nashreed

I have so much in common with your struggle. I wished I had been able to pass away after she did- I thought maybe I didn't love her as much as the old couples that die within hours of each other. It is different for me, because she truly is in a better place- Annette was in constant pain, and was very unhappy with her blindness and her weight. But I'm always thinking that somehow she could have gotten better. I haven't tried counseling or therapy in these crazy times. I would love to try a medium, but I don't know if that would be ok with her. I'm afraid it would seem like I am doubting her (and my) faith. I have no doubt she's ok- I've felt nothing negative (but then haven't had much contact at all). I just want any kind of connection. I don't want to "move on", but I have to do something besides be miserable. I don't have a choice. I might feel guilty having "fun", I don't know. I just have to find a purpose. It's just not sustainable to be so unhappy. Believe me, I have no illusions of another "love" or anything like that- I just need peace. Annette watches over me, and she doesn't want me to be miserable- I need to respect her wishes.

I so totally understand, I get it. I feel like a bug on its back, flailing around, waiting (hoping) to be stepped on. We used to say "I'm OK if you're OK". I know she's OK, and I want to be good for her, but I'm failing. I can't wait to be with her again. I know I hated my life before Annette, and once I met her, she became my purpose- I spent two years "stalking" her, trying to win her heart. I even had a license plate -ILUVALD, that she hated, but I eventually won her heart. Now I live back where I was before. My Mom is 84, and thank God that she is healthy and can get around on her own and doesn't need a caregiver- I don't think I could put myself in that situation after Annette and all the care she needed (of course, I would have to if my Mom did need it). She's 84, and still sad about the loss of her marriage to my Dad (who I have no memory of), even though he passed in 1999, she hadn't seen him since 1974. And I live with my brother who still pines for the one relationship he had in the 80's. So, we're three unhappy, damaged sad people living together. In my tiny little childhood room, I've stuffed it full of all her things that meant the most to her, or things that she would need if she came back- from her prosthetic leg (and her backup leg) to her Chap Stick collection (I wonder how long they last). Needless to say, it is packed, along with her ashes, a bunch of my stuffed animals, and her ashes. Her clothes are in the closet (most of my closet is filled with my brothers toys and records- hoarders one and all!), so my clothes just lay on my chair. So, yes, I'm not living- I'm just in limbo, waiting to be with Annette again.

Thanks. Yeah, the only thing that keeps me from seriously ending it is my latent Catholism saying I won't go to Heaven if I do, and if I can't be with Annette there's no point.

Well thanks. I guess that's the whole point of this thread. I need to vent or I'll go insane. You fine folks read ("listen") and we keep each other sane.

I don't have friends. Annette had them, but was very sensitive and something always caused her to drift away from them- a perceived slight or betrayal. I didn't need anybody but her. Now I'm kinda regretting it, but I wouldn't know how to keep a friendship.

Jim, I know exactly what it feels like. I hope every night to have a heart attack in my sleep. I want to be with Annette so bad. I'm just kind of disengaged from life. I don't have a purpose. I was the one who tried to get Annette to do more- get outside more, but she was legally blind and in near constant pain, so she was most often happy to be in. I would get restless and preoccupied with my own thing. I wish we could have our Tuesday nights again. We would play Uno, watch TV until she got sleepy. I so wish I had savored our time more.

I know I face years of this. I don't look forward to it. Lately, I've been apologizing to her for... well, everything. She wanted a service dog. In Oklahoma, they're not exactly progressive, and we looked into it- we just could never figure out any way to get her one. I should have just gotten her a regular dog. She would have loved it in her final years, and I think that maybe having a dog would have saved her life, alerting me to her low blood sugar. I have so much guilt and regret, and it's so hard to live with. I know I shouldn't feel the guilt, but it's part of the process.

It really has hit me that I have no purpose now. I feel lost without Annette to take care of. I have lost my identity of being her husband. I'm so depressed. I just don't want to live without her. What's the point? I need to find my purpose all right.

My brother works for Wal-Mart as a cashier, and they're busier than Disneyland (which is been closed since March)! I worry, as more and more people don't care about wearing masks. People don't bitch about wearing seat belts. I don't like them, they strap and bind- but I do it. Isn't it the same thing? COVID would have been the worst possible thing Annette could have had. She feared not being able to breathe and had to use a CPAP as it was. I'm glad I don't have to worry about her getting it (which I feel terrible about). It seems Tulsa is really bad with cases. All these red states want their freedumb. I know I can't get into it. It just angers me so much that so many Americans got conned.

That's a good way to look at it. I did try to think that Annette was in a rehab or in the hospital, but I could only keep it up for a couple of months. Me, living here now in my hometown instead of Tulsa, without Annette, is the long vacation that I can't leave. I still imagine she's in Tulsa, somewhere without me. I used to so long forward to two weeks here every couple of years. Now, I dread being here, and I'm sick of my little town with the crazy homeless people and shuttered businesses. I miss and love Annette now more than ever. I can't wait to be with her again. I worry a little that she might meet Sean Connery in Heaven though, before I get there (We both had celebrity crushes that we could forgive if the opportunity presented itself)

I just randomly saw a report on the news about some guy celebrating a 100th birthday or something and I about had a panic attack. I DO NOT want to live a long life now. I seriously wish that I would die in my sleep. I think about suicide every day, but I know that that would disappoint Annette. It would be a slap in the face, when I still have perfect vision (with glasses) and I can walk and don't have any major pain and she didn't have those things. I understand that, but I just don't know what I'm going to do without her. We were a team, and now I sail this ship alone- no direction, just aimlessly. Without COVID it would be easier to find a purpose, but everything is so weird. I'm trying to acclimate myself to just being me, and COVID makes that easier. I miss her so much, and I can do this from day to day, but years? I don't know how you did it Kay.

I was thinking today about how amazing it was that two oddballs like me and Annette found each other. I should cherish that I found my soulmate. So many don't. One thing that I'm afraid I did was take her for granted. We told each other we wouldn't, but I feel like I didn't appreciate her enough when she was alive- always distracted, looking at my stupid phone, etc. Thank you, Kay. Somewhere through all your 24,000 posts is the key to getting through my life without her. They should be compiled into a book! I know we'll be together again. I just have to have patience.

Yes, this forum is a blessing. The few people I have in my life are "over it", and they can't understand how empty and alone I am. Even her sister, who misses her terribly, misses her more as the person that she could call to talk about her problems to and Annette would always "talk her down". All her life, Annette never wanted to make a fuss or rock the boat. It seemed like nobody wanted to be her friend and hear HER talk, it was always about the other person because Annette was a caring listener who could really help people. I feel like I was the only person who cared about her, her feelings and wanted her to talk to me about herself. I couldn't ever get enough. I believe that God has a plan and things happen for a reason- always have. I have had a very hard time with God letting Annette have such a hard, unfair life and so many health problems. I believe that God was merciful and ended her suffering, but it's still so hard that He let me be alone without her. I feel like I must deserve this. I'm a lapsed Catholic who then went to a Christian church about ten years ago, until I saw what hypocrites they were, and I just can't even believe what these people are accepting as their "leader" these days. God is in control, but it's so sad that He left you alone for over 15 years now. It's very hard to accept. Someday I'll get there.

I do want to make Annette proud so badly, but I just don't know that I have it in me to even try. I have no support system to speak of, other than you fine folk. I do try to think of how Annette would handle my loss. Of course, with all her health problems and being legally blind, she was dependent on me. But, if she was healthy and had her eyesight, she would be more than happy living alone, needing only books and a dog. She would be able to thrive without a man in her life. I've gotten past the idea of ever having another relationship, but that still leaves major loss of her, which just makes my living seem meaningless. I certainly feel like I died when she did.

Well, I actually was one of those kids that stole candy from a local grocery store until I was caught. (I couldn't pay for it is the only difference) I used to steal quarters from my Mom to play video games too. I was a rotten, socially awkward, withdrawn thief. So, I've always had self destructive behaviors. Annette made me a better person. I'm not going to go stealing again, but I'm becoming my old self in other ways.

Thank you. (That was supposed to read grief cycle. I know you figured it out, it just bugs me that I didn't catch it) I know that the hoarding is bad, but I've always been a collector. I had a huge CD collection when things were good with Annette's health too. (I'm not discounting that I'm buying to fill the loss of Annette, I'm just explaining that I've always had a problem) It can be a good thing to be a seller/collector. My father-in-law is moving and so I ended up being given all his and his extended family's unwanted DVD's and CD's (because it seems nobody owns physical media anymore, unless you're into hipster vinyl). They're a mess- full of fingerprints and dirty, but it gives me a purpose and a "job" to go through them and see if there's anything worth putting on Ebay. It feels like when I worked at a store that sold used CD's and DVD's 10 years ago. I literally walked out of that job 10 years ago, at Christmastime, because I was having panic attacks (It was the beginning of Annette starting to have worsening health problems).

So at six months, it seems I skipped right over beautiful dreams of our life together and her still being alive, and she has now passed in my dreams- at least the past couple of nights. I hate my stupid brain.

Well, let's just say I got six more in the mail yesterday. I just don't know if I can do counseling, because I just don't care anymore. I have to exist and eat, but beyond that music is all I have. I'm just really starting to drift away from her family even. Maybe I'm in the "I don't want to get close because they'll die eventually phase". I was going to text her sister, but I came her instead. I hope it's ok to say: we're all half dead here, and I can be myself without faking doing better.

I hear you, Gwen. And I hated Christmas music before Annette's passing. I am going to try to not go into a store as much as possible until January (luckily my brother does the shopping). I will really have a panic attack hearing that stuff (Since I am such a music nerd, and very sound sensitive, it's impossible for me to tune out music).

I have been fortunate that I have my music as a distraction these six months- it's truly the only thing I have to look forward to. But, alas, I'm in serious hoarder territory. I've been selling a lot, but I'm still buying a lot. This is my Mom's living room. How do I brake the hoarding during brief cycle?

Yeah, the holidays are going to be depressing, although not as much for me as for so many here. It would have been just me and Annette at Thanksgiving anyway, trying to cook a small little turkey or ham and all the fun that ensued. She made even kitchen disasters fun. She was never into Christmas, possessions and gifts. Our only real tradition was being together and listening to the Elvis Christmas CD, though I always got her a few things because I was brought up to be all about gifts. She knew the true meaning of the holiday. I'm much more dreading our anniversary and her birthday next month.

I do believe that Annette is in Heaven. That's the one thing I've always been sure of. She had faith and seemed to know exactly what His plan was. I always used to believe things happen for a reason and things always seemed to work out. It's just so hard to reconcile that with the pain and suffering she had. Why was life so unfair to her? I can only believe God was merciful in taking Annette home, but where does that leave me? Annette always had trust issues, always had people let her down in life. I tried to be the exception and was there for her as best I could, until that night six months ago when I should have woken up, because I always used to instinctively wake up when her blood sugar was low. I still question why I didn't wake up and save her. I accept it now because I have to.

Kay, you really are an inspiration to me as well. I really don't know how you do it- finding a purpose and being here for all us lost people on this forum. You are truly an angel. I don't take care of myself, and I know Annette would want me to. I don't drink water- it's Diet Mountain Dew because I need something to enjoy in my sad existence. I truly don't think I would fight if I got COVID. I'm not being stupid and I do everything I'm supposed to, but there's only so much you can do when I make the minimum stops for essentials and there's still idiots not wearing masks in the Walgreens and nobody says jack to 'em. In a post-COVID world there should be a housing community just for widows and widowers in every city, so we don't have to be alone and friendless.

I'm so very sorry. It's been 6 months since my wife passed, and I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same boat. No friends, and my family are very emotionally closed off (her family has been very kind) and I don't have anybody to talk to about my grief (except for the good people here). I haven't felt like I really have cried for her, and I feel terrible about it. She was worth crying over and yet, aside from tears of rage and frustration, I haven't been able to or allow myself to just cry for her- cry because she deserves to be mourned. I don't know- at first I thought I was just cold and emotionless. Now I am actively trying not to think about her that much because I'm afraid I will cry and won't be able to stop. I definitely feel like I died too, and I'm a ghost. I wish I could link up with her on the same plane so I could be with her. I have no fear of death now, and I can't wait to be with her again.

Yeah, Annette passed in May. She was in the hospital for two weeks and I couldn't see her at all. There's still questions that I never got answers to about that stay, because she originally went in because her knee locked up so bad she couldn't get up, but somehow in the hospital her kidney function crashed and she was in the ICU for a week. I loved her singing. She only sang for me, usually something from the Carpenters catalog, because it was in her limited range. She would change the lyrics and make up songs about our stuffed animals. I'm lucky I saved some of those voicemails. I don't really enjoy watching shows that she liked. Her favorite recent show is finally coming back on next week and it's going to make me sad watching it without her, but it feels bad to not watch them. Maybe she can see them if she's hanging around? I don't know how it works. I hope that there's music in Heaven, and not just choral music And I HATE Christmas music. I do not even want to hear any of that crap in the grocery stores this year. Fortunately, Annette was not into Christmas, so that's a plus. She wasn't into possessions and gift giving. She lost too much moving a lot when she was a kid.