jc1030

MJM, I am also new at this, having lost my father at the end of October. I can't even think of the next month, let alone the next few years. I'm actually afraid of the next few years. I'll be afraid of the fading memories. Maybe as time goes on I'll learn to cope a little better. But the experience of the loss will probably always sting. Jeff

Pebbles, In a many ways, I envy you in that you are still able to spend time with your dad right now. Even with all of his medical problems and the anticipation of loss, you are still able to talk to him or visit him. I know a a lot of people in the medical field tell me that if someone wants to go, they would rather suffer a stroke than to deal with cancer. While that may be true, it's no real consolation for the family members. Course, it's no consolation either way. I'm still sad that I never had the chance to have a final conversation with my dad in the end. I'm sad because I still remember the last conversion/semi-conversation I had with him talking about how dissatisfied I was at work. I know parents want their kids to be happy, and I'm sad knowing he took to the grave that I wasn't happy. Anyway, I hope you get to see you dad as often as possible. Jeff

Lori, I've been worrying about this ever since my dad died. Being an only child whom my parents had later in life, it's something that's always been on my mind, but now even more so. I'm more jittery now. I am hoping this will subside a little, but it's probably here to stay. Jeff

Lindsey, Although your boyfriend's words hurt, it is unfortunately the reality of what you'll be dealing with, especially with people who have not experienced the loss of a loved one. One of my friends told me when her father died 20 years ago, she was in the middle of her grief when one day her then-husband asked when she was going to get over it already. That was the beginning of the end of their marriage. It was only years later when her ex-husband finally lost someone close to him that he told her he finally understood what she went through. I have been very fortunate (and probably the exception to the rule) in that most of my friends have already lost a parent so they've been very understanding and I've been able to talk to them anytime. Bottom line is, what you've been experiencing during your grief has been normal, including the feelings of anger. If you can't find anyone in your family or circle of friends to talk to you, then hopefully there's a grief support group somewhere where you can join. Hang in there. Jeff

Lindsay, There's nothing unusual with what you are going through. Grieving for the loss of a loved one is very exhausting. When my father died, I didn't go to work for at least a week. I slept a lot, and yet I was still tired. Gradually I went back part-time, and then eventually full-time, although I still took a lot of days off. My office was actually surprised I returned so soon. My mom didn't go back to work for at least two weeks. Everyone deals with this differently. As Janine said, make time for yourself and take care of yourself. That is what's most important right now. Jeff

Lindsey, I understand missing a loved one. It's been over three months since my father died, and I realize now how much I miss him. Even with all of his shortcomings and problems he had in his later years, I wish he was still around. I wish I could just go home to visit my mom, and he would be there sitting in his study room; but then reality sets in and I have to realize again that he's gone. I sometimes ask why did life do this to me now, it's not fair. We all have learned the hard way that life isn't fair. All I can say is I hope you will find the inner strength within you to get through this. I can't even imagine actually losing a parent at 22. It's good that you come here to write out your thoughts. As I mentioned in your other posts, find time to take care of yourself, and take things day-to-day, hour-to-hour, even minute-to minute. The grieving process is very exhausting, so do it at your own pace. Do not let anyone tell you to get over this according to anyone else's timetable. Hang in there. Jeff

Thanks all for your take on this. Lori, I imagine as I get older and become more accepting that he's gone, maybe I'll let go more and more. We'll see I guess. As an only child I won't have any problems with dividing things among other family. Jeff

Hello everyone, I was wondering how people dealt with the issue of keeping the belongings of your loved one. I'm sure everyone handles this differently but just curious. How much do you keep, and how long do you keep things the same? When one of my friends lost his mom a few years ago, his dad basically started anew and threw out everything that belonged to his wife, and told his kids that if they wanted anything of hers, now's the time. When my dad died, my mom began cleaning the house of things. He had collected a lot of junkmail because his depression and paranoia unfortunately made him question everything, so it was no big deal to get rid of that. She's taking a gradual approach. Eventually we'll probably sell the car he was driving to a family friend. As for me, I'm keeping the clothes that he wore most often, a pair of his eyeglasses, and some other sentimental items. Jeff

