widow'15

Gwen: You are one brave lady to get in your car and drive anywhere in Seattle today. I hope your neighborhood doesn't have hills. Since the snow started on Friday there has been an accumulation of about 5 inches in my part of Tacoma. All day I've felt like my house was being bombarded as the clumps of snow tumbled out of the two big fir trees hanging over my house. Thankful the wind gusts didn't pick up any stronger, causing limbs to fall on power lines resulting in power outages in the area. There are no sidewalks I need to shovel - if I did, I don't think I could. I did see my neighbors shoveling off their driveway evidently they need to go somewhere tomorrow. A neighbor offered to back my car out of my garage. I thanked him and said, not to worry, I'm not going anywhere. Am beginning to miss the grey, rainy days. LOL. Dee

kayc: I had 4 inches last night here in Tacoma and it is 20 degrees now. But, luckily I don't have to shovel anything. I couldn't if I had to. I am housebound and won't even attempt to go anywhere. Am dreading the next few days with the weather predictions. You ask yourself, "How you are going to do this in another ten years ?" I don't want to do this for another year. Of course I'm ten years your senior. Be careful and don't hurt yourself. Dee

Gin: Yes, it is a lonely life and sometimes it is so hard not to be envious of others who still have their husbands or have gone on without their husbands and found another "friend". I have a dear neighbor who lost her husband shortly after I lost mine. She met a widower in her support group and they have become constant companions now for the past two years. I am truly happy for her, but wonder sometimes how could someone who was married almost 50 years replace that ? Am I envious or what? Sometimes I think this loneliness has made me crazy in my head. Dee

Gwen: These days can be so painful. Again, please know you are in my thoughts as you deal with your health issues. You are too young to have to go through this. I don't try to forget these special days, but I try to convince myself, it is now just another day, not that special day it used to be. Just like holidays, etc. Just another day. Take care. Dee

Kevin and Marg: Good to read there are people like you two "motivators". I just finished about a 30 minute walk with my dog and I think it gets harder, not easier, huffing and puffing up the slight hill towards my front door. The sun was out and beautiful so was a good outing, although it was on the chilly side. And Kevin it is so nice you are so happy in your new life. Dee

Ana: Thank you for sharing the lovely story by V. Franklin. I have bookmarked to reread during those heart wrenching moments that seem to surface when I am not totally in charge of my grief. In the past, I have occasionally had dreams of my husband that I recall, but not lately. I am hoping as the weather improves and I'm outside more, my sleep time will not require a mild sleep aide and my brain will not be asleep. Daily, there are constant conversations with Bob. I stare at his picture and beg him to tell me what I should do to carry on with my life. For over 50+ years we always discussed what we would do next together. And now, at my old age I have to try to figure it out on my own. There is no other choice. Like Darrel says, “One foot in front of the Other”. Dee

Gwen: So far Maddie is doing well. Her last ultra sound on the 12th showed no tumor(s) had returned. This type of bladder cancer does return unfortunately, so I am thankful for each day she is a happy girl. Maddie is about 11 1/2 years old, not a puppy. Her appetite is still good and loves her walks. I wish I were younger and more able to take her on longer walks. Your Ally must be healthy and happy to still be interested in chasing a critter at age 14 years. Shortly, after my Bob passed, I had my son change my answer machine and now I wish I hadn't. I hate that sometimes I feel like I am forgetting Bob's voice. There are videos mixed among our photos and old vcr tapes that maybe I'll have the courage to listen to some day, just not quite yet. Dee

Gwen: Oh my goodness, what kind of person would say such a thing? I hate it when I receive a call on my landline, yes I still have a landline which I refuse to give up since it has been our number for over 40 years, asking to talk to my husband. I tell them to please remove the name from their calling list cause he doesn't live here any longer. Some of them must have removed his name cause I seem to get less asking for him. But then there are those dang "robo" calls. I used to let the answer machine pick up, then I would pick up when I recognized the caller. But now, with my Maddie and her health issues, I don't want to chance missing a call regarding her appointments, etc. I had one of those "robo" calls the other day, and the voice on the other end was actually speaking in another language - sounded like Chinese. If nothing else, I had a laugh for the day. LOL - Dee

TomPB: Your generous heart to keep Susan remembered is wonderful. The emotions you feel at this organization meeting will surely give you peace and comfort. Dee

Katie: I think of you so often and pray for you and your boys. Hugs and love to all of you. Dee

Gwen: Thank you. So far she is doing well. Each day with her is a blessing. Dee

Kayc: Yes, right now the news is good for my Maddie. The chemo so far hasn't made her sick as some dogs suffer. She just acts more quiet than usual and less active for about four days after the treatment. She so far has kept her appetite and still seems eager for her walk. She is my reason for living right now and I keep praying the news will be good as long as possible. Like your baby she is 11 years old so is already up in her years. Actually, we are the same age. LOL. Hope you are feeling better by now. Dee

