sunstreet

Dear Sad, Thinking of you and sending care, support and understanding. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, Thinking of you and sending an abundance of care and support. One breath, one moment at a time dear Kay. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

I am grateful today for making it through my day in court without breaking down. I am grateful for the sun that shined today. I am grateful for my therapist who gave me extra time today. I am grateful for all the wonderfully brave people here at our GH family who inspire me. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I hear and validate your pain and lonliness. I am sorry. I use to feel this exact way too; I understand. The dealing with everything on your own...so hard I know. I wish it weren't so. Don't know if it interests you but what I did to combat lonliness was I started to volunteer; an animal shelter; a long term care facility; and a woman's centre. Gets me out there in the world and away from my lonliness. I was in court today and very tired so not much to offer but wanted you to know I see your pain and I am sorry. (( HUG )) Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Hey Becka, So good to see your typeface again.. Thanks for your support. Oh yes, what joy and healing our fur babies bring us hey.. I am inspired by you, by everyone here, thank you. ****** Dear Dwayne, Thank you so much. Things went well today. My spirit feels on high but a bit weepy which is understandable. ****** Dear MFH, Again, thanks for lighting a candle for me. I have mine lit now...and just as I am telling you I realize it is the first time ever that I am lighting a candle for me.....oh my Melissa is smiling for sure. No holiday here in British Columbia, our holiday Monday was last Monday ~ Victoria Day. Memorial Day is a stat day for you folks down there in the USA.... ****** I was able to complete my testimony without breaking down; and managed through the cross examination. The judge will rule on the matter in one week's time. I was disappointed with this but my lawyer is encouraged. I am so grateful to all of you who offered your support, care and concern for me; thank you. I feel at peace with and within myself at a deeper level now. The only thing missing is Melissa to hold; to hug; to say I love you. I know though she rests in a deeper peace now as well and that comforts me. I am very tired so will say goodnight to all. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Di, What you've been through is unimaginable and I just wish I had half the steel in my spine that you do. I use to feel as you do Di. I could not see my own strength even though it was there. I hold Faith in you that you too will discover your own power and strength. Good to see you here again! Do that which soothes the heart and the rest will fall into place. Di, I am reading this before going into court today. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ***** Dear Mary, So good to see you here! Thank you for your support! I admire your strength, gentleness, and courage. May blessings greet you every day. Blessings and Courage, CArol Ann ***** Dear Nats, Thank you for your concern for me. I am doing well and I am strong and I will conquer. Whatever the outcome I rest knowing that I have shed Light into the darkness and my soul is dancing for I have listened to it and nourished it so it can dance today. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ***** Dear Brian, I am doing well! I was up early and danced with my cat. Yep, that's right I put on his favorite CD and picked him up and we danced. So endearing how he nustles his little face into my neck and purrs. I just love my boy! I have support to drive me to and from in case my blood sugar does irratic things making it unsafe to drive. I am well prepared and I am ready. I'll be wearing one of Melissa's outfits to court today and believe it or not after all this time I can still smell her essence. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Grace, Good to see you here again! Thank you for your support and encouragement. I am sorry for the legal situation you had to get through. **** Dear Sweet Niamh, Thank you so much for your support and well-wishes! Thank you for the (( hugs )) as so needed! I am ready and I could not do anything else. You see it is my belief that my Higher Power brought me into this world and has a plan for my life and that is to shed Light and expose the Darkness. **** Dear Harry, Thank you so much for your support! I feel so blessed! I am so ready and I hope that my courage and strength helps to bring about some change. **** Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, Please accept that here you need not apologize for your feelings and your pain. It is safe here to take care of you and do what feels right. Share alot....share a little...share nothing and just read all the posts. I encourage and understand. You are not alone. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Mary Linda, Thank you and blessings and support to you too. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Dwayne, Thank you very much! My resolve to go into to court on Monday is clear and strong. I am proud that I felt my fear and posted to let you all know what is on my plate. I know my Melissa is giving me a standing ovation! I offer my understanding, encouragement and support as you continue on in your path of healing. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Anne, I am sorry for your additional loss. My heart reaches out to you. Know that I hold you and all in gentle thought and prayer. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, I am thinking of you and want to let you know. I offer my encouragement, support and care. One moment at a time Kay. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Dear Deborah, Sorry to hear about the storm...hope you are weathering it ok... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Mrs. B, Thank you for sharing how it went for you. Just warms my heart, happy that it was a sharing of wonderful happy memories for you. Good for you for not drinking the whole bottle. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Darl, I am sorry for you loss. I hear and see your pain. I am so sorry. I resonate for I was once there in my path after the loss of my wife. I want to encourage you that I moved through that stretch of this path and I pray it will be so for you too. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Brian, I am so sorry for your loss. I hear you and I validate that you are in a lot of pain right now at the two month mark. I am so sorry. In my experience; this is how it goes ~ it ebbs and flows ~ one thing I have done that I find very helpful is I visualize my pain as waves on the ocean; and even the biggest most turbulent wave; the one where we feel we are being thrown about and it feels we have nocontrol and are at the mercy of the powers that be ~ even this kind of wave eventually reaches shore and dissipates. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, I am thinking of you and wanting to let you know. How are feeling today? I encourage you to keep feeling the fear and doing it anyhow. You are so deserving of healing. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Today I am grateful that my Cheekeh (my cat) brought laughter to me by trying to squish himself into a box that was about two sizes to small for him. Marty, thanks for sharing that link. I too am a firm believer in the healing power of animals. I also feel grateful for Hospice of the Valley and the excellence they demonstrate. Most of all though Marty I am grateful for you... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear James, I am sorry for your loss. You ask about an activity that keeps you from losing your mind. Some of mine are journaling; painting; working on my book that I will get published one day; volunteering ~ an animal shelter, a long term care facility, a woman's centre; spending time by the water where my soul feels well fed. Self-care is vitally important; rest, food, water, some exercise. This path of grief is one that tends to deplete our energy so we need to remember to refuel our self. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear pinkpony, I am sorry for your loss. Wow! I am so glad you were able to feel the fear about going on this trip without your husband and go anyway. That takes courage and strength and you attained more healing and experienced some smiling and laughter again and were able to share all of this with your children. Continued courage to you! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear B and Pilla, I am very sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the reason you came looking for us all here but I want to welcome and encourage you. You have found a safe and healing place with many who resonate with your pain because sadly we all have experienced loss. I lost my wife by suicide on December 25, 2003. My experience has been that the gut wrenching pain has been transformed for me into a pain that I can carry and function and feel excitement and zest for life again. May it be so for the both of you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Cheryl, Thank you so much! Yes, I agree that each challenge I face serves to bring more healing and increase my strength. I tear up at times lately thinking on how Melissa would say to me; one day you will not be seeking freedom for you will already be there. I feel sorrow that she is not here in the physical sense any longer to be able to experience life with me now. Melissa was a rare human being and the more I heal; the more she rests in peace. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Nicholas, Thank you so much. Nicholas, 5 months today; I remember 5 months ago Nicholas you felt you could not survive 5 minutes and here you 5 months later. I am sorry for the pain of loosing your Thanomsil. I know how you ache and I am so sorry. The same thought keeps percolating around for me Nicholas. Another book for you to write perhaps; the telling of your journey after your loss of your beloved son Thanomsil. I honor your sharing Nicholas and I respect your path and trust in your judgments on what you need and I thank you for your kindness you've given me as well. Know that I understand and I care and I continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Marty, Thank you so very much! I truly sometimes am just at a loss for words for I can't think of any that would express to you my feelings adequately. How you selflessly give of your time, to help us all here in our GH family, with your wisdom, your gentleness, and your kind heart and just when each of us need to hear directly from you; there you are.....thank you. Dear MFH, Thank you so much! Thank you for honoring my sharing; that means so much to me. I didn't feel I would be judged and I didn't feel that you wouldn't all think of me on Monday and send your support my way. My hesitance in sharing was more about trying to decide if it was appropriate to share here in this forum. Then when I thought that all of us have to face difficult challenges without our spouse and the feelings that come up as a result are hard. The only differences are what each of our challenges are; when I realized this I had my answer. I agree Marty is Phenominal and yes I am aware that you are a therapist too.....and one of the good ones! Thank you for Lighting a candle for me on Monday. Dear Sharon3, Thank you so much! I hope that the committment you had to go off to alone was a little easier and you managed. Courage to you! Dear Tammy, Thank you so much! I am making huge strides all the time in my healing so feel no sorrow for me for that which I have had to overcome has only served to make me that much stronger and to come to know myself in a deep and healing way! Dear Lainey, Thank you so much! And once again I see you pushing through your pain to reach out and move along on this path than none of us want to be on. Keep in keeping on my friend. Dear azBrian, Thank you so much! Dear Steve, Your way with words just moves me to tears of joy! You are wonderfully gifted in so many ways my dear friend; and just when I thought I could not be any more proud of you or inspired by you; I am Yes, I know if you could you would be there to stand in court alongside me and I know you will be there for me in heart. I agree with you that Melissa is proud of me too! I also know that she lays no blame on me. I did not feel this way initially; but that is a normal way to feel after someone has groomed and exploited you; and is how they keep you in silence: they poison your brain with darkness and untruth's. The truth shall set you free; is something that Melissa said to me daily and I am glad I am speaking the truth's and I am free! You Light up my life Steve, thank you. YCF ~ Carol Ann I am ready to go into court on Monday and I will speak the truth's; thank you one and all. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear GH family, I have been going over in my mind for a few days now if it will be alright and appropriate to make this post. AFter much journaling and quiet contemplation and conversations with my Cheekeh; my cat who adores me unconditionally and brings me healing in ways that I can not understand. And converstaions with my God; I have chosen to feel the fear and make this post. As some of you know already my wife chose suicide on December 25, 2003 and that the fact some of my family members sexually assaulted my Melissa to punish me for being lesbian and for fleeing them. I know this had a huge part in Melissa's choice because what they did to her; served as a trigger for her to not only have to live with what they had done but what her Father had done to her for many years. In any event I was totally devistated and unable to function in my life at all and ended up in hospital for a time with uncontrolled diabetes and was treated as a psychiatric patient with a mental illness rather than someone reacting very normally to a whole lot of trauma. Essentially exacerabated all my loss even further! In any event I learned to play the game and got myself out of the hospital and then set about to find myself a grief therapist as I myself was now having suicidal ideation and just wanted to go and join Melissa. I found a therapist and began therapy; for a while it went well; I made a decision to bring my family members to accountibility and they had to face consequences of what they had done to my Melissa. I went through a trial of those three family members: all the while working with this therapist. I felt numb as I just got to the task of bringing these family members to accountibility; then it happened I had a microvascular infarct in the brain and suddenly I had skewed horizontal diplopia ( double vision ) I had a cranial nerve six palsy and my left eye was not tracking. Well, this therapist became this night in shining armour to me. I was unaware that essentially I was being groomed as I had been groomed all of my life. To make a long story short this therapist sexually exploited me. In the end: she abruptly ended therapy without any notice and went on sabaticle to Switzerland. It was at this point I went on the internet and went searching for help and stumpled upon this wonderful site which quite literally saved my life. I came forward in regards to this therapist and her exploitation of me; her agency did an investigation; during which the offending therapist who was now back from Switzerland offered me a written apology and expressed her sorrow and regret at becoming a further instrument of harm to me. Her agency fired her and her professional affiliation who I put in a complaint to as well; revoked her license to practice. I then began my search to find a therapist who specializes in complex PTSD and complicated grief and loss. It felt like I had to go to the head therapist to get help with my intense fear of therapists on top of all my grief over the loss of my Melissa and now my feelings that I betrayed her somehow by what happened with this therapist and felt that if she were alive she would want to take her life all over again. Then add on top of all of this I am lesbian and sadly have to deal with homophobic people who lack knowledge and understanding that yes I feel the same as a heterosexual human when their spouse dies. Two other clients had the courage to come forward in regards to this therapist after I did so I know I did a good thing by having a voice. This therapist had been one for over 30 years and I want to vomit every time I think on how many others were there? AFter experiencing such a lack of accountibilty and the lengths clients have to go to get a therapist such as this stopped I was totally bothered. I found a lawyer who herself is a "survivor" and is why she became a lawyer who took my case on and I brought a civil suit against this offending therapist for the harm she caused me and others. The police when I took it to them: they actually laughed and said they have real criminals to pursue and is another reason I decided to bring a civil suit and writing letters to the appropriate people suggesting changes that I think should be made such as an affiliation should not investigate complaints against there own members and should be handled by a different professional affiliation. And to also have the laws changed so other clients who may come forward don't have to go through what I have had to go through. It has taken a very long time for this to come to court. I began my testimony on May 15: and broke down and things ended and we reconvene on Monday the 29th: and I am to complete my testimony. I don't want to give the impression that I am not doing well emotionally for I am indeed. I just feel it will help if I know others know what I have to do on Monday and are cheering me on and supporting me. Just like when I had to go to the parole hearing in the past. I have been hesitating because I am not sure if this goes against the boundaries of this forum and what we can talk about. I also don't want to discourage any one from seeking a therapist. There are many wonderful ethical therapist's. MartyT, for one.. There are going to be predator's in every area of life: does not mean we don't engage in life: we shed Light....and we continue our healing...as I am doing. I hope Marty if this is not appropriate you will delete and I will understand. It is just that I feel like I need my Melissa right now in the physical sense and she is not here in that way for me now. It feels I need an army of support right now. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, Thinking of you and sending love and support. Remember one moment at a time. I agree with Marty that our beloved animals operate on a mysterious spiritual level that we humans haven't even begun to understand and the bond we share is not broken by separation or death. Marty; I am sorry that you too are dealing with the way to soon decline of your Beringer. My heart reaches out to you too. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann