nashreed

It is very, very hard to get up the wherewithal to actually be productive. I'm telling myself that in January I will have to motivate myself to do something that will make her proud- whether it be getting a job or even just volunteering at my father-in-law's church. With the pandemic, the election and December (her birthday, our anniversary, Christmas ), I can't face it before then. I want to get out and try to be social, but I am not even sure of my personality right now. Do I even have one without her? She was everything good in my life, and everything I did that was good was for her.

True- Often, a dream will begin with some stupid minutiae from the day, and go off somewhere from that. But I'm afraid I have somehow stopped being able to dream of a time when she was still alive- and this is very depressing. Before, I could at least have sleep to look forward to, where I could be in a world where (even if she wasn't in the dream) she was still alive. Now it seems the dreams have evolved to where I am aware of her loss, even if it's a freaking high school dream from before I knew her. If I could talk to her in my dreams it would be ok, but so far I haven't been able to.

I just hate being alive sometimes. I'm not trying to sound grim- it's just so unfair to still be living. It's like being in purgatory- maybe it is. I still have good deeds to do, I guess. Annette had secured her place in Heaven, and God knew that I could handle her loss, even though I hate it. I guess I'm stronger (maybe colder) than I thought. All the little things that distract me from my thoughts about her, also need to not distract me from what I still have to do on this earth. I still need to try to get my brother's soul in better shape (I promise I'm not trying to be religious, more spiritual). So, life is not forever, but love is and our spirits are. While in this limbo, I have to know that I still have a purpose. Annette watches over me and I try to make her proud.

I'm sorry Kay. I know what it's like. There are so many weird things that didn't make sense the night she passed. I just hope that she was asleep- that she didn't feel the chest compressions as I'm sure they must have cracked a rib or something. I don't think that Annette gave up, so much as her body gave up. I know that she didn't have a fear of death. She knew where her soul was going. I wish I knew if she had felt that her time was coming. She never would have been able to tell me because she knew I would have freaked out. I don't think she wanted to leave, but she was ok with it. She was in so much pain that I think that she just wanted it to be over- or I could be saying that to make myself feel better, but I know how she was. The last picture I took of her shows her to be just so sad and tired, no light in her eyes. I feel so damn selfish because I felt some relief that my stress had eased. I feel guilt because I sleep so much better now. I used to constantly worry myself to sleep thinking that she could fall out of bed (she did a few times) or her CPAP got knocked over, all sorts of things. Again, I miss her so incredibly much. I ache for her. But she's not in pain. She's happy and I love her. Even though we're separated, I want what's best for her, always.

I wish life had been better for her. She had so many just genetic strikes against her. I truly hope my love made her pain more bearable. I often think about what the months would have held in store if she was still here. I would still be freaked the freak out about her getting COVID. The Winter always made her ache because she was very sensitive to the cold (she would literally just park her wheelchair on the heater grate).

Thank God for music! It's really the only "positive" I have. I love me some 80's music. It's literally the only thing that relaxes me. I can actually sit and focus on CD's (I have thousands) where I can't on anything else. I get very bored and restless with TV for the most part. The precious 90 minutes I get with my big stereo is the only thing I look forward to. Sometimes I hear songs that remind me of Annette and make me sad- I have to be careful. Right now I'm in a phase of avoiding music that she enjoyed. I can't face them right now. She had a Spotify playlist of her favorite songs that I promise her that I will play, but I just can't do it yet.

Gee- I'm so sorry. I truly hope I don't live a long life. I'm not eating that great these days, now that my wife isn't looking out for me and goading me into eating well. Pearls Before Swine is so depressing these days. Where's the crocodiles?

Yeah, I think I may have opened Pandora's Box. Last night I dreamt that she was gone, just like in real life. I liked it better when my dreams were set in a time when she was at least still alive. Hopefully she can be more present in my dreams to balance it out.

Wow Kay, I'm so sorry that it took so many years to find your soul mate. I was lucky that the first girl I ever dated was The One. I dated her a couple of months, she broke up with me, and I pursued (stalked a little ) her for 2 years. We were finally together almost 30 years total. 3 and a half years- that's just so little time. I'm glad you made the most of it. I get down because I don't feel her connection, even though I know she's up there. It must be hard to connect with the living and a rarity to be able to do so, but I will be patient. I know I'll be with her forever, this is just a separation, like because of quarantine. I just have to work harder to keep our love alive.