Kevin: What a precious grandson you have. Your smile says it all. Dee

kayc and Gwen: Maybe in my old mind/brain/whatever it is, I still haven't accepted it is really, really real. That's how my memory plays tricks on me. When I do realize it is real is when I can let myself get down in the dumps. Today as I drove my fur baby, Maddie for her fourth chemo treatment and an ultrasound, I did have good news. The ultrasound indicated no tumors were noted. All during the 20 minute drive to the vet hospital I kept talking to my Bob to please be with me, and prayed to God to please let the news be good news today. And that is all that I can ask now, is "One Day At A Time", no matter how my mind (?) works tomorrow. Dee

TomPB: Yes, our minds do play such tricks on us. It is puzzling sometimes when we can recall a memory as if it was yesterday when it happened so long ago. Your ability to recall such detail is interesting and I would think is comforting to feel as if you might still be there, when you were happier and more content with life. Some nights when I can't sleep I take my mind to the happiest times with our little family walking together in the woods. I can almost hear the birds, feel the breeze rustling the leaves with our silly dog running ahead of us. Does not feel so long ago either, but it helps me realize how fortunate I was to have such a life once. Sometimes, it helps the sleep to come. Good Dreams. Dee

Gwen: My heart breaks for you. Am stunned at your news. It's like you hit a wall every which way you turn. Know you are in my thoughts and I hate that I can't be of some help to you. Life is not fair and is understandable you resent how cruel life can be. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you make your choices ahead of you. Take care. Dee Y

Marg said it all. You do have more on your plate than most. Just know you are not alone when you "sign on" to this site. We do think about you. Dee

Gwen: I was thinking about you about 2 a.m. this morning as my power briefly went off with the windstorm blowing through the northwest. I hope your home didn't suffer any damage or you didn't have your power go off. I too am relieved the Holidays are over. The last Christmas with my husband was 2014 and really can’t say it has gotten any easier. As I went to bed last night I made plans to take down the little bit of Christmas decorations today, but instead ended up using my energy to pick up more branches outside. Grrrrrr. I constantly try to push away feelings of envy when I listen to friends, neighbors, etc. talk about their life and activities. I really am happy for them but I remind myself, once upon a time I had that life even though I know I will never have that happiness again. Take care. Dee

Tom PB: How nice you have dreams of Susan. So funny you would hear her questioning your "pants". Wish I would experience more dreams with my Bob. Maybe I do and I just don't recall when I open my eyes. The few dreams I have had I write down as soon as I can. Dee

TomPB: Good that you are over your flu and you felt well enough to get in a swim. Luckily, or maybe not so lucky I have not yet been sick since my husband passed. Unfortunately though, whenever my Grand kids and family are suffering a cold, etc., they know they have to stay away which makes it difficult for me. Being "hardheaded" sometimes can be a good thing. I think that is what drives me everyday. My husband was also "hardheaded" but we seemed to manage a long married life of almost 51 years. We both loved one another but we also respected each other's space. He loved to fish; I hated it. But, I never discouraged him to not to do what he loved. I encouraged him like he encouraged me. Am sure you and Susan's marriage was perfect for you two. She may be "gently" seeping through your head without you realizing. And, no we will never get over losing them. Dee

kayc: Yes this is a beautiful, meaningful poem. I think this is almost the same poem. https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/my-dearest-family/#content Hope you can pull this up. Dee

kayc: He must have been stationed at McChord AFB. Been there many times. My husband was retired military. Madrone trees are continually dropping something too. Beautiful trees though. I don't have any in my yard, but my neighbor has a gargantuan cedar that crowds my gargantuan fir tree in front yard. Always something to rake up. Exercise, exercise. I thought I'd stay up and watch the fireworks on TV but quickly got annoyed seeing so many happy smiling faces so took my dog out in the backyard for her final walk around the yard, but she was so nervous with all the fireworks in the neighborhood, we came back inside and went to bed. Happy New Year, LOL. Dee

Gwen: I feel your anger that Steve had to leave so young, just when you two had plans to be together for your retirement. I can't begin to understand why life turns out the way it does for some of us. I am thankful I had my husband as long as I did, and feel at times I don't have the right to complain when I know younger couples as you and Steve had such a struggle battling his cancer. Just know you are always in my thoughts. Dee

Darrel: You did it again - you seem to know just how to say the words that help put my thinking onto the right track. Thank you and it is my hope you will have the 2019 you pray for. Sounds like you made it through the day. Dee

Gwen: Less than an hour until the last minute of 2018 and I can imagine you and I are probably watching the fireworks at Seattle Center on TV. I do hope 2019 will mean less ER visits for you and less discomfort in your back. My heart goes out to you as you worry about your fur baby. Daily, I ask myself a similar question, "Why did he have to leave me?" May you have some relief in 2019. Best Wishes. Dee