DebFromLodi

I am so sorry you are hurting. But you are right that you were probably the closest person in your mom's life and she had to lash out at someone. You were there. Look for signs from her. She will let you know that she sorry, I know she will. I have not yet had any real signs from my mom, who died 7 months ago. But she will come to me someday when I need her most, as will your mom. Please be kind to yourself and don't take the things she said to heart. We could only imagine how she was feeling when she realized the end was near. I am sure she would not ever want to hurt you, she was just afraid and scared. I pray God will give you peace over this. Please please don't punish yourself. My heart is breaking for you.

Thank you leeann . I love this site, everyone helps me through.

I have one of my mom's cats. She is a sweetie. I always hope that my mom's spirit went inside the cat so that we can be close to each other. I know that sounds strange, but isn't it possible? Her spirit would always be with me that way.

Will it ever get better? Easier? Why can't I dream about her?

Sherry Thanks so much for writing to me. I will definately get the book and workbook. I need to get through all of this somehow. I am so sorry about your husband. I will pray for you to get through this. Again, thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my post.

The greatest man I never knew Lived just down the hall And everyday we said hello But never touched at all He was in his paper I was in my room How was I to know he thought I hung the moon The greatest man I never knew Came home late every night He never had too much to say Too much was on his mind I never really knew him And now it seems so sad Everything he gave to us took all he had Then the days turned into years And the memories to black and white He grew cold like an old winter wind Blowing across my life The greatest words I never heard I guess I'll never hear The man I thought could never die S'been dead almost a year He was good at business But there was business left to do He never said he loved me Guess he thought I knew These are the words to the song.

Actually my dad was an alcoholic. He was older than most people's dad's. Growing up, i remember him sitting at the kitchen table with his whiskey. He was never a father to any of us kids. But he was always there. When he died, I never really missed him since I never really had him in my life. But through the years I have missed what I should have had. Does that make sense? He was never bad to us kids. He just wasn't anything. I guess I never really knew him. My mom supported us kids since my dad retired. So, NO, I was not a daddy's girl. I wish I could have been because to this day, I don't know what it would be like to have a "father" like my friends had. There is a big void in my heart over this. I did love him and I do miss him. I feel sorry for my mom having to do it all for all of us, but she did it and never once complained. Growing up, I tried to replace the father I never had with the men in my life and made some bad choices. I guess I miss what it was that I never had. Ever hear the song "The greatest man I never knew"? That song tears me up inside. I just wish I would have taken the time to get to know him better. Now it is too late. But you can't really miss something you never had. Yet I do. I am not looking for sympathy, but it sure felt good to write this. Thanks to all for listening.

It is so strange to be without a mother and a father. My dad died 29 years ago today and my mom died on 2/2/08. So many memories and so many regrets. I just don't understand why people have to die. I miss my mom so very much and can't believe how much time has passed since my dad died. I am just kind of down today and needed to express my feelings. Thanks for listening.

Thank you so much for your replies. I did make it through yesterday and I did take flowers to her. I think she was watching down as I talked to her at the grave. This is the nicest place to come when I need to talk, thanks for helping me through this.

Today is the 2nd. It is a hard day, going to take her flowers later. Why do i feel so guilty? I feel guilty that I am living my life without her. It does not seem fair. Life has just gone forward and it doesn't seem like it should have. I can't explain these feelings, but they are not good ones. I mean, if I truly loved her, wouldn't my life have stopped the day her's did? I am not going to do anything stupid, that is not what I am getting at. It just does not feel right that I am going on day to day. Does that make sense?

Time is going by so quickly. I still remember Feb 2, 2008 when my mom passed away. I can't stop thinking about her, I just don't know how to go on. I wish I could go visit her in the convalescent hospital like I did so many mornings. I would walk in and her face would light up and she would say "HI!! I love you, I love you, I love you." Now I am left with only memories of her sweet voice and beatiful smile. When I am busy during the day, it is much better, of course. But I have so much time on my hands. I just started school at the Adult School. So for 2 hrs of every day during the week, I will have a break from thinking of her and missing her so desperately. My bedroom is upstairs, when I go to bed at night and look out the window, there is a street light far in the distance. It appears to be about where her house used to be. I say good night to that light every night and pray it is my mom watching down over me. I can't believe I will never see her again. And the cemetary where she is buried is a mess. They use a weed eater to clean around the headstones, which makes it all white and dead looking. Is there anything i can do to force them to make it look better? I can hardly stand to go there anymore. They don't even remove the dead flowers from the time i visited her before, no matter how long ago that was. I just needed to express my feelings, thanks for listening.

Thank you for writing this. I am going to find something that was my mom's right now.

I, too, miss my mom so much I can hardly stand it. I don't know how the rest of my family is dealing with it, but I hate bringing up the fact that I am having a hard time, for fear it will bring them down. I mainly just keep it inside and, since I am alone alot, I talk to my mom CONSTANTLY. I talk out loud. It has been 5 months since she has been gone but I don't think I will ever get through this. Some times it does not seem right that my life goes on without her. Guilt is setting in and I am having a hard time. This website is wonderful.

We are all here for you. You will never have to face it by yourself.

This morning, I got on my knees and asked my mom to please send me a sign that she is ok and in Heaven. Immediately after my prayer, today's date went through my head and I realized it was 5 months ago today that she died. Do you think that was a sign from her? I pray it was, I miss her so very much. I just want to know that she is OK and can hear me. That she is still by my side.

Feb 2, 2008 is the day i lost my mom. i can't believe it has been 4 months. At times it feels like it has been forever, then other times i wonder where the time has gone. How have i survived these 4 months without seeing her, touching her, hearing her sweet voice? i don't want to ever forget that day i was called to her side. She was non responsive, with an oxygen mask to keep her comfortable. She was like an angel lying there, so peaceful. No pain, thank God. Just like she was sleeping. Where normally she would be scratching constantly, they never could determine what the itching was from. That day, she was not itching for the first time in a long time. Just sleeping. They said she had an enlarged heart which was filling with fluids. Sometime between 11:30 and noon, she turned her head up toward Heaven and her breathing changed. The nurse came in and said she will take 2 or 3 more breaths, then she would leave us...and she did. Every night when i go to bed, i relive that day..over and over and over. My biggest regret is that i did not visit her the day before she died. I went to see her on the Thursday before, but skipped Friday. That hurts so much. I am so happy that the four of us kids were there with her when she left us. I am very glad i found this site because i do not want to bring my brothers and sister down by talking about her. i can come here and pour out my heart knowing there are people who care. My family is hurting as much as I and i don't want to hurt them anymore. I love you and miss you, Mom.

That is exactly the way i feel. I thought my mom would NEVER leave me. Now she is gone and i am so unhappy without her. I wonder if i will ever be happy again. If i will ever fee "normal" again.

OK this is stupid but of course i am feeling really down in the dumps because of Mother's Day i guess. Anyway, i got my hands and knees in the living room and asked God to please let my mom send me a sign that she was ok, i asked for a sign that i could not miss, stood up and a car went by outside, sounded like the fender was off and hitting the tire. it loudly went "bam bam bam" as he drove down the street. Really loud. was that a sign? this all happneed seconds after i got up off my knees praying. i asked for one i could not miss and that was so loud i couldn't have missed the noise. Maybe i am not seeing the signs because i am expecting something "mysterious"?

I have really had a hard time again lately. It has only been 3 months since i lost my mom and today is especially hard for me. i feel so empty and lonely inside. i don't want to bother my family with this, they are going through their own hell today. i keep looking for a sign from her but there is nothing there. just emptiness all around me. cold and dark. then i wonder again what happens when you die. do you go straight to Heaven or do you "sleep" till Christ comes and raised the dead? i believe that if my mom is in Heaven right now, she would definately send me a sign of sorts because she could see how much i am missing her. but there are no signs for me, not now not ever and i am so sad. so i am guessing she is just sleeping right now. i really need help to get through this day without my mom.. my first Mother's Day without my mom. I love you so much Mom. Please give me a sign today, please.

What are some of the other signs you have gotten? My mom has been gone for 3 months and i have not received any signs as of yet. i am so lonely without her and keep praying for anything, but nothing happens.

I am praying for you. It broke my heart to read what you wrote. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Yesterday was 3 months since I lost my mom and it is as fresh today as it was on February 2. I still cry in the mornings, that is when I would go see her in the hospital. Not every morning, but mornings were my time with her. I would go in before they brought her breakfast and visit. I normally brought a sandwich or leftovers from the night before and feed her. Then they brought her breakfast and I would feed that to her also. I always worried about her being hungry when I was not there. I have 2 brothers and a sister and we split the times we would visit her so she would not go a day without a visit from someone. Our family has always been close, but we sure got closer during this time. I remember the Thursday before she died, I went to see her she looked at me and said, excitedly: "HI!!!! I love you, I love you, I love you!! I'm hungry!!" Thank God I took her a meatloaf sandwich that day. She ate the whole thing plus her breakfast. I just wish I would have known that 2 days later, she would leave us. I did not visit her the next day, I knew my brother and sister were going and I took the day off. Then on Saturday my brother called to say the hospital called and she took a turn for the worse. She was non responsive and they had her on oxygen to keep her comfortable. I called the rest of my siblings and we all met there and stayed with her until she passed. It was about 5 hrs after we all arrived that she left us. I still relive those final moments. That is the first time I have seen someone die, I thank God she did not struggle in any way. But at night I see it over and over in my mind and it hurts so bad. I miss her every minute of every day and I wish she would just send me a sign to let me know that she is fine, I pray and pray but never get that sign. Please know that I am praying for you to get through this.

All the questions that i need answers for but i am not sure how to find them. i want to know what happens when someone dies. Do they go immediately to Heaven or do they just sleep until the second coming of Christ? i know it is stupid to wonder, but i need to know where my mom is right now. Can she see me? Can she hear me? Why does she not come to me in a special way? I have always believed in God and in Heaven, that is not my question. I just need to know what actually happens to our spirits when we die. I feel so lonely and can't help feeling that if my mom was actually in Heaven right now, she would see my pain and send me some sort of a sign. I feel like i am losing my mind at times. i can't believe i will never see her or touch her again. i have not even visited her grave yet. Still too fresh i think.

Today is my 56th birthday. This is the first year my mom has not sang Happy Birthday to me. My brothers and sister have called already, but i keep waiting for my mom to call and sing to me. I am hurting so bad, missing her sweet voice as she would every year sing to me. She has only been gone since 2-2-08. i don't want to tell my brothers or sister the pain i am in, i don't want to cause them more pain, so i came here to express my feelings. She was in a convalescent hospital for the past year and a half. Last year i went to see her on my birthday and said "hi mom. today is my birthday" and she just started singing happy birthday to me. i am reliving that song today and wishing i had taped her singing to me. i just honestly thought she was going to be around for a long time to come. i miss her so much. i wish for a sign from her today, a dream, anything to let me know she is ok. Please pray for me to receive a message from her, please. i need to hear from her. i keep praying but do not get a sign. Thank you.

How can i ever thank all of you for all your kind words? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was just asking God who I could talk to that would understand. i don't want to keep bothering my husband or my daughter or my family, as they are going through their own pain right now, when i remembered this place. And all the wonderful people who are helping me by talking to me. I just can't believe i will never, ever see her again or talk to her. my birthday is coming up on the 3rd of march and this will be the first year i will not blessed with hearing her sing happy birthday to me. i keep praying for a sign from God that she is ok, but i have not gotten one yet. If i only knew she was with God now, i would be ok. i would still miss her, but i think i could do this better. has anyone heard from their mom? Am i just missing it? all i can feel is emptiness. I remember the Thursday before she died, i visited her at the rest home. She looked up at me with the biggest smile and said "HI!!! I love you, i love you, i love you. I'm hungry." Thank God i took a sandwich that day and watched her eat it. I then fed her her real breakfast, made sure they took her to the bathroom and got her settled into bed. I kissed her goodbye, told her I love her and left. Two days later they called to say she took a turn for the worse. Five hrs later, she died with all of us there. Why did she have to leave? God i love her so much.

Every day i wake up and the hole in my chest just keeps getting bigger and bigger. i miss her so much i can't stand it. I feel numb i feel hurt i feel sadness. i don't know how to get through this. Crying doesn't even make me feel better. i keep thinking it will be better tomorrow, but it is worse the next day. i will never hold her again, never kiss her, never hear her sweet voice, what can i do? please help me. i don't know how to go on and i know people around me will get tired of this. i don't want to bother anyone or push anyone away but i can't bear this pain alone. i want to see her again. i miss her so much. someone please help me please.