or not you will be "solid" again, that is a sign that he is emotionally wavering, confused and no good comes from that. If it goes unchecked, as KayC said, it will only escalate. Misery loves company, so does confusion. Take it from a person who was in the exact same position you are now. It was also Tim's idea to get back together after he too apologized, told me his reasons for why he did what he did, and I forgave him because I loved him, empathized and know what it feels like to be lost in the thick of grief. I stuck it out because as you stated, I saw days where he was smiling, happy and loving just as he was before his dad died, and days where he wanted to be alone, he was angry, depressed, confused etc and would take it out on me too, and I found it extremely hard to stick by him for that 6 months. But I did because I loved him, that's what you do for your partner, and saw hope and some semblance of normality on his "good" days. But, I too had that feeling and thought in my head that things were still off and wondered if we were ever going to get back on track. I knew our relationship would not go back to being the same as it was, but how he acted had an effect on my self-confidence, self esteem and emotional health because there were many days I felt I had to walk on eggshells with him and was confused because he wasn't too forthcoming with his needs, even though I expected him to at least voice them, and mostly, he did. But even when I knew and was sympathetic and tried my best to give him what he asked for, he would still burst out in anger or give me the cold shoulder/silent treatment. I understand that you want what's best for him, and your relationship. He was being selfish in pushing you away/dumping you to care for himself during his initial wave and shock of grief, and I understand that you love him and can forgive him for that. It is okay to put your needs on the back burner temporarily, take a break from the relationship and to reassess things as they are, but it can't be this way forever. It is unfair of him to expect that of you, and unhealthy for you to do that to yourself. You cannot be in this state of uncertainty forever. If he made the choice to resume the relationship, he should be willing to address your needs/feelings as well as his in order to move forward. But, you need to remember to take care of yourself, too. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

You're welcome! I actually didn't realize my dad was EU until I went to therapy after my grandfather and best friend died 7 years ago when I was 19. Connecting all those dots from my childhood/upbringing, my parents' weirdly volatile marriage and then my moms second marriage to an abusive alcoholic made sense because I was an emotional mess and had spent years just ignoring myself, my feelings and traumas and as a result I was a miserable, sad and deeply confused person. I just didn't realized how messed up I really was (nor did I want to confront it) until I absolutely had to after my best friend John committed suicide in 2011. And after my LTR and engagement ended I had no self esteem and was just careless, young and naive to adulthood, dating and life in general so I entertained men who were the same because I thought it was normal. Meeting Tim made me think that I was finally matured and was ready for life because in all honesty, had you told me Tim was EU during our relationship, I would've laughed at you because he seemed the opposite throughout the 14 months prior to his dads death. But I guess part of that was just because I didn't know what an EU person actually was and I thought it'd be more obvious like my dad's issues were. I also loved him deeply and love can make a fool out of even the most intelligent of people. I was just about 23 when Tim and I began dating so I was still a bit naive to the mind games people play and again because I wasn't EU I figured that people had the same genuine intentions as I did (I was Naive as they come LOL). But it's all a lesson now. I believe that Tim had/has no idea he was/is deeply EU, and that he had genuine intentions with our relationship but he was/is severely lacking emotional intelligence and was never taught how to deal with his emotions and just buried his trauma instead (toxic masculinity I feel plays a major part in a lot of guys's lack of emotional intelligence). Though I am not excusing Tim's behavior in any way, no one deserves to be put through the crap our exes have done, grief aside. It shows glaring character flaws when you are unable to discern how to treat people properly based on your inability to deal with your feelings. That's not the same as a quirk, that is a genuine character flaw and a huge red flag. Your ex is seems is aware of his EU tendencies and that he is just blatantly using the "this is just how I am" card to excuse himself from wrong doing because he refuses to acknowledge his crappy behavior. He definitely took advantage of your need for comfort and a shoulder to cry on due to your grief, providing it to you gave him an ego boost and a sense of good feelings, I think. But when it was his turn to express the same feelings that you had for him and put into action the words he had said about "being around forever," he took off because to him they're just words and a means to get the satisfaction he sought because you believed what he said. I don't mean to overstep but, I hope in your course of therapy, you examine why you are attracted to/entertain EU types and take a look at how your upbringing and past relationships have played a role in that. I returned to therapy for a few