Ruby

Wondered if anyone who's been down this road had any thoughts about a couple issues in coping with the aftermath of loss. 1) What to say when you're asked, "How are you?" I've been reading a lot of Marty's writings - including on this topic - very helpful. And think it's going a bit better. (You can see the relief when people hear you're "ok." Can't say I blame them.) 2) Reconnecting: After weeks of being mostly a recluse, had a number of engagements the past week - things with friends, some dovetailing with community work that was of mutual interest in the past. Didn't want to do any of it, hardly feeling capable. I don't have a large social circle - my husband and I did everything together, which I loved. Those that are in my life I care about and realize relationships will erode over time with this continued self-absorption. There are a few people I needed to have invited over but haven't - because I don't feel up to it and because I can't be bothered to clean. (Finally, after dust balls grew into boulders, I did manage to vacuum a couple days ago. Progress.) Conversations with family have become less frequent. They all lead busy, interesting lives. I'm happy for them and hearing about them is a welcome diversion. But I think they're concerned about what I'm doing - nothing - and wondering how long this will go on. A very good question. I'm definitely not good at this. Writing this is cathartic and does seem to be clarifying the choices. But so very hard; just want to stay in my cocoon forever.

Oh no, that is devastating news, I'm sorry to hear! It must seem unreal. Your relationship with Helen sounds wonderful, no doubt that will be a great support. Wish you the very best for a successful recovery. (Music and cats, agreed!)

Gwen, what a dark day for you. I'm sorry. Glad to hear you're walking around some. Hope one of these days you'll turn a corner with the pain - can't come soon enough. Too bad about Mel, really not needed. But great she's adapted well to the sitters and boarding. They're really so resilient. When my husband was on life support at the end the facility allowed me to bring my dog (who had adored him forever) in to visit. Wanted him to understand he was dying and didn't just disappear. Don't know if that was the right decision or not. He understood; heart-wrenching. Dogs are so empathic. When I have my breakdowns I feel mine both feel and understand the distress. Such a support. Sure hope it will eventually work out for you and Mel. Kay, hoping the best for your friends. Thought of you yesterday when I was taking a walk in the woods. Saw a tree (many trees) aloof and alone; couldn't find those trees entwined like a loving couple. 😔

Oh my gosh...your brother...then your mother...and now your dad with COVID. Dumbstruck and angry I can understand. I'm so very sorry.

Such interesting lives and collections - Native American, dolls, and tons of music! Love sure does come through in reading the posts. Speaking of tv, my spouse and I enjoyed it, but haven't had it on since he left; no interest. (Never thought I wouldn't be watching the latest season of The Great British Baking Show.) Wonder when or if the tv will be on again. Amazing the amount of havoc these huge losses have on our lives, making them unrecognizable. Kay, hope your hand heals better than expected. Gwen, hope some better pain management comes your way.

Such tough situations. I'm so sorry for your losses that have occurred and are anticipated. Jeff, your experience with your mom sounds so similar to my own. My mom died 3 months ago at age 92. She had Alzheimer's and had been in assisted living for 4 years. This went quite well and she enjoyed the companionship of residents and staff. Then COVID. Residents were confined to their rooms and family visits stopped. My mom declined significantly as no doubt did other countless seniors in residential facilities. So the difficult decision was made to bring her home, where I cared for her the last 11 months of her life. She was under the care of hospice; meds and supplies were provided, an aide provided bathing 3 times a week, and a nurse came weekly. As COVID cases worsened, I asked to reduce the number of visits to the home - so the aide was discontinued and the nurse came every 2 weeks. Care in the time of COVID, indeed a challenge. Yes, dealing with swollen legs and weeping edema, wondering how to keep her and the bed dry. I did plenty of second-guessing also. The last couple days, my mom stopped drinking and eating as her body was shutting down. Even with the dementia, I did feel that she retained her personality until the end, for which I was glad. As trying as the situation was, I do feel like this time with her was precious. I know I would have hated never being able to see her in the facility. Hearing your story, it does sound like you did everything humanly possible and no doubt this was a real blessing for your mother. Seems the country is in a state of crisis regarding elder care. Assisted living, home health, and private hires are all hugely expensive. There is the Medicaid/nursing home option, unpalatable to many. This leaves families - who have jobs, children to care for, and definitely a lack of needed resources. Hoping for improvement.

