Smpl0409

Hello, I lost my boyfriend in a very different way but grief hits all of us, what I can say is that the first months and years will be almost unbearable but try to get the help you need, I was hoping to make it by myself but I couldnt and my mental state was getting my family worried. The first step that I would recommend people who have been in situations like us is therapy. I lost my boyfriend in 2019 and I can tell you therapy has been my saviour.

I’m glad You’re here because Beeing with people who can understand your pain is important. I didn’t have a support group like this one, much less someone young who could understand me. If you feel comfortable, we can talk privately and you can share your thoughts with me. I would love to help🤍

@nashreedsorry that this is a little late.

I had experienced anxiety and depression before the loss of my boyfriend but after meeting my boyfriend, all of that completely disappeared. 
A couple years later, my boyfriend passed away and it all came back a hundred times worse, I can understand that feeling, I guess losing your spouse is a different experience but I understand the horrible panic attacks you get, at first I got so scared, I literally thought I was dying.

I can say that therapy and meds saved my life. i take brintellix and go to therapy every two weeks, there, I learned how to cope with anxiety and the relationship with my friends and family.

I really hope you get better, you deserve to be happy again💗

@TameraSanders Wonderful. I have heard birds are often the way that our loved ones communicate with us, hold on to that. I saw the picture of you smiling, it is a great start, you can do it. Smiling doesn't mean you've healed but It shows you're strong. You are doing great. Those kittens will bring so much joy. I have a dog and it helps me a lot. 

@TameraSanders I have the same questions, we are always searching happiness and all of a sudden, not expecting, we find it in somebody that becomes our best friends, our partner that we thought we would have the rest of our lives, and in a couple minutes, everything changes, I will never understand why but we need to accept what we can understand and hold on to what we still have, people who care. 

@Miss_my black Italian chef I am sorry about your loss. I understand what your saying, we often get doubts about what we did wrong but remember those beautiful moments and don't think about what you should've done, death is sudden and I am sure you will find some kind of explanation with the autopsy. My friends often say comments about dating and going out, I get it, they want me to get better but I just don't see myself with nobody else, he was the love of my life.

Take your time and don't feel the pressure to get better soon, everything will take time and effort. The memories will be very painful but remember that time helps a lot. 

I also scape from life sleeping, I know it is not healthy but I just can't get him out of my head and those last moments together. I know that the best people leave, I still can't understand that, he had so much hopes and dreams and I am sure your partner did too. 

I often have panic attacks and I was getting better with it but today I had one that felt awful, I was with my parents and I just found myself so scared and couldn't breathe, cried so much. I just thought about him and his eyes looking at him when he left, this is getting harder than I thought. My boyfriend was my true love and I ask God: What Am I going to do the rest of my life? I don't want to live, I am only 20 years old and I am supposed to live the rest of my life like this? I won't be able to. 

5 hours ago, Kieron said:

This is so very much on-point, Gwen, I wish I could upvote it 1,000 times.  

Tamera, you were robbed.  We all were, in our respective experiences.  🙁

Wow, that article To Move Or Not: Making Decisions In The Wake of Grief

contains this quote: "Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful. ~ José N. Harris

That is exactly where I am at the moment with staying here or going somewhere else, as I said in another thread.  😟😟

It is so true, I feel lost, now what? he was my biggest motivation, I loved, learned, laughed so much and I just want that happiness back.

I don't know what's next, I am scared.

Life is a mystery, even with God, I have so many questions and anger, I have been avoiding memories, they are so painful. I am so scared to not be with him, he was my whole life. How can life be destroyed in a matter of minutes?

I agree, grief fog can last a lot, I am still in shock, I can't accept I won't ever see him again. 

@TameraSanders I also think we were robbed from our dreams, I had so much things to accomplish with him, I can't see myself doing it without him and I can't wrap myself around the idea of being myself again, I know I will never be as happy as I was with him, I will never achieve my dreams. 

But I am trying really hard to keep up with this troubled life, I just hope I get the help I need because I can't do it alone.

I know all of you can do it, you are not alone, this group has been wonderful. I also really recommend therapy, I made me see a lot.  

@kayc I remember my parents being so scared hearing me scream, begging for him to come back, now I just hide my feelings, it is much easier, I don't want to hear the same old things. I know they have great intentions but they can't understand, it is awful. Crying has been so reliving too, I feel so much better after doing it. 

@TameraSanders I am so glad you did that, a great gesture to leave those flowers there and remember him with love. Wonderful picture, It is a good place to visit. I am sure he's happy you did it. 

@kayc I don't like the word acceptance neither but I sometimes say things to try to believe it. I know I have not accepted him being gone because I am getting stuck in the process, I am so scared of being without him, I grew so much with him and I changed so much since he's gone, I know this is not who I used to be. 

@kayc I won't lie, I am still filled with anger but I am trying to understand that maybe his mission was completed, and that even though he was the love of my life, God only gave us the 2 years we knew each other. My boyfriend was very religious and I believe in God but I never went to church or anything, I just believed in Him. It is very difficult understanding a lot of things because I don't know a lot about the Bible, I just know that God won't ever do anything to hurt us, many may disagree but I just can't believe it. I believe He wants to make us stronger, He knows we can do this. 

@TameraSanders I wonder that too, why when we were the happiest, everything had to end, we where so young and full of aspirations. I am glad that he was doing something he loved in his last moments, I know it may not seem relevant but my boyfriend's death was very quick (sudden death) and doctors told me that it is the less painful way to go and I believe it is important that he was hiking (something he loved) because it would've been to traumatic for you to be with him. I appreciate a lot that you share your feelings and emotions here. 

Days get very difficult, I find darkness more difficult, the memories become stronger and there is so much more pain. Everyone is different. I understand that you don't want to talk to anyone, even if it is your son, do it, express your feelings and cry, it helps a lot. I struggle a lot with triggers too, everything is a trigger, school was the most difficult, I spend most of my time with him there, I still can't walk through the room where he passed away, I can't drive by certain places we used to go, I know we never lived together and many people will think our love was weaker but even at 20 and 22, our love was so strong and sincere. I was with the love of my life and that will never change. 

I know you miss him a lot and days become so shallow and meaningless, don't pressure yourself to get better, time will heal if you do the right things but right now, do what ever you want. You don't anything to anyone, you are in grief and anyone going through that understands how hard it is to even get out of bed and fake a smile. God gives the hardest battles to the strongest people, you can get through it. 

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The absolute worst part of my day is waking up.  I’ve been doing so in panic.  I don’t know how much of the reality I have to live I can keep taking.  I get hit with some bad memory now.  I’ve been so depressed my mind goes there.  Not something that was great and gives me the fuzzies to say, at least I had that.  When I shift to one, I get more bummed out.  I hate living in fear.  Fear of my mind, fear of my body, fear of the now and future.  Endless sleep sounds so good.  There isn’t one human being that needs me for anything in the world.  Doctors want to fix all kinds of things, some with extreme measures.  And for what?  Less pain and discomfort, yes.  But they can’t fix what’s not tangible. Now people really don’t want to get involved beyond their established friends or family because of the virus.  I think  about when Steve died and sooooo many people were upset.  Most of those same people would be upset if it had been me, but for HIM. I did have a couple people it would have impacted.  Everyone is gone now.  It’s strange knowing you’d only be noticed if someone heard about it in passing.  I’m still wondering about the timing of all this.  If ever I needed someone, it’s been this last year and poof!  My connections vanished.   This feels like some lab test to see how much it takes to break a person.

I agree, waking up is awful, you are forced to live,  I wake up searching for his text. I am so scared to, scared to live without him, people tell me I am so young and this is only an experience but he was my entire life, he was not a lesson nor a simple moment, he was the love of my life and I need him. 

