sunstreet

Dear MFH ~ Mary, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I understand how painful this can be and you are so right about it being their innocence and inexperience but inadvertently they throw us into a turbulent sea of pain; and then not to have Bill there to share in the pain with you and comfort you; magnifies and intensifies the pain all the more. I understand and offer my support. I hope that today feels a bit better for you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Thank you one and all for your response to my pain and support of me. I feel so grateful that this will finally be over tomorrow. No matter what the outcome I rest knowing I used my voice to help make a difference so that other clients may not be harmed in therapy. I have been thinking about Melissa all day and remembering all the joy we had and shared, all the camping trips; how she taught me how to fly a kite, make snow angels, roast marshmellows, sitting together every morning, her with her coffee, me with my tea reading the paper. Thinking of how my soul came alive when I thought it was dead. How blessed I am to have been loved and given love. For you Melissa now and eternity! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Younggranne, I am so very sorry for your loss. I congratulate you for pushing through and making a post here. No-one need go through the pain of loss alone. I am so glad that you see now that it would be okay if you cried in front of others. Feelings are totally alright and allowed and I encourage you to let the tears flow when they want. I am sorry that your loss is the reason you are here but I welcome you. I hope your experience here proves to be as cathartic in your healing as it has been for mine. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Dave, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mike. Welcome here Dave. My wife chose suicide on December 25, 2003; so I know the pain you are now in. It is excruiating to say the least. I understand how utterly wrong it feels when people say you are strong when inside you feel your heart has been ripped to shreds and you don't know what is giving you the strength to be able to even stand; let alone speak. It is like you want to scream to the world....hello I am hurting here....does anyone see me....does anyone care? You have found a wonderful group of people here Dave who see you and care and know the pain you are in sadly because we all are there or have been there. One moment at a time Dave. Follow where your feelings and heart lead you, and know we are all here understanding and caring. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I understand you feel embarrassed. I want to encourage you and applaud you for being so candid. I believe the subjects that cause us uncomfortable feelings and are hard to talk about are exactly what we should talk about. I only have the greatest respect for you for your honesty and candidness. I suspect that most of us have needed medication to augment the other resources we use to somehow cope and move along this at times seemingly unending torrent of pain. I thought nothing less of you at all! Courage begats courage and I thank you for yours. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Hello GH Family, I don't have the energy reserves to respond to everyone's posts. My lupus has flared up, I am having flashbacks to finding Melissa dead, what my family did to her, and surrounding events and times in the months after her death. I am hurting a great deal and just wanted to say hello to every one and know that I hold you all in thought and prayer as you weather your path with loss. I go back to court Monday to learn what the judge has decided and I will be so glad when it is finally done. I think being free of any legal proceedings for the first time since Melissa's death has freed my mind to remember more and to feel more. Such is my path and I remain ever encouraged as always. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I feel compelled to respond to your post because of my professional self and my knowledge of drugs; their efficacy, uses, side effects, and interactions. I was one of the persons Melina that was alarmed when you shared before. Depending on what anti-depressant you are on, coming off to quickly, can cause a relapse into a worse depression. Alcohol can worsen depression symptoms as well as counteract effects of your anti-depressant, or for most medications for that matter; and lessen the benefits of your anti-depressant. The other thing as well is that some anti-depressants may cause you to feel more intoxicated than normal when combined with alcohol. And finally, any side effects of the anti-depressant or any meds actually may worsen. I strongly advise that any changes you want to make that you do so with the guidance and knowledge of your Doctor and your Pharmacist. It is also my advice to titrate up to a therapuetic dose of any medication and also to titrate down when coming off of any medication. Finally, Melina I don't think there are any particular time tables when it comes to grief. Grief just is; here I am at over 7 years out now and because for the first time since Melissa's death I am not having to bring anyone to accountibilty: I find I am re-living the moments of finding Melissa dead in our bed, re-living what my family did her and find myself in boughts of weeping all this past week, and having new memories surface surrounding the events of Melissa's choice to suicide. I think grief is just that and takes what ever path our emotions and thoughts take us to and the more I think we accept what we are feeling without judgement and allow our self's the gift of expression in whatever form that feels right for us is how we move through it. So emotionally drained at present, and physically in a flare with lupus; but just felt I need to offer my two cents worth to you. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, I am so glad to hear from you again, thank you. I hear you Sad, and I am sorry for how distraught and depressed you are feeling. I know how this feels too as I've been there before. It is horrible, and Sad, you say you have never ever felt this way before so it makes sense that you don't know what to do. I remember screaming my head off many times. In fact, while driving yesterday, I screamed my head off for I find myself in a lot of pain all over again about my wife's suicide. I understand that you have suicidal ideation and think about how to do it. I was there before too; I made it through Sad and I have Faith in you that you will too.I have been bereaved by suicide three times, my wife, my brother, and my sister. I don't want to be bereaved by another; I care what happens to you Sad; you matter and I will pray that you continue to choose life. I encourage you to reach out to the resources that Marty let you know about, reach out here, reach out to your animals, tell them how bad it hurts, hug them and feel that life next to you to help with the utter aloneness and despair. The important thing is to reach out Sad whenever it feels safe and whenever it feels right for you. You are in complete control and you get to decide how best to help you. For some reason, perhaps a whisper from my God, perhaps a whisper from myself but I want to share a letter I wrote to my self on October 31, 2006; in the hopes it may help. And lastly Sad, you need not apologize for your your pain ever! We have all been where you are at; and could only read posts and make the odd response, and some of us can only ever read them and never make any posts. I myself this past week have only been able to mostly read posts as I am in a lot of emotional pain myself at present. Courage to you dear Sad. I care, I understand, and you are so worthy of survivng. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann A LETTER TO MYSELF October 31, 2006 As the pages of your pain pass between us I can sense with better understanding the mountains of grief which have weighted down your shoulders or keep your arms filled with agony because they fear reaching out or withdraw from hands reaching out to yours. I can hear your whispered cries of confusion and the assortment of quiet questions that bind your heart with anger. While your lips remain sealed in silences I can feel you’re protective loneliness and the guardians of doubt that terrorize your hopes of letting it go. I can sense the awesome weariness of thoughts entangled by self-contempt or your body in search of its own acceptance. Yet, beyond all this, beyond the staggering loss and emptiness, which may claim you as a personal friend, you have not forsaken your desire to be healed or to extinguish those nagging voices of inner despair. You have not given up on making peace with your body or rescuing your dignity from layers of borrowed shame. You have not allowed humiliation to defeat you even when your strength seems fragile or your mind walks on the edge of self-destruction and for this and so much more my compassion reaches out to you. Love, Carol Ann

http://www.amazon.com/Widows-Story-Joyce-Carol-Oates/dp/0062015532 Hello to All, This book was recommended to me and wanted to share this recommendation with all of you. I am sorry that I am not responding to a lot of your posts. It has been a tough week for me in reality. I have been experiencing a lot of new memories coming up for me surrounding Melissa's suicide and has been hard. I think with not having to focus on any legal proceedings since her death has freed my mind up for the memories to surface in full technicolor so to say. So please know that I care for, support, understand and encourage each and everyone of you as you forge on in this path that none of us want to be on; even though I may not be responding to all of your posts. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Robert, I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend Jason. You are good and loyal friend. I believe that Jason is saying a prayer for you to God to help you through everyday. You are a testament of what friendship is all about and I hope alongside your sadness you feel proud for being such a valued friend. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, Thank you for talking and letting us know it feels it is getting worse each day. And also that you are tired of the living game. I have felt this exact same way to and it is so hard to be in that space. I remember I would counter my feelings of despair with "well it hurts this bad because I was loved so much and I loved so much" Somehow it helped me to think about that and helped me to make sense of my despair for there was good reason for it. I heard you and I validate how you are you feeling and want to encourage you to hang on.....keep reading the posts here....keep talking when it feels safe for you. Blessings and Courge, Carol Ann

I want to share another poem I find helpful to me when I am feeling low. Here it is: The Oak Tree by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree's leaves away Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark Until the oak was tired and stark But still the oak tree held its ground While other trees fell all around The weary wind gave up and spoke. How can you still be standing Oak? The oak tree said, I know that you Can break each branch of mine in two Carry every leaf away Shake my limbs, and make me sway But I have roots stretched in the earth Growing stronger since my birth You'll never touch them, for you see They are the deepest part of me Until today, I wasn't sure Of just how much I could endure But now I've found, with thanks to you I'm stronger than I ever knew Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, Thinking of you, caring, understanding. You are not alone. I thought this poem may speak to you. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann The Oak Tree by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree's leaves away Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark Until the oak was tired and stark But still the oak tree held its ground While other trees fell all around The weary wind gave up and spoke. How can you still be standing Oak? The oak tree said, I know that you Can break each branch of mine in two Carry every leaf away Shake my limbs, and make me sway But I have roots stretched in the earth Growing stronger since my birth You'll never touch them, for you see They are the deepest part of me Until today, I wasn't sure Of just how much I could endure But now I've found, with thanks to you I'm stronger than I ever knew

Thank you Marty...

I resonate with what you all are saying here for sure. Melissa and I only had two other couples that we socialized with and after Melissa died there were the I am sorry's for a time, how are you doing for a time, then one couple moved away back east never to be heard from again, and the other couple slowly made it clear they weren't interested in continuing any kind of friendship with me. It was very hard. All my siblings already had died. My living family not safe people. I felt horribly alone. Melina, I resonate with you saying that you "feel rootless" and caused tears to well up for I too felt the exact same way after Melissa died. It is a horrible and painful place to be Melina and I am so sorry. I want to encourage you though that you do indeed have roots and are just waiting for you to come looking and begin to feed and nourish them. The way I discovered my roots was through my journaling. To this day every morning and every evening I sit in my chair: with my feet flat on the ground: and imagine I have roots growing down...way down to the centre of the earth being nourished and fed....and sustaining me through any challenge. I even had this image in my mind as I went through my day in court this past Monday. A poem is coming to mind for me that you may find helpful. Here it is: The Journey by Mary Oliver One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" Each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do determined to save the only life you could save. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, Thanks for sharing these songs. I myself find that music can be very cathartic for my healing. A friend recently shared a song with me that thought depicted where I am at in my journey. And it is the song "Cool Change" by the "Little River Band" Her is a you tube link if you or anyone cares to hear it. http://youtu.be/eVbH22ymiEM I am so at home by the water, in the water, and Melissa was the same. I am at a place in my path where it is time for a "Cool Change". Courage to you Melina. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, Thank you so very much. Thank you for seeing my strength. Thank you for being proud of me. Yes, Kay I know and understand that it was not my fault in the slightest what went on with that therapist. This therapist took advantage of my vulnerable state and groomed me and then went on to exploit me. The shame, the fault rests with her. Initially, I took on some of the responsiblity, and is normal sadly in any case of predator and prey. I agree society has along way to go when it comes to understanding that we are all human and belong to the same race. I tried to go back to work on Tuesday and found I could not concentrate well enough and had to leave early. I was able to see my doctor and she gave me a note so I can claim some sick time and still receive my full wage. So I am not working at present and just letting the tears flow when they come. Yesterday I took one of our dogs from the shelter to the park and that was grand. In the evening I went to the long term care facility where I volunteer and played the piano and had a sing-a-long with the residents. Still miss my friend Raymond when I go there but know he is at rest now. My Melissa is beaming with pride. Today I am writing her a letter. This is the first time since her death that I am not having to bring anyone to accountibility. IN some way it feels like she just died. I find myself weeping off an on and just letting it flow and know that yet even more healing is occuring. Thank you so much Kay. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Tammy, Yes, I am sorry as it so hard to go through these special times without Jeff there in the pysical sense any longer. I see your strength so hang onto that and it will see you through. I believe Jeff resides in your heart so he is with you always. I will be thinking of you and your daughter today and holding you both in gentle thought and prayer. Courage and Bessings, Carol Ann

Dear Marc, I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. I am sorry for the reasons that you found your way to the GH family. I want to encourage you that you have found a safe place and an array of people who all have suffered a loss. You are so right that each of us is uniquely impacted by our own tragedy. My wife chose suicide on December 25, 2003, so I went through a period in my path with grief where I felt a lot of anger. I tried to contain it for my upbringing cause me to believe anger was "bad" something to be punished for if you felt it. IN time though I learned that anger is just a feeling and I am entitled to feel it and not only that for me it was neccessary for me to feel it and express it. I expressed it by way of jounalling, by screaming in my car while parked at a viewpoint overlooking the ocean, by ripping up 8 by 10 peaces of paper into a million llittle pieces. The key for me was to express it and release that energy so it did not cause an implosion onto myself. I encourage you to embrace what ever feelings are current for you; without judgement; and know you are feeling them as part of the healing path along the way to finding a new way to be. I welcome you. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

I just wanted to share that another source that works well for me is my nebulizer. I put essential oils into it with water and it emits a wonderful aroma that serves to calm the mind and heart. And the added benefit is that it also helps my cat Cheekeh, as he had chronic nasal discharge, a benign issue, but once I started using the nebulizer those issues all ceared up.... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, It was good to hear from you, thank you Sad. I am still here, still caring, still understanding, and will always listen. It is safe here. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Melina, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I encourage you to let go of your judgements when you feel "guilty, sad, angry, or any feeling" and try to allow them to just be and see what there is to learn about them by way of journalling perhaps. I encourage you to see the most important purpose for being is "you" It is OK and it is ALLOWED for you to do that which feeds your soul and warms your heart; the healing will fall into place as it may and it its time. Think of "you" your heart; your soul as the root of a big tree: then think on what would that tree need to grow so it can develop and grow; then give those things to yourself; and you'll see you have the power to be. I believe stress and exhaustion do exacerbate our grief and that is why it is so important to develop good stratgies to allieviate stress and ensure we are getting good sleep. My tools for this are guided imagery and here is their link www.healthjourneys.com should you care to have a look. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, It is good to hear from you. I am sorry again Kay; that had to be tough going through your last day of full time work there. Wow! Unemployment sounds like a nightmare! I hope it becomes a valid claim for you. When you are feeling your darkest: may the sun come out and shine and illuminate your way. I have Faith dear Kay; that this will not defeat you; for you are a person who perserveres and are resilient beyond measure. I don't see that changing for you now. Know I hold you in gentle thought and prayer. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear MFH, Thank you and after some more discussion with my lawyer I too now think it good the judge is taking some time. Just the same I'll be happiest when it is complete. Thank you for honoring my courage. Yes, Melissa was there; as she resides in my heart forever. I felt her presence quite strong. Thank you for your support of me. Dear Nicholas, Thank you so much! I encourage you too Nicholas! Do that which feeds your soul and the rest will fall into place. Dear Dwayne, Thank you so much. I feel so supported. I only hope that I am even a smidgeon of support and help to all of you. Blessings and Courage to all, Carol Ann

Dear JoeHunt, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear brother Tom. Thank you for sharing him with us. I am the only one left out of 6 children so I know the pain of loosing a sibling. I am very tired tonight as have had to give testimony in court today but saw your post and wanted you to know I see and heard your pain. Welcome here, sorry why you came here, but welcome. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ps: a beautiful poem.