sessions after Tim and I split up because I saw myself going down that same path of sorrow and deep confusion because I had actually begun to feel bad about myself for expecting him to have treated me better, almost as if I was questioning whether or not I deserved to be treated better. I haven't dated since because I realized that I wasn't living the life I wanted and I wasn't living for myself; I was living for relationships and my friends and was just droning through the days, I didn't truly know who I was (I had an idea, but no real concrete knowledge of myself), and I was chasing what I believed was happiness instead of pursuing my passions, hobbies, my career and letting happiness find me. You know that saying: "If you have to chase something, it isn't meant to be yours." I believe that same sentiment applies to happiness. Chasing things gets exhausting quickly Also, I heard a new saying that I LOVE. "You are not what you attract, you are what you entertain." I think that is spot on, especially when it comes to dating. Yes, you will attract an eclectic mix of weirdos, but if you don't give them your time, it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you unless you actively pursue/entertain them. When I was young I didn't know better, but thought that I didn't need to change, grow or look at things from a different POV, until I repeatedly found myself in nothing but misery, loneliness, crappy friends/relationships and with too many bad habits. Misery loves company. And, until you do the necessary work on yourself that allows you to grow continuously, learn from your mistakes and hardships, and accept who you are; it seems that you will only find yourself in the same situation with different faces. https://youtu.be/RiM5a-vaNkg This is another TED talk by Andrew Solomon, one of the people who inspire me to do better. He talks about forging meaning and building ourselves a new identity out of our hardships we face. That is what I have done thus far, and will continue to do with my life I droned on again, sorry haha. But I am grateful I learned these things while I still had the time to apply them to my life fully and live how I want. It's never too late to start over. --Rae

This is a TED talk I stumbled upon a few months after Tim and I separated for good. It is about the problems that exist with dating when we try to "escape ourselves" via relationships. And I feel it relates greatly to both of our situations. https://youtu.be/jmUayKnHWWM --Rae

@xmcll Hi, I am so sorry for you! I hope you are doing better, you seem to be present and aware of your feelings and that is awesome for you. I can tell you from experience that yeah, that guy was definitely emotionally unavailable (EU) and was only looking for a surface level, generic time-filler disguised as a relationship. I hate to be so brash with my words but that is the truth. You deserve far better than this and I am glad you are making the necessary moves to rid yourself of all his negativity and do better going forward. My ex Tim was/is emotionally unavailable. And like you, I didn't realize it until after our relationship was over, twice. If you had delved deeper or spoken with people who knew your ex, you'd have probably found a string of fragmented, short and purely surface level romantic relationships and strained familial ones, most likely stemming from childhood trauma/abuse/abandonment/neglect and/or one or two romantic relationships where he was left by the woman and deeply wounded but refused to allow himself to heal. You are correct in that he is probably using relationships as a crutch, even though non-EU people are guilty of this too, it is a telling sign of those who are EU. Though, they are certainly capable of love and being in love, it manifests itself in strange ways and it is not necessarily healthy for either person long-term. Regardless of what caused his issues, they are his. And it is wrong of him to reel you in, then throw you back and play mind games with you because HE won't acknowledge his poor behavior and obviously severe, deep seated traumas/feelings. He will do the same thing to the girl hes now seeing, its only a matter of time. People are "void fillers, toys, caretakers etc" to EU types. People like our exes are great at appearing charming, caring, affectionate, loving and to be what seems like everything you could ever want in a partner. The problem is this: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. And that is exactly what Emotionally Unavailable people are and what they do. It's learned behavior and a coping mechanism. Be glad you dodged this bullet. As much as I loved and cared for Tim and it seemed as though he did love me too, his issues ran far deeper than anything I could've imagined and the fact that he refused to confront his past until his dads death inevitably brought to light many family secrets and feelings he didn't want to confront; which then led to his disappearance, ghosting, emotional wavering and mind games at my expense. However, I had come to find via his siblings that he had a string of failed short term relationships since he was a teenager and with nearly every one, he just ghosted them or ran away when things got hard, serious, feelings were developed and/or when he didn't understand something that related to his romantic relationship. I also was made aware that his father was an abusive alcoholic and his mother was herself emotionally abusive. Tim never told me about any of this, nor did he tell me how or why his past relationships ended in any detail. He also never gave me closure, twice, I had to create it for myself because I wasn't given a choice. And I had to come to terms with the fact that even if his father hadn't passed, our relationship was still doomed because of this pattern of behavior, I just wouldn't have known it yet. At the time I was devastated because of his blindsiding me with silence, confusion and undeserved contempt and mind games. But looking back, I too realized that I also dodged a bullet. On top of that, over the years after finding out the truth behind my parents' intense hatred toward one another did I begin to understand why my mother resented my father so much, for he too was emotionally unavailable due to his traumatic childhood and refused to acknowledge it or seek professional help. And he led my mother down a 16 year spiral of infidelity, random disappearances at all hours of the day, refusal to finish anything he started, selfishness that knew no bounds, emotional distance/punishment when confrontation struck, and a need to constantly have/buy "new, better" stuff. My father is now on his 3rd divorce since divorcing my mother 18 years ago, and has been engaged 3 other times. So again, as you said your ex-guy probably does, my father also uses relationships as a crutch. However, this is not to say that Emotional unavailability is a bad thing or that one who is EU cannot change and adopt healthier means of dealing with their feelings. In cases like ours however, this is being EU to an extreme and knowingly/carelessly causing harm to others because of it. It is natural to be a degree of EU after a traumatic experience like a break-up or death, but where the problem lies is when they refuse to confront those feelings and rectify themselves, which then sends them down the "EU spiral" as I call it. Its all too easy for those who are not EU to get sucked into their game because its what they feed on, as being chronically EU is about satisfying the needs of ones pride and ego to feel good about themselves through casual relationships, friendships and various encounters to ease their own insecurities that they have buried inside as a result of their traumas. As a result of my experience with Tim, I have not been in a relationship in over 2 years, and I guess you could say I am slightly EU myself right now, but only for the purposes of protecting my interests/feelings and my active choice not to pursue dating or relationships in favor of traveling, other hobbies and my career, because I recognized that I still had a lot of self work that needed to be done after what had happened and that dating again would've just done more harm than good. Sorry I droned on a bit, but again I am glad you have recognized the signs and are doing what is necessary to rectify the damage he has done to you as well as your grief from losing your mother. Take his behavior as a lesson and in time you will see the silver lining within his poor treatment of you. You deserve far better than him, even if it means giving better to yourself. Focus on healing yourself and doing better for yourself moving forward so you can live your best life.

@Marianne I am so sorry for you! How awful. Who plans a breakup like that? He 'planned' to break up with you, told you of his plans and then had the audacity to call YOU crazy for simply reacting to him "pre-maturely breaking up with you before May." Okay, WHAT?! You dodged a bullet. I am so sorry your heart hurts and that you have the task of moving forward after such a callous, heartless happening. He was going to break up with you regardless, so as you and KayC said, I too think he was just using your reaction as an excuse by inflating it in his own head to validate his reasoning to break up. Anyone who is being broken up with is going to react in some way. So his calling you crazy is nothing short of childish. How rude. It may be his grief talking, but that does not excuse his behavior toward you whatsoever. But, consider his "plan" to throw you away a silver lining in that you realized who he was and how he reacts to bad happenings before you got too deep in and any further along. Grief has a funny way of exposing people's true colors/selves. When someone shows you who they truly are, don't just believe them, act accordingly and show them the door. It will hurt for a while, the first few months will be the hardest. You will get through this and come out on the other side, whether or not you choose to reconnect in the future if it ever becomes an option is your choice alone, however, do re-evaluate how he ended things and how he treated you this time around. I made that mistake in my last relationship of forgiving behavior I shouldn't have and ended up experiencing the same heartbreak twice in a matter of months.

You are welcome, HardLove. I would quote KayC but she pretty much summed up everything I would say in response to those exact quotes. It really, REALLY sucks having to walk away from something that you've invested so much time in, especially when in all three of our cases, our significant others were giving us "breadcrumbs" and pieces of themselves as they wavered in and out through their grief. I do hope it can be salvaged for you and that she does come around eventually, but again, do not wait for it. As you said, just go your own way and if she comes back and is ready to re-commit, then you can move forward together, but until then it is best you preserve the relationship as is and move forward. As KayC said, "as a couple you weather these things together." And that couldn't be more true from my situation with Joe. However, ended up being the opposite with Tim, even though I did what I could, as you have too.