I understand what you say, It is very difficult with the virus because we are more alone than we were before (if possible) but I think this time can be helpful to work on ourselves and look for motivation. You can do it ❤️

@TameraSanders I understand you think you could've done things differently but it is simply God's plan, it was his decision and we just have to accept it. It will take time, I am still in shock but I am working on it. I wonder a lot too, what would've happened if we finished med school, got married and had children, our dream. But It never happened, and I am stuck with impossible dreams and people that will never make me happy like he did. You need to have people by your side, I am horrible with sharing my emotions with people close to me but If you have the opportunity, talk about it, express your pain so they can be there for you. 

@kayc I know I will accept him being gone when I can start looking at memories with happiness and less pain, it is still so painful to even think about him.

@Gwenivere I feel the same way, I sometimes think life is better this way (isolation) because I don't have to fake a smile or socialize but I also have nothing to do and It gives me a lot of time to drown in my thoughts. 

@scba I would like to see that movie "Jackie". Since I am studying to be a doctor, I am always stuck with things from that moment that don't make sense to me: doctors told me because of his disease we would have been out of breath all the time, he would have had high blood pressure, headaches, dizziness. The problem is nothing of that ever happened in the 2 years I knew him. I am so confused, I guess life is so weird and I just hope someday I will understand all of this. 

@TameraSanders I am still in denial also. We were not moving together yet but I just wake up and look through my phone looking for his messages or calls. I get it, It is surreal, it is so painful, full of doubts about life and all I can tell you is you don't need to be okay right now, grief is about taking your time and doing it step by step. I know maybe you don't want to talk about a lot of what happened to you but therapy is something that I did since it happened, even before and I can tell you it has helped me a lot. There is a great movie called "the cabin". There is a great book called "The road of tears" by Jorge Bucay, it really helped me. 

@kayc It is true, I think all the time about it, I never did good things to have a wonderful life or be rewarded, but I just think to myself: I always help others, I consider myself a great daughter, friend, sister, girlfriend and when this happened to me I discovered life does not care how good we are, death can happen to anyone. The best always leave. 

@Kieron My boyfriend was wonderful, he was super close to his parents, family and he was a great friend and partner. He was so committed to become a doctor too and I just always admired his perfect soul. He always made me laugh and for me every minute by his side was pure heaven. I don't understand why that happiness had to leave.

13 hours ago, kayc said:

@TameraSanders  A beautiful picture of the two of you!  

Oh if only we could foresee the future!  But we can't.  We thought we had time, but we didn't.  We were supposed to grow old together!  This was not in the plans.  These are the words of all of our hearts here.  But neither could any of us prevent their deaths, no matter how hard we wish it.  Though that may be our dying wish...

We were here together, loved each other, were perfect together, why it couldn't have lasted longer like it is for so many others, I don't know, never got any answers to why anything.  Not sure there are any.

Our hearts go out to you.

I also struggle a lot with the questions that will remain unanswered. 

Being today the 10th month without him feels horrible, I feel numb, weak and frustrated, seems impossible to feel like this at the same time but it does and I am just so confused. 

@TameraSanders I don't think many people get the chance to meet the love of their life but you did and even though he's gone, that is something you can be grateful for. Of course I am mad, I am super angry at everything but I am not angry with him for leaving, nor am I angry with God, even if I have questions. Anger, desolation, hopelessness, anxiety, all of that is completely normal, tomorrow is my boyfriend's 10th month gone and I am still in disbelief, I was so happy, why did it have to end, but I am learning to stay here because of my parents and his parents, they love me and want to see me get better. You can do it ❤️

6 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

I was going to move to the town he lived in, 1.5 hours from where I lived.  We decided in early 2019 that was what we wanted, to be together.  But I hesitated, went back and forth about selling or keeping my house, tried to find work there before moving.  Why didn’t I just go for it when we decided.  We could have been together but I wasted time.  I thought we had time.  We’re only in our early 50s.  He was very fit.  I should have trusted God to work out all the details and just left to be with him.  I thought I was being practical and making smart decisions and choices but all it was was indecision and doubt and lack of faith that everything would be ok.  I could have already been with him and this would have never happened.

