Maylissa

Karen, I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed...but I also have to say, you've got me beat by a county mile, I think! I'm so sorry for you, having to deal with so very much on your plate in such a short time. I had 2 losses w/i 2 months ( and one from 5 years previous that wasn't finished for me ) and lots of family catastrophe both before and especially after, but your story makes me breathless just reading about it! You certainly need some acknowledgement of the sheer amount of strain and grief you've gone through. Although you said you don't want to face everything, I do think counselling would be very beneficial for you, assuming you can find someone you're comfortable with ( sometimes you have to shop around, as in any consumer area ). For one, a counsellor could probably guide you to deal with only the parts that you could handle at one time. You might find that you'll want to grieve only one person at a time, which would make it more manageable, even if some of the losses are intertwined. This is what I've had to do in my own journey. I'd switch back and forth as I felt the need, but mainly focused on the bulk of one during any given period. A person can only take so much and there's no shame in setting priorities in grief work. I understand you might be fearing even going there, even starting to feel because it's so painful. but the longer you put it off entirely, the worse you're likely to end up and the harder it will ultimately be. You might ask yourself if you want to be feeling the way you are now for possibly 15 years, or less lengthy a time? If there's anything that's given me the courage to face some of my pain, it's the fear of feeling that incredibly terrible for longer than necessary! And so I allowed myself to plunge into it, as gently as I could, but letting in as much as I could safely handle at any given moment. Sometimes this was only a few seconds during the first few months, for the most intense feelings of pain. Gradually, I could sit in this for minutes at a time, then maybe a good part of a day if need be....but the intensity, the rawness gradually diminished and now I seem to be at the point ( except for the odd more-intense day on special dates or other odd times ) where there's a generalized sadness, more like an ache versus a stabbing pain. I'm still dealing with the grief, but it's not as sheer a hell as the first year was. I liken it to getting into cool or too-warm water. There are many ways, each individual, to finally getting one's entire body submerged - maybe first a toe, then up to the knees, or maybe one is the sort to prefer a full body plunge for a few seconds before jumping out again. But you just keep trying to get wet, until you're more comfortable with the water. If you don't learn to swim, or float, you'll drown. And while drowning might seem preferable, it's not a pleasant way to go, either. You've been through some mighty awful times, but as Sandy said, you've taken a positive step already and that's a good thing. So what did I do? Started private counselling pretty soon off ( they had to get me in pronto cuz I was feeling suicidal ), then went to a grief group, which didn't help me much at all ( just wasn't a very good group that time 'round ), read books and articles, started using these kinds of boards, tried to find friends who might help ( most didn't ), went back to counselling the second year, and will likely continue with some more come Jan. again. At this point I'm working more on building a better present and therefore future life, with my husband sometimes involved in the sessions, in order to try to ensure that. I'm still lonely, still don't have even one really good friend, have no family or relatives to support me ( other than my husband and his parents, who don't live here ) and am still battling demons and sorrow...but bleak as it sounds, I've made some progress, and I guess that's all that really counts.

Funnyface, Well, I don't mean this in a mean way, but just because you've seen misery in your career doesn't translate to grief in your own, personal life. In other words, I'm concerned that you would be thinking you should be somehow 'better' enough by now to not be worried about the upcoming holidays. Heavens!....it's only been less than 2 months for you! That's only a baby step, IF that, when it comes to the mourning period that's pretty usual for most people. There is an article that I think I accessed from this site that talks about 'doing well' in one's grief meaning, NOT that we're carrying on as if nothing of import happened, but that we're in a corner in the fetal position, crying our eyes out....and THAT'S doing well with and for our grief! It's a total misconception that we should 'get on' with our lives so easily and without going through a full, thorough 'cleansing', if you will, of ALL our emotions, as many times as it takes ( and that can be hundreds ), and for as long as we NEED to, never mind what society likes to try and believe about grief. I apologize if I came off rather strongly here, but if there's anything I've become adamant about, it's that people stop feeling guilty about their great love, which translates into great grief, when someone close to their heart passes. It's not healthy to feel guilty about loving someone that much. If you need to talk more about your feelings about the holidays, I'd be happy to be here for you. If you don't want to 'do' the holidays, then beg out, this year, maybe even more years, depending on what you really feel you can and cannot handle about the holidays. I'm going into my second year w/o my Mom and one brother, and I just have to accept that I don't feel the same way about holidays as I once was blessed with feeling. They're just emptier now and that's all there is to it...until and unless I gradually grow out of those feelings. It hurts, and there are things I can do to alleviate some of it, but I can't expect ANYTHING in particular. I consider it a sign of progress that I would RATHER not feel this way forever...but must allow that time and work at grieving will give me that answer, whatever it may end up being. You know, someone on another site just said to me that I should be "glad" that I at least have my own, tiny family for the holidays, as they are single. That just minimized my feelings of sadness and did nothing to help me....in fact, I was angry and put off by that comment. I SHOULDN'T be ANYTHING other than what and where I am right NOW. Period. And the same goes for you. Might I suggest that you respect yourself and your own feelings enough to look inside and do, or not do, just what you want. You could consider this a wise move towards getting through your grief in a shorter time than if you stifle and disregard your feelings, and thus unnecessarily prolong your mourning period. Your inner self truly knows best.

Dearest Lori, I've been worrying about you and Mia all along. I'm so incredibly sorry you haven't been able to find each other yet. You must be exhausted, with all the hard work you're putting into it, all the anticipatory grief and worry......I've kept praying for you every day, and frankly, I'm quite angry that Mothergod isn't helping you out more!! With all you're doing, you definitely DESERVE to find your sweet girl!! I wish I could be there right beside you to physically help out in the search. Did you get anything of use from the second communicator? I, too, have been thinking about the weather. I didn't realize she was so small - almost as small as my own girl. Although, just so you don't have ot feel as badly about it, size isn't as indicative as their basic constitution when it comes to the ability to feel warm. There are plenty of small feral cats, too, who do just fine. Your dedication and devotion to Mia is a most wonderful and loving thing and isn't something that will be overlooked, even should she not be recovered. But I'm still keeping in mind all those cats who weren't found for weeks and months. I feel your anxst and wish I could just wave my magic wand and have this all be happily resolved for you!! I know it must be so draining to keep up hope and keep searching, but at least you know in your heart you've been doing all that can reasonably be done to find your girl. You didn't give up, as so many do after an even shorter time, and that's to be highly commended. I will definitely keep up with the prayers and wish you the very best and highest luck possible! Keep us updated as you're able. We're all with you in this! ( I assume that's a picture of your dear Mia ~ she's beautiful. ) Much love, Maylissa

JCL, Yes, this is the concept I grapple with the most when my faith is faltering and this doubt is what contributes the most to any depression I suffer with. When I'm wondering if this earthly life is all there is ( despite any 'evidence' to the contrary that I've experienced ~ the harder-proof desiring part of my mind ), the whole idea of "what's the POINT then?" is brought to the surface, as in the question you posed. That's also when I start wondering if it's true that all the teachings and stories about continuing life were/are only designed by we humans so that we won't go insane with the pointlessness of life otherwise. How complete atheists cope I'll never know! That one question scares me so much that I have to force myself to stop thinking about it ASAP. I seem to be one of those people who needs experiential evidence to convince myself of anything. If it's not true for me, in my life, then it's just a lot of flowery words and nothing more. Which is why I say I'd be sunk if not for the ADC's I have had. Why I can still even have these moments of doubt and disbelief at times, I don't even understand, given the ADC's I've had. I drive myself crazy at times! I envy all of those who simply 'know' or can utterly believe, without proof, that they will be reunited.....while my mind can also say to itself that even if consciousness continues, that in itself doesn't guarantee that it will reunite with any other consciousness...only that it continues in some fashion. Sometimes I really wish I couldn't think so much! Any help for this kind of doubting, from anyone, would REALLY be appreciated!!...short of a simple blow to my head! LOL! ) Is this show the one with Jennifer Love Hewitt? ( we don't even have Cable yet so if it isn't, we might not get it ) How did you hear it's associated with Van Praagh?

