katie32188

@Gwenivere Thank you. I just went and had a session on Thursday. He didn't really help. Some times he made me feel a little better about some of my guilt but mostly he just took my side with some of the stuff I didn't agree with in our relationship, like the addiction issue. I didn't feel like it was helpful at all. And I asked him if I could be seen weekly and again, he told me Kaiser didn't work like that and there werent enough therapists. So he told me I could find some out of network therapists. I guess im going to have to do that but Im just tired of explaining everything over and over. Im not even sure if counseling will even help me. I know I have barely gone but I wake up depressed every single morning. He's the first person I think about as soon as I wake up. I still don't want to believe this is real. 

@kayc It wasn't as bad as I expected, with my co workers. They didn't probe me but I recently found out that it somewhat helps me when I do talk about it. But when Im with my patients and they ask about it I don't want to talk about it. They don't need it or my sadness. They're suffering enough. The only thing that was hard was that I couldn't provide the best care I can. And I don't know how Im going to be able to any time soon. 

13 hours ago, kayc said:

If your therapist doesn't have time to see you once a week, maybe he can refer you to someone who does have time, you might ask him about it.  I agree, waiting three weeks in between is a bit much at this point.  You might try a grief support group on down the road but it's probably too soon for you right now, a lot of people tell me they weren't ready the first few months.

I don't know what your job is like, but my biggest concern about going  back to work was my focus, I just didn't have it and I had a job where you couldn't make mistakes.  My boss and coworkers were wonderful.  My boss had someone speak to the employees before I came back to work, addressing what to expect and how to best respond, it really helped, it was another coworker who had suffered the loss of his three year old years before and he spoke from his experience.  His cubicle was right across from mine and he was so wonderful.  I'd rush to the bathroom to cry when I needed to.  I asked my boss to check my work as I knew my brain wasn't right.  Unfortunately, my job went down a few months later, it was the start of the recession, and my new job the situation was totally different, but I'm thankful I was working where I was when George died, they were all great.  I didn't get hit with questions and probing, people were wonderful to me and I hope that'll be your experience too.

Kayc, 

I dont think its the certain therapist who doesnt have time. I called and told them Id like to, I need to, see someone once a week and they said that it doesn't really work like that. Everyone is booked up, but I can be put on a waiting list. 

My job is stressful and requires a lot of focus. I am a dialysis technician and work 12 hour shifts. I know its going to be difficult getting back. My boss, apparently sent a text message to all of my co workers telling them about my loss and I just know they're going to, as you said, ask me questions and probe me. And I just know its going to be hard because I have my patients to take care of and I just feel like I cant provide the best care that I need to right now. The funeral hasnt even happened yet. 

23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Katie, I see 2 counselors.  One for strictly grief and the other for managing the twists and turns more in detail off daily living.  It’s worked out to be a good balance for me.  I cry at both, but one is all emotional baggage unloading.  The other is to help me try and find acceptance  in healthier ways than left to my own devices, which were harming me unguided.  I don’t like support groups.  Too much repetitive details and so many stuck there.  They helped for a short time when I needed help with my first big loss of my mother.  Then I saw there was no growth and many wanted to relive their stories. If it helped them, that’s great.  I needed more.  3 weeks is a very long time when we have faced multiple losses as you have.  It would be too long between for just my husband.  You’re carrying a lot of grief weight.  I’m no expert, but my feeling is you need a safe place that is all yours you can count on at least once a week to unload some of that weight.  Just my opinion, of course.  Sometimes I hate going, feel it was a waste so I now make notes to keep me focused as the time is so limited.  I also made sure both counselors had suffered losses, I didn’t need the details but felt they owed me that knowledge so I could be sure they knew the feelings I had.

Gwenivere, 

Do you talk about two totally different things when you talk to each of them, or do they both help with grief and daily living? I was just asking if I should see two because its hard to get appointments with any at Kaiser. I agree, I didnt like the support group. I didnt feel comfortable there. Im sure it's helpful to talk with others who are going through the same but I just felt it wasn't for me. And not to be selfish I just need it to be about me for once. 

I just feel like I need to go once a week. I feel numb sometimes. Friends and family are there but I just feel like they dont always want to talk about it and I do. I just need to get everything out.