Kay, this really is beautiful! And such metaphors with the trees. (This brings to mind the poem on death, When Great Trees Fall, by Maya Angelou; pretty powerful.) Hope you’re continuing to write! This Covid is unbelievable; stay safe. Marg, thoughts are with you this difficult day.

Kay, I bet your area is gorgeous! One of many places "we" had wanted to go before time ran out. Yes, I love those activities (haven't camped since a kid, though)! To me, nothing calms the mind more than a walk in nature. Imagine my walks here in flat Florida are pretty tame next to your mountain hikes. Do love kayaking, but I'm lazy - a lake, swamp, or calm river is about my speed. Love bird watching also though not very good at it. Enjoy going with the experts, the Audubon folks are amazing at identifying. You've got me going, love this stuff!

Ayla, so very sorry. Suicide is indeed a brutal situation to cope with and the pain of missing two important people in your life must be intense. I'm glad you found the site and feel some support.

It is something the havoc the mind can create in these times of tremendous stress. I haven't experienced the sense of abandonment; in my case, it's been lost identity, everything feeling strange and unfamiliar, feeling untethered. A very odd feeling. It's a tough situation when someone passes with issues not discussed/resolved. My husband died suddenly - heart wrenching that I wasn't able to say final words to my big love. I figure the only way I can talk to him is...to talk to him, so I do. A lot. About how things ended, what's going on in the world and my life, things that would amuse or interest. (My cat and dogs used to look at me with alarm, now it's just normal!) Guess it brings a small degree of comfort. At least it's something I can do, when you feel you've lost control of so much. Elizabeth, sorry for your loss; such sad circumstances.

Thanks, Kay. Today is more than enough. The memorial isn't until early Dec. I'll probably need that time to make preparations - these days I seem to be moving about as fast as the sloths in Zootopia. Will be good to be with family; very grateful to have such a nice one. Hikers' paradise where you are; lovely. Wow. Marty's articles have such scope and wonderful insights. What an asset for us to have these resources available. This is real dedication to the field of bereavement. Thanks, Marty!

Thank you, Kay. So much loss and grief you've experienced. Understand the death of your George being the hardest hitting. I'm reeling over my husband not being here - waking every morning with the "new reality" washing over is awful, as I know you know. It is great that in spite of the grief you've experienced you're able to see learned valuable life lessons along the way! The articles are terrific. I'll be looking again at Multiple Losses and the resources (much appreciate) listed; challenging to remember/honor both losses adequately and I'm sure the readings will be of help. In honor of Mom, we (family and a couple canines) will be spending several days at the beach (her favorite place) eating her favorite foods, spreading ashes. I think it will feel like her. Your Tips article is wonderful; will have those needed reminders at the ready for the long haul. Was drawn to the section on continued bonds in the Grief Process article; seems to be where my heart is right now. Have been doing a lot of reading on the topic, and with the article and recommended resources, will continue. Thanks so much, Kay.

Tachi, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.

Thanks so much for the messages of encouragement! This looks like a site of great support. Having some difficulty figuring out the best way to submit/respond, so please forgive - a forum “newbie!” ☺️

Hello, I'm new to the forum. Lost my beloved husband in June and my sweet mom a month later. Her death was long anticipated and most likely a relief to her. His was sudden and awful; and just days before a long-awaited birthday getaway. Regret over poor decisions I made adds another distressing layer. The sadness, as I'm sure many of you know too well, is paralyzing. Don't want to do anything, managing only those have-to things. I'm sad also for my pets, especially the old dog who misses his favorite human (I know the feeling). I try to give an extra stroll, tastier dinners (it takes a whole lot of turkey crumbles to make up for the gloom!). Grateful for them, they're a comfort. Realize my situation is not unique; major loss seems to be the inevitable human experience. Grief is packing a greater wallop than I could have imagined. Guess with time comes adaptation - whatever that may look like. In the meantime, I'll keep bumbling along. Thanks for listening.