Maylissa

Dear babysmommy. What can I say that would possibly ease any of your pain?! This is a tragedy! My mind is running from wondering what legal recourse could you pursue, to just wanting to HELP you in some way! I know you definitely need a willing and empathetic ear, and THAT, for certain, I can give. and !!!! Where I live, I've heard of many such similar instances where horrible, spiteful people take their frustrations out on cats, more so than dogs, and there often is little that anyone in authority will do about it....unless it hits the news. Is there a newspaper you could contact to do a special piece on what happened ( w/o saying anything that could construed as slanderous, even if you KNOW in your heart that your neighbours are the culprits )? It's possible someone else saw something that could help lay charges against them. Or does your local H.S. have investigating officers who might be willing to look into it? (here, they most often won't, but every place is different) We even have a private, local no-kill shelter, run by one woman who is a dear friend of mine, who has had her neighbour trap a couple of her cats, luring them with bait into his yard, after which they simply disappeared, and there was nothing she could do except put safeguards in place all around her house so the cats can't escape. She worries constantly, as I always do. I never let my gal go anywhere outside our yard without me, and make sure everyone knows where she is, I'm not far behind....just in case anyone's thinking of any funny business. ( I also always made sure neither one of my kidlets ever damaged or soiled anything belonging to anyone else, just so there were no excuses anyone could use ). You might also try posting your story on the Lightning-Strike site (my apologies to Admin. if referrals aren't allowed, but this person need help quick! ), as there are tons of knowledgeable and like-minded people there who may have some better suggestions or experience with such tragedies. Were it me, I would be looking into every possible avenue to see if justice could be done, using my rage constructively so that it didn't eat me up alive inside. Do you have the collar, or would they possibly still be in possession of it ( this could be evidence of foul play )? Perhaps it's in their garbage? Or can you see a trap in their yard, or food they may have used? And for the feral cat, can you find a good-quality no-kill shelter around? ( some aren't as well-run as others and conditions might not be good enough, although it still might be better than certain death in a kill shelter, as ferals aren't usually pushed as adoptable ) As for your so-called friends, that's equally as horrible, although, sad to say, I'm not terribly surprised, as humans often fail animal-lovers in the most coldly-blatant ways. Those who have not been fortunate enough to have had wonderful, fulfilling relationships with other species just don't get it, period, and will often not only turn a blind eye, but may also attack one for loving animals....heaven forbid you should love them as much or even more than 'superior' humans! My own Mother scoffed, once, at my continuing grief for the loss of my furboy...but I'll tell you, she only dared do this once! I hung up on her and knowing what she wanted most was to talk to her only daughter, I wouldn't answer her calls for an entire month, until she knew there would be such consequence for her dishonouring of mine and my cat's bond. She never bothered me again about it, and in fact, would always make sure to ask after my furgirl's ( his sister ) health all the time. I would definitely be telling your friends, in a calm tone, but firmly, how their treatment of you in your grief has you feeling. If they can't or won't handle it, would you ever trust them again with your heart anyway? I feel for you, though, as you need support NOW, and to lose it from your friends is a shocking blow.....been there myself, so I know how it impacts your life. You could also hold a personalized memorial service for your dear Baby, to let him know you honour your bond. If you feel guilty, know that we all suffer from it usually, one way or another, just because we love them so much and want the best for them. You can't really blame yourself for not having HAD the thought of retaliation against HIM, in the first place. If it didn't occur to you, it just didn't. Now you know better and all you can do is do your best to learn from it, do your best to be more careful from now on. Truly, I can't imagine the horror I would be experiencing from such an event....my mind utterly recoils from the idea and I think I would feel like I was losing my mind. So just as many parents often take on causes, or fight in the court system, or whatever, when someone kills their children, I'd probably feel compelled to do the same sort of thing, to give my baby's tragic ending some good result, to counteract the evil that was done. It is just......devastatingly painful, and I wish I could wave my magic wand for you and make it all go away. And P.S. to Eliza - I'm equally as horrified for Tigger's murder!! I had no idea! My heart is just dripping with sympathy for you, too!! How you got over that, I have no clue.....

