nashreed

I'm so sorry Gwen. I know what it's like to navigate medical appointments and doctors. Annette must have had a dozen different doctors, and we always joked that "Something's always wrong" (it's a 90's song). Is it bad that I'm glad that she doesn't have to worry about going to doctors offices and the Urgent Care or ER now? Something usually came up every month. She was hospitalized sometimes four times a year, and if we were still in Tulsa, it would be bad. Tulsa is bad with COVID now- no ICU beds and not even regular hospital beds probably. I would be so freaking scared for her now.

I appreciate it. Above all else, it's important for me to be understood, as in I always overexplained my feelings to Annette in the last few years. I did NOT grow up being "in touch with my feelings", but she brought it out of me to where I wanted to hug and share and tell her what I was thinking all the time. Now I'm right back to where I began, with my family and their closed off feelings and passive aggressiveness. No hugs, no conversation beyond superficial and "What's on TV tonight". Plus, I think I mentioned that these neighbors around here with their screaming brats and damn dogs push ALL my triggers. I am wearing headphones now so I don't have to hear the evening screaming session. People are so damn rude and whatever happened to "kids should be seen and not heard"? I wasn't like that when I was a kid. I guess being considerate is a completely foreign concept. Even my brother, watches TV at 2 in the morning full blast. I couldn't get away with that mess when I was teenager here. If my mom even heard a sound when I was trying to watch music videos late night Fridays in the 80's, I heard about it. Now nobody cares about anybody. I cared about Annette, and sometimes I had to tiptoe around the house and go to bed at 6pm if she was sleepy and needed her CPAP time. I swear I'm being tested. Obviously I still have penance to do before I die.

Gwen, I understand more than you know. Even though I live with my mother and brother, I feel very alone, because the love I had with Annette and that bond were so unique and irreplaceable. I was so lucky for the 30 or so years I had with Annette. For all intents and purposes, I should have been alone all that time- my brother has never had a relationship. We're just weirdos. But Annette was my miracle. She saved me from being alone and living here for 27 years. My mother never wanted me to leave and move to Tulsa, but I am so glad that I got out of here, because what has happened to my hometown breaks my heart: homeless people laying on the street, places I worked or grew up going to just boarded up and abandoned. She saved my life. I interact with her family and they've been great, but I can't really be myself with them. I had a life completely separate with Annette, completely separate from my family- by choice. We like being each other's everything, but now I don't feel connected completely to either "side". My life will never be happy again. My love was once in a lifetime. I enjoy little things and try to get through the day. Listening to music is all I really look forward to. I feel guilty watching shows that she loved. Her favorite starts again Monday, and I don't know if I can even watch it without her. So even though I have four family members, I still know exactly how you feel. I am anti-social normally, but with Annette I wasn't. Even with family, I can't do anything but what seems like small talk- nobody knew the real me except Annette. I don't think anybody really cares that much. There's an old ELO song where the subject is forced to just sit on a park bench and observe the world and people around him for all eternity without being able to connect and hug and have meaningful connection. I guess that's what we face.

I definitely look forward to my alone time with Annette. I meet up with her at the same place, around the same time every morning. It gives me a reason to get up actually, and something to look forward to because I can lay out my random good and bad thoughts and clear them out and I feel a little more motivated. Mornings I can actually feel productive and get stuff done before the duldrums of the afternoon set in. I nearly broke down and cried in Walgreens yesterday, because when I was in line at the pharmacy counter, I saw this new blood sugar moderation-helper pill (or something) that I had never seen before. Her death was partly from an extreme low blood sugar and it just made me say "I'm so sorry you weren't on this" and all that. Going into Walgreens is always sad for me anyway, because I practically lived there (and it was very close) when we were together. There's so much stuff that I see that I think "Does Annette need this?" before I realize, of course she doesn't. There's just so many reminders of her that it's one big grief trigger.

It's funny how I ended up right back where I started, literally, before I even met Annette. I'm having to live in my Mom's house, in my teenage bedroom. So, it's like I was alone, and then I met her, we fell in love, had our life together...that ends and I get plopped right back to square one- over 30 years later. Except now I'm 50 and my hometown is like a ghetto and the mobile park I live in is not the nice, quiet place I grew up in. So, it's like it was and not at all the same, because everything is so much worse. And I was lucky to have ever gotten her to be with me, with all my mental issues. We were definitely a team, but now it's back to me, and feeling like a lost teenager in an old, fat aching body.