Dear Mokie, Yes, I remember that, too. Sitting outside the first spring without my boy, on the log he sat on during a slightly warmer winter day after he'd first collapsed one morning. Sitting there, with his head straight ( he only tilted it when walking around ), trying to find a sniff in the cold air. A few days later, we took him out, all bundled up in one of his beds...to the lilac bush he loved so much, to the Kiwi vine ( that all cats like like catnip ), lifting his bed up so he could see over the fence and around his yard, out of a window on the second floor to look across the street to the tall grasses where we spent so much time playing hide and seek.....it was all so sad and my heart was crushing in my chest, cuz this time, he didn't have the strength to go out there himself....all in just a week's time....and he was barely interested in the outside world. That's when I knew for certain he would be leaving us soon. So I sat on that log in the spring, bawling my eyes out and not giving a damn if any of the neighbours heard me, while Nissa sat, barely moving herself, on a chair on the deck, not very interested either in all the spring smells and sounds. The sounds of returning Canada Geese, even now, makes my heart wither. It used to mark a happy, boisterous time of year, when Sabin would be bounding around ( he could be very dog-like ), wanting straight-away to be taken over to the tall grass to check everything out for himself. Off we'd go, through not yet melted snow and ice, him getting his paws all wet and cold, mincing through the slushy spots...then suddenly, having had enough of the nonsense that HE'D started, dashing back across the street, giving his Mom a heart-attack for fear of a car just as suddenly appearing, and we'd race back to the driveway...him all satisfied with himself for having gotten his way - the SABIN way - and me laughing in relief that no car had appeared and he'd won the race AGAIN. Oh, it's so hard....Sabin was only 13 and I'd always thought he'd be the one to live the longest. Yet here's Nissa, 18 and with a myriad of physical problems...yet she still plays, with me and my husband, each differently. He's had to take over the role of 'pesky brother', and she seems to love it. With me, we play different, more respectful games, if you will. No one ever suspected she was that age, as she's a very dainty 6 lbs. and really came into her own once her grief had passed, so she became much more boisterous and silly herself. People would think she was a kitten, even at age 15. But this last year things have gone downhill and I often wonder if I have more to do with that than anything else, having lost my Mom and brother and experiencing clinical depression this year. She's a real emotional sponge. So I'm now trying my darndest to feel better, for HER sake. It IS interesting that she perks up more when my husband gets home, because he doesn't carry the same emotional baggage I have from the grief and my background. Like Smokey, she's vocal ( some Siamese blood in their genes, we suspect ) and in fact, yells for any ol' excuse! We've been chatting up a storm around here, between the 3 of us, for all of these 18 years, and I just can't imagine how desolate it will be without her wonderful, loud voice. It's such an amusing dichotomy - this tiny girl, with this bigger than life voice! I just know I'm going to turn into one of those people who go around yammering away to themselves...and people will 'talk'. Either that, or I'll go pretty much mute, except for the constant crying. So yes, it's like everything was yesterday, and yet after a time, at the same time, strangely, it can feel like it's been forever, since you last held your beloved one. Time IS very fluid, and not static at all, when we're mourning. It's both comforting and horrible all at once. So you're right....even 50 years would be too short! I don't know that I'll ever be able to handle adopting another furkid afterwards....and yet at the same time, I can't imagine spending the rest of my days without anyone furry. I adore them so much! And yet the grief is so horrific. I'll probably become a foster-mom or something like that. The coward's way maybe, but it might be all I can muster. I CAN tell you though, that at some undetermined point, you will be able to think of things Smokey did that made you happy, without having to feel all of that heaviness of grief. Sometimes it will be bittersweet, sometimes you'll actually be able to stay in the warmth and laughter, without the sadness. And if you haven't already read some of the posts here about our ADC's from our beloveds, it might help you to take a gander at them, if you're ready, as often these signs of their continuing presence in our lives happen within the first few days and months of their transitions. The yearning for them is indescibable...but so is the love you shared, which never dies. I still hope you'll keep coming back here, as it's so helpful to talk about these things with others who care deeply...and we do.

Thank-you, Marty, for your prompt response and for adding some reasoned approaches to the subject at hand. I, for one, have received nothing but comfort from these messages from my loved ones and have never been frightened by them in the least. I can't even imagine any of my loved ones sending me a message in a form that they knew might scare me....they love me and know me, so I believe they would consider that first. They have all brought me a superior form of comfort that couldn't have been achieved through any other means, short of maybe having an NDE myself and returning with absolute knowingness of how things really work, or can work. I find the sharing of them to be a great way to firm up my beliefs. Without having received these messages of continued closeness of spirit, I simply could not have 'moved on' in my life whatsoever, so they became a key factor in my progress through grief. I don't personally agree, though, with the idea that whether they're real or not isn't important.....as it IS, to ME. To MY mind, it provides more examples of what's really possible, what really ocurrs after death of the body, etc. and so gives me that vital sense of hope and possibility we all seem to need in order to live. So for me, it would crush me forever if I believed such things were nothing more than tricks of the mind to provide (a false) comfort that my loved ones are okay and waiting for me. For those so interested, I've also seen excerpts from a few books on the market , most from authors who have theological backgrounds or training, that fully support the theory that the spirit lives on and can 'visit', and that this happened even in Biblical times, evidence of which is drawn directly from scripture, AND that ALL creatures who ever lived also have souls and the same abilities. While I haven't read these books (yet!), I'm happy that someone made the effort to address these issues that are so important to many of us.

Skyebean, Your words are so eloquent, I can hardly match them in a reply...also because your story has my eyes crying and my heart renching with sympathy and kinship. I'm so satisfied to hear that you spared no expense for your dear girl, Akasha, as that's so rare, but we've done it, too, for our kidlets. It is a wonderful thing though, that you made the most of every moment with her, something I didn't do as consistently as I should have, until we lost our furboy. I learned very quickly then to practise this as much as possible with our girl, and yes, it is a blessing. I honestly can't write anything more at present, as it still tears me apart to read about each and every treasured furchild that is lost. I do hope, though, that you'll keep coming back to receive support and understanding for your loss...and maybe I can do better for a response next time.

Mokie, I apologize for it taking me a couple of days to respond to your posting - just had other things that had to get taken care of....and responding to your loss is hard for me, as your Smokey's life sounds like a precursor to my Nissa's, who is coming up 19, has CRF too, is possibly hyperthyroid, or beginning to be and was also adopted from a humane society when she was about the same age ( 9wks. estimated ). ( She's also had and still has some other problems that are different from Smokey's. ) As well, her brother, Sabin, passed away almost 6 yrs ago and HE had a head tilt when he first became ill, too....and we thought it was a stroke, but it turned out to be cancer. Reading of your loss and anguish takes me right back to when we lost Sabin, and also to my continuing anticipatory grief about my girl. So I truly understand, possibly even in more ways than you might guess, how utterly devastating such a loss is. I have been saying the same thing as you for all of these 19 years now.....my kidlets are my life, and always were, even before the daily care and management of various illnesses came into the picture...and that, I think, only cements that bond even more, as we then feel more and more responsible for their health and well-being. To watch that erode, whether slowly or quickly, is one of the most painful things about being their caretakers and 'parents.' I know all about the extra TLC, too, as first Sabin required it and now Nissa, ever since her brother left. I've always gone the extra mile for each of them, and the more I learn, the more I do. Although it might not be the healthiest thing, I know I've become enmeshed in their lives this way, but I don't care. This is what we do for our loved ones, no matter who or what they are. Now you've got the equally difficult task of having to change your role somewhat, putting more of your effort into your other furkids' care, but probably meaning a complete change of schedule and details....losing part of your role as a mom. Not an easy thing, I know. I have played that head game myself, wondering HOW it was going to happen. Now I can't even go there anymore, because it's too painful and cannot be predicted anyway. I only hope it isn't anything really gruesome for my girl, or something that makes her suffer unduly. I used to naively imagine that both my kids would just 'get old', never realizing how many things can suddenly go wrong, leaving you unprepared and unknowledgeable when you feel you can't afford to be lacking in resources. In the end, it can be something quite shocking and it really messes with your head and heart to have to face whatever it is. If it helps, I wanted to just die, too, after Sabin crossed, for over 2 years ( I tend to heal slowly from grief ), but of course I had his sister still and wouldn't have left her for anything, either. So I had to just go through the tortuous pain. I'm now terrified of having to go through it again, but worse, in the sense of having lived even longer with my Nis'.......so for you, after 22 long years......oh, I can imagine, but don't want to! That's longer than alot of marriages last nowadays, to put it in perspective for anyone who doesn't automatically 'get it'. I'm also sorry for you that Smokey didn't make it to Christmas, but then if she had, and gone shortly after that, that probably would have ruined future Christmases anyway. Ultimately, it doesn't matter when, really....it's never a 'good' time to lose someone you love so much and shared so much of your life with. I'm so completely sorry for the loss of your Smokey and can only hope that by continuing to share and read here, you will find, if not exactly comfort, then caring hearts to walk with you during this terrible time.

Dear NeedToWrite, Sigh....what to say? I don't even know if you'll be checking for replies, as you've done what you set out to do - just write about your life story and its seemingly senseless tragedy. But I feel a dire need to respond anyway, as I was completely transfixed with each step of your journey. While I have my own tragedies to try and make sense out of, or just cope with as best I can, I'm still sensitive to your losses...maybe one of only very few 'positive' notes that come from the harshness for too many of us from this life on earth. Having lived with a dedicated atheist in my first marriage, I don't wish to even touch on the subject of meaning of life's challenges with you, as I know how aggravating that seems to those without some kind of belief system. So my response must be limited because I would respect your views. And so, I can only tell you that my heart wishes, as it does for anyone who is hurting so badly, for some kind of healing for you, although I'm sure it's going to be a very long road, if you can continue to travel it at all. However, I do think you've taken the first step already, even if it doesn't feel like it to you. You are obviously a wonderfully sensitive and deep man and because of that, I'd hate to see you spiral ever downwards, forever lost to this world. I believe there aren't yet enough people with such depth to begin with, which makes the present loss of your 'spark', so to speak, feel like a tragedy and a shameful loss all by itself, to me. I won't tell you that you were lucky or fortunate to have experienced such great love at all in your life, because, although I see the benefit to it, I'm not even sure myself whether having loved and lost is indeed a better thing or not. Having experienced both ends of the spectrum, and having to live with the pain of losing great love at some seemingly arbitrary point, just leaves me thinking neither 'system' is fair.....despite having retrospectively looked back to some events years later, or sometimes only months later, and seeing what appears to be good enough reasons in the bigger picture to explain the 'why's' at the time of those events. Death of loved ones, however, remains mostly a mystery to me, as I'm sure it does to all but the sagest of us. And at that point, all I can offer is my sincere sympathy in the sudden and terrible loss of your Christine, shining light in all of your lives that she was. I'm truly sorry....

Lori, Will do!! Did you get a chance to read over those websites I listed? I've printed them all out myself, for future reference, as the information and methods of searching are so new and effective. Did you notice that there were several instances mentioned of cats being found WEEKS later, after people employed that site's methods? Have you gotten a trap to set in your yard yet? or checked back with the communicator? ( since she may have moved even minutes after your first communication ) And are you using the 'homing meditation' method from the other site every day? (((((((((((((((((I'm still hoping and praying for you and Mia!!!)))))))))) Don't give up on her yet!!

Starkiss, Oh, how dreadful for you! Do you know where you'll be going to, or have they left you with no time to find a place? Why families do such horrid things to each other I will never understand. The only possibly-hopeful thing I can think of in your situation is that perhaps a change of locale will eventually help you get a new focus or perspective on the rest of your life. I do know that for me, even being in my own house for too long, without a 'break' in the world at large tends to make me more depressed. I'm really hoping the same might apply to you, although I'm quite sure at first this will just be another shock to have to live through. I'm so sorry.

Welcome, Joani, You really sound like you have your head on straight, grief aside. Do you mind if I ask when your mother passed? I wish I could have had the opportunity to do what you did in the last few years of my Mom's life here....although I know I would have had to face far worse decisions than I did, because had I seen the way she was likely living, and the conditions of same, I don't know how I could have ever left her house without intense feelings of guilt. Yet at the same time, I couldn't have changed much except for being a maid and nurse of sorts. For me, I still would have had to contend with my abusive father, trying to disrupt everything, making me live the life I said "no more" to, so many years ago. I know I'll always regret not having the magical powers to make my Mom's life better at home, but that's just a pipe dream, I know. But at the same time, I think I've been spared more agony by not having that much more taken away from me with her passing. If I feel as bad as I do now, I can barely imagine how much worse I'd feel if I'd had even more of a renewed relationship with her, and then it was gone. Oh, I don't think we can 'win' no matter which way things were between us and our mothers!! So many of us have regrets, and unfulfilled hopes and dreams in our mother-daughter relationships...and when they're gone we've 'lost' everything we either had, or didn't have and wanted with all our hearts. I'll always wonder, too, whether being there to actually see my Mom die would have been far harder to deal with than not making it back in time and having my last memory of her be a more pleasant one. I think most of us want it both ways. It's good that you're reaching out if you need support, as that's why most of us are here. There IS support to be gained from both sharing and sometimes giving whatever you can, although I think one gets more, the more one shares....must be another example of giving and receiving being the same thing. Glad to have you aboard!

Shakita, I share a lot of your feelings, as I lost everything, too, once my Mother, then oldest brother died, w/i 2 months of each other, and most of the loss was due to my Mom's death. I also lost my childhood home with the sudden and secret sale of it by my father, plus all the contents. I was only able to get some of my Mom's clothes and a few small pieces, and had to buy her china set back from the woman who bought it ( a long story ). My last brother has stolen everything else that was left over, plus our parents' funds. My father is also a lost cause ( always was - he's the reason for most of this loss ) and I no longer speak to my last brother after what he's done to me, to my Mom's legacy and her honour. He also has her ashes so I have nowhere to 'visit' should I return home. The entire family was lost with my Mom, including my relatives, who've abandoned me ever since, so she was the glue, too, like yours. My father, although he never got the chance before he was placed in a home only weeks after, WOULD have started trying to find a replacement for my Mom. He joked ( not that I or my dead brother found it in the least bit funny! ) that I wasn't leaving enough clothes for him to give to his girlfriends! I almost threw up! So I don't 'belong' anywhere now, either. All I've got, but I'm thankful I at least have that, is my own tiny family, and the relationship I know I had with my Mother. I'll never be the same person again, either. None of us will, if we lost someone we loved dearly. Loss changes us, with some things eventually gained and some perhaps lost, within. We're not truly completely lost if we have even one person left who we mean something to, but it's not easy, either, giving up our past, our history, part of our future and having to create a new future from the rubble. The hurt, for most of us, never ends entirely, as we always have that 'hole' that made up part of who we were/are, but the intense pain does subside with enough griefwork - it's not time itself that does it, it's the work we do as time passes. I hope you'll continue to share here, as we can all use each other to bounce our journey off of.

