BaxterBurg

3 hours ago, pretz said:

Hey @kayc @BaxterBurg thanks so much for your words of enouragement. An update on this one - just found out today that he actually is in a new relationship and may have been for awhile so its a pretty big blow. Gotta admit i'm pretty hurt because i always just told myself he was grieving and it was a result of his grief (partially at least) but now that i know he's in a new relationship somehow i feel even worse. Like it has made me question my self worth abit and wonder if i just wasn't good enough or he didn't feel it was worth staying or working on things. But i guess maybe it was also the closure i never had and a push for me to let go and move on for good. Although i think it's not really about him anymore.. the whole experience has kinda scarred me abit and i am quite afraid to love again or to be in a relationship again for the fear that this might happen once more. I know i'm projecting but i'm hoping eventually i'll feel more open and willing to put myself out there again because i did give my ex everything and so much of myself to try and save the relationship and help him feel better. Hoping it gets better from here 😔 thank you again for taking the time to respond to this previously i revisit your responses when i'm feeling abit down. 

I'm very sorry that you found this out, and I understand how you must feel. I think, as Kayc might also say, this is common for them to start dating close after the break up, even if they are still grieving. Moreover, some people just can't handle being alone, and it shouldn't reflect on you as a person. But regardless of the reason, it's very hurtful, and I had to experience the same thing. 

It's okay to feel sad - but whether you are open to love again is within you; I think you can grow stronger from this experience rather than it leaving you scarred. I recommend the book "Psyco cybernetics" if you're in the mood for reading. 

Take care

5 hours ago, Kevin13 said:

Another little, probably nonsense, update.

 

She probably muted my Insta stories, I think. Or she just avoid them, dont know.

Today then, out of nowhere (again, lol) she react to a story of mine, totally randomly. I then did nothing, ignored her reaction.

 

Why she's acting like this? She's testing me? She wants, somehow, to reconnect but shes unsure? I mean, this doesnt make any sense and, to be honest, its making my healing process more difficult. Taking in consideration to block her so she won't be able to reach out and "disturb" me.

 

Hope you guys are all good

 

 

People do strange things after a break up, not really worth wondering about. My ex did weird things like that too and it could be anything, but I think it was guilt and it just made things worse. Your mind will try to convince you it means something positive for the high, but don't let it. Block her if you feel you need to do so, this is all about you and your own recovery - not about how she feels. 

I can only speak from experience here, and I don't want to cause you anxiety, but my ex and I agreed to have a meeting to talk about the relationship too, but she just ended up finding someone else and brushing me off.

Unfortunately the hope you are feeling will probably last a while, but:

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Try not to give place to hope for the relationship, it can hold you back healing and moving forward with your life, I know, easier said than done. 

The hope really hurt me and really delayed my healing. There were days I was totally convinced we would be back together and it only left me devastated when I saw this new guy was in the picture. 

Do your best to stay away, and read the Ovid quotes in my profile description if you like--it's ancient knowledge. 

Take care!

On 5/23/2021 at 11:05 PM, pretz said:

@BaxterBurg Thank you Baxter - I know it was definitely hard on me at the time. In hindsight, I realise that it may not have been personal and he was probably dealing with his grief hence pulling away. But at the time it really make me quite insecure and confused. The hot and cold behaviour was taking a toll on me and as much as I wanted to be there for him and to make him feel better instead of worse, I think it was really tough on me too. Like I was always tiptoeing around him and like trying to be very careful of what I said, trying to "earn" his love and approval again. 

Oh yes, this could have easily been written by me 5 months ago--it's like a blue print that they all follow. I completely understand why you feel/felt insecure--she tried to make up reasons to break up before doing it, and some of those things haunt me to this day. 

Walking on egg shells is the worst; and the hot/cold behaviour burns you out incredibly-- Those were the worst months of my life, as maybe you can relate. I often tell myself when I'm feeling down: "at least I'm not in that position anymore" and I feel better. 

