jc1030

Hello @Sara7, reading your post is reminding me of what I'm dealing with right now. My mother died at the end of July, and I have been staying at the family home since I started caring for her during the last months of her life; a house which I hope will become mine once the estate process goes completely through. It's overwhelming right now to be surrounded by photos and memories. One night I decided to look at the old family photo albums for the first time in years and suffice to say I became an emotional mess. Recently I had a locksmith open a cabinet because I couldn't find the key, and it was also filled with memories. To see photos of her when she was much much younger made me even more of a mess. Like you and everyone else in this group, hopefully the journey will take me to a place where I will look at photos of her and remember back to the happier times once the pain subsides.

Hi @kayc, yes fortunately I have friends that I have been meeting up with regularly. Even my mom's friends periodically contact me to see how I'm doing. I don't expect them to do it all the time since I realize they have lives of their own, but I hope in the future I can stay in touch with them since they were so thankful for my mom's friendship and tried to help as much as they could during her illness. It's been so sad that COVID-19 created this perfect storm that I couldn't have family or friends around (her friends would bring food for her but would just drop it off to avoid any physical contact), and I can't even arrange any kind of service for her right now. Her last wish was to be buried next to her mother, and my grandmother is buried on the west coast. So for now I am holding onto her ashes until a time I can make the arrangements.

Hello everyone. It's been quite a while. I'm not new to this discussion board, but it's been a very very long time since I've posted anything. I first joined when my father died back in 2006, and I guess as time went on I started living my life again (not because I didn't want to be here). But now I'm dealing with grief again. At the end of July my 85-year old mom died after a brief battle with ovarian cancer. She was diagnosed at the beginning of the year, and by the time they found the cancer it was already too advanced that the doctors decided surgery was not in her best interest. They had hoped chemo and other treatments would be able to manage it, but in the end it was too much for her body to take. During this time I was her sole caregiver (with some hired help), and it was painful to watch her deteriorate. It was my first experience with cancer. To the best of my knowledge there was no family history of the disease but I guess when you reach a certain age all bets are off. It was sad to watch how cancer can turn someone who was strong and independent all her life into someone who virtually could not do anything for herself in the end. The experience has left me sad and exhausted because I have no other family in the area of the US I live in. All of my relatives are scattered all over North America and overseas and stayed away because of COVID-19. The caregiving experience also left me a bit resentful because although my relatives live far away some of them couldn't help themselves and lectured me about what I should do. Despite what people have told me, there are times when I still question myself if I did enough as a caregiver and if I made the right choices. I still think of the times I got frustrated with my mom even though it wasn't meant to be that way; I know I shouldn't beat myself up but at the moment I can't help it.

Emptyinside, After reading your post, I thought this was exactly what I went through right after my father died. For several months, I too did not find much of anything to be enjoyable, and my immediate thoughts were always how dare I enjoy life when a loved one has died. It's amazing the impact of guilt when it takes over your thought processes. There were still some interests that I continued to do, but it wasn't so much out of enjoyment as it was to take my mind off of things for a brief time. Gradually I began to once again resume doing things out of a bit of enjoyment. Ultimately, as leann said, it's in your own time that you begin to once again decide to live again. It's been two years for me, and while I'm a little better, I still have some moments of feeling do I have any right to enjoy my life. Jeff

Elle, At this time I can only tell you about my experience. It's been a little over two years since my father died. It's still a shock, and even though he lived to almost 83 years, it still wasn't enough time. Overall, I have gotten better as the pain has lessened, however the grieving process is still there, and whatever sense of security I had is now gone; that could explain the stress and feelings of uncertainty I experience almost every day. Sometimes I think about a moment in time during the 36 years I had my dad on this earth; some moments give me comfort, some give me moments of sadness. When I go home to check up on my mom, I still see many of my dad's belongings and the waves of sadness come over me. While my mom is still generally in good health, you can't help but wonder if something bad can happen. Like you, I'm an only child. My parents had me late in life, and that can be hard because for years I looked around me and felt I saw most in my age group enjoy life and not have to worry about certain things such as dealing with aging parents as early as I had to. As others have already pointed out it's a learning process and a journey that you will slowly go through. Will it eventually get better? Yes it will, but there is no exact amount of time as to when it gets better, and do not let anyone tell you that there's an exact timetable to get through this. Your loss is still very raw right now and what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. You will go through all the firsts as you said in going through the first Christmas without your mom. It will be hard, but you will make it through. Be easy on yourself, and take things slowly. Jeff

It's been a little over two years since my dad passed away. I'm getting better in dealing with my grief, but it can still be a rollercoaster ride at times. Message boards like this helped me in the first months, as well as the support of my friends who have all lost a parent so I was lucky in that sense that they knew exactly what I was going through.