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "a few different people, once a week" Katie. For now I think you are wise to stick with the therapist you have, at least until you've met with him or her more than once, so you have a better basis on which to evaluate if it's helping. You might also ask your therapist if there is an in-person grief support group you could join, to tide you over in between appointment with your therapist. 

I worded that wrong. The therapist that I see is constantly booked up. So the last time I was able to see him was 3 weeks ago. The next time I see him is on Thursday. All the therapists there are apparently booked up and I have to wait a few weeks in between each appointment. I need to see someone once a week, so my question was would it be smart or alright to see different therapists, maybe between two, once a week. I feel like I need to talk to someone at least once a week. I tried the group thing but it just didnt help me. 

On 8/31/2018 at 7:12 AM, kayc said:

I couldn't answer better than Marita did to you, Katie.  I agree with everything she said.  I pray you find a way to stop beating yourself up.  He didn't want someone else, he wanted you.  What happened wasn't purposeful, you loved each other, no one planned this to happen.  You aren't responsible Hon, you just feel it, but that doesn't make it so.  Try doing good things for you, take a bubble bath, savor some chocolate, have a girl's night, IDK, something good for you, you deserve it.  it won't fix anything, nothing will bring him back, but maybe just try a few minutes respite from it all?

Thank you kayc. I know it wasn't my fault. He did it. But its just really hard to think otherwise. The what if's are really getting to me. I know I cant change anything but I want to so badly. The funeral hasn't even happened yet. And Im afraid its just going to get worse when its all over. 

Its hard to want to do things for myself. I went and stayed with a friend for a week and a half and that helped a little, but now that Im home and surrounded with his things still in a suitcase is making it hard again. I go back to work in a few days and Im dreading it. I dont want to explain everything over and over. I just feel like im a lost cause. 

On 8/30/2018 at 5:04 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Hi Katie.  I want to respond to your post and I want you to know I only want to offer you support.  There are no criticisms. ❤️

I feel the same exact way with my guilt. Like, why couldn't I have just done what he liked, or why did I say what I said, or why didn't I tell him how I felt before I went there. Or why didn't I try more to help him.

--Katie you did the best you could, that is not wrong or not enough.  If you tried harder and you made yourself and him angry that would be torture too.  

 

I am constantly torturing myself with these thoughts.

--I know this kind of torture very well - it doesn't help us to heal though, it makes dealing with grief so much more difficult.  

 

We live as though the people in our lives will be there forever. Its eating at me.  

--That is so true about not stopping to smell the flowers… sometimes we have to smell the fertilizer as well.  Life is about finding a balance. I'm not there yet but I am working on it.

Im sorry you feel guilty as well. But again, we didn't know this was going to happen. Is it a way of life to constantly worry?  

--I remember a saying about worry, “worry is like a ride on a wooden horse”.  I don't know who said it. To me it means that worry gets you nowhere and it isn't very satisfying.

 

It isn't but with me, I always worry, about everything. And I dont know what to do about that.  

--Worry is something I learned from my mother, too bad I didn't see the repercussions of it. She drove me crazy with stuff that wasn't for a child to know.  It messed me up with healthy boundaries and taught me early on that I couldn't say no to her.

--As to what to do about it - start small, give yourself a time limit.  If you decide 10 minutes then you have to stop at 10 minutes and tell yourself you are done worrying about that one thing.  It takes lots of practice and time.

I just feel lost and alone.

--I understand lost and alone.  It sucks. You are the only one who can change it though.  

 

But seems like therapy may be the only thing to help me.

--Therapy has helped me many times over the years.  I don't always get the results I want but I get the  lessons I need.

 

But I think will it actually help?

--It will help if you want it to and if you invest yourself in looking after your needs.  None of this is selfish. It is working to be the person you want to be.

I feel guilty about that because early to mid of our relationship I began to take my anger and frustrations out on him and we broke up a couple times and I told him I was going to therapy for cbt and I never once went. I just told him that. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I wanted him so badly but I chose to work on myself without the therapist. I feel guitly about everything. Like if I were to just let him go when he didnt want to be with me anymore, he could of been happy with someone else by now and wouldn't be taking pills or that person could of been there with him that night and either saved him or he wouldnt have taken anything. I hate thinking like this.

