nashreed

Thanks. Her doctor shed light on a different angle that I knew about- but it made it just another confusing layer. So many things about that night don't make any sense. I absolutely have no fear of death, just pain. I'd love to go in my sleep. I just want to be with her. I know she's in a good place. I often feel guilty that I'm not bed crying my eyes out. I had a few short crying bursts early on. Is it because I didn't love her enough? I think I'm just emotionally distanced. I was totally different with my wife. Here, with my family, who aren't affectionate or wanting to talk about anything deeper than Dancing With The Stars, I've reverted back to being emotionless. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Your signature quote makes me wonder if I didn't love her enough, although I am certainly miserable. I just wish I had somebody real, face to face, to talk to about all this. Even her father, who lives here in town, isn't really willing to go into anything deep. He's religious and is just all about "She's in Heaven with Jesus and it's God's will" etc. So, yeah, it's a lonely, lonely time. At least venting here helps. Thanks. Even though I don't know you all personally, it helps to have a forum.

Thanks. I actually reached out to her doctor (through the patient portal) because there's still so many things that don't make sense about the night she passed. He gave me a different reason for what he thinks caused it, and I just don't know if it even helps or if its made it worse. I am in a very dark and lonely place. I truly, truly do not want to live anymore. As far as I can see, there's nothing to live for. Nothing seems to matter and nothing really gives more than fleeting enjoyment. I miss our old life and I miss everything about her. My family just annoys the hell out of me and it's not their fault. I'm just a ghost, hoping life ends soon.

I wish there was good in my life today. I can say I truly hate my life now. I live back home with my mother and brother, so it's like I'm a teenager again, except I'm an achy 50 year old, so I'm trying to keep a whole house of memories with my wife in my little childhood room. I can't talk to them about my feelings and my loss of her- they always resented my leaving. My brother is 54 and has never had a relationship, so I'm living the fate that would have befell me if Annette had not saved me from it. They're not bad people, they just really don't have empathy and they want me to be over it already. I have no real friends, nobody I can talk to and rely on. It was always just me and Annette against the world. I miss our life, our world. I'm just existing day to day, but I have no hope for a future- all I have is the past. My family lives in the past as well, for different reasons.

Thank you for your observations. I really hear you Kieron. My wife and I had a joke that her song was one by Toad The Wet Sprocket called "Something's Always Wrong" because, literally there was always a new pain or symptom. She didn't deserve such pain and hardship. I can't help but kick myself for not making her get a glucose monitor that is wearable, but she was her own person and she felt that she could take care of herself like always, even though I had come home a couple of times and found her low. I should have pushed harder. It's so difficult to not regret choices, but I loved her and wanted her to be happy and I didn't want to take away her freedom- she felt like she was smothered as it was, because I was always nagging her about drinking water, getting enough sleep, etc. etc. etc. I would be so worried about the coming fall and winter, because just the two months of COVID she did experience was hard. I still am so angry and resentful about the two weeks she was in the hospital a few weeks before she passed that I couldn't visit. Time lost forever.

Hello. I wanted to ask everybody how you handle guilt with the passing of your loved one? I still dwell on the guilt that I feel, that I could have done more for my wife. She had so many health problems and I used to stay awake trying to diagnose every new symptom on the internet. I feel so, so terrible admitting this, but there were times that she was in so much pain, and she used to hallucinate because of either the medications she was on or her sleep apnea, that I used to think "Maybe it would be better if she passed". She used to just set her head on the bathroom doorjam and cry and say she didn't know if she could go on. Now I feel like I willed her passing, maybe my thoughts were heard and contributed to the end. Be careful what you wish for. I would give anything for that stress again because now I don't care much about anything. James

I'm glad you're ok. Me and my wife always saw each other as two Cardinals- a couple with the "wife" being plain and not showy. She was always shy and modest. The sad thing is there are no Cardinals in Southern California. But I see her in the little brown birds and the Hummingbirds.

This post has resonated with me and haunted me. I have felt so many of these feelings. I often thought that my dear wife was somehow alive in Tulsa (I had to move back to my childhood home in California), looking for me. I felt like I abandoned her. Now that I am living here, it is so hard to feel like I am connected to her. My life with her seems so far away- a whole other lifetime ago. I wish I could dream of her, but somehow my stupid brain won't let me- aside from a few fleeting scenes. I have several voicemails that I kept- thank God- that I can hear her say she loves me. I feel like her spirit is in nature and I see her humor in the birds around here. I have all the things that meant something to her crammed in my childhood bedroom- a shrine to her I guess. They make me feel connected, but it's hard just not seeing her smile and being able to talk to her about what's going on in the world (oh boy!). I don't think there's anything wrong with living in the past. God knows I certainly don't want to hear the crappy music of today, and I listen to 80's music and even though I haven't yet been able to listen to her favorites, I will someday and remember the good times- I'm trying to weed out the bad memories but its hard because her health was so bad and those are the most recent memories. Please take care. I understand completely.

It is very, very hard to not feel guilt. There are so many things I feel I could have done. I don't know why I didn't wake up when she had a really bad low blood sugar. I usually did, but not that night. I feel so guilty that I don't think of her more, but if I think of her I get depressed. I try to remember only good times, but it's hard.

I do get disability, but I can work part time. It's pretty expensive in California. I woke up today with this finality and emotional numbness, like I was dead. I so wish I could dream of her, but I think the guilt I have over the circumstances of her passing are blocking it. I still look up possible causes and side effects of her medications and try to reason out what I could have done. It really sucks.