Lori, I just Googled for lost and missing animal communicators, and this very useful site came up: http://www.katberard.com/com_lost.htm I've added something since I first posted this to you this morning, so read on! Also, be sure to read all articles on missing cats from this link from the above site (VERY useful, and it depends on whether Mia was an outdoor or indoor cat normally! ): http://www.lostapet.org/missing_cat1.shtml This is Page 2 of the 2-page article on missing cats - check them both out, plus "How to Make a Lost Cat Sign" properly. While she's not doing this herself at the moment, she lists a bunch of others who are, along with their email or websites. She also has a section on the whole process ( and what to expect, or not ) as well as some 'homing' exercises, etc. that you can also include on your own, to help them get back home. Carol Gurney is another one known for her work with lost animals, but I'm not sure if she or her assistants are speedy enough or not, as they must receive payment first. Just thought I should pass this on to you, as this particular site is a wealth of information about missing animals. Still thinking about you and Mia, still praying for you both!

miakittymeow/Lori, I'm so glad the communicator has been of some help. Don't give up!! At least you've now acted upon your new-found knowledge. I'm praying daily for you to be reunited with Mia. Is there anyone else you can enlist the aid of in searching for her? The more ears and eyes the better! Make sure you canvas that aptmnt. block, too, as maybe someone's seen her. But don't limit your search to what seems to fit that description, either, as there may be more than once place that also has the same 'scenery'. I've heard of other people making that mistake, or being SO close, like within 100ft. of the location, but not looking in just one adjacent area until later, where they then found their animal. Did the communicator tell Mia to do anything to help her find you as well? I know there are several of them who are known for tracking lost animals, so you might even consider trying another one as well if you can't find her soon....or checking back with the one you already used. We're all rooting for you and Mia ( I'm SURE! ), so keep up the good search! If we all pray hard, maybe we can help her get back to where she belongs!!

Oh, Mary, I'm truly so sorry for your huge losses and for the fact that they both fell so close to Christmas! I know of one other family where the same thing happened, and have heard of far too many others facing the same situation. But your new rituals are so lovely, and they reminded me, too, of something I've begun since my own losses ( early Jan., early and late Feb. ). Last year we attended a Memorial Candlelight Service hosted by a local funeral home, as I had to do something in lieu of the proper Memorial my Mother never got. It was actually very lovely ( though I cried throughout ), with a wonderful female soloist singing the odd carol, and strictly voluntary participation from the attendees. At the end, they offered a 'picking' of the 2 trees they had set up, which were all adorned with cut-glass angels. Since between me and my husband, we had had 5 losses that year, plus our furbaby a few years previous, they allowed, even encouraged us, to take as many as we felt we needed, so we took our 6 angels. I now place one right beside favourite ornaments that either represent or were given to me by my loved ones, and hang the others around the room incorporated into other decorations ( for my husband's losses ). It really does help to feel like you're still doing something for your loved ones, and for yourself. I'm glad you're looking forward, in some way, to being able to share in making memories with the rest of your family this year. That's so special and I'm sure it will serve you well whenever you're feeling lonely at other times, or even during the holidays. We all need something to be able to look forward to. Thanks for sharing this.

Kay-Kay, That is so tragic when daughters lose their mothers so early in life! My heart goes out to you in your terrible struggle. Have you ever looked up the "Motherless Daughters" group on the web? It focuses on those who lost their moms at a younger age, and is supposed to be quite a good resource. I would have tried it myself, but I don't really 'qualify' as I'm too 'old'! [it's not fair! :-) ] I can't even imagine going through that much of my life without my Mom....it's bad enough now. ( and my goodness, I just realized you lost your mom just when I was being born to mine! ) On one hand, we older daughters have that many more memories and history with our moms to miss, but at least we have that, whereas you didn't even get the chance to build that up together. I'm so sorry for you. The fact that you've done as well for yourself as you have speaks to a great inner resource within yourself, which has now brought you to seek more help for yourself, so pat yourself on the back for that! You could also try some of the 'teens' forums, since you're still in that age bracket, unless you're really looking for more ( so-called? ) 'wisdom' from those of us who are more seasoned, shall we say? And if you've never considered counselling, that could be another good option for you as well. As I can't relate as well as others in the same boat, that's about all I can offer right now. However, you should know I've read about the same kind of unresolved feeling from other young women which is why I think that first group would be able to help you so much. May you be divinely-guided to just what you need!

Dester, Oh, I don't consider it 'harping' at all! I'm glad to be able to discuss these problems with an understanding ear. Yah, I know all about that. Went to Al-Anon ( 3 different groups, even ), many A.A. meetings as well ( to learn more mainly, and me and my now-husband even took my Mom to a couple, but it didn't 'take' - she was drunk when we went each time, so I let her be ), then a few years later CODA, which I found even more helpful than Al-Anon. What I was saying was that, in childhood, and until I learned about alcoholism and its effects in the family, I played that role she'd assigned me, though I didn't know what I was doing then. You're right, of course, that this was playing 'parent'. I became the "fixer" and the "feeler" in the family. But later, in the rehab., I was TRULY playing the parent, with our roles really reversed due to her illness, as usually happens when parents get old and sick. And though I was already cognizant of this dynamic, it still feels pretty shocking and sad, even when you're prepared and geared-up for it. It becomes just another aspect of losing your parent, who is now more like the child. This unhealthy dynamic was partly why I gave up my family in later years, when both my Mom's drinking and my dad's severe control issues were too much for me to put up with anymore. I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore and my newer way of trying to be myself wasn't having any impact. At that point I'd already decided that my Mom's choices were hers and if she couldn't take any advise seriously, there was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was have a relationship with her based on my own boundaries and terms, with a good dose of tolerance and understanding thrown in for her 'ways' and her addiction. I recontacted her about 2 months after having cut things off, and I'll tell you, I got much more respect for my choices forever after that. So those principles DO work. As for now, while I know intellectually the same things as I did then, I'm just finding that the emotional vestiges are still there, all flared-up from her passing. So I'm feeling those same old regrets in my heart, despite knowing better in my head. Plus, had I been capable earlier of giving her the kind of love I showed her once she was hospitalized, perhaps some things, at least between US, would have been a bit better still. But you know how it goes.....people often aren't able to muster up that out-pouring of intense love until something tragic happens. Sigh...that's how it was with me, too. More compassion and purer love came out, as I knew I was running out of time and it was just such a visceral response to the emergencies. For me, this is why I really don't feel I have to dwell on my Mom's failings, though of course, the child in me still hurts just from not getting what I needed as a daughter. It's strange...I lost more of her in later years than I seem to recall in my childhood, although I know there were enough instances even then to do damage to me. But I felt more supported by my Mom, if not understood, when I was younger, than when I was a teenager and beyond. Maybe that's why I seem to be the only one who was able to pull out of the situation with any understanding. In any case, I found that after she'd passed, THAT'S when I was, for the first time in my whole life, able to see all the GOOD things she'd done, in a much bigger light, despite everything else. I'd never felt such gratitude in such abundance before then. It was a lovely balancer to the way I'd felt up till then! Probably part of that 'idolizing' thing we do when someone passes, but for me, it was the perfect measure to effect that balance that hadn't been there before. But of course, now I have regret that that, too hadn't shown up when she was alive, when it would have made things so much easier for ME! I also know this is part of my innate perfectionism ( also a side-effect of the family dynamics ), wanting to have all my ducks in a row for every possible situation, so as to 'fix' the situation! GAD, it can make my head spin, the way these things are so intertwined! And that's the most frustrating part about all of it....I KNOW this stuff, inside and out, but knowing it in my head does nothing to stop the FEELINGS that come up! I still feel everything first, before I have to do the work of thinking it out of my system! So I guess I'm still clueless as to how to get to the point where I'll just feel differently ( better ) in the first place. I get so sick of this work, yet my happiness depends on me figuring it out somehow. As for finding a soft spot for my dad especially, and my last brother, I've tried before and just don't want to bother anymore. No one in my father's family has ever had a clue as to why he's the way he is, can point to no childhood trauma that they were ever aware of, so that leaves me with nothing concrete to work with. For all I know, maybe he just didn't get enough oxygen or something when he was being born! His evilness just puzzled everyone I've asked. Plus, I contrast that to the intense abuse my Mother suffered, yet even she managed to make some needed changes for the sake of our relationship, despite all her severe problems. So as far as I'm concerned, my father and brother don' t have any great excuse that I'd ever buy. Since we're ALL responsible for being how we are later in life and for how we act, I'm not letting them off the hook for choosing to be terrible people and staying that way, despite what it costs them. Despite how much I've hated them, my actions towards them have most often been completely and deliberately toned-way-down, always in hopes of some positive change. They've made up their minds to carry on as if I, and others, have done things to warrant their viscious behaviour. So at this point, I can't forgive them for their own choices. It's too late for my father to change now ( he's not going to last much longer ), but my brother has no excuse good enough for me now. I've changed through the years, so did my Mom with me, so have many others around me. It's time for my brother to GROW UP and accept responsibility for his deeds, and if he won't, I'm not going to molly-coddle him, nor save any place for warm feelings in my heart for him. I mean really...who could think that keeping your Mother's ashes stuffed in a closet, with no urn or anything, is 'okay' by anyone's standards? I wouldn't even do that with their ashes, even with no love lost between us! And then not even have the common courtesy to tell your own sister whether or not this has been rectified....it's simply despicable.

DB, I"m so glad we can help in ANY way. I remember how I was so consumed with grief that I could hardly even thank anyone for any help I did get. I was just in dire NEED, NEED, NEED! So share, or grieve, away to your heart's content! I feel Sabin is definitely my soulmate, too, our bond is so, well...natural, and powerful. He brought out the best in me, in so many ways. And isn't that just what we look for in human companions? What's the difference in what form our companions are in? I still yearn for the FEEL of his body, though, just as you're doing....it just doesn't occupy my every waking moment anymore. But when I feel that urge, I can't wait to join him! And if he wasn't there to greet me, I don't know what I'd do, because without a body anymore, I wouldn't even be able to do away with myself! Now that would be my idea of Hell! There's also another book, which I haven't read yet, that supports the belief that animals do indeed have souls and go where we're going in spirit, using many passages of scripture, if that's important to you. ( me, I'd like to order it so I'm prepared for all the counter-arguments I get from the many non-believers I seem to DRAW LIKE FLIES to me! ) It's called "There is Eternal Life for Animals" by Niki (I think it's Behikis) Shanahan.

Dear Marty, (and everyone else) I had forgotten myself about this section, so thank-you for mentioning it here! I was especially interested to find the link to Rita Reynold's new website. I'd emailed Rita a few times when I lost Sabin, and also bought her fabulous book (!) and found her to be such a helpful, loving woman, who gave me some much-needed emotional help and support during the most intense stage of my grief. Her quarterly publication LaJoie is also simply marvelous! Since viewing her website ( still partly in the works ), I found one section in particular that I think would benefit everyone here as it relates to ADC's. Strangely, it's the section on "Animal Hospice", but it contains references to ADC's. She's also soliciting ADC's from others for possible inclusion in another book ( I may just write her again myself! ). She has wonderful ways with words in talking about animals and their paths in life, dying and after-death, so I encourage everyone to read as much as you can by her!

tattoodlb, I, too, share your feelings of having had more grief for your furbaby than for your own mother. It took me 3 years of pretty heavy mourning for my Sabin to be able to live more normally again ( my H had bet 2 yrs. at least, knowing me and our respective relationships ), whereas, while I'm still mourning my Mom and brother ( only been not quite 2 yrs. for both ), and it's been pretty awful for my Mom's passing especially, it was far and away worse for Sabin's. To me, it was perfectly logical, never mind what society said. My furboy was my child and I was totally responsible for him and his health and safety. I've also never experienced as deep and enlightening a relationship with anyone else as I did with him ( although his remaining sister, Nissa, is equally as loved, and in different ways, even more so, as she got me through his passing, my Mom's and brother's, too ). But at the time, he was the first HUGE loss I'd had since childhood and nothing else has compared so far. ( again, with Nissa, I'm sure to be even worse, as she's our last furbaby ) Your counselor put it perfectly and it was the same for me. While I love my Mother dearly, with Sabin I didn't have the same emotional baggage as in my relationship with my Mom, AND with both my furkids, not only did they love me pretty unconditionally ( no, I don't believe it's always totally unconditional, even with animals, who ARE fully aware of who treats them well and who doesn't! ), but they were the first and so far only individuals who I've ever been able to love mainly unconditionally back, and that is no small matter! It's rare as rare can be in this world. There's NO reason to feel guilty, unless you prefer to listen to the biases of a society that most often thinks of animals merely as disposable toys or ornamentation for the house. We've been brainwashed into accepting nonsense. If you loved Smokey then you do everything right by him by grieving. Personally, I don't have any respect for anyone who is NOT affected much by their animal companion's passing....in short, I think they're totally wrong. The fact that you've had so many passings so close together, just as I've had, only complicates the entire process. Believe me, I know how incredibly tough that is! With nerves already frayed and heart so raw and empty, it's not an easy task to start living again. I congratulate you on taking such proactive steps for yourself as every little bit helps. When I need to, if it's still available, I will likely take Marty's course, too. Right now, I just can't even think about that time, as I'm sad enough as it is. You might also like reading books by human mediums, as many of them also have short sections on animal loss. Another one that I HAD to have is "The Soul of Your Pet - Evidence for the Survival of Animals After Death" by Scott S. Smith. VERY enlightening! I've often wondered about that book you're reading and now might actually try it, as my faith overall isn't quite at 100%, where I'd like it to be.

