sunstreet

Dear Shelley, I am so sorry to learn of Chelsea's ill health. My thoughts and prayers are with you dear Shelley. Took good gentle care. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Sad, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I have not been on this site for some time as I have needed to take care of some legal stuff, do some very deep work with my therapist and I have multiple health issues. I understand your pain more than you'll ever likely know. I understand and appreciate your need to do this your way. My only hope is that your way includes living.....even if you can't see the reasons to keep on living right now. Your pain is blinding you to life right now, it is still there, hope is still there, your pain has blinded you to them all for now. I lost my wife, my brother, and my sister all to suicide, I was raised in an alchoholic religious family, wraught with violence, neglect, and abuse in every form. I escaped all of that; faught my way and climbed through the darkness, and met my wife who then my family sexually assaulted as punishment for fleeing from them and being a lesbian, it was all to much for my wife to bear and she took her life on December 25, 2003, and once again found myself in despair, and by the grace of my God, and my insatiable thirst to always go towards the Light, I again climbed up out of the darkness and feel happiness again...when I too was once right where you are at now. I had to give up alchohol to accomplish it though otherwise I don't think I ever would have seen the Light ever again. I too only had the animals after my wife died; no friends; and no family so believe me when I say I hear you and I know what you are feeling. I made it and I am praying you make it too. Do you believe in a God? A Higher Power? Know that you have a wonderful array of caring people here who all have experienced loss and are walking along side you if you feel safe enough to let us. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Nicholas, I am sorry that your doctor has said this to you. Nicholas, it has only been just a few days shy of 5 months since Thanomsil died. I see you doing remarkably well in your path of grief. No-one can say what your journey should be it is not their loss. Frankly, I feel a little angry at your doctor. I am not a professional in the field of grief and loss by any stretch but I have experienced an awful lot of loss and what I can say for certain that from my experience you are moving in your grief. I do not experience you as wallowing....I see you experiencing normal feelings and doing normal behaviors after the loss of your son. I see you expressing your pain, getting out each day, dealing with the daily tasks of life, despite your pain. This is not wallowing in my opinion; this is healthy in my thinking. It makes sense to me that you are feeling sad and lonely, Thanomsil was not only your son, but your friend and you shared a home together. I say good for you for putting words to your pain with you doctor and shame on him for letting you down this way. I gave up long ago to fit into anyone elses idea of what my healing path should be or look like for I beat to my own drum. The only thing I can offer is to surround your self with like minded people and continue on your path of healing that I see you doing so brilliantly and courageously. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, I am relieved that if I made you cry that it was a "good" cry. I am equally as honored Shelley to have you as a friend...remember all feelings eventually dissipate just as the waves upon the shore. You can do it Shelley...I once was not aware of my own strengths too...you have many strengths Shelley....I know because you have survived....I encourge you to keep on your path of healing and bit by bit you'll discover it is safe to come out from within yourself now and discover all the opportunities that await you... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ****************************************** Dear Mary, Thank you so much and so sorry that I have needed to be away so long and I thank you and all of you for your understanding. Hoping all is well with you Mary. ****************************************** Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Dear Nats, Thank you so very much! I have needed to be away to do some personal work, health reasons, and complete a civil suit; that would not have been appropriate to share here in any of these forums. The civil suit should be coming to an end on May 29 and I should be more available on these forums. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, You are more than welcome Shelley. You are special and a valued member of the human race here and everywhere dear Shelley. I do understand, more than likely you are aware...and I have faith in you and your ability to weather your chosen path of healing and continue to blossom into all that you have a right to. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, Thank you so much and I am sorry that I am only thanking you now. I have needed to do some personal work that would not be appropriate to share on any of these forums so have not been on in a long time. You too Shelley are very special and a lot of people care for you and about you as well. I encourage you to continue on your path of healing. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

Thank you Kay, and it is good to be back, and I woke today with no fever and the sore throat is barely there now; so choosing self-care is always the way to go! Thank you Marty, that is exactly what I did---took care. I did go out and by myself some flowers and had fun arranging them. I am already planning to go to the island this coming Tuesday. Thank you Melina, hoping it is getting a little easier for you as time passes.. Thank you Becka, I agree what a wonderful way to put it "typeface" I love it too. Thank you Lainey, no didn't spoil my day at all, just mean't had to change my plans. Yes, it is good to be back. I've missed everyone. Thank you Rachel, I am already almost better! Thank you Shelley, you are dear friend to me too. I see your healing all over the place and it warms my heart and I am so PROUD of you. Thank you Nicholas, you are so very welcome and thank you for all you've given me. I had a great day yesterday and was suprised with some gifts by a far away friend. I did not get a very good sleep last night though so plan to head for a nap as soon as I post this. I celebrated yesterday and I felt so much joy it was palpable. Thank you everyone. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, Thank you for seeing that I too was in pain. I don't know if you noticed but I started this post in December 2010. I am no longer at that place in my healing journey Shelley. I don't have times any more when the pain is all consuming and seems unsurvivable. I allowed and welcomed my pain and then went about learning what I needed to do to heal and move through the pain. So rest your mind about me Shelley, I am ok. My life is peaceful now Shelley. I validate the shame that you feel and I understand it but I don't believe you deserve it at all my friend. I commend you for being able to reach out to me as you have and it has been nothing but a blessing for me. You did not add to my load, in fact you have helped me too, so I thank you. I consider you a dear friend as well. I think of you as amazing as well, consistently choosing a path that will lead you to healing and integration and reconciliation of all your loss so you too can feel this peace that I now feel. Shelley, I feel you and everyone here supporting, understanding and caring. That is what it is all about Shelley, reaching out, finding courage, sharing, breaking the silence, shedding Light upon the darkness so it can not take root and you are doing it my friend. Sending you (((( HUGS )))) too my friend. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Marty, Thanks for sharing this blog from Psych's Central and I resonate with this woman's thinking and I commend her for her courage in being "real". It is hard go against societal pressures and belief systems that for the most part look at pain and struggle as an "illness" which sadly add's to one's pain and struggle. I believe life is full of struggle and suffering, the only difference between us all; is the cause or root of that struggle and suffering. I also believe that struggle and suffering can give rise for pearls to be formed; but in my belief pearls can only be formed if we choose it to be so and welcome what life brings our way and look at it as opportunities for us to enahnce the process of pearls to be formed or not. I am often asked how can you smile, and I always reply because I chose to and because with the birth of each new day I am suffering less than the previous day. I recently shared something about my history with someone that if I looked at only what happened to me those times, surely I would have succumbed and no pearls would have been formed, but alongside what happened to me those times, something wonderful and amazing happened, a pair of wild wolves chose to be my guardian angels all those times in the woods all those years ago. I guess what I am trying to say is that with my experience of life so far it is full of struggle and suffering but it is in our power and only our power that joy can abide with us in abundance as well and the choice is our own. So thanks again Marty it seems perfect that I chose to read this blog today...so I see the joy in the fact that today I am not well and had to forgo my plans for my Birthday today....so I would read this today. It is all in how we choose to see our struggles and pain and what we choose to do in response to it. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

I have been feeling some overwhelmed with how to catch up with you all and respond to each and every post since my need to be away and not an active participant while I did some very deep intensive work in my healing journey. I then decided to make one post and speak to you all rather than try to respond to each and every post. If anyone feels left out or forgotten please do let me know as is not my intent at all. To all the new, I am so sorry for your loss, and want to welcome you here. You have found a wonderful caring, supportive and safe place with which to bare your soul and be heard, be welcomed, be understood, and feel you truly belong and have a right to your grief and healing on your own terms in ways that you need. To let you all know that don't know my wife chose suicide on December 25, 2003 and was the most devistating loss of my life. It took me a very long time to reach the healed place I am at now in regards to my wife's choice. I understand your pain because I have been there and I want to offer you all encouragement that healing is possible but it does not come on it's own, it requires hard work and a fearless look at all the scary places are mind does not want to go to to process those things, move through those things and as we do the pain becomes less and less this all consuming monster that feels unsurvivable to a type of pain we can carry and feel joy again and engage in life again. I hold you all in gentle thought and prayer as you learn to weather your own storms. To the old, thank you for your patience as I took the time I needed to attain even greater healing. I want to thank you all for helping me to have the courage to see me and then truly find the courage to heal. I hold all of you in gentle thought and prayer as well as you continue on this healing journey that in my experience can also bring us joy. Today is my Birthday and I was planning to head to the island today for a day of fun but I awoke with a fever and a sore throat so will just spend the day here at home taking care; so will postpone my trip to the island for another day. Thinking, caring and supporting you all. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Rachel, I am so sorry that you were beginnning to harbour some worry for me. Let me reassure you that I am well. I have needed to be away in order to do some intensive work with my treatment team in regards to my physical health and some intensive work with my therapist in regards to my emotional self. This work required all of my energy. So worry not Rachel, I am a peaceful warrior, shedding Light into the darkness at every opportunity, and am stronger now than ever before. My Melissa is beaming with love and pride for me and I rest knowing she is resting at even a deeper and authentic peace now. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Hello to all, I am doing very well and on a vacation week at present from work and have some time to come and say hello to everyone. To give you an update that I am doing well. I have been doing some very in depth personal work that has served to be such a catalyst for my growth and well-being and final acceptance of all the loss in my life. I lost a very dear friend recently that was difficult to accept but have worked through my loss of him now I feel. He gave me gifts that I did not even realize till after he had died. Sometimes we just can't see our blessings due to our pain. He was a resident at the long term care facility where I volunteer. He was ready to die and welcomed it, what a true treasure for me to have had the honor of his friendship. Anyhow, will be on again soon but just wanted to check in and say hello and let you all know that I hold you all in gentle thought, care, understanding and prayer. Until later ~ Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Becka, Thank you so very much....it feels good to know that I am missed. I have missed being here and you and everyone here. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, Thank you so very much and I am so sorry for the loss of your Father-in-law. I know that you two were very close.....take good care. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Niamh, I understand and offer you a ((((HUG)))) Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Shelley, I will celebrate and remember your Mother along with you on the 18th. I see all the work you are doing in your words. Good for you Shelley...I am just so proud. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Nicholas, Thinking of you and thank you for sharing another picture of Thanomsil with us. I continue to hold you in gentle thoughts and prayers. Thanomsil so loved and so blessed by his wonderful Father. Take good gentle care Nicholas. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Marty, As always thank you for this link and information. I appreciate you beyond words. Thank you for the wonderful works and blessings of you. Blessings and Courge, Carol Ann

Dear Grace, Thank you very much. I was a very good friend to Raymond as he was to me. I gave the eulogy at his funeral and it was my greatest pleasure to do so. Just yesterday I went to the facility, for others are mourning and missing Raymond too. You can pay a little money and have dinner with the residents and I did so and then I played the piano for our usual sing-a-long. I found myself tearing up missing Raymond's singing off key and smiles of encouragement for me as I played the piano. What I miss most is the quiet times that Raymond and I shared over a game of chess when neither of us spoke much but so much was said. I always let him win...and I think he knew it. I know that he and Melissa have met in heaven and what else warms my heart is that Raymond has also met my Grandmother. Raymond, was truly an inspiration and how lucky was I to have felt him in my life. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Thank you Nicholas, I do feel proud and blessed. I continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer. I feel at rest knowing that Raymond was ready and at peace to die and felt as he had had a "good long run" as he put it. Truly, and inspiration to behold. Thank you Marty, I too like to think that Melissa and Raymond have met and having some great converstaions now. Yes, they are both residing in my heart. I will miss Raymond beyond words but feel at peace because Raymond was at peace. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers so very much. I went by my favorite place by the water this morning as that is where I go to feed my soul and my spirit. I have no words written for I know the words will just come from my heart without struggle....and if I weep during...I will not judge myself for feeling and expressing myself, I will just let it be. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