Yes, being her caregiver was very hard. Juggling her doctors appointments and trying to stay positive was my job, along with my working- even though I'm on disability. It hurt her pride so badly that she couldn't work. She wanted to pull her own weight and it broke her heart. She had a lot of depression, along with the Type 1 Diabetes and Kidney Disease and everything else. I only wanted her to be happy- always. If she couldn't be happy in this life, I'm glad she's happy now.

My beloved wife, Annette, was really in a lot of pain before she passed. I remember that the last time she had to walk just a few feet across a ramp (from the house to the car) it was torture. She squeezed my hand for dear life and slowly inched across. She had severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and a myriad of other health problems. I had no idea how I was going to get her in better shape. Her doctor had her in a rehab facility after a hospital stay, but she hated it and wanted out immediately. After two weeks in the hospital (not able to see me because of COVID), she didn't want another two weeks or more in a rehab facility where they didn't even have her prescribed insulin. After a below knee amputation in 2014, she was wheelchair dependent (with the Arthritis and her weight, walking was a challenge), and so her strength was really compromised, making her dependent on me for a lot of things. She was also legally blind, and so she was very dependent on my eyes, and just lost the will to be social or go out much. When she was healthy, she was so independent (and really didn't ever want to marry- I wore her down). She also hated having to wear adult diapers, and so coupled with her poor eyesight, limited mobility and depending on me for everything (and being in constant pain), she was, honestly, not happy. I struggle with this, and wonder if she was better off passing away. Nobody wants to die, but life was very, very hard, and I know now that she's in a better place, with no more pain. Am I just trying to make myself feel better, or is there a point where it's more merciful for your loved one to be free of pain? I actually am of the belief that God has a plan, and she told me that she believed she would not live a long life. I ultimately just want her to be happy, and hope that she's happy now. But is it wrong to believe that it was a good thing? Obviously, it is horrible, and I miss her terribly- but I feel better than I would if it were a death from a horrible accident, if she had been healthy. Just thoughts that I can't shake. Thanks for your time. James

Oh Gwen, I totally relate. I don't have the pain (and I'm so sorry about that. My wife had almost constant pain and I know what it's like), but I have the long, lonely day thing going on big time. It was nice to have a long, lazy day with Annette, but without her it's just boring. I could go for another pointless drive, but that's just depressing. I see how my hometown has so completely turned into a slum since I've been gone is hard. Just yesterday a homeless guy was just laying on the sidewalk on the intersection to home. I guess I should be grateful I have my Mom and brother here- I could easily be homeless. I have my Mom, and I love her, but she's half deaf and (it's horrible to say) but I've heard all her stories. I never got bored with Annette. I could listen to her same stories all day. Seeing pictures of Annette is starting to just make me sad more than anything. I have pictures up of when she was young because she didn't like to be photographed in the later years because of her weight. She was on Prednisone and, yeah... My memories of her are starting to jumble and it's like I'm in some time loop of past, present and no future all unstuck together. I too am starting the season of hell. I don't know how I'll make it through December. I will miss having Fall, as it was my favorite season. There isn't a Fall in California. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be- I understand. Please know I understand and care. Post away!

I take comfort in little moments where a memory is triggered by a commercial or a song. I know that a lot of people never have true love, never find their soul mate. I am lucky. I always try to live imaging that she's looking down on me. I still want to make her proud.

I actually did pray for Annette to be able to visit in my dreams. Last night, I had a dream that she was able to e-mail me from Heaven, and I could respond. I woke up, of course, sad that I couldn't really do that. I wonder what a dream interpreter would make of that. I vaguely remember another dream where she was a presence. So, I have hope.

I often think that if I had loved my wife more, I would have died when she did. I've heard that happens. Lucky people.

Oh, people stopped caring about how I'm doing way before even 5 months. Not that I have many people in my life. I'm just getting through day by day.

That is very interesting. I desperately want to see Annette in my dreams, but I feel like I don't want her to "get in trouble" if I pray for her to be able to appear. I KNOW that she is in Heaven- I have never had any doubt of that. I don't want God to think that I doubt. Her faith was much stronger than mine. She had no doubt about her afterlife. I would not want to rock the boat with my doubt, if that makes sense. It would be incredibly selfish. I know she's ok, and pain free. Wanting her to "visit" me is purely selfish and I just have to wrestle with if that's right to do that.

