sunstreet

I just love this thread! I just want to say that I hope you are all feeling so proud of yourself; I know I am! My news that I am so thankful and grateful for is that I will be a key note speaker at a suicide prevention forum happening in my community this week. I have been a key note speaker at many diabetes forums through work but I have been advocating for suicide prevention and awareness in my community for some time now and it is just so grand to be finally speaking on something that I feel so much passion about. Do I have fear...without a doubt....but fear is no match for a determined soul! Thank you for the many blessings of you all here! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear MFH, I just want to say that you inspire and encourage me. Thank You! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I so hear you and understand and agree with you that when life tips you into a deep dark pit that it seems absolutely impossible that you will ever climb your way out and up out of the darkness. I have been in the pit more than one time in my life so much so that I thought suicide was the answer and each time I did climb up out of that darkness and thank my God that I chose life and that where I am today; darkness can no longer be seen or felt. I did not get to this place over night; it has been a long climb; and even though when I began my climb I did not believe I would make it or it would even make a difference; I made the choice to forge ahead; feel my doubts; feel the fear and just go about climbing.....and here I am today living in joy and Light. I was not always an optimist I don't think; so for me I was able to change from being a pessimist to an optimist. I think when my Father developed Alzheimer's and I started to study the brain; I came to learn that the brain is very malleable and actually become quite encouraged for myself that perhaps how I had been conditioned during my formative years could be undone or re-programmed so to say. This is when I think my pessimist self began to loose control and my optimism was given birth. Please know I totally resonate and validate your pain and I care deeply and wish nothing but peace for you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Well, I thought since I am over 7 years out now; I wanted to add my voice and offer my thoughts. Honestly, tears welled up when I first read this thread as the first year for me; I only really remembered details not that long ago. My sister chose suicide, my 5 year old cat Street died suddenly; not that long before my Melissa; then two months after Melissa died: I had to have my cat Sunshine euthanized who had cancer (squameous cell carcinoma) as well as a congestive heart and she was nearly 21. I think I was just in a state of shock at the time and totally blocked a lot of what happened the first year out of mind in order to keep on surviving. I think if I were to offer any advice it would be this; to refrain from making any major decisions about your life; to pay attention to any "red flag feelings" that you may feel about people who seem kind and offering of support and choose other support that you do not feel those "red flag feelings" with and what I mean about "red flag feelings" is that something just doesn't feel right. Focus on self-care and the basics and I would advise to let the feelings come as may and try not to judge yourself for any feelings that come. I have so much compassion for us all and I am so sorry for the the additional pain and struggle that comes through choices we make; people that harm us and even take advantage of our vulnerability; through no fault of our own but because of the raging all consuming pain that comes after loosing your love and blinds us for a time. Finally, I would like to offer that when you get to the point that it is 2 years, three years, 7 years post and more and you begin to look back on that first year; look back in compassion and reverence for yourself; and not in judgement. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Harry, Thank you for your post. Your words so poignant and so true! Absolutely heartwarming and wise! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Moderator's, Administration and other behind the scene angels, I want to express my appreciation for all the hard wonderful work that you all do for the benefit all. I find the layout aesthetically pleasing and easy to use. I know that expressions of thanks and appreciation don't always find their way through and I just wanted to take time this morning to let you know mine. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Country Sunshine, I love your name/handle! I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain. I so resonate as I have been there before. God has always answered my prayers too and blessed my life in ways that I find at times I did not even realize until much much later. I am still developing a life outside of work and home and beginning to try to trust again and let people in my life. I always had Melissa before and when she died it was so hard to navigate life on my own. I lean way to heavily on my cat Cheekeh for company but he doesn't seem to mind. Good for you for allowing this connection! I understand how it helps but that the ache is still there..not being able to touch/hold him and be held any longer. Bit by bit, moment by moment that is all one can do. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I certainly resonate with panic and used to suffer horribly with panic attacks and now they are few and far between. It is helpful to eliminate stimulants such as simple sugars, caffeine, and nicotine as they increase the heart rate and the blood pressure and can trigger a panic attack just on their own. The other thing that I personally found most helpful was to learn how to breathe. I was a shallow breather which was not helpful for me at all. The best air exchange happens at the the lower two lobes of our lungs; and if we tend to hold our breath or breath to shallow then this is not occuring. Every morning and every night I recline back in my chair and place my hands on my belly and breathe in deeply so I see my belly raising my hands. Slow deep breaths and on the inhale I tell myself I am breathing in goodness and calm and on the exhale I tell myself I am breathing out the fear and doubts. The other thing that I find helpful is to think on the five senses when I feel panic as helps me to stay present and in the moment. What do I hear? What can I see? What can I touch? What can I smell? and What can I taste? I find that when I take time to think on answering these five questions while feeling panic coming on: it more times than not will stop the panic from developing into a full blown panic attack. The other thing in my arsenal against panic is my nebulizer that I absolutely love and has the added bonus of calming my Cheekeh (my cat) when he becomes frightened by thunder and lightening or other loud noises. I use a combination of essential oils 4 drops lavendar and one drop of Neroli. I am a huge believer in aromatherapy as I have personally seen it help to transform my anxiety and panic and the benefit I see in the animals that I help rehibilitate who have been traumatized by the hands of humans. I also used a blend of lavendar essential and neroli body lotion daily after my shower. I hope you find your niche Melina to ease your anxiety and panic. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I believe I have always been an optimist; always seeing the glass half full: and looking for what is for me to learn now. I really like the phrase MartyT used in another thread "we all have a griefprint" that is unique only to us; similar to our fingerprint. I also subscribe to the thinking that there are no right or wrong ways to grieve. I also believe that one can feel totally devistated and feel like there is nothing but darkness about and still feel positive. I think that these feelings can co-exist. For myself what was key was to learn to let go of judging myself and welcome whatever feelings came along and let go of the thinking that everything wrong/bad that happened was somehow my fault. The other thing that was key for me was to develop and define a "self" and learn to "love" myself. Two songs are coming to mind for me that speak to me in regard to blossoming into the self-reliant woman that I have become since Melissa died. Tori Amos is the artist and the songs are: Everybody Else's Girl and Silent All These Years. Melina, I think you are doing this grief work exactly right for you and to compare yourself to anyone else's path is unfair for you like all of us have your own unique "griefprint" and set of life experiences. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, Thank you so very much! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. It warms my heart to hear from you. I just want to acknowledge and congratulate you that you have been able to get by with drinking less...BRAVO! Bit by bit, minute by minute, you'll make it through and you have already started. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Dave, I am sorry for your pain. I understand your feelings of guilt. I believe it is a normal part of the grieving process to somehow think that it was our fault. I don't believe it means that we are guilty; as is a feeling state; and not a reality state. The love you shared with Mike is so evident and I know that every choice you made was born out of the love. Please I encourage you whenever the guilt feelings come to say to yourself---it was not my fault---and kick those guilt feelings to the curb. I am sorry you are haunted by the memory and I hope in time that eases and eventually doesn't haunt you at all. What I envision is a couple who deeply loved one another sharing their last three days together and how sacred that was and how precious. In time your emotional self will catch up with your intellectual self that knows you did the right thing. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Thank you all so very much! So much needed and appreciated! Yes, I agree Melissa is applauding and giving me the biggest HUG! It has been a very long road for me since Melissa's suicide and one that has been both very difficult and full of blessings as well. Kay, not to worry about the fainting. It was not due to the lupus I don't believe and more to do with the stress; being a bit dizzy from high blood sugar; and the fact that it was finally over! It is very hard for me to be out in the world; amongst strangers; never mind in court; and uniformed RCMP about that trigger me to historical trauma. It takes a lot of emotional regulation, energy and control for me to remain present and not dissociate when I am in situations like that. So dear Kay, I think it was just all of those things. The good news is that it was a minor bump on the head and a minor cut only needing two stitches. Again, thank you all and please take no offence if I am not responding to all of your posts as can only do what my energy allows for now. Please know I hold all of you in heart and walk with you as you weather your loss. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Brian, I want to thank you for your courage and honesty with how you are feeling. I want to let you know that I don't believe there is anything wrong with you at all. I thank you for your posts as I have learned from them. I found this site and only read posts for about a year before I made my first post in the Pet loss forum. I think that because all of us have our own history and experiences in life that whether we post only, read only, or both will be reflected by that and has nothing to do with how we are as a person and whether there is something wrong with us or not. I think what is so wonderful about this site is that it is non-judgemental and accepting of everyone and their path with loss. I value each and every member here and respect whatever they need to do to weather their loss. So, Brian please rest knowing that there is nothing wrong with you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ******************* Dear New ( Pat), I do encourage you to not place judgements onto yourself such as thinking you are "lazy". I felt sad when I read you say that. You are not lazy; you are doing exactly what you need and that is brilliant! Blessings and Courge, Carol Ann

