mlg

I just want to thank everybody for all their hugs. It's kind of sad that people you've never met are the ones helping you get through things. I was doing fairly well until I came home for lunch and then the tears started again. I have grief support tonight so maybe that will help. Thanks again for the smily face hug, cyber hug, hug from heaven poem plain hugs and just plain kind words. Mary Linda

I am missing Tom so much tonight and really need a hug from heaven. After having my girls send me away on a pamper, weekend I get home and some comments were made by people that have really hurt my feelings. I am feeling like a total failure and hoping I didn't let my girls and Tom down all my life. He was the only person in my life who totally accepted me for what I am and I need his arms around me to tell me everything is going to be OK. I don't feel like I can call anybody because I don't want to bring them down too so I've just been sitting here crying most of the night. I finally decided if I came and wrote something that maybe just getting it out would make me feel better. I don't think these people ment to hurt me but they did just the same. I don't want people to tip toe around me but I'm still raw. Enough of my rambling. Hope everyone else is having a good night. Mary Linda

Dear megw, I am so sorry for you loss. You don't say if you are married or not so I don't know if you are going through this totally alone or not. I hope you have someone to give you some emotional support. If nothing else you have the people in this group. I usually post on the spousal forum but for some reason came to this today. Maybe it was just to lend a friendly ear to you. If it is any consolation, 2 years ago there was a couple from a small town near here that were killed in an accident 4th of July weekend. Like your parents everyone was in shock because they were EVERYWHERE together and went all over. The one thing that was said a lot that weekend was at least they were still together because it would be hard to imagine one without the other. They didn't have to wait because they flew to the Lord as a pair of angels. Good luck to you in the future. Mary Linda

Mike, I too am sorry that you are at this point in your life. It is somewhere none of us want to be. In Jan. I lost Tom just 2 1/2 weeks before our 37th anniversary so I can really empathize with you in that respect. I was "lucky" though that I only had a little over 4 month journey. What a remarkable woman she must have been to still put others first after all she had been through. I don't know if you find it comforting or not but the comment that most people say about missing Tom is his smile and it sounds like a lot of people will miss Janet's smile too. Hopefully that means that you and I had something to do with that. I find that quite comforting at times. The nice thing about this group is that you can come any time you want to 24/7. Maybe no one will post for a while but it helps me to just be able to put down the words. I don't know if the funeral home you used has an on line guestbook or not, but 6 mos later my girls and I are still writing to Tom on it. It's kind of like journally at certain points but later I'll be able to print it and read it (because sometimes my handwritting isn't too great). I can't tell you it's going to get better because at this point I'm still trying to get there but there are a lot of people in this group and others walking around who have "made" it and I'm sure at some point we will too. Again, welcome to the group and for whatever reason we were all meant to walk through this together. Mary Linda

Kelly, like Derek, I usually don't monitor this forum but I guess because of your name and the topic it drew me in. I had a niece Kelli who also lost her first born ( a little boy). I can only imagine what you are going through. You feel that life within you and then you don't and don't have anything externally to hold on to. Is there anyone in your community that you know that has also lost a child at birth? Maybe the two of you can "cling" to each other for a little moral support. Finding this website will be a God send to you, but because of your sleeplessness try not to get on it too much rithg before bed becasue working on a computer before bed is bad. Your brain is working hard to put all those little mega pixels together and it overstimulates you. Green tea is also like the milk and has a natural calming effect. The peaceful music is good too. Good luck and God bless. Mary Linda

I really hate to hear this. He recently autographed his book and sent us a copy for a benefit we are having in Nov. for pancreatic cancer reasearch. He certainly put up a valiant fight. Mary Linda

Oh Walt, do I know what you mean on some of these things. It has only been 6 mos for me but for some reason a couple weeks ago I was really beating myself about the last day. All our lives together I had tried to ALWAYS let Tom know how much I loved him. That last day I think he knew and was barely talking. He had a slight stroke and would get frustrated when people couldn't understand everything. The more he talked the better it sounded but I think he was just getting tired of trying. I tried to let him have some time to be alone with his thoughts but now I'm beating myself up that I didn't lay there all day next to him. Maybe then he would have said or done something to let me know he had to urinate and wouldn't have wet himself for the first and only time. I know that had to hurt his dignity. I think if I knew then what I know now I would never have left that bed and am so worried that he thought I was giving up on him. I just wish we all had a big crystal ball and could make our decisions by looking in to it. I know we don't though and I think most of us did the best we could do for our loved ones. That's why I always tell my girls to be sure to tell their families how much they love them because you never know when you won't have that opportunity. They loved their dad very much and were there every step of the way in his last 4 1/2 months. They too are having a hard time so I think that's why sometimes even with them I put on a "good" front. I'm sure Jeannie will always be in your heart but right now I have such a big hole I thing Tom slides right on through. Hopefully some day that will get better so I can hold him closer. Mary Linda

Jan I think you'll know when the time is right. I could put some of the things in the hall closet from the bathroom relatively quickly but for the most part all of his clothes are exactly where they were when he died 6 mos. ago. Since he died during basketball season and my grandsons have to get dressed up on game days I dry cleaned all of his ties and all the "boys"(sons in law included) took which ones they wanted. I also didn't feel bad about giving the t-shirts he had worn to work before he retired 5 years ago to a mission. He had worked for the local Medicine Shoppe as a delivery person so I am having a friend make teddy bears out of his Med. Shoppe shirts. The tummy will have his name and one arm will have the Med Shoppe logo. If you have a lot of ties I saw a thing where they made a table runner by basically cutting the ties in half and alternating the fat with the little. Someone else had covered their small lamp at the bedside by layering the tie "ends". That way you have something to remember him by. I hope this helped some. I can't say a whole lot because I am still too new to this but I know what I read from everyone that eventually you will feel comfortable with something that is written. Mary Linda

I see that Marty found the lyrics. Doesn't it pretty well say what we're all feeling? Last night was one of those nights that I just couldn't quit crying. LIke you Gail, I'd love to hear him snore again even though there were times I'd go sleep in the other room because it drove me crazy. Everybody keeps saying it will get easier but I still haven't found that. In fact there are days I feel it is worse than the days surrounding his death. Maybe I was just to numb them. Like I told my friend the other day though, I know we will make it because there are too many people in the same boat we are still walking around. We all just have to find new "sames". Mary Linda

Gail, it has only been 6 mos for me but it seems like a lifetime. I do have lots of happy memories but I wanted to make more. I miss all the simple things like him coming up behind me while I was at the sink and putting his arms around me or always teasing me about touching my feet because I can't stand anyone to touch them. I don't know if you have ever heard of Jamie O'Neal or not but she has a cd called Shiver and someone at our grief support brought it. The one song she played from it is called I'm still waiting and it is a tear jerker but pretty well says what most of us are thinking. I know you can get the words to songs on some of the websites. If you can't find it and want the words I'd be glad to get them and post it. I hope that I will be able to make it through the next year and be able to say I survived 18 mos just like you. There are days that I don't see how that could ever happen. I think if I didn't have these lonely nights it would be better. Good luck in going forward. Mary Linda.

Teny, I am new to this group so I really don't know your story and can only feel part of your pain but I am sorry that you seem to be in such a beautiful place and are so sad. They say that time heels all wounds but I too feel at times like it is getting worse instead of better. It's strange how you talk about looking at the night sky and filling with tears because this just happened to a friend of mine and myself at an outdoor muni opera. Neither of us mentioned it to the other until it was over. It's like we're all searching the sky for our special person. My daughter swears there is a certain star that winks at her every night. Maybe you can find your "special" star some time and get comfort from that. I do know that joining this group has helped because I know I can say anything and people understand. You don't have to put up a front here. Good luck in your search for happiness without your loved one. Keep your family close because that is one thing I know has helped me. Mary Linda

Thank you all for being here. Today was the first day I can say I was actually depressed. I have been sad a lot,but today was different. I did try using the blow dryer on his pillow and it did bring back some of the smell (it is the smell from his sweating head so it is actually him). I haven't changed the original pillow case in 6 mos. I just keep putting a clean one on top ot it. At first I was worried because I couldn't remember his voice but one of his good buddies happened to have saved a voicemail on his cell phone and he called until we got it just right on the answering machine so now I can play it whenever I want. It's funny that one of you mentioned his smile because that is what a lot of people remember the most about him. To let you know a little about him, he was the oldest of 12 chilren. I knew he was the one on our first "rain-soaked" date. My mother always said if there was a fault to our marriage it was that we both had too much of a mutual admiration. We had been married 2 weeks shy of our 37th anniversary and could pretty much finish each other sentences. He was kind and gentle, but was always worrying. In fact we laughed about what he'd do in heaven since he wouldn't have anything to worry about. He loved his family, including the dog even though he would deny that. This has been so hard because there were very few times that we weren't together. He was a great tease and would be yelling at his sister by now for mowing the yard too short. I hope I've done a good enough job keeping ours the way he liked it. From the beginning he said he wasn't afraid to die. He just didn't want to miss all the things the grandkids still had to do. If any of you want a neat idea when someone you love loses their special person. A friend of ours gave my daughters and I each an embroidered handkerchief so that we could take it to all those "special" occasions and he would be there. I used it at my granddaughter's First Communion so that he could still be a part of it. Thanks again for being here, understanding and listening. It is so nice to know that I don't have to put up a front. Mary Linda

I'm having kind of a hard time tonight because tomorrow will be the 6th month anniversary. I still don't understand why us and then I feel guilty, why not. We weren't any better than anyone else. There is a man who was diagnosed about 2 weeks after Tom with a very aggressive and rare lymphoma. He had strokes, clots and multiple other things and is still going. They just found more cancer but again he still seems to rebound. I'm happy for them but also jealous. I'm upset because his pillow is losing his smell. Someone suggested using a blow dryer on it to heat the material and possibly it would release more of him so I'm going to try that. I'm starting to get really tired again from lack of sleep and that seems to be when I get more emotional too. Well, I just had to have a little "pity party" and now I'm settling down again. Thanks for listening. Mary Linda

I wish I had known about this site before your anniversary. My anniversary 37 annivesary would have been 2 1/2 weeks after Tom died, the next week was Valentine's day and a week later my 60th b'day so I had a lot of firsts in the first month. That's beside the point, what I wanted to say is I hope your spa day went well. A friend of mine who lost her husb. 3 years ago would have celebrated her 25th anniv. on July 1st. She wanted to be by herself with her thoughts of Mark so she went to one of the gambling boats, rented a nice room and just chilled with her memories and gambled when she wanted to. She said it was very relaxing. I think sometimes we need to be alone with our thougts. I hope things go well for you. MLG

My friend sent me this site the other night and when I looked at it, it was like seeing my biography since Jan 18,2008. Even though my husband didn't die as suddenly as Lily's and Sherry's it was still way too quickly (4 1/2 months). My emotions, forgetfullness, helplessness are all so similar to all of you it is spooky. I know what you mean about crying on the inside while putting on a good front for everyone. I often feel like the tears will come streaming down my face even though I'm trying to put on a happy face. I've gotten to the place when people ask how I'm doing my answer is usually, "I put one foot in front of the other and go". Sometimes I'm not exactly sure where I'm going but I'm so afraid if I tell people how I really feel they will all stop coming up and talking with me. They won't want the "cry baby" around. I have a terrible time sleeping so maybe now I can at least get on here and type something and make myself feel better. Sometimes I go to the guest book from the funeral home we used and write a note to Tom which makes me feel better and I figure hardly anyone will ever see it. I guess I've said enough for my first time, but thank you for making me feel a little more "normal. Mary Linda