Margm

We only got two for the state of Louisiana employees. But, I had annual leave so took off as many as i wanted for my dad. No working anymore.

My granddaughter and I have watched probably 25 Red Box movies so far this month. It helped both of us. No sad ones, some happy tears. She was the most happiness for Billy for 16 years. Me too.

It is 73 degrees at 8:00 am this morning. Going back to the house in AR. Dread it but my 16 y.o. granddaughter is going with me which helps tremendously.

I had 54 years, 3 months, and 14 days, and I wanted 54 more. Maybe I am lucky. Right now I just feel lost, even with a lifetime of family around.

Billy believed in healthy living, but he had the tobacco monkey on his back that he would not, could not give up. Oh, he kicked smoking nearly 40 years ago. But that nasty snuff which he ingested internally, I believe, was what did him in. But then again, my mama, before she started school picked up "shorts" from the churchyard by her house with her older brother. She is 94 and still smoking.

Well folks, this is Louisiana weather. We had the AC on all day, even in the truck. Tornado warnings were out till 1:00 p.m. Kinda suits my mood. Bah humbug! I hear rap music loud down the street. I feel a Grinch attack. I gave good presents, did not wrap any of them and gave them randomly. No one seemed to mind or expect anything else. This was Billy's holiday. This is why we called him Billy the Kid.

What an uplifting story. I think we all needed that. Thank you so much.

I was sitting with my little 94-year-old mama. She has Alzheimer's. There was a rare moment of recognition and her remembering me and Billy. I wanted to cry and talk to my mama. But then she remembered his brother being one of her 3-5 husbands. Mama's only husband was my dad, who passed away over 30 years ago. I still have my mom, yet I do not. I have had my mama for 73 years. I had Billy for over 54 years. My brain is numb most times thankfully. Can you think how lucky I am/was to have these people for so long? Count my blessings? I can do that, but the pain is still with me. And fear. What do I do now? I go back to our house Saturday. One foot in front of the other. The journey of 1000 miles begins with one step. My journey won't be that far and I don't care. My family, all of them are so supportive and do not. want me going back to that empty house. I don't want to go. I will attempt another quote, "promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."

I have all pain medicine from Biilly's illness. I could not stand the idea of my kids and my granddaughter seeing my death face mask the way I saw Billy's, because it.would haunt them like Billy's haunts me. My widow neighbor said to get rid of the pills. I will not use them because I figure good ole honest illness will take me first. I will hoard his clothes and hobbies until I cant go through them. I have to go finish up business in January and pay what the insurance and Medicare did not. I can afford a nice apartment, but I want people of all ages on.all the sides, top and bottom. I do not want to live in a senior nothing. I want young life around me. If I "have to stay" I want it on my terms.

We certainly exist, unfortunately, that is all. I am among family. They are so supportive, hurting themselves, but do not try to judge me. I love them all. My thought for today was by Sara Henderson: "Don't wait for the light to appear at the end of your tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself." I am not young anymore and the light of my life went out. I am no swimmer but I have to find the surface to breathe. I often feel I am drowning. Billy said "the one left must stay." So here I stay.

We had bought our first cell phone those many years ago, and thank goodness I could not get reception as I was going to report a "controlled burn" as a forest fire. I was afraid to pull the big 5th wheel up to Alpine, so we parked it on the New Mexico side and toured those East Arizona mountains. I saw the arrow tree that is still a mystery to me off what they then called highway 666. That part of Arizona is magical Brad. I know it can be lonely for you and I could never travel there again either without Billy, it could never be the same without him seeing it also. It is beautiful country.

I met Billy this month in 1960. He said he had never had any responsibilities and I had not either. We literally grew up with our children, and I think 55 years later we were about to get things right. I will forever miss him until I can be with him again.

Kevin, do you remember a book or movie about a "man without a country?" Well, I understand the concept. I am "home" in Louisiana, only the only time I ever felt at home was when Billy was with me. It did not matter where we were, "he" was my home. So, just like some drama played upon some foreign stage, we will continue our Oscar winning performances day after day until they bring the final curtain down. I hope we can even believe a little bit of our acting, if just for a moment.

Have missed you Debi

Okay, I totally gripe and complain too much. We had our RVing years and were about to embark on another destination, new RV, but I am not sure Billy thought we were going together. I think he thought my health problems were going to lead to my demise. Could still happen as the doc's said I was "unfixable." So I live and adapt with what cannot be fixed. I can still do everything for myself with no assistance, and as Billy said "the one left must live." So I will. Only one person in this life gets tired of the constant glum, and she is a "needy" person for her own mental problems, and actually does not understand why she does not have everyone's attention. Not a relative. I am so fortunate to have friends and relatives who all understand empathy and do not shun me or push me. In fact, I have to insist I can choose and do things on my own. But I have their protection without asking. Billy was (to me, his kids, his grandkids, his relatives and his friends) a wonderful, unreplaceable part of our life. I was lucky to have him 54 years. Life will never be the same, or anywhere near as happy, but I am still a blessed person. But damn I miss that boy.

Brad, do you ever read Edward Abbey? I have read "Desert Solitaire" so many times and Billy and I got to visit some of the places he mentions. I collected all of his books and he made us want to hike all over Arizona. I will never hike in the Cabeza Priata, and I am sure I spelled that wrong, but I did follow Abbey through it. Good hiking.