Babysmommy, Oh, you poor dear!!! And poor Baby! I will be posting to your plea for help shortly...I'm sorry but I have things I must take care of first, but I wanted you to at least know, for now, that you're in my heart and prayers, and I wish I could undo what has been done FOR you!

Elliza, Oh, that's a wonderful example of Winnie's spirit hanging around! ( I assume you got down on your knees and checked around there and found nothing ) I also hope, for your other kidlets, that you've explained to them what happened to Winnie, where she's 'gone', etc. They need to know this, as they weren't there to see her leave and it helps them understand, without fear, where their other companion is.....unless they've already heard you on the phone telling others what happened, but it's still worth reassuring them. You could also let them know that they might see or sense her spirit and they don't have to be afraid...in fact, you might enlist their help in letting YOU know when she's around ( since we humans aren't as good at this! ) I'm also pleased as punch that they're already helping you out. This is so common! And don't forget, even if they didn't spend as much time with Winnie as you did, they might still be sad that she's not there anymore, so may be seeking, as much as giving, support. It's usually a 2-way street, this love thing! Here's hoping you'll have much more to share about these love bonds, from all quarters, soon! When I have more time, I'll also share some of the ways my boy, Sabin, came through for me and his sister. It may give you more clues as to what to keep aware of. Peace be with you.

LisaF, Glad you've found this site, and I'm sorry you, too, lost your mom. I also wanted to suggest something else, too. There's a site for Motherless Daughters, which focuses on younger women who've lost their moms. (personally, I wish there was one for older women, too, as I don't qualify for this group! ) You might also give that a try. For your grief group,etc, why don't you try being very honest with these people and tell them that while you appreciate their sympathy about your divorce, your need right now is to focus on your mother's passing...because that came first and you haven't had a chance to work through it yet?

Eliza, I don't know if these are words of wisdom or not, but here goes anyway. When I lost my beloved furboy, over the ensuing months his sister really came into her own. While we had always had a strong connection, with the passing of her brother, this subtly changed and grew between us to a higher level. I also found she started doing some of the things that her brother had done, so much so at times, that I honestly wondered ( and hoped! ) if he was 'taking over' her body and mind for minutes at a time to get even MORE messages across to me, telling me he was alright. I've heard of other cats doing this, but certainly not all of them, and so I think it's a rather special thing that some of them can/will do this for us. Even if it had just been HER mimicking his behaviour and calls ( and BTW, their voices, although similar, weren't the same, so this blew me away ), what a special thing for her to do, to try to sound and act the same........just for her dear, old mom! So perhaps you could be watching your other kidlets for either signs from Winnie, or if nothing else, to see if they are trying to grow WITH you, and offer you something they'd never really had the chance to offer before. It may help open your heart to them and wonderous things may come of it. I just KNOW that my gal felt she was never ABLE to shine in her own right when her brother was here, both because he and I were so in sync with each other, and because he really was the leader and could also be very assertive about being or acting like numero uno. As I've mentioned before, had I not had my girl, I never would have survived this monumental loss, so I also believe now that everything happened in the exact order that it did for a purpose....that being mainly, that I never would have gotten to know how my girl was meant to be had she been the first one to leave. In retrospect, many things become clearer than what we can possibly see when we're so completely torn up with fresh grief. Even if your relationship with your other kidlets can never be the same as the one you had with Winnie, there may be treasures galore just waiting for you to help you through your grief, and who knows WHAT else?........