Dear Anne, Thank you for sharing this special day with us. Anniversary's can be so hard. I will be holding you in gentle thought and prayer. I don't know what the weather is like where you are at but today where I am, the sun is out, the sky is blue, and the wind a gentle breeze. I so relate to the what if's and I hope in time it will be the same for you as it has been for me and the what if's are not so present in your mind any more and you are only left with the warmth and comfort of knowing Dick is part of your heart that only he will ever reside. I wish you comfort and peace as you go about your day. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Nicholas, I am so sorry for the pain of loosing your Thanomsil. I so understand and relate to your feeling that the darkness will never lift. Perhaps this feeling state will subside and the Light will show itself to you again once the pain is not blinding you to it any longer. I don't know if it will help Nicholas; but one thing that truly helped me feel the darkness lifting after the loss of my son was I wrote him a letter. I didn't do it typing on a keyboard; I wrote freehand somehow I felt connected to my son that way. Just food for thought Nicholas. Still so early for you Nicholas. I wish I could take all your pain away for you. Know that I understand and care and continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Thank you so much one and all! It means so very much to me! Will be catching up with all of you in a day or two. Thank you for your understanding! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Happy Birthday dear Melina, I so relate to not having your Thyge with you today in the physical sense. I hope you sense him with you in your heart and perhaps a bird singing in a tree, the wind through your hair, or some other meaningful way to you. Congratulations on your decision to buy yourself flowers! Wonderful! I send you support, understanding and care. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear GH Family, I want to let you all know that I was victorious in my civil suit against a former therapist who took advantage of my vulnerability and my grief stricken state and sexually exploited me. The judge not only found her guilty on all counts but also her agency due to vicarious liability. I am feeling a whole host of feelings and the most of which I believe is relief that this is finally over and I have been heard and the world is in a little better balance today. I am feeling very proud of myself tonight and am resting in such peace that I did not let a therapist who chose to committ such despicable acts destroy me. I feel that my Melissa is resting in even greater peace now and oh so proud of me. After court was over and we were walking back to the car; I suddenly felt dizzy and I fainted. I hit my head and received a cut which required two stitches. It has been quite a day and I could not feel more proud. Anyhow, wanted to let you all know and now I need to take some time to rest. Melissa my love forever and always; rest now my mind is at peace. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, Thinking of you and wanted to let you know. I have to head out right now and it is feeling like I have to climb Mt. Everest to do it. Fear is no match against a determined soul. Know you are cared for and not alone. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

I just want to say how sorry I am for the pain you both are feeling. I wish you continued healing as you move through your loss. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, Thank you for updating us all in regards to Chelsea. Thinking of you Shelley and sending support and a (((( HUG )))) Blessings and Courage ~ your friend ~ Carol Ann

Dear Nicholas, I am sorry for the pain Nicholas. I can only speak for myself regarding depression versus grief. I do believe the two are similar with some very distinct differences: at least that is how it was for me. I lost total interest in my work; I saw no hope at all in so far as life ever being enjoyable again; I lacked motivation; my sleeping habits changed dramatically; I had no desire to eat anything; and thought the answer was to die and join Melissa. Thankfully, I did not do that and I sought help and I was diagnosed with clinical depression; I was put on anti-depressant; and it took going through a few different ones till we found the one that worked for me. The only way I can describe it is it seemed all of a sudden the lights were turned on; I had clarity of thought again, I began to desire to work again, I had an appetitie again, my sleeping habits went back to normal and I felt a zest for life again. The despair left and I began to fight and bring people to accountibility. So Nicholas I am not an expert in this field at all so bear that in mind. I do think the symptoms I was experiencing are symptoms of grief as well and not clinical depression; in my case however my grief was complicated by multiple trauma's and multiple loss; which indeed did lead to a clinical depression and rendered me totally unable to function in my life. So Nicholas, for me I did develop clinical depression, and was treated with medication and the depression lifted and have been functioning very well in life now for over to years without medication; so for me the medication was needed for a time and then was able to titrate down and off completely with the support and guidance of my docotor, my pharmacist and my therapist. Thinking of you Nicholas and sending understanding, care and support. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Robert, You are so very welcome! You are a blessing and a gift to the world and I believe Jason is so proud of you. Thank you for adding me as a friend; I am honoured. I wish you peace. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Thank you Kay and Marty so very much. My night was fairly good; the sky is blue and the sun is shining brilliantly. I am grateful that I will not have to drive to and from. I have been smiling all morning as I have this image of Melissa giving me the thumbs up as she often did. Love conquers all and love survives death. I am grateful to be welcomed here. I thank you all. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann