jc1030

Well, I recently finished reading Hello From Heaven. Interesting book. I know there are always going to be skeptics when it comes to ADC's, but with the number of people who have talked about experiencing one, it's just seems to much to be just a coincidence. I think there are plenty of things in this world that we can't just simply explain rationally, and this is coming from someone who had a scientific background education-wise. Thanks to Lori for the recommended reading. As to whether I'm ready for an ADC from my dad, probably not. Course, it's probably not for me to decide when it will happen (if it'll ever happen).

Hello everyone, I have to say that I'm kind of relieved that this Christmas weekend is almost over. On Christmas Eve I visited my dad's grave, which was pretty hard. The cemetary was beautiful though with everyone bringing holiday-colored flowers as well as wreathes and mini-trees. I stayed for a few minutes and then went home to see my mom and aunt (who came to stay with my mom shortly after my dad died). Staying at home was really hard. I broke down whenever I saw something that belonged to my dad; his study room whith the chair that he always sat on; a bed that he slept on; even a pen or pencil that he used. It's still hard to believe that he's gone. My mom tried to give me some comforting thoughts in that she believed that he heard what we said to him when we were with him at the hospital. I can only hope that was the case. I wonder if next year will be a little better. Guess I'll worry about that when the time comes. Take care everyone, Jeff

It's going to be almost two months since my dad died, and it still hasn't truly sunk in. Right now, I keep thinking about many moments I had with him; not just the major events of our lives, but also little things and interactions when I was young and when I was older. Having said that, there are moments when I wonder if it was just his time. In his final years, he never really left the house other than to go out once in a while to the grocery store, drugstore, and library. So I'm thinking whether his stroke wasn't necessarily a bad thing because the quality of life was not really there. Course, it's kind of horrible for me to think this, yet there are brief moments when I feel a little relief. Obviously, the family member who dies no longer worries about anything; it's the rest of the family that has to pick up the pieces. I know I still have a lot of grieving to do. I can only hope that my dad and the man upstairs can see that, and I hope to someday get a sign from my dad that I don't have to grieve for him as much anymore. Jeff

AnnC, I know what you mean. Even though I was with my dad when he died at the hospital, my mom and I viewed his body in the funeral home because Maryland state law requires positive identification. It was realy hard to view my dad when he was prepared for cremation and we were viewing him. Someone who was alive a week and a half before was suddenly gone, and now he laid in a peaceful state, never to wake up again. It's still only been a month and a half (almost two) months since he died, so I'm still in shock at all the events that took place. Hang in there. Jeff

Kittylove, It's too bad that you don't have friends who can relate. When my dad had his stroke and died, I was fortunate to have some friends who have already gone through the death of a parent, so I could talk to them. As Paul told me in my thread about insensitive people, there are the people who get it and those who don't get it, and there are some people like my boss who gets it, yet at the same time doesn't. It's a strange world we live in. Jeff

Maybe you're right KittyLove, that my boss was well-intentioned, but he still needs to learn how to deliver his message. Again, it's because he assumes everyone else around him thinks just like him. For now, the less I have to deal with him the better.

Last week, if it weren't for the fact this man is my boss, I would've been tempted to punch him. When he walked by my office he caught me in a moment where I thought about my dad, and he came into my office to tell me to cheer up. Naturally I wasn't exactly thrilled with his lecture. Then he pointed out that the man who was his father-figure in his life had recently passed away although it wasn't unexpected. One thing I always knew about my boss is that he expects people to think just like him; to read his mind; and he's not exactly the most tactful person in the world. It's nice to know that he knows how to deal with the death of a loved one, but unlike him, my dad's death was my first experience, and I didn't realize that there was a timetable to get over it. Maybe his heart was in the right place, but his approach was wrong. At least in my opinion it was. One of my friends told me that when her father died 20 years ago, she would hold off her grieving until she got home from work, and then one day her then-husband came out and asked her to get over it already. He hadn't yet dealt with the loss of a close loved one, and this was the starting point for the disintegration of their marriage. I'd be curious if he has finally had the chance to deal with this in his life and perhaps have a different perspective on the issue. On the whole, I would like to think most people are understanding, even those who have not dealt with the death of a loved one, but it's frustrating to deal with those ocassional people who, for whatever motive or agenda, decides that people should "get over it already". Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Jeff

jonquil, I'm sorry for your loss. It's been over a month and a half since I lost my dad to a stroke, and it doesn't get any easier. Thanksgiving was tough, and I'm also bracing myself for Christmas, my first without my dad. How will we get through the holidays? We're going to eventually find out. Hang in there. Jeff

Paul, You're probably right, perhaps the frustration came out of the fact my dad was old and had to work harder towards remembering the more common things in life. It definitely appeared he was senile, but I don't think it was dementia since I had no problem having a lot of conversations with him. This was hard since he was an educated man up to the doctorate level, although where I work, I have definitely encountered a lot of people who are educated but not necessarily knowing the ways of common sense life things. KL, I am trying to think of the many good times that I shared with my dad, and even though he never regained consciousness I hope he could feel my presence and that I was there as much as possible when he was in the hospital in his final days. No child would do this if they didn't love their parent. I suppose as time goes on and a few months have passed I won't beat myself up as much. We'll see. Jeff

KL, It's only been a month and a half since my dad died. How do I motivate myself every day? To be honest, I don't know. I remembered the first week I returned to work (on a half-day basis), and naturally I wasn't into working. Barely got anything done. Not to mention how hard it was to get up everyday with the dark cloud hanging over my head of my loss. I still don't get a lot of things done, but it's a slow and gradual process. Maybe it's that inner strength thing that people talk about that subconsciously says you're going through a very sad time in your life, but I need to keep you going; I won't push you hard in the beginning, but gradually I need to push you more and more each day. Maybe it's also because I need to do it for my mom. She's pushed forward in her life, I should do the same. I certainly still have my moments where I cry, and these days I like being in the company of people more often than I used to be; not to necessarily talk about my dad, but to hangout and interact. Hope this makes sense. Jeff

Well, it wasn't too bad, but it was tough once I entered the hospital and began to take the steps that I took many times from the ground floor to the ICU. Every step got tougher and tougher, but I finally made it and gave the staff the gifts. The room where my dad was in and died was occupied. But I did it. The nurse tried to comfort me as much as possible and wanted me to remember the good times and to try as much as possible to have a good holliday time.

And to visit the ICU where my dad died. I plan to give the unit a Christmas present to show my gratitude for the care they gave my dad in the last four days of his life, and to give some individual gifts to the chaplains who were there when I needed people to talk to. I'm slowly mustering up the courage right now. It has to be very hard for the staff at times especially when they see people lose loved ones. It's funny, on the same floor of the hospital where the ICU is, on the other end is the maternity ward. One the one end, you have the celebration of new life, and on the other you have a place where many people spend their final days. I remembered having to walk by the maternity ward every time I needed to use the elevators, and I just could not get myself to be happy for the families who were welcoming a new life onto this earth.

Andrea, I'm sorry for your loss and I can understand what you're feeling. I'm still in shock over my father's death from a stroke. Other than his high blood pressure and some depression issues, he appeared at 82 to be reasonably healthy for his age. I last saw him a week and a half before, and then just like that he was gone. Intellectually, I knew that sooner or later I was going to face up to the day something happened to him. For the last 13 years starting when he turned 70, I worried about him, yet when it finally did happen I was caught offguard. Nothing can ever prepare you for the moment. The doctors told me and my mom that he at least didn't feel any pain. Everyone around me has told me it will take time. I have friends who have lost a parent, so they have counseled me through what they've gone through. Don't ever let anyone tell you about a set timetable to get over your loss. You grieve at your own pace. It's been over a month since my dad died, and although I do not grieve 24 hours a day, I breakdown everytime I go home to visit my mom, especially when I see things that belonged to my dad. What you're feeling right now is completely normal. As each day passes, hopefully things get a bit better, but there's no rush. As others have said, take things a day at a time. Jeff

Thanks. I'll be sure to check these out. I got the book Lori mentioned at a local library today. I guess the subject is somewhat important to me right now since I didn't have the chance to talk to my dad before his stroke, and that he never regained consciousness before he died, so I don't know if he heard me or not the times I spoke to him when I was at his side in the hospital. Again, thanks for the links.

Thanks Lori, I'll check it out. I probably shouldn't expect anything too soon. Perhaps it's because part of me still isn't fully accepting my dad's passing as it's only been over a month.

Shelly, This isn't the same experience, but when my dad died, I took a drive through the old neighborhood I lived in and had to see the house I grew up in for the first 10 years of my life. Even though it's been 26 years since I lived in that house, I have to take a look at it on occasion. The man who bought the house has made a ton of changes, but it's still a comforting sight now and then. And now that my dad is no longer around, even more so. Last I saw the house, it was up for sale. Hopefully in the future when I pass by to look at it, the new owners won't be freaked out. Jeff

Shubom, I'm new to these boards, but reading what you wrote I am feeling the same exact things right now. My father died at the end of October, and so far it's been difficult to go through Thanksgiving, and I'm sure Christmas will be rough. Although my dad was not an active participant in these events the last few years of his life, at least I knew he was there. Now that he's gone from this physical world, it's hard. Jeff

Hi Paul, Shell, Thanks for the responses. Fortunately, my mom is still alive. I think what I've learned so far from my dad's passing is to not take anything in life for granted, and I have been indeed feeling more tense and anxious as I worry about my mom's well-being more and pray to god that nothing bad happens to her. Nowadays, whatever differences I had with my mom are now put aside. I would like to think I was close enough to my dad that we didn't have any major differences. I mentioned in my first post yesterday in the Loss of a Parent Section that I look back at some of the conversations I had with my dad earlier this year, and I regret starting some of them even though he accepted my apologies without hesitation. That was probably the sign that the relationship was strong enough. I wish I had more chances to talk to him. I try not to beat myself up about these things, and perhaps it's because everything that happened is still so fresh in my mind. Jeff

Sam, My dad died the end of October. I'm still trying to get used to the fact he's gone because he died so suddenly from a stroke. If there's one thing I really miss, it's the sound of his prosthesis when he was walking around. For 23 years, I got so used to the clicking sound of his artificial leg when he walked around whenver I visited my parents, and now that it has been slienced, it's even more upsetting. The one thing that's comforting me is an old message he left on my answering machine in my apartment. I can at least hear my dad's voice once in a while. My ultimate hope is that I will see him in a dream or a vision where he'll let me know that he's alright now and that I don't need to worry about him anymore. Take care, Jeff

Hi everyone, I'm new here since I recently suffered a loss. When my dad was in the hospital, and eventually died, there were points when I thought the world around me seemed really strange. Everything was real, and yet it wasn't. Whether it's my friends, my job, the food I eat, my belongings, there are times they don't feel like they're real. Not to sound like a sci-fi nerd, but it's almost like I'm going through a universe shift from the world when my dad was alive to a new dimension without him. And there are moments when it looks like the colors of everything around me have changed. Am I crazy, or have others experienced the same thing? Jeff

Libby, I'm new here and a little late into the discussion, but I've been more of a worrier since my dad died at the end of October. My mom is still very healthy at her age, but I can't help but get jittery and worry about her general well-being everyday. Course, I need to tone this down or I might drive myself to sickness. But it's probably not all that unusual. Take care. Jeff

Chrystal, I'm going through the same thing right now. My dad died on October 30th, and I have moments where I'm occupied, and then the thought hits me and tears start to run down my face. Whenever I visit my mom, I sometimes expect that my dad would be in his study room reading the paper and he would smile when he see me, and then I realize that will never happen again. I cry when I see anything that belonged to him. It's still upsetting because of how quickly it happened. Many have told me that the grieving process will take time, and there is no timetable for someone to grieve. As each day passes I will probably get better, but there's nothing wrong with having an outburst at the most unexpected times. Jeff

Hi everyone, New to the boards. My dad died at the end of October from a stroke. It's still a shock right now and I still relive the worst 4 days of my life in my mind. It's been real hard to lose a loved one at this time of the year. Thanksgiving was tough; I imagine Christmas and New Year's will be a rough stretch as well. I also visited my dad's gravesite this past week because Tuesday was his birthday. I also summoned the courage to look at old family photos. It's kind of sad knowing how quickly 36 years have passed. I have these feelings of guilt whenever I think of some of the conversations I had with my dad earlier this year where I wasn't patient enough with him when I should've known at 82 some of his thought processes weren't as quick as they used to be. Even though I apologized to him and he didn't hesitate to accept it, I feel bad about starting it to begin with. It's also tough that I didn't see or talk to him one last time. I last saw him a week and a half before his stroke, and when I returned from vacation, the stroke happened a few days later. I know I couldn't have predicted this, but I can't help but feeling this way even though many have told me not to beat myself up about it. I hope this isn't unusual during the grieving process. Anyway, thanks for listening to me. Jeff