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In a way, it is like Valentine's day. It is the third Sat. of October and you just doing something special for your "sweetest" one. Someone said that it is just a Midwestern "holiday", but I always surprised him. A couple of years ago we had planned to have our picture taken out by the lake with the turning leaves. I had already packed a suitcase and had it in the back. After we had our pictures taken I turned the opposite way and he said what are you doing? I told him to sit back and enjoy the ride. I had made a puzzle out of the name of the place we were going and gave him a piece every so often for him to try to figure out. We rode bikes when we got there and took walks and looked at the lake. It was such a beautiful weekend and now I can't have that anymore and even though the memory is beautiful it makes me sad because I can't have it again.

It's been a hard day today. Today was Sweetest day and instead of planning something fun to do to surprise Tom, I had to take flowers to his grave. It shouldn't be this way. We should be growing old together. I don't think his tombstone is going to make it for his birthday either. I guess that's all right because it's going to be there for a long time. It's not that I don't want him to be happy but I'm selfish and want us to be happy together. I want this huge hole in my heart and my guts being ripped out to go away. I'm starting the not sleeping cycle again too.

If you google your dad/sister's name plus rose or whatever flower you like you may be lucky enough to find one named after them. I happened to find a Graham Thomas rose (my husband's name was Thomas Graham). It seems to be doing well and will always be my most precious flower.

Teny If you rally feel you can express yourself better in Greek there is a website that you can write what you want to say in Greek and have it translated into English. I know it would take a little more time to do this because then you would have to write the English here. It is http://babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_txt I feel you get your point across just fine though. Grief has no language boundaries.

It's funny that you posted this because someone had just told me about the widowsbond website and I had gotten on the site this weekend

Derek Even though we are from IL, Tom was always a Cowboys fan. So when I decided to have this benefit I'm having Nov. 1st I sent them a letter to see if they would be willing to donate anything. They sent a pennant autographed by the GM and coach. Now why wouldn't you get at least Tony Roma and/or Emmitt Smith to sign it so it would bring some money. Sorry Cowboys and I do appreciate the thought but come on. Maybe you'd like to buy a raffle ticket. HA!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe Wendy will get it fot a present for you, NOT

Marty, I forwarded this on to one of my friends. Now it is up to them to decide if they want to participate.

Barb, you did not hurt my feelings. I can only imagine what it would be like to move to a small town and then lose your husband. I know what it is like in small town USA when half the people are related and everyone is somebody's friend. Again, you did not upset me and don't worry about it. I hope that someday before you possibly move back to Texas that we might meet.

Rosemary, Have you checked with the local hospitals, especially their hospice programs to see if there is anything like this? Our girief support is through the hospital and now that most of us have been there 6 mos or more we are starting to venture out a little. We talk and sometimes cry at our meetings but have recently gone out to eat twice, some of us went to the Muni and now several are going to see the Capitol Steps. We too realize that we need some socialization but are glad when there are people to support us if we have a bad time along the way. You don't want to move to Central IL do you? I know that "Mrs Charley" would advise against it but as someone who has always lived here I think it is great. I know you say you want more than socialization but the Red Hat Society around here does a lot of the things you have mentioned and several of them are also widows. I hope one of these suggestions helps and if not maybe someone else will have a better idea. Good luck.

Oh liberty, how sad. A person can only take so much. I know that you will be there for your mom but hope that someone is there for you too. Try to take care of yourself and know that we are all praying for you.

Kim, How RUDE!!!!!!!!!! If he didn't want to see you again then fine and that probably would hurt and make you wonder, but he was just down right mean. I don't understand how people can do that. I worry about every word I say that someone will take it wrong. I even had a situation where someone heard part of a conversation and told someone something I didn't say and I worried about that. I can't imagine how imagine how anybody can be so cruel Needless to say you are much better without him. Don't let him get to you. Just remember that beauty is only skin deep. It is the person you are inside that counts. Have you moved yet? If not, maybe the "scenery" will be better there. Take care and know that we all love you here.

Wow, that is a lot to absorb. No wonder you are in the state you are in. Have you tried to start a dog grooming business down there? I know my town is relatively small too but we have several dog groomers. A couple of them work in conjunction with some of the vets. Maybe you could try that to help you financially. I hope you continue to write the letters to everyone. That is such a big step. I'm sure there isn't a hospital there but is there one close that has a grief support group. I'll tell you my group and this website are the only things that have maintained my sanity. Our group is not one of the structured ones which is good. It is for the most part spontaneous and if nothing is said then the moderator will take over and chose a topic. Do you attend a certain church? Are there things you could get involved in there? I hope you find at least some of the answers you are looking for.