--The guilt, worry, and self depreciation is a huge wheel.  The more you do it the more you will keep doing it. You deserve to get off the wheel.  Life is tough enough without constantly setting yourself up to feel bad. Give yourself a hug from me and know that everyone has struggles.  You will be ok if you make sure to eat, sleep, exercise, and are telling yourself you can do it. Give therapy a good try. Keep reaching out.  I'm sorry that all this sucks so much and hurts more than most people can believe, until they experience it. ❤️🙏
 

Thank you for trying to get me to see that feeling guilty isnt helping anything. I go through waves of feeling ok, feeling sad, feeling guilty. Im now starting to question if he even loved me. 

I spent the last week and a half at a friends house. I went out and did things to try to get it off my mind but Im home now and its all coming back. I still havent unpacked his clothes his mom gave me. I don't know what to do with them. 

And what kind of makes this harder is, I dream about him every night. He's dying in every one. And then I wake up and its real. 

Sometimes I just think he's in a better place and then sometimes I think I dont want to live without him. I know I need to see a counselor but I wasn't even able to make a weekly appointment. I have to wait 3 weeks apart. I dont see how that will help me. I have Kaiser. Would it help if I saw a few different people, once a week? 

I feel the same exact way with my guilt. Like, why couldn't I have just done what he liked, or why did I say what I said, or why didn't I tell him how I felt before I went there. Or why didn't I try more to help him. I am constantly torturing myself with these thoughts. We live as though the people in our lives will be there forever. Its eating at me.

Im sorry you feel guilty as well. But again, we didn't know this was going to happen. Is it a way of life to constantly worry? It isn't but with me, I always worry, about everything. And I dont know what to do about that. 

I just feel lost and alone. But it seems like therapy may be the only thing to help me. But then I think will it actually help? I feel guilty about that because early to mid of our relationship I began to take my anger and frustrations out on him and we broke up a couple times and I told him I was going to therapy for cbt and I never once went. I just told him that. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I wanted him so badly but I chose to work on myself without the therapist. I feel guitly about everything. Like if I were to just let him go when he didnt want to be with me anymore, he could of been happy with someone else by now and wouldn't be taking pills or that person could of been there with him that night and either saved him or he wouldnt have taken anything. I hate thinking like this.

13 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

My condolences to you Katie for your loss.  I remember all too well how much of a basket case I was during the year of 2016. I took my wife off of life support on New Year's Day, 2016. We were together for 41+ years. I still miss her every day, but the grieving process itself is much better now. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds.  You can look forward to time working in your favor as well.

As to your reason for this post, I have had numerous "visits" from my wife.  The most memorable ones came along during the first month after her passing, so I'm not surprised that your event with the feather has happened so soon.

I won't describe them to you now, but I will if you are interested.   If you are interested just let me know in this thread and I will be happy to.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

Hello Darrel @olemisfit

Thank you for sharing and I am too, sorry for you loss. 

It does give me some hope that I too, will one day feel as you do now. 

I am very interested in hearing the visits from your wife. Please let me know. 

13 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Oh my dear Katie, asking how long someone felt this or that, asking how long grief lasts or "How Long Will This Pain Go On?" ~ It's like asking "How high is up?" Even though we've learned a lot about what is normal / common in grief, we've also learned that grief is different for everyone ~ simply because we are unique individuals and we're each so different from one another: in age, gender, personality, past experiences with loss, what we were taught as children, who we've lost and our unique relationship with that person, when and how the person died, and on and on. So many variables! Rather than asking how long did someone else feel guilty, you would do well to read a bit about guilt and regret in grief, and discover for yourself what you might do to better understand and cope with your own feelings and reactions. See also:

Guilt and Regret in Grief  

Guilt and Regret Following the Death of a Friend

Thank you for the links again. 

Im not so much asking how long does guilt or grief last. But I’m asking how long did it last for them. 

I recently started believing there is life after death. Before I was skeptical. When my dad died 12 years ago, I got no signs, ever. Or maybe I just wasn’t looking for them. 

But when I lost my boyfriend last week I started researching signs. 

Yesterday, I was sitting outside in the backyard. Usually I’m on my phone but for one moment I decided to look forward and I saw a feather falling down to the ground. 

I don’t know why but I instantly felt some sort of peace. And I genuinely smiled for the first time in a week. I felt it was my boyfriend letting me know he is with me. 

Has anyone else had anything like this happen to them? 

3 hours ago, scba said:

Hello Katie, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance 4years ago, he was 31. We understand your pain, no matter the circumstances of your loss, your life story, relationship and age. Everyone cares here and I hope you will keep coming, to read or to pos 

Nothing seemed to help me back then and therapy was my only resource to let my pain to be expressed, my first counsellor wasn't good and my second one got much of my grief.

Most probably people will start to not understand your grief. You may start hearing platitudes being said to you. If so, come here. We have been were you are now.

As in your case, I was not married and I was very young for living this horrible experience, I didn't have the tools to deal with so much pain. grief is very complicated to deal with, with time you learn to co exist and mange it, that is what time is, you develop scar tissue.

I know you cannot eat now, but try to eat even if little. Don't quit with food and with drinking water, even if these actions collide with the pain you are feeling. Just try and any other thing, let it be enough for today.

Unfortunately thoughts and guilty will stay with you for a time. It is ok now, it is all normal. With time too your guilt feelings will diminish. We "need" guilt to find a reason and an explanation to their deaths, when there is no reason, no explanation and no sense to it. We want to understand why our love wasnt enough to keep them alive. 

 

 

 

 

@scba

Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss as well. 

How often did you go to therapy? 

I try to eat and drink, I really do. Even if I try forcing myself I can’t do it. I eat just a little bit and I feel like that’s the best I can do. It’s hard to want to do much. Even if I go out with my friends Im sitting there thinking about him. I feel useless. 

I’m saddened to know this guilt will stay with me for a while. I know it wasn’t my fault but I can’t help but feel there was more I could do. Do you still feel guilty or how long did you feel guilty for? 

4 hours ago, MartyT said:

And take a look at some of the posts in our Tools for Healing forum, here: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/forum/29-tools-for-healing/  ❤️

Thank you for sending that to me 💕

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Counseling can be a big help...I firmly believe in it.  I'm 13 years out so no, not going now.    I'm also a worrier, but I've learned to confront myself with self talk.  If nothing else, the doctor can issue you a sleeping pill so you can get a decent night's sleep...or even 1/2 a night.  I wish I'd done that in the beginning, it was hard to function and work on no sleep, I made it too hard on myself trying to tough it out.  Some things I've learned the hard way, in retrospect.  I'm a worrier too, can worry about anything, especially in the middle of the night when I need to be sleeping.  I've learned if I don't get back to sleep in an hour, to get up, pray/meditate, read, come here...oh and take something to help me sleep...then try again.  Nothing worse than tossing/turning for hours!  Music can help too.

 

It’s good to know that counseling helps. I’ve always had trouble sleeping because of my work schedule but it’s also because of the constant anxiety. I’ve never been one to take any sort of pill, besides a Tylenol. And now after this I don’t think I will ever be able to take anything but one Tylenol again. Right now I just can’t see the need to care for myself. I really want to but I just can’t seem to be able to do it right now. I thought things were going to get a little bit better but now I’m in Canada and it’s like it happened all over again. How long did it take you to start caring for yourself again? 

4 hours ago, A&K said:

Hi Katie.  I’m Katie too.  I’m so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband to suicide and he too was just 30.  

Give the counseling a few sessions and hopefully it will feel safe and right and begin to help you.  

Please do come here as often as needed.  You will get a lot of support. ♥️

Hi Katie,

I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Did or does counseling help for you? What else did you do to cope?

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Katie, Kay is right.  It’s hard to get used to because our world gets so changed forever,  but just getting up and dressed is a major thing now.  Being kind to yourself means giving yourself credit you did that one little thing.  I have an anxiety disorder too and it ramped up from the grief and stress.  Had to increase my meds to control it and felt defeated.  A counselor helps me see the enormity of my loss and I have darned good reasons for more intense reactions.  