My friend Raymond died on March 23, 2011. I am feeling extremely sad. I met Raymond at the long term care facility where I volunteer. We celebrated his 90th Birthday not that long ago. Raymond had a life fraught with tragedies and trauma and lived with cripling rheumatoid arthritis and had every understandable reason to be a bitter angry man. Raymond chose to be the opposite and was like a ray of sunshine and had a smile that could lift your spirit no matter how low you might be feeling. I received a call while working on March 23 telling me that Raymond was asking for me and could I come by after work even though it would be after 9pm to which I replied of course without hesitation. After hanging up from the call I found it hard to concentrate on my work and had an overwhelming sense I should go there sooner rather than later. I asked my manager if I could combine my breaks and go over and spend an hour with Raymond...now. To my delight my manager said go ahead. When I arrived Raymond looked at me and said " I am going to die today" I felt tears well up and I said not a word. Raymond asked if I could get his favorite song "Bluebird of Happiness" by John Charles Thomas playing and so of course I did and set it so it would just keep replaying. Then I sat by his bedside. Raymond asked if he could hold my hand and I offered him my hand. He said to me I want you to know that I love you like a daughter; you brought joy into my life; and before I met you I felt dead inside; and I came alive again because of you. I said to Raymond, that I loved him like a Father and that I felt blessed that our paths had crossed...Raymond interrupted me and said no; our paths came together. Raymond then said to me promise me that you will always go towards the Light; to which I replied; always and forever. Raymond then said, my life is complete and I am at peace. He then drew in a big breath and on the exhale he was gone. I miss him already. I felt such a kinship with him due to our respective life's fraught with tragedy and trauma and being all alone in the world. Sometimes when I would visit neither of us said a word out loud but so much was said. It was just that kind of a bond. His funeral is today and I will be giving the eulogy. I hope that I do a fine job and can get through without weeping till it is over and I home again. Rest in Peace Raymond. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Nicholas, Birthdays, Holidays, Anniversaries of special times, all these are so hard Nicholas as they are such poignant reminders of what we have lost. This year is the first year since all my losses that I am actually looking forward to my Birthday and am thinking on what I can do to celebrate. Oh Nicholas, it takes time, how much is an unknown, but just time and these dates will no longer feel like someone is placing a dagger right into your heart and then twisting it. I am so sorry for the pain your are in Nicholas. I am happy to learn that you allowed your feelings on your Birthday for when we keep it bottled up inside is when the pain just grows and grows, so good on you Nicholas that you allowed your self to cry. I am also happy that you met with a friend on your Birthday. Those are all good ways to cope Nicholas. Belated Birthday wishes Nicholas, even though it was most likely your most painful Birthday ever, I still want to acknowledge and celebrate the day of your birth. I will be thinking of you on April 2 as you go through Thanomsil's first Birthday after his death. My best advice is to not run or try to suppress your pain. A friend once said to me " healing is feeling" and I believe this to be so true. I know that you write well and is a passion of yours so maybe have some pen and paper on hand in case words just want to flow out of you. I encourage you to listen to your heart as it knows what your soul needs for nourishment and healing. I will light a candle for Thanomsil, in memory and in celebration of his life. In bed all day...weeping...is just fine if that is what it takes to get through Nicholas. I encourage you to just let your grief take the path it needs, and try to eat something, drink some water, and just treat yourself with tender loving care. I hold in you gentle thought and prayer. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Oh how your words capture what I felt for the longest time! Thank you for sharing! Now though when I wake, I am eager to continue to fulfill the dreams Melissa and I shared, and excited about the new ones that have been born. How blessed I feel to have moved beyond the place your words so truly describe! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

Dear Lainey, I would like to say Thank You to you! I have been blessed by your support and friendship. You are a blessing to all of us here too! Mary, I hold your daughter-in-law in prayer as she weather's her loss. Blessings and Courge, Carol Ann

Thank you for sharing your daughter's 18th with us! Wonderfully loving! What a wonderful blessing for you all! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann