Boho-Soul

Yup, totally miss the presence of a man in my life. I don't need one as I proved that to myself when I was single, still, as you said sad_widower, you can't suppress feelings. Having a male friend around to help with things, like mow my lawn, shovel snow etc., would be so great. And to have that male energy around, something that is so hard to explain would be amazing. Hanging with my female friends (which for the most part scattered after my husband died) was great, but the conversations were sometimes hard to engage in - like the latest weight-loss diet, or newest clothing style, or general complaining about whatever (often their husbands). Male friendships are great, I've had some really great male friendships in my life (which faded after I married) and it was so refreshing. Their conversations were so enriching, they brought wonderful perspectives and I was lucky to feel that genuine caring they offered as a brother would. To find that now would be so hard. Widowers are few, as it's more common for men to die early leaving many widows feeling lonely. I'd like to find a male friend though, one that wasn't like a guy's guy, like totally into sports or go to the pub on wing night to drink beer. But a guy who was maybe more cultured. It would make for more interactive conversations rather that talking sports, monster trucks or how much they bench press. Wow, just writing this reminds me of what I miss *sigh*. Deep down I feel I'd like to have another romantic relationship, and yes, I know it would be different, but it'd just be another adventure in the next chapter of my life. I'm so not ready now though, but the thought does linger.

Thx for sharing more of your story Sad Widower. I can understand and relate to the mental shut-down. My husband was in an accident exactly 5 weeks prior to his death, so I accessed my Critical Family Illness benefits and was on leave from work. When he passed my work just put me on medical leave. I’m so thankful for that as I would probably be MIA as well due to shock settling in and lingering for months. I’m currently in LTD now while I work through the trauma of witnessing his death, plus his accident (I arrived at the accident scene and was with him in the trauma unit). I so glad your son was able to come home and be with you, bring you back to the land-of-the-living as they say. Although I’m not sure if I’m totally there yet myself. It really is great that your soul-searching has helped you find a new life purpose. It’s inspiring to hear 😊

This is way different than the purposed club you outlined before. This ideas sounds like it would be supportive for all and a great way to create new friendships. I only stated you appeared ‘well off’ based on what you wrote in past posts - you mentioned your home was 3500 sq ft and full of stuff, that you make good money due to your position, and that you recently got a new job making more than you ever had. I guess it all boils down to perspective. And please know that I don’t want to dismiss all the hard work and effort you and your late wife put in during your 25 years together to build the life you had.

I think there’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, needing one can sometimes be a different story, especially when one’s grief is so raw. Getting into a relationship to fill the void of loneliness may not be wise. One should feel complete and whole as a single person before pursuing a relationship. Since you’ve never experienced being single and on your own this is a huge learning opportunity for you to find out who you are as a single woman. Take proper time to grieve and bring yourself into a new baseline of who you are first.

Early to late evenings are the hardest. Eating the evening meal alone is hard, although since his death it’s not so much a meal as what’s easy to prep and eat. Some nights it’s just yogurt and berries, or maybe avocado toast. The loneliness sets in most after that, no one to interact with, to watch a show, go for an evening walk or just sit and share each others day.

I’m tiny too, only 5’1” and consistent at 104 lbs. I only gained 14 lbs when pregnant, it was all baby though as my daughter was 7lbs 7oz. People used to say I looked like a pregnant Q-tip.

From your past posts I gathered you are quite well off financially, so doing this would be nothing. You have the funds and the large home that allows for parties and socializing. Most people are not in a position to throw a themed party to celebrate their loves ones. I can’t help but think how this sounds like an opportunity to flaunt - I mean, serve a variety of dishes (who has the energy to cook when grieving, never mind the cost), give guests a tour of your house - really? How palatial is you home? Show off prized possessions? Again, really? To what purpose? Yes they may have meaning to you, but if I attended such a gathering those possessions (china, vases etc.) would just be items that speak of affluence and wealth. I live a comfortable life, and my late husband had a high-end sports car, but I would never think of showing it off or giving them a house tour of my modest home if I was hosting a grief group gathering.

I titled my thread "Can anyone relate?" because I wanted to know if I was alone in my scenario regarding unresolved issues after a sudden loss. And I didn't expect I'd be waiting so long for a cause of death, but the situation does tie into my thread title. I don't think the delay is due to bureaucratic incompetence, it's quite possibly due to the added case load of autopsies due to covid, but who knows. What I do know is eventually I'll get an answer, because by law I have to. It's super hard to work through this aspect of loss alone. I can't even explain my feeling of not knowing, doesn't matter, because it appears that nobody can relate. The lack of responses on this topic of not knowing and waiting tells me that.

I've been struggling as I wait for my husband's cause of death *sigh* For the love of God - it'll be 20 months in August! I called the medical examiners office mid June, they said testing is done and they just have to write the report. "Should be done in about 14 days," they said. After 14 days passed and no response, I called them. They said the report is written, the ME just needs to review a few sections (whatever). I asked how long that would be and was told a couple of weeks (wtf?) They can write a report in 14 days, but it takes weeks to review it? Really? This was Mid July, and I asked, "So I'll hear from you by the end of the month?" They said, "Hopefully." Given the ongoing waiting game I'm now thinking it will be August, if I'm lucky. It's bad enough dealing with my loss and walking this road I did not choose, but this extra fiasco has taken an extreme mental and physical toll on me. I have a hard time concentrating and staying focused, and I can't seem to get ahead of the intense muscle tension and accompanying pain. I'm so frustrated I can't even ... It's been so hard to share the details of my situation because it's so unique I don't think anyone gets it. Who can really relate if they haven't been through this ridiculous waiting game? This whole thing is so f^cked up

Could be wishful thinking, Hollywood loves to promote sentimental thinking. And then, the impression that's left to the world is that the dead can observe people or loved ones on earth, and perhaps have powers of influence. I guess it all comes down to what one believes, and/or what you give meaning to. I haven't experienced anything that suggests my loved one is present, although that's due to my beliefs and faith in God. I don't believe in spiritualism, or beliefs that buys into supposed communications with the spirits of the dead. As a Christ follower my husband and I believe that we are souls visiting this earth and our final destination is Heaven. When we die we are home with our maker, so it's hard to imagine souls in Heaven want to spend time looking towards earth at all the suffering that's happening when we've arrived at our final home with God in Heaven. As well, I don't believe that a soul develops super powers once they die and have the ability to affect electricity or make a butterfly cross ones path. Hope that didn't com across as preachy, not my intention. Just sharing my thoughts on life. I do believe that we all have souls in our earthly bodies, and that souls connect, whether it's through friendships or something deeper like romantic relationships. I call that a soul-tie. To me, people are energetic beings, so if we've made a soul tie with someone, when they die we feel that energetically. And when a loved one dies that separation of our soul-tie causes a wound and intense pain, maybe that's part of ones grief.

What an amazing way to mark a sad date. Angelversary is now part of my vocabulary, thx

Whoa, I so get that. I hope you’re able to access professional help, perhaps a grief therapist that gets what you’re going through. Honestly, it’s making a huge difference for me, still working through stuff, but it’s so beneficial when you’ve got the right support. 💕🤗💕

I initially saw a specialized grief therapist, now I’m seeing a general therapist. I’ve learned there are different types of grief. A couple I related to are “ambiguous loss” which refers to loss without closure, and “disenfranchised grief” which includes losses such as a pet, perinatal loss, abortions, loss of a body part, loss of a personality from mental illness, declining health or dementia, and loss of a loved one who is not blood related. I totally get it when you say you felt like you were already grieving the loss - that’s disenfranchised grief. I call it a living loss, and sadly people don’t get it. That’s what makes this healing process to hard, it’s not just a typical grief scenario, there’s more layers to it. Then when you add on past traumas in the mix, which is the case for me, the situation then becomes complicated grief.

I empathize with you. So sorry your marriage had more challenges than most. Hearing your story makes me feel like I’m not alone with my scenario. It’s so hard to see our loved ones is such turmoil, pain, and ongoing stress due to something. And yes, it is hard on us as well. It’s sad to hear you had slipped into a depression, although so understandable. I believe there were moments I had low grade depression, but I would always rebound out of it, possibly due to ongoing therapy which helped me cope. When he died I had such intense anger, I would stomp up the stairs shouting, “sh!t, sh!t, sh!t” every time my foot hit a step. I was angry and frustrated with the mess he had created due to his hoarding. I now had to clean it up, like I was now responsible for his mental illness. There was so much to sort through and clean up in our 2 properties, I call it his piles of depression. The studio is now cleaned up, but there is a lot of damage that I now have to fix up which just adds to my stress. I still have work to do on our matrimonial home too, which is harder to work through. It’s so hard to grieve when there’s these added stressors.

Wow, it’s so helpful to know someone (virtually) who has experienced something similar. I’m part of a local widows group and none of them can relate to my situation. They all talk about their happy, harmonious marriages where there husbands where always there for them, doing things, attentive. This was super hard for my hubby. I’ve never talked to anyone who had anything other than a smooth marriage before their husband died (or perhaps they just don’t speak of it). It got to be that the main part of our relationship revolved around me holding him up, covering for him, keeping his secret because he didn’t want ‘Anybody’ to know he had depression. Michael was always tired, had extreme insomnia due to 14 years of untreated/unmedicated depression, so even when he finally got on meds his lifestyle patterns were so ingrained he couldn’t seem to change them. He struggled with connecting to me emotionally, communication was super limited and he would just escape into his iPad every night. I was so lonely living with him, because he wasn’t there emotionally. It also affected our intimacy which was hard to deal with. My love never diminished for my husband either - sadly his death hit me like a freight train and I was in shock for so long I now forget what it feels like to love him 😞 That’s the hardest thing I’m going through right now. That, and how his death has impacted me physically. When I think about the chaos that is my life right now, his death has literally touch every area, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, socially, my career (as I’m currently on medical disability leave), my purpose and life vision to move forward in life, and my core self - like, I think, “Who am I now?” I feel I’ve fundamentally changed. I don’t think the same, and the rhythm of my life has changed. I find it hard to have or create a new rhythm to my life. It’s like the movie to my life is still playing but the soundtrack has changed and it doesn’t match my life.

As I read through this thread I could relate to the theme of caring for an unhealthy spouse. When my Michael began to neglect his health, I would often say, “I need you to take care of my husband.” He’d laugh and say, “I know.” He started to have heartburn and ate Tums or Rolaids like Smarties. He never went to the doctor until it became really bad. By then it had turned into Gerd and he went on meds. But he didn’t take it consistently and didn’t change his diet suggested by the doctor. Then things got worse and we spend many a night in the ER due to the pain he was experiencing, so much so that I once said, “We’re going to the hospital more times than we do date night.” He saw a specialist and it was determined his Gerd had progressed into Barrett’s disease due to him not doing what was needed to properly treat mild heartburn. Super sad. I think it’s a guy thing as some of my girl friends mention how their husbands don’t take care of their health. It’s like they think, ‘if it’s not broken or bleeding, I’m fine.’ I can relate. Michael’s mental health issues got to be so bad, due to his refusal to accept treatment and medication, that our marriage took a massive hit. I found it impossible to have the life I hoped to enjoy. At times I felt like I was single and living with a withdrawn, reclusive roommate. It was just devastating to see him spiral down deeper in his depression. This is hard to share as I’m just trying to come to terms with this now, but 2.5 years before Michael died he attempted suicide. Worse thing I every had to do was drive him to hospital in the state he was in. He spend 4 days in the stabilization unit. That’s when he didn’t have a choice and was put on meds. It’s like I lost him twice, once by illness, then by life. He died to soon 😥

I always think of Michael as a young man during the 9-10 years we dated. Once married and his severe depression took hold he changed rather drastically, to the point I didn’t recognize him. Yes physically he was the same, he looked like himself but he acted liked someone else, a stranger at times, the ‘real’ him wasn’t on the surface. The 10 years we dated are precious memories, so that’s how I will always remember him.

Wow nashreed, your supporting post to jathas was awesome and inspiring! 😃 So glad this forum exists 🙏

Sending you healing thoughts on your journey jathas 💗🙏

jathas, your loss is so fresh, your emotions so raw. Right now it’s hard to see past the should have’s from the past and forgive. My late husband also chose unhealthy choices that affected his health. I now believe he made these decisions due to his mental state, but whatever the reason he was a grown man who had free will and he made his own decisions, whether they where good or bad from my perspective. I didn’t agree with some of his choices, but I wasn’t about to mother him - I was his wife and I wasn’t going to treat him like a child. I just want to share something with you. I don’t want to be preachy, rather the sole purpose is to provide you with support and tools for your healing journey. The word “should “ leads to shame. This is not something you want to add to your already heavy emotions of grief. The word “should “ is inherently negative; using this word results in feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, frustration and self-rejection. Beating yourself up for what you should or could have done is like fighting an enemy within us. You are processing something so profound, so intense, please, please do not add to your heavy burden. I understand this is not easy, but I don’t want you to get sucked into a downward spiral of stress. The word “should “ is an active for of self criticism. This is not healthy as it suggests one does not accept who or where we are. Your healing will be a long road, please don’t add undue stress with this type of thinking. I know this may sound impossible. All I want to do is support you and I felt this was important to share.

Thanks for sharing your Annette with us, she sounds amazing. I can sense the love you had for each other and the love you have for her still 💗 My Michael was what I call a quality man. He had a good heart, was incredibly kind, had strong morals and integrity, and was fiercely loyal. We meet on a telephone dating system. We chatted for weeks before meeting, and when we did we were like magnets. We stuck together and were inseparable. I was a single mom when we met, my choice as I made the wise decision to leave an abusive marriage. He was so supportive and understanding, even stood up to my ex for me, calling him out on his behaviours. Amazingly that shifted things and the ex wasn’t as involved in my life after that. We lived separately as we dated for 9 years as I didn’t want to disrupt my daughter’s life by changing her living situation yet again. Our dating life was fabulous, we had ups and downs, worked through them and built a strong bond of love. And he became a friend and step-dad to my daughter, helping her when she went through what she would call ‘boys-are-dumb’ stage. Sadly, when we married and began living together I could see changes in him. I didn’t know it then, but mental illness got its hooks in him and things got complicated very fast. I wanted him to have the most amazing life and for us to have a harmonious marriage but that wasn’t to be. I stood by him, and would still be doing so, supporting him in every way I could. Friends would casually say, “If you make a decision and need a place to go I’m here for you,” basically telling me to leave him. I loved him, why would I leave just because he had an illness. If he had cancer, diabetes or a thyroid condition I be there for him, so why is a mental illness any different. My Michael was the best. He was so creative and funny, he could always make me laugh. God I miss that 😞 He helped me become a better version of myself, and for that I’m so thankful.

👍 love that! This is a brilliant thread to start - thx nashreed 🙏😁 I’m gonna collect my thoughts and write something in a separate post in this thread.

Sadly I can relate to this. My in-laws are a small group. My mother-in-law and Michael’s 3 younger brothers all live far away from where Michael and I lived. The distance didn’t always help with creating close family bonds, but when we all got together for family events it was always a grand time. I’m gonna share a bit of family stuff ... Michael’s 1st youngest brother initially contacted me to express his sadness, not really connecting to mine, which was understandable. During his next phone call he express his anger at how Michael treated him growing up, as if I could answer to or atone for Michael’s childhood behaviours. On the 3rd he just went on to lament about the mess his life is due to his upcoming divorce which he choose to pursue. I hung up and emailed him to not contact me as I was not in a healthy emotion space to deal with his unstable states of drama. The 3rd youngest brother didn’t even call or send a card after Michael’s death. He lives in Budapest Hungary, but that shouldn’t matter as sympathy cards can be mailed from there 🤷🏻‍♀️ Michael’s 2nd youngest was super kind, understanding and incredibly helpful. Called me weekly to check on my well-being, helped with the chaos of financial document etc. But that started to fade after 4-6 months. Now it’s nothing. If I text I’m ghosted. My mother-in-law is a lovely lady, super sharp, highly educated and has Hyperthymesia - an ability that allows people to remember nearly every event of their life with great precision. This makes for interesting conversations, however they often turn into what I call history lessons. She’s 91, sharp as a needle and has decades of info she must share with everyone she talks to. This is always the focus of conversation, so rarely will she ask how I’m doing emotionally, as most conversations are like listening to a history prof. Early on she listened and shared a bit of her grief journey as she was widowed approx. 40 years ago, but not so much now.

Jathas, I am so sad to hear of your husband’s death. Losing a spouse is truly is the most intense thing anyone can go through. I’m glad you found this community and posted. We are all hear to listen, care and support each other along our grief journey. As I read through your story I was amazed at the similarities between your situation and mine. My husband was young when he passed (almost 20 months ago now), his birthday was also in June, and we met through a telephone dating service, which isn’t a chat room, but we connected over the phone having very long conversations before meeting. I too woke up one morning to hear my husband calling for me in severe distress, I instantly call 911, they arrive so fast it was like they parachuted in. I heard them say he coded, but with seconds of them doing something I heard them say , “Ok, we have a heartbeat.” Then he was rushed to hospital, I couldn’t go due to Covid. I called my sister, when we got the call I could go to hospital my sister drove us, we arrived only to find out he had passed away. It’s been almost 20 months and I’m still waiting for cause of death. They initially thought it was a pulmonary embolism, but that is still to be determined as the initial autopsy couldn’t detect a blood clot. I didn’t write my story to diminish yours, rather I just want to say I can relate on many levels. I can also relate to you being in shock. I experienced that for about 3 months. I wish I could give you a hug 🤗 I hope you have a good support from family and friends. With such a loss there is always a lot to unpack and process, so please allow yourself the time to do just that. Remember the importance and necessity of self-care. Understand that everyone grieves differently, so do what you need to do to grieve your loss. And know you always have this community to lean on, so post questions, vent, do whatever you need to do. We’re here for you 💕

Yes, that’s exactly it. I’m no where near ready to do this, but recently I’ve been thinking when I’m more physically and emotionally settled, stable and healthy that maybe I’d join a dating site to seek out friendship. I met my late husband through telephone dating, could be weird though 🤷🏻‍♀️ Ok, I have a morning sound off before I start my day. I’d just like to have friends around my age. Being from Generation Jones it’s like a lost generation. We’re kinda like young Boomers, so we’re not the true Boomers, but we’re also close to Gen X. Being born mid 60’s there’s that crossover right in the middle. Most of the Gen Jones act more like Boomers and I really can’t relate to the true Boomers. Gen X is the one I relate to more easily, but often the people I meet are born in the late 70’s and act more like the Millennials. Maybe hanging with them will keep me young, haha 🤪 Baby Boomers: born 1946 to 1964 Generation Jones: born 1955 to 1965 Generation X: born 1965 to 1980