Tachi

Ann, first of all *hugs*...Hug your husband for me too. You two hold tight to each other. I had lost people close to me before but friday Mom passed unexpectedly. I held her hand. I have never been so devastated in my life. I have to take care of dad now and yes I have all the same fears. It's not your fault, some things like this in life we may not ever understand. We as humans want to understand life to apoint so we feel security. Right now i am just numb and lost. If you feel like you're living in a daze and wondering why you're the one who is left out, i can understand. Eventually the two of you should work towards a better place, Ive read that it never goes away but it heals some and you learn to deal with it. I feel like on a conscious level I understand, mom is gone. But deep inside it makes no sense and I refuse to accept it. I think im doing ok and then something just makes me cry. What Kayc said, she makes alot of sense. There are no guarantees in life, none. Its not that youre being punished or life has it in for you. I know we all want to make sense of things and that gives us a little security. I've had steady tragedy after tragedy since last october and my life is spiraling down. I had thought that i was strong and independent. I had my last years all figured out. i was studying hard and didnt have time. We wrap ourselves in many layers so we feel secure. All my layers have been stripped away. It's like standing on the edge of the abyss. I honestly believe that God brought me home to my folks 3 years ago to give them joy. Mom told me several times she didnt know what shed have done without me. And I took care of them when Dad had his stroke oct. i quit my job dec31 and that gave me more time with Mom and that is now precious. I seriously understand nothing and i am nothing and i have nothing. I exist to take care of my dad and then i'm done. So i guess i kinda understand. There are no guarantees my friend, and yes life will drive you to your knees and make you want to quit. There was a preacher who once said the warfare is in the mind, its how you think its how you feel. Dont ever give up. Say no to the darkness. Call on God for strength. Even if you just make it thru one night, you made it. There is a parable in zen that tells of a moan who is chased by a tiger. he falls off a cliff and is hanging by a branch. Tiger above and tiger below, a mouse runs halfway out on the branch and starts gnawing on it. he notices on the branch a beautifull flower. Lesson is that no matter how bad things become, there is still beauty and good in the world if we but see. Start with a flower, look closely and notice the texture, arrangement of the leaves, let your mind brush over it feeling the flower. There is so much inside that needs to be released. That will hurt. But after the pain comes some healing. There may be counselling available in your area. If there is a university that has a grief counselling program you may be able to find help there. there are online counsellors, If you attend church then your minister or some of the Church ladies may be able to work with you. I'm sorry I cant really provide concrete answers and that i'm not eloquent. I will be looking for my own answers for a long time. Other people either havent gone thru this or they dont wish to acknowledge it. I knew this was coming for my folks but was not prepared in any way for what its done to me. If you and your husband wish to have kids and please excuse me if this is out of line there's always adoption. There are many deserving children and babies who need wonderfull loving parents. please please please do not give up, do not blame yourself. Just one day and step at a time. Will be praying for you.

Sadly ive been out of work all year and will probably be so until I can pass my certification so money is very tight. Mom loves flowers and birds and fairies and butterflies so i thought i'd make her some gardens. I think she would tell us to not be upset, lol she would always just say 'then dont be upset', she figured since its all in the mind if we make a conscious choice to not be upset thats all it takes. I know and I understand on a conscious level, my head gets it. But deep inside is broken, spirit and heart. I no longer expect her to walk in. I dont cry anymore when i see her things, and this entire home is her things. But thinking about it as im typing, yea im crying, gonna take time. I'm going to han on and start healing so I can take care of my dad. It has been a steady stream of tragic events since last october and I joke with my best friend in a sad way. 'what can be next'...not going to do that again. The sad thing to me is that there is no other family around. dad does have a small group of friends that gather once a week and that will help him greatly. I have my best friend and we have been doing alot of email. All my other friends, rather people I knew I either lost when I moved or lost when i quit work. The circumstances that landed me here have been failures in my life but the fact that i'm here and able to help Dad makes it all worthwhile. Quitting work at last years end is now the best thing ive ever done because it gave me alot more time with Mom. And I can be here all day with Dad. He cried today for the first time. My big brother in Cali sent us a book on grief that he says he has used and is very good. Hopefully after the service tomorrow and Dad goes to his Club meeting with all his friends thursday he will feel a bit better. You know how this goes, hurt at a primal level that conscious effort wont fix. For all we as a society think we are smart and strong and wise, loss and grief shows us how ridiculous we really are. Thank you more than you know. For someone like me who has just one friend left it means so much. Scott

*hugs* you're not weird.....I lost Mom last Friday and in a way still expect her to walk into the room. Ive lived in the folks home for three years so everything here reminds of Mom. I cry terribly at times and ive never really been one to cry. Ive lost many friends and other family but this has crushed me. As ive been reading it will come out, and you will cry rivers, and you will eventually start to heal. There will be a huge scar and many fond memories. What has happened has happened and we cant change it. But your Dad would want the best for you. Have a Happy Wedding knowing he is with you and very proud of you. name your firstborn son after him. Tell them how wonderfull he was. You will probably fall apart but pull your husband close and your family, be there for each other and rebuild. God bless you and be good to yourself.