nash66, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Sammi-girl, but I'm so glad that you think of her as your child....and everyone says that losing a child is the hardest loss of all losses, so never feel like you have to explain yourself here about that. Many of us feel the same way, and know it can take a long time to greive for that kind of a loss. You also suffered a sudden loss, which contains its own challenges in the grief journey. The fact that you're having such a difficult time getting back on track with your life is fully understandable and normal when confronted with such devastation. If you don't feel up to things, try to just accept that in yourself as part of the process and don't allow anyone to shame you into not taking care of yourself by easing up on living for as long as you need to. It's not the end of the world if you have to postpone whatever is too difficult right now. Take that pressure off yourself and honour your grief and your love for Sammi by doing only what you must, and/or what you can handle. If it's any help, I couldn't and wouldn't go outside, except to get the mail, and to go out with my furboy's sister ( who grieved, too, just like Sammi's brother ), and even that was so terribly difficult, as the whole outside, the whole yard, all places around the house felt so impossibly empty without my boy, and he passed months before springtime, when we were able to get outside. I couldn't stand the sound of the Canada Geese honking their return, a return to spring and new life.....life my boy didn't have anymore. Even now, 5 years later, the sounds of spring still fill my heart with bittersweet memories and I usually find myself crying here and there every spring because it was my boy's utter enthusiasm to finally be able to get out and ROMP! that had formerly filled my heart with so much zest for life. His sister was the one who finally insisted we visit our old, usual haunts, and start to create new experiences and memories, that helped me begin to think about trying to live again, for HER sake, if not my own. But this even took her about a month beyond our first outing, as she would just sit in the backyard, morose and grieving for the most part. When she started to perk up, so did I, as she'd been so sick after her brother's death that I HAD to be ecstatic about her returning perkiness. I suffered though, for especially the first 2 years. What finally helped me move forward in my grief, was getting fed up with people telling me I SHOULD be getting better, then telling myself that MY grief was MY grief and I was going to give myself permission to feel whatever I was going to feel, day by day, for as long as it was going to take me, and too bad if someone else didn't like it! Now that I've also lost my Mother and one brother, I still use that coping skill/attitude to my advantage...it has served me well. Please feel free to talk as much as you LIKE here, about your grief, about all the love you and Sammi shared, about her ways. That's what these kinds of boards are for, so use them as you will! I send you prayers for yours and Petey's healing, and for Sammi's loving and boisterous spirit.

Eliza, You are so very welcome! It was the least I could do. You are such a wonderful, loving person yourself, and I can just picture what a fabulous mom you've been to your 3 furkids. They, too, are lucky to have had you to take good care of them and love them in the way they deserved....and they do deserve so much, sometimes more than we can seem to supply. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has experienced aniticipatory grief, and for the most part, I've done just what you did.....just focusing on the here-and-now and enjoying my girl as much as possible. After she started recovering somewhat, this was easier because, with her brother's absence, she really began to come into her own. She has actually enjoyed being an only cat, her love for her brother aside, and has surprised and delighted us in many ways with her emotional growth and wisdom. This was a very unexpected benefit of our loss, but one I wouldn't trade for anything. I rather considered it a gift from her brother and the Creator, and it helped me accept his passing as part of that bigger picture that I had no previous access to. Yes, I remember my heart feeling so raw I thought it might actually be bleeding, the anguish was so bad. ( my boy was 13, BTW, when he got cancer and passed within one month ) I suppose the one thing we learn from a first major loss, is that we CAN eventually get through it all......but the getting there can be so very difficult and draining, and I feel SO badly for you, being so physically alone in this. I'm very glad you at least have your mother around, with her open support to draw upon. My Mother had actually gotten suddenly fed-up with my continuing grief later on, which made everything much worse as I then had to defend myself...we did work it out somewhat later, but it was an extra stress to deal with. So it's good to hear your mom is of like mind and understands your pain. The more people we can find like that, the better! It's clear to me that our furkids come into our lives, in part to help us through difficult times we can't even foresee as ocurring, and then their great strength of character, their loving nature, truly shines and blesses us so that we can carry on and see another day. When thinking of the future, I try as best I can to convince myself I can do things at least as well as my kidlets have (they're such great teachers) and while I don't think I'm even on the same SCALE as them (!), I remember their lessons in fearlessness, enthusiasm and positivity, for example. Just as with people, what else are we to do with ourselves once they're 'gone'? I know my boy gave me some very timely advise now and then, heard suddenly as a male voice in my head, and not something I'D ever think on my own!, which got me through some of the worst parts of my grief. He also visited me and his sister through other senses like touch and, mainly, auditory communications. He has never stopped sending me signs of his love and concern and seems to truly know, just as he did when he was here, of the times when I REALLY need him around. His biggest and best lesson to me while he was still here, was that the mind is not limited to the body, without which I'd be SUNK today! I, too, started buying books on animals and their continuing life, as well as ones about humans, which included sections on animals. One of the best I found was by Scott S. Smith, called "The Soul of Your Pet - Evidence for the Survival of Animals After Death". There are also many newer ones by animal communicators that give accounts of passed animals chatting it up or even reincarnating to their people. Myself, I'd rather they just stay in Heaven, where they will be safe, and there to greet me when my time comes! I also found the most help came from discourses on grief upon losing a CHILD, as those were the same feelings I was experiencing, and the animal sections in most grief books didn't even come close by comparison. Thank-you, too, for your prayers and condolences.........and of course, the same back to you! You've also suffered many losses, none of which are easy to deal with. It must be a testament to your inner strength (even if you can't feel it right now) and certainly your love, to be able to give something of great value to others, when you're in such pain yourself. We'll be here, I'll be here, if you need to keep sharing, as most grieving people do. Bless you, Eliza, and may yours and your furbaby's angels surround you and keep you comforted in your great time of need. Furry Hugs, Maylissa .

Eliza, Although I can't really offer too much in the way of concrete help for your terrible loss, I can tell you that I understand where you're coming from. I lost my incredibly-cherished feline 'son' 5 years ago, and, like you, was thankfully left with his sister to care for. And care for her, I HAD to, as she developed (apparently quite common when our furbabies lose their mates, whether animal or human) chronic renal failure and became anorexic on top of it, she was grieving so hard, as hard as I was. For all of those 5 years, and counting, I've been experiencing anticipatory grief for HER. It only settled down somewhat after about the 3rd year, as we had passed the incorrect assumption by one vet of her expected time left with us, but has resumed full-force since I lost both my Mother and brother 1.5 years ago. Now all I can ever think of is losing my loved ones, and wonder constantly what the point of living is now. I can barely speak of my fear of my last baby leaving, I find it so terrifying a thought, and this despite having a husband who I assume would still be here with me! It's not the same in my mind, because I've always had the strongest connection to animals, more than humans, and also cannot even fathom adopting another furry soul ever again......the loss of them is just too much for me to deal with. I grieved, and still do, far more for the loss of my boy, than for anyone else in my life, including my dear Mother! That's just the way it is for me, although I've found other people now who have experienced the same thing....mainly on another site that is strictly for animal loss. I'd like to offer that site, too, as a resource for you, but am not sure if this is allowed publically here. The only thing I can imagine might help me out some when it's just me and my husband left is possibly some travel, as we chose to forsake any vacations because of the care required by BOTH of our kidlets in their mid-life, so haven't had a real vacation in about 15 years. I can imagine crying through most of the first one though, because of WHY I'd be on actual vacation. I don't know how I will ever sleep again, either, because for 18 years I've always had a furry, loving guy &/or gal letting me spoon them at bedtime, and my gal has made it a ritual, from the day her brother left us, to kiss me thoroughly before we drift off to sleep. Who could EVER take the place of THAT? And like you, and many others like us, my girl has seen me through many challenges in 18 years, especially my 3 losses. Without her, I never would have survived her brother's death. I truly feel for you and your situation and see you as me in the future. All I can suggest, other than that other site, is that you stay aware for any and all signs (After Death Communications, or ADC's) from your sweet and loving Winnie, so you can know she is still around you and trying to convey to you that she lives on, just not in physical form. My boy did this for both me and his sister, while my husband never felt or heard a thing because he didn't NEED to know this.....he already just believed it without proof. They know when we need them yet, just as they did when in form here. And if there happens to be a pet loss grief support group in your area, DO try attending! We, the grief-stricken for the loss of our furry family members, need all the help we can find, because it's still such a generally disenfranchised loss that society is slow to accept. And write more here if you like.....I would listen and respond!