@TameraSanders It is a great picture, I am glad that you had wonderful moments and every single one is filled with a smile. I know you are full of regrets, maybe you wish you moved in with him earlier but trust me, thinking in all the possibilities will only hurt you, think in all the wonderful moments you had together, the laughs, the hikes you did, everything. It is a good thing you did not had to experience his death and causing even more trauma for you. It is something I struggle everyday, the image of him leaving.

Life is full of surprises but death is something that we all know will happen, we just never expect it when we are the happiest. Hold on to the great pictures, moments, to your family and every person that can make you feel better. 

@scba I am working in forgiveness, I have so much guilt of not doing enough and I am scared that this feeling will never leave. 

@Gwenivere I still think of all the "should"s. I often think: Why didn't I ever took him to the doctor to check his heart?, he was only 22 and every time he got the flu of his stomach hurt and we went to the doctor, nothing appeared, they said he was healthy, he needed an EKG but we never thought of it. I am full of regret but I know he would be sad to see me like this.

@Kieron Thank you for your message, I avoid a lot of places to because they remind me of him, I still can't visit the room in my house where he passed away. I am scared of everything really and I just wish this would end. 

6 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

I have the exact same story as smpl0409, only difference is my partner was 52, we don’t yet know the cause but it was sudden and unexpected, on 6/12, and we were together for 3 years.  We had longed for a devoted committed relationship for so long and finally found what we wanted for so long in each other.  He left that morning for a hike, something we had both become engaged in and the awesomeness awareness once we reached the pinnacle.  Richard was very active and fit and challenged himself to so many hiking miles this year.  It was not out of the ordinary for him to go on hikes alone.  I remember plainly that morning him saying “I love you”.  It was so special and gentle.  Not like any time he’s said it before.  Off he went.  He called a couple of times, the last being around 2 to let me know when he thought he would be back.  4 hours later there was a know at the door, the police looking for his next of kin.  Every sentient that smpl0409 shares is what I am now trying to find my way through.  I want to be where he is, right now.  All our plans to spend the rest of our lives together, gone.  All our short term plans for the summer, gone.  2 weeks before we looked at rings.  What do I do now?  My body is wasting away.  I can’t eat.  I can’t think.  My heart is broken and my soul is deflated.  We didn’t have enough time.

I am so sorry to hear your story, I don't know how long ago this happened but mine happened 10 months ago and It still feels like yesterday. In the autopsy, the doctors realized he had cardiomegaly, which caused the heart attack. I just could not believe it, how could someone had that at 22?. I find myself shocked even after going to therapy, taking medication and crying everyday. I know you feel hopeless, not knowing what happened, that is what I felt before the results came, even now I have so many questions. 

This feelings are totally normal, I stopped eating and even drinking water for weeks, I couldn't move, couldn't take a shower by myself, I couldn't even sleep alone. 

Love is beautiful and even though I hate couples (me being jealous), I know love exists because I met the love of my life at 18. I fight my thoughts everyday, thinking of everything that we could have lived, where we could have traveled, our wedding, our kids, everything. 

I know the age can mean a lot to some people but I came to realize love is love, even being young and what I can tell you is that you need to surround yourself with people that make you feel comfortable in your pain. I know you are tired of people telling you : "it gets better", "do it for him", "try", but use him as a motivation,  I still wish I was gone but I know that would crush my boyfriend's heart, knowing he could be here and I am not trying to move on. 

Share your feelings. I think we have a lot in common. 

