Maylissa

Padre, I apologize for not responding to your posting much earlier, but have found I'm still dealing more with my Mother's loss, even though, ironically, I first joined this particular board to try and start dealing with my brother's death ( 2 months after my Mom's ). So I guess you could say I'm still not really dealing with his death at all! However, what you said about those feelings coming up during your visit with family did make me think. Were there any event like that in my future ( not at ALL likely - a long story ), I'm quite sure that's when my own brother's death would hit me anew as well. I think we sometimes need these particular triggers to really bring it home for us. In my case, since I'd only renewed communication with this brother in the last 6 months before our Mother passed away, it's not like I've had a lot of more recent experiences with him to draw upon, and I suspect that has at least something to do with my not feeling as much as I might otherwise. We'd been estranged, in a matter of speaking, for about 14 years before that, so my major memories of him revolve around much earlier times. And I can't say that we were ever good friends, either, so that all leaves me rather in limbo with his death. You probably find you can't relate too well with my situation....another reason I hesitated to write at all. I'm finding there aren't many who seem to have similarities in my circumstance surrounding my brother's death, so it's hard for me to even get started on processing this loss.

Lita, Since it looks like you're trying to reply here, I thought I'd give you a few pointers. If you click on the "add reply" button, and not the "Reply or +Quote buttons, you'll get a blank page to write on. If you click the "Reply button instead, you can quote only the sections you want quoted by using your mouse to highlight and then delete what you don't want quoted, as explained next. You can probably also go back and delete all or most of your attempted replies ( that only contain the quotes of my posting ) by clicking on the "edit" button on your postings, then click either the "full edit" or "quick edit" ( not completely sure what the complete one has, as I've not used it yet ) and then use your mouse to highlight everything you want erased, then use your "delete" button on your keypad to erase it all. Then click the "complete edit" button to resubmit the edited post....cuz I don't think this site has a strict "delete post" button, to make the operation faster. K? Hope that helps and that I've explained it properly! BTW, the edit buttons are hard to see as they're currently superimposed upon other writing underneath your post, so look carefully for them. Maylissa

Lita, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Sandy Clarese. But I'm so grateful that you rescued her from an earlier, more certain demise and were able to give her, and she you, 7 more loving and loved years together.What a wonderful thing you did! No matter our profession in life, when you love someone, the grief is much the same. It might help you to read some of Marty T.'s numerous articles about loss on this site, as she is both a therapist and a ( seasoned ) griever. Please take some hope from all of us here that you can and will go on, though the way is so hard and dark, especially in the earliest phases of mourning. We are here to give voice to our intense feelings and thoughts, to help each other climb out of those holes of despair by listening, sharing and giving insight where we can....but mainly to support each other in our common heartache, one that is too often ignored or ridiculed by the world. But here...here we are blessed with and by others who truly understand how grievous the loss of a furbaby can be, in innumerable ways. If it helps, I understand how one, small creature can fill so many roles that are otherwise lacking in our lives. I consider that my own, my Sabin ( feline ), was my child, teacher, pal, soulmate, mother AND father figure at times and even a quasi-spouse at other times. To this day, I have a feeling that we must have been married in another lifetime. He was my rock. When and if you are able, please come back to tell us more about your own furchild and how special she is to you.

Skye, I could listen to you all the time. You are an inspiration to me, even after just a short time in your mourning period, as compared to 6 years in mine for my Sabin ( and 2 years for my Mom and brother ). It's funny...an energetic healer had told me, way back, to try as best I could to sink down into the deepest part of my grief and that's how I'd find the most healing. I tried at the time, but just couldn't do it because it hurt so badly. But because of your words and recent experience, now I wonder if I would have had the same feeling of my boy being right there, too, had I been more courageous. You speak of the wise way of living with a heart broken wide open, and I know inside what you mean, but I haven't been as successful at it as you seem to be. I know the value of living that way, and have experienced some of the wonders of that path, yet my heart still shrinks at times, in fear of more pain. At the same time, I'm still one of those individuals who 'wears their heart on their sleeves'. It's a constant battle between the two forces...fear and love. You're to be commended for being able to live that way, especially in the throes of your grief. Your unborn child is very fortunate, to have a mother like you to pass on Akasha's great lessons to him/her. Our furkids are truly remarkable in their willingness and ability to love and teach, aren't they? Who could NOT have the utmost respect and love for them? Well, plenty of people - those who have never opened their hearts to all they have to offer, if they would but watch and listen. On this Thanksgiving holiday ( for many of you, though not us in Canada ), may we raise our glasses in a toast to all our wonderous, blessed companions, those in form and those in spirit, those who have blessed our lives by their presence, to those who live free and wild whom we haven't known personally, and those who have been bound to suffer at the hands of man. They are all potential healers and teachers ~ may they all be blessed and continue to teach us. Namaste! Maylissa

Marty, That was one of the best analogies I've ever heard ~ grief is like an amputation. And the longer one has had that 'limb' ( that special someone ) and considered it to play a vital part in one's life, the harder it is to have it suddenly missing. I also appreciated what you said about "accepting" death; that it's not really acceptable, at all, ever, in our hearts. This is how I've always felt about it and yet it's not what we're accustomed to hearing. But I think it's certainly more truthful. I will be spreading these views around from now on, as I think they're so helpful to the understanding of grief. Thank-you for that!

Dear Marty, Thank you very much for yet another thougthful and helpful response to my problem. The care and concern you show for all members here is a wonderful thing to behold. I'm also glad you thought to include the whereabouts of the guidelines for this site. The example you provided makes a good point quite nicely, and while I tried to apply that reasoned approach to this latest incident, I'm left with a bitter taste in my mouth now, mainly because neither the administrator or moderator of this other board has seen fit to respond to my concern. I did alert them both to the post in question, although it's not quite as easily accomplished as on this site, despite the fact that there is supposed to be an easy means to do so. Perhaps you had forgotten, but I did have a similar problem on this board too, not too long ago, but the telling difference was your quick intervention and follow-up to rectify it, for which I'm now even more grateful, as I haven't had the same problem here since. I'm actually rather surprised that I'm having this problem on this other site, as the site comes highly recommended and their guidelines for posting are very clearly stated and quite extensive. While the moderators don't seem to have the necessary training, the founder certainly does. I have discovered that they aren't following their own, stated rules, as the moderators are the ones who are supposed to take care of matters such as this, yet I was referred to the administrator instead. I also don't know what the criteria for their moderators are, as this isn't stated. I will certainly have to rethink whether this other site is a suitable place or not. Unfortunately, there don't seem to be many at all that would meet all the criteria you suggested, at least that I've found. So thank you for all the good information, and the wonderful support! ( and I see the smilies are working now! )

jeepxtreme, Wow...you got some really 'expert' advise here from some other members! So, WHAT THEY SAID. Plus, to shed some more light, you aren't quite the same person you were, any more than any of us are after a loss ( or several ), so it's normal to feel that way, too, as it's REAL. How could we be the same? Any change in our lives changes something inside us, so certainly a major loss makes for some pretty big inner upheaval. Many people see some changes for the good afterwards, but this is usually, from what I've heard, quite some time in the future, not soon afterwards. It's a long journey back to the new normal, which likely doesn't feel much like the old normal. I know this sounds bleak, but then I'm still mourning, too, and yet I've seen at least some better changes in myself, even though it's only been about 2 years for me since my last losses ( mother and brother, in 2 months' time ). This doesn't come fast and furious enough for my liking, but at least it's come somewhat. It's enough, I suppose, to give me at least a little hope for my future self. I might add though, that there are still days when I don't seem to truly care much about anything, not the way and with the same intensity that I used to. I hate that part.

Dear Mokie, Yes, I know, sweetie, how unbearable that pain is and how it can make you feel totally panicked because it just doesn't stop. And you're right - after the holidays it probably will be a bit better. These occasions can be really, really tough during grief because they're so filled with memories and expectations and when those can't be met anymore, it almost doubles the heartbreak. Perhaps you should consider calling a Crisis Line, if you're feeling that desperate. I think the only reason I never did was because I was able to get some help from those phone volunteers from the pet loss support group. While my husband was grieving too for awhile, he worked through it FAR faster than I did, which surprised, angered and disappointed me, as it made me think that he didn't care nearly as much as I did about our boy, so I felt even more alone and unempathized with in my grief. I HAD to talk to someone else, someone who had felt just as bad ( or close enough ) as I was and really knew how devastating it was. Just knowing someone else cares enough to help you get more help can ease some of that panic and pain, and certainly a Crisis Line should have a list of possible resources that might fit your needs, aside from being there to listen and support you at any time of the day or night. Also, something I was thinking about going to a group setting ( I know you don't favour this idea, but... ) is that it's more than likely you could get the incredibly - healing benefit of physical touch there, in the form of hugs or pats. It's something we often overlook as being so very beneficial when we're in pain and yet it can help so much. I know whenever my counselor would give me a soft little rub or pat when I was really distraught, I immediately felt more understood and cared for. And if there was one thing I noticed in both animal and human loss groups, it was that those who were the most visibly distraught got immediate sympathy from many others in the group. Anyone's tears opened up everyone's hearts very wide. I personally think there's no substitute for another's physical presence when grieving, but that's me... I suspect what you want, more than even the best support system in the world, is just to have Smokey back, and I truly wish I could provide you with this, your heart's deepest desire, just as much as I wish I could do the same for myself and for everyone else here. But we both know that's not possible, and unfortunately, the road we must all walk entails having to seek out and find any aids we can for ourselves, in whatever ways feel okay, or maybe just tentatively possible for us. I can really only suggest things I've done myself, or heard of others doing. For me, that also included getting an animal communicator so I could talk to my boy again, which I've done 2x's at least ( one time I'm not convinced about ) out of 3. I don't know if you're open to that but I'm putting it out there anyway. It was something else I, personally, needed. And although one experience of this was actually kind of negative for me, it still helped in some ways ( it's a long story ). Some other people have turned to clergy, but one first has to be sure what their views are on animals, lest you get hurt by a non-understanding ear. I'm so sorry...I empathize so much with what I imagine is your breathlessness when that utter desolation comes up inside, as I've been there, too. It really DOES ease up in time, but waiting for those moments of a little relief is such a strain. There just aren't words enough to describe it, so tears become the only passage through it.

Dear Jwartrily, I'm very sorry for your heartbreak with the loss of your beloved Abby. You sound like me, taking a long time to stop crying ( although it took me even longer, actually ), and finding your beloved furbaby was your soulmate who gave you more of what you felt you needed in this world than anyone else did/does. It was and is the same for me with my Sabin (cat). So it doesn't surprise me to hear you say that this one-year anniversary is so hard for you. I was a mess for anniversaries 1 through 3. However, it's also perfectly and absolutely normal for anniversaries, birthdays and other occasions to bring up the same intense feelings as when we first lost our beloved ones. While it may help some to know this is completely common, I think what we really want is something to just take that intense pain away, or at least dull it to where we had progressed to before. Unfortunately, there is no easy out and one must just allow those feelings to surface - hence the truism about there not being any way around grief, but only through it. It's just as true on each important date, or any other time that arises, as it is in the beginning. I think it's very important on such dates to honour both our feelings and our loved one by taking time out to do something special to help you get through it. For me, I'd take the phone off the hook, play my CD of sad and poignant 'grief' songs, sometimes write in a journal for Sabin, light a candle to bring him close and generally just give myself full permission to feel as lousy as I was going to feel anyway...plus give my husband the head's-up about how I would be feeling and what my plans were to memorialize Sabin for the day....so that he would understand my mood and try not to do anything to upset me further that day! ( doesn't always work, but it's worth a shot! ) I've noticed a number of people also use these boards on those days, as a means of letting out some of those emotions that plague us on difficult days. I'm glad you've found this board and hope you can find compassionate hearts and helpful suggestions here, whenever you need them, for whatever part of your journey. No one comes to these places unless we're needing some help in some way, so you're not alone in that need. I hope the 27th and 28th will be days that bring more healing for you, no matter how it feels in the moment.

Rameyw, You're entirely right...it doesn't matter WHAT the species of our loved one(s), the heartbreak is the same if we've had a special bond with them. Please accept my utmost sympathy for the loss of your special horse. Although I've never had the privelege to know a horse intimately, I love them as much as any other creature and know that they're very sensitive, wise and loving creatures. I also wanted to mention that it was either a link from Marty T on this site, or somewhere else I came across, to a dedicated grief site for horse lovers. I don't know if you've even checked for one, but I know there's something out there. As for speaking to your niece, yes, one has to be extra careful with one's heart at such times when trying to find help for our disenfranchised grief, as there are more people who don't understand than there are that do. There aren't a whole lot of counselors in every part of the world who are trained ( either through education or personal experience - the latter the better, I think ) in companion animal grief. I know one who I contacted via email locally, didn't even have the decency to reply back when I asked if she had any experience with this type of loss. So be careful, and trust your gut instincts/intuition on this.

Hi. Some other things I've come across that aren't working properly are the email notifications of responses in forums. Yesterday I got 6 notifications in a row, some of which I'd already been notified of the previous day or two, one other that sent me to the wrong thread thru the link, and a PM that superimposed itself overtop a thread. To read that one, I had to go to my "New Messages" control, rather than using the link that should have taken me there automatically. The 'smilies' still aren't working and only come up on a posting as the code for them, and still can't be viewed as icons, either...and yet the icons below the posting still work normally. I still don't understand what some of the newer buttons are for, eg. the plus and minus signs at the bottom of the posting area, or the quote button versus the "reply" button at the right, bottom of the posting area. The quote seems to do nothing, and the "reply" puts the post in quote mode. I've just noticed the "wrap in a quote" icon up top here, so will try it next time, because the "reply" button also doesn't box the quote, but just uses the code for the quoted section - really messy-looking. I don't understand why [ call me stupid if you will! :-) ] why the "Check Post Length" button, since I was under the impression there was no word limit on posts. I simply haven't tried clicking it yet to see what it does, so if this is a stupid comment, please forgive me my ignorance! As for other features, just haven't had the time to try some of them out.

Well, this makes TWO times in the last month that I've been attacked on 2 different boards ( this last time, not on this one )for daring to talk about different beliefs about death and concepts related to death and grief. I wish I could say that I let it pass like water off a duck's back, but I can't. Every time this has happened to me, I feel so belittled and unworthy to share my own feelings and beliefs about things. My feelings are walked over, with the attackers seeming to think they're the only ones grieving, and so my feelings are miminized, pushed into the background, while their feelings are put forth as all and only-important. I'm so ANGRY about this!! Is this a normal behaviour after a loss - to attack others for talking about different ideas?! It reminds me of how life was in my own, stupid, completely-intolerant family, where I was also made to feel like an outsider, an alien...a feeling I've carried with me all the days of my life. I feel like I don't belong anywhere on this planet. While society applauds 'new' thinkers, and that is indeed, how we've advanced in some ways throughout history, it seems like I'm a black sheep if I even mention another thinker's ideas! Are we all just supposed to be lemmings, then, following blindly in the footsteps of others who got pushed off the cliff because they couldn't think for themselves?! It's hard enough to go through this grief, work and rework beliefs to try our best to find some comfort for ourselves so that we can continue to be of some use to society, without getting verbally blasted for trying! This last attack ocurred over the phrase "It was their time to go", when someone asked for other's thoughts on the whole concept. I simply put forth what theories I've read and heard about regarding this idea - never even said that those were necessarily my beliefs....and the next thing I knew, someone else was attacking me, as if I'd told them that this was the only way to look at this. They ignored other's responses that not only supported the general idea I'd written about, but also their agreement with the general concept. It was ME, alone, who got attacked! I even wrote back, staying calm in my response, trying to give this person the benefit of the doubt ( since they hadn't seemed to have understood my first posting at all )...and got blasted even WORSE the second time! While I'd ( surprisingly ) found some comfort from this phrase, they sarcastically responded as if I'd told them THEY had to as well, which I by no means hadn't. What's WITH some of the people on these boards?!?! I repeat, is this kind of attack to be expected on every board out there? There are guidelines to writing on every, single grief board I've even seen, yet there are those who unilaterally decide that those suggestions don't apply to them. The result? Now I don't feel boards are very safe places to talk about certain things that are important to some of us, things some of us NEED to talk about relating to our grief. I'm not naive enough to think that the abusive, intolerant types of people like my family-of-origin aren't also out there in the world, but to keep finding them on grief boards, where our natural compassion usually brings out the best in us, despite our individual flaws, is so disheartening! Where else are we supposed to go to talk about this stuff? As most guidelines state: we can disagree, but no personal attacks allowed, keep it sensible in your disagreement, don't tell others that their spiritual beliefs are flat-out wrong, etc. And what's the point of apologizing, even for something you didn't do wrong, when you just get attacked again?! In fact, as I vent here about something that really upset me, I'm already feeling as if I don't have a right to be upset....that's what attacks do to me and it's just more intense when I'm already feeling vulnerable from my losses. This person was also implying that her loss was worse than mine ( when I hadn't even mentioned what my losses specifically were anyway ) and that I should "walk a day in (her) shoes!" I'm thinking that possibly a lot of fine people simply LEAVE grief boards when things like this happen ( as I'm now considering doing ), and we never hear about it because they're so upset they don't tell anyone and just GO, never to return. I know I've heard directly from others when they leave, all upset for even lesser reasons. I realize, too, that when grieving, we're extra-sensitive to all sorts of things ( been there, done that, still do ), but that's WHY there are guidelines. They're sort of like a mini-counseling course in how to communicate better with people. I'm thankful that this particular board IS monitored and not just blindly left to survive on its own. But I'm now so sensitized to this kind of reaction that I wouldn't be terribly surprised to get attacked for THIS venting, because this is another one of those unspoken topics that's out there, but no one wants to air, just because it's so 'tricky' to handle. But please, if you disagree with me on some point, do so as politely or rationally as you can, and use words like "I feel", "I disagree because...", and the like, rather than words that imply a "how DARE you?!" approach. My thicker skin is stretched a little thinner these days.....Am I the only one this has happened to?..cuz it sure looks that way.

Luma, It's not silly at all! I bought fresh flowers for Sabin for about 2 months, then switched to some nice dried grasses, since tall grass was his favourite. They still sit beside one of his pictures. We also eventually had a shadow box custom-built ( 2 years later, they're in all the stores! -figures )and I filled it with mementoes of him. Six years later, though, I still haven't found the perfect frame for the tribute I wrote for him, or one for his list of nicknames ( about 20 some-odd! ), so 'his' wall still isn't completed. We do them an honour to remember them in as many ways as we can...

Dear Luma, Oh, poor you, and poor Chino! My heart breaks for both of you! But I'm glad you're finding some peace in having Sookie's ashes there with you. You could always do a little memorial space around them if that would help, too....a candle, a picture, a special toy. I assume you've explained to Chino what happened to his mate? I've heard it helps them to know where they went and why, especially important when their pal didn't go at home, for them to see for themselves. Sabin did pass at home, so I didn't have to explain to Nissa, and she actually didn't show any interest in his body, though she missed him terribly in the coming days and months. Animals seem to have a better understanding, or maybe memory?, of crossing over than we do, but they may not understand what happened and be worried about their own security in the family if they weren't present when their pal crossed. I know it's still going to be pretty lonely around there for both of you, but try to take some comfort in each other's presence. Nissa really came into her own after awhile, surprising and delighting us with her new-found Nissaness..still our girl, but more so. I'll be here for you the whole time, whenever you need a cyber-shoulder to lean on. Blessings and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Maylissa

Luma, You could always write down all those adorable things Sookie did, knowing that one day you'll be able to look back on them with more smiles than tears. I did some of that for Sabin and am glad I did, because many of those things I just don't remember until Nissa does something that reminds me, and when she's gone, I won't have those triggers to recall them. Yes, the wishing for our babies to still be here IS terrible and can't be helped for awhile. I know what a shock it is to have feelings of such incredible intensity. It took me years and years before I could even adopt my 2 babies, because I'd suffered from the traumatic death of my budgie when I was 14 and just couldn't move past that for a long time. Then when Sabin passed I realized how very much worse his passing was for me - still the worst to date. So I understand how horrendous it feels, believe me. As for "WHY?"....if I had that one, all-important answer, I'd be on the news wires, telling EVERYONE! I wish I knew....I'm sure I'll be searching for that until the day I go, too, and for all I know, after that as well! You could certainly get a companion for Chino, if you're feeling ready in a month's time. You could also do some research on how to introduce a new one into your home, to try and prevent any problems from throwing a wrench into the works. One thing I have to say, though, and I hope I won't step on any toes here, but I never stay quiet about things that I'm passionate about, and my #1 passion is animals. So I just need to say that, considering all the added suffering ( and literally millions of deaths ) many are made to experience because of it, I'm disappointed and upset whenever I hear of someone allowing their animal to continue to breed. I know more than I ever wanted to know about what it means for the animals' lives, and it's grizzly stuff. While it would please me to know at least one of that litter might end up with you, a loving guardian, I worry for the rest, and the rest after that, should that mother never get spayed, and the mother herself, as it's so hard on and risky for animals to keep having litters. Personally, I would never adopt from anyone who isn't responsible enough to have their animals fixed, but would adopt either from a shelter or take a stray in - the very ones who've been discarded and abandoned for the sheer lack of enough loving homes to go around for all the animals carelessly bred. I'm sorry I had to bring this up, when we're all grieving here, but when it comes to the inherent worth of animals, I'm adamant and tireless in trying to educate others and save the animals' lives. For me, that's bottom line because I love them so completely. I hope I haven't upset you more than you already are, but hope I have simply given you pause to honour all animals by carefully considering all of their lives, not just the ones who have personally touched us so deeply because we knew them. I may just be human...but I'm also, I'm pretty sure, half-CAT! I'm also glad you've kept writing here, as it's so gratifying to hear from others who truly love our little furries, and in sharing our feelings about them, it helps us all grow a little stronger.

Dear Luma, Well, of course Chino can't fill in for everything you're missing about your Sookie. That missing is just going to be one of the hardest parts about your grief, as it is for all of us. For myself, I'd always noticed ( and felt deeply inside ) that each of my kidlets were a mirror image of me ~ Sabin was the more gregarious, fun-loving, reckless goof, yet deep and an old soul, but with a huge sense of humour, and a great teacher ( to me ); Nissa the meeker, quick-of-movement, more childlike, demonstrative and passionate in love matters, polite, more serious somehow. They were similar in some ways, yet each so opposite in others and I'd see myself in them with every move they each made, just like the extremes within myself. So when Sabin had to leave, it wasn't only that I missed him, but like exactly 1/2 of my own essence was suddenly missing, too. And this was the side that kept me so young-at-heart, so stress-bustingly spontaneous and happier. I was constantly moaning," But who's going to ever play Hide-and-Seek with me anymore?!! Only my Boo-Boo did that!!" And I was right. There is no one, for that was never really Nissa's game, and I can't convince my husband to get that silly with me, and for me...and it wouldn't be the same anyway, since he can't very well hide in tall grasses, being much bigger than me! So that's one thing, out of many, that's now missing in my life, a life I cherished with my guy's daily presense. No, we may never understand why our beloveds go when they do, but I like to believe it's the same as for us. When we've accomplished our predetermined 'missions' and learned what we set out to learn and/or teach others before we came here to the physical, then we go back to the spirit from whence we came. No one can really know another's lessons, only our own, and even then, most of us are rather blind to this aspect of our lives here. I am, personally, hoping though, that I can ask and find out, once I'm back in spirit, too! Time doesn't really DO anything...it's what we do within time that heals or doesn't heal us. This is the 'work' of mourning, as thoroughly as possible...feeling the depths of our feelings, thinking, reasoning...it all counts towards that nebulous 'coming to terms' with things. I know I'll never 'get over' my boy's death ( or his life with me ). It's a stupid phrase, one that should never have become so common. We adapt, we get used to the pain and the missing, and some of us transcend the pain, but there's no "getting over" or "letting go" of someone we love. We can let go of pain, but not the bond or relationship we had. We can develop a new relationship with our loved one, on a different level ( since they're now in spirit ), but we don't suddenly wake up one day, forgetting all about them/us. So don't fret. You are in control of choosing what you keep and what you don't want to keep, inside your heart and inside your head. The fact that this process takes time is just common to most of us. The guilt?...I suffered greatly with this up until this very year, so for 5 1/2 years, but have finally let most of it go. It still hurts me a lot to remember the agony my boy went through, but I have some newer information and some acceptance of my limitations from that time, that have at last 'kicked in' and it's not bothering me the way it used to. A useful exercise might be to write down, by hand, all the things you did 'right' and all the things you think you did 'wrong' and see if that balances the issue out any in your head. I also had to talk to a lot of other animal lovers who gave me comparisons of their stories to mine, and of the health issues we each dealt with. The fact that I'm a perfectionist at heart didn't help matters, either, so I also had to start noticing how many times I made mistakes and learn to accept that we all do, no matter how hard we try...as long as we're trying to do our best. I had to accept, finally, that had I euthanized Sabin too early, my guilt over that would have been even worse, for me, personally, than what I had done instead. And I have to trust that, even if I'm still not perfect, I will try my hardest to take these lessons and apply them to my darling girl as best I can, when her time comes. Being anxious for our other loved ones is natural after a death. I went through absolute hell with Nissa afterwards, because she did get sick w/i wks. of Sabin's passing, and not with just a cold or something. She developed kidney disease, which I learned can be quite common when an animal is grieving for their mate ( probably depending on the relationship and other factors ). However, it spurred me on to learn more, do more for her, get an additional vet. for her care...and here she is, now almost 19. Her conditions still can throw me into a panic ( she has several now besides the kidney stuff ) but hey, so far she's still here, and that counts for a lot. Had I just accepted what the first vet told me, she likely wouldn't be. So I still learned something, and partly redeemed myself in my own eyes because of what I forced myself to do, for her sake and mine. And I have to keep learning, as we go along. The biggest break-through occured when I decided one fine summer day, when she'd taken me across the street to lay in the tall, cool grasses, that I had to CHOOSE Life for her, rather than stay stuck in my thoughts of illness, suffering and death. I'm telling you, it made a world of difference to her health! I've recently struggled for another 2 years with this, since my Mother's and brother's deaths in '04, where it came back to haunt me again. But I'm trying my best again to rid myself of those fears, at least for now, for today, for this moment, if I have to. And I never stop trying to learn more about the whole concept of death, and life, as I know the more I experience myself, the more it will help me in the future. And I have to give full credit for this entire ( but not yet finished ) journey....to my boy, my Sabin...the greatest teacher I've ever known. His passing paved the way to the beginning of changing what has been the greatest fear of my life ~ death...of loved ones and of myself. He knew me, and knew I wouldn't have listened to anyone but him. God Bless, in Great Heaps, my Boo-Boo, my Boo-Boo, my Love.

Tracy, I have that book by Niki B. Shanahan on my Christmas wish list and am wondering how you found it. I don't really even need it for myself, but wanted it so I'd have actual scriptural passages to quote for all those naysayers who try to tell me it isn't so. While I don't rely on the Bible so much for my beliefs, others do and so I want this book - may even lend it out if need be, so they can read it themselves. My belief came firstly, directly from inside my soul, secondly, by logic, and thirdly by spunk. Firstly, it was just a given for me that animals were no different than us at their cores. I observed this at an early age, before cultural conditioning could affect me, and since the natural tendency in children is to love, I extended it to the animals and they extended it back....so how could they not have souls? I never questioned it at all until other adults later in life would argue ( was I ever taken aback the first few times! )the point. I simply thought that everyone who thought so arrogantly must be either really stupid or afraid of something. Secondly, from my unbiased observations, and from the fact that I found it natural and easy to develop a relationship and innate understanding with any animal I interracted with, logic told me that this wouldn't be possible if they were mere 'machines' or stupid creatures that somehow existed through nothing other than instinct. Thirdly, my spunk ( and logic, combined ) says to me that if a heavenly plane exists and I am part of that plane AND of our Creator, and I can and do love animals the way I do, then our Creator must love them the same as I ( or else I wouldn't be a part of our Creator, but of something else ) and if that heavenly plane didn't include my beloved fellow-beings, then it isn't heavenly whatsoever!! I think like someone else did ( I forget who it was )...no matter where the animals go, that is where I want to go, no matter where it is or what it's called, because 'Heaven' won't BE 'Heaven' for me if they're not there, too. And it's as straightforward as that for me.

Dear Mokie, Well, our situations are actually similar. My furbaby, Sabin had passed on Feb.2/00, but had his first actual collapse on New Year's Eve, and was very ill from then on, for the rest of the month he was still with us. I lost my Mother on Jan.2/04, right after New Year's, and then my oldest brother on Feb.29 the same year/04. So holiday-time is fraught with painful memories for me, too. And my Mom's BD is in Oct. and our remaining furgirl's is in Jan. ( as was her brother's ), so I pretty much feel painful memories from the fall until March. While I've had to rework our holidays anyway ever since my husband and I moved from our home city, where both of our families still were/are, I had to re-rework them some more with each loss. Much of what kept me going was our Nissa-girl, as I couldn't stand the thought that I might have to think of her last Christmas as being abnormal. However, when we lost Sabin, the most I could muster the first Christmas without him was to put an artificial tree-TOP in a pot and that was it. I only bought a few things for our girl. We had no holiday dinner or anything. For me, it was all about me, and my grief. It was all I could manage and that was that. I've done different things for the holidays regarding my Mom's and brother's deaths, but none were as bad for me as Sabin's passing. When my Mom and brother died, the next year we got invited to a Christmas dinner, but I didn't want to go, so we didn't, period. I cried all the way through our own dinner at home. I figure you should do whatever you need or want to do, and to heck with the rest of the world, if you can help it. You can explain how you're feeling to others, but they may or may not accept it, and then it's their problem, not yours. There's no substitute for taking good care of yourself during your grief and there's nothing to apologize for. Those who haven't been there can't and won't usually understand, so don't worry about them. Pet loss support groups can be helpful, but it depends on who's there on any particular night. I went to only one, then happened to submit a tribute to their newsletter in Sabin's memory. The editor at the time specifically deleted the most important and telling sentence in it...so I never felt comfortable going back again. However, 5 long years later, I wrote them to tell them what that did to me inside and the President had changed, so got a profuse apology and an offer to right the wrong by printing whatever I wanted in their next newsletter. I was then able to submit that one sentence, and a few other things I wanted to say about him, plus his picture, so all was made right in the end. NOW I would go back and speak freely about whatever I wanted, and plan to do so when the time comes and I need their support again. So I guess it comes down to the particular group, who's running it, how liberal their views are, etc. I would at least give it a try, as you never know if you might meet a kindred spirit there and have someone local who can share with you. It's just like groups for people - if you don't want to talk you don't have to. So often I've heard of others who didn't want to talk to 'strangers', yet by the end of one or two meetings, found they were talking more than anyone else!...because when you're sharing grief stories and feelings, you often find these strangers are strangers no more, as you're sharing the same feelings. It's very easy to get close to people that way. While I didn't attend more meetings in person, I had many good 'sessions' with one of this group's phone volunteers over about 3 months' time. There are also a lot of good books out now ( far more than even 6 years ago ) dealing with animal companion loss. Just check out Amazon.com to see what appeals to you. And of course, we're all here, to listen and share, whenever you need us!

Luma, I'm so sorry for the untimely loss of your little one, Sookie. Much of what Tracy said I agree with. It takes a long time and usually much guesswork, intuition, good vet. partners-in-care and experience with an individual furbaby to get the jump on illnesses or injuries that afflict our beloved ones, and even then, many of us make mistakes. It's as much an art as science, and sometimes even more of the art portion. Don't be hard on yourself for doing what you thought best, as that is all it ever comes down to, no matter the circumstance. We can only work with whatever knowledge we already possess in that moment and often even the vets don't have many sure answers, even with all their education. The age of our furbabies doesn't make any difference to our hearts...it's about the bond, no matter the age. Although, the more of one's life that's been spent with our beloveds, the more memories we have to remind us of our great loss. It's not easy no matter how old they were. A life is a life and if our hearts have loved, it hurts. If it helps to know this, Siamese cats are often more prone to weaker kidneys, from what I've read, and if they're that young when afflicted, it can affect them much faster than if it's developed later in life. The fact that she got that dehydrated so quickly seems to suggest that something else was at play, as it's not unusual to monitor a cat with diarrhea for a couple of days before taking them in for an exam, especially if they're still eating &/or drinking. As for getting another playmate for Chino, were it me, I'd definitely be planning for it, considering how young he is, but, yes, you have to be ready yourself first, AND, Chino's grief should be considered and monitored as well, lest you upset him with another pal while he's still in mourning, too. You'd have to watch and observe him ( and use your intuition, too! ) and see if maybe he seems interested in socializing with other cats ( even if this is done from behind a window to the outdoors ), for example. I know it took our furgirl about 4-5 months after her brother passed until she started feeling like exploring things and getting interested in her usual outdoor things again, but she'd also had 13 years with her brother. Overall though, cats are much happier with other feline buddies, I think, or at least other furred or sometimes even feathered creatures as company if you're not at home all the time. Cats are FAR more sociable than people usually believe. It's also much easier to introduce another one into the family when they're younger. But the extra attention and love you give to Chino in the meantime is the perfect thing to do! Caring for another furbaby ( assuming they're healthy enough ) while grieving is the most life-affirming task you could hope for to help you through your grief. I had to do this for our furgirl, and she was just diagnosed with kidney insufficiency mere weeks after we lost her brother....and yet my focus on her was what got me through....plus her HUGE love, of course. By the Grace of God, she's been with us coming up 6 more years since then. Come back often to share your feelings and thoughts if it helps you, and let us know what you decide, whenever.

Dear Marty, Thank-you so much for all of that!! I'll be looking more into what you suggested as reading material. I also wondered if you would mind if I copied and pasted your reply into another grief site I use, as someone else there has had a very similar situation to mine and was just speaking of some of the same things yesterday. I think this info. would be of much use to her as well. P.S. I posted about some of the 'bugs' in the system in the Comments forum.

floridamom, Thank-you for your answer. That makes entire sense and helps me a lot. I can see doing that, too - grieving for a father figure who never existed in reality. And maybe even just for the idea of having NO parents left...again, another symbol of security and the like. I can also imagine how traumatizing it would be to relive history upon packing up your childhood home. Unfortunately, and fortunately, I'll never see that day, as my parents' house was sold w/o me knowing, so my nightmares have more to do with NOT being able to retrieve treasured momentos. And the one trip I made back 3 weeks after my Mother died only netted me a grand total of about 5 hours in their/my old house over an entire wknd., so I didn't even have time to sit and ruminate about anything, good OR bad. I had to work like a fiend, trying to sort through the mess my dad had make of my Mom's clothing and personal articles. I only managed 5 minutes to make a quick trip through most, not even all, of the house, just to say good-bye to everything. So upside, downside, to all our different situations. For me, though, I would have relished having the choice, as most of my Mom's things were sold out from under my feet and I never even got to visit my old bedroom of 19 years ( hey, I haven't even lived anywhere else yet for that amount of time! ), so it felt like I was kicked right out of my very own history. And for a funeral or anything, there won't be anything like that for my father, either, as he's under the Province's auspices and I don't even know where my Mother's ashes are ( if still with my brother or not ), so that there'll be nowhere specific for them to go....and I certainly wouldn't want his! He never gave my Mother a memorial, though she would have wanted one, and I couldn't afford to go back for my brother's sudden funeral 2 months later, either, so in effect, for me, there have been NO funerals/memorials for any of my immediate family. What are the odds of that?! It sounds so wacko just putting that in print! But then, that's my family.... As for what I might do when the time comes, I'm not too sure. Probably NOT break out the champagne, as I'd normally imagined when I was in my 30's, but I don't think I'll be crying, either, except for how it reminds me of my other losses and how it's all gone, all dust in the wind then. But I've also learned to expect the unexpected, so who knows?