Hello All, Although I lost my brother 1.5 years ago now, I've not had the chance to really deal with his death....and I'm almost afraid to even go there, even now. Our Mother died first, in Jan./04. Three weeks later, I was 'allowed' to fly back home and go through what was left of her clothes. Our father had had bad dementia for a long while and made this whole process almost impossible. My oldest brother ( of 2, with me the only daughter ), met me at our parents' house, to support me and guard me, should our father get violent or abusive. This was the brother I'd reconnected with, after many years of silence, when our Mother was hospitalized with a stroke. So for the previous 6 months, we'd been talking fairly regularly again, long distance, trying to get our Mother's need taken care of - a long story. Ultimately, her care suffered and she had a final, massive stroke. I still had many unresolved issues with this brother ( and don't even get me started on my other brother! ), but at least he was helping me out somewhat with our father. About 3.5 wks. later, just as I was about to reply to my brother's last email to me ( cryptically, and ironically titled "last email"! ), I got a call from his partner, who told me she'd had to take him to the hospital, with......a sudden stroke!, and that he was on full life-support and it didn't look good. He'd picked her up from work, then couldn't zipper up his coat and told her she'd better take him to the hospital.......anyone who knew my brother would know this was dead serious because he hated doctors and especially hospitals and avoided both as much as possible. However, this woman ( I'd never actually met her in person, though she'd been with him about 14 years; his 3rd 'wife' ), told me herself that she FIRST went somewhere to get some food to take with them before getting him to Emergency!!!!! By the time they arrived, he couldn't move at all and was rushed to ICU. He never regained consciousness, as far as she claimed, and she had them take him off life-support only 5 days later. He died Feb.29/04, about 2 months after our Mother. I never got to see him again, in hospital, as we had no income and had already scraped to get me back home those 3 weeks ago. So I also missed his funeral. Our Mother had never gotten a funeral or memorial, thanks to our dad. My brother's partner had already told me 6 months prior to this that she really wanted to leave my brother. After he died, among other horrible comments, she actually told me that God had answered her prayers, with getting him out of her life! I hate her instantly and only stayed in contact with her long enough to get some pictures from the funeral from her and their young son. It has been a nightmare, and this is only a tiny fraction of the whole story. Our remaining brother is a control freak and greedy, just like our father, so he's been not only no help, but is the largest part of the current problems now. The only thing he said to me about our brother's death was, " If he hadn't gone and died, at least I'd have some HELP now." He wasn't sorry to see either him nor our Mother go. I hate him, too, now. Our father is now in a home, and has had to be put under the Province's 'care', as this last brother never paid for his housing or needs, though he had Power Of Attorney for our father. It has been such a mess, I've still been trying to process just my Mom's death, and have had no outlet for my brother's death. The rest of my extended family has bailed on me, one of them even supporting this last brother, despite his lies, cheating and power-hungry ways....and I've been left out in the cold, with not even my Mother's sisters to talk to. I've been betrayed by them all, and don't even know where to begin with my brother's passing, there's so much past history and now this horrifying present. He was only 58 when he died and I've just turned 48. Although we had some big problems in the distant past, I was always closer to him as a sibling ( and really, only close to my Mom in the family in later years ), and we looked alike, had many of the same talents and interests, and I'd looked forward to trying to reestablish an improved relationship with him, to share memories of our Mom with.........now I have no one left. With their passings, I lost my entire family-of-origin and all but 1 or 2 ( the jury's still out on one of them ) relatives. My world has gotten so much smaller.