It does get better, and happiness is attainable again. Take care!

4 hours ago, Sev7 said:

I’m so scared he won’t come back to me. I know he loves but he walked away… I miss him so much

This must be so difficult for you; but no matter what happens, I am confident you will make it through this. 

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear of his loss and now your loss of the relationship-I can somewhat understand how difficult this must be for you. 

10 hours ago, Sev7 said:

im 50/50 on our outcome. We have always found our way back to one another over the last four years. He’s had my heart for a long time and I refuse to give up on him, especially now. He told me he loves before he walked away so a part of me is holding onto that fact. Am I wrong for doing so? 

While my relationship was a lot shorter than yours, your reaction is very similiar to my own. You're far from stupid for holding out hope; I think everyone here has held onto some hope that they will come back, including myself for over a month while I stayed in contact with her. However, as you may know, there hasn't been any examples of them coming back, and hope is one of those things that will keep you from healing. We all hope we are the exception, but think of it as an addiction--every dose of hope is what keeps your addiction alive and we will do anything for that dose. 

10 hours ago, Sev7 said:

First he said he wanted to break up but then the next day he said he just needs space. I don’t know what to think

As kayc has told me before: they don't know their own mind while grieving, so it's best to try not read anything into what they are saying. It's best to focus on you and your healing right now, although I understand how much easier said than done this is--I understand how much you care for him. 

Take care, and I'm hoping the best for you. 

7 hours ago, kayc said:

It means she wants you to come get your furniture. 

I agree. Hope is the worst thing you can have right now and it will only delay your healing; your mind is trying to get any dose of it it can right now.

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Try not to read something into it that isn't there.  Be guarded of your heart

So sorry to hear of your situation. Don't be hard on yourself when it comes to feeling insecure; feeling someone pull away from a relationship is an extremely difficult thing to deal with. I have personally yet to read of someone who hasn't blamed themselves in some way--including myself--and I think it's almost impossible not to react to it. I agree with Kayc: this is about how he is dealing with his grief and not about you.

Take care.

Hi Moona, 

I don't have much to say, or really any advice to give, but I am reading, and I am very sorry for what you are going through right now; and I'm so sorry to hear of the situation about your animals. 

While I can't fully understand the situation you have been put in, I can understand some of what you are experiencing. I know how awful it feels when it seems like your whole world seems to be collapsing around you--its a very dark place. I also understand what it's like to try and maintain a relationship all by yourself--it's impossible and incredibly draining. Please try to take care of yourself through this, even if it seems hard. 

While it's hard to see any hope or light right now, I can say from someone who went through some of it, that I am happy again, and I see a lot of hope. As you said about emotions, I've heard you have to go through the tornado to finally get out the other side--otherwise you just go round and round. I made it through the tornado, and I am confident that you will too! We're here for you and you arnt alone in this. Even if I don't manage to reply all the time, ill still be reading. I'm hoping for the best for you. 

Take care. 

Hello @satc83,

I'm very sorry to hear of the death of your bfs mother as well as how it has affected your relationship. This must be an incredibly difficult time for you both. It's very unfortunate that he seems to be going through this alone. It's also sad that he has blamed you for not being able to see his mother during covid, I can understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of something like that. Try not to take what he says personally, even if it does seems that way.

11 hours ago, satc83 said:

I know I need to give him the time he asks for. It is just so hard and I’m so anxious. He also gives me mixed feelings. Asking for time and space, but still texting me a lot asking what I’m doing etc

This is quite common on this forum. For some they can't do a relationship and grieving at the same time, and we have to be on the receiving end of these mixed messages / hot and cold behavior. Sadly all you can do at this point is to give him what asked for. However, being on the receiving end is emotionally draining and something I couldn't handle after a certain point- it felt like my body was shutting down. You have to consider your health through all this. I had to make the decision to go No Contact on New Years. But if you feel that you want to be there for him, I understand, I did the same for a month; however, we were broken up, which is different from your situation.

11 hours ago, satc83 said:

Of course we are and were both individuals but we had a very close, saying I love you everyday, couldn’t be a day without each other and when apart being constantly on the phone-relationship. I know that could be too much for others, for us it worked. And I would give anything for us to be that team again we used to be. It also breaks my heart knowing I can’t support him or just be there for him while he is grieving the biggest loss of his life...

You sum up exactly how I felt as well. I would have done anything to be there for her and the relationship. Unfortunately it seems he has chosen to go through this alone, and I understand how devastating and difficult to understand that can be.

I cant offer much advice outside of my own experience; but kayc I'm sure will come soon with some resources and maybe something more useful to you.

No matter what happens going forward, you will be okay, and I'm hoping for the best for the both of you. Take care. 

3 hours ago, MicheleL said:

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it so much right now. I am sorry to see that you have been through something similar, I wouldn't wish the pain upon anyone. It is very sad but comforting to know I'm not alone in this, as I've seen a lot of others posts. I'm very glad you were able to heal and move forward! While she hasn't broken things off with me yet it is really hard seeing her go through so much pain alone and feeling like she might no longer want me in her life. It's so scary to have my relationship feel like it is out of my control and the thought of her breaking up with me is engraved in the back of my mind. I will update this if anything happens and I feel like expressing my thoughts, thank you again❤️

No worries, It means a lot that you found it so helpful. I understand what you mean, it's very difficult to see someone you love hurting so bad, especially when you're worrying about the relationship too. It is an incredibly scary situation, I understand exactly how you feel. We're here for you! Take care, and feel free to share your thoughts whenever. 

Thought I might give an update to people on what happened in my situation in case they want to compare it to their own, or take from the lessons I've learned.

In short, somehow during covid my ex found someone new within a few months of us breaking up. Our meeting to discuss the relationship never happened, and she just kept brushing me off. This seems to be common from what I've read here; and there's not really much more to say. She seemed to be on the borderline of crying after seeing me in class, but I don't know the true reason for that; but she deleted me off all social media a few days later. It felt like another rejection.

Judging from her coldness still, I also don't think she cares about what I did for her at this point. No matter how much you do for someone, don't ever expect a similiar treatment in return.  If I face this situation again, I would go no contact immediately. Never stick with someone who is confused. And lastly, as can be told by the length of this thread, being worried about a relationship is completely okay. This is by far not something that is easy to deal with; its extremely painful. 

Sadly, I can't seem to escape my ex as of late, somehow she keeps managing to pop into my life, and I've found out I might have to work with her over summer. The wounds have re-opened a bit, and its just more evidence that you need no contact if you truly loved someone. I don't even want to be with her anymore, but the painful memories and feelings of rejection are awful. I really hope this is the last time I update this thread.

Hello @MicheleL

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your girlfriends father and your grandfather. And I understand how hard this must be for you to feel your girlfriend pulling away from you, I've felt the anxiety myself. 

I think you are doing the best you can, and you seem to me to be doing everything right. Maybe that can give you some comfort, but I understand that it's not much. I remember the feeling all too well. 

3 hours ago, MicheleL said:

It seems selfish to worry about our relationship when she's going through so much but I just want her to be happy.

I don't think it's selfish at all, it's only natural to be feeling worried about the relationship. You have feelings too, and what your dealing with is far from easy. Going through it myself was harder than any death in my family, and feeling the loss of a relationship is a loss in itself. Don't feel guilty. 

While I can't tell you that this relationship will make it through this horrible situation, I can tell you that you will be okay no matter what happens. You sound like a great partner, you're doing your best, and that's all you can do. I thought I would never get through what happened to me, but I have made great progress. I understand that it feels like your whole world is collapsing around you, but try your best not to catastrophize. Kayc and Marty will be able to offer you some resources on supporting a partner through grief. 

I'm hoping for the best for the both of you, take care. 

