Maylissa

Dester and Lila, Dester, Yes, you're right, and I get that, too, although sometimes in ways that I don't even want! lol! I'm very much my Mother, in a lot of ways. I remember my father's sister telling me this year, when I sent her a picture of me and my husband, right off the bat saying that I had my Mother's hands. Although this is a physical characteristic, it was one of the best compliments I'd ever received and it's true. I couldn't believe she'd noticed! There have been many times, especially as I've aged, that I've looked down at my hands and seen almost the same hands that took care of me when I was ill, did so many chores, recalling how my Mom used to lament that her hands were so old and worked-looking, and while I would see that, I'd also see hands that did so much out of love and concern. I wish I had expressed that to her at the time. Sigh...and the more I age, the more I see her face in mine. I used to be so afraid of an aged look, but now I know I have something to look forward to in a way, as I WILL look almost exactly like my Mother when I'm old, assuming I get that far. As for her emotional characteristics, I already know I've come farther than she was able, and that's a good thing, as I think of myself as her further evolved self, what she could have become given the chances I was given, unlike her own past. In my rebellious stage, I hated seeing parts of her in me, but now I've tried to adopt the parts that were her best and that's good enough as they're worth keeping. Lila, That is so beautiful, what you found in your mother, and before it was too late. I can relate to looking for the love, self-worth and approval and to make my Mom proud of me. Unfortunately, this is one thing that I don't believe really happened before she passed. I realized afterwards how often I'd been doing something, almost anything, even before her passing, and be doing it with the thought of, " Mom would be pleased if she could see this from me, her daughter." It came as a shock after, to see how often I'd been thinking of her and wanting to make her proud of me, despite believing that I'd wasted my greatest potentials. My parents had not been supportive of individuality and efforts towards bettering oneself, but this is where my rebelliousness was directed. So while I'd done this in some areas, I'd always felt, and still do, that I'd let many other personal potentials slide. What I didn't realize during all those years was how much making my Mom proud had been driving me all along. Now that she's no longer here, I don't seem to have the same oomph that I used to have. Since self-worth wasn't modeled whatsoever in my family, I now find that trying to do things for my own sake alone is a real struggle. So you are extremely lucky to have had a mother as generous and truly loving as your mom was. I don't think there's any greater gift a parent can give their child as their true blessing to be themselves and shine! I do know my Mom loved me anyway, but I still regret not being able to have given back more of what I'd hoped to be able to give her when she was still here. One case in point: my husband and I had zero income both before and during her illness. I'd always dreamed of the day we'd be more well-off and could afford to get her the practical things she needed at home that I knew my father wouldn't provide for her in her old age. While she was ill, my father refused to pay for a lousy TV in her room at the rehab. center, nor for a private phone, and we simply couldn't afford it at the time. Too ironically, we only began receiving income AFTER both she and my brother had died, by one lousy month. Had we had some money at the time, there would have been SO much more I could have provided for her in her last days. including my presence. I can't help but wonder, to this day, WHY things happened in the order that they did. How was that fair to her, or to me? And this is only one point that gnaws at my brain. I've had a long, hard struggle with trying to 'measure up' to hers and my father's ideals, not that there was any way to achieve them in most areas without some sort of criticism regardless. I always knew that my Mom was trying to live vicariously through me and my potential life, which wasn't healthy or fair to me, and so I feel like I failed her, even though my better sense tells me that I've done okay and often surpassed expectations, but in areas that weren't as important to my parents. It's a difficult cross to bear, believing I was right in many ways, but not ever having convinced either of them that that was so. So I repeat...you're very fortunate, and I'm glad you recognize what a gift that was from your mother. It really IS unconditional love that she gifted you with and her words to you were truly what every daughter ( or son ) wishes to hear. Perhaps it is in the act of dying that we learn what is truly needed and what is really important and if we are able, we express just that. What a wonderful legacy to leave with your loved one! I'm so happy for you that you got what you had longed and searched for. Beautiful!

Aunt, Thank you for your 'congrats'. Yes, if going out was the norm, that presents a different problem. Maybe that's the kind of time you have to forget it's a holiday and do something really different, depending on what's available. Sorry, but I'm not feeling very creative for suggestions right now! For Christmas-time, though, it's a different story, as so far I'd still rather make my Mom's traditional dishes at home ( no restaurant would have them anyway ) and probably hole up in at least some isolation from the happier crowds. Christmas is different....my Mom left right after New Years, so the entire holiday time is rolled into that period for me. I last spoke to her on Christmas Eve. So for then, I'll need to cloister, at least this year. For the future, who knows? A friend of mine who lost her dad this year is hoping they can just go away so she doesn't even see Christmas stuff around....although I don't know how many places won't have something to remind her. But as usual, I'll do it MY way, whatever that ends up being. Sometimes my stubbornness and unconventionality serves me rather well.

Just wanted to let others know that we made it through Cdn. Thanksgiving pretty well! My husband, bless his caring heart this year, suggested we go out to eat on Thanksgiving....not that he had any idea where we should go! lol However, I thought about where I'd seen traditional dinners being advertised in the past and figured a golf course dining room would be a possible bet because those usually stay open for all the avid golfers. We just got a really nice one in our town, and sure enough, they were open. We had a really wonderful meal there ( good chefs, and I'm very particular about my food, as Mom was a great cook, and so am I! ), for even a good value! It was SO nice to go out, not have to watch cars going to and fro from our neighbours' houses, eat a great, traditional meal ( very much like Mom would have made ), no clean-up, then have time to relax at home with our furgirl. I'd NEVER gone out to eat on any holidays, so now that I know how nice it can be, I think I'll start my OWN, new tradition, at least for this particular holiday! Oh, success on this difficult journey is sweet!!

Eliza, and all those interested in ADC's from our furbabies, These are some of the more prominent ADC's I've been priveleged to receive from my furboy, Sabin, after he transitioned. He had always shown me, in so-called physical life, that the mind is not limited to any perceived attachment to the body and in his ADC's, he demonstrated that the love attachment is no different and that the essence of someone lives on, and continues to love. The signs I received from him were bigger, more continuous and easier to corroborate and believe in than any I've received since from either my Mother or brother...probably as fitting as I'd thought, since the love shared between me, him and his sister, Nissa, was/is the biggest and deepest I've known so far in my life. My beloved boy first showed me he was still around 1 or 2 days after he'd transitioned ( I was so tramatized, I never could remember later on which of the 2 days it was ), in the morning, in bed. I knew I'd already woken up for a few seconds because I could feel the bedclothes and hear my husband breathing next to me. I clearly felt Sabin tromping my hair and nuzzling my ear, as he'd sometimes done when we were in bed. This was my absolute favourite thing that he'd do, as he'd stick his snoot right into my ear and purr as he kneaded my hair. It was completely soothing to me and I'd always told him how much I adored this ritual. At first I thought it MUST be his sister, wondering if this was one of those phenomenas I'd heard about when one's remaining kidlets take on some of the habits of a transitioned companion. But when I opened my eyes a few seconds later ( once I remembered he wasn't there anymore - I think I may have 'invalidated' his visit by that thought ), she was nowhere near my head, but down on my legs fast asleep. I was both devastated that he wasn't here in the physical, yet flabbergasted that I'd actually had an ACD from him, and so soon! Then a few days later, both me and Nissa heard him clawing the carpet inside a closet he'd frequented, while I was washing up for bedtime. We heard it 2 or 3 times, for a few seconds each time, to the point where my eyes were round in amazement and anticipation. I had to actually open the door to satisfy Nissa, who looked somewhat alarmed but curious, so I know it wasn't just in my own head, from the constant yearning to be with him again. I honestly half-expected, from some wondrous miracle, to find him in there. A crushing blow when I didn't, yet again, it left me breathless with wonder and awe that he'd come through again, and this time for BOTH of us. ( probably because he knows his Mom can be pretty sceptical and scientific and wants proof all the time! ) In the next few weeks, Nissa and I also kept hearing the sound of his paws hitting the second floor as if he was jumping down from his favourite spots to come join us downstairs as we were sitting on the couch together. This had been standard practise with the 3 of us, with Nissa often beginning our lap-time on my thighs, then Sabin joining us a bit later, shoving his poor sister further down my legs 'til she was on my shins, while HE took my comfier thighs....or sometimes even pushing her right OFF my legs so he could stretch out fully! So when we heard his jumps, we'd both get all goosey-necked, straining to look up the stairs, sure we'd be seeing him loping down any second. It broke my heart each time, as Nissa would look so crestfallen, too, just as I was, when Sabin didn't physically show up...the sound was so REAL, we both just expected a miracle every time! He also started sending me his age when he transitioned, all over the place, through the media usually, in print, on TV, on radio....it seemed I couldn't go through hardly a day w/o seeing or hearing it. He was 13 when he crossed over ( and was black cat, no less, but with a tiny white tip on the end of his tale, like a beacon. ) After months of this, I started marking down all the times I noticed it, and it was quite remarkable. When there was a day or two when I wouldn't see or hear it, I'd ask him to please send it to me again so I'd know he was still around and wouldn't panic about his absence and sure enough, the next day it would be there even more times than usual. The most indicative part about this was that one of his physical demonstrations of the mind not being 'trapped' in the body usually happened when I was panicking about his whereabouts.....then he'd show up! This has continued for over 5 years, and since the number 13 is usually considered unlucky by humans in North America, I've found it very strange that it was being used, or just happened, so often...from numbers of people in committees, to number of people killed somewhere, etc, etc, etc. I also heard his voice, as if it was human, talk to me a few times...usually short little statements as I was grieving, but thoroughly out of the blue, and always things that I'd NEVER tell myself because it wasn't like me, so aside from feeling it was him interrupting my thoughts, I sure knew it wasn't ME. Our 4th Christmas without him was very tough for me, and one morning I was REALLY missing him badly and asked him if he could visit me during the holidays. No sooner had I asked, when I started searching the radio for a station that was still playing Xmas music, and suddenly came upon this really obscure song from a Canadian film animation that I used to sing to him ( with a few personal word changes, to customize it ). The band playing it was right on the chorus, which was the only part I had ever sung. I KNEW it was him, getting his message to me over electronics again, which is a very common way for spirits to communicate. Being that it was such a weird little song, one that I'd written down in a book to honour him, one that most bands would NEVER sing, and yet here it was, on the radio, and at Christmas time, was so far beyond coincidence that I just knew immediately my boy was granting my heart-filled request. I was elated and it got me through the holidays, just knowing our 'Bud' was there with us. In other years during Christmas, I would often hear "Silent Night" somewhere, when I was having a hard time with missing him. For the first few years I couldn't listen to ANY Christmas music anymore, being that I'd always sung carols to him with my feline-versions of the words. This particular carol was my most-often-used one for Sabin, so to have it 'sneak' in somewhere when I was pointedly avoiding music seemed quite uncanny to me. He's also come in dreams at times, where the overriding feeling was always that, no matter the rest of the chaos going on in my dream, he was there with me, but beyond me having to worry about him, as he was completely SAFE now and nothing going on around us could change that....and I would relax, in my dream. Sometimes I would pick him up in my arms, experiencing once again the utter velvety silkiness of his fur, far beyond the way my mind simply remembered it in waking life ( he was known by all who touched him for his incredible fur ). My guy.....SUCH a force for love he is! He stubbornly and forcefully made us adopt him ( and his sister ) and in the same fashion convinced his equally-stubborn Mom that "The cat came back, no, he wouldn't go a...waaaaayy". I will miss him until the day I, too, am once again Spirit. "I dropped a tear into the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you." ~author unknown~ Eliza, I would love to also hear about your own ADC's from Winnie, or any of your other furbabies, if you care to share them.

Starkiss, I, too, know the utter shock of losing 2 loved ones close together ( Mom and brother, 2 months apart ), although I imagine it might be worse to lose 2 parents almost at once, especially if you were close to both of them. One of the best phrases I've heard is simply "It really does a number on you." But words are totally inadequate to describe the shock and horror of such things. Similarly, my family's home, where I lived for about 20 years, was sold a month after my brother passed...except my father didn't tell anyone and we found out by other means. That, too, is a piece of history 'lost' that we must mourn, and another shock to deal with, even if you did the selling yourself. It's an entire world crumbling to bits in front of your eyes, isn't it? What Julie said is true for many of us. Time itself doesn't do the healing, but it usually takes some time to get those bigger spaces in between the anguish, but these are brought about from letting all the emotions out of your system, in whatever ways work for you. And much of what works is found by experimentation &/or experience. Having said that, each loss can be different in many ways, so all we can do is push ahead, or just stumble ahead, then look back later to discover how far we've come. Sometimes we don't even see the results until someone else points little things out to us. It gets 'easier' (though that's not a great word for it, and I'm not sure what is a better word yet ) the more we are able to release from inside, even when it hurts so very much to do so. I feel so badly for you, too, and for all of us here. If your brother lives close enough, I'd suggest you visit your doggie as much as possible, as animals have wonderous ways of helping us through hard times. BTW, if you hadn't noticed yet, I answered your post about Thanksgiving in the other section. I forgot to mention that the next year at Christmas, we volunteered at a local free Christmas dinner, just to break up the usual pattern. It helped me a bit.

Thank-you, JCL, for your support, and wish that we could all be closer on the map. I've often thought the same thing myself! That's also very sweet and compassionate of you to extend an invitation for Thanksgiving, Canada-time, were we in the same place - I really appreciate the gesture! Thank-you, too, Diane, and welcome to the site. I extend my sympathies to you also in the passing of your mother.....it's just so hard, isn't it? On top of this upward swing on the griefometer, just as I finished that cabinet ( finally ), we got bad news about our furgirl's condition and I've had to scramble to get her some drugs....something I try not to resort to, preferring more natural methods with less side-effects. So now I'm too terrified to even think straight because she's a bigger part of my life than anyone else and I love her so incredibly much. Like I said before, I don't think I'm ALLOWED to have much joy in this stinking life.

It's so debilitating the way this grief takes hold and won't let go. I'm back in it more intensely again and I'm becoming afraid that this is going to ruin the entire rest of my life....whatever THAT'S supposed to be anyway! This wknd. I got to the final stages of constructing a cabinet we'd bought last year, to hold my Mom's china set, the one major item I was able to retrieve from a stranger after my father and brother sold off everything in my parents' house ( my childhood home ), without any thought of me. Her china set, therefore, has become symbolically pivotal in my grief, representing my better memories of her, my last physical connection to her, her life, and our relationship as mother and daughter. I've also been convinced that my Mom had a spiritual hand in finally getting her set back to me, since she'd always wanted me to have it. I'd been looking so forward to the moment when I'd be able to take her china out of storage in the basement and place it all lovingly inside this new cabinet. I thought this was something nice I could do for myself, something to bring a little happiness or at least some contentment back into my now lonelier life. I was doing this not only for me, but for my Mom, whose wishes were tramped on by my remaining family. But first there was an early setback to my planned day. Our furgirl started showing signs of bladder irritation and was missing her litter box.....continually throughout the day. Since my mood is always tied to how she's feeling, this upset me greatly, so I was already stressed and annoyed at the Universe for ruining the very day I'd looked forward to for over a year. Then I ran into another hitch, right in the final stages of construction, which is going to require some redoing before I can finish putting the shelves in place. I'd worked so hard and long, trying to get everything just right, trying not to make any big mistakes, at least nothing that couldn't be easily remedied ( I'm not totally w/o talent, but furniture finishing and contruction isn't my forte, either ). I was pretty pleased with the results, but this mistake right at the last stage really upset me. I'd planned on finishing it off on Sunday, so I could put dishes in during the week when I'm alone. Now I couldn't finish this labor of love. When this mistake was discovered, that was the last straw for me, for this particular day, and I got really upset. To make matters worse, my husband immediately started minimizing my feelings, saying it was no big deal, not the end of the world, yadda-yadda. I tried to remind him how much, emotionally, I'd had invested in this day, how I'd already told him that morning how frustrated I was that our furgirl's worsening illness had put yet another wrench in the works for me. But he wasn't listening and we ended up in a big argument. He knows full well how this kind of thing only adds to my depression about my future, with my Mom gone, my family abandoning me, etc. Now I had 3 things I was upset about. But the overriding feeling was and is one of despair. I've noticed that too many times when I try to do something good for ME, something happens right away to take away any joy I might derive from it. And the grief over my Mom's and brother's passing looms even larger, like a menacing cloud, telling me I'm NEVER going to have any joy anymore. On top of that, this cabinet suddenly felt like another finality, much like a sad anniversary. So now I'm left with not feeling good about the whole project at ALL!!! Once it's done, and now through even more anxst and anxiety, that will be IT, like a totally final chapter in my life with my Mom. What I thought would bring me contentment has now only brought me more grief. Now it feels like whenever pull out that china to use and remember my Mom by, ALL I'm going to feel is that hole she once occupied. Now it's my china set, one that she'll never eat from again. I can't envision her coming to visit and enjoying a meal lovingly prepared by me, her daughter, while she takes it easy and gets doted on for a change. The icing on the cake is that it will be her birthday date on the 17th of this month, 2 years from the day I last saw her alive. TWO YEARS?!?! How can it be that long already?! I still feel like it was only one year ago! I'm crashing and burning again, with nothing to give me hope for a future that also seems dead to me. Thanks for listening, although the writing doesn't seem to be dulling the pain this time...

STARKISS, I'm in Canada, too, so realize Thanksgiving is fast approaching. While this may not be of much help, I can tell you that ALL holidays for both me and my husband have been very depressing, both before my losses, as well as afterwards. This is because neither of us has had any family here ( we were the only ones from each family to move away 14 years ago, for his work ), so we've spent all major holidays with only ourselves. For many reasons, we couldn't fly back home to join them, either. Friends have almost always been too busy themselves to see us, and only 2 couples in all those years have ever even thought to include us , twice, in their holiday dinners....despite our honesty in telling them how holidays were hard on us. So we usually notice cars of families coming and going, get depressed and try to fill up some time doing simple, but pleasurable things for ourselves, but all the while knowing most other folks 'out there' are doing normal things that we can't partake in. After the losses of both my Mother and brother 1.5 years ago , in Jan. and Feb. of '04, respectively, holidays have become even more of a strain and I dread most of them now more than ever. The first Christmas afterwards (so last year ), I decided to cook a fairly traditional dinner deliberately so I could make a number of my Mom's standard dishes, the ones I'd loved and cooked at times myself, but not always all at once. Since I now had her china set ( a battle to get, so it's EXTRA special to me! ), and would be using it, I also decided it wouldn't be right to NOT decorate the house, even though I didn't feel up to the task, because never had I eaten from those plates when HER house wasn't decorated for Christmas. I also set a place for her at our table, also using a few other special pieces that she'd most liked, and set a picture of her on her plate. I toasted both her and my brother, crying like a baby, but I did it. The fact that I could hardly eat a thing didn't really matter. I was honouring their lives by including their spirits as if they were there in person. When I'd remember some memory from Christmas dinners past, I'd just talk about it then and there. I didn't care if my husband didn't like it....I'd given him fair warning in advance! As for other holiday traditions, luckily, being on our own for so long, we'd developed our own style anyway, but we toned down on even these last year, trying to do things that might uplift us a bit, like only opening one gift per day each, so we'd have something to look forward to for a few days. We did get invited out for Christmas dinner ( one of the two times over the 14 yrs. ), and I actually decided to decline, despite this caring jesture, as the woman was obviously not comfortable with the idea that I might be bursting into uncontrollable tears at any unpredictable time. I felt I owed it to MYSELF to honour my grief and if others couldn't handle it, then I couldn't subject myself to any more, unnecessary stress. This year promises to be just as hard, I think, so I will play it by ear, but will do whatever I think is best for ME, whether that's ignoring the holidays, or something in between. It certainly won't be anything to celebrate this year, either, and though I worry it may NEVER be again, I'll just take it one year at a time and see how I feel. As for Thanksgiving itself, luckily we never did do much for it, even WHEN at home ( it was hit and miss whether either of our moms wanted to put on a dinner ) but I know it'll be depressing, too, so we'll likely plan something else to do instead, and try to ignore it as best we can. I DO, however, plan on thinking of everything I possibly can that I'm truly grateful for, and saying it out loud....then see if I can cajole my husband into doing the same! For all I know, you live right around the corner from us and if you did, I would invite you over in an INSTANT on Oct. 10, to cry and share your sorrow through the meal, if that would help!

Rabiah Lily, Your soul-close connection with Rosie reminds me so much of mine with my beloved Sabin. Although I didn't get words per se from him, we were so in sync with each other that words were superfluous....though I'd yak away to him and his sister anyway. I'd often just KNOW what game he'd want to play, for example, even switching from one to another in mid-stride....and we liked the same games, too. And his sense of humour was so human, it even matched mine, so he could make me laugh so fully and deeply, as no one else ever could. But that in-tuneness also had its 'downside', as I also just knew one fall day that he wouldn't be with us for much longer. I tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid, but in the end, it wasn't more than 4 months later that he was suddenly gone, from cancer that didn't show any clinical signs until it was far too late. ( we did have him checked out soon after my 'knowing', but they found everything normal, and in fact, looking good ) So I know what that heart connection feels like, but unfortunately, it has seemed to me that Sabin was the catalyst for my ability that way, as I can't seem to recreate it with Nissa, his sister, no matter how hard I try. With him, there was no trying necessary - it just was. I suspect my enduring sorrow for his loss could account for my heart closing off enough to constrict this ability, but that's how it is, regardless. You are fortunate that you were able to even have tactile communications while Rosie was still here. That's pretty amazing and I envy you your enlightened-ness. I suspect that is, in large part, why you are still left here, that this is what you must nurture, as a testament and legacy to Rosie's and your deep bond. This is what the world needs to learn about. The possibilities and realities of how deep the human-other species connection can and does indeed go, when one is open to it. What bigger and better thing could they have ever taught us, intimate lessons aside? Perhaps, since I think cats in particular are so wise, she revised her plans and realized this was bigger than the both of you and that you should carry on to deliver this message to others before you joined her. I can tell you, you've certainly already done wonders for ME, just in unabashedly sharing these parts of your journey with Rosie! It's a rare soul I meet who is as sure of these kinds of connections as you are, and that helps me in turn to carry on as well. It helps my faith and warms my soul. I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find that once you've done whatever it is you need to still do on this planet, that you WILL be one of those few who simply wills themselves to leave, peacefully and consciously, when the time is right. As for just hopping on out to the market place to replace her.....what can I say? It's an abomination to me when people say such ignorant things. I realize not many have had such deep bonding with their animal companions, but please...it's an affront to someone grieving, and I always ask them if they would suggest such a thing were it a human child that was lost. ( of course, there are those who really would, and have! ) I also don't think it's quite correct to assume we will outlive our companions, as one never knows what can happen. For me, despite the pain it causes to me, I'd rather be the one left to mourn because I wouldn't want to inflict such agony on my beloved furbabies. At least we can assume, hope or know that they are experiencing peace while we are here in pain. We are bearing the pain for them and instead of them, and as such, it is a gift we can give back to them for all the love they showed us through their time here. No one deserves the peace they now have more than they do. Sabin was my soul-mate, too, and I don't even want him entertaining the thought of reincarnating! I'd rather he stay safe and loved and free without a body to worry about, than come back here to possibly suffer some more! Even if that means I'll be without him for many moons..... There IS little comfort for our sorrow, except for possibly the thought that our lives would have been far less enriched without our blessed furbabies to share a part of it, often the most meaningful part. I used to hate that quote about it being better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and never even really understood it to its depths until I lost Sabin. While I could have lived my life without him, and wouldn't have suffered as much as I did and still do if I hadn't lost him, I also wouldn't have had his great love and wisdom to help me through the other losses I've had since, and have yet to face. For that, I can be grateful. I still miss him and always will while I'm still here. I found this quote which sums up my sorrow over my boy perfectly, as it will for my gal when she is gone, too. "I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you." - author unknown-

Dear rabiahlily, Oh, I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out from your story about Rosie! What a dear, dear soul, and YOU, too! We're right on the same page in many ways and my heart is bursting with empathy for you. You did SO much right, and good, for her, and she for you. I know what you're saying, as our beloved furkids take on so many afflictions FOR US! My remaining furgirl ( now 18 ) also has CRF and so Rosie's battle is so near and dear to my own heart. I'm so glad you told that housecall vet to take a hike! ( I'm thinking of a very un-nice word for him right here! ) My gal has been receiving distance Reiki for 5 years, and hands-on from me, so I'm also glad you were able to give Rosie those benefits as well during her illness. I assume you know you can even use it to heal the past, if there's anything you think needs addressing there? Do you do much communication, that you were able to talk to her so much beforehand? (you're so fortunate, as I can't seem to get a handle on that, especially with my own girl - too emotionally involved) Yes, you do know all the right things....but that doesn't do much good when you're grieving, does it? I'm sure it will help in time, and even during the process, but it doesn't make much of a dent in the absolute PAIN of loss. Even though I received immediate visitations from my precious furboy, Sabin, starting the day or 2nd day after his transition, at the time it only made me miss him all the more....his touch, feel, voice.....everything! Sheer agony, and that's how it stayed for the first whole year. Even the 2nd year wasn't much better. All told, it was 3 years before I felt more 'normal' again, and I even had his sister to look after. She'd gotten diagnosed with renal insufficiency right after he left, and it's been a downhill progression since then. These words may not really sink in and help you for some time yet, but DO know that you went the extra mile for Rosie, and of COURSE she knows that. Especially with all your energy work, I'm sure it won't be long before you pick up signs all over the place from her, keeping your relationship alive and well, even from a 'distance', which you know is really not even a fur's-breath away. She is as close as the Reiki streaming through you. Our Reiki- lady, as I call her, has had MANY visitations from her 3 transitioned catbabies, all pretty powerful, and they've also each helped each other as each one crossed, to continue their work on the Other Side, to guide her with her remaining babies, and new additions to her flock. Just as Rosie will still be there for you, with you. And here, we'll be here for you, too, only a posting away, to share the pain, the memories, the loving visitations, anything and everything you need to make a connection with. ((((Blessings and angels' wings to uphold you and comfort you in your time of sorrow)))) Maylissa

Dear JenJen, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, and for the anxst you're going through now. Grief can be so confusing and disorganized, PLUS so personally different for many people ( yet with a ton of common threads and feelings ), that it's impossible to really slot it into any certain order or time-line. I've discovered that my second year without my Mom and brother ( who both passed in '04, w/i 2 months of each other ) has, in many respects, been harder than the first year....and you're only into your 6th month. For one thing, I've recently realized that due to the messy events after their deaths, I was actually somewhat still in shock for the better part of the first year. Even though I was wailing, etc., there were certain aspects of the grief that didn't fully come through until this second year. So I've had to regroup, start over in some ways with the process and try not to panic about where I'd be led from here on in. The last thing you need to do is to pile GUILT on top of everything, although I realize sometimes it, too, just needs to run its course. But you will grieve in your own way, in whatever time your self decides upon, and that's not a reason to feel guilty. The fact that you were so busy with the practical ( but still caring ) details because of your expertise, may be what stopped you from letting loose in the beginning, so maybe you're still in shock now, and haven't settled into more of the emotional response yet. Allow your body and mind to respond however they're going to, as giving yourself permission to be wherever you're at at any given moment, is half the battle. When we try to control that spontenaity, that's when we get stuck, or give ourselves further problems. As for your "evil" half-sisters.....oh yes I WOULD believe it! My last brother has acted like a devil-spawn ever since our Mother first went into hospital, and he hasn't stopped yet in his master plan to serve only himself. ( maybe you wouldn't believe the things my brother's done!? ) So you're not alone there, although I wish NO ONE had to wish for some company in their misery on that account! The memories of the sad and horrible times DO fade somewhat as one grieves, although it may take awhile. It's not like they're ever forgotten, but they don't feel quite as sharp-edged after some processing has ocurred. This processing can come in fits and starts, or in big, heavy chunks, but it does ocurr. That's why they say it's the 'work' of grieving. Every single thing you feel gets put into that soup, until eventually you can taste a flavour ( some progress ), but it's likely a rest-of-your-lifetime recipe, unique to your own cooking and time spent in the kitchen. Sometimes you'll fondly, yet bittersweetly remember a favourite ingredient you shared with your dad and that will go into the broth, too, to balance the whole mixture. When you've done more stirring you'll eventually have something more palatable that you can take cooler sips of. And all of us here will gladly join you in your kitchen to chat over cups of coffee whenever you'd like some company.

Dester and JCL, Dester, first let me say that I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother ( and father?). My Mom was 84 when she passed. I think you're doing the right thing in asking your mom to replace one smell with another...and I hope for your sake, she complies! I hear your ambiguity on this, wanting her around, but in a different fashion sort of. Perhaps, since you've acknowledged that it's HER ( for what better way for her to make her presense known than by the most familiar smell? ), she'll 'relax' and send you another type of sign instead. If you're still waffling on who it is, she might continue to send you the same sign until you're certain, because she wouldn't want you to doubt it's her and the fact that she's around you. This is a very common ADC particular ( After Death Communication ), as many people smell things like perfume, pipe tobacco, etc. from their loved ones. For me, I only WISH! My Mom has sent me a few little signs, one powerful dream visitation and I'm sure has been instrumental in setting a few things straight that went terribly wrong after her death, but I've been sitting here hoping for something more EXACT, such as what you're getting! Unfortunately, my Mom didn't have a favourite perfume, although she LOVED the smell of roses, so I was hoping she might send that....but nothing. If nothing else, consider yourself lucky that she's so persistent with/for you. She obviously loves you very much! JCL, Wow! That's pretty impressive a sign, too! I think it's wonderful that your mom gave you such a clear message! Isn't it so comforting to know that you're still being watched over, still have that relationship and can still get actual answers from your mom? It's fabulous when you are given a glimpse of the bigger picture, the interweavings of events, so that you can rest easier knowing that things are happening in the best way possible for the greatest good for all. Me, I've asked several times for my Mom's advise concerning the bad things my brother has done with her ashes, money, our father.....and haven't gotten a thing. Because it's not really concrete, I don't know if I should interpret a sign of 'nothing' as being that's what I should DO about things......NOTHING. I prefer when events just take on a life of their own, or something more obvious. I've even said to her, "Mom, please send me a sign that I can't MISS, cuz I'm rather dense about these things!"....and still nothing. I'm starting to feel very UNloved again because of it. I don't yet feel confident enough to rely ONLY on myself, my own judgements in my life, especially when I've felt so abandoned by everyone to begin with. This just feels like more abandonment. So you're both very fortunate to be experiencing these affirmations of continuing love and support from your moms. What a blessing!