It's very difficult to fall into a boring routine with nothing to look forward to. It was very hard and stressful caring for Annette, and our days were filled with scheduling medical appointments, managing her pain and making sure she slept enough (bad sleep apnea where she would get sleepy during the day sometimes). But, as weird as it is, it was still fun, because she was fun. I miss fun. My family isn't affectionate and our senses of humor are not compatible (I was actually pretty dirty and unfiltered with Annette- can't do that anymore). I feel like I don't have a personality anymore. It will be six months next week. I just really do not want to live in a world without Annette. I talk to her everyday outside, but it can feel empty and hollow. I don't like the sound of my voice, and I don't like doing monologues. I need to find focus, and make her proud, but I just don't have any energy to start a new life.

Thanks. I need to remember it's not just my physical health but my mental health. I keep giving myself goals- Okay, I made it through the election, now I need to make it through the holidays. I don't know what I'm going to focus on past New Year's. It's a scary world when you're walking it alone.

It truly feels like my life with her is a distant memory, or someone else's life.

Of course, you're right. I know in my heart of hearts that Annette wouldn't begrudge me anything. She would totally understand what I'm doing, what I'm going through. She was always the one who was telling me that accidents happen, when I would fly off the handle about something that I thought was preventable. She would tell me that she's an adult and ultimately it's her decisions about what she does with her health and life. I'm still trying to keep in control of her health, even now.

It's hard to deal with the fact that I was caught up in "hobbies" when I should have been there more for Annette. For example, in 2014 she had an ankle replacement surgery that went bad because of an idiot surgeon (and the fact that she had been on Humira for years). It got infected and she ultimately had to have a below knee amputation. It was so hard to deal with it and take care of her and so I turned to a hobby of buying really expensive old laserdiscs (the first ones that were on the market in 1978). Some of them were produced in quantities that were so small, they're virtually impossible to find- a few aren't even verified to really exist... Anyway, I couldn't really afford to get back into them again, but I needed the distraction. I still feel bad about it all. I took care of her, but could have given her so much more if I hadn't been selfish. It's hard to wrangle my head around layers of guilt. I have nobody to talk to about this, so thanks for the forum to indulge and try to process all this.

Good luck Kay!

It really is a struggle and a conundrum- I don't much care about my health, but I don't like pain. I have arthritis in my back. I really felt it bad when the temperature dropped in Southern California this weekend. I am going to get back into going to a chiropractor. My Annette had severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and I feel it would be insulting to her if I didn't do something about my developing issue with it. Kay, I'm sure George is with you, next to you. It's funny the times when I think I can feel Annette is around is when I'm blasting music. I feel bad, because I know she didn't really like it loud- but she was sweet enough to indulge me. I don't know if her spirit can hear music the same as before. I feel slight guilt playing stuff that she didn't like too!

Gwen, I know it must be really hard for you today. I'm so sorry. Annette's birthday is next month and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. The big 5-0. I don't know if I want to celebrate it or just ignore it. She almost made it to 50, so I feel like I want to celebrate her life. I wish I could get her advice on it. We never did have a big party for her, she never liked parties. It was always just the two of us and it was awesome. I wish I could remember more of the specific details, like you Gwen. I hate my memory. I wish I had the Marilu Henner, photographic memory. My memory sucks. Thank God for pictures and her voice mails and music to help jog memories. Why is it only bad memories that are so easy to recall, even from our earliest dating? Take care today, Gwen.

Wow, Gwen. Please know I completely understand. I hate small talk and I don't say anything when checking out at a store or something. What am I supposed to say? My life sucks, there's nothing good about my morning. I see couples shopping and people interacting. I can't even look people in the eye (I'm sure I have Asperger's). I don't know anybody. If I could handle crowds, I might actually do what you do. Where else can you go to have any connection to anybody right now? No concerts, no fun to distract. If it was normal times I could go to a movie by myself or shop, but I don't feel comfortable doing that at this time (not that theaters are open in Southern California). I was listening to a CD mix that I made for Annette, and it had a lot of her favorite songs, that also are very depressing to me now (Pink Floyd "Wish You Were Here" for example). Music is the only thing that I have and I do find comfort in music that she enjoyed. She had an annoying (to me) habit of playing a song she liked over and over, so her favorite songs were songs she had memorized. Playing those songs are like a part of her being alive.

Gwen, I am more than happy with your response, because I just want a real answer. There's nothing to be sorry about. Honestly, my Mom eats poorly- hardly ever eats fresh fruit, not much vegetables and has made it to 84, which I guess means my family DNA can handle a poor diet. Yes, Annette would understand. If she saw the daily struggle I go through (and I believe she does) she would be more than sympathetic. She had so many health struggles and I feel guilt about enabling her when she wanted Taco Bell (we met working at Taco Bell), or letting her eat sugar. But, it wasn't her fault that she had Diabetes. It was genetics (she developed Type 1 at age 16) I didn't want her to have to be so strict with her diet- life is supposed to be enjoyed. I am facing December, which has my birthday, her birthday and our anniversary. If I can make it through that....

It's been almost 6 months since Annette has passed. I find that I really am eating poorly and honestly don't care about my health. Annette would be very disappointed in me. When we were together, she did her best (with our limited budget) to have us eat as well as we could. We couldn't afford kale salads every day, but she made the effort to cook raw chicken and try to keep our sugar and sodium intake down. I feel like, now that I am eating what my family gets- which is a lot of frozen meals and not a lot of healthy things- that I am disregarding all the hard work she did. I really don't care about my health though, I honestly don't want to live a long life. Even now, with renewed hope in the country, I see no future for myself- no love, or other relationships. Not even friends. I guess I am curious how I can motivate myself to make Annette proud of me. It's a day by day struggle, but I feel like I'm losing. James

Thank you. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, and I know that she would not want me to feel guilty. It's just a hard process. I think back to a few years ago. We had a young step niece who had cancer, inoperable brain tumor. Annette's father, Kimmie's step-grandfather, would pray and get his whole church to pray, made hats that said "Pray for Kimmie", etc. Annette would just roll her eyes- not that she was cruel, but felt that God's will is His will. You can pray all you want, but if it's your time, it's your time. Annette told me before me got married that she felt she would not live a long life. She was right about everything (except me being some great Guru and genius).

I'm going through a difficult time of really, really feeling guilty about her passing. I see these commercials for different products that might have really helped her pain. She had severe Rheumatoid Arthritis which prevented her from exercising like she should have. I mean, they may not have worked for her, and I didn't know about them when she was alive. Now they air and torment me and make me feel like such a failure, that I didn't literally try everything- damn the cost. She passed resulting from an extreme low blood sugar. I see commercials for Diabetes insulin pump or injectors and want to cry. She always felt that she could control her own blood sugar, but had Stage 3 Kidney Disease and that made it extremely difficult for her to manage. I really should have pushed her to get something that would automatically control her insulin. Even though she was stubborn and wanted to be in control, I feel nothing but guilt and I don't know how to let go of these feelings.

When you say "stamping", do you mean collecting postage stamps or is it a craft involving ink and a design on a block onto paper or something? I remember as a kid collecting stamps, which was really just buying a book with pictures of where the "rare" stamps would go, and then buying bags of a hundred random cancelled stamps and seeing what was there. I'm sorry you have a tough time keeping occupied. My hobby is more the listening and then the selling occupies my time. I don't get a whole lot of money from it, unless it's something really in some demand, but with vinyl being the "in" thing it's hard to make a profit in CD's.

