nashreed

Thanks. Yeah, I don't have anybody in "real life", but you all are very helpful and keep me from going completely nuts, so thank you.

I miss genuine laughing- wanting to make Annette laugh. I always tried to think of something funny to say, or a funny voice. We had our in-jokes and things only we would understand. Now it's a dead language. My family doesn't understand my sense of humour. I don't feel like even trying. I actually am pretty dirty if being myself, or with Annette. That person I was is dead. I've never been one to laugh at a TV show, not out loud at least (much too self conscious). I'm pretty sure I'll never laugh again. Sometimes I could make her laugh uncontrollably, until she said stop- I'm going to pee my pants. And of course, I would have to pile on.

Too true. It's funny how Annette said I looked so much better at 50 then when we met. Of course, then I was a super skinny nerd, and now I have a gut and am overweight. I would never have gotten another girl if it hadn't been for her, I was so awkward. Gwen, I know you said Steve was a musician, but did he record anything?, with a band? I love obscure 80's music- the more obscure, the more fun!

Thanks. I didn't want to derail the thread. I guess this could be where the tomorrow you thought you had became the tomorrow you didn't want, but have to live with. I lived alone for a month and a half after Annette was taken, and I hated that too. I used to walk around the neighborhood because I couldn't stand my own company. I think I am better with that. I actually have gotten lazy and complacent with not having to worry about the bills and upkeep of my own place. It might be the kick in the butt I need.

The onset of December has really hit me hard. My birthday, her birthday, our anniversary... I want to crawl under the house and die. I'm so lost not having to take her to appointments and take care of her prescriptions. I kinda hated it at the time, but would give anything to be able to do it now.

Butt away. I haven't looked into it. I might- it's just that I really left a lot of the actual furniture I had behind, because I knew I didn't have a huge storage unit and so, for example, I left my bed in Tulsa and am using my childhood bed. My Mom would probably not let me move it. I think it's implied by my brother that I get to live rent free here, but I need to look after my Mom. She doesn't need help now, but she is 84, and I don't think he liked having her alone when he's at work in the evening. It is very hard to talk to him about anything that is not superficial. I still don't think they have any plans for her passing, and they don't talk about it.

That's sweet. I don't know if it was love at first sight with Annette, but I knew I had to get to know her. She had a presence that was so unique. It was my second job at Taco Bell. I was a geeky, awkward, uncoordinated basket case and she was a shift leader. She was fascinated by me too. She called me after a few weeks to let me know how bad of an employee I was . That was the cover story anyway (I WAS terrible), but she looked up my number in my file, and just wanted to talk to me.

I've been trying to sell them. I don't have records to sell anymore (sold all those to help with medical bills while Annette was still alive), and those are what's making money these days. CD's are a dime a dozen to buyers. I like them, but they don't sell unless it's rare and from another country- stuff like Heavy Metal and obscure Soundtracks sell. I don't have any of those anymore. I have close to 2,000 that I've listed on Ebay that haven't sold. My father-in-law gave me about 300 DVD's to sell and I've sold 4. They just aren't selling. The market is flooded. I complain about them, but I couldn't make it without them- not right now. It's hard enough to find work in California as it is- with the pandemic? Impossible. I do make disability and can only work part time. I don't want to lose Medicare right now, so I'm kinda stuck.

So freaking jealous....

I love to talk about Annette, but there's not many people to talk to about her. My Mom and brother never got to know her, and that's my fault. I have always been very private. I kept our relationship private. When we moved out of state, my Mom gave her a passive- aggressive "I don't want you back here" trip, because my Mom didn't want me to move away. My family is weird, and they never seemed interested in our relationship anyway. I always regret how I handled it all, but needless to say, I don't talk about her with them. They have their own little world and routines that I feel I am intruding on. So many regrets. I'm so not like my brother, who is financially responsible, and I have negative $200 in the bank. I had to mail my bank a dollar because I can't afford another overdraft on the end of month charge. Life is awesome.

There's squeals of joy, and there's annoying yelling. There's a Ross commercial now- they play it ALL the time. This girl gets a guitar (from Ross?!?) and screams. So annoying and irritating. They must have gotten complaints because a couple of weeks later they changed the scream to one that's more squealy. I don't have any physical things going on except my back has some arthritis and spazzes out sometimes. Nothing too bad, not anything like Annette who was often at a 10 and still had joy and a smile for me. I miss her so much. I wouldn't ever do Zoom calls. I'm much too unattractive.