I'm sorry you have to go thru this. people can be really callous and dumb. I think maybe they are afraid to face and understand what you're going thru and their hearts are just hardened. Good that you have a few friends to talk to. I have lost people before, friends and close relatives. But last friday I lost Mom, my best freind of 60 years. I knew it was coming one day and that being home it would be rough, but tbh I was not prepared to be shattered. I think that in this culture we just want to ignore death and grief. Maybe people just dont want to think of the inevitable. But the fact is that everyone will lose someone close at some point and know what you're going through. Those who havent experienced have no idea what it's like. I moved home 3 years ago and went unemployed at new years so i got to spend alot of time with my folks. I am now gratefull for that circumstance. I feel very sorry for those people who have given you troubles. Either they have hearts of stone or they have no clue and will one day go through what you have. I have been reading the past few days and trying to understand. I read what needs to happen but not how to do it except give it time. You give it whatever time you need my friend. there's no timeframe. It wont go away but with time it will hurt less and less and you keep all your fond memories. The pain may be bittersweet but as my dad told me, Mom would scold us for feeling bad. She is somewhere better than this world and for that i'm gratefull. What seems really odd to me is that for as advanced as this modern culture of ours is, it seems we have lost our humanity. In the tribe or clan they would understand the passing and have the rituals but also gather around the survivors and grieve with them and support them. they understood and it was important to help that person. Stick close to those who will hope and of course you have us on here. Dont let the heartless get you down. They just dont understand. Do what you need to do and take care of yourself. One day maybe they will need you, and you will understand and be able to comfort them.

Marty, Thank you very much, i will be reading these tonight. Dad goes to bed after the ten o'clock news and I dont want him to feel bad that i'm crying so will read them then and let some of it out Thank you

Kayc, thank you, you have some wonderfull memories. I 'know' but still deep inside I will never understand and I can be ok and then cry. Dad said that Mom would scold us for being so sad. She was always thinking of us. Trying to remember the wonderfull things about her and deal with this. I guess we just all have to in our own way learn how to navigate it. Talked to my big brother last night and we had a good talk. I want to honor her and I guess It will just take time to get to the point where I can do normal things without crying and breaking. I took her burial clothes to The Funeral Home today and since she always loved the roses in our yard I put a bud of roses in each pocket. She used to paint and many years ago when her artrhritis meant she couldnt use her hands on the brushes she did one last painting for each of us. I hung mine on the wall last night. When I moved home three years ago I showed her that I still had it and she was surprised. I would never part with it. Thank you for reaching out. When I moved back home I lost all friends and the only people I knew out here were at work and now that im out of work I dont have them. My best friend and I are like brothers so I truely thank God for him. His Mom is so much like mine I had always get along very well. I know everyone goes thru this, that nothing can really prepare you for it, and that it just takes time. I was remembering last night that I will have jury duty soon, but theres no way I can go. I have already put it off the one time cause both folks didnt feel good, just hope they understand. Everyone goes thru it, no one wants to talk about it and we certainly arent taught in advance how to deal with this. The deep pain inside that idk its like on an inner level and it does what it will. i just hope that one day soon I can do normal life things and not cry. Im spending time with dad and trying to help him but hes very sad. I just feel alone in a world full of people and like i'm staring at losing my dad and staring at my own mortality. It's terrifying. Nothing has taste or color. I know what needs to happen just not the how except to give it time, let myself cry, and hope it gets better. I see that you've made so I can do it. I have to for my dad. It's been constant tragedy since Oct and ive been wondering 'whats next' and this happens so i'm afraid to wonder what else is coming. My best friend suggested to try and get back to some of my routine, which is artwork and studying for IT. Going to try. The funeral is wednesday and maybe after thats done we can cope better. Forgive me if i tell youre an angel. Thank you so very much *hugs*