It does take some time to get comfortable in counseling.  It’s because if the reason you are there.  Pain.  Remember that you are the boss.  Ask questions if you don’t start feeling you click.  Not all counselors are a good fit.  I made sure mine had suffered losses themselves so I could expect them to understand.  It’s not against any ethical guideline for them to answer yes without details.  2 I saw hadn’t so I knew they could not help me beyond 'book' learning.  That’s not enough.  

Im sorry to be yet another to welcome you here.  The people here are the most caring and understanding of everything you feel and question if it’s normal.  You’ll find it is.  🦋

Gwenivere,

Thank you for your response. I will continue to go to therapy but it’s hard when I feel like I should or want to go every day and there aren’t enough appointments. All I feel like is I don’t want to be alone. But I’ve been alone for about 10 years, and right now it just seems like I can’t do it. I’m alone now and all I want to do is cry.

I really hope I find the right therapist. And you’re right, finding one who had also suffered loss is such a good idea. Thank you for your advise. 

How else do you cope with your anxiety, besides medication and therapy? I’ve never been a med person. I was prescribed Xanax but I never took it. And now I don’t think I ever will...

2 hours ago, kayc said:

That's common in the first session...they are usually just getting to know you and what you hope to get out of it.  Be candid with him/her and let them know so you can talk about expectations.  It's hard, I remember!
There are so many helps here that aren't on the other one because here we have a moderator that is also a grief counselor.  She has a course to take, Tools for healing, meditations, lists of books, tons of articles, I won't bog you down right now, but don't be afraid to ask for anything you think of, one of us will be able to direct you to an answer.  You're in good hands here.  And the other place..there's lots of young people going through it so you won't feel alone in it, there's some here too.
 

By treating yourself well we mean eat something healthy whether you feel like it or not, drink some water, and take a walk.  Surround yourself with supportive people, now's not the time to put up with toxic people, you're taxed as it is, you need caring understanding people around.
 

I have GAD (general anxiety disorder) too and can relate...when you're hit with sudden death it gets your anxiety in overtime...I've learned to tell myself "back to TODAY" and do it.  We don't need to be worrying about the whole rest of our life or even the near future.  You're doing well by getting up and getting dressed.

I will try to continue to go. Did it help you when you went? And are you still going? 

It does make me feel like there is a little bit of hope knowing there are so many caring people here who have gone through, and are going through what I am going through. Thank you for being so kind. 

I am trying to care for myself. I just can’t seem to feel like eating much since I’ve lost him. But I’m trying. But I also find myself needing to go out and drink. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to sit at home. Ive taken some time off of work because I can’t deal with everyone right now but do you know what I can do besides being home? When I’m home all  I think about is him and all of the stuff that reminds me of him is there. It drives me crazy. 

I cant help but worry about the future. I’ve always been a worrier. I don’t know how to not worry. 

@Widowedbysuicide

Hello Martia,

I cannot imagine knowing someone that long and being with them that long and then losing them. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. 

I will try a grief therapist because I feel like that is all that will help me. Because nothing is helping. How do I treat myself well? I dont even know where to begin. 

@kayc

Kayc, Thank you for the tips. I feel as if they will help me in the future. Im really trying to take care of myself. But its very very hard. I saw a therapist on Monday but I felt that it didn't help me much. Im just dreading the coming days. Im meeting his mom and sister this weekend in Toronto. Helping them clean and getting a chance to get to know them, as I never met them before. Then theres the funeral, I dont know when it is yet, but then what after that? There's nothing. Im afraid of that. Im trying to take it day by day but I cant help but worry about the future. Ive had major anxiety before this and now its gotten worse. I just dont know what to do with myself. He kept me going, he made me want to wake up every day, he was my best friend and someone I could tell everything to. I just keep having to say out loud that this is real to make it reality. I am so sorry for your loss as well. What did you do in the early days to help cope with your sadness? 

@Widowedbysuicide

Thank you for replying. You're right when you say it would of happened eventually, everyone is saying that. But I just somehow feel that if I moved there that he would of stopped. Because I made him promise not to do it in front of me. And I would of either tried getting him help or make him see that there are other things he could be doing with his time. I would of nagged at him every day because I'd know I'd be living there and not just visiting. I tried not to nag at him while I was visiting because I didnt want to lose him. I'm really trying not to think like this but its hard. I just wish I would of been there to help him, take him to the hospital if he was feeling sick. I just dont know how to care for myself right now. All I can do is think about him and all of the things we were going to do together. What did you do to cope with all of this? And I am so sorry for your loss as well. 