Lindsey, So sorry for your loss. My father died more than three months ago, and it's still a shock. Grieving is a process that will take time. Most of what I wanted to say has been said. As others have pointed out, come back here anytime to talk and to express your thoughts while you are going through this painful journey. Jeff

Walleye, When my father died at the end of October, my parents' neighbors offered their help, whether it was someone to talk to, or to help run an errand. They also bought and made food for my mom. Maybe things like this can be a starting point for you. Hope this helps. Jeff

Marie, As people have said, it's day to day. Last week when I thought I was starting to transition a bit, I was feeling lost again. Recently, my mom and I had a bit of a cry. In my case, I was still thinking about one incident with my dad that I still kind of beat myself up over, and my mom was crying over the fact she's resentful of how life has turned out; wishing that my dad would've taken care of her instead of everything being the other way around. I can understand her resentment, especially when she had to deal with his worsening depression and paranoia. She was saying that maybe right now up in heaven there are moments when my dad is kicking himself and thinking of things he could've done differently. Of course, it's too late to change things, but if there's one thing my mom prayed for in the hospital was that she hopes he can watch out over us. Every night before I go to sleep I have a quick prayer. Actually it's more of a few minutes of silence hoping that my dad and the man upstairs will look after us. Jeff

Janine, I don't think my mom will have any problem finding interests, or the right "dance". That was the difference with my mom and my dad. Granted, my dad had his issues, but he was never really one who had a ton of interests, and as a result he would just simply stay home and sit around which would make his paranoia worse. As much as I miss my dad, I sometimes resent him for making my mom's life a living hell and for not getting help for a long time. Anyway, back to my mom. She had been involved in plenty of activities before my dad's stroke, and I know she'll resume them once again. Jeff

Lori, My mom's 72. She drives, and she's still working though retiring soon. So she's fairly active. She took two weeks off from work after my father died. I live pretty close to her, so if she ever needs anything I'll be there. Also, she talks to her other siblings (my aunts and uncles) all the time (she's one of six), and they are there to help her. AnnC, To be honest I'm not that surprised she doesn't need grief support. Just a guess, but to a certain extent I think my dad's passing has been somewhat more of a relief for my mom. In the last 10-15 years of my dad's life, the relationship between my parents wasn't very good. His depression and mental problems that made him extremely paranoid of the outside world (which got much worse after he retired) almost tore this family apart until he finally got on medication the last year and a half of his life; it didn't get rid of all his paranoia, but at least he didn't bother my mom every day. And over 20 years ago when he was in an accident that resulted in an amputated leg, he became more cut off from the world. I know most people would try to overcome the adversity, but his personality type always made him so negative and pessimistic so when it came to many things he didn't even bother trying. So while my mom did go through her share of grieving, she's been there more for me because I've been taking this a lot harder. With some of the things she's gone through and experienced in her life, I think she will be ok. Jeff

Hi Leann, I've been feeling kind of wiped out the past few days. In another post I mentioned my mom is now living by herself after an aunt left after staying for two and half months. I guess I've tired myself feeling anxious about it as this is unknown territory. I'm sure my mom and I will do fine after we adjust to this additional change. I still have a hard time concentrating at work. It shows when I'm unfortunately made to attend a meeting like today, and the boss then asks me for my input. Yikes. Jeff

Hi Marie, On the day my dad died, the chaplains had offered her their services in their support groups and she declined. She's actually been doing better than me. I'm the one who's been taking this really hard. I know that we'll eventually be ok. We have to be because it's just the two of us and we can't afford to get sick. My mom has also gotten a lot of help and support from family friends. My dad was one of four guys who became friends and had all met when he first came to this country for grad school, and he was the last surviving one. We still stay in touch with the family members, and they've helped my mom get through this. Jeff

Well, my aunt flew out yesterday. Certainly in the short run my parents' home was a little more quiet than before, but hopefully my mom will eventually adjust. I definitely told my aunt before she went through airport security that she can visit again.