Hi HardLove, I am so sorry this has happened to you too. But as KayC and Marty stated, it seems there is definitely a pattern in the way our ex-significant others have reacted to these tragedies and it may be a telling sign of how they react to things in the future as well. When I was 19 I lost my grandfather to cancer, and 9 months after my best friend John committed suicide. At the time I was in a Long-Term 5 year relationship with my then fiance and we were living together. I reacted in a very similar way as your ex has, though I did not actually break up with him, I essentially abandoned our relationship, dropped out of school for the semester, quit going to work and stopped caring about most things because I couldn't understand why I felt as I did and I was quite angry (and had been for years due to other underlying personal issues). About 4 months after John died, I experienced a sort of mental break and at that point Joe told me that we could no longer be together if I refused to seek professional help because it was not good for either of us and I was treating him terribly. Joe was in a very similar situation as you are in that he explained to me after I began to seek therapy that the only reason he didn't leave me immediately was because he saw glimpses of who he knew that I was and hoped that with time I would return. And I did return, kind of, because I had learned that grief does not truly ever leave us, we just learn to live with it and reform our lives with this new, different piece of us. Kind of like a puzzle piece, we just find a place to fit it in with time. We did eventually part ways a little over 2 years later because our lives had taken different courses and we did not want the same things anymore. Your situation is unique in that she is still communicating with you, but as KayC said it may be because she is keeping you dangling and giving you false hope as to a relationship that will never be. You also stated that she is afraid you will move one, that may be one of her motivations for still keeping in contact as well. Not assuming malicious intent on her part, but I have noticed that people try and keep those they've left and/or pushed away around for "support" and/or to stop them (the dumpee) from moving forward because they (the dumper in this case) don't want to be left behind. My most recent ex Tim did the same to me. We dated for 14 months before his dad died suddenly. At first, he disappeared without a trace and didn't even tell me his dad passed. A week later, he said he didn't want to break up, but that he just needed time and space for himself. He did not break up with me but then disappeared at random for 3 months without contact. I had concluded my relationship had just ended because he never said otherwise and began to do my best to move on. He then reappeared after those months and wanted to reconcile, I reluctantly agreed because I still loved him, though I was extremely confused and made my concerns/feelings known to him. When I asked why he did this he said it was because he had grown extremely agitated, angry and was lashing out at his family/friends, but that he didn't want to do it to me because I hadn't done anything wrong (neither did they, but they have a different meaning in his life and knew they wouldn't take it personally). I asked why he didn't just tell me that, he said it was because he was embarrassed of how he felt, wasn't sure I would stay with him, and that he was too overwhelmed to put any effort into us, so he just "shelved" us. While I was happy he was honest, I was upset that he felt he couldn't just say that to me. I did take it personally at first because he didn't say anything, he just disappeared. Our relationship was not the same as I didn't expect it to be, but we agreed to work on things and continue and he communicated his needs to me more openly. 3 more months went by and things were fine, until one day I stopped hearing from him again. We were to meet for dinner after work and he never showed. Just that previous evening he had told me how much he loved me, and what I meant to him. That very day we kissed/told each other we loved one another before departing to work and had texted throughout the day. I did not hear from him again for another month when I asked for my things back. By then I had made the painful choice to force myself to walk away because I knew that all the things I had read here that KayC and Marty had said were true and that his "I love you's" meant nothing and that he was confused, unwilling to communicate and didn't know what he wanted and was just playing with my feelings to stop me from moving forward with my life because his was stalled. He attempted to tell me how sorry he was again, and reluctantly agreed to give me my things back, though he never actually did. Tim never once said he didn't love me, care for me, respect or value me. However his patterns of behavior, not just his actions told a different story. Now, this may not be exact the case for you, but it has similarities and her pattern of behavior again shows that she may react this way to something again in the future. What I think KayC is saying to you is that she is essentially trying to save you from what happened to both her and I along with many others here.: From falling down into the grief hole/fog with her and waiting for something that may not come. I am glad that you agree and have recognized that she may be setting you up for failure because she is being ambiguous with her words, passing burdens unto you that are not yours, and confusing you in the same way that she currently is with the promise of a reconciliation that may never happen. It is best that you make the choice to regain your control and go no contact with her and do what you can to move on. As KayC said, being in limbo is absolute torture, and it is extremely unfair to you to be left waiting idly on nothing but potentially empty promises. It is painful, I know but it will save you in the long run whether or not she does return. Both times Tim went NC I cried and was upset for weeks, and especially the last time, I knew I couldn't let him do this anymore because it was damaging me and ruining any and all love/respect I still had for him. I was 24 when this happened, I am 26 now and I still haven't heard from him (nor do I still want/hope to). I am not trying to compare your situation to mine, just pointing out the similarities between things that were said/done and the potential results.

