sunstreet

Dear Kay, Oh my gosh I am so sorry that you had to endure that cyst on your eye for so very long! That must have been so very difficult! I am just so sorry also that the medical system there is so not what it is here in Canada. I also am blessed with private insurance through my work place and so whatever our provincial plan does not cover it will. Thank you so much for the huge cyber hug! Feeling it! And here is one for you if you ((((HUG)))) Thank you for understanding my feelings. Yes Melissa and I had a wonderful relationship and marriage. I am so blessed to have known and experienced such a love. For the most part I feel warmth when I think on my Melissa. And yes I agree we will always miss them. Life does become enjoyable again though which I remember feeling at one time that could never be possible. Thanks again Kay so very much! Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Marg Thank you so very much! Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Nightwinds I am so very sorry for the loss of the love of your life. Thank you for sharing your wedding photo with us! I know your pain and I remember how very much it felt like my heart was broken into a million pieces! I see your pain so clearly and I encourage you to keep on sharing for I believe it helps. This is a safe and supportive place here. I so remember feeling like that too! A shell of a person and feeling like things were surreal! Still so fresh for you; I encourage to take care of yourself, and do only what you feel is right and you have energy for. My wife chose suicide December 25, 2003 and I still have her favorite sweater which I am wearing right now. I still have some of her things in our dresser. There are no right and wrongs. Do what you need. Encouraging you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Kay Thank you so very much. I am so happy for you that you have a dog in your life. The fur babies help us so! I am glad that your cataract surgery was a similar experience. I am so very sorry to learn of your sister's nightmare! How terrible for her! My pupil is back to normal now, still have a bit of blurry vision but is clearing more and more. And wow the difference in my vision is astounding already! So motivated to have the two months pass and then have my left eye done. The echocardiogram and carotid duplex went as good as those things can go for me. I am glad I am on the other side of that now! Oh my heart is heavy though for I know I must give up my career in the Pharmacy due to Lupus mostly not due to diabetes. I realized last night that another reason it is so hard is it is another thing that was part of me and Melissa. Melissa played such an integral and vital role with regard to why and how I ended up in a careet in the Pharmacy; through her encouraging me; supporting me; believing in me when I could not. It's odd but I feel like saying I feel like I am loosing Melissa all over again somehow. I feel some anger at Lupus I wish it would leave me alone!! If any of you are comfortable to give one I sure could use a hug....thanks.

Dear Marg I see your pain and I hear you. I am just so sorry that we are all in this collective ocean of grief for a myriad of different reasons. The pain is similar though and sometimes the ocean of grief is a torrent and we feel we are getting tossed about and only coming to the surface a short while to get some air and then thrown into the torrent again. It is a difficult ocean to navigate but it can be accomplished and that is one thing that I know from my own experience with grief. Now is the time to be as gentle with ourselves as we can. It sometimes feels like a monumental task just to get dressed in the morning. I encourage you to put yourself and your granddaughter as the priority and put what energy you have into that. What others think or feel is theirs to navigate. Blessings, Carol Ann

Thank you so very much Marty! It really was not as bad as I had anticipated. And you will enjoy the Light show! The pupil stays dilated 2 to three days and vision is quite blurry initially so you will need to wear sunglasses for sure the first three days after. Thanks yes I need rest for sure and a lot of pampering. I am beyond excited at getting a hearing assist dog soon. Thank you for the healing hugs much needed! Blessings, Carol Ann

Congratulations Maryann! I feel proud of you! I agree with you that experiencing a profound loss does help propel us when we are facing new fearful things not right away but after some time and healing we realize that we faced the most fearful thing and we are still here, we are still living, we made it. It feels so good when we feel fear, do it anyways, conquer it and claim the victory! Well done! Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Marg M, I hear your pain so loudly with your post. I am so sorry for the pain you carry. I know what you mean when you say some of us can not accept help. I can only speak from my experience with that and the reasons that were behind me not accepting help. For me, in the beginning of my healing journey I truly believed I was not worthy of help. I believed also that it was a weakness to need help. And my self-esteem was non exisistant. I now know that those beliefs I had back then were a result of the violent abusive environment I grew up in. It was normal that I had those beliefs due to the abnormal things that had been done to me. And so once I came to know this through therapy and alot of self-help reading for all the abuse I expereinced growing up my self-worth developed and is ever evolving and growing, and I began to see not only was I worthy of help but deserved it to. I now know that in fact it is a strength to know you need help and to ask for it. This how it was and is for me And yes I have found that to be true as well that sometimes what seems like a Godsend for some for others it is the opposite. My hypothisis on this is that we all have different life experiences and so what is helpful is going different for each of us. This is my thinking on it anyways. I also hear you how sometimes greif support groups seem not like the right fit for us. This was definitely the case for me. I did keep trying though and I did in the end find a group that was a very good fit for me and am still in touch from some of the participants from that group. Encouraging you in your journey! Blessings, Carol Ann

