LoriS.

I haven't posted lately and wanted to check in and say hi and see how everyone is doing. I've been doing much better. My husband and I just went on an amazing bicycling trip in the wine country in Napa California. As I was cursing this very steep hill, I heard my mom giving me her support. I wanted a sign from her and she "told" me to just look around. I was looking around me and suddenly I looked up and saw the moon...in the middle of the day! I know that sometimes we can see the moon during the day, but it was so clear and I saw it at the exact moment I needed to see it. My mom was always facinated by the moon...how anyone anywhere in the world could see the same moon every night. I will always treasure that moment. The first day of the trip was exactly 6 months and the same day of my moms passing. There were other people on this trip that I didn't even know and I couldn't help but bring it up in conversation at dinner. A couple of these people had also lost a parent within the last year and we shared stories and tears. It was wonderful. My best to all of you. Take care...Lori

Annie, Your story gave me chills! I am so glad that you had that dream. Thank you for sharing that with us! Take care...Lori

Pebbles...I am so sorry about your dad. I know that you have posted here when he was still in hospice. Try reading back to some other posts and know that what you are feeling is normal. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Take care...Lori

Janine...how are you? My prayers are with you and your husband. Be sure to let us know how he's doing. Lori

Why does your doctor want you off so quickly? I agree...find another doctor. I have been on and off meds (mostly on) for over 10 years for anxiety and depression. I know in my case that it is essential for me to function...even before my parents passed away. You are going through so many changes now that I don't think it would be a great time for you to go off of anything. Good luck...Lori

I also thank you for your post and am sorry for your losses. Annie, are you ok? Take care...Lori

[quote name='saggybaggyeyes' date='Apr 1 2007, 06:37 PM' Death is so much a part of living, no one will escape it. I might as well love while I can. [/quote I love that sentence that you wrote. Seven years ago, we had to put down our 4 1/2 year old Australian Shepherd due to a blood disorder. I was so devastated...he was such a baby still and didn't get to grow old. He was my first dog. My husband grew up with dogs and was well aware of the fact that they do indeed leave us and are not around forever. Six days later, we took a drive to the breeders home because I wanted to see my baby's family again and to get some closure. The woman was so sweet. She let us play with all the dogs. She never told us about the eight week old puppies prior to the visit (on the phone when I called her to tell her what happened and asked if we could take a ride out there to see Einsteins' family)because she didn't want to influence me on any decisions about a new puppy since is was only a week later. Well, we saw these adorable balls of fur and we had to take one home. That was seven years ago and Charlie is the love of my life just like Einstein was. I don't know when we would have made a conscious decision to get another puppy. This situation just came about and I'm glad that we made the decision that we did. It was hard at first, but I'm so glad that we did what we did. I know...six days later from putting down one and getting another seems crazy, but it worked for us. I wish everyone well on these boards. Losing a pet is losing a family member and only a pet lover can understand that.

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes! I had a great day. We went for a 35 mile bike ride...yikes! Than out to dinner with another couple. I had a lot of phone calls from friends and family and everyone agreed that my mom was definately with me and wishing me well! Hugs to all...Lori

Thanks guys! Lori

Shelly, that was a beautiful tribute to your mom. It brought tears to my eyes! I hope you are doing better with everything. Take care...Lori

Annie...I feel for you...it's a rough time getting the financials, the house, etc. in order. Also having to deal with hospice at the same time...my heart goes out to you. My thoughts are with you and your family. Lori

Tomorrow's my birthday...my first one without my Mom here on earth. How ironic...she gave birth to me 49 years ago tomorrow and I am here because of her. I've decided that she is with me in spirit...and so is my dad...and that I am going to have a good day. My husband and I have plans to go bike riding tomorrow and the weather here where I live is absolutely beautiful. My mom would be happy...I know she'll be with me on the back of my bike enjoying the weather! I hope all is well. I've been reading a lot of posts and so many of us are having such a hard time lately. My prayers and thoughts are with all of you as always. I know it's so up and down. Love and hugs to all...Lori

Jessie, I'm glad that you and your sister are so close and are able to talk to each other whenever you need to. Death of a loved one takes so much out of us and we all feel things at different times. It's good to know that your school offers counseling...at least you know that it is there for you if you need it. Take care...Lori

Dear Jessie, I am so sorry about the loss of your dad and what you have had to go through regarding the drug abuse, etc. Do you have any other family members, friends, clergy, etc. that you can talk to to make some sense out of all of this? Does your college offer counseling services? You are so young, yet you seem so mature and have had to grow up so quickly. I am so sorry. Keep posting your feelings and we're all here for you. Take care and big hugs to you...Lori

Janine...I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I have to keep my meds on the kitchen table so in the morning I will remember to take them with my breakfast. Yesterday, as I was eating, I asked myself if I had taken them already and I couldn't remember and I didn't want to double up, so I just didn't take them! They were right in front of me and I couldn't remember if I had taken them or not! I know that you will get back on track with everything. You are strong and positive and you WILL be ok. You have helped all of us here on these boards with your posts and I know that you will get through this bump in the road. I too send big hugs to you...Lori

I'm happy for you, too, Annie! Lori

Dear Daisy, I am so very sorry about your many losses that you have had to deal with. Just know that you have come to the right place for getting your feelings out. And you are not a complainer! Keep on posting and we'll help you try to figure things out! Take care...Lori

Janine...I am so sorry about your grandmother. My thoughts are with you and your family. Hang in there. Hugs to you...Lori

Annette, I think the hardest part about the "grief work" is confronting it head on. It's like moving through water against the waves. It's looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and not ever thinking that there is one. I also think sometimes we're afraid to grieve for fear of moving forward and "forgetting" our loved one. It's not that we're forgetting, but we're growing into a new reality. And as I have learned from everyone on these boards...it's ok to move forward. We're not forgetting or being disloyal. We're honoring them by living as best as we can. One of the last things my Mom said to me before she died was not to grieve for too long. I didn't know that grieving was an active, ongoing process and it did and does require work. When I think about it, my mom grieved several times: for my dad, for her parents, her siblings, her friends, etc. . My mom would often refer to her own parents and get teary thinking about them...my mom was 85! So no matter how old we are, we will always remember and talk about our loved ones who have passed on. I guess the trick is not getting "stuck" in the pain. I agree...it's HARD and some days are better than others. These boards have helped and continue to help me soooo much! Hang in there...Lori

Paul, I think that I was able to do what I did was because I was with my mom and HER positive outlook on the situation spilled onto me. Yes, it makes me sad, but I was SO LUCKY to have gone there with my mom and hear from her how happy she was. I don't know if I would have been so brave if I wasn't with my mom. When I was with my mom, especially when she was up in years, I saw a sense of humor and fun in her that was very contagious. I never thought of it quite like this, but that place in time with her in our old house was a precious, cherished moment. Thanks, Paul for bringing up the subject...even though we have completely opposite takes on a similar situation! Take care...Lori

jonquil...so sorry about your rough day. My mom knew me better than anyone, too. She also loved me more that anyone does in the sense that a loving, caring mom cares for her child. I hope your brother is ok...my husband is going through kidney stones. If it isn't one thing, it's another! Lori

I definately think that feeling numb is a feeling. It isn't a pleasant one either. When I was first going through the grieving process, I slept a lot and didn't really want to do anything else. I felt very numb. I started to get better VERY slowly, than my doctor and I decided to switch medications. I wasn't looking to heal my grief so quickly, I just wanted to stay awake and be a person again! I was just such a huge mess even with therapy. I felt better at first, than we kept upping the dose to get a so called "theraputic effect". Talk about numb...I was completely neither here nor there. I felt I was just existing without emotion. I have slowly since lessoned the dosage and am on a very minimal dose that I feel MUCH better. If you're on any medications, make sure that they aren't the culprit for making you feel numb. It's not a fun place to be. And if you aren't on any medications, I hope that by coming here and letting out your feelings is a good start for you. I feel so bad for your story. Your grief is so profound as all of ours are. It's just that some of us are in different places and times with ours. We each have our own journey and hopefully we will learn a new "normal" without forgetting our loved ones, which would NEVER happen...don't worry! (I think you mentioned that you didn't want to let go because it meant that you would "be over it" or somehow disrespect your parents.) Try reading Martys article on Disloyalty. It is very enlightning! Hugs to you, Linda Lori

Linda...Ditto on what everyone said about your diary. I'm so sorry for both of your losses. You have found a great place to get your feelings out. Pebbles...I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I'm glad that you've still been posting...it's always ok when you do. We're all here for you and will continue to be after your father passes on. Hello to everyone else. I have been feeling somewhat better lately. Springtime always makes me happy with a sense of feeling like a new beginning. I can feel my mom and dad being happy. They loved the new spring flowers! Hope and healing to everyone! Love to all...Lori

Janine, I know what you mean about praying that she fall asleep to release her from her pain. I went through that with my mom. My thoughts are with you and your family. How is your mom doing with all of this? I will keep her in my thoughts as well. Hugs to you...Lori P.S. Hi to everyone else also...hope the springtime is finding you with a sense of renewal.

Paul, I feel for you regarding the house. My parents owned their house, mine and my brothers childhood home for almost 50 years (in Ohio) I don't live in the same state so I don't have to deal with seeing it or knowing that it's right around the corner for me. After my dad passed away, my mom spent a lot of time out here in California with me and my family. Meantime, my brothers (who lived in the same area as my Mom) sold her house and we were able to get her into a senior apartment near her neighborhood. She knew so many people there, mostly widows like her,and it was the best thing for her. Last September, when I went in for a visit (a month later in October I went back when she was dying...funny how things work out), we drove past the house and there was a car in the driveway. I looked at mom and said, "I'm parking and going to ring the bell"...like we were spys or someting! She asked if we should and I said YES!!!...I want to see what they have done to the house! So I parked the car, rang the doorbell, explained who I was and these people were so warm and nice and asked us if we wanted to come in. So I got Mom out of the car and we went in and it looked totally different...but in a good way. The new owner asked my mom if it made her sad or happy to know that a different family is happy in her old home. My mom being always the eternal optimist said that she was so happy that the house was being well taken care of and "loved". It made me cry as I felt an era come to an end. I really hadn't thought about the house much as a loss as I was able to see it again with my mom right before her passing and she had given these new people her blessing and they in turn promised her that they would take good care of it. But now I feel like I'm watching an old sappy movie as I am typing this as it brings tears to my eyes. I loved that house. I moved out of there at 21, and every time I would go back for a visit, I stayed in my old bedroom and the sheets were the same "flower power" sheets from the 70's when I was a teenager!!! My family and I would make several trips back to visit my parents over the years and that was the only place that we would stay. Now when I go back for future visits, I'll stay with one of my nieces or my brothers...it's strange. I feel really lucky that I had a chance to see it with my mom and that it made her happy to know that other people had fallen in love with it as she and my dad did all those years ago. It's funny how these secondary losses have a life of their own and can take on a new set of emotions. Take care and hope that you'll find what you're looking for in Marty's articles! Lori