Hi Halle, I am sorry this has happened to you too, but as KayC said it is common. Again, it is nothing you did to make him act this way and even though you mentioned his siblings didn't eave their spouses, that is because they reacted differently than he has. When my ex ghosted me twice after his father passed, none of his 4 siblings left their partners either, it was only him. It is just how he, even unknowingly reacted to tragedy. It is not age, gender, relationship length or situation specific, it just happens. However as it seems, there are always commonalities among our stories. There are red flags, secrets and behavior we have missed or overlook and misconstrued as something else (though it is not our fault necessarily as we all have flaws and it is only human to see the best in someone we love and easy to explain away their behavior, even when its less than appropriate). I echo everything that KayC has already said, be patient with yourself as you move forward and understand that it is okay and normal to cry and be upset. My ex too did not know what he wanted after his dad passed, which made me wonder if he ever truly was the person he led me to believe he was and the person I fell in love with when I began to find out from his siblings about their abusive parents and his habit of ghosting women and avoiding any sort of proper communication/confrontation and his apparent deep seated struggles with emotional availability and health. Mind you, these were things I would've laughed over had I been told he acted as such prior to his dad's death as he seemed to be the opposite of a person who'd act in such a way. My ex and I dated for 14 months before his dad's death and then took an unannounced "break" when he failed to even tell me his father passed, he just disappeared and I had to track him down and force him to tell me what happened. He then said he didn't want to break up, but at random went no contact for 3 months before attempting to reconcile, where we then lasted another 3 months or so before he ghosted me again and I had to force myself to walk away. That was a very hard 6 months for me, even after he came back because I was always fearing he'd do it again....and he did. I was left heartbroken, confused and devastated not once, but twice by the same person who said he'd never do anything to compromise us. We had an amazing connection, chemistry and love, but even that couldn't save us from the problems he refused to confront about his own life and feelings. I cried for months afterward, as KayC did and many others here have too. All I can say is, do not wait for him to come back, because the truth is he may not. Do not make it known to him that you are waiting, pining or hoping he will return to you as that may have the opposite effect you desire. I was 24 when my now ex dumped me and I am 26, almost 27 now. I have not heard from him since the day I asked for my stuff back at the beginning of 2016. Take the time to grieve and give yourself the space to remove your memories at your own pace if you cannot do it all right now. Forge meaning, learn from this experience and once you are a year or so removed from this situation you will come to see it as a lesson for yourself and way to form a new identity and rebuild a stronger heart for yourself. When someone shows you who they truly are, don't just believe them, act accordingly and show them the door. Also, Please ask yourself: Why would you want to be with someone who so willingly and easily throws you away when life gets hard? You deserve better than that. You will come out of this in the end a better person. Don't focus on getting over him, just focus on being a better you for the future.

That's definitely a great start to healing. When my most recent ex Tim and I broke up, I did the same for weeks afterward the second time Tim had randomly left me after attempting to reconcile, because I knew at that point I had to walk away. I'd come home after work and just cry because I was devastated, confused and heartbroken. It is a great idea for you to go No Contact and take a Facebook hiatus. I did the same when he ghosted me the last time, I removed him from my FB, our photos and my phone, and put anything of his I had into a box in my closet as to avoid constant reminders of him that would make me angry, sad or prompt me to contact him. If you don't feel you're up to removing all that so suddenly, wait until you are and then do so gradually. A job will surely assist you in keeping busy, and even introduce you to some new people that you could form friendships with, so that's a great idea. I'm sure your campus has counseling services for students, so it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone there just so you don't feel so alone all the time. A quote I read in a thread on here by a girl named Miri was posted in a reply by a user named Ron, it said: "You said you love him unconditionally. Walking away does not equate to letting him down. You walk away not only to spare yourself anymore hurt, but because it's the right thing to do for him. Walking away is in itself an act of love." That quote stuck with me immensely and has helped me realize that in situations like ours, the only way to show your love for them and for you is to walk away. And it helped me stop the intense feelings of guilt I had after forcing myself to walk away and realize I needed to act in my best interests because not only had he willingly abandon me, I had allowed him to abandon me twice, made excuses for his bad treatment of me, and hurt me so deeply that I felt guilty for expecting him to treat me better, and was going down an unhealthy path. Allow yourself to feel the range of emotions that you are, but do not get stuck in that spiral of thinking. You deserve better than that, Even if it means giving it to yourself.