Dearest Eliza, Oh, I'm so glad you shared your ADC's, too!! Aren't are kidlets just GRAND?!! Those were some pretty powerful messages from Winnie! I have to admit to being envious of you hearing her, as this was one type I was actually expecting from Sabin. He and his sister have some Oriental blood in them, as they've both always been very loud and vocal. In particular, there was a call he used to do when he was frustrated that no one was playing with him at the moment, after he’d gone to the trouble of getting all hyped-up and everything! He'd let out this really gutteral yowl that I've never heard from any other cat and I SO hoped I'd hear it one fine day, when I least expected it. That would have been part of the pleasure since I'd sometimes get startled by his yowl! It was sort of like a "YOWoo!", but from really far back in the throat. But although he never came through with that, strangely enough, Nissa started emulating it after a few months, and it's evolved to the point where there's little distinction between her voice and his now when doing this yowl! The sad part is that I'm actually starting to forget some of his less common talk. It really panics me. For Nissa, I started recording her in different moments, so this would be less likely to happen, but I don't have anything like that for my boy, so must rely strictly on memory.....which has become severely compromised with my 3 losses. Regarding scientific 'proof', from what I've read and heard about the different physics theories from the last 70 years ( which they don't seem to be teaching yet! ), it shouldn't be too long before all things 'supernatural' will become not only more accepted, but more explainable and even normal. Yeah! So I still have hope that both sides of me ( and you ) will be satisfied to a greater degree. There IS a tangible difference in these dreams that are more than just dreams, isn't there? Words of explanation don't do them justice because it's that feeling that it's as real as waking life that is so apparent. I'm so glad you had the same experience with Winnie...and isn't it wonderful when we can feel them again so normally? Your Snuggli reference was fabulous, too! Yes, these are the kinds of validations that make or break a reading. A skeptical friend of mine always counters with something like, "Well, you could easily argue that that would be a common thing for someone to do ( or have, or have happen, etc. ), so they're just guessing..." but I always believe that out of the dozens of things one could pick from, how is it that they so often get it right? I think the odds would defy such guesswork. I also know of other, very specific validations from one communicator in particular ( who can't work right now ) that aren't common at ALL, as they're specific to odd behaviours between feline pals, so I buy those skeptical arguments even less than how much I listen to my own inner skeptic. Your butterfly mention also reminded me of something else I forgot to write about. The day we buried Sabin was a hot and windless day in July. ( we'd actually kept him in the deep-freeze until we had everything we needed and I was ready to give up his body - yes, I'm VERY slow to process grief!! ). His funeral lasted most of the afternoon, again, until I felt the time was 'right' and I could let his body go. I had 12 black balloons and one white one ( for the white tip on the end of his tail ), filled with helium and ready to be released after I read a poem I'd selected for him ( as well as MANY other readings for the rituals indoors beforehand ). I was worrying that they'd just get stuck in our trees close by because it was so very still. Well, just as I was getting ready to release them, this puff of wind came along, I let them go and they sailed straight up into the blue! I KNEW it was my boy’s doing, as he’d been a total nutbar for wind. The gustier it was, the more mental he’d get, zooming from one place to another, teasing me into an uninhibited game of Tag! And here he was again, making sure his service went perfectly, to suit his perfectionist Mom, and to echo his personal tastes! There was no more wind for the rest of the day ( I kept checking on this, just to be sure ). I read a few more selected passages and followed up with my favourite song for him ( the same one he sent me via the radio that later Christmas ), after which we finished the burial by placing the stone slab overtop. As soon as that was completed, an orange butterfly ( a pretty rare colour in our parts back then ) wafted overtop his grave, from the stone to a plant on one side and back again a number of times, though I was sitting right there, yet moving. I later looked up the meanings of both “butterfly” and “orange” – lightheartedness, freedom, the freed soul and immortality, and happiness and independence, respectively. Perfect! And like your story about the movie, I had many little instances of T.V. scripts or themes of shows, left, right and center that seemed to answer my questions and doubts about my boy and his whereabouts, for many months afterwards. I should have written them all down, though, as I’ve forgotten now what they each were about! I’m so happy for you that Winnie put her reincarnation plans in the exact words that she did! What a blessing! With Sabin, the first time I asked about that, he was undecided, which was fine by me, as I was unsure, too. This last time, I didn’t even ask, but I was seeking assurance that he’d be there to greet me when my time came. If this last one is to be believed ( and the jury’s still out on this ), he might not still be there, but said if it was my time, he’d “find a way to make it happen”. I asked how he’d even know that it was my time if he wasn’t living with me, and was assured that he would indeed know. I don’t know how this would work, but if it’s true, I’d trust him to find a way. I have personally heard of cats who came back, instances where there was no doubt it was the same one even if their bodily appearance was different. For instance, there was one where the passed cat had loved fava beans, of all things, and nothing else excited her so! When this cat reincarnated very soon after its passing, the ‘new’ cat, who in this case did look almost identical, not only exhibited many of the same personality traits and behaviors, but scoffed a bunch of fava beans as soon as they were made available! That’s pretty specific, if you ask me! It ‘proved’, as much as this is possible, to her guardian, that it was her, as she’d been doubting it. It does my heart good to know you’ve become open to the wondrous possibilities and different realities of this Universe, and who knows how many others? The physical laws definitely aren’t governed by what we were taught they are, and for that, we can be thankful, and wonder-struck! Please let me know if and when you get any more as there’s nothing like happier moments like these to keep my faith growing!….or just to chat, or share memories of our dear and precious furkids. Love, Maylissa

Dear Dester, Oh, you're right! We have quite a bit in common! And you've obviously had a lot of complicated grief issues, too! One thing, just to clarify - I didn't have to play the parent until my Mom's last few months; and in childhood, I just wanted to fix her life..it's not like I knew how to. My father, though never officially diagnosed or anything, was the REAL problem drinker in our family. It was always his binges that sent us scurrying for cover, or leaving home 'til the next day. He was also verbally, mentally and physically abusive (the last reserved just for my Mom; had he ever touched me, I would have killed him, I hated him so much ) My Mom, on the other hand, just sipped her alcohol through the day, and somewhat openly, too, so it never dawned on me that she had a problem with it until they found her cirrhosis. Her drinking was really only characterized by bouts of irrationality ( I used to just call it acting kind of crazy and confusing ) and irritability, which I never attributed to it, either, because in that household, who wouldn't be irritable?! And even if someone isn't technically alcoholic, they can exhibit many of the same behaviours and ways of thinking, when growing up in an alcoholic home, which my Mother also did, as her father was alcoholic, too, as are some of her siblings. So all us kids had some form of addictive personality, and for me it's cigarettes ( tried 2 dif. patches and neither worked for me). For my brothers, one had his pipe, the other is his whole lifestyle = work thing. I am childless, too, by choice. I recognized that I still had a lot of growing up to do, never felt particularly maternal towards young children anyway, and certainly didn't want to bring all my own garbage into an innocent's life and ruin them as I felt my parents ruined all of ours, psychologically. What I DID have, though, for all of my life, was an inherent connection to animals, so we had furkids instead....only 2 of them and when my furgirl is no longer here, I don't know that I could ever put myself through the anguish of losing them again...but we'll see. However, I've noticed that since my Mom's passing, there's a part of me that wishes I had a daughter, too. It's for somewhat selfish reasons, though, so it's probably best that I don't. It's mainly that I don't have any other female to pass everything on to ( since girls usually care about these kinds of things more....mementos, stories, clothes, etc. ) I see both the good and the bad of my Mom in me, too. I try my best to reduce or eliminate the bad, and treasure and grow the good....but then I've always done that as I became more self-aware over the years. I don't think either of my brothers ever even thought about what they were like, or who, or if they did, they, like my dad, didn't see anything that needed changing, unlike those of us who knew them! I recall, painfully, another comment my dead brother's spouse said to me after my Mom died. When I told her I'd spent years figuring out my family and their dynamics, she said, "Well!....what a grand waste of time that was! I could think of much better things to do with my time! " She's such a self-righteous, self-serving, cold-hearted, totally self-UNaware witch! So my siblings devolved through the years to hook up with less and less-desirable people, where I was trying to better myself to attract the mentally-healthier types. My remaining brother never even had a girlfriend ( no one would have put up with him for long anyway, unless they were masochistic ) and my dead brother has 2 blood-children, one of whom wanted nothing to do with him after he and the boy's mother split and the last one has no father now and is under the control of this witch-woman...and my remaining brother, who wants to MENTOR him!! Aaahhhh! Run for the hills, little boy! This is the brother who's a thief, a liar, physically handicapped, emotionally stunted, a fraud artist, a control freak, physically violent ( just like his dad, and older brother ), etc, etc, etc. He even hit our Mother once, with his CANE! And, very much like your mother, mine, too, played favourite to this brother, but I think, mainly out of a guilt complex because he was born with cerebral palsy. She killed herself with his treatment and care when he was a youngster and doted on him hand and foot until she no longer could because of her own ill health ( even THEN, feeling guilty for this lack! ) (BTW, his CP only affects one leg, not anything else, nor his brain ). And after all this, HE was the one who didn't care she was in hospital, dying. His mantra: "I don't have TIME for......! Don't BOTHER me!" I can't tell you how many thousands of times I heard that from him, for everything and anything. He hasn't a grateful bone in his body....perhaps this is why his leg won't work properly! I'm SO glad you used the word "evil" to describe your brother, too, as that's the one I use, for both my father and this brother....because it FITS! My father got mad at me and my dead brother, each for different reasons, years ago ( me, for daring to leave the family business where he wouldn't teach me anything of value, so that I'd BE stuck....I stopped playing his game when he interfered in my personal life when I was just turning 30.), and said he was cutting us both out of their Will. My Mother, of course, was intimidated into aquiescing. Ironically, when she died, no Wills at all could be found - our father had given my evil brother envelopes full of junk flyers! So evil brother had a just-as-crooked lawyer ( my dad's, naturally ) draw up a NEW Will, that is technically illegal as my father already had shown dozens of signs of dementia and everyone knew it long before then. He also claimed he had a POA for our father, when it turned out later, it wasn't drawn up when he'd claimed he got it, but likely once he commited our father to a home ( post-formal diagnosis of dementia ). So he learned well from his father how to flagrantly cheat and steal and break the law....and the Province ( who now has power over our father's care ) has refused so far to go after him. He also has likely stolen a sizeable inheritance that was coming to our father, but I can't even find out if this relative has died already or not, as only this brother now knows what seniors' home he's in, in another Province. So, like you, I wonder what my Mother is thinking and feeling about how she didn't see to protecting her life, her valuables, her wishes, her daughter ( if not her other son, who she was unhappy with for other reasons ), now that her treasured demon spawn of a son has done nothing short of destroying what little was left of this family, finishing off the evil works of her husband, whom she hated. While she created this 'fix-it' mentality in me herself, by her words and deeds, she never would take any of my advise and this is what's come out of it. I don't even have a place to visit her, as my brother has her ashes and will likely never inter them properly. And I thought it was bad enough that she never got a Memorial or anything. My father refused to make a decision to hold something at the house, claiming there was no money for anything ( another lie, it turned out ), and my other brother had no income to spare, either, plus we had none at the time and I'd already had to pay for her obit. myself, with no help for any of this from our other brother, who didn't even call anyone after she died. Of course, nor did he call ME when our brother died, OR when our father was placed in a home! He'd asked me for my advise on where to place him, wanting something close ( only, it turned out, so he could send someone else there when he needed something signed! ), then never told me when it happened. I had to find out from the hospital, where he'd ended up. He refused to ever call me back, long-distance, even knowing we had no income at all, so I bore those costs as well. Oh, is there any END to the evil in our respective brothers?! I'm not a bit surprised about those fillings, as I know well the TYPE! In fact, I think my father SOLD my Mom's wedding band and I was frankly surprised he wasn't also trying to get some cash from her dentures, which should have been cremated WITH her! I found them in her bedroom, in the same hospital cup as I'd seen when there, but with blood mixed in.....shudder.....I don't know what that was from....it only makes me recall my father's story that she was murdered....and frankly, I will always wonder if HE could possibly have been the one to hit her in the head, causing that final stroke, as she had a private room. Oh, God....the horrors that they've left me with and there's nothing I can do about it. Though my brother suggested to him to request an autopsy, he didn't, though he was threatening to sue everybody, for months before and then after. So who knows? All this mystery around my Mother's life and death, and now the trauma of it all is in my very cells, carried by me every day. While my Mom physically doted on my brother, she loved me in a very different way....she appreciated me and our connection and the things I'd do....yet her mind slowly but surely went the sicker she got...and my father, knowing she was alcoholic, was feeding her wine every single day since she lost her license in a bad accident! ( he boasted about this to me after she'd hemorrhaged from the overdose and they thought she'd die! ) Years before, I'd tried to rally the family to do a formal Intervention for her, but not one was interested. So I watched her go downhill for another 14 years, with my hands tied. While I'm mainly done with my brother, I have yet to decide whether it's worth my while taking him to court over this Will, when the time comes...so it's STILL not really over unless I say it is, and I'm torn. I SO want to rectify the evil done and return some honour and respect to both my Mom's life and my daughterhood....but if it's just going to end up costing me in terms of mental health and money, it's not worth going there. However, it's not easy getting any straight answers out of lawyers in this regard and I'm SO sick of uncertainty, I don't want to blindly guess. This is STILL just part of my story about my Mom's whole illness and what I've had to try and cope with...HA! COPE with!?!?! Who can COPE with stuff this mental?! Yes, Donna, I'd like to find a professional who's actually gone through the same kinds of evils and ask them how in world we 'let this go'.....tra-lah'ing into the sunset, to lead normal, happy lives.....

Dear Dester, Well, you've certainly been through the wringer, too. It's somehow comforting to find others who can really relate to our particular struggles, just to know we're not as misunderstood as we sometimes, or oftentimes, feel, too. Your story is so sad, too, similarly to mine. You're fortunate in one way, though...that you got the opportunity, and choice, to look after your mom, for a time anyway. Had my father not been around, I would have been able to do much more, and likely would have considered moving my Mom to our city...although she probably wouldn't have come, wanting to stay in her home of 46 years, despite the fact she could no longer take care of it anymore, it was so large, and not elderly-friendly. My stupid father had never 'gotten around' to finishing looking into condo's for themselves, not that they had any real local help for such a large move, though. However, I digress.... I must admit, I'm rather surprised my Mom didn't get lung cancer, and die from that. In fact, she didn't even die from the liver cirrhosis she'd had for a long time ( which did land her in hospital a few times previously ). In the end she died of a stroke, had had a few small ones before that, and also had heart disease, 2 kinds of arthritis, a fractured spine, high blood pressure...she was suffering for many years, but no one knew the extent of all of her ailments other than the cirrhosis. Her regular MD was an ass, wouldn't even help out when she went into the hospital, wouldn't talk to me...same with her internist when she was diagnosed as alcoholic. In fact, I highly suspected, from things he said ( and things he refused to do for her ) that he was alcoholic himself...not terribly uncommon among medical professionals. We'd even had an alcoholic doctor as an extended relative in our family years previous - he was the one who first told us how common it is. Anyway, my Mom smoked for many years too ( I've never counted how long ), and frankly, so do I still. With all this stress, I know I can't successfully quit right now, but still hope to try again. I can also relate to what you said about their eyes getting bigger and softer ( though my Mom's skin actually looked quite normal when I saw her last ). I wondered about it at the time, although I didn't know this was a common phenomena. I knew that she'd 'visited' those other realms already. My (deceased) brother had told me of one visit with her where she'd been back on the trolleys in our city, and another when she was back on the farm and her own mother was still alive and waiting for her to come help with dinner. It scared the bejeezers out of me, and yet I was thankful that it was helping prepare me for the inevitable, although I didn't know how soon or long that would be from then. How awful for you to have had a doctor with such a lack of bedside manner!..but I know the type. Idiots! And yet, he rather suited your mom, didn't he? I understand your mom's mentality, as mine was very similar. I think part of it is just the mark of having lived through things like the Depression - you HAD to be tough to survive. But my Mom could be emotional, too. It's just that I was really her only outlet for that softer side, and since she first turned to me when I was quite young, I didn't have the necessary skills or experience to know what to do for her back then...although I certainly empathized with her pains. In later years, we'd often engage in 'gripe sessions' with each other and, while not a healthy way to cope, it did cement that bond even further because we DID agree on many things that bothered us both about other people, or circumstances. As for being kind of 'cold', I got some of that, too. Abruptness, sometimes downright harshness and lack of sympathy, were also her trademarks. The world really pissed my Mom off ( and her daughter learned this one TOO well for herself, too! ) so many things came out this way. There's one thing she said to me in my teens and early 20's that really drove me up a wall....."You're just a frustrated KITTEN!". Not only was it true...I had a LOT to be frustrated ABOUT!..... but she could sometimes say it in such a way that conveyed such disgust for my feelings, I would just shrivel inside, yet on the outside I'd simply show anger back. I, too, got 'accused' of being the emotional one, crying easily, yes, as if it was almost some kind of disease that she didn't want to catch. Her hard shell was a mask and a defense mechanism, but I didn't figure that out for many years. And in any case, it didn't allow for the kind of sharing and support I so desperately needed and wanted. And yet, there were times when my Mom counted on me to play that feeling role, when she, too, needed another female who could commiserate with her own lot. And she DID come through for me during certain key times, like when each of my budgies died. It was MOM who instructed one brother to build me a casket, Mom who lovingly sewed and lined it with quilted velvet, I who finished it off with lemon oil and Mom who dug the hole and helped me bury my Kiki in the yard. She was always careful, in all her years of gardening, to never dig anywhere near that spot again....at least as far as I know. This was the lesson I finally learned, almost too late entirely, but not quite. All my Mom wanted, was the same thing I'd wanted - that unconditional love. Once she had her first stroke, no matter how she acted or what she said, I let it go, with more understanding. It was in this act that I got my Mother back, back to the Mom I'd known so many years ago, before her crummy life and alcohol took their toll on her and half-destroyed her mind. During that last visit I got to actually touch and see this new/old Mom of mine, a Mom I'd remembered from my earliest years, and something I'd been waiting to experience again for the better part of my life. So yes, I understand feeling robbed. I only got 2 days of that ( and this is ignoring the lapses she still had into less-mindful states, when I was there, which were much less pronounced than what my brother had witnessed ) before she was gone. All other times after that she was worse again on the phone. And I knew the love I'd shown was what had made all the difference in the world....except I couldn't keep being there, in person, to make her final 2 months more loving. How CAN one let go after that? How can one NOT feel terribly about not having known HOW to accomplish this sooner, when it might have made a bigger difference and possibly have saved her from so much suffering? I KNOW it's not really my fault, as I wasnt' the parent here, and it wasn't my job to have to figure all of these family dynamics out for my parents....but that's the way it worked out, and, God help me, that's how big my heart turned out after all the heartache. As for you, I'm sure your mom kept you there because she had a yearning for you, the daughter who she knew in her heart had the capacity to do the right things for her. I do believe most people's spirits get clearer, more in control so to speak, as they approach death, unless it's sudden. You must have an inner strength in you, as people say I have, that shines through all the muck, and who would know this better than our mothers? I know the doubts we live with though, and while I can't say for certain exactly what she was thinking and feeling ( and isn't that the great problem with these stoic types?! ), if there wasn't a strong bond there, I doubt she would have wanted you with her, either. I suspect you probably feel, as I do, like you would give your eye teeth to really KNOW everything that was going on inside your mom, what the real TRUTH was. It can drive you batty! I'll tell you one thing, if all this isn't made perfectly clear in Heaven, or whatever state or plane we go to, then when I get there, I'm going to hold a protest march!!

Today is my Mom's birthday, the second one I've had to 'celebrate' without her. She would have been 86. The last time I physically saw her was the day after her birthday ( the soonest I could fly out ), 2 years ago. I'll never forget walking into the rehab. center, my heart pounding in my ears, to find her strapped into her Broda Chair, asleep in the dining room, awaiting her lunch. I hadn't seen her in a few years and she'd lost so much weight...but it was still MY Mom. I gently woke her up, as I hadn't told her I was coming in. She drearily opened her eyes....then they went round as saucers. She broke out in the widest smile...oh, that smile I loved so much and knew so well! I felt like I was really home! She said my name, over and over. We started crying softly together as I gave her a big yet careful hug and kissed her soft cheek, as I tried to assess how she looked through my tears. Was she going to be fairly lucid today? Would our short time together go well, or would I be continually crying inside for this new reality that my dear Mom was stuck in? She only had the use of her right arm now and so used that one to dab her eyes with the Kleenex I handed her. I wanted to sob deeply, but didn't want her to know how upsetting this all was, seeing my own Mother so frail, so fragile, immobile and helpless, robbed of her fierce, trademark independance, her home, her former life....OUR former life. She kept repeating my name, smiling widely. I noticed the slight downward curve of the left side of her mouth, thankfully mostly hidden when she smiled. This new reality was shattering my heart! She wouldn't have had that downward curve had the first doctor in the hospital not overdosed her on that dangerous blood thinner! A nurse, or an aid ( who could tell around here? no one wore job description tags. ) came by and here was Mom, happily telling her I was her daughter, come to see her! She did that the entire first day, for everyone who came into her room. I felt so loved, but also like s***. I'd last been in 2.5 months ago, when she was really out of it ( after the overdose and subsequent internal hemorrhage that they couldn't operate for ), and we still didn't have any income coming in. We'd planned this trip anyway, just hoping we wouldn't run out of funds for the basics to live. I didn't want to ever have to leave, but my husband had to go to work on Monday and someone had to take care of our also-ill furbaby. Oh, it wasn't fair! Two days was all I'd have, to try to make up for a whole lifetime of regrets. I took her for rides around the complex, outside, bundled all up ( though it was sunny and mild ) for a stroll and a smoke ( she'd been forced to go without for 6 months as no one thought to take her out of her room, ever. ) I'd brought a special balloon bouquet that facinated her and a radio...again, no other family member brought her anything normal to ease the boredom. I can't even speak of the negative parts of my visit, because they still hurt like hell. I hugged her and kissed her as much as I could. Took pictures, of her, of her and me, sent her copies once I was back home. Made sure the nurses knew to tack them up for her when they arrived, as neither my father nor brother ever did these things for her. Wheeled her down to watch a Leslie Nielson movie, attempted to play some piano for her, my heart dying inside because she no longer showed any enthusiasm for my ( rusty ) playing...another shock. No one but my Mom had ever been more thrilled to hear me play, especially waltzes. My father ruined half of our visit, as usual. My brother wasn't much better at the time. The other brother still didn't come in, to see either of us, though he lived less than 5 mins. away. I did everything I possibly could,( never enough in my mind ), trying to balance doing and just BEING with her. When there was only about an hour or so left, she asked me to lie down next to her in bed. There was hardly any room, but I did anyway. I held her as close as possible without hurting her stroke arm, kissed her some more, tried to talk to her about past secrets I now knew about but she'd never discussed with me. She told me, "Just forget about it!!" So I'd get no closure on that. I was now the mother, rocking and comforting my mother-child as she lay so ill next to me. She expected me to be staying the night, maybe even believing I'd now be living with her again at 'home', as she confusedly sometimes thought of this place. The rest of the time she wanted to go HOME, her real home. It was one of the most precious times I'd ever had with her, as she'd normally been so very busy with work, we'd hardly ever both lay down at the same time. My ride was waiting. I had to leave, leave my Mother for what I knew might be the last time ever, because she could go any time, and who knew when? When the night RN ( who'd been so kind to us this wknd.) said goodnight, I collapsed on the floor, the tears no longer controllable, choking off my breath. She took me into the nurses' coffee room, held me like my Mom no longer could, wanted me to stay for awhile, but I couldn't. Told me how she'd been watching us the whole day, that she saw how awful my family was and how it's often the daughter who cares the most..happened in her family, too, so "I KNOW..." Thank God for that nurse, Mary, the name of my Mom's closest sister. There'd been a LOT of that in her 6 months of illness here and in hospital. Names, both first and last, of her immediate family members...uncanny, time after time. It had always appeared to me to be a sign that they were patiently waiting for her on the Other Side. Thank God, too, for that last visit. Hard on me, to say the least, but without it I don't know where I'd be today. I couldn't say good-bye ( just told her I'd be calling her the next day when I was back ), as she wasn't actively dying then, just closer than I'd hoped to that final day 2 months later...when I DIDN'T make it back in time. Maybe just as well, as how could I EVER say good-bye to my MOM? I can't even say, a life well-lived, as there was so much despair and heartache in her life, things I couldn't fix for her. So much unhappiness and struggle. My only comfort is that I knew I provided her some long-awaited and so well-deserved happiness on that day. So in a very crucial way, it WAS a Happy Birthday. God bless you and keep you, Mom, MY Mom, and may you now be fully and truly happy where and how you are, as you always did deserve.....and Happy Birthday, from your loving daughter. XOXOXO