You're welcome and I hope you bookmarked us now. This really is a wonderful place with very caring people.

I am so sorry that you have been treated this way. One thing does bother me though and that is you said you had not been comfortable here because someone said you were whining. I have always found these people to be so understanding and can't imagine any of us that are on here now doing that to you. That being put aside, I hope you feel better just getting some of these feelings out. It sounds like you are about ready to explode. I know that I had a situation that I was quite angry about for about 7 mos. and felt some of the same feelings you are feeling but finally decided that being so angry just made me an ugly person and I needed to quit it. I finally decided to take a deep breath and march forward. I decided the people who had been so "nasty" to me did not deserve to take my life away from me. I had always been a kind and caring person and they had made me hateful and ugly. Since that time some of these people have had the same thing done to them so it is kind of poetic justice. Have you gone to any kind of counseling to help you put this behind you? From the sound of things you aren't going to change any of these people, so if you can become more calm and finally be able to start anew maybe you would be happier. Writing the letters would be a good thing but like Annie said you may want to keep them for a while and re-read them before you send them. If you do this try to stay factual and don't bring hosility into it. Just tell them you don't understand why they are treating you this way. Then go on with your life, send them a card or letter or make a phone call just like you would have in the past and leave the rest up to them. If they don't eventually respond to you then it is their loss and they aren't worth wasting your time over. Keep posting here please so that you can "vent" (((( ))))

Have never used anything like this, but please be "safe". You never know what is on the other side of that email. It did work out for Wendy and Fred but they also knew a lot about each other from this site. Just, please, be careful

Teny I think it is marvelous that you even try to post on a site that is predominantly English speaking. I don't think I would even attempt to post on a Greek site. You do a wonderful job getting your thoughts across. Just keep it up.

Dear Aaronkatie, I am sorry you had to find our group because you had a loss but glad you did. Don't think that it is too late to get help and a lot of support here. The people are WONDERFUL. I'm not quite sure if you are now done cleaning out your fathers apartment but if not do you have friends that could help you? Do you need to sell the furniture? If not and none of your family needs or wants it what about hiring some nice high school boys that need community service for one of their school projects to pick up anything worthwhile and take it to a shelter, habitat for humanity RESTORE or even a consignment store (that way you'd get some money for it). That way you and your family won't tire yourselves so much. I know in our small town the football team did a lot of that kind of work when we had a tornado and then with an ice storm. They just loaded up their trucks and took stuff where it needed to go. I am glad you are finding some good memories and sorry that your brother opted not to come. As a nurse I have seen this so often and then down the road they wish they had a least said good-bye even if it was with hesitation. You can't undo it once it's over. I always encourage families to try to have a least some peace between them so there will not be regrets later. I hope you and your brother can make some peace also. Is he mad at you because you helped your dad or was your relationship strained before? Let him know that there is nothing in this world more important than family and if he doesn't accept that then it is his loss. By the way, your first post was fine and as you can see others of us ramble also. Another thing you might want to do is journal so that your thoughts are down and you can let your feelings out and noone has to know what they are.

Happy Birthday Kay, I hope the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day whereever you are. If you were here I'd take you out to lunch. I hope that things are a little better today than they were a couple of days ago.

You know there was a show on HGTV or TLC about a year ago that touched on this very matter. It was a show where they help people get rid of all their clutter and then redo the room for them so they have this huge yard sale. The one lady's dad made her promise she would keep this antique furniture in the family forever. It was not her taste, but she had promised her dad she would. They told her how unreasonable that was of her father and that if she kept it(it wasn't just a chest but a whole livingroom full of furniture) that she could actually build up resentment towards her father. They told her if she felt she had to, to keep one piece that she thought she could live with and use it. Otherwise she should get rid of it. She was very upset at first but then said she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Is it that you really don't like this chest or is it because it has your dead brother's name on it? If you really feel uncomfortable with it and have no use for it I would say get rid of it. There is always the option of asking the children of the man who made it if they would like it also. They may enjoy having something their dad made. Or can you have someone make a new area where the name is to totally change the looks of it and yet make it more to your taste. I don't know if any of this has helped but at least you know you aren't the only one who has gone through this. I hope you get other suggestions.