Shell, Ann, Thanks. My hope is in a few months, my mom will start to entertain and invite people again, whether it's friends or relatives. That's the one thing that was missing the past few years. Sadly it was because of my dad's depression which resulted in his being suspicious of everyone that made the home very unwelcoming. It's sad (and I hate saying it) to think that it took my dad's passing to make the possibility of making my parents' home welcome to people again. Jeff

...will be the last one for my aunt to stay with my mom, and she will leave the area and then eventually return overseas. She had been staying with my mom since November and had arrived a few days after my dad died. Why am I mentioning this? Because for the first time since my dad died I admit I'm feeling a little bit scared and anxious. It'll now just be my mom and I. I live pretty close by, and my mom wanted my aunt to leave the area before the weather takes a turn for the worse, and she knew that sooner or later she has to learn how to live alone. She wants me to call her at night to checkup on her and to make sure things are ok, and I'll probably stay over now and then. I hope things will be ok, because god help me if anything happens to either me or my mom. We've already been subject to so much the past few months. I hope that the anxieties I'm feeling right now aren't so unusual. Jeff

Andrea, As others have said, every person grieves differently. When my dad had his stroke, I felt numb but didn't cry as my mind was probably processing the reality of the situation. About two days later it finally hit me as to how bad the stroke was, and when he died four days after he had the stroke, it really hit me, especially when I watched the hospital machines that kept track of his vitals finally showing him fading away. It's been a little over two months, and I will have moments when it'll just hit me, usually always in private, and I'll start grieving. At this point I've decided if I lose control I'll lose control and let the grieving process run its course. Anytime I have a moment where I have an old memory come up, I will lose it. Right now, the one thing that really hits me is the reality that my mom and I have to look after one another even more so, which is interesting considering in my dad's final years he wasn't really a part of the family per se as he usually kept to himself, but at least you knew he was there. Hang in there. It's still going to be a rollercoaster ride. You'll have your better days, and your real bad days. Right now it's been raining where I live so maybe that's why I've been feeling a little down than I have been. All I can say is hopefully you'll get through it as each day passes. Jeff

Pebbles, Sorry to hear about your dad. All I can suggest to you is at this point if possible try to spend as much time with him as possible or talk to him as much as possible. My father died suddenly of a stroke and I never had the chance to talk to or spend more time with him before it happened; I'm still very sad knowing he was ripped away from me so quickly. Jeff

Haley, I don't have any advice to give you, just to mention my experience. After my father died at the end of October, my mother and I decided to have him cremated, and we buried his cremains at a local cemetary where they have a cremation gardens section to bury cremains. Fortunately the cemetary is pretty close by so my mom and I can visit him as often as we'd like, and it is a wonderfully maintained area (it's only 50 years old) so that loved ones can feel some peace when visiting departed ones. As Marty and shell have said, ultimately it's a personal decision as to what you do with cremains. Jeff

It's only been a few days into 2007, but people were right when they said it's going to be a rollercoaster ride. As much as I'm glad it's the new year, I've actually been experiencing more episodes of sadness. I can only guess that it's because I'm coming to the realization that this will be the first full year without my dad, at least in the physical world of this earth. Hopefully, things will get better, but I'll let my grieving run its course.

Trudy, The book's written by Bill and Judy Guggenheim. Here's their website. Jeff

...good riddance. Anything that was good, fun, and generally enjoyable about 2006 will forever be overshadowed by my dad's stroke and death, and those four awful days at the end of October. I can only hope that 2007 will be better. Of course, I will have to deal with the hurdle that is Father's Day, and then the one-year anniversary of his passing. I hope my dad is up there enjoying the company of family and friends who passed away before him, and maybe once in a while look down upon the earth to watch out for me and my mom. I have to be strong for my mom. Being the only child I can't afford to have anything bad happen to me. That doesn't mean I change all my routines, but I'll make sure to be a bit more careful. Anyway, be safe everyone. Hope 2007 is better for all of us. Jeff

Hi Shell, Some of my friends told me that maybe this was just a routine that my dad liked in his final years; that it wasn't necessarily an indication of a lack of quality of life. Maybe they're right I suppose. If there's one thing he doesn't have to deal with any longer it was his depression issues that just made life miserable for him at times if he wasn't on his medication. Anyway, just rambling a bit. All I can say is I'll be glad when 2006 is over. For me, this year it won't be about a Happy New Year but a good riddance to the previous year, which is unfortunate. All the good things and good times that happened to me and my family will be forever overshadowed by those four days at the end of October. The new year is going to be an interesting journey as the first full one without my dad. Jeff