Margm

Kay, I got into MD Anderson the day I was discharged from the city hospital. Possibly because I was explained my tests were "false negatives." I guess medicine is not an exact science. The doctor that saw him twice a year was like a family friend. I remember typing his notes on discharge summaries. He was a very caring doctor. Somehow, we have not received a bill for any of this last year's visits. I called once before Billy passed away, after he had already been diagnosed as terminal. I wanted to know what to do about giving him his blood pressure medicine that he had taken for years from this doc. We are talking probably 10 years of twice a year visits. The lab work alone would have shown liver abnormalities. We always had his nurse return our calls. I did not get a return call this last time. I had rather have a tremendous bill and still have my husband.

I am receptive to any communication that can come through. I love your thoughts Janka. You have a beautiful soul. Kay, you just could not imagine the hell they put him through. I took him out of the big hospital. I brought him back to our smaller city hospital. I had retired from a teaching hospital and they do save lives. I also know lots of stuff I wish I did not know. And, if you have a loved one you need to take to the ER, please call an ambulance. Them calling an ambulance saved my life. This is all after the fact though. Billy could not have been saved, but he was having twice a year physicals. He fell through the cracks somewhere. I cannot bring him back no matter what I say or do. But, if you have to go to the ER, go by ambulance, otherwise your wait will be terminal..........literally.

Okay, I will tell this. The first night alone he sat at the foot of my bed. I saw him, he was gone as soon as I saw him. Another time, I had had a flu shot and my head was nodding and I saw him sick laying on the couch. I guess he was sick, he would never have laid there, only sat on his end of the couch, then he was gone. But, this time, I could feel/see him standing by my chair. I had nodded off and he kissed my forehead to upright position. Then gone. These were instances, each time I was either just nodding off, in some strange shift of time or space and only for not even probably a second. I can call it imagination, wishful thinking, or whatever. But, as I have said, he did not believe in ghosts or anything of a supernatural nature. I did not say he did not believe in religion. He, at one time was studying to become a Methodist minister and finding out the frailty of the minister with a close family member made him change. The minister was married. He provided me with faith at times I needed it the most, so I cannot say he was against religion, he wanted me to have my faith and he prayed for me when I was so sick. Maybe I just want to believe in another realm where they can see us so bad, maybe I just miss him so much. I know he is not talking to me, but I feel him with me sometimes. I cannot explain. I certainly cannot disregard what I felt/saw.

I miss Billy the Kid. But, that boy was not always so calm and easy going. When we first married, he would get angry at me and not speak for a week, until I begged forgiveness for something he had done. We laughed about that later in life and he said he knew he was an A$$. Hey, we made it through. I wouldn't care if he would get angry right now and not speak to me for a week, if he could just speak to me period. I honestly have felt his presence, but not his voice. And must be my imagination because he denied anything supernatural. And, maybe I am just getting my mojo back and that is all I am "seeing." I don't care. I don't mind lying to myself.

I don't try to talk myself out of it. On top of everything else, when my colon ruptured I developed a chin tremor. Now, tell me the leg bone is connected to the hip bone, etc. Anyhow, have had a congenital tremor since puberty. Family trait. The Xanax helps with the tremor. My aunt took Inderal to help with the tremor knowing the Inderal could cause severe depression in a person prone to depression. So, she suffered depression the rest of her life (Actually was 90). Anyhow, we don't need an excuse for something that won't harm us and will help us. (Of course, cannot drink with it), but I cannot do that anyhow, because of the colon.

I think if any lesson was learned yesterday, by me, it is to not be so cruel as to threaten to go way off into the woods where you won't be found for days, years, and threaten suicide. You already have a family who have lost so much. Insensitive words are going to be said by them. Let it roll off. You are not the same person. Yet, expectations of being a strong person, the matriarch of the whole bunch, sometimes they get very heavy. Billy is not here to bear the weight of those expectations. I have had extensive psychiatric workup in the past because of both my children being bipolar. Know, without his being diagnosed, my dad was bipolar. And the crayons in our Crayola package are not the sharpest ones in the bunch, they have been used down to the paper in many cases. I am a chronic depressive, and I carry something called a Factor IX deficiency in my blood, like Queen Victoria, which I call my royalty blood. My daughter carries the Factor VIII, for which she is symptomatic, but our bipolar, I am afraid, comes from my side of the family. Words and deeds can be thrown at various times. My reactions have always been tempered with Billy's reason. I don't have Billy's reason anymore and instead, I have my "bomb and burn" attitude. I have to channel Billy's reason, instead of my explosive attitude. I called my old psychiatrist. She had retired. Want to wait till I get back to Louisiana to find a new one. I'm sorry, and I know my attitude is wrong, but I blame Arkansas for taking my Billy. Yes, I know how wrong that sounds. I am certifiable.