That's how I feel. I always used to instinctively know when Annette was really low. I used to wake up, like being woken up- except for that last night. I am so mad at myself that I didn't push her to get an insulin pump, but she had pride that she could handle it. She had so little pride left- she couldn't work, she was legally blind, her hands didn't work right anymore... I have never told this, but I believe that Annette had a Guardian Angel that I saw once. It was 20 years ago, and she was first diagnosed with RA- in massive pain and not being on anything that worked yet. We couldn't sleep in the same bed, so I was in the bedroom and she was on a foldout couch in the living room. She had a light on out there, and I had the door open. It's a fuzzy memory now, but I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a male figure sitting on it, comforting her. I didn't freak out, I was awake though. I kinda thought I shouldn't be awake seeing this and went back to sleep. I always used to think I was woken up when she really needed me. I just don't know why I wasn't that night. I guess it was her time.

Feel free to vent, Gwen. I feel connected to you, as we are both sufferers of loss. I read and care what you have to say. All our sanities need vents! I hate where I live, with lousy brats screaming up and down the street constantly. Doesn't it bother anybody else? I'm trying to get numb to it. Americans are entitled and gots to have their freedumb. And these same idiots are also anti-vaxxers, so good luck with that. Maybe if their Supreme Leader says its cool to take maybe they'll take it, maybe if they name the vaccine after him. It certainly didn't have to be like this. People are selfish and stupid, generally. Fine folk here are the exception. My Annette was so unlike a lot of people, so selfless and caring and I know your Steve was very special. Why do the good people have to leave us?

That's pretty cool, Gwen. Annette and I both never complained about anything, unless it involved actually losing money, but poor food, poor service- we let it slide. I never actually looked at it as helping the company. Of course, our years of working customer service affected that. We both worked fast food and knew how hard it was and didn't complain. I guess it's ok to.

I have a bottle of Annette's perfume that somehow leaked out or evaporated. Now, I have to get a bottle. I want to be able to spray it around. It's so sad her clothes, blanket, pillowcase don't smell like her anymore. It makes me sad. All I try to do is keep her memory alive in my little ways. I even hung our stockings (we never did actually put anything in them). Christmas is gonna suck. I really could do without it. I despise Christmas music.

I know that Annette isn't mad at me. She's too nice. I am getting better with this stuff- I am. Just writing it down makes it better. I wouldn't want to go to therepy with it being so weird right now. I will be ok. I know the answers. I have a hard time accepting them, but I'm getting there.

When I talk to Annette, I always seem to need to apologize. I know she wouldn't ever stay mad at me, but I do it just the same. It's funny- I just don't want her mad at me. I can handle anything else, but I don't want her mad at me. In the last few months of her life, when her health problems really got bad, one thing that we had to go through were her hallucinations. She thought she saw a huge spider in the room, or felt mice crawling on her. I hate the way I shouted at her, but I had to make her understand that they weren't real. I regret so much that I was selfish and more concerned about my sleep then trying to calmly talk her down from her imagination. I would yell at her, and tell her there's nothing there. She would be very stubborn and could be very hard to talk down. I would get so upset with her, and I wish I had handled it better. I still feel so bad about it. I still don't know if it the combination of medications, or her sleep apnea and lack of sleep- I'll never know.

I often wonder if our loved ones can watch what we're watching. I've heard our loved ones are with us, and if Annette is with me, and watching over me- seeing what I'm doing, I'm sorry: My life is very boring now.

Thanks. Funny thing, neither one of us had rings- our fingers got too fat. My ring had to be sawed off at one point. She loved Bourne movies and I have her favorite CD's (because they were "ours"). I still have a lot of her prescriptions too. There's no telling why. Maybe I still think she'll come back and need them. I kept a lot of things originally just because I thought she would be back from the hospital (even though I said goodbye).

Wow- a subject that really hits home. I had to move halfway across the country after Annette passed away. I had to pack everything myself (including over 6,000 CD's- I'm a hoarder/collector). I drove my car and had a moving company take the boxes, which was a big mess. Some boxes got crushed, and it seems like some things went missing. So I now live in my teenage room at 50, and I have as much of Annette's stuff as possible crammed into my little room. I have a storage unit that I'm always going to (kind of like going "home") and I'm always finding things to squirrel away in there. Today I actually found her last toothbrush! I didn't even know I had it still. Still shifting through things after 6 months. I have kept a lot of her clothes, so there's no room for mine in my closet (which is crammed full of my brothers toys and records). She didn't have a lot of possessions, because she always moved so much, she didn't like to have a lot, so I kept everything. I have both her prosthetic legs even. I like having things she used, she touched, her DNA. Not creepy, just trying to keep connected. Still have her phone and her phone number active (still get spam texts and bill collector calls) I'm just trying to stay connected with her, and things of hers helps me remember- my memory for life events kinda sucks (I can remember useless music trivia no problem).

You're such a good person, Gwen. I don't understand why bad luck happens to good people while truly evil people (current occupant of the White House, for example) survive and thrive. It makes no sense, and life is not fair. I was there as much as I could be for Annette, and she still didn't want to do rehab. Of course, even in May, I couldn't have visited her and it would have been for two weeks. She had already been in the hospital for two weeks before that. Maybe if she had been in the rehab, she might have survived. She was saying that on the first day she was there, they didn't even have her insulin ordered, so I really don't know. It seemed like a shady place.

I'm so sorry Gwen. I truly understand what you're going through. My Annette had terrible Rheumatoid Arthritis, and I suspect that might have been a factor in way she passed. Not only did her body give out, but her will to live was compromised by the pain. She had been on Prednisone for 20 years or more, and the weight gain put a tremendous strain on her body. Her BMI was something crazy like 64. Instead of her suffering, I often encouraged her to take an extra Pred- probably not a good idea. She was also on opioids and she wore pain patches like clothing. I wish that I had encouragement and motivation for you. I truly know what your pain is like. I'm so glad Annette didn't have to face her struggles alone. I know that your posts help me- we help each other get through this grief and the forum wouldn't be the same without you. I know that personally, I am fine with leaving this earth. I don't fear it. Maybe it has something to do with faith, of knowing that "you're right with God", as they say. I could never end my life myself. It's not because I fear death- I don't, I just can't risk not being with Annette. I pray for a miracle for you, something that will help relieve your suffering. I truly hope for the best for you, Gwen. I really wish we all lived in the same neighborhood so we could help each other through these terrible times.

Gwen, I totally sympathize. Thank you for sharing. Venting helps. I use the forum for it too. I am thankful that my Mom is healthy and can get around and is mentally sound at 84. I really don't have it in me to be a caregiver again, as selfish as that is. I don't worry or sweat about money or finances like I used to have to. I get by, with help. I don't require much. I have my little room, my little shrine to Annette. That's all I need. My Annette was in constant pain, so I understand what that can do. I'm so sorry. Even if I wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving, I couldn't. The people in this mobile park I grew up in are so rude and inconsiderate now. The jerk across the street, blasting his stupid Mexican garbage music all day, building whatever the hell he is always building. I thought Thanksgiving was a day of family and peace and quiet, now loud buzzsaws and hammering. So irritating. My family doesn't seem to mind, but I am very sound sensitive, but with the Mexican music, screaming kids and barking dogs, I think I'm going insane. Thank God for headphones.

I wanted to resurrect this thread, as it touched my heart in a specific way. I don't have any way to start a new life. I have nothing but medical and credit card debt to offer (and an obsolete collection of 6,000 CD's). JimJim, I wanted to ask if the psychics you contacted were believable? Did you feel that they were really in contact with Nancy, like they knew something that only she could know? I am so torn about contacting one, but would love to know how Annette is. What you did with her paintings was awesome! I really wish I had something of hers to share. The only way I can keep her memory alive is to talk about her, but there's nobody to listen (other than you fine folk). I would love to set up a Memorial Page but there wouldn't be anybody that would visit. She had virtually no friends, because she was shy and we just wanted to spend time with each other.

I am so sorry Jim. I truly know what you feel. I get by day by day. I don't really want to, but I have no choice. Annette was always telling me not to get so worked up about accidents, "That's why they're called accidents", she'd say- like she was preparing me. Through a tragic accidental, confluence of her medical issues, she left me. I know I have to have patience. She used to sing me a funny kids song in the voice of turtle- "Have patience- don't be in such a hurry". I know I will be with her again- someday. I wish you the best JimJim. We can only try to help each other in this limbo, until we can see our angels. James