Well, I am on the other side of cataract surgery....yay! It really was not as bad as I had let my imagination think I did have conscious sedation but it was a light dose so I was aware but did not feel anxious. My Opthalmologist knows how much I love Vivaldi so he had Vivaldi, The Four Seasons playing for me It actaully was this lovely light show of purples, greens, yellows, white much like a kalaidescope. I did find my mind wondering to my Melissa and wondering if this is what heaven was like for her. These beaurtiful colors and this sense of calm and peace. I remember smiling. I did not feel any pain at all I did feel some pressure when the new lens was put in but not pain. I had a post operative appointment this morning with my Opthalmologist and he says things are looking great and said my vision already was better than he expected and told me it would only improve more the next few days as my dilated pupil goes back to normal and the blurriness will go away completely. I can already tell it is such an improvement. I go back in two weeks for another recheck and then will be given an appointment time and date for the cataract surgery for my left eye. It so heartwarming for me that I felt Melissa's presence and found myself thinking of her. I had a voicemal when I got back home today. I am next in line for a hearing assist dog and that has me feeling so very happy! I have been wanting this for some time. Anyhow wanted to update you all that all is well and the cataract surgery went well. Thank you all for your prayers, well wishes and support it really helped me so very much! Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, Thank you so very much. You had a lasting impression on me as well and found you inspirational as well and you are a wonderful person too dear Kay. Thank you for your prayers and well wishes for surgery today. Handy dart is picking me up at 750am and my check in time at the surgery day care is 8:25am. I am as prepared and as calm as I can be. My blood sugar is at 5 mmol/L the measurement in Canada is different in Canada for blood sugar but I am quite happy with a blood sugar of 5 this am. I best be getting my shoes on Thanks again dear Kay Blessings, Carol Ann

Oh my heart reaches out to you both! Your loss is still yet so new! My wife chose suicide December 25, 2003 so has been quite a long time. I remember it taking a very very long time for me before I felt like I could exhale (breathe again.) There are no rules, right or wrong ways of grieving. It matters not what others say or think, how you should feel or not, for it is not their journey, it is not their loss. However long it takes till you feel you can exhale (breathe again) is alright for that is the time you need. What I can share about my journey is that what helped me most was to not sit alone with my pain and become isolated. For when I did it seemed to magnify my pain and my loss and seemed like I was carrying Mt. Everest on my shoulders. When I reached out and shared my pain, my experience it seemed to lessen the weight of Mt. Everest on my shoulders. It helped me feel less alone with it. I shared a great deal here on these discussion forums during the acute time of my journey through grief and for me it was a life saver! One tool for me that really helped was my painting and my writing during the times I was not participating here. It gave me an outlet to express my pain. The painting in particular for me was helpful in those times when words just could not seem to come out of me, but they sure came out in my paintings. I think of the ocean when I am grieving and I imagine the waves and when it is storming the waves are huge and seem to come out nowhere in the gusts of wind unexpectedly, the waves are not so huge in calmer weather and sometimes there are none at all. And one thing I keep in mind is that all waves eventually reach shore and dissipate. Keep hydrated, try to get plenty of rest, and nourish your body as you can. For it is like going into battle this journey of grief and you will need the strongest suit of armor you can muster. For me now I feel only warmth, and loved when I think on my Melissa. The reason I came back here again I talk about in the Anticipatory Grief discussion. I can assure you this is a safe place and I encourage you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, Thanks it is good to be back! Kay, I am so sorry to learn that you too had to have eye surgery. Sorry that you were not aware of Belleruth's meditations before hand. Thank you for thinking of me! I am sorry that you are need of another surgery. So tough all the goings on as we age hey. I am sorry for the reasons you needed to retire earlier than you had planned but I am glad that you have not regretted it! Thanks for sharing that! Isn't that just it sometimes we make a plan and sometimes for a myriad of reasons we have to change the plan and initially feels difficult and wrong painful even and then later we see that the change was a blessing after all. Thanks for helping to remember that Kay! Thank you for sharing. Thank you for thinking of me tomorrow morning. I am feeling less stressed about it today than I was last night so that is encouraging. They will be doing my right eye tomorrow and then in two months time they will do my left eye. Thursday I will be going back to the hospital to have an echocardiogram and a carotid duplex done as the docs are hearing something that they feel needs to be checked out. I am holding some concern about that as well. I use a walker now to get about and haven't been able to drive some time now due to damage Lupus has done to my muscles. I was resistant to the walker intially....hmmmn that seems to be a pattern with me Anyhow love it and find it keeps me independent and mobile. I don't have another love in my life. Came close once since my wife Melissa chose suicide but it wasn't meant to be. I am happy in my life though I have 3 lady friends all around my age and all of us living with an assortment of chronic conditions. People call us the gentle warrior women Thanks also dear Kay for the private messages you sent that I received last night when I signed in. It was heartwarming for me; thank you. I am sorry that I did not come on to say that I needed to be off the discussion groups for a while I don't think. I did not intend to leave anyone wondering about me. Well fatigue is a huge part of me life and need to post this and then have a nap, rest awhile and will come on again a bit later and read and respond to some of the discussions. Thanks again Kay. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, I just spent some time composing a response to you and clicked on submit reply but not showing up in the discussion here So going to send this and see if it works and if it does I will respond again with more Where there is a will there is a way! Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Marty, Thank you so very much! I actually have a lot of Belleruth Naperstek's guided imagery CD's but I don't have these that you reference and I didn't even think to look! Thanks so much! It is good to be back. Thank you for remembering me I feel the collective arms around me with loving thoughts and caring hearts. Thanks again so very much! Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Jenny, I am just so sorry that you had that experience. That must have been so difficult! Yes, perhaps they just did not understand the anticipatory grief you are going through and caregiver stress! I have been away off these forums for some time but I can assure you from my experience that this is a safe and supportive place. You are welcome here and I know we care. I often refer people to the Alzheimer Society here as they have different support groups for many different types of dementia here not just Alzheimer's I encourage to keep searching for one that feels right for you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Hello to all, It's been a very long time since I've been on these forums. I have not forgotten any of you, nor the wonderful safe and supportive it is here. It was necessary for me to be off for some time for my own needs. I am finding myself feeling more and more grief with my declining health and subsequent knowing I can no longer perform at my position of Pharmacy Technician due to Lupus mostly. My diabetes is very well controlled and been a type 1 diabetic for as long as I can remember. The Lupus though is a challenging and every changing array of flares that attack different parts of my body. I first joined these forums after the passing of my cats Sunshine and Street, and then when my wife chose suicide I found myself on here a lot. I find it so hard to be in need of support as a lot of what I do at work is supporting our clients at the Pharmacy with all that they are dealing with in their lives. It seems after all these years and healing and wisdom I've learned over the years. I still find it very difficult when it is I who is need of support. I have a stubborn streak in me I suppose that just doesn't want to acknowledge that my load feels so heavy and that it is alright to ask for some support. Hmmmn I wonder why that is? A good question for my therapist I suppose I think when the load felt just a bit too heavy was when my rheumatologist, my endocrinologist, my kidney specialist, my cardiologist and my GP were all telling me I need to stop working. For me you see to think on not working; well you might as well be taking the air away that I need to breathe and live! I so much love to help our clients at the Pharmacy, support them when their loved one is battling cancer, or a family member lives with Alzheimer's, or they just got newly diagnosed diabetic, or someone just died, looses someone to suicide, or a myriad of other situations where my manager asks me to be a support. As well I am having cataract surgery this Monday morning coming and I am experiencing so much anxiety/fear about it that it is waking me up in the night. I understand where the anxiety and fear is coming from and that trauma is history and happened so long ago. I fled all that abuse so very long ago. And yet here it is waking me up in the night. No matter how much I tell myself I am safe now. Ugh!! Anyhow, thanks to those who've taken time to read my post. I encourage you all and you are in a safe place here. Blessings, Carol Ann

