sunstreet

Thinking of all my American gh family that are finding this holiday tough. I am sorry for the pain. I am sorry for the emptiness that holidays can bring at times. I have thought of you all this day and hope that although difficult there were glimpses of Light. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Chris, Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful victory and healing with us! I am so glad you decided to share as is so inspiring and offers encouragement. I hope your first journal entry when you got home was: " I am so proud of myself " I have found that in doing things that Melissa and I use to do together to be the most heartwarming for me now and no longer bring me pain. It can happen and it takes time---an undetermined amount of time. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Marty, Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I found it very enlightening. Sometimes I find even though I have experienced a lot of loss I am at a loss for what to say to help someone...so thanks very much. Very illuminating! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, I am sorry to learn of this man's choice to take his life. I am sorry for the pain those left behind will have to experience and resolve. I am still healing from my Melissa's choice to suicide; never mind my brother and sister too. Melissa's choice to not leave a note for me of any kind has been extrememly difficult. I must say that my heart goes out to those that are in that place of feeling the only choice is to die. I lay no blame with the person who makes the choice because at that particular moment that feels like their only choice. At that point all clarity of thought is lost; all reason is vanished; all hope extinguished; and in some eye's their act feels like an act of love because they truly believe their loved one's, the world would be better without them in it. Oh how I weep just now for the tragedy of this form of death. Rest in peace dear man that Kay has told us about. Rest in peace. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Dave, I want to add my voice of support to the others. You have made it through a very diffiuclt week and your loss is still so new and so raw. I want to encourage you that I believe you are doing so great. I just felt I need to say it is ok to take your time as grieving is such exhasuting work and healing take a lot of time and energy. This journey is all about you and I don't think it selfish at all. Listen to your heart and your soul, for they know you best, the answers---the wisdom are all there for you. Breathe, slow breaths and just know that love is the loudest of all and it will and can shield you from those who offer help with something they know nothing about. Building your life anew takes time but you have the love you and Mike shared as the foundation. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Pinkpony, I relate to your feelings so well and thank you for the courage in sharing them with us. I hope you are patting your self on the back for going and then for leaving when it didn't feel right to stay. That is just it isn't it; not only did we loose the love of our life but we lost are life as we knew it too. It makes total sense that you feel awkward and afraid of your own shadow. I use to be there so I understand. I think for myself Melissa was the alpha and so when she died it was very hard as I had to find out who I was and take on the role of being the alpha that I knew nothing about. AT over 7 years for me now I can share that I no longer feel fear but I still do struggle with feeling like I fit in anywhere....it is a work in progress. That is all we can do. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, I am so sorry for the string of traumas for you the last while. You have hade more than your share already...just so unfair! I am so sorry to learn that your dog is not feeling well....I do hope that he is ok? I am happy for you that the teeth issue got resolved. I admire you strength despite all you have been through and this I am going to make it attitude depsite it all. Your are a peaceful force not to be wreckoned with in my opinion. I hold you in gentle thought and prayer dear Kay. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Nicholas, Thank you so much and I continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer. One moment at time dear Nicholas. ******************** Dear Marty, As always I thank you. ******************** Dear MFH Mary, Thank you so much for your understanding and empathy. Thank you for helping me to feel welcome and a sense that I belong here too. I so need a sense of belonging and family. You are right it is not the same but it sure does help. ******************** Dear Dave, Thank you for thinking of me and I offer you my thinking, my understanding, and support as you learn to live with your loss. Courage to you...one moment at at a time. ******************** Dear Dwayne, Thank you for your support. Thank you for the reminders the pain of loss ebbs and flows and at times we can feel like it is the first day all over again and that it is ok and normal. Thank you for reminding me not to be to hard on myself for that is something I need reminding of for sure. I am so so sorry for the pain of your own loss and I offer my support and care to you as well. ******************** Dear Kay, AS always I thank you. Dear Kay I am so so sorry for all the troubles that have come your way. I am sorry also for the diagnosis that your Mother recieved. I know that even your relationship with her was not as it should have been; the pain of what she is going through is still there for you none the less. Bless your heart and know I hold you in gentle thought and prayer. ******************** Dear Mary (Queeniemary) Oh so good to see your post! I want you to join me in kicking that guilt that you are feeling right out to the curb for you are so not deserving of it! Thank you for your prayers of peace. Mary, for the most part I am at peace; the pain comes from healing at a deeper level---from right at the root of it you might say. One thing is for certain my life is a blessing and I am ever so grateful for it. ******************** Thank you one and all again. It is hard with words to let you all know how very much I needed to hear from you. Today being July 4th, I know will be a difficult day for some of you and I offer my understanding and support. I will leave you all with this thought: LOVE IS LOUDER THAN ANYTHING. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Hello to all, Eight years ago today my Melissa was brutally sexually assaulted by some of my family members as a statement against the fact I am lesbian. Every year since I have always isolated and stayed away from all human contact. This year I thought it is time for some other way to be. I asked to work today; the Pharmacy was open from 10am to 6pm. At first it was going alright and then as it got busier and I noticed a lot of families out together celebrating Canada Day. As the day wore on I felt more and more alone and an overwhelming sadness came over me. I forgot how much Canada Day is so much about the family where I live and just served to remind me that I don't have one. It is good that I chose to mark this day differently this year for my choice served as a catalyst for yet more pain to come to the surface to be released. It is just so hard to weep alone though. Sorry, I have not been able to be on and contributing. I have been quite sick with the flu and only been back to work a few days. I just don't have the energy that I once did which is expected given my health issues and that too weighs on me and adds to my sadness today. I will try to read all of your posts the next few days and know that I hold you all in heart. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Dave, I am so sorry for the exhaustion that accompanies the grieving process. I am sorry that at times we just don't think we will ever feel alright and that our pain may consume us. I so understand and relate. I validate your pain and sorrow and I want to encourage you that it is so early for you in this process and that bit by bit the pain will not weigh so heavy. I encourage you to focus on your self-care at this time. Plenty of rest, drink water, limit your caffeine intake, eat something, even though it is the last thing you feel like doing get out for a wee little walk each day. Our bodies own endorphins are released through even the mildest of movement/exercise; and help us through this exhausting and at times turbulent path. WE all walk alongside as you weather your loss. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Mary, Oh I am so sorry as I know the pain of this and it is so hard. You are not alone Mary and we all understand. I validate and relate to your feeling that you have stepped back about ten months but I want to encourage you that I believe you haven't. I believe our healing ebbs and flows as the tide. Sometimes we feel like we are back right where we started from and we can feel discouraged. I think when we find ourselves going back and remembering maybe with greater clarity the details as painful and as much as it feels like we are going backwards in our healing: in fact the opposite is occuring and we can not see it in the moment because of the pain. I am so sorry for the pain. I will be holding you in gentle thought and prayer as you approach and weather such an important milestone as the 25th anniversary of the testament of the love that the two of you shared. I am so sorry that Bill is not here to celebrate your life and love in the physical sense any longer. I encourage you to let the tears come; let them wash away some of the pain; and be released to the universe. A native elder once said to me that the pain we feel is testament to the fact that were so loved and we so gave love. May that love and all of us here help to carry you the next while. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Dave, I am glad you had a of feeling in a good mood and felt Mike near and smelling his smells. I know how comforting that feels and I am glad you experienced it too. I really do want to encourage you though that you will never loose Mike, get over him, he will be part of you and reside in your heart where only he can. Please don't every worry about that. It has been over 7 years for me now and it is my experience that my Melissa is more a part of me now than ever. Love survives death and nothing, not time, not anything can change that. I still sleep while wearing Melissa's pyjama's.... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Oh Dear Melina, Wow, that is so much to go through and I understand how hard it is without your Thyge right there by your side. I am so sorry for the pain of that. I will be holding you in gentle thought and prayer and know that we all are with you in spirit. I understand how alone you feel and just wanting to skip the whole thing. I hope that you do get a sense: a feeling that your Thyge is there with you warming your heart. Courage to you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Hi Brian, I am to late to yell but know if I had known in time I would have. I hope it went well for you; and totally on topic in my book; as we all need support when our loved one can no longer be there with us to give us that support in the way that they use to and we miss so much. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, I am so sorry; I understand ; because I use to be where you are now; it is so hard and so painful and I remember wishing God would just take me while I slept. It is so normal to feel so much pain...I know it is hard to see because of your pain...but the pain does get easier to carry...it never goes...but it does begin to weigh less...bit by bit. Hang in dear Sad...we are here... we care...and we hear you. You are not alone. Today was a beautiful day where I live, the sky was so blue, a little gentle wind, I saw a family of racoons today; so cute the Mom almost talking each one of her babies by hand one by one to cross the road. Keep posting when you can dear Sad. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

I am feeling so good after last night and how well it went. I think that people liked what I had to say and I think that some were moved as I saw them tear up. I had some words all typed up and then just decided to not even look at them and tossed all my fear to the wind and just spoke from my heart. I don't know if I shared with you all or not but I love rocks and I always have a rock or two in my pocket; just little ones about half the size of an egg and each one has a word on it. Words such as trust, courage, hope, balance, harmony, believe, heart, carpe diem ~ seize the day, dream, friends, and many more and each day I carry the rock that most fits as to how I am feeling and what it is I need to focus on. Well, last night I had the rock believe in my pocket to remind me to believe in myself and to believe I have a right to use my voice. It is also helps me to feel the rock in my hand when I feel fear or anxious and keeps me in the present moment. Afterwards a young teen came up to me to say thank you and I felt so heartwarmed. I really felt like I made a difference to at least this teen; and caused me to think on my Melissa's client: also a teen who also chose suicide and I know Melissa struggled with it so much; blaming herself some; thinking she should have seen the signs. It was like coming full circle and this teen perhaps will choose life. I felt my Melissa's presence so much and how proud she was of me. The fellow I met at the memorial at the Funeral home this past winter whose wife also chose suicide came up from the city to attend and it was so good to connect with him again. He had to get away from our community: got a transfer into the city; and we talk on the phone about once a month or so now but it was so good to see him again in person. He says that I have a gift and that warmth radiates from me like the sun and I almost started to weep at that point as that is what Melissa always said about me. AFterwards I accepted an invite from two ladies who work at the Woman's Centre in my community to go out for dessert and coffee. My usual response would have been thank you but no; but that isn't what happened...I accepted and actually had a very good time and even had some laughs. My poor Cheekeh though he is not use to Mom having a social life so he was quite worried by the time I got home and wanted lots and lots of cuddles and love which was perfect because so did I. I did have some tears last night as I cuddled with my Cheekeh, not gut wrenching tears, but cleansing if that makes any sense. It is the oddest phenomenon but I use to think that as time passed I would feel farther and farther away from Melissa: our love, our life but it has turned out to be the opposite and I feel her closer than ever and just warms my heart. Thank you all again for your support of me and my walk without my Melissa in the physical sense any more. Nicholas, thank you for referencing the book and yes I have read it and it is good. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Thank you one and all so very much! I am truly sorry but I have over slept and I have to be to work this morning for 9:30am and I have to get out the door. In short, it went so well last night and will write more after work. Thank you for your understanding.....until later.... I hold you all in gentle thought and prayer as you continue to weather your loss. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Well, I am feeling both excited and afraid as tonight I will be speaking at a Suicide Prevention and Education Forum in my community. I have been a keynote speaker many times through my work at Diabetes Forums and I feel anxious but nothing like I do to go and speak tonight. I suppose I am an odd duck out because throughout my life I have always chosen to look at a tragedy that happened and find the good; what can I learn; how can I do it different next time; after I go through all the storms of loss. Suicide has been prevalent in my life and have been bereaved by suicide more times than I can scarcely accept at times. I myself thought that was the answer at one point in my journey after Melissa died. I have been advocating for suicide awareness and education in my community for some time and I am so proud that finally tonight all my effort is being rewarded with an opportunity to perhaps reach even one person who may choose life instead. I decided some time ago now that I can either succumb to all the pain of loss or I can choose to see the good that can come from tragedy if we are willing to see it. For me the loss of my Melissa has been the most devistating loss of all and tonight she will live through me. For me loosing Melissa was the most devistating loss of all and also the one loss that has given me the most triumph in me as a person. So, even though some may not understand my thinking but Melissa's choice to take her life; has saved mine: and I feel my life is worth saving. Melissa my love tonight is for you! Rest in Peace! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Mary'mfh, Thank you and I agree Melissa pushed through her fear of having her photo taken so I would have that. I am so grateful for that too. A friend I met through the GH site here has offered to put a picture of me together with that picture I have of Melissa and then I would have a photo of the two of us together. I am not sure why I haven't taken him up on that offer yet; but I know when I am ready I will ask him to do that for me. Oh Mary, I do know what you went through with the decline of Bill with Alzheimer's and like Bill, my Father was aware of his decline because of the side of the brain it started on. Caring for my Father was an absolute treasure and gift and some of the most sacred and blessed times in my life; alongside some of the most heart-wrenching times. As much as I had grown close to him during that time I cared for him; I felt an odd sense of peace when he died for my belief system allows me to know that he was relieved of his suffering. Thank you Mary, I do believe that I have been able to survive fairly in tact somehow and I do use all the pain to help others now and for that I am grateful for what I have survived for it warms my heart when I might be of some help to anyone. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, You are more than welcome as you are so deserving of support, friendship and care. It is OK to cry as much and as often as you need. In the early days after my wife took her life, I cried every day; sometimes all day; the first time I went on a trip with my motorcycle without Melissa I had to turn around and come home because I couldn't stop crying. Crying is so OK Sad. I actually tell myself that when I cry I am cleansing my body. Keep posting when you can...we are here...we care...you are heard. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Tammy, Thank you for sharing this article with us. I suppose I am the odd duck out as I view all emotions as positive, and for some of us a victory to feel anything at all, due to the formative years that we were subjected to where we learned to become emotionless in order to survive. I think when we place adjectives on emotion such as positive or negative; it gives rise then to interpret or translate that to good or bad. For myself I don't view any emotion as negative or bad. I use too prior to Melissa's death think that the emotion anger was an extremely negative emotion and that if I felt it that I was myself was bad. Now, that came as a direct result of my formative years and conditioning that I endured. Today, I know anger is a healthy normal emotion; and if I feel it and especially if I voice it in an appropriate manner; I give myself lots of praise for I know it is a victory for me. IN fact, as ironic as it is; I have had Melissa's voice in my mind many many times since her death telling me that it is OK for me to feel angry at her for her choice and I hear her actually encouraging me to express anger whenever I feel it. I think when someone grieving stays stuck in an emotion...and does not seem to be moving through their grief then that may require some outside help but is still not a negative in my thinking; just means the person needs some help to naviagte their loss. What I like to think on is the idea of having some "fun" alongside our grief and allowing ourselves that as a way to get repreive from the spectrum of emotion that comes after a loss. So in my case it works better to do things that are fun for me rather than to focus on whether my emotions are positive or negative. My goal that I continually work towards is balance and harmony in life without my Melissa; for me that has been key in my healing. Thank you for the brain food by sharing this article.... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, Thank you for feeling the fear and posting to let us know how you are doing so we have a chance to offer our collective support and understanding. I want to echo both Harry and MFH; that I too see subtle change in your posts; often when we are in the raging storm of pain we can not see any improvement, any let up, any healing but here we three see it and so it must be so. Healing from loss is a torturously slow process but one well worth the effort and we all keep each other afloat. I look for posts from you every time I log on too and always so happy and heartwarmed to see your posts. I encourage you to keep on keeping on....you matter! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Pinkpony, I so resonate with your fear. As I read your post I thought I am going to respond and plant the seed that perhaps volunteering might be a benign way to get back out there. Then to my delight was MartyT offering the same thought. I guess because I so resonate with fear and feeling unsafe out in the world I wanted to respond to let you know that there is power in feeling fear and doing it anyhow. For me, I chose things that offered me safety and comfort in my life, they were my Grandmother and the animals. So I chose to volunteer at a long term care facility and an animal shelter; so at least memories of safety and protection were along with me as I ventured out. It did not happen for me overnight let me tell you; and the more I was able to get out; the less the fear became. Anyhow, just food for thought. You are the engineer of your own train so to say and only you know what feels safe and right and I encourage you as you discover your path. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear MFH, Thank you for sharing such a treasured moment with us. I am weeping just thinking on all that would bring up for you and Bentley...well bless our 4 legged companions. I am so glad that you and Bentley have each other to greive together; helping each other through. For myself I feel some envy and some sadness that I don't have any of that to pull out and look at but I really do receive when I read about you and others here and am so happy for you all that you have that added piece to treasure and hang onto. I only have one still photo of Melissa; for reasons that I don't want to talk about here Melissa did not like to have her photo taken, nor do I for that matter, but on the morning of December 25, 2003 Melissa asked me to take her photo and I believe she did so because she wanted me to have at least one photo of her for it is my belief that in that moment she already had her plan to take her life later that day. So for me it is bittersweet. I don't think I was aware that your Bill had Alzheimer's. My Father had Alzheimer's and the only family member, other than my Grandmother that never laid a hand on me. I was my Father's primary care-giver and my heart reaches out to you for I know that path is not easy at all. Thank you for the blessing of your sharing and I hold you in gentle thought and prayer as you approach your silver anniversary. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

I am not a professional in this matter beyond being a Pharmacy Technician/Diabetes Trainer and Educator. As well as my own personal experience with being treated with medication for clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I did experience a sense of being totally numbed out when I was on medication and void of any feeling at all. In my case though I probably needed to be numbed out or I would not have survived those first few years as had become suicidal myself. So for me I think yes the medication delayed my grieving process but I don't believe it was to my detriment at all. I was put on an SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor) for my diagnosed clinical depression and also prescribed a benzodiazepine on an as needed basis for anxiety and panic. Benzodiazepines are a class of drugs usually the first line of choice to treat anxiety; such as lorazepam, alprazolam, diazepam, oxazepam to name a few; essentially any drug that ends with the last three letters "pam" is a benzodiazepine. This class of drug is habit forming and one may find themselves becoming addicted and needing a continual increase in dose to achieve the same therapeutic effect. I am now not on any medication and am now finding that I am getting flashbacks to those first three years and am able to regulate my emotion, remain present, not feel panic. I now control my anxiety/fear/panic with prayer, mild exercise, cd's from the www.healthjourneys.com, proper breathing, aromatherapy, my rocks, my journalling, my painting, my writing, and volunteering. I would also like to point out that there are aniti-depressants that treat both depression and anxiety and the risk of dependancy is removed. I think the key points are that we all have our own unique needs in so far as navigating through loss and whatever that ends up being is just fine. I really would like to stress the benefits and importance of titrating up slowly to a therapeutic dose of any med and when the choice is made to come off to titrate off slowly too. This will minimize side effects and withdrawal symptoms. I also think that it important to work with your doctor, pharmacist, and therapist/counselor if you have one. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann