LoriS.

HI everyone... These boards have been the best therapy for me, too. I had a therapist that I have been seeig onn and off for years and for this particular situation, I just wasn't getting anything out of it. I switched therapists just last week and we focused on my anxiety and my shortness of breath more than anything. I, too am on medication, but I have been for years because of panic attacks and depression. All was well with those meds until about two months ago when I fell into the black hole of depression, anxiety and grieving. I went to a new dr. and he prescribed me a different set of meds and I am starting to do much better. But I attribute most of my "healing" to all of you on these boards who have become a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to without judgement. Janine, maybe you should give the meds a try. It doesn't mean you are weak. You can always go off of it if it doesn't work for you, but maybe it will. It isn't going to change who you are. Some work better than others for different people. It might take a few weeks to see a difference, but it may be worth it for you. When I first started meds several years ago, I was very reluctant, but they have changed my life (for the better). My thoughts are with all of you every day. All of you have been so helpful to me. Whenever I tell anyone about this website and how it has truly made a difference in my life, people are amazed! Hang in there, everyone! Love and hugs...Lori

Hi Janine, Everyones way of dealing with their grief is different as you know. I had to go through my "rut" to get out of it, which I'm still learning how to do. I guess there isn't a specific time table for any of this and you just have to listen to your body and mind. When you had those few days off last week, your guard was probably down and it allowed you to think and remember. Maybe these feelings had been deep inside of you hidden because you had to do normal everyday things with your job, the kids, etc.. Maybe you need a little extra rest...if you can find the time...see if you can ask for help with driving the kids to their activities, etc.. I know...it's hard to ask for help, but maybe at this time, you need to do it. Go treat yourself to a massage or a pedicure where it's just time for YOU to relax. And don't feel guilty about it!!! I don't know you, but I hope I made some sense for you! Take care...Lori

Marion, Like Shell said, keep on posting and we'll be here to listen. You have a lot of emotions in you right now and they are all jumbled up. Eventually, you'll be able to sort them out and this forum is a great place to do that. We're all here for you! Take care...Lori

Walleye, Food is of course a big help. See if your friend needs you to take the boys to the movies or to their sports activities, so he can get some alone time to get things done if he needs to. Helping out with the kids is so important at this time. Just being there for your friend to talk to is so good, too! Hope this helps you...Lori

I'm so glad that you had a good time! See? You did it!!! You should be ever so proud of yourself! Takd care...Lori

I am just here for words of encouragement. I wish all of you peace. Hugs to you...Lori

Dear Annie, I'm so sorry your daughter is having such a hard time. My daughters were also very close with my mom, but somehow they have been doing pretty good. It's me who was having such a hard time and they were wonderful being there for me! Their a couple books that I am thinking of. Their not heavy and are even inspirational. One of the books is "Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul...stories about Life, Death and overcoming the loss of a loved one". Another one is "Healing After Loss...daily meditations for working through grief". You might want to try Amazon.com to see any specific books to deal with the Grandmother/grandaughter relationship. a book that I am reading, which is awesome, is called "Feathers Brush my Heart...true stories of mothers connecting with their daughters after death", by Sinclair Browning. Maybe you would want to read that. Does your daughter have internet access? Maybe she could join in the discussion groups and share her story...we'd all be here to help her! I hope your stomache feels better. Maybe use a heating pad and take a hot bath. At least it may help help you temporarily. Take care and let us know how you and your daughter are doing. Hugs to you both...Lori

Marty's article on disloyalty is written in the part of the forum where it says The Latest News. All her articles are great! By the way you said your Dad passed away on Oct 21, 06'...my Mom passed away on Oct 22, 06'. These boards have helped me out so much. I'm learning to adjust to her death in my everyday life. My Dad passed away in Sept, 03', so now I'm also adjusting to the fact that I don't have parents anymore. I am greatful for my husband, children, family and friends...but I sure do miss my Mom and Dad!!! Take care...Lori

Hi Shell! Yes, this is a great site. I have recieved so much comfort from it. It's people like you that are teaching me how to make lemonade out of lemons! Hugs to you...Lori

Hi Walleye and welcome to these boards. There are so many emotions going on with your mom at this time. She and your dad were married for so many years and obviously their realtionship was a strong one. There is not a right or wrong timetable for grieving. Maybe counceling would help her sort out her feelings so she can learn how to adjust to his passing. Her whole adult life was spent with your dad and I'm sure she feels lost without him. Read Marty's article on Disloyalty and see if that applies at all to your mom. It talks about the griever (your mom in this case) feeling "disloyal" to the one who passed if they do something different other than grieve (in your moms case, going to the cemetary every day). This site has a lot of helpful information. How are YOU doing with all of this? Remember to take care of yourself through all of this! Take care...Lori

Thanks, Lorikelly, I too am blessed to have you and everyone else here in my life as well! Lori

Dear Marion, I am so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you will find the strength to get through this. We are all here to listen and hope we can be of any help to you. Love and hugs...Lori

I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank everyone for their posts of encouragement when I was new to these boards just 2 weeks ago. I cannot tell you what a tremendous help everyone has been! I really feel a lot better and am noticing that I am taking more and more "baby steps" every day. I wish I could meet everyone personally to thank you! I have learned so much from reading different posts on the various topics, too. We are all in this together and I hope that we continue to grow from this experience that has brought all of us together! The more we support each other, the easier (I hope) things will get. Love to everyone...Lori

Shell, My dad had dimentia...I feel for you. Lori, hang in there. It sounds like you are doing better. I think I'm doing ok (for now), too! Love and hugs to everyone...Lori

Jeff, Well it sure sounds like your mom has had her share of issues to deal with and like you said, maybe it was somewhat of a relief for her after your dads passing. And she sounds like a very active woman. Being a mom myself, it is a natural instinct to make sure that our children are ok. I'm sure with her love and encouragement that you will be ok, too. You are lucky that you have each other to help each other out in these hard times! Hugs to you and your mom...Lori

Lori, I take Ativan when the anxiety gets really bad. But sometimes this shortness of breath just comes on at no specific time. I've had it for years, but it started to get bad again after my mom died. So I carry it around with me and use it when I need to. Yes I know that it goes with other meds. I do take other meds for anxiety and depression, which I've changed recently. So I hope everything will start to even out soon. I do feel better mentally though. Everyone here has been so very helpful. I hope you are ok an that the Remeron will help you. You seem like such a sweet, caring person. Just keep remembering that you have friends here and we support you! Love and hugs...Lori

Annie, I have a very good friend who volunteers in a theraputic riding group for kids with disabilities, too. She says that being with those kids in all their innocence and truth really is theraputic for her as she moves through her own daily life. She hasn't lost a parent or anyone super close to her yet, but she is a very sensitive, kind, caring person as probably you are. To have the patience that you have for that job takes a special type of person. As you start to give back to those kids, I'll bet you see trememdous growth within yourself. And I'll bet it felt good to get down and dirty with the horses, too! Love and hugs, Lori

Hey Lori and Shell, Thanks for responding! My medication "schedule" has been changed once more as of last Thursday. Hopefully, my anxiety will get better. I think it already has since I was able to go grocery shopping last week. And that was before the new change in my meds (my DR. has been working really closely with me ever since I realized that my old meds needed a "tune up"). I had a heart treadmil test last week that I was able to get through except for the extreme shortness of breath. But because of my anxiety, I get shortness of breath anyways. I am not one who likes to go to the doctor regularly, but I need to get this anxiety under control! It would be nice if I could have an inhaler of some kind that would open the airways in my lungs when I get stressed, but my lungs are fine as well, so no luck on that. I am going to check into yoga. I already do cardio and weights, but the yoga may be just what I need to balance things out! I hope all is well with everyone...one moment at a time!!! Lori

That was beautiful, Janine. Thanks for that! We don't want to be miserable for the rest of our lives. Our loved ones would only want the best for us and to continue in our journey to peace and to make sense of this all. Sometimes I can feel my mom smiling as I am starting to smile and laugh again. She and I used to laugh together all the time. When my husband asked me to make his favorite chicken dish for dinner tonight, without hesitation I said ok and didn't think that I might be laying in bed and missing my mom. I DO miss my mom...terribly, but I don't want to miss out on my own life either. Every day is a new beginning and I look forward to this new year and what it will bring. I have a daughter getting married in October and I know that my mom and dad will be there in spirit. This website has helped me tremendously with all of everyones kind support. Marty has a great email course about the first year of grieving that I subscribe to and it is very enlightning and helpful. I would reccommend it to anybody going through what we are all going through. The reccomendation is to recieve the emails every 2 weeks, but I wanted them sent every day so I can print them out and refer back to them when I want. I hope everyone is doing ok...one moment at a time. Lori

Hi everyone...Is everyone ok? Just checking in. I hope everyone is doing the best that they can do with the circumstances that we've been dealt. Love and hugs to everyone...Lori

Jeff I remember when my dad died (3 years ago at age 82) my mom who was the same age at the time was very reluctant to go anywhere at first. She didn't drive and when her friends..the few who still drove..wanted to take her to lunch, she just didn't want to get out. I live on the west coast and she was on the east coast, so I couldn't be there all the time to get her out. My brothers who lived near her were able to get her out once in awhile to the grocery store, out to dinner, etc.. I would call her every day and would talk to her and try to make her laugh. I would try to encourage her to go out to lunch with her friends, but she would always say "I'm not there yet". I never really understood that until she passed away in Oct. 06'. I don't know how old your mom is or if she still drives, and how far you live from her, but just realize that there may be changes now that your aunt has left and for you not to be discouraged. It's just going to take time. Just be there for her, but also take care of yourself as well. Take care...Lori

I'm glad you're getting to go. It'll put your mind at ease to meet the people that are taking care of your dad. I wish you the best of wishes on your trip! Lori

Marty, that article on disloyalty was absolutely amazing! Thank you soooooo much for that! Love and BIG HUGS to you! Lori

Thanks guys for validating my feelings!!! I really appreciate it! Shell, you hit the nail on the head when you said that it's easier to stay sad and the actual act of living is gut wrenching work. I hope other people respond to this with their experiences so that we can all see that it's ok to do "normal" things while in the process of grieving. Thanks again everyone for your posts and support! Lori

I am wondering if this has happened to anyone. Since my mom died (Oct. 06), I went to the grocery store just to pick up a couple things here and there. I even avoided the big grocery stores and went to a small store by my house as to avoid seeing anyone I might know in the big grocery store. For the last three months, my husband and I would get "to go" or go out to eat at odd times where there wouldn't see a lot of people. I cook maybe twice a week at best and even then it is simple stuff. My husband pitches in, but it is mostly "to go" We really needed food in the house, so after running a few errands, I decided that I really needed to go to the "big" grocery store. I did just fine, was very focused, and really didn't think much about it. When I got to my car to unload my groceries, it just felt normal. When I got inside my car (all this among snow and rain just north of Los Angeles), that's when it hit me: am I betraying my mom because I was actually able to do something that I needed to do? I felt "bad" for saying hi to someone (who didn't know my mom passed away)and when she asked me how I was, I said fine...without even thinking to say anything about my mom. I was actually listening to what she had to say...not that I was so interested, but I didn't feel the need to bring it up. I consciously didn't want to bring it up. Am I learning to adjust? Is it too soon? All these things are going through my mind when I got into my car. Than later one of my friends called and I burst out crying when I was talking to her and when I hung up, I was glad that I was able to get in touch with my feelings of grief. It hurts so much to be sad, yet at that moment when I was talking to my friend on the phone, I was glad to be sad...as if it was better to be sad, than to have completed the task of the grocery store, and actually accomplishing something while in the process of grieving. I am sorry to be rambling, but I just wanted to know if by accomplishing something, and grieving at the same time...does that mean we are adjusting and it's ok and not a betrayel to our loved one who we lost? I already know the "logical" answer, but my heart says different. Thanks in advance to everyone! Lori