29 minutes ago, Missmirr said:

Thank you both for your responses. What I’m having so much trouble with is that I feel like I made it about me when he’s going through so much. I wanted answers for what we were and what our plans were. We had planned on moving in together this fall- so when that was obviously not going to happen because his dad will need his help now (meaning he will need to live with his dad now) I just immediately asked him for answers. But that was so selfish of me to be asking him questions about our relationship when he just found his mom unexpectedly dead. I can’t seem to forgive myself for focusing on us when it wasn’t the time to. And I also wonder if I had just not even brought up those questions if him and I would still be together. 

Don't be so hard on yourself @Missmirr, having someone pull away from a relationship is very hard to deal with too, and it's only natural that these questions would arise. My ex and I had plans to move out in the not so near future as well, but once grief struck that all changed and she broke up with me. I doubt that anything you would have done would have changed anything; and its normal to self criticize and pick apart every little thing that could have been a mistake--I did this for months. Was it because I asked her why there was distance? Is because I talked about politics while she was grieving? I went through it all. But punishing yourself does nothing to change your situation, it just keeps you hurting. You MUST forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you may have made. Trust me! The situation you were put in is difficult for anyone to handle; I had no idea how to treat the situation, nor did I understand what she was experiencing. But we both did our best to be there for them with the information we had, and it sounds like your bf reacted as mine did by getting angry and dropping the relationship.

Treat yourself the way would someone you loved, be understanding and self compassionate. But trust me, I understand how you feel, and I am very sorry.

Take care.

Hello Missmirr,

I'm so so sorry about the situation you find yourself in. Like Kayc, I've gone through it too: My gf of 5 months broke things off while I was doing everything I could to support her. Similar to your story, my gf would often take her anger out on me. For over a month she became incredibly distant with me, and she would often yell at me for insignificant things. Trust me, this is not your fault, and do not take his treatment of you personally.  I struggled with blaming myself for months over what happened, especially because everything she said made it seem so personal. Don't blame yourself for wanting love either, I know how incredibly difficult and painful it is to be in a relationship with someone who's distant like that. I wanted to marry my gf too, I loved her dearly, but sadly some people react to grief this way. 

 Kayc's recommendation of No Contact is a wise one and comes from experience; I should have followed it initially, but chose not to--staying in contact severely delayed my healing. Do what you think is best, but just know that any form of contact is only going to keep the wound fresh. When I reached out to her after 32 days, the wounds re-opened and its like we had broken up again--I had to restart the healing process. I thought I would never recover from this experience, but today I can say that it doesn't hurt me anymore.

I hope everything works out for you. I find its best to repeat the sentence "everything that happens, happens for good" daily. Take care.

"Another man was already cured: being near harmed him:

he couldn't bear any meeting with his mistress.

The wound, poorly healed, reopened at the old scar,

and not one of my arts had the least success.

Houses are barely defended from a neighbouring fire:

its best to keep away from places nearby." -Ovid, in Remedia Amoris.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I agree with this statement, so hard with unanswered questions, but we can do it...but then I read this post:

Why Our Need for Closure Makes Us Selfish | The Huffington Post

I can agree with this, but its definitely selfish on the dumper's part to not give the dumpee a clean break when it comes to the future of a relationship. I think so anyway--particularly with the waffling. That's something that assuages their guilt and uncertainty at the expense of our own peace and grieving, especially when hopeium is keeping us addicted.

3 hours ago, Anhid said:

I’m so sorry, this must have been really hard, for both of you.

 

I have no idea how she dealt with the funerals, she didn’t talk about it at all and I didn’t want to talk about it either. But what I mean is... I used to be her « safe place ». I’m actually worried about her because she can’t do anything she likes to distract herself, I know all she can do is cry and stay in bed which is not healthy at all. She’s not the kind of person to recover quickly and since she has nothing left... I’m scared for her. She told me herself that she has lost everything : her family, herself, her education, and me. I don’t know if that makes any sense but the way she talked to me before leaving was kinda weird. It felt like her whole life has stopped, just like this... as if she had no future awaiting for her ? Maybe that was the shock of the situation but I know how she is and this is really worrying. 

You were put in a tough spot, and trust me, I understand your worry and concern for her. I always thought I was my ex's safe place too, I'm not sure if I ever was; But all I can recommend is that you do your best to distract yourself - It seems this situation is out of your control. I'm sorry, and I know that feels practically impossible right now. I'll let the other members give you better advice. Take care.

56 minutes ago, Anhid said:

I will probably feel better too, but it’s still hard for me to look forward to a future without her, especially because she didn’t give me any closure at all and I’m that kind of person who needs to know if something is over or not.

Unfortunately relationships seems to rarely end with the closure we desire. I wish my ex would give me closure as well and I occasionally give my self hope that she will come back. It gives me a quick high but then a really bad low. Closure usually has to come from within. 

28 minutes ago, Anhid said:

I agree with you, there’s too much guilt but it’s not something new. I tried to tell myself that she’s just using it as an excuse to break up with me but it doesn’t make any sense since she’s always been like this. She’s always felt like she was lacking in our relationship (something not true at all) and I think something must have triggered her and convinced her that it was her fault to make me wait for her like this. Oh ! And I forgot to say that she thinks the death of her grandmother was her fault because she’s been dreaming of losing someone close to her for 6 months straight. Well, I think her grief and her pain made her feel like it was too much for hear to bear. Also, she didn’t tell me « maybe the feelings will come back » she told me the opposite : « if you think my feelings for you will ever fade away, then you have no idea just how much I love you » which is why I’m pretty confused...? 

Yeah, its very confusing. Seems like she has some issues she needs to figure out, and unfortunately she's chosen to do that alone. Try your best to not ruminate on it. I use to walk back and fourth for hours a day just trying to figure this stuff out, it's torturous and draining. I know it's hard but please don't do that. 

19 minutes ago, Anhid said:

Hm yes sure, she did. But she also said she will get better for me. As I said, our relationship was pretty unique and it’s always hard to let go of a first love. I know it was her grief talking but I doubt she didn’t know her own mind as our conversation was rushed and she didn’t realize what she was doing at that time. That’s why I said, maybe in a few months, when she feels better and has a clearer mind, she will come back to me. Not as a potential lover, but just as a friend. She owes me an apology for what she has done to me anyway. Grief or not, it’s not an excuse. Also, she didn’t tell me she didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. She was under appreciating herself and told me she doesn’t deserve me. Things like this. That’s why it’s hard for me to know what’s going on exactly, if she needs time alone or if she’s already gone forever.

It's a very difficult situation. My ex said "there is no reason to not want to be with me", and "maybe the feelings will come back", and that she doesn't know if we have a future or not. She also agreed to discuss it in 1-3 months, but the one time I reached out she said "I don't want to talk about it right now", but I'm pretty sure she's seeing someone else already. 

Hopefully she does come back as a friend, but often there seems to be too much guilt. And trust me, I thought our relationship was unique and special too. 

25 minutes ago, Anhid said:

She was under appreciating herself and told me she doesn’t deserve me.

It's difficult to know what these things mean, it's best to take it with a grain of salt, grief or not. I think my ex was too much of a coward to tell me straight up that it was over for good, and these can be ways to assuage the guilt they feel for breaking up with someone good. 

1 hour ago, Anhid said:

but I also know this situation will give me some major traumas as a result

Maybe, but usually it's not about what these situations do to us, it's more how we let them affect us. This can also be an opportunity for growth rather than something that holds us back. Try to keep that perspective; seeing it as a trauma and focusing on the negatives can actually make it one. Our most significant development comes from our hardships - don't let it break you. 

It's going to be a hard process, it takes work to get over, and I still have my tough days; but it does get better. 