Not a one time deal. Getting so used to them I can feel them coming on. Sometimes I try to do something else, but usually wind up taking Xanax. I cannot take antidepressants because of ruptured colon, so selective in what I can take. Xanax, I believe, has saved my life thus far. If I am hooked, so be it. There are worse things. Like panic attacks for instance.

Wasn't friends Gwen, it was all family, and they have to forgive me. I will be more careful though. Wasn't called for and it was one of those "splat" things where nothing makes sense, should not have even been a fuss but I just carried it on and on and on. I will try to forget today. I said some bad stuff though. They do have to forgive me, but probably won't forget what I said. That old thing about "sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words can never harm me" is so wrong. I will watch myself. They were surprised too.

Oh, I felt it coming on in the movie. I took out my pills (it was dark) and I was not sure if it was the blood pressure or the Xanax so I put it back. Probably would not have hurt to take both of them.

Kay, I was introduced to panic attacks when I had cancer. Not a whole lot of them. But, I did leave a grocery buggy full and run out the door. That was well over 30 years ago. I noticed something happening in the mornings sometimes when I am alone and I will go see Hettie my neighbor. Usually they go away, but sometimes they stay. Last night was a horrible thing and I had my granddaughter in the car with me. I noticed she put on her seat belt on fast. This was a really bad one and yes. I have Xanax, and I am not afraid of getting hooked on them. I took them/Valium 7 years when I had cancer. They are so easy to get off of, if you know how to taper off. I was off of them for 25-30 years. So, Xanax really help save my life right now. I do not apologize, I am not shamed. But I should have taken one coming out of the movie. I didn't.

Last night Brianna and I went to the movies. We rented a motel on Lake Hamilton. When I went in I told them we only lived 40 miles away but I was afraid to drive at night. I told them why. They would not let me pay for our room. After the movie I went into a panic mode driving with all the lights coming at me from everywhere. One car stopped in the middle of the expressway with me behind it. I pulled over to the side and rather than stopping went around it. There were lots of people stopping and in this middle of a major panic attack I could not stop. No minor attack. I was remembering driving Billy home from the big hospital in Little Rock. It was the same. I was so frightened. Today I was horrible. Maybe a byproduct of the panic mode. I will forgive myself this once Marty, but someone who was as mean as I was has no business even being.

Thanks Janka, I don't like that mean person. I hurt the person I love the most and Billy did too and he would have been so disappointed in me. She forgave me. She has that kind of heart, but cannot understand myself sometimes. And Janka, you are very much loved. You are a beautiful soul inside and out.

Thanks Janka. I pulled something totally unlike me. I fussed with everyone today, even threatened suicide to a person I should not have. I had so much anger built up today. This was a totally unlike me person. I don't know that evil person and tonight I feel so ashamed and mean, and like a hollow person that anyone can see through. This is not like me. I was mean. I wanted to go back in the woods, way back where no one could find me and join Billy. This has not happened before. My only saving "grace" was I was afraid with suicide I might not be with him. I slept 5 hours in the daytime. Do not know this person I became today and neither did anyone else. Volatile. I have to keep control of myself. This was someone I don't ever want to be again. Billy would have been disappointed. Was this the anger? I want it to only be today. I feel so ashamed.

Yep, red hair and freckles make me look younger than I am. Liberal use of Vaseline to remove makeup helps too. My kids both look much younger than they are. Billy's childish looks he covered with a beard. Genes help. Sometimes harm.

Billy and I married very young. He told me he could not have children because of the mumps. Our son was born a week from our first anniversary. We grew up with our children and we made very childish, dangerous mistakes early on. Still, we hung onto what we had found as teenagers. I think we grew into very responsible adults and finally into beautiful senior citizens. I would not change a thing, other than the hurt I caused him, and would have been holding him his last moments rather than showing anger for him giving up. He was perfect in every way for this very imperfect person, me.

My granddaughter and I went to the Walmart in Mena last night. We ate out at the oriental restaurant. Things kept bouncing off my brain. The last time I did this, the last time I was here, the last time I did that, Billy was with me. This house is Billy. He wanted to leave in the RV and through procrastination, (his and mine) we only got part of the discarding of things done. I am a different weirdo than most people. Being where we were so happy together does not make me happy. It pours alcohol into an open wound. This month the house will go on the market. It won't take long, it is a dream house and I hope young people buy it with a big family. Too many widows on this street. I will move into an apartment complex, which he would never have done, and surely would not have allowed me to do. I have to do it for what is left of my sanity. We loved the quiet noise of the forest. We loved all the animals coming to the house. He loved taking pictures of nature. I want to hear families fussing, arguing, being happy. I don't want rap music, so I hope that does not rock my walls. I will pack all of his "stuff" into those big plastic buckets with lids, and one day I will go through them. Our son will have the RV and big truck. I will take his little truck until I can find me my "clown's" car. I won't forget Billy ever, but I don't want daily salt poured into my open heart. I cannot say "later" I will do something, because at my age, I really do not buy green bananas. So, if going "home" is best for you...........do it. Our home was where ever our mate was. He is not here anymore, but we will carry him with us in our heart. I am you, you are me. I just cannot do what he would have done. I cannot live in the forest alone in an RV.

Butch, I want to wish you the best, just like all of us. We handle things in our own way. Sometimes I get bitter, angry, happy, sad, the whole gamut of emotions. I wonder what emotion I will have a year from now. Do not know if I will even be here a year from now. Emotion - gone.

Karen, I have been known to fall off a pair of Adidas. Flats, if they have a 1/2 inch heel will throw me. I only wear something with rubber soles. I was what they called a "tomboy" back in my day. I painted a number on my shirt and played football with the little boys, but made sure all my dolls were covered up at night. Billy always liked me to sit like a lady, but those knees were gonna be crossed like a man. Hate housekeeping. June Cleaver would not have been my best friend. But, otherwise, I enjoyed being a girly girl with makeup and all. Hands shake too bad (congenital tremor) to allow me to do that now. I "caught" Billy with my painted face. I don't need it anymore. But, I prefer a can of bear spray for my weapon of choice. Not a gun hating person, just would shoot myself in the foot with one. Would probably disable myself with bear spray too. I'll just lay low.

I think any marriage has its ups and downs. Especially after such a long time. He had developed into my best friend though. I am so sorry about your daughter. We all know we should not outlive our children. So much of life seems unfair. I miss him so much. No, the marriage was not perfect, but the last 20 years of it were perfect. We got new rings on our 50th. He promptly lost his in the lake, too loose. Mine is loose too now that I have lost so much weight, but I am going to get a ruby solitaire to wear over it to keep it on. It will be my "widowment" instead of engagement ring. Our anniversary is in July and his birthday was in July, so it will be a widowment ring to hold my 50th wedding anniversary band on. I don't think of them as mistakes now. They were detours, road blocks and speed bumps of life. Some things I would have changed. We both hurt each other, but he never brought up what I had done, and that was not like him at all. He did not trust me the first 10 years (and I gave him no reason). Later on I gave him reason. He forgave me. But, he was no angel either. Finally, someone told him I had beat him at his own game. Trust is very important in marriage. So, we had an over 20 year run of total trust. I had about a 30 year run of total trust. We make mistakes. Forgiveness is wonderful. We did okay, so did you. I am just so sorry about all of our grief, but so very sorry about your daughter too. I came from a dysfunctional family and so did Billy. Some of his distrust issues were from his own mother. He changed, I changed, we evolved into perfection (at least that is what I remember.) You know Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel were pretty dysfunctional themselves. Can you imagine walking around all day in June Cleaver's shoes in Leave it to Beaver. By the end of the day I would have been homicidal.

I had a picture I wanted to give my daughter, came in to get it off the wall (she had given it to Billy). It was gone. I got totally paranoid. It was like not finding his ring nugget, I was thinking possibly someone had taken it. My son found the picture where I had placed it to bring to my daughter. I had put something on top of it to bring to her also. The ring nugget made me totally immobile for weeks, afraid that I would throw something out with it in it. It was in the jewelry box that I had looked in at least 10 times. No memory of doing these things. The part that bothered me was being paranoid that someone had stolen it. Now, I keep house in the fashion of this: If a thief comes in, he will automatically leave thinking someone has already stolen anything of value. The paranoia part bothered me more than the loss of memory. Hole in my heart, bigger hole in my brain. I will just take it for granted that I am certifiable.

I read about the memory thing and grief. I do not even try to explain myself to my family. They understand and probably have lack of memory themselves. I just don't care. I did make an attempt to call my old psychiatrist when I was back in Louisiana. She had just retired. I sure hate that. Maybe a new one can get my records from her and I won't have to explain 73 years of weird behavior, and I can pick up where I left off with my chronic depression diagnosis.

This is so beautiful. We have four deer that come into the back yard all the time. I feed the squirrels and birds and they drop a lot off the porch. The deer will come right up to the porch. We could never have had a garden. This spring they ate the blooms off all my neighbors new flowering bushes. Ate the flowers down to the ground. No snow this year. Last year we had it in November. We live about 175 miles north from our old hometown in Louisiana, but get a lot more snow than we ever did.

Yes, I automatically felt guilty when I said that. I don't know his wife very well, but they had been married as long, maybe longer than we had. My other neighbor was married over 50 years also. Yes, it feels as though you have lost some vital part of your body, probably the heart and brain.

Brad, we retired to RVing. We lived in the RV alone, probably six years, still working, making short trips. It was RV heaven. Then we had to settle down away from the big city to help get our son off drugs before he overdosed. He had already been shot and coded twice on the operating table. He is bipolar, and drugs are a byproduct a lot of times and he is such a talented artist, and our son that we love very much, we got off the road. We bought a house and he secluded himself in the room, with bath, by himself. He got off the mainline drugs cold turkey. But, he had hepatitis C and had to have the treatment. His poor liver is still not even probably 60%. But still, his life was most important. Then a granddaughter we helped raise. Then, our time came again. We bought the RV in March that we never got to pull anywhere, except to this house. Now, ironically, our son will take up our RV dream. Was it worth it? Totally worth it. You will give up your life for your family, literally. And, we are all left to pick up the pieces of our life. We can do it. It won't be easy. I have 50 of Billy's morphine pills left. My neighbor (who lost her husband four years ago) told me to get rid of them. No, I carry them in my purse. Billy, the supernatural unbeliever, has visited me three times now, only for a moment, probably only in my imagination (except last night was so real.) He does not talk to me. I am sure Jesus gets very confused. I pray often. I start out to Jesus, but wind up praying to Billy. Probably wrong thing to do, but I will keep doing it. We do what we have to do to carry on. I want to cry a lot, alone I might cry, but the times are fewer now. Sometimes I feel a Novocaine numbness of my brain. We all cope the best we can.

I put off a lot of business until after the holidays. I am not young anymore. Even if I was, I would not look to share my life with another man. How in this world, or any other, could they compare to Billy the Kid? We have had our children, watched them develop lives of their own. Somehow or other, their lives always ran right beside our life. I chose to open a new account in my home town instead of taking Billy's name off our old account.. I will have to close that account, and I hate so much closing doors. Many of you were together only a short while. I was with Billy for close to 55 years. My mother fed me fairy tales as a steady diet. I knew them all. Those 54-55 years were not all fairy tales, some were horrible drama, but we stayed the course. It was not easy sometimes, a lot of forgiving and trying to forget. I don't think either one of us ever totally forgot, but we did forgive. This morning, in talking to someone about my new account, I explained about not liking to close doors. This woman understood. Her husband passed when he was 45, she was 43. She has been remarried now for three years. She had three young children to raise. Some will understand, some will not, something I call my "mojo." Billy has been gone 10 weeks. The first night I was almost asleep, I saw him sitting on the foot of our bed. Then, he was gone. After a flu shot, while watching TV, I dozed off. I saw him laying on the couch, and I guess he must have still been sick. Then, he was gone. Last night, too many carbs I guess, I dozed off in the chair (my granddaughter and I were watching movies), and my head hung down. I felt/saw him standing beside my chair, bending down and kissed my forehead into an upright position. My heart went into my throat. He was gone again. Maybe, just maybe, my mojo is still working. Billy did not believe in ghosts, supernatural anything. We were not strong religious people, though we felt something stronger than our own selves, and Billy wanted me to keep my faith. Neither of us were political. We were strong nature people, and we both had religious backgrounds, mine was forced, his was of his own choosing, his own path. We let life turn us upside down often, but faith, sometimes a slippery slope, it has a way of opening a path for some people. My neighbor down the street (only 9 houses on this street) passed away Christmas Eve. Billy and Bob would talk incessantly when they were together. I like to think that now Billy has his talking buddy with him. Of those nine houses, five are inhabited by widows now. I am ready to get out of Dogpatch. It does not matter if you are together one year or 55 years, when you lose that part of yourself that is your partner, that part of yourself that makes life worth living, there is a void. People will not understand until they have to walk that path by themselves. I had over 50 years, you wanted that many. Well, I wanted 50 more. I still feel the panic coming on that I have to get through another day without him. My friends who have walked this path before me, they say it gets easier. I hope so. I was so fortunate that we both were retired and both had worked 80 years between us with a retirement that would take care of either of us if the other one went first. I still remember him telling me when I would get panicky during my cancer fight "If you die, your worries, your pain, your suffering will be over with and those you leave behind, we will have all the pain and suffering to take care of." Well, hello Billy, it's happening now. I sure would not wish it on anyone, definitely not him. But, he also said "the one left must stay." Okay, here I am, but I sure hate closing those doors.