I don't know what your financial situation is but do you really have to do all this right now? Can things not sit tight for a month or so at least? You need time to grieve and take a breath before you try to tackle all of this. I know there are certain things you have to do, like pay bills but can the rest wait for a little bit? Maybe you could take a weekend away and have a nice supper (maybe share it with someone) and maybe a massage or if you like a sauna or hot tub. Men seem to think these things are just for women. There is also something called Reiki that helps some people get more "positive" energy flowing. I don't know if it available in your area or not. I hope you can find a little time for yourself and then come back and just do one task until it's done and take another break. If baby steps are too big then take it a minute at a time but I think you are pushing yourself way too hard and I think they are probably giant steps or bigger if you are honest with yourself. Good luck.

Rosemary, I am so sorry for your loss. I am just a little farther out than you, Tom died Jan 18th and I can't tell you that it's any better. Some days it is worse than the day he died. The last 10 days have been terrible for me. My mom had emergency open heart surgery and there have now been 8 deaths of people who have been relatively close to me. I have been to a lot of visitations since Tom's death but yesterday was the first funeral and it just sent all the memories flowing back. To top it all when traveling to the funeral I went by the motel where we spent our first night as husband and wife so it started before I even got there. Everyone here will tell you to just take baby steps at first. If you make it through a minute, then you can try an hour, then a day. But like yesterday, I had to start back over at baby steps. Kind of like the "Mother may I" game we used to play when we were kids. You may be too young to remember it but those in their late 50's and 60's will remember it. Don't expect too much of yourself. Just breathing somedays is an accomplishment. My work and this site have been my salvations as well as my grief support group. Hopefully these things could help you too. Let yourself cry when you need too. Even if it makes those around you uncomfortable you have to take the moment when you have it. Most of them think they understand but really have no clue. Everyone is different, even the people on this site, but if you keep reading and/or posting you will eventually feel a little better. Just posting to you helps me because I can say what I feel and it is a release for me. One time you'll post and know that you helped someone else get through a step of this horrible process and it will make you feel better at least for a while. Hang in there. We're here to catch you if you fall

Urizzle, I am so sorry for your losses but glad you found your way here. You don't mention your mom after the divorce. Is she still a part of your life and someone you can talk with? As far as your birthday goes have you thought about having an "unbirthday"? I know people who have their birthdays on Christmas and New Year's and felt short changed so they moved it to June 25th and July 1. Kind of a half birthday. Maybe if you did this for a while until you can get yourself some help that it would make you feel better. Just pick a random date and maybe have a few friends for a special dinner. Yes, the 20 something is all about drinking but maybe that isn't the best for you especially now because it could only add to your problems. I hope you find some solutions. Keep talking to us and maybe something will finally make you feel better.

I am so sorry for all that is going on in your life. That is enough stress for a whole town and you are doing it by yourself. Don't be so sure that your mom is as strong as you think. My girls thought that about me too but I was dying inside and still haven't recovered 8 1/2 mos later. Hang in there. Keep coming here to "vent". Sometimes just that can give you a breather. Stress tends to where us all out and makes us forget to take care of ourselves. I'm sure people have been telling you to eat and rest but that's easier said than done. Just make sure when you do eat it is healthy and rest while you can. You don't say if your brother is married or not but just support each other whether it is just you and your mom or another family too. When I lost my dad I thought it was the worst thing in the world until I lost my husband and that was a gazzillion times worse and I cannot even imagine, and I hope I never have to, what it would be like to lose a child. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like for you and your mom. Just know that the people here have lots of advice and ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) to give so come back often

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) Since I can't reach you I hope this will help. Just take time today on the 18th to do the things that will comfort you the most. I admire the fact that you take flowers the 2nd of every month. I can't even visit my husband's grave regularly because it upsets me so much. I have been able to go a little closer together the last couple of times. I used to do something special for him on the 6th of every month because we were married on the 6th. It may just be eating on the "good" dishes but always did something until 34 years ago when I had our daughter on the 6th and figured I couldn't top that. The last several years I had started it up again so I think if I went on a certain day it would make me feel worse. Just keep doing what you are doing and come here for help and hugs.

I'll tell you, I have had just about enough. My mom had the emergency open heart surgery, my brother in law is going to Mayo clinic for a second opinion on a thyroid nodule that is causing him to lose his voice, my friend Paul died, the guy who used to live across the alley died and then one who lived 2 doors from him died, my second cousin died, my brother's father in law died and it won't be a week since this all started until Thursday. I just want it to stop and I want Tom here with me to make it all better. I am really missing him and there is nobody here to talk to but the dog. Ihope it all stops before long because I don't know how much more I can take.