Hi Melina, I find myself coming on the site today after not contributing for such a long time for a myriad of reasons and noticed your post. Thank you for sharing with us Melina. I am sorry for how you are feeling and I can share that I too felt that at several different times along my journey. It will be 10 years this December 25th that Melissa chose suicide. I believe that when our spouse dies it is not just a one level loss but multi-layered and dimensional. And we need to grieve not only the loss of our spouse but the loss of "us" the couple. I am wondering if perhaps that even though you are feeling worse and maybe wondering am I going backwards in the journey you indeed are moving forward in the process. It sounds like you are seeing more clearly and feeling more intently with realizing that who you are; what you want; and where you want to be may need to adjusted because part of the "us" has died. And so I can tell you that I too went through these realizations and felt as if things were worse again too. I prefer to use the word "identity" versus "normal" and the indentity you had as part of the couple died too when your husband died. And so that identity was normal as is the identity that you have now as a widow. To me both are normal and so that is why I prefer to use the word identity. And yes I remember and resonate so well and you phrased it well with the words "things seem wrong; like wearing poor fitting clothes. To have to develop and accept even that our identity is different now was excruitating for me when I first felt it. Dear Melina I have felt the exact same way as you do now and in that moment I did not know that it was a forward movement in my journey. Now though, I have to look behind to see myself in that view and moment and what I can tell you is that I have every confidence that you too will one day be looking behind and see this moment where you are at now and know too that it was part of the journey and movement forward. And how I found my identity was to just begin; try different things; discard what does not feel good; and keep those that do; and allow yourself to feel all the anger...rage even and express it out to the universe by way of writing, painting, ripping up paper, going for a drive by yourself in the car and screaming out loud...these were some of my ways to express anger and rage so that the bitterness you speak of did not keep bubbling up for me. I encourage you to find your ways of expressing it. I encourage you Melina....take good care.... Blessings and Courage ~ Carol Ann

Hello to all, I just wanted to say hello for now and let you all know that all is well with me. I plan to post soon to update you all. I have not stopped thinking and supporting each and every one here as my need was to be away to take care of my health and some legal matters. Those that have reached out to me I thank you for your patience as I respond to you all in the next while. It will be 8 years this December 25 that my Melissa took her life and all I feel as the anniversary draws near is joy and comfort in knowing how blessed I was to have been loved and to have shared a wonderful life together. I rest knowing my Melissa is at eternal peace and this I know because I am at peace. I wish you all healing. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ps: update to come soon.

Dear Marty, Thank you so very much for sharing this article! I have not been on in a very long while for a myriad of reasons and to come back on today and read your post and this article...well marvelous! I have always felt that there should be a new diagnosis in the DSM and that should be it ~ Post Traumatic Growth! I believe that it is possible to grow from adversity and challenges that life throws at us. I was so happy to come on and read this for I feel so alone at times with my growth despite all the adversities in my life. I absolutley love the this new forum and thank you for giving it birth!!!! Blessing and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I am holding you in gentle thought and prayer as you move through your wedding anniversary. I wonder if there is anything you might do and/or write in response to tomorrow being the anniversary of your wedding that may help bring comfort and solace for you. You need not apologize for your how you are feeling at all...not ever. We all understand so well and it is so normal. I encourage you to embrace whatever your feelings are and let them be expressed and released to the universe without judgement. I want to encourage you that it will get better again Melina. This grief journey ebbs and flows with time. I am sorry that right now for you it is a time of ebbing and the pain is acute---it will flow again and you will move further along this healing journey. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, Thank you, I appreciate your openness as well and I know that others here do as well so perhaps it is a benefit to be as open as feels right. I have you upon my heart a lot right now Kay knowing how hard suicide bereavement can be. I also appreicate and commend you for your ability to have compassion despite all you have been through with your Mother. That is something I think we both possess to be able to define someone beyond their shortcomings and not just by their shortcomings. You are a wonderful person Kay and any employer would be blessed to have you as an employee. I wish you every success. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I send my care, my understanding, and want to offer you encouragement. Imagine your pain as waves on the ocean and all waves eventually reach shore and dissipate into the earth. One minute at a time dear Sad----you matter----we all care. Beyond the pain that is blinding now----the Light is there---just waiting for you. Blessings and Courage ~ Carol Ann Dear Marty ~ thank you for sharing..

Dear Sad, I have not read your posts for a bit because I have been unwell with the flu and not on much and I just have finished reading and catching up. I validate how much pain you are in and that it feels like it just gets worse each day. I want you to know though that I see real change in you in that you are sharing so much more of yourself with us and that is change and it is healing; so even though it might feel otherwise you are healing. I acknowledge the tremendous courage it took to share more of your self with us and I thank you so much. It feels good to know you a little better. I so validate how alone you are and how excrutiating it can be and I am so sorry. You ask for some suggestions on what you might do to help yourself feel less alone. Volunteering is a good way to help with the lonliness and emptiness. Is there a local animal shelter nearby? A riding stabels for horses? A wild bird sanctuary for birds needing rehilibation? I mention those first because animals are easier to be around when we are in so much pain and they freely offer us unconditional love. Does a long term care faclity interest you? Is there a women's centre nearby; sometimes they offer free coffe/tea and opportunity to socialize with other woman. Have you looked into any bereavement support through your local community services...often that is offered at no charge. Fairly much anything that interests you there will be a volunteer position that you could try. What I can say from experience is that to stay alone; only serves to emphazise our loss and causes the pain to swell and grow. I am thinking of the news that Kay has shared with us about a dear person she knows who chose to end his life and how you are managing with that news. I hope that you are OK. Suicide is a very sensitive area for me having lost my wife to sucide, my brother and my sister. I encourage you to believe that you will make it through this pain and one day it won't hurt as bad...it will still hurt....but you'll be able to carry it. I hold you in gentle thought and prayer. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

I have a gift and that warmth radiates from me like the sun What a wonderful and accurate affirmation for you, Carol Ann, and I hope you say it to yourself every day for the rest of your life. It's a perfect description of what you bring to all of us each time you post in our forums. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of what happened last night ~ I know we all were with you in spirit, and we're so proud of you on this morning after ♥ Thank you so very much Marty. I will try to say this to myself each and every day and one day I hope I belief it every day.. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ************************************* Dear Carol Ann, Nicely done. I know you reached more than one last night. But even if it were just one the nerves and worry would have been worth it. Your heart and patience leave me stunned. Bless you. Peace, Harry Dear Harry, Thank you so very much! I am sure that I reached more than one person too, I know that I reached one that night and three others came forward since and are now receiving the help that they need. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ********************************** Carol Ann, You have traveled far on your journey and are setting examples of how we all must move forward, not to hurt any feelings but we all control our grief it does not control us unless we choose to let it, this I discovered about 3 months ago when I moved from our marital home to my own...this thing of years going by and no progress is a matter of the grief controlling the individual (my opinion), while we all move in different directions and pace I choose like you to turn things around like the saying making lemonade when you are given lemons in life....so keep the forward motion and I'm right here behind you, making lemonade, triumphing, and moving forward at God's speed....here is a saying that really touches on the progress aspect... NATS I walked a mile with Pleasure. She chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser For all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow, And ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her When Sorrow walked with me! —Robert Browning Dear Nats, Thank you so much and yes I have travelled far in my journey. I like you believe that we have the power to move through the grief of loss and that if we choose we can take our loss in life and use it for good and help others and our self, I have begun to understand that much of our pain is our own choosing and we can have a part in how it effects us; and that was quite liberating and healing for me. I love this Robert Browning poem as well. Thank you for the encouragement and support. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ************************************ Carol Ann, I haven't heard about the rocks before but I think it's a great idea, one I might employ. I'm so glad you can share of yourself so openly, it makes such a difference in people's lives, I know it has here. I'm so glad it went well and also that you had a good time. I know what you mean about our pets missing us, I have a really full schedule in the next two weeks and I'm afraid about how my Arlie might handle it. As I said in another post, my mom was hospitalized with her heart and they learned she has Leukemia, what that means in the next year I'm not sure, one day at a time. Dear Kay, Yes, I do hope you try the rocks and I hope it is as helpful for you as it is for me. Thank you for letting me know that my sharing so openly makes a difference in peoples lifes here----sometimes I worry that I am to open and make some feel uncomfortable. Dear Kay, I am so sorry about your Mom---my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take good care of you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann