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Since He Died


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When I lost him, a part of me died.

Just. Died.

Since the second the last breath left his lungs, the ability to breathe deeply is absent in mine. 

Since I felt his last heart beat, mine has raced with panic at times and then slowed to a snail's paced thump with silent tears.

Since he told me he loved me one last time, my love for him has grown beyond measure except he isn't here for me to express it and it mean something.

Since he died, I feel like I am losing my mind.

Since he died, sometimes I don't want to be here anymore.

Sometimes I feel like this grief will consume me.

Sometimes it does.

Since he died, memories take over. Memories of things that were and memories of dreams that will never be.

Since he died, I am confused and cold.

Since he died, