Mom Died Feb 4-aunt Died March 23

[pennylayne]

My aunt-who lived in boston-went for a walk a week ago Monday-she never returned home. My sister got involved with the police-they ran an article on her-4 1/2 days later she was discovered at the old building she had lived at-now a condemed building ready for reconstruction-by the contractor who decided to stop by on a Friday to 'check the place out' and discovered her. She had fallen down the cellar stairs-spent 4 1/2 days there with a broken hip and shoulder-hands raw with trying to get herslf out of there-temp 87 degrees. They operated on her last Friday-but by Monday she was on a respirator-had pneumonia and huge infection spreading from a bowel infection.

IMy mom died of pancreatic cancer a month ago. Although I didn't know my aunt well at all-I feel so bad. I'm eing told I should not feel anything. My wonderful sister is taking care of getting her to a funeral home and having her creamated. I still am greiving my om's deeath-and feel really mad at how my aunt died. I'm also mad that I'm expected to 'get over all of it'.

[shell]

Pennylane,

That is horrible. What a thing to go through! And it just adds to the grief you're already going through. I had somewhat the same experience when my dad died. We lost him, my uncle, my moms cousin, a good friend, and one of our fur babies in two months. It was overwhelming and we are still "shaky" a year later. Don't let anyone tell you to just get over it. Feel what you feel and take care of yourself.

Hugs,

shell

[shubom]

So sorry to hear about what happened to your aunt. That is so horrible. Sorry to hear about all the losses you and your family went through. I lost my dad 6 years ago, and I just recently lost my mom. I'm so sad. They both died suddenly. One day they were there, the next day not. I try my best not to obsess or think about death in general. I try my best not to think that it could just happen to anyone, anywhere, without any warning. But just when you think you've pulled through the hurting and thinking and obsessing, it turns around and happens again. No matter how alert we are. Ugh ! Hopefully one day we can live peacefully, happily without experiencing such pain.....one day.....

[Guest Kathi]

My year has been like yours. My husbands grandmother passed in Sept '05, my uncle in Nov '05, my step-grandmother in Feb'06, my Great Aunt in March '06 and my mother passed after 51 days in the hospital on March 18, 2006. I just feel over loaded with grief and everyone around me says "gosh, sorry" but they move on and here I am still trying to deal with all of these losses, and to top all of that off my marrage is failing. My life seems like it is on the wrong track and I am not sure how I even got on this track, but I know I sure want the hell off!!!

[shell]

It's amazing how many of us feel the same. Alone, overwhelmed, angry at others for their indifference, and last, but not least, like a big black cloud is following us around! I realized last night that I am afraid to feel hopeful about the future, like if I do, even the slightest little bit, something bad will happen. I'm afraid to try to be happy. Does anyone else feel this? Remember the title to that movie "Waiting to Exhale"? That's how I feel. And you know that lump you get in your throat when you are going to cry or are scared? I feel like it's there all the time.

Hugs to all of you,

Shell

[Guest Kathi]

Your right about the waiting to exhale part. I am afraid that if I start to feel happy I will get hit again. With each loss I kept thinking "I will go over the edge with any more loss in my life", but with each loss I keep going, just barely, but I feel "ME" slipping away with each one. I feel like I am hanging onto a rope and my hands keep slipping. I keep waiting to just fall, thinking maybe then all of this will stop and I can finally continue. I have dealt with so many losses this year and my job has been crap and my marrage is crap. Funny, you think you are married to the right person but when your world starts to fall apart and they should be there for you the most is when I felt that my husband was the farthest away. After spending 51 days with my mother in the hospital and having 2 family members die while she was there and then her passing I guess I don't even care anymore, now I just sorta want him to go away. I sorta feel like I have done this on my own so far I don't really need you. I am very angry at him. Very angry. For christs sakes, this was my mother. When I called to have him bring the kids up to the hospital when she had made the decision to stop life support was "so she is giving up" and then he cornered my sister at the hospital and said "do you think your mom is in the right mind to make this decision?" He had not come to see her at all, never went to family get-togethers and now he felt he had the RIGHT to tell me "she is giving up" I really could have hit him VERY hard, good thing he was on the phone!!!

[pennylayne]

Thanks eeryone for your helpful words. I am still really out of it-skipping time (loosing it) feeling heavy and sad-confused alot-just like I'm on some different planet. My husband is really no support either. He just thinks get over it! She's dead and we are alive. His parent are still living-and he does not have the relationship I had with my mom with either one of them. Most people just don't know how to deal with it-except those who have lost someone or an animal. And it differs regarding the depth of love.

[Maylissa]

Kathi and Pennylayne,

I know what you mean about husbands being so utterly insensitive, at least at times, and those most often are the times when you need them more than others! It all just starts to blur into the whole roller-coaster ride of grieving, but seems much more magnified when you're already ultra-sensitized to anymore upheaval. My husband, too, has made some really bone-headed and cold remarks over the 2 years since my last losses, and it only adds to the feeling of insecurity in my future. Our fur-girl is quite ill, and also 19 now, so we're expecting another loss in the not-too-distant future, and it terrifies me wondering if he'll pull the carpet out from underneath me when I'm going to be a total basket-case over her passing...despite having finally come through after each insensitive episode. The trust I had in him has waned and I'm much more leery now - not good, when, as one gets older, you can expect more losses than when you're younger. I'm not even sure if he'll grieve too heavily for his own parents ( assuming he outlives them - I take nothing for granted anymore! ), as he always claims he's much more "okay" with death than I am, and than most people are. He's hurt me so much at times, over this, that even if he does grieve heavily, I'm not even sure I'd be willing to give him my undying support...not a very good attitude, I know, but hey, the hurts build up over time and it's pretty hard to undo harsh things said once they're said.

Shell, Shubom and Kathi,

Even though it's been 2 years already for me, I also share your feelings of 'waiting for the next shoe to drop'. It may be normal, but it's certainly not a healthy way to live, as it saps all hope out of one's life. I don't know, either, how to get out of this frame of mind, even though I've tried my heart out so far. I think of the difference between us 'younger' folks ( in some cases ) and my Mother's generation, when it comes to mourning. She grew up in the Depression years, so like most people from then, there was a stronger attitude of toughness to life's tragedies, but that often also meant that deep feelings were simply stuffed, which never turned out for the best in the end. With younger generations, we're more likely to validate and be tolerant of the whole grieving process ( at least, the ones who are doing the grieving are anyway! ) and so try NOT to stuff things as much.....and yet, we're at a loss, too, as to which way to handle these disrupting emotions.

You came up with the perfect word there, Shell -- "indifference". I think that all the horrors of the world which bombard us daily now play into that indifference from others. Just as we can't take yet another loss, so to the population at large doesn't want to dwell more than a few seconds on even MORE pain, in whatever form, no matter who's suffering it. It's a very sad state of affairs and even if my theory is right, that doesn't really help us much in knowing how to change this, in individuals nor in society as a whole. It's just maddening!

While I've never seen the movie your both talking about here, I certainly know the feelings you're expressing. I have this thing....some might call it an obsessive-compulsive condition, but whatever it is, it haunts me and has been made even worse by my losses. I feel that if I don't worry, even if it's just a little bit, things will turn out even worse than they might otherwise. I've even gone so far as to try, with great trepidation, to test this out, by making a grand effort to NOT worry about something, every now and then. I'd laugh if it wasn't so serious, but to my horror, every time I've tested it this way, things actually WERE worse than I'd expected ( and that's pretty bad for a compulsive worry-wort! ), so I feel I'm absolutely stuck with having to just remain a worry-wort! So you can imagine what the whole 'scared to try to be happy' thing has done on top of this preexisting mind-state!! And BTW, this is exactly what happened with the situation around our fur-girl....I was trying to be positive, and accepting of her failing health, thinking it was just old age, just to find out, had I worried and researched more, in advance ( which would be my more natural response to fretting about her ), I could have averted what turned out to really be wrong with her....and in other words, being 'positive' and 'accepting' actually made the situation worse! How does one reconcile THAT?! Now I feel like practising positivity as a real fool's game! And this sure makes it extra hard to practise sage spiritual teachings with any great hope, or trust in success!

My husband just remarked yesterday, when I told him how hopeless I was feeling about my purpose here and the people who don't seem to want to be there for me, that he thought we should just completely give up on ever finding people, a network, for ourselves, seeing as nothing we've ( mainly ME ) tried in the past 15 years has worked worth a damn. I asked him how I could possibly , realistically, do that, when, should HE die on me, I'd have absolutely no one in my life? He had no answer, other than to keep repeating his idea. Now I don't know what to do anymore...instead of a pep-talk, I got a defeatist -talk, and one which I fear in my heart of hearts is true. So never mind husbands and wives.....PEOPLE...can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em! And this is why I always say, I wish SO much that all those who join together here in our sorrow, could physically get together, to support each other, to become real friends in the same physical space...so we'd all HAVE understanding people to do things with to keep us all going. Maybe that'll be the next, great website idea....to start an online group that's ONLY local to a specific area....to give members a real chance at meeting each other in person.

Edited March 27, 2006 by Maylissa

[pennylayne]

From Penny Layne

I think part of the trouble with my husband is he has been a diabetic since he was 10 years old. He is now 55-amazing that he's gotten to this age. He is very very sick-lots of stuff wrong with him-has very hard time controlling his sugar levels-somedays he is so high that the meter cannot read what it is-and the meter goes to 500!!!! he has lots of reactions too. He's what they call a brittle diabetic. So, I think in some ways he is scared of the topic of death. Deos not want to talk about it or feel anything about it-he really is cheating time. His doctors gave him a time line of 45-not to live really past that. By the grace of God, he has. I'm afraid all the time that he will just die-I could not stand that! We also have a furball named Zeek who is pretty sick-but we won't put him down until he can't eat anymore. It's so hard with animals too. You love them in a different way than people, but it's an intense love and the grief is also intense. I think every city has as grieving group-some of the hospices do-I haven't tried to get into one..too overwhelmed with work and just having to do everything.

[shell]

Hi everyone,

I have one thing to say (and I will admit there are a FEW exceptions out there): men just don't want to deal with anything emotional! And, frankly, I'm just sick to death of it!

Here we go again, Maylissa! You gathered from my post that I, too, am a worry-wort and for the same reasons. I had to laugh when you said you have "tested" out the being positive thing and had it blown up in your face, because I have done the same thing with the same results! We truly are destined to worry for the rest of our lives.

I think you're right about the generational (is that a word?) thing. Our parents were a lot tougher than we are. But, like you said, it's not good to stuff. Maybe one of us will figure out how to stop all this maddness! I'm working on it, but haven't progressed too far.

I truly wish we could all get together. I feel like all of you are about the only real friends I have now. It is such a relief to be able to talk about our grief and know that you really, truly understand! Thanks to all.

Huga all around,

Shell

[Maylissa]

Shell,

"I had to laugh when you said you have "tested" out the being positive thing and had it blown up in your face, because I have done the same thing with the same results! We truly are destined to worry for the rest of our lives."

GETOUTTATOWN! Okay, so that either means our 'theory' is sound....or we're both screwy!

My Mother, and brother, both were good stuffers...but then I have to remember, too, that my Mother was alcoholic and my brother was violent towards his wives, at least if they wanted to leave him.....so maybe I'm just as tough in my own way, but it doesn't feel like it because I'm NOT stuffing, or anaesthetisizing myself as much? There just aren't any easy answers, to most anything in Life.

Like you, I feel closer to y'all than to those physically here and I consider being able to yak here almost the same as getting an actual phone call from a friend every day, which sustains me more than you might know.

[shell]

Maylissa,

I'm beginning to think we were twins that got seperated at birth...haha.

I am so glad I found this board. It has helped me tremendously and I can't wait to get to it at night. It's like visiting friends and feeling understood and wanted and cared about! Like you, it sustains me more than anyone could know!

Big hugs,

Shell

[FUNNYFACE]

EVERYONE.....

I thought that I was reading a post that I wrote......it is amazing.....my husband didn't have a good relationship with either of his parents + when they passed away it was....bury them....distribute what needs to be distributed and go on with your life.....He is also a diabetic that can't control his blood sugar+ has retired at 55....I did too....until my Mother passed away 6 months ago...he doesn't understand how I can still be grieving...should be over it by now..... he decided that I should go back to work a couple days a week ( I am a nurse) because that would "take my mind off of my grief"....as if that would do it...now the only thing that I have done is substitute one stress for another.... .than he did have a good suggestion of going to a HOV support group...my 2nd mtg will be tomorrow night....

It is so hard to make others understand what we are going through....I think it would be great if somehow we could all meet for coffee.....PIE or CHOCOLATE CAKE would be better......Do we all live here in Phoenix ????

Funnyface

[shell]

Funnyface,

I live in Alabama. Wish we all lived in the same place too! And yeah, chocolate cake would be great!

It is strange how much many of us have in common! Not just ordinary things, either.

Wish we could all meet,

Shell

[Maylissa]

Funnyface,

If you'll notice, my profile ( under my name when I post ) indicates where I live - Alberta, Canada....so I think we're a wee bit far away...although my Mom-in-law was just in Mesa visiting a relative ( also went to Scotsdale and came in thru Phoenix, I think ). Only wish I could be where you are....nice and warm compared to here....mmmmmmm...aaahhhhhh....although both places are really a bit TOO dry for my tastes - AB is semi-arid desert really, though it doesn't really look like it. And heck, I'd almost eat Spam on toast ( well, not really - puh! ) if I could just BE with everyone! ( and Paulski, of course, is in NY ) It's funny though....I've met some of the nicest women on such boards, who all seem to hail from the south - one of my newest best ( distant ) friends is from Georgia and I certainly hope I can actually meet her and her entire fur-and-human-family some day.

[pennylayne]

I'm really glad we are all here!!!!!! I'd take the chocolate cake and you all!!! Grief is so hurtful-and it keeps driving me crazy-but I have to say I think this posting is helpng me. We get through our nightmares-our losses-and keep on truckin. I think work has helped a little-I hate my job and it's so stressful-but sometimes I do forget about my mom and aunt being dead. I guess I've done what has to be done in my case-which is practicing dissociation...jsut makeing it go away so I can function. I'm the only source of income-my diabetic husband is too sick to work and still remains too whatever to go on disability-it's awful. It makes it worse for me because I have to make sure we are insured and can stay where we live. Oh well-tomorrow is Friday

[FUNNYFACE]

Maylissa:

I have met the most wonderful people on this site......isn't it funny that perfect strangers can form a bond and our own friends and family that in some cases have known us all our lives can't understand us now.....

You wouldn't like Phoenix in the summer......120 sometimes....."but it is a dry heat".....HA HA....

Lived here all my life and I am waiting for the day I can leave....now that my parents are gone I am hoping that we can move north of here where it is a little cooler....especially at night....

No matter where people live there is always a problem.....our crime rate here has really gone up....almost like living in LA.

Hugs

Funnyface

[shell]

Mayliski,

If you ever visit your friend in Georgia, you better come see me too!

Shell

[pennylayne]

I think the posting and being here with all of you brings me comfort. I feel that very little in my life-especially around grief. I'm up in NYC-so-the winters are cold and ugly and the summer is hot and ugly. But I love it here!

[Maylissa]

Pennylayne,

I feel sorry for you, having to be the breadwinner while dealing with your grief. I'm lucky I'm not in that position. You have my sympathies on that score as well. BTW, you and Paul are the closest, geographically. Our winters aren't too bad here; were worse in my home Province of Manitoba. But, summers here aren't real summers ( has been known to snow in every, single month of the year - the second summer here I was cursing as I was trying to cover my entire veg. garden in Aug. when we got this one-day snow-storm! ) and most summer nights are pretty cool - I miss the HEAT!!

Shell,

Of COURSE I would! You're on the list!

Funnyface,

Yah, our heat is a dry heat, too, but 120 IS a bit high, even for me, a real summer-baby! My family was in Phoenix once, when I was only 1 1/2. Also went to Carlsbad Caverns, which I think (?) is in NM (?) and that is the very first memory I have of my infanthood.....I remember being nestled in my Mum's arms and then waking up more when we got to the underground restaurant there. My Mum could never believe I could possibly remember anything like that at such a young age, but I do. I tried to find the diaper-bag my Mum had had then, when I went back for her clothes, but it wasn't there. My dad probably threw it out, cuz she'd had it in the same closet all those years, still in good shape ( it was neat; all round, like an oversized coin, and heavy plasticized material - kinda chic-looking, especially for a diaper-bag! ). She later kept her knitting and crocheting needles in there. Sorry for the tangent, but this memory stirred just now....and I think we're so off the original topic now, it's not funny!