JCL, I've read some of your previous posts and noticed we have some similarities in situations. I am also the youngest, and the same age as you, as well as being the only introspective child I think in the family. While I didn't know it at the time, it looks like my Mom was the center of the knot among many of the extended family, never mind our own. Although my Mom was in her 80's ( because I was born late in life ), it still doesn't seem right because my Mom was in her 50's when she lost her own mother....I wasn't really ready and also banked on time that wasn't there. I hoped and then expected, because she rallied for the umpteenth time, she'd have a while longer, would be in a home where I could visit her and work with hopefully a better staff than where she was, where she passed. I'll be into my second year as of this coming Jan. One of her many sisters, the one I talked to the most often and who I grew up being around, was the relative who hurt me the most. She seems to have some mental problems ( now in her early 80's as well ), which obviously got worse with the stress of her sister's illness, then death. Unfortunately, I was caught in the crossfire and she said some really hurtful things in trying to blame someone for her anxiety, even though she had many other, much more deserving targets. I'd forgive and forget, but I've already done this with her too many times before ( and she NEVER aplologizes ) and I just can't listen to those kinds of accusations anymore....not after my Mom's gone. So I'm left with another aunt who never cares about anyone else anyway, and a last one who has ignored my 2 attempts at connecting with her, though she lost her husband last year and I tried to be supportive. Then there's my cousin ( out of a million of them ) who keeps promising she'll call, and doesn't. My last brother is the main problem, of course and is the one we said from the get-go who ought to have been the sibling to go, but wasn't. My 'sister-in-law' is a problem in and of herself and also said so many hurtful things, both about me and my Mom, that I want nothing to do with her, either. I'm surrounded by toxic people who can't and won't sympathize with me. Then there are the friends from my past who've abandoned me, too. I've had nothing but failed attempts to restock my world with new friends, a new support network, but it's not working out. No matter what they SAY about supporting me, they don't want to let me talk about my losses, either, though they've all lost parents as well. Not one lousy person currently in my life has offered to let me talk about memories of my Mom, and when I interject with one in a conversation, their focus turns to something else. I expected they would know better what it's like, but no. I think my family history is too much for them to take ( and no one considers what it's like for ME, if it's too hard for them to even hear, much less live through ), so once again, the sins of the father are visited upon the child! I don't deserve this treatment, and that's what I'm railing about. I'm not the one who acted horribly, but I'm the one left out in the cold. IT'S NOT FAIR!!

Everyone, Although me and my Mom didn't have the healthiest relationship going, what makes her loss extra tough for me is that she was the only one in my entire family who I even had a strong bond with. So sometimes it's not even a matter of having a high quality relationship, but the fact that there was only one that really mattered. When you have a father who didn't love you, and siblings that weren't close either, and when you're the only 2 of the same gender in a family, it seems to make that bond that much more vital to your existence. Andwhen the rest of the family (those who are still alive, at any rate) shuts you out after your loss, it's that much worse. Although I have my own, tiny family unit, most of my former world disappeared within 2 months of my Mom's passing. I also just realized this week that I must have still been fairly numb with shock for the whole first year afterwards, and that's one of the reasons this second year seems even harder. Plus, with over a year of waiting and hoping someone in the family might step forward after having abandoned me, and nothing like that has happened, it's that much more depressing now. Now I really feel the total impact of having lost everyone I've known since birth, with the loss of just one person...my Mom.

Hi Eliza! I hadn't even realized you'd posted back to my query! Must be my blurry eyes. I'm SO glad to hear you've been so proactive with your grief, as I know that helps. From what I remember ( which is more than I care to at times ), my more 'peaceful' moments for the first year were usually exhaustion, but they were wecome relief anyway from the tears and burn in my heart. I knew right away, too, that it was going to take me longer than most to ever feel more normal again. My husband guessed 2 years, I said more than 2....I 'won'.....whoopie....it was 3. I don't know that I've ever even met anyone else who took so long, but it is what it is. I'ts so good that you found a counselor who understands. Mine was/is darn good, too, although I know she doesn't quite see animals the same way I do, but she certainly respects the way I view them, so good enough. I had tried a local pet loss support group too, but hated what they did to my contribution to their newsletter, so I quit going after only one meeting! In fact, it was only this year, 5 years later, that I tackled that problem, and with the new President being the first phone support person I'd talked to from the group, it was not only resolved, but Sabin got 'published' for a second time. So it's good to be proactive. And yes, that was my posting you read on the other site ( I had a few, in different threads ), and as you've now noticed, yes, that's his name. My furgirl is Nissa, his sis. A friend of mine used to joke that their names were really Nissan and Subaru. :-) which I found very amusing. And no, I haven't seen your posting there, but I wish I had, and I'll check it out now! I'm just glad you found it as helpful a site as most do ( isn't the steady stream of like-minded folks wonderful?! ). I don't often visit it right now, because I've had to REwork my grief for my boy after being on there a few weeks, and I STILL find it distressing to say the least, reading too many postings...cuz I want to help, but it still brings up my own issues about Sabin. I'll have to order that book you mentioned, as I can never have enough of those kinds. I haven't yet recontacted the communicator I used years ago after Sabin's passing, but I wonder if you would pass on the name of the person you tried? I'm always on the lookout for alternatives, in case I find one who's better at it ( I know how variable it can be, as I've tried a few over the years ) - you could use the PM if you don't want to say it publicly. I'm also happy you found enough in the reading to give you comfort, and keep in mind sometimes what doesn't make sense at first sometimes does later. I remember the best one I ever found ( who's out of commission this year, unfortunately ), mentioned a particular red ball Sabin had regrets about always hiding on us in his early years. I remembered no such ball, but she assured me that WHEN I found it, I'd KNOW it was the one. Well, lo and behold, about a year later, I did find it, underneath some stuff in the basement ( hidden again! ), and I got chills as I picked it up, realizing that it was the very first ball I'd ever given them, an old ball from MY youth no less! They had so many other balls since then, that's why I hadn't remembered it even existed. So you just never know... It's also good to know your other 2 darlings are doing their best to help you out. It IS what they do, isn't it? As for me and my Little Nis', she's going through a tougher period again ( and therefore, so am I ) , but looks very forward to her daddy getting home in the evening to pester her, in ways I've never been able to bring myself to do, though she LOVES it from HIM! I KNOW that my grieving mood since losing my Mom and brother affects her deeply, as she's a total emotional and energy sponge....so Mom isn't too good for her oftentimes. Talk about your GUILT for having to grieve!! As I have to get started on dinner now, I'll write NEXT time about my ADC's from Sabin, as there are a few....and thank you for being interested, as I LOVE sharing these stories about him, as they're such a testament to our unbreakable bond, and a much happier story than his passing. Thank you, too, for being a friend to ME. Your presence makes a positive difference to me and I value it. Chat again soon and hope your healing continues uninterrupted, even if slow. Blessings, Maylissa

Marty, Well, oh my God, did I cry! How lovely it is when someone can put these things in words so eloquent. I should make my own list, as I've shared even more things than this with both of my furbabies. Except now, things are in the later stages of this piece, with my girl spending most of her time snoozing, and she'd like me to join her more often, but someone has to get the necessities done ( as is always the case in human life ) and so I feel guilt.....a LOT.....because I know how true these words are and how precious every single second is when we still have someone we love here in the world with us. In fact, I think I should go give her some scritches and kisses instead of sitting here writing about what I'm missing out on right NOW. Thank you for sharing this reminder, and the memories of my oh-so-cherished days with my gal's brother, my soulmate, my Sabin.

Hi Eliza, I've been wondering how you've been doing? It recently struck me that you may have suffered some Post Traumatic Stress from your young loss of Tigger, which also may have some impact today on your grief with Winnie. Have you ever looked into this? Anyway, hoping you are still around, albeit still grieving, I'm sure. My thoughts are still with you.

JCL, Yes, one has to wonder if these people are treating everyone this way.I suppose it's not just reserved for we special few, but who knows? I KNOW my cousin is disorganized and usually very busy ( she has her own problems in her own family ), but what puzzles me is that she's also always been rather generous , more importantly, she was the one who initiated contact with me, not the other way around. Why would someone bother doing that, and keep doing that, if they had no intention of following through? The only answer I can come up with is that they have a problem with wanting to appear to be good people. And yet, I grew up with her around, and she really was a very nice person, so I really don't get it. All I know is, 2 more days have now passed and I still haven't heard from her. I've allowed for the distinct possibility that she ended up getting called back into work ( that happens alot with her - she's generous and will take other's shifts for them ) and so couldn't phone. But I'd still think that one could then call and explain. Even if someone isn't the most empathetic person in the world, these kinds of behaviours are just plain RUDE, and who in their right mind would want to be viewed like that?! I also got this same kind of run-around from a 'friend' of mine who I've known for over 30 years, and she's STILL playing these games with me. It's a harder decision for me to just end this with her though, because we have a supposedly impending book deal ( she's set the stage on her own so far ) that had been a dream of ours in the works, that I've already given my permission for the use of my part of the material, and don't want to get screwed financially should I just drop her, or tell her what I REALLY feel about her treatment of me. But it's the same garbage....promises, promises. They're all parasites, feeding off the goodwill of others, if you ask me, and I've gotten so sick and tired of it that I've now literally BECOME sick and tired! Is it just me, or do you too wonder at the inconceivable odds that none of these people have ever learned a valuable lesson about how to treat others in their whole lives? What really puzzles me the most, is that both my cousin and this friend each lost their fathers early in life.....so you'd think they'd KNOW how it is, what we need, when grieving. It can't even just be that they DID receive alot of support for their loss and so don't understand how much is needed, because, in MY case, I've already griped to each of them about how I was left out in the cold with family and other friends, so they can't claim ignorance on that. "Insensitive" is an understatement!!!!

I just spent the last 3 days waiting for yet another promised phone call, with its inherent promise of support, only to be bitterly disappointed yet again. I had one, lone cousin who had contacted me awhile after my Mother and brother died. She had promised at that time to call me again w/i a couple of weeks, to talk more. My main plea to her involved just having someone who had shared some of my past, in younger years, to share memories of my Mom and brother, since the 2 remaining members of my immediate family were a complete wash in that area. She promised to call. When weeks, then months, went by with still no call, I broke down and called her back. She apologized, we talked more, and she swore she'd then call within a few more weeks. It has now been about 8 months. I'd just received a 6-wk.belated birthday card from her in the mail, where she said she had some pictures she'd be sending of my Mom in younger years ( I'd asked if she or her mom had any they could copy for me ), AND that she had time off and would call on Sept. 16,17, or 18th. She also mentioned that she's hardly talking to her own mother anymore and she'd explain all that, too. Her mother is the aunt of mine who bombed out on me when my brother died after my Mom, and is one of my Mom's sisters. This cousin knew all about what had happened between us. So I had foolishly gotten my hopes up again, thinking NO ONE is that specific if they don't mean it, and figured I'd be hearing all about what took her so long to finally call me. WRONG AGAIN. When Sunday night was almost over, I realized she had broken her promise again, for sure. My husband suggested I could always call HER again, and ask what happened. But I CAN'T! At this point, it would feel WAY too much like begging for crumbs of support that no one in this family is willing, by their own volition, to give me. THAT'S not support in its true sense - that's only a feeling of obligation, or being coerced, and not the same thing at all! Even if her plans had changed, one would think that out of common courtesty ( maybe not common at ALL anymore! ), she would have called just to let me know this plan would be delayed...especially since she's screwed up the exact same thing twice before! How do people sleep nights, acting like this to others?! I know I would never do something like that to anyone, especially if I'd actually promised, and most especially in writing! I'm left feeling like I really don't matter much, my grief doesn't matter much, my Mother's life didn't matter much. And how do I pull myself out of my ongoing depression, when situations just like this one only serve to reinforce those kinds of thoughts, the same ones that are bringing me such pain?

