Margm

I think coming into this empty house alone was the hardest thing I have done yet. I got angry, cried, and told him "you always protected me, if there is any way you can just help me, please help me now." This afternoon, I felt peace as if someone was with me that was safe. Just as if my son had been in his room (he wasn't) but I just felt safe for the first time since I got home. I had so much anxiety that even the Xanax did not help. This afternoon though, no Xanax, Patriots playing, and I was at peace. I said I used to believe in "signs", mystical, magical stuff. Billy used to laugh at me. But maybe this was the "peace that passes all understanding" that my mama used to quote to me. I felt safe with Billy.

Brad, the only recent memory, or any memory I can handle is when my son got Billy some marijuana. He had never smoked it and by this time he was using a walker. He went down in five weeks what would normally take months or years. Anyhow, they were sitting out in front of the RV, he had a pipe smoking it. I came out the garage door and he jumped up and ran bowlegged to hug me. Both grown kids were up ready to grab him because he could not walk good, much less run. It was so comical, his legs were so bowlegged and he was happy. I sure wish they would make that stuff legal for people with illness. I cannot even smoke regular cigarettes, but it made him feel so good for such a short time, I know it could help others. He went from riding the elliptical 30 minutes in August to wheelchair by October. We did not find out he was ill until the day after labor day. Then found out he had an aneurysm on the back of his brain, and I think that might have been what took him so fast, but the death certificate said "ca colon". Questioning things is really too late now. He would still be just as gone. I am not at the point I can look at his pictures yet. It is like sticking a knife into me. I hope with time I can look at things. And, I don't want anyone touching his things, and hopefully I will let go of that obsession. He liked New England Patriots and I almost could see him sitting in his chair. Then I cried, but I have held it together pretty good till then. (I probably have told this story before), but this just reminded me. And, my son said "Daddy did not like tables crowded" but I had made a shrine of his things around his urn. A beautiful, heavy wooden urn with a tree of life engraved on top and engraved words below. Okay, I will quit now.

Thanks Kevin. I think you live in Canada (am I correct?), BC to be exact. I'll bet that sunshine is beautiful. We have gray dripping skies in west central Arkansas. The little dry stream bed at the bottom of our hill is a raging river.. When I got my first job I was so full of myself. I was at Mama and Daddy's and Billy told me something to calm me down. I told him what he could do with his advice on "my" job and he told me "you know, if you mess with me you will quit that job tomorrow." My daddy, who never could stand up to my mama, ever, he laughed and applauded him for "wearing the pants." Now, that was back in 1970. Over the next 43 years from 1970, Billy "allowed" me to keep my job and advance, but we were partners. Now I have our retirement, and he made sure I was taken care of, along with my own retirement. Right now, I would be happy to allow him to "wear the pants." Sometimes wearing them is problematic. But, that is one thing we women have to do (and men too), we have to try to be strong just to show our children and grandchildren (and ourselves) that we can. Terrifying sometimes isn't it?

If I was the one gone, Billy would be in the deep woods somewhere (hopefully somewhere that the ice storm had not hit), with the butane heater running, reading his Kindle (cause it is raining all over central Arkansas. Weather permitting, he would walk the woods and fish the streams. We discussed ahead of time (I was the one probably going first), but the discussion was made. Just by chance I lived, I would also go in the RV, by myself. Only, I would have to have one I could drive, so that first week after "he left" I was getting a small Class C. Then, the emotions hit. RVing was for us. I loved it (for us). My emotions on being alone was anxiety, fear, amnesia, and then the whole body paralysis set in. Then I could not look at his pictures. I did not want anyone, not even his children touching anything that was his. Grief is not a mental illness, but I am one person that can take it into a certifiable illness. Last night was my first night "alone." I was totally petrified. Where was that strong woman people were calling me. I hate to say this, but I self medicated myself into sleep and still kept waking up. This cannot be allowed to happen. I am no spring chicken, I might be an old hen, but there is still some fight left in me. I come from strong stock, and all of them widows. Hey, I will get my steps in coordination. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, said the little red engine that could.