Hello, So, I have been widowed for five and a half months. It's been hard to keep occupied and feel like doing or caring about anything. The one thing that I love is music, and I collect CD's (I know it's cool to collect vinyl now, but I honestly can't understand how anybody can afford that hobby). I have been collecting CD's since before I met my wife, so it's been a passion and a distraction for 35 years (CD's were expensive and the cool music medium that long ago). Through our marriage, Annette was always very tolerant of my obsession, and even though I really shouldn't have spent the money (we were pretty poor), she let me have my fun and buy some cheap ones now and again. When I was working in CD stores, the deals were more plentiful and I justified my spending because I could get bargains. As I became a manager, I could get free promotional CD's, so that was great. So, the collection really started to get out of hand (there is definitely hoarding tendencies in the family-big time). She never really complained. She was a saint. She never was into possessions (too many moves early in life), but understood me. My collection often saved our bacon because I knew some CD's that would be valuable and could be sold for a lot later on, so being a collector was advantageous. As her health got worse, I would spend money on CD's (money I really should have saved for her needs) as a reward, or to cope with the stress. I feel such guilt that I was really going crazy with spending (in amounts that she didn't notice, but I shouldn't have). I feel like if I would have saved all that money I could have spent it on something that could have saved or prolonged her life. So now here I am, without her -but with all these thousands of CD's. I am slowly selling rare ones on Ebay, and I need the music to play to keep me sane. They give me purpose and something to focus on. Through our whole marriage they kind of defined me and she told her sister that being a crazy collector was one of the things that she loved about me (Lord knows why). How have your hobbies changed and evolved (or devolved) with the passing of your loved one? James

I so totally understand how it is to have a life where every day is the same and there's really no point to any of it. Me and Annette were not social people, and we had a routine and it was the same every day more or less, but it was always interesting because of her personality and how funny she was, and I could be myself and joke and it made it fun, even if we just stayed home all the time. On my days off, we played UNO and we always had something to talk about.\ I'm lucky to be able to live my mother and brother (I could easily be homeless if they didn't own the mobile home I grew up in), but it's just not "fun", because they're just different from me now. My Mom is really hard of hearing, and I have the worst voice ever-no presence, no carry- and she can't understand me half the time. I can tell you exactly what her response to anything will be. I've heard all her stories. Maybe I'm being selfish. It's good to have company, but her routine is exactly the same every day. I'm lucky she allows me time in the evening to play music- it's really all I have to look forward to. With Annette my days had purpose, I took care of her. My Mom is pretty independent (I mean, thank God for that at least), I certainly wouldn't want to take care of her. I would if needed, but I just don't know if I could ever be as "on" as I was with Annette. I was always on alert for any problems she had, and actually was very, very stressed and worried all the time. I'd give anything to be that stressed again.

So sorry, Kay. If it helps, I read your posts, so your lousy day was told to me in writing, at least. I know it helps me to know that some people actually care about me (you), and even if its kind of impersonal to post on a message board, with the COVID, this is the safest way to connect anyway (I am not doing no ZOOM calls or anything- nobody needs to see my ugly mug on their computer screen, plus I have no privacy with my Mom always flitting about). Please know that I care and it's hopefully a better day today. It's gotta be!

I feel your grief and sadness, Ann. I wish now that I had friends and neighbors to help keep me distracted (luckily I have this Forum). You have your children and that's wonderful. They need you and although you might feel alone, they feel just as alone. You need each other. I feel hopeless, and because I was my wifes caregiver for so long, I now feel like nothing I do even matters. But your children are your purpose. I've been able to hang on and get through each day for five and a half months. It feels like its been five years. I always try to remember "It's better to have loved and lost", and it is true. Some days I can't think of her at all because it makes me upset, but there's wonderful times when I can think of her and smile and remember what her response to something might be and it makes me happy. I was so blessed and lucky to have had the time with her I did. Cherish your time with him. Some people never have love like that. Just the fact that you've made it so far means that you will go on. You will be ok. You're not alone if there are people who care about you. I have to remember that even though everything my family does annoys me, they do love me. It's not the same kind of love, and that leaves a hole in my soul that there's no filling- but it gets me through. My love for my wife is forever. I know I will be with her again. I'm 50. When you think of it like that, the time we are apart really isn't that long (although it feels like it). This is just a temporary parting. I try to think of it as that she's just somewhere I can't visit, like if she was in the hospital. I still talk to her and I know she still loves me.

It helps my sanity too, to talk with her and express my frustration (about the election, etc.) and to let her know I always am thinking of her. I will always keep her memory alive.

Thank you! Absolutely- she knows I'll be walking in the same place around the same time every morning. I have to start my day talking to her. I love saying her name too much to not talk to her.