Last year was my first Father's day without him, and I really dreaded it. I was relieved when I got through it. This year I still dread it, although not quite as much as the first time. I'll probably go visit his gravesite early in the morning. So much has changed since his passing I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to breathe. Almost like that was the catalyst for everything that has happened since. I'll get through it once again, and I'll definitely be relieved when all the ads go away for another year. Jeff

Joy, What you're going through is normal. My father's been gone now for more than a year and a half, and I still have my moments where I'm thinking the same thoughts as you. Eventually you will learn to move forward, although that varies with each individual. So take it easy on yourself as you've just started your journey, and best of luck. Jeff

Cindi, What I have learned is that it's not all that unusual for people to not want to hear you after you lose a loved one. It's either because they can't identify since it hasn't happened to them, or it's because they don't want to hear it because it reminds them of their's and their family's eventual mortality. I was lucky when my father died October '06. Most of my friends have lost a parent so I was able to talk to them. Sadly, my situation is likely more the exception to the rule. Take your time with your grief. That's the most important thing. Don't let anyone tell you how long to take. And you have this board. Jeff

Lori, Sounds fascinating. Maybe this might be something I'll someday consider. I guess it's because it still bothers me that my father died so quickly and suddenly and I never had the chance to say goodbye. I saw a program about mediums last weekend which is making be believe more and more in these kind of communications. I'll have to someday look into if there are mediums who live in the Maryland and DC area. Jeff

I wish everyone a better new year, if not necessarily a happy one, especially to those who lost loved ones in 2007. As someone who lost a loved one the previous year and has gone through a year of the loss, I don't have any special revelations other than to let it run its course. Sometimes it'll be painful, sometimes you'll think back to better days, but it's a process, and make sure you go through your own timetable. Nobody, and I mean nobody has the right to tell you that you need to get over it already. Anyway, here's to a better 2008. Jeff

Theresa, It's only been a few weeks. My father's been gone since October of last year, and it's still hard. The grieving process is very exhausting. Over time, you eventually learn to move forward (and I stress move forward, not move on). I never tell someone that they'll get over it. IMO, there's no such thing as getting over the death of a loved one. The first year's the hardest because you have to go through all the firsts. Anyway, I hope things will eventually start to get better for you. Jeff

Teresa, I am glad you had the chance to photograph him before he passed away. This was one of the regrets I had around the time my father died. I didn't have any recent pictures of him. Fortunately, about a year before he died, he had a visit from the wives of his long-departed friends, and they had taken some pictures of him which they gave me copies of at his funeral service. I don't look at those pictures that often anymore, but I've at least scanned them so I'll always have them. Jeff

Today I went to visit my dad at the cemetary. I left some flowers that my mom was growing. It's hard to believe that it's been a year. I'm sad, and yet there are times I'm more angry than I was when my dad diedl I guess I shouldn't feel angry, but when I think about the things that I wish my dad had done than what actually happened, that's where some of the anger comes from. Just a mix of emotions. Well, my mom and I have survived the first year. Hopefully this is the first step to moving forward with our lives.

It's been a long time since I last posted here. I've been dealing with some majors things in my life that I haven't had the chance to post anything until now, although I lurk once in a while. The end of next month will be a year since my father died. I can't believe how quickly time has passed. Sometimes life has a way of keeping you busy that you don't really notice it at first, and then it hits you just like that once that date arrives. Having gone through almost a year, have things gotten easier? To be quite honest, not really. Anyone who tells you that you get over it in a year has either not gone through grief, or they're a freak of nature. Not a day goes by that I wish I had more time with him. The prevailing thought in my mind these days is how I wish I had one more week with him, even if I knew it was the last week to spend time with him, to do activities that we hadn't done in years, and to let him know that I loved him, something I didn't say enough when he was alive. I can only say that to him now when I visit the cemetary. They say things happen to you in life in threes. For me it was my father's death, which still hits me hard although I try to take solace in that he has found peace; unhappiness in my job, which can eventually remedied, although I wish my father were around to talk to him about this; and dealing with a move to a new place. I always thought to myself this year will be better. While it's beginning to look that way, I didn't realize that life was going to give me a kick in the backside as part of the process. Well, that's it for now. Take care everyone. Jeff

Shell, After my father died, I finished up some food items he had bought shortly before his stroke such as a bag of bagels, a bottle of grape juice, and a bottle of apple cider. For a long time, I developed a regular taste for them. I always like bagels, grape juice and apple cider, but more so during this time. Maybe I thought in a strange sense it was a way for me to reconnect with him. Anyway, I guess these were the odd eating habits I had for a time. Jeff

Hello everyone, My mom and I decided to have a quiet, low key day. We visited the cemetary in the morning to avoid the 90+ degree heat later in the day. Even though it's coming up 8 months, it's still like everything happened yesterday. I helped my mom rearrange some of the house again, and then we had a quiet dinner. I know that a part of me inside didn't want to help her with the rearranging of the house, but another part of me realized that it's not like we were throwing things out. Anyway, that was really it and at least I made it through. Everyone around told me (and they were right) that the first one's always tough. Whether the second and later ones will be any easier remains to be seen, but at least this is a small step in moving forward in my life. I hope once in a while he'll check up on us from up there. Jeff

