Boho-Soul

Wow, that's some stereo system James! It could make for some epic parties, even if was just for you. Rock on 🤘🏼

Yeesh, hate when that happens. Crazy how kids can be sick and have energy. Hope you stay well 🤞🏼

I would expect most of you had future plans and dreams that dissolved when your spouse passed away. Mine did. Maybe you even had thoughts and dreams of what it would be like if you and your loved one were lucky enough to win the lottery. My Michael and I thought and dreamt about what we’d do if we won LottoMax (a lottery in my country). Our plan was to build our LottoMax retirement home (a modest layout we initially designed), and homes for the kids on a large acreage. We’d also hire a cleaner, a chef to cook nutritious meals, and have a personal trainer/yoga instructor to keep us fit as we moved into retirement. Michael would quit work and dive more into his music, and I'd spend my time gardening and writing my novels. We also planned to donate funds to meaningful charities. If I won the lottery now I’d still do everything I mentioned. Questions: What would you do if you won the lottery now? Would it involve dreams you shared with your loved one? Would you move? If so, where?

Yup, I don't like rap music either, not my thing.

Totally agree with that statement.

I'm with you James, I'm not a classical music fan. Although, I did listen to a certain kind of classical music while in college, apparently it was suppose to help with studying. Don't listen to it now though. I like music with a beat or rhythm I can follow or move to. I also like some instrumentals that evoke emotion, like "Winter Games" by David Foster, the Olympic Theme Song from Calgary 1988 Olympics. It has piano, and I Love piano. I'm not a jazz fan either, maybe some soft jazz. To me jazz it like abstract art, very chaotic and often confusing. I also like electric dance music, it definitely has a beat. It's great how there's a music genre for everyone's unique preference 🎵

I was single from 1994 to 2004, the year I married Michael. That was the exact 10 years the TV show "Friends" was on air, and the same 10 years Michael and I dated before we married. It was our show. Michael would come over to my place every week and we'd watch it together. It's the only reason I now have Crave, so I can still watch the show. It brings back a happier time, and makes me laugh which is healing.

Thanks for your post Marty, it’s spot-on! 👍

There’s so much said in your post, so I’m going to response to each point separately. It may also be a long post. As one who has gone through a lot of therapy for some major events, let me assure you it’s NOT just for overcoming some flaw. There are many different types of therapists or psychologists. I started seeing one who specialized in grief and loss, and saw her for a year after my husband’s death. Now I see a different one who specializes in trauma and grief, and uses a beneficial technique called EMDR, something I done before with great results. Something I’ve learned about grief is sometimes we need different kinds of help or therapy, especially if it involves trauma. Trauma is anything that overwhelms one’s ability to cope. It’s an event that one experiences that is too much, too fast. Death fits this criteria, and if not dealt with may turn into complicated grief. I would suggest searching for a therapist who specializes in grief and loss. And if the first one isn’t a fit, find another. Being able to develop a therapeutic relationship with your therapist is key to one’s success in therapy. Therapy is more than just explaining the facts. We all have facts around our loss, and we all have experiences that have devastated us. It more about facing and processing the emotions around one’s loss, along with many other aspects. A therapist may say, “Wow, you’ve been through a lot, I’m so sorry,” as that’s pretty common, but if that’s said without any tangible ways to help you process your grief and accompanying emotions, then find another. Therapists use all kinds of approaches to support their clients, such as cognitive behavioural therapy, EMDR, solution-focused therapy, internal family systems etc. Given you family situation, a skilled therapist may help sort out what is behind the family dynamics since your wife’s death. It may not fix things, but it might help you gain a different perspective around it. If you are a person of faith, talking to someone from your church can be a great support. Just keep in mind they are not professionally trained in grief and loss, and the complexities that may accompany a loss. They can, however be of great help to guide you in your faith and spiritual life. Loss is a part of life, and it sucks. I don’t believe life events happen because we ‘deserve’ them. And is it really bad luck? Life happens, and that includes hard, challenging times. No one is jinxed, no one is flawed, no one has done anything to be deserving of loss, or any type of trauma, but it happens. Yes, see your doctor. I can relate to how loss can affect one physically. Self care is a priority when doing grief work, to me, going to your doctor is part of that equation. “What help should you seek?” Well, start with a physical to get a baseline and go from there.

I had a calico cat called Cessy (short for Cessna) when I was single. Michael adopted her when we started dating. She passed when she was 19 yrs old, 5 years after we married. Then together we got Annie, a grey oriental short-hair. When Michael died Annie sat on his spot of the sectional for a solid month. Then she started sitting on the rug in the front foyer of the house waiting for him to come home. That lasted for a long while too. I'm sure she's still mourning. She'll sometimes do her business in the foyer or just outside her litter box. It's frustrating, but I think she's just expressing her sadness, so I just clean it up.

Some times I don't think about certain things until I have to do it myself. I'm trying to watch a TV series on Crave but it's acting twitchy tonight. Normally Michael would know what to do, now I'm trying to figure it out. It was the same last year when I had to hook up the new Wi-Fi myself. Took me a couple of hours to get it done, but yay ☺️ I did it which was empowering. Still, I totally miss having a man around the house to help with technological things, or other things that guys are better at, like lifting heavy stuff or fixing certain things. Update: Crave is now working

Interesting question nashreed. I'm not posting to proselytize or create a debate, I'm just stating my options and beliefs. I believe that doing good cannot get us into Heaven. Our salvation is not something we can accomplish by doing or being good. None of us could ever gain enough merit to deserve Heaven. I believe our salvation and passage to Heaven depends solely on the great work of Jesus Christ. In my faith no one will be turned away from heaven as long as they have faith and believe in God the Son, or Jesus, then they will have eternal life with him in Heaven. At the time of our death God asks, “Did you believe in my Son for salvation?” If one had faith and believed, then their soul will be welcomed into Heaven. I also believe God shows love, mercy and compassion for those who did not have faith. Also believe we don’t have to worry about feeling out of place in heaven. We’ll be one big family. It is uniquely designed by a tender, loving Savior to be the place where we will live together for all eternity. We'll have new bodies, so all the afflictions we have here on earth will be no more, we’ll be made new. I believe this wholeheartedly.

It's interesting how everyone has different ways of life. I'd never watch news before going to bed. I'm typically asleep before midnight, sometimes 11:pm. That didn't change after my husband died. Something about my experience had me sleeping right through the night all the time, then napping during the day. The napping has faded off though. My Dr gave me a few sleeping pills, because I had a small stretch for about a week at some point where I wasn't sleeping. I snapped it in half and it was enough to get me asleep, but I didn't want to become dependent on them. Plus the 3 days I took the half pills it dropped my blood pressure way low, something like 88/62, so no more for me. The other night was a one-off, I was at my studio that night with friends and one bought me a kombucha. I drink it often, but it was a different brand and it had more caffeine than my typical brand. I'm pretty sure that's what kept me up the other night. Tonight I'm up a little later than usual because my gut hurts, so I'll see how the night goes 🤞🏼

Yes! This forum is a beautiful thing. Never thought I’d make virtual friendships, especially under this context. I’m so thankful for this discussion forum 😊

Everyone’s situation is different so I understand my thoughts may not resonate with anyone on the topic of happiness. Maybe it’s my feisty, rebellious nature, or the fact I’ve overcome other big life moments, but I can’t except that one can never truly be happy again. I agree it won’t be like it once was, but life is amazing, and can bring us joy, or we can create it. I believe love and joy is everywhere and I just won’t except that I’ll never be happy and joyful again. It’ll be different, yes, but I “will” find new joy and happiness in my life moving forward.

I had solid friendships that dissolved after Michael died. Never did I think that would happen. You never know how life will change. If you made/had friends who knows how they would have reacted. Look at Sad and how his family just dismiss him - and that’s family. Makes me so, so sad to read about Sad’s family basically excluding or ghosting him. I know it’s hard to make new friendships, but that’s what I decided to do. It may not be easy, but I hope you’ll find a way to create new friends, it’s my prayer for you.

Whoa, that's just so hard to read. I miss my Michael so much, but I'm doing all I can to find new meaning in my life. My hope is you'll want to find meaning for yourself 🙏

Change can be good, but timing is important. One needs to be wise when deciding on changes. I'm definitely not a professional, but I'd suggest getting supports in place, working through some of your stuff (we all have stuff) and then once you feel you've reached a place of better emotional health then weigh out options for change. I just thinks it's wise to make changes from a place of wellness.

I did GriefShare twice, and got more out of it the second time. Everyone going is there for the same reason, and it's so supportive. Great thing is it's free. Ok, just putting an option on the virtual whiteboard here: Try googling GriefShare+your city and see what comes up. You might be surprised, and who knows, they might be meeting in-person now. If so, you'll have a support network, and you just might meet some new friends 🤞🏼

👍🏼 Yup, will be talking to my therapist about this on Friday.

James, didn’t realize you had a condition. It must be in an older post I haven’t read. That’s a very valid, and important question you posted kayc. James, maybe think how things would unfold if/when your mom dies. If you have a condition perhaps your doctor could help connect you with the support you need to help you navigate your current situation. I’m just posting an option, never advise. I know you know this, but I just want to state it again. I’m pro with pet therapy! Maybe you could visit a local animal shelter, get some cuddles with a cat, or walk/play with a dog. You’d definitely give the animals some joy, and you just might experience some joy yourself 🤞 Always sending the best of thoughts your way 😁

Sounds like you were getting up right about the time I was finally falling asleep. I had thoughts last night, but it wasn’t like I had ruminating thoughts and that’s what kept me up. I’ve had those nights. Last night was just different, don’t know how else to say it.

I don’t think I’m doing it. I’m not really facing the situation and I’m kinda distancing myself so if/when he dies I’m not affected. Doesn’t seem healthy to avoid the reality of his situation, but it’s what I need to do. Well I guess that’s me doing it then. Seems weird to put him in a cue for my anticipated grief, like he’s holding a number at a deli counter.

Can’t sleep. Thought I’d post. Typically I’ve been having deep, heavy sleeps. Tried my usual guided meditations, which always lulls me to sleep, but not tonight 🤷🏻‍♀️ Nothing really big on my mind to keep me up. Meeting a contractor at the studio tomorrow, but that’s a positive thing. I’ve been thinking I need a vacation. Not so much to go to a specific place, just to get away from my situation. Can’t really do that though, it’ll just follow me. Life seems so weird at 2:am. Maybe it’s just being up at 2:am that’s weird. Gonna try to sleep again 😴🤞

I'm still processing and healing from the death of my husband 20 months ago. A year ago my husband's closest friend, who was also the best man at our wedding, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He was doing rather amazing with his immuno-therapy treatments, however things have shifted. His cancer is in different areas of his body and he ended up in hospital for a bit last month. I've know him and his family for 26 years, watched his kids grow up, went to many dinner parties he hosted (they were epic), and he was the one helping me with so much after my husband died. I'm not sure how to face this. It seems at some point he will die, it's just a matter of when. Even if he lives 2 more years it will be hard. I feel myself putting up an armored barrier so it doesn't blend into my grief I have for my husband. It's like I'm protective with my husband's grief and don't want it tainted by any other form of grief. Maybe that's not possible 🤷🏼‍♀️ I also need to be careful not to allow undue stress into my life while dealing with the trauma and complicating factors around my husband's death. I'm currently on LTD while I heal and don't want to regress backwards and undo all the work I've done around my mental and physical well-being. I need to take care of myself, but I just don't know how to navigate this situation.