It's been almost 5 months since losing my beloved wife. So, I have been struggling to even find a reason to get up every day. I find it very hard to find anything to look forward to. Nothing seems to matter without Annette. I have a hard time watching shows that she enjoyed. It just doesn't seem right to enjoy her shows, so I tend to shy away from watching them. I can enjoy music that she didn't like, but find it difficult and sad to listen to artists she liked. Finding a purpose, something to take pride in, is incredibly hard. There's just no motivation because I used to do everything for her. I took pride in maintaining our huge two lot yard. I don't have it anymore, as I had to move, so I don't even have that for exercise and purpose. One thing I find I enjoy are treats and sweets- which are bad for me because I have Type 2 Diabetes. I have never been that into sugary stuff, but now I find they're inexpensive rewards- like Halloween donuts for example. I have to actually drive out of town to get to the different donut places, so I get out of the house too. It's bad for me, but it's a distraction. How long did it take to get out of your grief and actually start to enjoy life?

Absolutely- that's why I said just a "part" of me. I know there's nobody that could ever even remotely come close to Annette. It really is a "man" thing. I have been so used to having that companionship and being loved so unconditionally. I live with my Mom now, and I am being taken care of, but obviously it's not the same. It's probably because my Mom is very emotionally standoff-ish- no hugs. And I feel like I'm taking all my anger and hurt out on her too. I miss Annette so much.

Thank you. I appreciate that article. It's just distressing that not only can I not have dreams of Annette, I have dreams where I'm with somebody else. I almost feel like I didn't love her as much as I thought or something. How could she be so completely absent from my dreams? I imagine I think of her so much during the day, but I really need some connection to her. I feel like I'm losing her daily. I'm always looking for signs of her spirit, but I just end up feeling cold and alone.

I appreciate that. I'm 50, so I feel like my youth is far behind me. Part of me wants to try to find someone again, but the majority of me just thinks that would be cheating and that I should learn to be alone, after all this time where I had a love, all day every day. It's a big adjustment.

Thanks. I hope I don't start having nightmares at the six month mark. Right now, I'm not having bad dreams really at all. But I'm so sad that she's not in them, that they're dreams about times in my life before meeting her. I do think about her all day long, so that must be why I don't need to dream of her.

I totally understand- it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. But, at the same time, it sometimes seems like it never happened. She was not only the love of my life but my best friend. Our love was also dependence and to not have any of it is so, so sad. I guess it's a "man" thing that I have been thinking of "I wonder if another relationship is possible" so soon. I absolutely know that it's crazy to even consider. Not only is it a bad time to search for love in a pandemic, but I have nothing to offer but credit card debt, medical bills and a fat gut. It's just that I miss having a partner, a team mate so much. It's really hard to still feel her love, but I have voicemails and I see her love in nature and I hope she can see me down here because I have all her favorite things displayed in my room as a tribute to her.

It has been almost 5 months, and apart from a few fleeting glimpses (that I remember) and a couple of very short conversations, I have not dreamt of my beloved Annette at all. All my dreams are stupid things like high school and old jobs and who knows what. We were together every day for 30 years and now my stupid brain won't even give me the pleasure of her company in my dreams! Is it because I am still in initial grief stages still? Can anybody help with how your timeline of dreaming compared? Literally, about the only thing I have to look forward to is going to bed and hoping that I can see her in my dreams and every morning I'm disappointed, Thanks for your replies! James

Wow. I am so sorry. That hit me really hard, because when my wife had the low blood sugar which led to her cardiac arrest, she also fell off her wheelchair. I honestly believe she hit her head, but I didn't see anything at the time and the EMT's were concerned with getting her blood sugar up and her heart going. I'll never know if she hurt her head. What a rollercoaster of relief and then tragedy for you. I was forced to move back to my mother's- financially I had no choice. I had to pack up everything I could (including 6,000 CD's) and drive myself from our home in in Tulsa back to where we met in California. After almost 5 months, I still don't know what to do. I'm in a limbo of grief and ennui and I don't have anything motivating me. I'm not so much restless as just stuck. Keep hope alive, Denra!