7 hours ago, kayc said:

This morning as I donned my wedding band, I smiled, knowing it for what it is...a reminder that I once was loved, we shared the best, how all too short it was!  Just like you knew love and it was ripped away all too soon.  But we know we were loved and wherever they are, they love us still...no one can take that away.

I am left with that "I wish..." that never came true but I have to accept the reality, he is never coming back. I am glad those things make you remember the beautiful moments you had together and how much you loved each other. 

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

If you told him and showed him your love, he knew.  That is a doubt I hope you don’t have to carry.  There’s so many ways we tell them beyond words and intimacy.  Little things that speak louder than words. Things we might even do for others but take in a special meaning for our loves.  The perfect card, making a special favorite meal, buying something because you know they’d love it.  They’re always on our minds.  That is something I’ve never lost. I often see things I would have bought him or things I used to that were his favorite.  It’s hard to get that kick in the gut.  Even sitting here at this moment typing this was time we spent watching a movie after a dinner out because it’s saturday.  I never passed up a time to make sure he knew he was loved.  Even if it was teasing him or getting on him for leaving a mess.      His bathroom picture us covered in post it notes I left him.  Layers on layers.  All with a heart at the end.  

So if you loved him, which you did, he knew.  Just as I knew he did me by the very same things

 

I think the same, I think love is more than words, showing love is so easy when It is for someone you love. At first I was afraid that he left not knowing how much I loved him but then I realized that he totally knew, I loved him endlessly and I am just hopeful that he is in heaven full of that love that I gave him. You are totally right, those little things made the difference with your partner, we stay here with the memories that hurt so much. 

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Your deepest secret is one many of us have or have had.  That you see how it would impact your family is very caring on your part. It’s very hard to keep going forward when you just don’t care anymore.  I felt that when he died and very intensely this last year, when I hit 5.  As I said before, you were robbed of your plans of a future with him.  I was robbed of sharing what we built over a lifetime now that we were planning on kicking back and enjoying no responsibilities beyond what we chose.  I hope your therapy is helping with the guilt you often mention.  That is such a useless emotion in this circumstance.  If love couldhavecsaved him, it would have.  I know all of us had that and lost to nature anyway.  I don’t know what happens after they are gone, but to leave knowing you are loved has to make a huge difference.  When my time comes, I won’t have that.  Friends and children are important, but they are not.....him.  

I really did feel that all my plans are gone and I am just "surviving", it's awful not being able to talk to him and tell him how much I love him, I just hope he knew. 

Exactly, no amount of love can make me feel like he did and it is very painful knowing you won't ever feel like that. 

19 minutes ago, MartyT said:

 

I think that is one of the greatest benefits of a forum like this one. See Grief Support Online: An Invitation  ♥️

When I lost my partner, I never thought that I would be sharing this experience but knowing that I am not alone has made it so much easier. 

37 minutes ago, kayc said:

I reckon it's bearable or I wouldn't be here 15 years later but there's times I felt it was only just bearable. 

I'm glad therapy is helping.

Actually, getting to talk with people like you has helped me see that even though it never gets easier, life goes on and it is possible to get through this. 

39 minutes ago, scba said:

 

Of course you don't want to hurt anyone but you are feeling hurt and grief hurts very bad. I remember being so afraid to be abandoned by my closest friends because of my acute pain. I still feel that in some way. People was like what's wrong with you! I didn't dare to confess them that I woke up wishing to be dead to be with my boyfriend. 

With time only we reach to a place in which we can forgive ourselves, forgive others, and think differently about people in pain. That's what I meant to say. It is a slow process. Right now it's ok to not be ok. 

 

 

Exactly, I am afraid of losing everyone but I just don't care about anything that anyone has to say, I know it sounds selfish and arrogant but I just don't feel interested. My deepest secret is that too: Wishing being dead just to be by his side. The only reason that I stay is to not hurt my family, I see the pain my boyfriend's family is going through and I can't make my family live that. I have not come to terms with forgiving me but therapy has helped a lot with it.