Thank you for your reply. Ive been reading and trying to figure out what im supposed to do now, I guess I have to put myself back together because I feel shattered. I know and understand consciously that Mom is gone and thats a part of life. But I guess its subconsciously its like an open bleeding wound . But I know that in time it will heal, there will be sad times and many fond memories. Mom was just love, she sacrificed herself for her family her entire life. The kind of person you feel you have to protect. I have lost friends and extended and close family but its never been like this. Parents are special. I know it would be easier if I hadnt seen her die. It would be easier if I hadnt seen her in pain and confusin before we took her to the hospital. the woulda shouldas will always haunt me. I know thats wrong and maybe one day i will internalise that. I know it would be easier if I wasnt living with them and thinking she might just walk in and seeing all her things. Yet I know better. Consciously I understand it, this is life. But deep inside I dont get it, hopefully one day I will. I think that I either heal or i die inside. Since I am shattered I need to rebuild myself. Ive read that you are never the same. My thought is that I need to rebuild myself as a better person, a person that embodies what ive always wished to believe. That will be my goal for whatever time I have left. Its been a long list of emergencies and tragedies since last Oct and I find myself out of work, all dreams gone and Mom gone. My remaining commitment is to take care of Dad. I 'know' all these things but theres still a deep part of ourselves thats beyond our understanding, control, and rational thought...and thats in so much pain. And THAT is what i dont know how to fix. I pray that dad, who seems ok so far, will survive a few years. One of my fallen dreams was to work in the 3D art industry, games etc. I even went to school for awhile. Mom had been a fantatsic painter until the arthritis in her hands kept her from holding a brush. What I plan is to Do some artwork that I know she would love. maybe a blog or website and do art for her and post some of her family stories. She had some good ones. Thank you for posting. If you have any advice or some good links they would be greatly appreciated. Take care

Isnt that what Buddhism teaches, to not grasp? life is all about changes and flowing, not static. You cant hold onto things esp people. yet we build these static lives that are hardened and when the natural flow of life happens we break. I know i need to start healing and understand this in my heart just not sure how. Is like life has shattered.

Mom, 92 passed in the doctors office yesterday. She was even at her age so full of energy and always smiling. All week she had said she was tired. But the previous night she seemd ok, tapping her foot and smiling at a Geaorge Strait dvd. Dad woke me up cause Mom was calling for me. She was very weak, pain in her stomach and bad nausea, her arm felt weird. IShe didnt want to go to the doc but I got her an appt....I should have taken her to the ER immediately. We got her to the docs appt in a couple hours and when she came in was the same, weak, nauseous etc and her vitals were normal even tho they had to try a couple times to get her BP, but they werent concerned. She was sitting up being examined and just fell over dead. They started working on her and she twice took a big breath and I thought she was coming back. But they just couldnt get her heart going again, no rythm. mom was the sweetest kindest person in this world and tbh the only person to love and care about me. If someone stole from her she would just say 'thats ok, they need it more than i do' ...she dearly loved dad and my bro and me. I had moved back home 3 years ago because of a job change, wanting to go back to school, and watch over and help them. Mom dealt pretty good but she was unable to cope w/ dads stroke in late october and well they both needing some help. dad had a mild stroke end of oct, mom collapsed from the stress a week later. She was ok and dad came home before Chritsmas. But dad had changed, mom and i both saw it. he spent every dollar he could....mom bent over backwards to make him happy but he didnt seem to care. We had a great aunt who when she passed left mom an investment acct that she specified be split tween me and my bro. Mom had kept it partly because I wanted her to have the money if dad passed first. he had cashed in his life insurance so she would have a hard time. She had told me several times she wanted to dispose of that but I waited for her to feel better. Dad is eager to get his hands on moms money. Her will leaves him everything and when I pointed out our great aunts wishes and moms wishes he got angry. Its not about money, its about honoring the wishes of my great aunt and my mother. Dad has acted since his stroke like he doesnt care. he was totally not there yesterday when mom was sick, just sat there as she died, and at the hospital when im biting my tongue to keep from crying he is joking. Thats what makes it doubly hard, my dad didnt care about mom and he doesnt care about me. On the way home from the hospital hes wanting to stop and eat at Ihop, moms fav place, I declined. All he was talking about was her estate. I told him if he needs to talk or he needs me for anything just knock on the door and wake me up. Ya know what? he didnt offer me anything. My father.... Maybe at 91 himself and he knows he could go at any time he has to understand. But I will take care of him and work to getting my IT certs and find a job. Honestly maybe would be better when we move cause everything here reminds me of mom. When I made my morning coffee she would grab this little demitasse cup and was all excited like a kid and id give her a tiny cup of coffee and she would tell me that was the best coffee she ever had. Ive lost friends and family but its never hit me hard. I know that she is in God's arms and at peace so I grieve for my loss and regrets at not better spending the time we had. You cant go back so spend your time wisely. Cant stop crying and I havent cried in years. Just cant understand how and why she was ok just tired and then got so sick and was gone so fast and could we have saved her. Dont really know what to think or do but I know i have a deep wound and I have to stop the bleeding and it will heal in time and there will be a nasty scar and I will always remember and be inspired by Mom.