JCL and Tbear, Thanks to you both for listening AND responding...it always helps to have a willing ear and 'pen'. JCL, Yah, I understand that isolated feeling...even though we know there are many of us out here suffering the same things, somehow it still feels so lonely, doesn't it? It's that hole that we feel can't possibly be filled by anyone other than our loved one(s), which it true, as everyone's unique even though we're all connected. We miss their uniqueness. I wonder, if we could discover exactly what that "part" is that used to keep us hoping, would we be able to carry on better? It's like all life-giving energy has been sucked right out of us. I have a smidgeon of hope left, only because my life did contain some enthusiasm after about 3 years beyond the passing of my beloved furchild ( my cat ), although it wasn't ever quite the same as before I lost my 'innocence' regarding death's effects. But with my Mom and brother gone, too, it seems much less hopeful that I will be able to recreate that again.....OR it's going to be that much more depressed a return to that inner zest. And the only thing that gives me any optimism about it is that, like many others ( believe it or not....it's true for me, regardless ), losing my furchild was much worse than any other death so far.....just the same as losing a child, which he was to me. But there are different, yet no less impactful aspects surrounding each, unique loss, and maybe because I've had 3 different types of losses in 5 years, too many connected aspects of my life have been shot full of holes before I could deal with each one fully. And it's strange how these things are on these boards, but your mother's anniversary is the same as my Mother's birthday....Oct. 17, so a hard day for both of us. ( it was the last day I ever got to physically see my Mom, the year she died ) Tbear, Firstly, have you read the article by Marty here, on family differences in dealing with grief? I think it might help you to open up to them since you have that option with them. Although I really understand how painful it is having to sort through a parent's personal things, it was different for me, since our father not only had dementia, but had always been a very cruel, materialistic and greedy man. So when I went back to hopefully retrieve what he would allow me to take of my Mom's clothes ( and much of that was missing, too ), it was an exercise in fear and, of necessity, stealth, with much anger, loathing, disgust and other related negative feelings. I managed to take a couple of old photos of her, my not-yet-deceased brother and I got a few sibling-related items out ( like bronzed baby shoes, etc. ), my Mom's old cowbell from her family farm and a special rolling pin she'd wanted me to have...but little else. The bulk of the rest of the family photos were either sold or burned later by our father, and these are only the highlights of that part of my story. I eventually was able to buy back my Mother's china set from the stranger who bought it at his estate sale (which no one knew about until it was virtually too late to save anything much). I had dreams for months afterwards about being able to properly go through her precious things and take what should have come to me in the first place. I just received the last 4 older photos that I'm likely to ever get, from an aunt....the rest of the family either won't or can't be bothered to send me any THEY might have of my Mom, her family, or our family. This has caused me unending pain - our whole history seems lost forever, as I can't recall every photo there was. And with no family members willing to recall things about my Mom and her life, I have no more triggers for past events, in order to do that on my own. I only remember what I remember so far....and we all know how grief adversly affects one's memory! So, if nothing else, I hope you can, in contrast, ease the pain of having to go through your mom's things by knowing that some of us don't even get the choice of proper arrangements or division of sentimental articles which we might use later as vehicles to fond memories of our loved ones. Please, for your own sake, count it somehow as a blessing, even if that seems rather a weird concept. Even if this should be a normal, part-and-parcel task of someone's passing, and certainly nothing to celebrate, I'm not the only one who has been denied this honoured and relationship-acknowledging task. At the moment I was denied this, I also lost any 'status' I had as a child of my Mother - another dream lost, and another loss to grieve, that being my very own daughterhood. It was as if I had never even existed for anyone but my Mother, in my own family! You can't imagine ( or maybe you can? ) the utter rage that has been created inside me because of that one, singular act. !!!!!!! This won't sound right, so please forgive me in advance, but please try to take some comfort from my pain, just because you have been spared this kind of affront, if you know what I mean. I truly feel so sorry for the loss of your mother, especially since she WAS such a good mother, and can barely even imagine the extra anguish that brings, as my Mother was fabulous in some ways, but certainly not in others. Had she been too wonderful, I don't know WHAT I'd do now, as it seems to be for you. Luckily, or not, I'd already suffered tons of regrets throughout my entire life, about my family.....otherwise, I'm sure these deaths would have killed me outright. But there are no more chances now to make things even a little better between family members, and that is yet another dream dashed, too. Sigh.....it's all just so difficult to accept, even this long afterwards. Thanks for listening again.