Having just made a new posting in this new format of the site, I've noticed some things that I either don't know how to work now, or that just aren't working quite right. The 'smilies' don't automatically show up, and I still haven't figured out how to view them. I not only don't 'get' the "quote" and "reply" buttons now, or they're not working properly, either, as I can't seem to reply WITHOUT it coming up initially as a "quote" ( even after trying the + and - buttons, too ). I don't understand some of the new icons, either, though I haven't tried playing with them yet. It strikes me that maybe we need a Tutorial message somewhere here, readily accessible and up-front, to guide new, and now even older!, members through the options and basic usage. For all I know, the new changes are great ones, but at this early stage, I wouldn't even know! I really don't have a lot of time to play with everything again and try to figure it out on my own - I'm not the most computer-savvy person in the world. Although, I have to say, even my husband hasn't been able to figure out some of these things on different sites, on my behalf, and he's DARN good with computer stuff! I'd use a 'smilie' here, but I still can't see them!! ( having to bring up a separate window for them is an annoying waste of my time, and you still don't get actual pictures of them - WAY too complicated! ) - here's an attempt, but not sure until I try "Preview" what it will look like. .......okay, I see that didn't even work properly! Now I've tried to edit this, and that's more complicated, too, as part of the instructions below the post are superimposed upon the forum name, making them difficult to read. Also not sure what complete edit VS. quick edit is. I also notice that there's no indication of NEW posts for anyone browsing....so hope someone even notices this post! Now I don't see a button to resubmit this post, so hope I don't lose it completely! Also just tried "View New Posts" and "My Assistant" and neither one is working right.

Dearest Lori, Oh, my heart is breaking, too, with this sad news of no happy reunion yet! ( I, too, was anxious w/o the site working for over a week ) I have to ask...have you been putting out food at your home and did you ever get a trap yourself to place outside? ( if you remember, that was also what some people in our neighbourhood had to use to get their cat back in the house....she was hanging around, one or two houses away, but was too scared to make it all the way back home...until the lure of the food caught her attention )As for the shelter, do you know what their policy is for how long they keep a cat and whether that's dependant on whether the cat has visible I.D. or not? Are you going there to check or just phoning them? Sometimes the workers don't check as carefully as the guardian would as to description, depending on how busy they are. And have you tried that 'homing' exercise every day, from that one site? Is there only the one shelter around, or might there also be a separate rescue group in operation, too? ( some of them don't advertize as much as the bigger shelters ) Are you still calling the local vets, as well as ones a bit farther away, and checking the 'Found' ads in the papers? I SO wish, STILL, that I was there to help! I realize it's a part-time job doing all these things, but they're so necessary. Were it me, I'd be a total wreck by now. This must be so gut-wrenching for you! I'm still thinking about you and Mia every day and still praying for her safe return. (((((((HUGS and HOPE back!!!))))))))) Maylissa

floridamom, I read with great interest your posting here about your dad, as my father, too, was terribly abusive and while not technically alcoholic, was the biggest problem drinker in my family. My Mom was officially diagnosed alcoholic, yet her drinking wasn't nearly as problematic overall, at least not to me. Anyway, the reason I'm so interested is because my father hasn't died yet, but is 86 and in a home with severe dementia, so it may not be long now. I don't live where he is and have no desire to see him because he dishonoured my Mother's death and my role as the only daughter in the family so badly that THAT seems like the "final nail in the coffin" to me. Considering your reaction now that your father is gone makes me re-speculate how I'm going to react, too....especially since you've been surprised by your reaction. I've always thought I'd feel nothing much, as I've hated my father for so many years; tried to forgive him and failed miserably because he'd do something nasty again everytime I tried. I certainly hope I don't feel differently than I'm expecting! The only thing I expect in the way of grief is that it will bring up my Mom's death again for awhile. If I may ask, were you expecting to feel something completely different, too? (I had also replied to your other posting under Behaviours in Bereavement )

floridamom, I'm sorry to hear you lost your dad recently ( and your mom long ago ). But I'm glad you found this board to express yourself on, as that's such a helpful step for so many of us. It seems natural that having to go through your dad's house would bring up the feeling of being all alone in the world, as most of us feel anyway when we've lost a parent ( or 2 ). When I lost my Mom ( and oldest brother, too ), I also felt like my husband didn't love me, or at least not enough. What that was all about for me, was that losing my Mom just brought into sharper focus the lacks in my marriage that had been there before, but had been pushed aside over the years. These then had to be addressed, as they were greatly contributing to my depression and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. I attribute the little bit of couples' counseling we were able to fit in in the midst of my individual counseling for helping the most in alleviating those feelings to a large degree. When a parent, who has normally been there for us regardless of good or bad times, regardless even of the health of our relationship with them, suddenly is gone, that anchor and foundation in our world collapses and we feel vulnerable to a degree that hasn't usually been experienced before in our lives. So we look to those remaining in our lives to fill in the blank. And if we feel that spot isn't being filled in a way that provides us with enough comfort, we can feel even more isolated and alone. So I guess it's only a "bizarre" symptom if our other relationships are truly solid. For me, that wasn't the case. My marriage did/does need working on, in order that I don't feel completely abandoned in the world. Whatever the case though, sharing with our partners, every changing step of the way ( which can mean daily ) how we're feeling about things is, I think, a very healthy and often necessary part of surviving the grief intact. And this, of course, is easier if that communication goes both ways, so that the one not grieving can let us know if they can't provide everything we need and we can seek it elsewhere, like on these boards or with a trusted counselor.