Margm

I added one of his sayings to another page and I hope I did not blow it up. I don't know how to add things, but I sure added this one. I am enjoying this very much. I would have liked to hear it in Farsi. One of our transplant surgeons came from northern Iran, cannot remember the place. I used to know. He would dictate 3-4 pages of surgery and honestly, I would just try to keep the anatomy close to the place he was operating on. I think he is still in Shreveport.

I have been reading Rumi. Some of his works are inspirational. I don't think I uploaded the picture correctly. I am computer challenged. (A few others too).

I have never read Rumi, but I will search now. You, my sweet girl, you know so much more about the world than I do. I was raised in a paper mill town, small, went to the same school 12 years, and my generations upon generations are all buried within a probable 100 mile or less radius. My mama told me not to search our genealogy. Oh, I wanted to find some famous outlaw. Well, my granddaddy's brother did go to jail for stealing a pig. Billy's relatives, one was married to Jessie James. Mine have been traced to Henry VIII's wife Anne Boleyn and to also Meriwether Lewis. I think Anne's only child was Elizabeth the First, so I don't know where the others were. I saw my great grandmother's picture and at last, I knew my people were the settlers of this great land that the white man came and stole all our land from us. Alas, she was not Pocahontas or Geronimo's wife. She was an Irish woman who was making the bed one day and her son-in-law's pistol hit the floor and discharged killing her and her unborn baby. Also, have learned most were actually German from something called Pennsylvania Dutch, or something like that. I doubt that any Native American tribe would have accepted a carrot topped, freckled child into their company anyhow. I am going to read Rumi now. Thank you so much. My sister teaches college writing/English courses. I know she knows of Rumi. She is our political person in the family. Again, I am just brain numb right now, but I wish everyone could be safe. Wars have been fought because of religion. I just wonder why. You can tell, I am a child of the early 1960's, but I certainly had reverence and pride in our Vietnam boys when they returned. I hated how our country treated our boys that had to fight that war. Disgraceful then and now too. I wish you peace and safety, and love.

Thank you Debi. I used to believe in a lot of things that my dead brain does not recognize right now. If my heart and brain are just enveloped in wax, maybe the heat of the furnace this winter will melt them. If it is rock enveloping them.................well, let's just hope it is not rock. I have heard this about cardinals. My cousin, who lost her husband a year or so before Billy, she sent me about the cardinals. Knowing Billy though, he will appear as a black crow, as that was his favorite bird. That's okay, I like crows too. The author Edward Abbey said he wanted to come back as a buzzard. I think I have seen him a few times. I hope things are easing up for you all in Brussels. Seems the whole world is having a crisis. On my Facebook there are some saying do not take any of them into this country. Then some of them are saying Jesus, Joseph and Mary were from this area. But, I remember reading recently that in about 1939, they were voting to not let Jewish people in. Gosh knows, the Irish sure got a bad lot of it when we/they first got off the boat years and years ago. Myself, I have no opinion, gotta melt this wax around my brain and heart first. I just want people to be safe everywhere. My mama used to say "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride." I loved that in my magic fairy tale childhood. I got married and Billy's mama said "wish in one hand and s__t in the other and see which one fills up the fastest." By that age, I understood my mother-in-law's saying the most.

Actually crows are very intelligent. I don't know where you live, but traveling through the Gila Wilderness in NM once we saw a cougar. Was not afraid of us at all. Turned around and disappeared like a ghost. I think you must be in Canada, maybe BC or in one of the northern states. We had planned on Idaho as our next RV journey, and I cannot see it without him right beside me. Where ever you live, it sounds very interesting to a southern flatlander. I nearly fell yesterday by just not picking my shoes up high enough. It is an easy thing to do. Kay, I admire your courage in the woods. Right now I am even just afraid of the dark in my room at night. I hope this disappears. I lived in an RV one time that was 19 feet long. Billy and I were separated for a month in the early 1990s. I never was afraid in that tiny space. It is these big houses with all these big rooms that scare me, and an imagination that needs sedating.

Billy could talk to them and they would talk back. He called them one time with a call that meant one was in trouble and when they saw they were fooled by humans, i am kind of glad I did not know what they said back to us. I knew crows were very intelligent and associate Billy with crows more than cardinals. I don't think it has chosen my spirit as its totem animal, I think probably the little country mouse is my totem.

Brad, with all my heart, I believe God understands. My son told me today that almost two years ago when only some miracle saved me, that at my worse his dad said he would just take the RV and head for the woods. I knew that. But, he was me. I was him. I cannot go to the woods alone, they scare me at night. They did not scare him. He would use his varmint calls and we would go to these vast woods in Arkansas. He did this for pleasure. There was no gun involved. He was not going to shoot anything. I would stand out beside him until I heard something running through the underbrush in those dark woods, then I headed for my side of the truck and locked my door. Billy was at home in the woods, and I was too (in the daylight). I should have gone first, he could have put all my stuff in the RV. There is no way I could put all of his fishing equipment, his gun cabinet, and this desk that was the only piece of furniture he ever picked out. Billy did not believe in the supernatural, but I saw vampires and werewolves behind every tree. Since "the one that is left must live" then that is what I will have to do. The RV was going to be if either one of us left, and I agreed. Only, I did not realize at that time that I was going alone.

Debi, I think, like you think, we are just impatient. I still have hope. Some people think that the appearance of a cardinal is our loved ones. I know that sounds outlandish to some people. The sun is out here. I had to conduct some business this morning on the phone, business that should have been finished in person yesterday on my trip to the "big city." I just had a red cardinal sit on my porch by my patio window. I stood up and it flew into the woods behind my house. I would have been comforted by that if my heart did not have a shell around it. I hope that shell is made of wax and will melt when my blood runs warm again. Billy loved crows, and could talk to them with his calls. Strange to associate Billy with a black crow, but I have lots of crows. We feed them our scraps, always have. Someone told me God is standing right beside me waiting for me to reach out my hand. I pray at night, and sometimes I feel it going further than the ceiling. Then in an instant the ceiling throws it back at me. I think some got through though.

Cami, I am so sorry. This has to be terrible on you. Justice won't bring him back but I hope it brings a small relief to see the dirt bag put away for taking something so precious. And, the "I should have been there" happens in all our minds. My own guilt envelopes me more times a day than I care to explain. And, I was there. I just was not holding him when I should have been. I hope you can find some small moment of solace from this group. Just a moment helps. Again, I am so sorry.

Symbolism is no more idle fancy or corrupt egerneration; it is inherent in the very texture of human life: Alfred Whitehead When I was so very ill, both times over the past 33 years, I leaned upon my religion, my faith. I admit, I saw things during this time that gave me hope. This was during the time that the Christian religion was predominant in the south, and I watched for "signs." The M.D. Anderson community of hospitals was a vast complex with heart hospitals and other big hospitals in Houston. I felt bereft of my faith and Billy reminded me of the Bible story of the shepherd who would leave his 99 sheep in search of that one lost sheep. And, Billy was not a man who preached religion, but at a time I needed my faith, he brought it back to me and I was comforted. On the way for my final results of all the tests, one of the many modes of transportation in this big city had a billboard on the side that said "I am Jesus Christ, I will give you health." This passed directly in front of us and made us slow down. At the time Billy did see it, but in later years he would not remember seeing it. Ghosts, supernatural things, Angels, they were not part of Billy's belief system. A very long story, and mine are long enough anyhow. This has always been a part of my life. And now, when I want to see "signs" of Billy possibly communicating to me, it just won't happen. Maybe later. I had Billy cremated, as I want to be myself. Everyone has their own belief in how to handle these things. Just like Frank Gifford did not want a funeral service, neither do we. I have been to too many of them. Right now I have his urn next to his brothers, who passed away in 2001. My girlfriend takes her husband's urn to family gatherings and sometimes in the car to talk to him. In reality, in some people's reality, they are gone. In our reality, we take some comfort in this symbolism. But, I am still waiting for him to speak to me, to make me feel him. I know in reality that cannot happen, but imagination was such a part of my childhood and sometimes in adulthood. I believed in Angels. I want to believe again. Maybe, and I know God understands, when I get rid of my, perhaps anger, with God for taking Billy, maybe then. Maybe when I least expect it. I realize not everyone's religion is the same, or even if a person has religion, but mine has been important to me and I am waiting, watching, and praying I can find my faith again. Billy always could help me, but "the one left must stay" and I am the one left.

I visited some other sites also. These people make you feel at home. We are all going on this long journey together. Just say what you feel. You might find sometimes I might say a little too much, but so far they have not kicked me off. But I do Facebook. Some of the girls that I graduated with in 1960 (and yes, they are still girls to me), they have lost their husbands and they have been very supportive of me. One of my friends lost her husband last December. I had started to reach on Billy's side of the bed and say "your not there and you never will be again" and it hurt like heck. She told me never to do that, she told me to tell him how much I love him and he will always be with me. Just that simple little thing helped me so much. Of course he will be with me. I think I was trying to work on the "acceptance" part of grief but somehow it hurt worse. Also, she pulled up his chair that he always lay in (after he passed away) and she told him all the terrible things he had done against her during their marriage and then she told him all the wonderful things he had done and they far outweighed anything bad. She just sat and talked to that chair until she was exhausted, and it helped her. I did this on one of my trips to the "big city" that is 40 miles away from where I live. I talked to four of his hats all the way to town and all the way home. I thought it had really helped me but when I got out in the car and saw his hats just going to our little town I live in I cried all the way home. So, the water works come on at any time. I just cried all the way home today from the "big city" because I spent money that he should have been getting enjoyment from. My neighbor Hettie told me those times will come. Her husband has been gone two years and she has been my grief counselor extraordinaire since October 17th. We have to have someone. I mentioned that I would just be walking in circles anywhere if I did not have someone to talk to. They say grief is not a mental illness, but sometimes I feel certifiable. (See, sometimes I just go on and on.)

We just pour out our feelings Suzanne, just like you just did. We will all have an empty chair at Thanksgiving. Some people will have more than one empty chair. Please know that we all share your pain. All we can do is express it as best we can and everyone understands. And sometimes, maybe not often, but sometimes we receive some solace for just a second, but even one second is precious to us all. Please keep posting. Billy passed away October 17th. We were married July 3, 1961.

I know how much things can mean. You see, I went and bought a new purse today from J.C. Penney's. I would never buy any purse except from the thrift store. But, my daughter and sister gave me two purses one Christmas, both came from Penney's. I wore both purses out because I hate buying purses. I have some precious things to carry in the many pockets of this purse, and maybe you will smile, but the last things Billy handed me were his teeth. I have had his billfold since the first doctor's visit along with the $1 bill it had in it. I had to have a new purse, one that I bought, to carry his precious items in. I know how precious all these things are to us. And, there are so many things I cannot let go of, things that make no sense at all. My friend wrote me today telling me that now I had a chance to find myself. Right now I feel like an orphan in my second childhood.

Kay, my mom came from a large family and they used to fight over who ate the squirrel brains. My dad had goats. Mama was always tricking me. I would not drink goats milk but she put it in the regular milk bottle and it was great, but still would not drink it. Then, she fixed steak one time that was outstanding. Then she told me it was deer steak. I was a stupid teenager. Most everyone I know eats deer. They even let the kids have a day off school here for deer hunting. I have four in my backyard most always, woods behind me but it is posted. Billy has lots of pictures of them.

Hollowheart, I don't know how anyone like myself can give comfort to anyone. In March of 2014, I was so ill that I ran fever to 101 nearly every day for two weeks. My daughter, a former nurse, tried to get me to go to the doctor. I did, I went to our country clinic and they could feel a mass in my stomach and took an x-ray. There was definitely something. In the meantime, they sent me for an MRI and had me pick a surgeon to go to. They had picked Dr. Webb for me, a surgeon at St. Vincent. I had worked around him in that hospital before it changed its ownership and name. He was very arrogant and I disliked him very much so I picked another doctor who looked at my MRI and thought it was a urachal cyst, a remnant from our umbilical cords that happens sometimes and thought nothing needed done. I was satisfied. Then over the next couple of weeks the mass shifted around, I went back to my country physician, again was given sulfa drugs for kidney infection. That night, with the fever keeping on, I just did something I had never done. I totally passed smooth out and do not remember anything for a full week. Two weeks in the hospital. Could not eat. Doctor came in and told me what am I going to do with you, you need nutrients, your lab work is out of whack. Not exactly her words. I already had a cut down for a PICC line because I had overall sepsis from my colon rupture. The man that saved my life when the ambulance brought me into the hospital was my same arrogant Dr. Webb. His personality did not change, but the things he did to keep me from having a colostomy was not approved of by interventional radiology. They had to perform the procedure. In fact, they did not believe in this procedure with such a force that they had to call me when I got home to see if it was working. This same wonderful arrogant doctor had saved my life against all odds. And the doc that was worried about my out of control electrolytes, I told her to hook me up to TPN. She did. I lived on Ensure and Boost for awhile. Maybe it was during this illness, this close call to death that Billy came to the realization that "the one left must stay." I don't know. I just know I was supposed to be the one to go, not him. Now, I have to live for my kids, for my grandkids, for my sister, and for Billy also. Who could have known the amount of radiation that I had in 1982 would come back and bite me in the behind 32 years later. The one left must stay. And, it ain't no fun.

Guilt is part of this grief process. I know Billy knew I loved him more than life. I would tell him every night that I could not live without him. Yet, when he turned those beautiful hands to me, palms up in surrender, I got angry with him for giving up. The doctor had said we had months. I needed sleep. Billy needed me to hold him those last few moments and I was angry. How can I ever forgive myself for failing him when he needed me most. I turned my back on him. My chair was right up against his bed, but he passed away in those moments and I know I should have been holding him. He was not supposed to die. We were in the hospital. My last emotion to him was anger when I loved him and miss him so much. The only signs we had of illness was his back, which he had had trouble with for 30 or more years. Herniated disks, pinched nerves from this. He did not want big surgery. So, we got it seen about. They discovered the aneurysm in the back of his brain. They were to do surgery October 2nd. Then other things were discovered.. He was not supposed to go so fast. And my last emotion was anger. How can I ever forgive myself? After 54 years, I should have been holding him. And this guilt I have to put to the back of my brain, just like his aneurysm. The death certificate said "CA of colon" and no investigation by me will bring him back. I won't try. I just tell him how much I love him and I hope he can hear me. Okay, on edit the tears turned into a full guilt laden pity party and I even lost my breath. I went to get the mail in this rain and Billy's insurance information, the payoff and how I can get it was in the mail. I was crying so hard I could hardly see or walk. No amount of money will ever take his place. It gave me instructions on how I can take it all or take a draft at a time and have interest put into what I don't draw. Money is the least of my concerns. I succumbed to the terrible hysterical panic attack and I took a Xanax. Right now, addiction is the least of my concerns. Money is the least of my concerns. I have to take Billy off our joint account. Another nail, so to speak. Am I just feeling sorry for myself, or is it the weather, is it guilt, is it that I am going certifiably mad? I will let the Xanax take ahold. We have torrential rains, heavy winds. Our dry bed stream at the bottom of our hill is one of the little fast running rivers. Someone said seven inches of rains. Limbs are down. So am I. I know I have to get ahold of myself. Billy would tell me "Margaret you blame yourself for everything." I do. My own daddy used to question me if Billy and I fussed, he would say "what did you do?" I was usually doing something that was not approved of by my dad, but Billy did not care, he approved of me. I cannot go crying to Hettie. Hettie lost her own husband of many, many years and this weather brings her down also. Hence, I am writing this "book." Xanax taking hold. I cannot drink because of colon rupture. They told me not to drink. Hey, I did not drink to begin with. Made my feet itch. I know how to get off the Xanax. I took them seven years straight during the cancer and I coasted off them on my own. No residual harm. I can do it again. Right now though, I just plain don't want to. It is like the money or no money, I just don't care. I know eventually I will have to care about both. Not now though. My pity party is slowing down. Thank God for small favors.

Like my friend who lost her husband a few years ago, (he was an invalid for seven years, and she said she would have kept him for seven more, if she had been allowed),she is very health conscious, is actually prettier now all these many years after high school graduation, has been an administrative secretary for a church, other than her own faith, for close to 40 years. She is also deaf, although she once could hear. She is such a wonderful Christian woman, her husband was a deacon and that is when she misses him the most, when she is in church. Misses sitting shoulder to shoulder. I think my odd thing is I reach over to Billy's side of the bed each morning and for just an instant, just a small segment of time, I reach for him. Then, I realize he is not there and I do not linger in bed another moment. We are having straight line winds and a tornado watch this morning. I have to think for myself now. I have business that I need to attend to in "the big city" 40 miles away. I have to use my own common sense (which has been beaten to a pulp), about whether to go now or wait until tomorrow, when the sun is supposed to be abundant. Billy, over these past few years had decided he needed to drive me everywhere. I would get agitated because I was perfectly capable of driving myself. I still am. But, I will use what little common sense I have left and stick to the house today. I think of the childhood story of the little engine that could, and like that little engine climbing that hill, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Knees are still shaking though. Today, I will stay at home. This second childhood growing up an orphan is hard.

My family were in minor politics. After the mud slinging against my cousin running for senator, I shut down on politics. Besides I voted for Nixon (cannot believe I admit to that) and my favorite politician was Edwin Edwards the Louisiana governor. And he went to prison. (Still my favorite). Debi, stay close to home and take care of yourself. Brad, and all that have been ill, I wish you health. And, it is raining so hard at my house I think I am going stark raving mad. I heard from a "girlfriend" I graduated with so long ago. She is a fine Christian woman and will not leave her house unless every hair is in place and all her makeup on, matching outfits. She lost her husband a few years back. She is not hunting for another, she just takes very good care of herself. I think we all are going to have to learn to take care of ourselves and that is a hard thing to do alone. I will go see my neighbor Hettie tomorrow, she gets depressed in this kind of weather also. We have deer season here and I passed the preacher's house and I think he got an 8 point buck. Billy preferred to shoot animals with a camera, but I have nothing against sportsmen who consume what they "harvest." Myself, we never ate wild game. So please, you all take care of yourselves.

Oh Brad, I think that is what we are all here for. To try to help each other "get well" or just to feel better. I think I would be in my living room running in circles constantly if I did not have this forum to go read. I have not been sick yet, still have problems with my colon rupture, but it is an everyday thing. I just watch my temperature. I know if I get sick then I will just lose it. He was my nurse. It is raining here and that song "raining in my heart" is all that comes to mind. I put on my Facebook page the words to Little Orphan Annie, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow." Take care of yourself Brad. We have not had real cold weather in this part of Arkansas. I miss Louisiana right now.

I love these Kay. My hands are so shaky I cannot do crafts, but I sure love those that others can do. In my younger years I could look at a dress and go home and cut me a pattern out of newspaper and make that dress. My mom taught me how. Now, I cannot thread a needle even with a needle threader. I have a hard time writing, but I can still type, so I retain some use of my hands. I was going to say "all is not lost" but as we all know, at this time I am thinking it is. Here's to happier times and the sun coming out.

Happy to hear from you Debi. You were missed. Take care of yourself. I think a lot of us have been "under the weather" also. We are expecting sun Wednesday, but should have storms until then. My mood is gray and dismal right now.. And our governments? I hate politics, I hate grief the most. Stay safe and well.

I just remember Billy saying "the one who is left should stay." Well, I'm staying, but I sure ain't happy.

I so wanted it to increase his appetite and encouraged it often. Unfortunately, it did not help. It did help with his mood though, he just could not eat or drink anything. I had bought the most fortified Ensure and Boost. I have lived off of this the past month. He only had two chemo treatments. His body just totally turned against him with such a ferocious attack, so soon, I could not fix anything, one day I got 2 oz. of Gatorade down him. Our visits were for saline boluses more than for chemo. Maybe I should be grateful for small favors. But the short use of marijuana definitely helped his mood and was wonderful, funny bonding sessions with his two middle aged kids. They laughed a lot and he pointed out all the formations of the stars to them (he has to me before too, but I cannot remember), but his mind was sharp, loved numbers, loved studying till the end.

Brad, I typed medical transcription for 43 years. I always hated to type the word palliative care. And yet, while in the big hospital, the palliative care nurse came to us. I did not tell Billy what the word palliative care meant. She spoke from anonymity about one thing, and that marijuana helped some symptoms. Of course it was illegal, and of course Billy had never had any. He spent some of his best moments with the marijuana provided him, bonding with his kids during this time. Was I against this? Definitely not. I did not join in, not from being annoyed at it, just because my two times of attempting to smoke regular cigarettes in my teen years hurt my lungs so bad when I tried to inhale that I had no desire to try ever again. And, my mom would have bought my cigarettes. She is 94 and still smokes. I am happy that Billy had that time with his kids, with laughter, with talking and looking at the stars. I came outside once with them, he saw me, and somehow his legs let him run and hug me. He looked like a bowlegged cowboy, but it is one memory I can handle right now with a smile.

Before we moved into Arkansas I wondered how an old woman, or even a middle aged woman would traverse these rocks everywhere. We had the kind of flatlands in Louisiana where the road was straight, no hills, only necessary curves, and a Walmart was close (where ever I was). Billy handled everything. He was not a handyman fix-all person. We did not have to have an electrician change our light bulbs, but he definitely was not a homesteader. Neither am I. I prefer to rent where I don't have to be responsible for appliances, etc. Billy's family always rented. Small, small town. I do remember one time he built them a very sturdy outside toilet, a two hole one. Oh, that was many, many years ago within the "city" limits. I think Billy could have existed without me. The facts were he went down so fast, only six weeks, and he lost so much dignity during those six weeks. He hated me bathing him. He hated me shoring him up to walk and he lost the ability to walk so fast. He was gone in an instant. I cursed the time that I did not have with him. I wanted to care for him. But, my only consolation, and it is such a poor consolation, but a true one, he did not suffer long, the pain was not unbearable, and he just quietly left me. Either the aneurysm in the back of his brain burst or his little heart just gave up. I cursed the time that was taken away from us. But, his dad and my dad were in the hospital with all life support turned off and we were only allowed to put ice chips on their lips. Both men lasted six days with the family watching unbearable pain that not even enough morphine could be given. I did not want him to leave me period. But, he did not suffer the pain most cancer patients suffer. Is that a consolation? It has to be, I am allowed no other.