I, too, have suffered the loss of all family and all old friends since my Mother and brother died 1.5 years ago now. Even some friends who'd also lost one of their parents years before, didn't support me much, if at all. One friend, who lost her own mother a few years ago, and who even told me losing a parent really "does a number on you", asked for my phone # again (via email) after she heard my Mom had died, as it had been lost... just never called anyway. I got tired of being the one to call others, begging for crumbs of support. None of these friends even sent condolence cards....not one. The most I got was one email.........very tacky, if you ask me! Aunts and a cousin who I'd grown up around stopped calling and my last brother has turned into the direct cause of my prolonged grief, he's made so much trouble with our parents' funds and our father's care and housing. My father always was THE Problem, so was already a lost cause. I've discovered just how much my Mom was the central glue holding immediate and extended family together.....too bad she'd never been given credit for her powerful role when she was alive. And I lost the only brother who was communicating with me to begin with. I've been searching, slowly, to find new and better friends, but w/o that shared history ( all the old ones knew my family, my Mother and brother ), it's not ever going to be the same, and so I also mourn that loss of what feels like my other lifetime. No, it sure isn't fair, or right, but if I've noticed anything on grief boards, it's that this is happening to the grieving all over the place! Feeling betrayed by those who'd been in our lives seems to be so common....I'm surprised a book hasn't been written about this yet! And sadly, despite trying so hard, through my intense grief, to really reach out to newer people who've also had losses, still hasn't netted me more than one really supportive friend, but THAT was through another grief board, and we don't even live in the same countries....so again, it's not the same thing; I may never even get the chance to meet her in person. I feel so bad for all of us here who are made to suffer these extra stresses and losses, when we're barely hanging on as it is, and unfortunately, don't have any answers for anyone, either. 1.5 years later, I'm still suffering with depression and stress-induced physical problems because of, not only all that, but because it brought up the huge question of " What IS the point of life then, anyway?" If no one cares about you or your loved ones, after an entire lifetime of living, what was the point in having lived that life in the first place? How can one go on with a question of such magnitude hanging over one's head every day? To feel like one is doomed to exist, survive, but not really have a zest for life anymore, and to live like an island, is frightening, to say the least. We DO have to learn to give and take on these kinds of boards, because it creates some purpose in our lives, and without a resurgence of sincere caring for each other in this sorry world, things can only get worse. Sorry for the depressing thoughts, everyone, but THAT is my current truth, my inner state, and if I can't share that here, there's no hope for me at all.

Hello...I am new to this particular site and these 2 articles really caught my attention. I lost my Mother, who was 84 and very ill for a long time, just over 1.5 yrs. ago, on Jan.2/04, and then suddenly lost my oldest brother, too, only 2 months later, on Feb.29/04. I relate, and then some, to almost all the points made in these articles, and glom onto anything and anyone who truly understands how much more complicated the loss of a parent can be, as even some who already lost one or both don't take everything into account if you grieve for longer than they did. My family situation went from already bad and strained to horrible and impossible, along with the sudden and secret loss of the family home and almost all personal contents, an illegal Will my last brother had our father draw up in his full-blown dementia and the theft of all of our parents' funds, leaving it up to the Province to step in and provide the funds and care for our father, just as had happened with my Mother. I also either lost or had to voluntarily give up relatives I'd had contact with, as they became either more abusive, non-supportive or completely selfish. There was no Memorial for my Mother, not even informally, and I had no funds left to attend my brother's funeral, which was scraped together on a dime. His wife had coldly said to me, as she laughed, "Well don't you think it's incredibly self-indulgent of you to be grieving your mother?" When I expressed shock at such a vile comment, she said, by way of 'explanation', that she was old anyway....as if that's all that mattered. She also later asked me if I was actually sad about my brother (her partner) dying, just because we hadn't spoken for many years ( a long story ) until our Mother was institutionalized for the past 6 months before her death. The hard lesson has been that I now am not so surprised ( although still galled ) at people's insensitivity at even the most naturally traumatic events in our lives. So thank-you for these articles that speak of some understanding still out there.