Hey, I just learned how to load a dishwasher (Billy called it "his job."), and that is why I want to rent, and don't want a house. We have always owned our homes and it's just not worth it (to me). But, a lot of women (my neighbor Hettie, my mama) who do not want to leave their homes ever. I think I have gypsy blood because I hate to stay in one place long. Not sure I will even stay in the apartment long, will spend all my money on movers. Hettie, my neighbor, has a house that has so many levels, an empty apartment downstairs for relatives, storage rooms everywhere, and it is beautiful. She stays in it by herself. My grandma stayed by herself in a big old farmhouse out in the country years and years. I have never stayed by myself but once in an RV, and I did not mind that at all. Billy used to go behind me turning out lights. I am by myself tonight and I have 4 outside lights and every light on in this house.. He would say "what are you scared of." I could only say "I don't know, but something/anything." Kevin, about the traffic. The little town I live in right now has 1000 people. Shreveport/Bossier is a giant compared. The traffic was terrific. We had to park a long way and walk or drive around waiting for someone to back out. I am going to get me one of those little, what Billy called clown cars. It gets 40 mpg, has 4 doors, and sorta looks like a SUV, but is small. Seems like it was a Nissan Note, or something like that. I am trading my big truck with my son for his little Ford truck until then.

Kay, actually, it blows in. It has a top on it and he climbed up there before and put sealant all around it. The house was built in 1965, but we have lived here 8 years.

Thanks Debi. I think about you and the others often.

I always believed in magical things, some mystical, maybe not supernatural. Billy did not believe in supernatural anything. I drove the around 360 mile round trip without any problems. I talked to him all the way down there and through the rain and flooded roads all the way back. My son wanted to drive me, but I had to be dependent upon myself. I love my kids and they want to "take care of me," but I have got to be able to do things by myself. I even drove the truck with my 16-year-old granddaughter with me during the Black Friday traffic in Shreveport/Bossier. No problems. I asked Billy to "show me a sign" as to what I needed to do about moving. Of course, the only sign was a peaceful time with my mom, sister, daughter, son, granddaughter and the "significant others" of my son and daughter. I even made the dressing. No one cried. We were all aware of the missing father, husband and grandfather. The before meal prayer included him. I think the peace we all had was sign enough for me. Right now, I almost wish I had let my son take me because it will be after dark before they make it back home and this three bedroom, living room, den, two bath home is entirely too big and quiet. I am having anxiety I did not have over the last three days. I need a very small place, no upkeep, no yards to mow, no appliances or AC/heat to worry about, no chimney that I hear leaking right now. Billy hated taking care of a house, so do I. I hope each one of you had some peace this holiday. Just a tiny amount helps. Oh, and my granddaughter likes me to watch movies with her so she kept me occupied and I can lose myself in movies. She and I have the same taste. Mostly animated ones.

I live in a town of just turned 1000 people. We have an amazing senior center, nursing home and beautiful assisted living. But, Louisiana is my home. I went to the senior center right after Billy passed away for a grief group, and they had had one, but I believe the woman that conducted it passed away, but they did have bingo. I came home and found this forum. I have too much to take care of to go play bingo, but certainly sounds entertaining. I am not against it, just cannot do it right now. Headed to Louisiana this morning to be with extended family for a few days. And, my relatives don't serve alcohol at my pity parties, so my mood will have to enjoy my granddaughter, daughter, mother, sister, son, and all their partners. I hope you and yours have a day you can tolerate at this time of the year. I rely on comical movies, Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda on Netflix, although some people don't like them. We just do what we can, when we can.

Amily, it will be six weeks Saturday that Billy left this world. I came directly here I think three days later. My faith, my religion was not helping me. Nothing was helping me. I cannot say anything helps now. None of us want to be here, but sometimes talking it out provides one moment of solace. Only one moment. I am of the age that a lot of my friends had already lost their husbands. They have been my guides. My neighbor has been my rock. She lost her husband a little over two years ago. I visited her today and the holidays make us depressed. My son is bipolar and the holidays always made him depressed, even before he lost his father. This year will be hard. Every year will be hard. I think the saying goes that the journey of 1000 miles begins with one step. And right now you and I are probably both afraid and alone and that step on this path is hard to see. I do have some of my faith back though, and even though I cannot see daylight yet, I am hoping that I might be able to soon. There is so much to take care of and to tell you the truth, paying bills, eating, talking to people, reading, watching TV, that is something we have to make ourselves do. It is not easy. I know Marty will provide you with literature to read that provides some insight, maybe not comfort yet, but some idea that we are all going through a bad time together. Knowing that does not help. But knowing grief was not a mental illness helped me a lot. I cannot guarantee that I am not certifiable right now though. Just stay with us.

My big saying used to be "Lord willing and the creek don't rise." I don't say that anymore. I used to look at "signs" as magical. I have had a yard full of red cardinals today, which I used to think "Mammaw, my daddy" but at this space in time I look at them as just birds looking for food. Billy did not believe in my magical side of life, but he loved hearing about things I believed in. One time walking up Signal Peak in New Mexico's Gila Wilderness, I heard distinct women's voices on the trail ahead of us. I heard them over and over. When we got to the top, there was no other trail or road for them to have come on except to pass by us. I knew I had heard the ghost voices of Native American women. When we came home and I told someone about it and looked to Billy for confirmation, he denied hearing them. I guess that was my magic and mine alone. That is a part of my life I want back. That is a part I will go looking for again. I so wanted, whoever passed away first, to be able to communicate with the other. That is something I hope I do not give up on.

Gwenivere, I looked up the meaning to some of the "stages." Actually, the articles that Marty left us to read helped. The first week he was gone my bravado was big. I was going to get me a Class C RV, small one, as I cannot put together this travel trailer that we have. I think sometimes when Billy and I would say "you are me, I am you" it was something that I believed in very much. That first week I believed that I could do this. Then, the real reality set in. I was going to do it by myself. At that time all I knew was I wanted out of this way too big house we were planning on leaving anyhow.. Over the years since Billy faced the fact that he was probably going to make this journey by himself (I was the one that was dying), he tried to make me dependent on him. I had to fight my grown kids (still do) and him too just to drive the truck to the "big city." Maybe my friend saying "Now you will be able to find yourself" meant that I would be totally dependent upon myself. I will never have all the pieces of this big puzzle that we have to put together, but at least maybe I can find all the corners. My grown children are right there for me. I don't want to be the little old lady living with her children, totally dependent on them. I am strong physically for an old woman. I know I want an apartment, small, by myself, and I want to rent. No more worrying about appliances, AC/heating units, floors, plumbing, chinks falling out of the brick walk and steps, fireplace leaking, termite checks, mowing yards. If I remember correctly, when my close relative was in AA, she said the first year (away from alcohol) you do not take on any responsibilities.. About 55 years ago when I first knew Billy, right before we married, he told me he was afraid of responsibilities. Well, we had 54 years of being responsible, being enablers for our children, grandchildren, making many mistakes. I never wanted to be like my mom, totally dependent on my sister just so she could stay in her precious home. But, after having someone with you for so many years, you realize you are a dependent person. So, maybe my friend was right, maybe I do have to find myself now. And, this is where the fear and anxiety you mention walk in my front door.

Scba, I say my mind is encased in wax, as well as my heart. I hesitate to say rock, because rock won't melt, and I am sincerely hoping this wax will melt.. Saying my mind is encased in wax is really not true either. After losing my two best friends and my dad to cancer, one of these friends, her dad to cancer, all while I was fighting it myself, I had survivor's guilt and was under a psychiatrist's care for 15 years. Mostly, she was a wonderful person just to talk to and while my dad (undiagnosed) had suffered from bipolar, of that I am sure, both of my children were diagnosed with that also. I was positive it came from me, and I do believe it was inherited from my side of the family. They do remarkably well, one without medicine because it quells his artistic talents (and he is phenomenal), and the other with artistic talents in photography. Bipolar can be a blessing and a curse. They both do very well and they help take care of their mama, something I never wanted to have to happen, but they insist. During those years with the psychiatrist, she found out I was only suffering from chronic depression, something I have had all my life anyhow. But, because of the cancer, because of the colon rupture from the radiation so long ago, there are certain medications, foods, alcoholic beverages that I will never be able to imbibe of/in again. I know my limitations, so the chronic depression just trots on and now it is in the forefront. But, grief is not a mental illness, is it? And the brain encased in wax? Well, it runs in circles, accomplishing nothing, so the wax must have melted at some time or the other and just obstructs my thinking. I think we all need time. After Billy's fast demise, I do not have the same feelings I had of outrunning death. I used to get angry when someone would say "when its your time you will go." I now am a true believer. You are correct, "this is very exhausting."

Scba, I looked at pictures of apartments, the modern kitchens, the washers and dryers, and where they used to have given me some joy, they were just white bread, vanilla ice cream. Good, but nothing exciting. Plans? They were made my me and Billy. Plans for me are just endeavors because "the one who is left must stay." I used to get so excited over the tiny RV, doll house kitchens. Excitement now is the sun coming out. Hope for the future was glorious. Now it is just a word. My friends say things will change. I sincerely hope they will because existing is just existing. I know I have to make an effort. Doug Flutie's mom and dad went within an hour of each other. My son said "Mom, we just could not be able to lose you both." So, the one who is left, must stay. Where, why, when, are the same as shoulda, coulda, woulda told to us by his hematologist.

Oh Kevin, my mind goes around in circles all the time. That is probably why they tell you not to do things for a year. I do have a lawyer (and I have to go pay her in the morning). I thought she was just being my friend. She invited me into her office. Do you think I am naive? Of course she is going to charge, no matter if I am a friend. Oh well, it was no more than a doctor's visit and she did tell me not to do anything for a year. Honestly, I get in a hurry because I thought Billy and I were both infallible. We were going to outrun death in our RV. Bless his heart, we did not know he was so sick and it took him in six weeks. Lots of decisions going to be thought about, which might help with the grief. Does anything help with the grief? I can tell you one thing that helps in some ways and that is hearing from people like you. You all help me so much. I wish I could help and hope one of these days I will find the top of the water.

Oh I agree. I will be going there. I know my daughter will try to hurry things up. I do have a house I have to get rid of and still am not sure about the money situation. I think I am okay, but next week will tell the story. It may be I have to pay for two places until this house is gone. I just used to think we had all the time in the world. I guess we all think that at some time or the other. I will get all my business taken care of before the 2nd week in December and by that time, maybe I will have found something. I know I have to go help take care of my mother (starting in January) while my sister works, so my daughter and I will swap up times for that and perhaps in between times I can get this house ready. If I get a place down there I can move a little bit at a time. Oh heck, my head is going in circles again. Perhaps that is what I need, other things to take care of too.

Well, to all, is it just because maybe the moon is in some certain position, because this has been one of my worse days. I tried to rush the acceptance portion of grief by every night going to bed and placing my hands on his side and saying "I know your gone, I know your never coming back." Sure made me feel worse. My friend lost her husband last December. I talk to her and told her I was trying for the acceptance and told her what I was doing. She told me to not ever do that. To reach over on his side and tell him how much I love him and that he will always be a part of me and always be with me. I tried that and it did not hurt so bad. I know he is gone. We used to talk about something and he or I would say "I AM you, and you ARE me." That sounds so good, only I don't have him to say that to anymore. So, I say it to his side of the bed at night. Most mornings I wake up with the feeling he is with me for a tiny second of time, but then I know he is not there. It does not usually crush me.. Today, for some reason I am crushed all day. I'm always bad, but not usually this bad. I am sorry we are all feeling this. I know how fortunate I am to have family and friends and unfortunately, at my age, many of my friends are going through years of this and they talk to me and tell me things will get better. Of course, they will never be the same. We have had a cold spell hit central Arkansas and I don't just feel cold, I feel bone cold, and this damn wax around my heart is not melting. Sometimes I do wish my radiated insides would let me drink. Cause, I sure would serve alcohol at my pity parties.

I'm sorry Debi. I did read about it on Yahoo news. I don't watch news on TV. I did think about you though. I am so sorry they are making it hard on you. Just stay inside away from everything. I guess that would be a very hard thing to do if you don't have a supply of everything in the house. Please let us know how you are doing.

Kay, if I was going in the RV I might have to get rid of things. Eventually, I probably will move into a small apartment. I have to keep this desk, it was the only piece of furniture he picked out himself. No, it is no hurry. I sometimes think I have to do something just to move ahead. As it is, I can lose myself sometimes in the TV, in certain programs. No news programs. I have been known to walk down on Sunday to get the mail. Now I watch church on TV, so I know when Sunday happens. I am afraid I will start crying in public places. Heck, I shed tears at J.C. Penney because I was spending money from his first retirement check since his passing. I think I will slow down. I can slow down the body, but the mind won't slow down yet.

Thank you Marty. I have not been able to even look at his pictures yet. I hope in time they will give me comfort. I will tell one thing that gives me comfort to remember. He had never smoked "pot" before and we thought it might make him have an appetite. (We even told his doctor, and he did not advise against it). His first time of smoking it he already could not get around good, without help, but he came running to me looking like a bowlegged cowboy and hugged me. It brought him to life, for a moment anyhow. I love that memory. I will be able to remember other things later my friends tell me. They walked this path long before I did. This forum and my friends help me so much.

Thanks Marty, I bookmarked them this time and they all had my picture under each word. I hate grief. Okay, that is anger.

Thanks Kevin. I used to believe in magical things, but right now I am just a flat line. That is ironic because of my congenital tremor, if I drew a flat line, it would at least have a loop or two in it. Billy didn't even like instant potatoes, I doubt I can get rid of this grief instantly either. Thanks, I knew I was going too fast, but my mind just goes in circles and gets nowhere. Of course, I am going too fast. His words to me when I had cancer echo often. If I died, my worry, my pain, all of the problems would be over and those that are left behind, well, now we bear the pain and the worry.

Well Gin, since I am having a rough time this afternoon, possibly I can answer. We have lost someone we love very much, that loss is just five weeks old with me and today I am feeling terribly alone. I can tell you about guilt though. My last emotion with my husband of 54 years was anger because he was giving up. I wanted a miracle. I wanted way too much and my last emotion to him was anger when I should have been holding him. So, we all carry guilt. After five weeks when I see him in my mind's eye, when I see him laying there and I was not holding him, sometimes I can shove it to the side and not think about it. But not all the time. Anyhow, I think guilt is one of the emotions that we all feel. None of us know how to do this. This is so new and terrible, all we can hope for are moments of solace. I do not know if this helps you at all, but I am at the age where many of my friends have lost their husbands. The years go from just last December all the way up to 17 years for one of my closest friends. We all belong to a group we don't want to belong to, but there are people on here that can give you those moments of solace, so you have come to the right place. We all are in various stages. And..........none of us know how to do this, but some have been doing it a lot longer than I have. But, I share guilt with you. I think a lot of us do. I think Marty, the counselor will be on to help you too. I wish I could do more. I will tell you this. I think, (if this foggy wax brain can remember), I think I have had one day I did not cry. My heart is with you my friend and I wish I could really help.

I don't mean to hog this whole forum, but I am having a very big problem of throwing anything out except the medicine he came home from the hospital with. Our son (Scott) went through the bottom of the locked gun cabinet. (All we have now is Billy's dad's old broken gun and my dad's broken 22 rifle) plus muzzle loaders he played with in the past. Actually, all that is left of those is the one he gave Scott. There were sacks in the locked bottom and Scott said they were just empty boxes and trash. I would not let him throw them away. Just now is the first time I have gone through the case we took to the hospital and the "trash" from the bottom of the gun cabinet. Well, that is all it was, just trash. Some dating back to 2003. I did put all this in a trash bag (just the trash), but I hate letting anything of his go. My cousin passed away after many years of a terrible marriage and his wife had everything gone that first week. I have all his fly tying equipment I have to go through. I'm not going to do any fly tying, but I am going to hold onto it. I don't know why. I just cannot let anything go. I gave his new camera , the lens he had waited so long to get, I gave that to our daughter who does photography. He never got to use it. The RV and truck will go with my son. I cannot pull the RV and could not load all the stuff I want to keep in it anyhow. That was OUR dream. If I had been the first to go, he would have taken the camera and the RV. I have a congenital tremor and photography is something I cannot do. Days like today I am not sure even how long I will live. Will I live long enough to leave this house neither of us really wanted? I cannot stand to be where he left me. I want to go back to our old home, where our relatives live and some are buried. I will "test the water" Thanksgiving making the trip by myself. That is going to be rough. It is not what I have to do, it is what I choose to do. The one thing I never wanted was to be a burden to my children. I have been so adamant about that for years and years, ever since my mom would not leave her home for a smaller place. My sister had no responsibilities except herself so she moved in with my mom. This has been a terrible experience for her. Now, I have to help her with this and try to keep myself from being a burden to my children. My daughter wants me to live with her. Right now I am so vulnerable I don't know what to do. My daughter has always said I had to live with her. She did not give me any option. Of course I told her no. I can live by myself. I can live in a very small apartment, just not this huge house. I think I am planning too fast. But, do any of the rest of you feel like you might just "go at any time." Or is this just the grief. I have some health problems, but to be honest, as long as I take my MiraLax, I am fine. Too much information. I could walk two miles without any trouble, I have no problems getting around. It has just been five weeks. Am I just hurrying things? Sometimes things just seem too much to even think about.

I have not seen my mom since June. My sister said she is a much sweeter person now. She came from a very big family, a very loud family. The family reunions were something to remember. Each girl tried to out yell the other. Eventually, one would get angry, go to her car and drive home. I loved those reunions. My cousins and I still talk about them. (The ones who are left). All the sisters outlived their husbands. We all figured the husbands were ready to go anyhow, they never got a chance to talk. Funny, all the husbands would get together alone at these reunions and have eggnog, or whatever season it was would have another drink. A lot of the men drank a lot away from the reunions too. I can really sympathize with them. All of those girls were totally beautiful in countenance though, just their tongues were sharp. Mama calls herself "the last of the Mohicans" (sp?) and despite being mixed German, Irish, Dutch, she really is the last one.