sd01/donnasan, I'm very sorry you have to go through this kind of nonsense, too, after the loss of your parents. We could almost be sisters in our very similar situations! I know well the rage and frustration and tears this kind of thing brings up, when you're least prepared and able to deal with it, as my situation is very much the same....another dysfunctional family, as you were wondering about! My Mother and I were the closest in our family of 5. I'm also the youngest, AND the only daughter. I had two brothers, but the eldest one died only 2 months after my Mother, and HE was the only one I was then talking to. We'd conversed for the 6 months our Mom was institutionalized, like yours, with several illnesses, although she was first hospitalized ( then taken to a rehab. center, where she ended up dying ) from a mild stroke, and then died from a massive one. My brother also died from the same kind of stroke ( in part, from all the stress involved ), but his was massive from the start and he never regained consciousness while on life-support. My father had severe dementia through the entire time ( and obviously for years before, though no one but my Mom knew ), sold their home without anyone knowing at first, and pretty much ALL of the contents, including personal and sentimental items like our family photos, were either burned by him or sold as well. My remaining brother ( the middle kid, handicapped....but ruthless ) lived only 5 minutes by car from where our Mother was, but refused to visit her in all of those 6 months. Like your situation, he was told by my other brother that she was dying, but he didn't care, and replied that he'd "get it all in the end anyway", so money was his only concern. I also don't live where the rest of them did/do, yet talked to my Mom the most. This self-serving brother tried to put our father in a retirement residence, as our father hadn't thought of where he'd even live after the house was sold ( thought he'd just move in with this brother, w/o asking ), but he was found lost, trying to find the senior's complex, so was taken to the hospital and shortly thereafter placed in a home, where he remains today. THEN this brother failed to sign the contract for the home, OR pay them monthly for his care and housing, so our father had to become a ward of the Province.....just as my Mom had had to become, but due to my father's imcompetencies. The Province, so far, hasn't done their job very well at all, and I suspect they never WILL find all of the money that our parents had ( not even the proceeds from the house sale, which was fairly substantial by itself ), which my brother has obviously hidden or used up for himself. I am left with the choice of doing nothing, or paying a lawyer to find out if there's any hope of getting any future inheritance back ( not likely, I suspect, especially after lawyer's fees factored in )....in other words, whether my brother will get away with his less-than-honourable tactics. And this part of my story is really only the tip of the iceberg, as so much more happened both before and after my 2 losses. So, yes, there are SOME of us out here who know how debilitating these situations are! As for advise, I'm still trying to figure alot of that out myself, but HAVE focused more on trying to get help and support for ME before tackling the rest of it....sometimes that meant dealing with BOTH areas at the same time, sometimes not having the energy or will to do more than one.

Dear Marty, Well, I DO have to thank you for replying...of course I knew that you monitor these forums, but wasn't looking necessarily for your personal response, although I always find yours to be so understanding and helpful for more than just the person you're responding to! Yes, I know that sometimes others either can't relate to one's particular posting, or that they may not have the energy at that time....I was just hoping nonetheless, also knowing that they can get buried under newer posts. I guess I'm just feeling rather desperate about my losses - there's so much ground to yet cover it seems, and because I've postponed this one so long, I'm worried that I'll bury it myself, and it will come up much later when life may have thrown me yet another curveball. I felt this might have been my chance to finally start the ball rolling with this one. I also realize that sometimes PM's occur, and actually have been taking part in that method with one of my other losses ( for which I'm VERY grateful! ), but of course one can't do that as effectively unless a dialogue is first started on the boards somehow. It just felt, as I said, like another dose of what I've already received from my non-supportive family, and I had to vent THAT as well! I have noticed before that sometimes such a plea elicits help, support or sharing ( all forms of support, to my mind ) when none has presented itself previously. I just didn't know what else to add to my own topic, without some kind of feedback first....strange for me, as I'm not usually at a loss for words or feelings, which tells me something's going on inside that I'm not aware of yet. Maybe I've simply been overloaded with griefs.....I really don't know anymore. As for all the 'hits' on my topic, that could have simply been me , checking several times/day if anyone had replied, since the tracking feature doesn't seem to be working properly! Anyway, it's still good to know at least someone's 'out there' reading and understanding what I've written.

babysmommy, Just thought I should let you know, for safety's sake, if you're keeping Baby's body right now, if you have a deep-freeze, you should store him in there. That's what was suggested to me, when I was as yet undecided as to whether I would cremate, bury at home or use a pet cemetary. Bodies decompose quite quickly if not kept very cold, and if someone notices any odour, you could be in for trouble. And if you do bury, if it's not on land you own, you may get charged if caught. If you bury in your yard, local bylaws should be checked first, as while many places allow this for small animals, usually you must bury 3 feet deep, minimum, so as not to attract other animals who may dig for the body. Depending on what the local bylaws state, and also what local animal crematoriums allow, you also may or may not be able to take up a body again, for later cremation. Sorry to be so graphic, but these are things you must know, for yourself and for Baby's body's safety.

Okay, so now I'm rather angry on top of everything. I would have expected at least ONE response to my first posting about my brother's death, after having given this a few days. I know this site is somewhat quiet yet, being newer ( don't know HOW new), but this feels just like the lack of response I got from my family, with his death. I guess sibling loss ISN'T that important.

Dear Admin., I just joined this site recently and rather like it, but I've noticed the "tracking" options don't seem to work. When I check either or both of them off, I don't normally receive a notification email to let me know someone has posted to a certain forum, yet find a new one when I manually check. I don't know how old or new this site is ( I gather it's rather new ), but so far I find it pretty quiet, with not many responses to anyone's postings. I know this isn't really your fault, but are there more ways you could get the word out about this site? The one I was using more is much more active, but I just found those using it weren't as clear, explanatory or expressive about things as the people on this site generally are, so I really would prefer to make this one my mainstay while I still feel a need for these sites. I also REALLY enjoy Marty's postings ( and articles ). Not only are they very helpful and insightful, and worded very nicely, too, but it shows she's actually monitoring what's going on in the forums.....a welcome change from most sites! So thanks for this place....if it could only get more active!

Although I lost my Mother just over a year and a half ago, naturally, the pain is still with me.....not to as great an extent, but a pain that will never go away completely. I also had a special bond with my Mom, despite all our difficulties through the years ( and there were oftentimes many! ), as we were the only 2 females in our family, and I was the daughter she'd always wanted after having 2 sons. I was the only one, at the end, who truly loved her...the 3 men, including my father, never had much clue as to what love meant. I was the only one really looking into her healthcare needs during her 6 months of institutionalized illness, but wasn't physically there to check into things in an obvious fashion, so she suffered greatly at the hands of 'caregivers' and my family alike. She was really the only family I had, since no one else communicated, willingly, with anyone else. She was MY glue, if no one else's. I lost all but 1 or 2 relatives after both she and my brother died the same year, and so I feel her loss all the more. The sisters of hers I talked to, who all sound very similar, I no longer have to talk to - they all quit calling, as if I don't exist without her.......and that's how I feel in some ways. Extended relatives didn't even realize how close she and I were all these years....they never sat down to think about it, or just notice. They seem to think, just because I didn't live in the same city anymore, that I don't suffer daily from her absence. I have one, lone tape of her and I talking when she was in hospital ( I was recording conversations with staff, in case they screwed up again and caused her death, which the doctors almost did at least once )......I can only play it once a year, because it tears me apart so badly....she was doing so well in her 2nd recovery ( after the medical mistake ) at that time....to know she didn't make it just about kills me.