Thanks. I really kind of regret not having friends now, but I never wanted to hang out with anyone else. When I needed to be alone, I listened to music and she did her thing. When I had enough "me" time, it was only Annette I ever needed. We had a lifetime of shared likes and in-jokes and I miss that so much it's unbearable. Without my identity as her caregiver, I just have no purpose. I got a part-time job when she could no longer work, but with being prone to panic attacks and social anxiety, the only way I got through was her voicemails every hour. I don't know how I can get a job again without her support, especially with the pandemic (I have Diabetes and considered high risk as well). I think I'm ok for a little bit, and then all of a sudden I think of her laying on the floor (she literally slid off her wheelchair and landed face down in the kitchen, but was snoring) and I lose it (I am too emotionally repressed being around my family to cry- I lose it mentally). I can't be relied on by anyone. My family can only understand so much. They luckily let me be me but we don't ever talk about how I'm feeling- my family doesn't ever hug. It's just rough. Thanks for the ear (or eyeballs).

Thank you for understanding Gwenivere. I am only thinking of another relationship because I feel so alone without that marital connection we had. I know in my heart that there's nobody else for me. If somebody threw themselves at me I would probably not reciprocate. It's just the loneliness, the loss of my friend, my confidant, my everything. I can't even make eye contact with people, so speed dating is a no go. She was in poor health the last few years of her life and that's why the bad times stick out. I have a sucky memory- I mean, I can name all of the names of Bob Dylan's albums in order of release, but I can't remember details of my life without her a lot of times without a visual stimuli- an object, a picture. I totally just relate because we were a team. Our saying was "I'm ok if you're ok". I just don't have anything to give my family, for example. I just can't really be who they want me to be or expect me to be. They want me to act "normal" (whatever that is) and be myself. I don't have a personality without her. (Plus, my voice sucks and I don't like shouting and my Mom is hard of hearing- joy)

Thanks for the support. I have resigned myself to the fact that I could never find another Annette. We were a team- we understood each other (she understood me, which is quite a feat). I just am so dreading the rest of my life alone. Part of me would love to find someone else, but I know that that's a virtually impossible ask. Just after having love every day for so many years and then to be just like a lonely teenager again is more than I can handle. I feel like I didn't deserve her, that I took her for granted. I know how blessed I was to have had that love and now it feels like a lifetime ago- why is it so much easier to remember the bad times than the happy times? If I can get through December, it will be a miracle (my birthday, our anniversary, her birthday and Christmas all within a couple of weeks).

I lost my beautiful wife, Annette, 4 and a half months ago. She was the sweetest, kindest, most big-hearted girl there has ever been. I truly wish more people had known her, but she had a lot of health problems that caused her to not want to socialize. She was legally blind, she had severe Rheumatoid Arthritis, Kidney Disease, Type 1 Diabetes...a lot. She passed from cardiac arrest brought on by extreme low blood sugar. Her kidney disease left it very hard for her to manage her blood sugar but she was independent and stubborn and believed she could manage her Diabetes herself. Suffice it to say, I was her caregiver for several years (we were married 27) and because she didn't want to be social, or a burden, we isolated ourselves. It was just the two of of us, and it was great. I mean, it wasn't great- she was in massive pain a lot of the time, and couldn't read like she used to love to do, but she tried her best not to be down, and we were happy in our little house. It was us against the world. So losing her, of course, completely changed my life. I had spent all my time caring for her, trying my best to help her, even when she was stubborn, and drive her to many, many doctor appointments. I think she had a dozen different doctors. I am actually ok with her passing- she was asleep and hopefully didn't feel pain when they were trying to revive her. I know she is in a good place, and that she is not in pain anymore. I have felt nothing negative, but I do wish that I could dream of her more (I've had maybe three dreams with her in them since May). My problems are purely selfish. I don't know what to do with my life now. I was with her every day, all day (except for work- we didn't have any friends because I enjoyed her company so much). I had to move from Tulsa, OK back to California and am living with my mother and brother, back in the home I grew up in. I am 50 years old, and am in the same bedroom that I was in when I was a teenager. So, I'm an old, achier version of myself as a teenager, when I was awkward, alone and miserable- amplified by a thousand. It's some sad irony. I have no illusions that I will ever have another relationship. It's not happening. I'm sure I am on the Autism spectrum. I have a lot of social anxiety, plus I am completely broke and, aside from Disability and selling on Ebay, have nothing to offer financially. I am so lonely. I just miss her company and want to be with her. I would easily commit suicide, but I believe that you can't get to Heaven if you do. I truly don't want to live though, and feel such tremendous emptiness and loss, with no purpose to my day. I wake up every day upset that I didn't pass from a heart attack or something. I truly don't think I can get a job right now. The only way I could get through my last one, with all of my issues, was her calls every hour and her encouragement. My family really are emotionally closed off and are not equipped to deal with loss and they have their own major mental issues. All of the progress that I made to get rid of my OCD and baggage when I was with her feels like it never happened. Just a few months feels like a lifetime, and it's hard to connect with my life with her and remember the great love we had. I guess I just need to ask for advice on how to get through my days alone. I guess I need to figure out how to like myself and enjoy my own company. It's hard to actually enjoy anything without feeling guilt that she can't enjoy it with me. Thanks! James