Lori, I have to say that growing up I had always felt closer to my mom than my dad. Maybe there were various reasons for it during my life such as when he was working, or the fact that he was the disciplinarian, his tendency to get angry as a solution to life's problems, etc. Maybe this isn't all that unusual. As Father's Day approaches, I am growing even sadder. I think one of the reasons, other than the fact that it's going to be my first without him, is that I felt I wasn't able to have a closer relationship with him in his final years because of his depression and mental problems that was tearing the family apart. When he finally got some help, he then had his stroke and he was gone, and it saddens me he didn't get to enjoy life a little bit more after he got his medication. At this point, I can only hope he has found peace from the demons that ravaged his mind in the last 10 years of his life. Jeff

Hello everyone, As many of you were dreading Mother's Day, I'm already bracing myself for the when June 17th approaches, and dreading it. Yesterday when I went to shopping after work, I was already seeing signs for Father's Day and immediately saddened by it. The last few years of my father's life on Father's Day, he didn't want me to buy any gift for him. At that point in his life, he wasn't interested in material belongings. All he wanted me to do was to cook him a nice meal, which I did. And now I can't even do that anymore. I know the first one without him will always be the toughest. Hopefully every successive one won't hurt as bad, but I'll deal with it when I get to that point. Thanks for listening. Jeff

Anne, I sometimes wonder if my dad, who's been gone for over half a year now, is watching over me and my mom. As for sensing whether he's around me and my mom, I don't really know to be honest. I think I may have had some dreams in which I thought I saw him, but because it was so fleeting I couldn't tell. I'm at a point right now where I think I'm still not very accepting of the fact that he's gone, and maybe there are times when I'm trying too hard to hope for some kind of sign or communication. Maybe he's taking his time reuniting with relatives and friends who passed on before him, and when he's ready (or more importantly, I'm more ready in accepting his passing), he will appear. Jeff

Hi everyone again, Sorry if I sound like I'm rambling on this subject. Last weekend when I was checking up on my mom and helping her out around the house, it just saddened me that I was looking at all the things that my parents collected over the years, and knowing there was one member of the family who was no longer there to enjoy them. All the years. All the memories. Many things that belonged to my dad since even before I was born. I imagine this is what a lot of people feel when a loved one dies. I think maybe it's starting to really hit me that my dad's gone. I wonder to myself what am I going to do with all these things, especially when the day comes when it's just me. Jeff

Pebbles, I remembered when I went back to work after my father's funeral service, albeit on a part-time basis for a week, it was pretty difficult, although there were moments when I actually made myself busy enough to forget about his passing for an hour or two. Since his death came so close to the holiday season, I didn't go to any of the holiday parties. Just didn't feel like celebrating anything; I still don't to be honest. I think what made returning to work difficult was the attitude of my boss, who apparently assumes that everyone thinks the way he thinks, and if he can get over things quickly, he assumed I would just get over my father's death at the snap of a finger, and he cited how he moved on with his life after the man who was his father-figure growing up had also recently passed. That's fine and dandy, but it didn't make me work any harder for him. Fortunately, most of my other colleagues were much more understanding. I agree with Lori, it's just going to take time, and don't let anyone tell you that there's a timetable to get over it. Jeff

Hello Shell, I hope your mom's doing better. I noticed you had replied to someone who had replied to my thread in the General Grief Topics section about my journey so far. I'll assume you read a little bit of what I had written. That's pretty much what's been going on with me. Don't be a stranger and come back here more often when time permits! Jeff

Hi Everyone, I recently helped my mom move out a few more things and reorganized the house a little more. We got rid of the bed that my dad slept on for many years, and it was difficult for me. Sure, in the general scheme of things it was only an old bed, but it was something that was in the house for as long as I could remember. Just another step in this process that I have to go through. Now that it's gone, I'll just have to start getting used to it not being there anymore. Jeff

The end of this month will be half a year since my father died. Hard to believe that it's gone by this quickly. Right now, it's sad and upsetting for me to think that when 10, 20, 30 years elapse, he won't be there (at least on this earth) to witness whatever else will happen for me, good and bad. Last month, I got into my first major argument with my mom since he died. It started with something so minor about the desk my dad used in his study room, and that my mom wanted to give it away since I initially said I didn't want it. Eventually I think what triggered everything is the fact that I'm still grieving, and it feels like everyone else is moving forward and they expect me to move forward at the same time and at the same pace. Anyway, the desk will be mine once I move into a bigger apartment. Finally, I still haven't really been able to forgive myself. I think this comes from the fact that he died so suddenly and I never got the chance to make any kind of final peace with him. Again, not that there were any major issues between the two of us, but I wish I had that last conversation with him. Because I have no idea if I'll be able to ever see him again once it's my turn to leave this earth. I've been visiting my dad's gravesite every couple of weeks since his marker was placed. It's sad yet comforting at the same time. I hope he's found the peace that he wasn't really able to attain the last few years of his life when his depression, paranoia and other mental problems worsened.