Boho-Soul

Well, my estate lawyer emailed me a couple weeks ago to say the court finally granted probate. I received the certified copy in the mail last week, so now I can put my name on title for the 2nd property and his 2 cars. That will allow me to rent the 2nd property when the reno’s are done and sell the vehicles. I also called the ME office earlier this week, testing is done and I should get the full autopsy report next month. I requested a phone call from the medical examiner for them to tell and/or explain the cause of death as I don’t won’t to read it off a report as I may not even understand the medical terms. Feeling relieved the wait is over as it’s been over 1.5 years, but mostly feeling anxious because of what it will say. And there’s the possibility that it will be inconclusive with the cause being unknown, so that’ll be a hard thing to process.

Thx for your post scba. I’ve done yoga for over a decade and was even working at a yoga studio when my husband died. I was doing 60 or 90 minute classes 5 to 6 times a week. After he died I couldn’t do any yoga for months. Now I do 20 minutes self paced sessions a day at home using the down dog app. I’m in no rush to get back to doing 60 or 90 minutes in a studio, but some gentle movement each day is good. And I so agree with breathing, so soothing for the mind and body. I’ve never heard of Yoga for Grief. Love the idea of that. I’ll have to search and see if something like that is available in my city.

Not sure who still reads my posts, but I’m sharing a brief update anyway. No word on my late husband’s cause of death, in 5 days it’ll be a year and a half but who’s counting 🖐, yup, me. I’ll probably call the ME office next week, ask them how long this can go on for. I would think at some point they’ll have to state the cause as inconclusive if nothing is determined. I’ve been dealing with a lot of physical tension & pain the last several months. I went to physio for shockwave therapy, dry needling and interferential current, but it stirred things up and made it worse. Then I saw my massage therapist who said getting poked with needles and having currents run through my body was to aggressive. She felt I have trapped or stored emotions within my body due to the trauma and grief, and that these difficult emotions probably manifested physically. So after a relaxing myofascial massage she suggested I try Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy. Apparently it’s a gentle modality that calms the nervous system, creates a safe place to release trauma from the body and aids the body’s natural ability to heal itself. It sounds soothing so I booked a session for 2 weeks out. Hoping it provides some healing and relief.

Yup, my experience exactly. If I take the meds when the onset symptoms start I’m good, it’s a sublingual tablet so it dissolves and goes into my bloodstream to work quickly - and I’ll always be napping later 😴

I live in Southern Alberta, Canada, we too have a similar saying, “If you don’t like the weather just wait 5 minutes.” We’re known for our interior Chinook winds here. That may be similar to the Pacific NW and Oregon, not sure though. We get warm dry winds that flow East over the Rockies. We can have snow on the ground, a Chinook wind will blow through in the morning and within hours snow is turning into puddles making it feel like spring 😃 Chinooks can bring astonishing temperature changes from -24°C to +3°C in hours. We had a Chinook this past week, the warm winds felt lovely. The wind is not so fun for migraines sufferers like me though, they can be fierce, gusting up to 80-100 km/h. I always have my migraine meds on standby. Its hard to hear you’ll be missing your grandson’s bday kayc. Hopefully you can plan another one when the weather is on your side and celebrate for a second time 🎂

I bought a new shovel this week, needed a good one as I’m now the only one shovelling snow. Seriously don’t want to be the only one doing it as time passes. I will get myself to a place where I’m mentally, emotionally and physically strong again, and as I continue to recover and heal I’ll do all I can to create a great life for myself. I don’t want to be sad, alone and bitter. I’ll do whatever I can to make new meaningful friendships, have an active social life and perhaps even find a new special someone to share life with. I won’t be dishonouring my late husband if I do, he will always be part of my history, and I know he wanted me to have a good life. So as time moves forward I need to create my new life and new memories. I will not envision myself growing old and doing life alone, that’s not going to be my future. I’m determined and will find a way to continue to live my life abundantly. My dad is 93 and lives independently with his wife, he remarried when he was widowed. He continues to have a great fulfilling life with friends and has a loving connection and companionship with his wife. His life is now an inspiration for me.

Being alone sucks! My grandson Jeremy was 1 yr old 3 days ago, my daughter had the birthday party today. I love being around him, he’s such a sweet soul and he makes me smile 🥰 It was hard though, lots of family members there, all coupled up. I was very aware how single I was. Did not like the feeling at all, a strange emotional emptiness. I came home to an empty, quiet house and cried. No one to share my day with 😥 Being alone sucks!

Thank you both for your responses kayc and Gwenivere. I agree with everything you said Gwenivere. I plan to focus on my eye surgery and healing, then when I’m ready I’ll have a strong talk with him. I won’t send an email or text as I don’t know if his wife has access to his phone. The really hard part is he’s been helping me sort out the repairs on my 2nd property so I can get it ready to rent, which has been super helpful. If I end all communication, which is my first reaction, then I’ll have to continue to sort that out on my own, adding to my stress. Life just seems so complicated now 🤦‍♀️

MichelleS I don’t know your specific situation so it’s hard to respond. Speaking from my situation, I experienced anxiety which was very new to me. I think it was just fear of what my future would be like. Also, my doctor thought going back to work would be a good thing, boy was he wrong. My anxiety went out of control due to undue stress from work. It only subsided when my doctor put me on medical leave. It would be wise to assess your life stress beyond your grief (which I’m so terribly sorry you have to go through) and, it’s always wise to consult your doctor about any changes regarding your health, especially during times of grief, as self care is so important ❤️

The last few days have been crazy. Three days ago I was aware of a floater in my right eye. I got concerned because 3 yrs ago I had retinal surgery on both eyes due to holes in my retinas, all went well and I recovered. I knew I had to be aware of possible floaters because it may be due to more retinal damage. I saw my ophthalmologist today, the floater is of no concern, but another hole was spotted in my left retina. So I’ll be getting laser surgery for that in 3 days. The hard part is I’ll be going through this without my Michael 😔 He was so supportive the first time I went through this. But there’s more to add to this story. My late husband had a good friend, we knew him and his family for 25 yrs and he was the best man at our wedding. He stepped up to help with many things after my husband died. Over the last year we spend time together as he helped me with cleaning up one of the properties, donating clothing for me, etc. During this time he mentioned he liked getting to know me more and stated he found me attractive. I promptly stated my boundaries saying he was just a friend and I thought of him like a brother. He acknowledged this and nothing more was said. When I noticed my eye floater I got really anxious so called him to talk it out. He asked if I wanted him to come over and I said, ok. He came over, gave a hug as a friend which is typical for us to do, then he asked if he could kiss me 😳 I said no, obviously. Highly inappropriate, and morally wrong as he is a married man, and he crossed the boundary I clearly stated. I’m in no way attracted to him in that way, never mind the emotional state I’m still in grieving the traumatic loss of my late husband. I don’t even know how to process this. I’ve talked to my sister, my daughter and my therapist about this already, but needed to write it out to help me process, so I thought I’d do so here. I’m so pissed he thought my vulnerable state could possibly be a window of opportunity for him. Ending on good news - my long term disability claim was accepted 👍

A new year - I truly hope 2020 isn’t as lonely as 2021 was. Also hope the ME report arrives this month and the probate is finalized soon. Hard to believe it’s been over a year and I still don’t know my husband’s cause of death. I’ve been struggling so much not being able to process his death properly that my therapist said I have signs of ptsd, which is lovely. My Dr filled out forms for long term disability from work until things are resolved and I’ve stabilized emotionally. Damn, I’d never have predicted I would be going through something like this at such a young age. All I can do is believe God has a plan to restore my life.

I haven’t heard of Boli, perhaps it’s a US thing and not in Canada. What is it? ... I googled - it’s probably similar to the Canadian Human Rights Commission

It sucks when friends don’t have time for you, and you need to talk things out. Maybe I need some new friends. I returned to work a month ago with modifications for part-time work & reduced driving time. My Dr determined it was best to support my healing, and stated it was due to a medical concern as he isn’t obligated to provide details. My manager needed more clarification, because she said when my Dr wrote I was to work only 2.5 days a weeks it wasn’t clear enough. My Dr thought that was ridiculous but was glad to detail what 2.5 days a week meant. My Dr has extended this for another month and HR department is now wanting further clarification as to why I need these specific modifications. I just need time to heal from my trauma response & this is causing me undue stress. My friends don’t have time to talk & one friend just sent a text saying, “I feel bad you’re going through this.” It’s nice to hear but it’s not enough. Well, that’s my latest rant. I know things will get better, but the road to better sucks.

My husband was in hospital when he died too, but initial autopsy couldn’t determine cause of death. After the initial autopsy they told me there was no sign of heart attack or stroke, and no infections or blood clots were found. Those are the big ones. So it went to secondary autopsy. Our family doctor said people pass from either cardiac arrest (not the same as heart attack-it just means the heart stops) or respiratory failure, which means they stop breathing. The reasons why vary (ie. respiratory failure can occur if one has pneumonia). The hospital team couldn’t even tell me if he experienced cardiac arrest or respiratory failure, which seems ridiculous to me. If I knew which one he experienced and was just waiting for the reason why, that would be better than being in the dark. I’m glad I found this place to express my stuff even if few can understand or relate to my situation. It’s not the same as a face-to-face support group, however I’m thankful all the same.

Thanks for your response Gwenivere I was issued a death certificate within days, which was beneficial in dealing with specific things. In Canada though, life insurance companies need cause of death before they can process a claim, so it’s waiting for the medical examiner to write the report and send it along with a specific cause of death certificate. That’s what I’m waiting on to then give to the insurance company. Perhaps it’s delayed due to covid. Yes, I’ve made calls, but was told to wait. Initially I was sent a form to fill out to indicate if I wanted a copy of the report. I ticked off the ‘yes’ box and sent them the required $55, and now I continue to wait. The accompanying letter stated the wait would be 6-12 months, but people I’ve talked to said they received it in 4 or 6 months. The fact it’s now going into month 10 is beyond cruel.

I don’t like this day - 9.11 This was the event that caused my late husband to spiral into a severe depression, which then affected our marriage. I’m now understanding that it was his unmedicated mental illness that destroyed our relationship, not him. The core of who he truly was, well he was an incredible man. Today my emotions are all over the place - anger is back, sadness, feelings I can’t even find the words for. It’s been over 9 months and still no medical report, so I’m still waiting for cause of death. It’s taking a mental toll on me. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this because they either can’t relate to the complexities of my situation or they share their challenges of life and I’m not emotionally strong enough to hear their struggles. I’m still dealing with the hoarding issues at both our/my properties and I’m overwhelmed. I’m getting some help from generous friends, but they have lives and families so I don’t want to impose on them to much. I could hire professionals but that takes $$$ and finances are tight. If the medical report would come I could complete legal issues such as life insurance and that would help. This is one hard road and not how I want to live my life. Hopefully when the dust settles I can create the life that serves me better than what I’m living right now. Long post, but I had to get it out.

Wonderful post ☺️thx for sharing Missy How were you able to feel close to God during your grieving to hear him speak to your heart? I struggle to feel close to God since my husband’s passing.

It just ridiculous. And cruel. It’s been almost 8 months since my husband died, it was something unforeseen & unknown and so a 2nd autopsy had to be done to determine the cause. I paid to receive a full report, obviously I need answers to help get closure on his death. I’ve yet to receive it and it’s taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally & physically. It’s cruel that the medical examiner knows and I have to wait 😒 And I’m starting to realize the impact his depression had on me while we were married. I’m still dealing with, and trying to heal from the loss of my marriage while he was alive. I continue to struggle on how to untangle myself from all this. I just want my life back so I can move on without the past weighing me down. It’s strange how some of my friends have made themselves unavailable, I contact them and get ghosted. Didn’t expect I’d lose friends, it’s like they don’t won’t to see me incase ‘death-of-spouse’ might be contagious. The 2 close friends I do see only have time for brief visits, they have lives with their husbands & families beyond seeing me. I may have to make some new friends.

Gwenivere, Yes, skin hunger - I heard it called touch starved and I definitely feel it. I even miss the small touches of my late husband, like holding his hand *sigh* I hug my daughter & my new 4 month old grandson (he’s a bundle of love that sweet li’l boy). I’m thankful about that but it’s not quite the same as that intimate hug from a spouse. I’m with you - I’ll accept all hugs that are offered which is limited due to Covid as I’m in quite a deficit right now 🤗

Hey Capricorn1 I googled grounding or earthing, it’s very interesting. Reminds me of when I was a child digging in the soil & gardening when I became an adult. I always feel good when I’m in nature. I plan to finally create a sanctuary in my yard this summer which I’m sure will be very therapeutic 🌸🌳

I’ve only had one session, and I’ll book another. It’s self paced basically, so you go as much as you feel you need or want to. Once a certain emotion from a specific event is released it’s gone. So if one had anger for one event that was released it’s done, but one might still have anger regarding another situation or event. Each emotion released is connected to a body part where the trapped emotion was stored, so physical healing will also occur. It’s rather interesting. Hopefully it’s beneficial for me

Update: Well the pain in my solar plexus continued to the point of getting sick, so on the 2 day of this I got an appointment at Primary Health Network. The doc couldn’t definitively determine what it was, but did a bunch of test to make sure it wasn’t H-pylori or another nasty bug. Also got a Covid test. Everything came back negative which was good news, and the pain is now gone. Since then I remembered something a friend told me about 3 years ago called Emotion Code which helps release trapped emotions and I’ve had one session already and apparently released 6 emotions, 2 were sadness & fear. I think I’ll book a 2nd as I did feel calmer after the first one, so that’s promising.

Kieron, I did a quick search, apparently the emotion of worry is associated with the solar plexus. It makes sense for me, I’ve felt worried about different aspects of my future since my late husband died, then add the pandemic on top of that. It’s hard to feel settled. I’ve used EMDR for past traumas, it was the vibrating hand paddles that I tried, helped to process unwanted or reoccurring memories. It was very effective. Don’t think it’s a modality that fits my current scenario though. I’ve researched EFT for a friend a few years back, doesn’t seem like it’s something I could buy into. Thx for your support and the links kayc. And thx for you concern Gwenivere, your input is helpful and if the discomfort continues I won’t hesitate to call my doctor.

Grief in the arms - interesting. Wonder what I’m holding in my solar plexus? And, how does one release lodged emotions?

I meet my late husband on this day 26 years ago, our first date was 2 days later on my birthday. *Ugh* His birthday would have been next month. My solar plexus has been hurting every night for the past 2 weeks, not sure if it’s related or not. Not happy about either situation.