I have never really been a fan of Kathy Gifford, and hope I get her name and Frank's correct. Football is my season, high school, college and pro. When Frank passed away and Kathy told about his death and his wishes, I had to admire her. He wanted no funeral, he wanted them to throw a party and invite only the people he "adored." I thought it cute when Kathy said it was a "rather small" gathering of people he adored. Now, football gave him a memorial that was nice, but I loved her words, her faith, and her fighting back the tears in her tribute to Frank when she came to work, her first day after his passing away.

Yes Kevin, the most important thing in our life will only be there in spirit (if I can get my mojo working). But, there are still a few things we can be thankful for. Merry Christmas to you, and to the many friends I know each of you have, and I hope they are there for all of you in some way.

Being with family on Christmas is a tradition that has never been broken, in my life. Family has been diluted, but my mom is now 94 and thank goodness her legs are not workable because with her Alzheimer's, she would be Lord knows where every day. She tries anyhow and has bruises to prove it. I have great grandchildren that still see the magic in Christmas, but our oldest kid is gone. Everyone liked to give presents to Billy, and that is why we called him Billy the Kid. Long before the events, he would want to know "what are you going to get me?" He usually had his own ideas and was more fun to buy things for than any five-year-old. He would let the presents pile up beside him and slowly, meticulously pick through each one. I am no fun to buy things for, though they keep trying. My grandmother would save her gifts from all the family and re-gift them the next year to various family members. It was often said "I gave this to her for her birthday" when one received a gift they had given earlier. I use my gifts, but want for nothing (except my best friend Billy), and even when Billy was with me, I was more the Grinch than a good person to buy for. They keep trying though, and I am appreciative of everything, but do not really want anything. As a child, Christmas dinner was at one grandparent's house and supper was at the others. I was lucky to keep my grandmothers until I was long married and had kids of my own. In marriage we went to both parental homes just as we had done before and sometimes when to the grandparents too. Many cousins, many cousin's families. As I am sure each of your family's traditions included whatever traditional meal was established. This year my daughter said let's go against the grain and have pizza, roast, or some other non-traditional meal. Someone always says, no, lets have the turkey and dressing. This Christmas will be exceptionally bleak with Billy the Kid no longer with us. But, the tradition will go on just as it did when we lost Granddaddy Haynes, Mammaw Haynes, Daddy Wise, Grandma Wise, my own dad, all the many aunts and uncles and even 2-3 cousins, Billy's parents, brother, niece, and many others. There will be the ghosts of Christmas past and a few new ghosts. The one most missed forever will be Billy the Kid though. And, it will not be held in Arkansas, but in traditional Louisiana. We will all try, for the feelings of each one of us. And, I wish each of you as happy a Christmas as you can manage. If I was allowed to drink, I am sure the eggnog and Jack Daniel's would flow freely.

Well Marty, I held off crying today until I read Goodbye to Goodbye. I thought I needed to hold Billy during his last moment, I still think I needed to have held him, but I never wanted to tell him goodbye. I still don't. I told him so many times how much I loved him and could not live without him. He would say "I know." He did know. And, I am not living without him, I am existing. That is all I can do. Just act until the final curtain. Damn, I miss that boy.

I won't understand them either Kay. I'm sorry. We have enough without having to worry about other people.

Kayc, we did not have a funeral for Billy. I do not want one for myself. They say it is for the family. When my dad passed away with cancer, I was fighting it my own self. He had a Masonic funeral (which I was on Valium at the time and only remember the people staring at the family mourning). They come to "pay their respects." I am a weird character. I had people that I had not seen in years that knew I had cancer, knew it was a strange and often fatal kind, and the only treatment they could give me was radiation. I had two different types. I had old acquaintances that I had not seen in years come pay their respects while they could. I had rather they did not do that. Back then I was acquainted with my friends Mystical, Magical, and Imagination. Billy helped me get reacquainted with my old friend Faith. I went to a cousin's funeral. She was beautiful, young, and had passed away in her 16-year-old son's arms, an alcohol fatality. Our family has an addiction gene in it and a few members (myself included) have had to kick habits. She was like a freight train headed down a mountain with no brakes. Family members tried to help her, but it had ahold of her and would not let go. It was not cancer, but it was just as fatal. At her funeral, the pastor commented on these life frailties with her family in attendance, a church full of people. He referred to it as her being in a ditch. When the family was riding to the cemetery my two aunts in the back seat mentioned the beautiful words. I turned around and told them what I thought of the "beautiful words." I might even have cursed (for which I am sure they prayed for me). That little 16-year-old son did not need to be reminded of this. This was a beautiful girl in personality, outward and inward beauty that had ahold of something that would not let go of her either. It was then that I decided I would not attend or have one. Friends come or do not come. The person we loved is gone. Accolades do not help me, but they might other people. As I said, I am rather weird in a lot of my thinking.

Billy's retirement was delayed because on the form I filled out as married. It was supposed to be "single." I hate closing doors.

The worse for me is when I let 9:00a.m. October 17, 2015, intrude and I say no, no, no and cannot fight off my last view of the loss of my life.

I visited the cementery yesterday in Billy's little hometown. His family's graves were bare. I have his cremaines with us. He rides with me. I will go buy flowers today for the six bare stones. My grandmother said not to put silk flowers on her grave. I will be putting silk ones on Billy's relatives. On my way back into Arkansas after Christmas, at the north end of the parish, I will do the same for my relatives. I still have not met up with my old friends Magic, Mystical, Imagination, but I have seen Faith close enough to wave at it. New Widow, I joined you 8 weeks ago. It is a rough and painful row to hoe.