A week ago today I felt something was not right...

My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship. We met online in May of 2014. He was living in England and I was living in California. We had a bit of a complicated relationship. We were so much alike yet so different. We bit off eachothers heads sometimes but always loved eachother anyway. We were working on a better relationship. Shortly after, he moved to Canada to start over because he got into a bit of trouble in England. He was also closer to me so that made things a little easier. I never judged him. I loved him with all of my heart.

He had his demons and I had mine too. His was just a little worse than mine. He was caught up in the game of selling pills and taking them. I tried getting him to realize that wasn't the way to live and reminded him constantly of why he moved to Canada, to start over. But of course I was acting like "his mother". I realized there was nothing I can do.

We kept going dispite the distance and the hard times. 

A week ago today, I felt something was not right...

Tuesday of last week he told me he wasn't feeling well. I didn't think much of it because he was kind of always feeling sick. He started getting seizures maybe 2 years ago due to the over use of Xanax, I believe. And always had bad headaches and was in constant pain every day due to exploded discs in his back from when he was around 20. Wednesday I asked him if he was feeling any better and he said no, he felt really sick. Said he had a temp and a bad headache. I asked him if he was going to the hospital and he ignored the question. So I just told him to take a tylenol and put a cold wash cloth on his head. We spoke a little after that but not much. I knew he wasn't feeling well so I decided to give him some time to rest. Thursday, I asked him if he felt any better. No response. I tried changing the subject and sent him a picture of my new hair. No response. I figured he was just ignoring me because he wasnt feeling well. I left him alone. Friday comes around, I usually eventually get a response but I still had nothing. I began to worry. I felt something was not right. There was no presence of him anywhere. Usually when he ignored me I could still see his presence on social media. There was nothing for over a day. He lived in the basement of his friends parent's home. I text her, she didnt respond. I called her, no response. I then was freaking out so I text her one more time and said I was so worried about Mike, can you please check on him? She never did respond. 

I then started calling the local hospitals. Oddly one of them said he was there getting an MRI. I confirmed he was there that day and they said yes. I felt relieved. I assumed maybe he had a seizure and was at the hospital. I fell asleep early that night. And the next morning my world came crashing down. I had a few missed calls from his cousin and a text asking me to call him. I called him right away and thats when he gave me the news that Mike had passed away. They found him in his bed Friday when I asked the landlord to check on him.

Its been a week since and I feel like Ive died too. He was my whole world. I had a trip planned to see him today. Now instead Im taking that trip to meet his parents and sister who flew from England. I feel like life isnt even worth living anymore. He was my reason to live. He was always there for me whenever I needed him. And now I can never get him back. I have no one. My dad died when I was 15 and my mom lives in Minnesota. 

He was only 30 years old. I don't know how to deal with this. I have my friends constantly checking on me and Im trying to keep busy but nothing is helping. I tried going to therapy. That didn't help at all. I just dont know what to do with myself. Everything reminds me of him. He was the man I wanted to marry. I had a plan to move to Canada to be with him and start my life over because I am so tired of living in California doing the same things over and over. There's nothing here for me. And now that I don't have him I really don't have anyone. Friends and some family are there yes, but everyone has their own lives to deal with and I get that. But I truly feel alone. Everytime I saw something funny or gross or weird I would always call or text him and he'd laugh with me. I felt secure and safe with him. I just don't know what to do.

I still don't know how he went but I have an idea. And its terrible. He had a problem, no one could help him. I just feel so guilty because maybe if I tried a little bit harder to get him to see that what he was doing was not right then maybe he'd still be here today. And then I think I should of not nagged at him so much or started arguements with with because they we're so dumb. Why did I do that? 

I originally planned to go there August 11th, but there were scheduling problems at work. And I feel like if I went there then he would still be alive today. And I feel SO GUILTY. I feel sick. I feel like there is nothing more for me to do here in life. I don't know how to go on. I just want him back. Does it get any easier? Because I don't think it will. Im only 28 but he was my first love and I wanted my life to end with him. I just don't know what to do.