1 hour ago, Anhid said:

I'm not scared of waiting for her to heal, honestly, even if it means waiting for a few months. As long as we both work on ourselves, I know things can work out. But you're right, holding on the tiny hope she gave me isn't healthy either, I will try not to have too much expectation from her. 

I held on to this hope too, and my ex gave me every reason to expect it; However, 1 month turned into 2, 2 turned into 3, and so on. I hope your situation is different, but like you say, don't hold on to any expectations. 

Also, if you read many of the posts on the board, it's common for grievers to send mixed messages. They just can't do a relationship right now, and for whatever reason they rarely come back. 

Take care. 

Hi Nikka,

Firstly, I'm very sorry this is happened to you and to your BF of 2 years. I understand how hard this must be for you, and you are in an incredibly difficult situation. Its crazy how similar how stories are.

3 hours ago, Nikka said:

At first, when his sister tragically passed, he pushed it away. He told me he was fine and needed to stay strong for his parents. He said he was the only one who could keep them afloat. He turned to me for distraction and I didn't want to pressure him into talking about things since at home, that was all he heard about constantly. He didn't want pity or for anyone to look at him any differently so I gave that distraction and comfort to him. But, summer hit and things took a turn. He started fading away. He stopped caring about things he normally would care about and in the midst of a pandemic it was hard to find any excitement. 

I stayed by his side and tried to slowly get him to talk about things but eventually it became too much. Around November, I started feeling this overarching fear that he was falling out of love with me but anytime I tried to bring this up it resulted in a fight. He would blame me for the fights and say I asked too much of him. I believed it and worked really hard to give him space but after months of us having this same fight, something in him snapped. One day, he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and didn't know himself anymore.

My ex followed this to the tee. If you want to read my forum post, you may find it useful. Many of the stories here follow the same blueprint as if all our exes are following some manual.

My ex also tried to ignore the feelings and be strong for her parents; however, it was always obvious that she desperately wanted to talk to me about it. Same as you, about a month and a half before the breakup she went cold on me and the fear overtook me. I brought it up a few times and all she did was deny it. Then all of the sudden she starts yelling at me all the time and doubting the relationship, always trying to push me away or justify some reason to break up. It would appear your ex may have been doing the same. Just like Gulf, suddenly all the good morning and good night texts stopped and never did i hear her say an I love you again. My ex also lost 2 people during this few month period.

Just like Gulf, I believe space and No Contact is the best option for your own healing. I stuck with my ex for 1 month after the breakup; she was hot and cold and I reached my emotional breaking point and never have I felt so burned out in my life. 4 months on and I still feel exhausted.  By sticking by him you are delaying your own healing, and just like misery, confusion loves company: you will end up confused yourself. Sadly he may never fix himself, and its not fair for you to have to wait in the wings for him. If you read many of these stories on this forum, these things rarely work out in the end. I understand the how hard the position you are in is, and I understand how hard it is to let him go. I can't blame if you if you choose to stay, but just know what the risks are.

I second what Gulf says, you stuck by him through all this and that's something to be proud of.

I hope things work out for the best for you, take care.

So sorry to hear of this latest development. It took a month and a half for my ex to finally break it off, but nevertheless it was still a shock even though I saw it coming. I also felt she was the love of my life, but remember that someone who breaks up with you during grief is not someone you can trust to be a long term partner. Life has lots of ups and downs and grief is unavoidable. I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but this would have happened eventually, it was only a matter of time.

I agree with Gulf, it's very possible they don't understand themselves right now. Don't take her reactions personally; for people like your girlfriend, they just don't have anything to give in terms of a relationship. It really is her and not you.

Take care.

Hi Sarah,

I'm very sorry that you're going through this, and I understand how it feels that grief--something outside of your control--came in the way of your relationship. Sadly, many can't handle grieving and maintaining a relationship at he same time, and as you describe your girlfriends reaction she seems to be one of those people. Don't take her reaction personally. How your girlfriend is reacting reminds me of what my ex-girlfriend said to me a while back. She use to tell me how scared she was, and also about the lingering nightmares and intrusive thoughts of what had happened.

I understand the anxiety and heart break you must be feeling. Don't be hard on yourself for how you are reacting to this, you have feelings, and a loss of a relationship is a form of grieving in and of itself. For me personally it was harder than any death I had experienced in my life. I also understand that you want to do anything for her, and I felt the same way; But sadly she has chosen to deal with this by herself and its not fair for you to have to wait on the sidelines while she does. I stayed around with my ex for a month after the break up and all it did was push me to the breaking point and prolong my healing. There is no guarantee that she will come back when she does figure herself out, if she ever does, so its best that you put your own healing first, as she has with her own. If you read many of the stories here, it is very unlikely that things will work out again. I'm sorry. I do hope this isn't the case, but it's something to consider.

Its best for both of you to cease contact. She seems to need time alone, and you need time to recover from this painful experience. She will most likely perceive your calls and texts as pressure, especially if she asked for space/time; and Hope will only prolong your pain: every dose of it keeps you addicted, and love is an addiction. I know this is hard and very scary, but try your best to distract yourself, this situation is out of your control. I know all too well that your world seems like its collapsing around you right now, but coming from someone who recently went through what you are right now (long distance included), it does get better, but No Contact is the key.

Some of the other members may be able to give you better advice,

Take care.

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Nothing wrong with that but it's a preferential thing.  I have a book "Pathways to the Soul" that is really good, some people feel closer to God in nature (me), some in Liturgy...there were four in all, I can't remember the other two as it's been over 20 years since I read it.  I had a friend who liked Liturgy, she joined the Catholic Church, that's not me, but everyone is different, the important thing is finding where YOU are comfortable!  I remember once going into a church that had 7,000 attenders, 5,000 per Sunday, and I was shocked to see someone wearing a bathing suit!  The church I grew up in would have escorted them out!  I went to a small 20-30 congregation prior to this so it was a bit of a shock, but it had been highly pentecostal and some of the things I saw made me leave...the big church, for me, was a time of healing, also non-denominational in practice but I think they were four-square?  Faith Center in Eugene, led by Roy Hicks, he had a radio show.  It was NOT pretentious or showmanship, it was very real and authentic, I loved it, but when I moved here, I ended up in the same denomination I grew up in.  After many years of study and prayer, my beliefs differed from theirs and I switched to Baptist.  I don't always see eye to eye in application (they can get bogged down in stuff sometimes, it's ruled by men totally, that always bugged me, while they may be "over us" we were given a brain!  And sometimes the best person for a job IS a woman, to me it should be based on qualifications not just gender, but that's practically blasphemy in the Baptist Church!  I joke about a hymn "I shall not be moved" being Baptist, pun intended.  But I love the people, warts and all, and it's my home.  My George was baptized there and his funeral held there.  

Hmm all very interesting, but I am a bit lost on the denominations. I think I might pick up C.S. Lewis' book "Mere Christianity" to get a better understanding of everything. I have heard of Pentecostal, and I agree with you. I've also heard of Baptist, and can understand your disagreements. We don't have much of that stuff where I live. Did you study a lot about faith and Christianity? If I had an ideal I would want something on the traditional side of Catholicism (although I'm not big on papacy) or even Orthodox. It feels kind of like I'm "shopping" though, and it feels a bit inauthentic for me to be looking around, maybe just because I'm not fully into the faith. It would have been much easier to have been born in and just follow the family tradition instead of making my own.

However, there are some people who consider themselves Christian without believing in god. Seems like an obvious heresy, but the way they describe it is that the act of faith is what makes god real, plus they follow the doctrines. Just from my experience with prayer, that is more in line with what I would believe. I'll be honest, I'm pretty confused spiritually. I tried getting into variations of New Age stuff like "spiritual but not religious". At the end of the day these beliefs are just nihilism with a dress on and they don't offer any redemption, reassurance, values, or community. Just more melancholy and feelings of void.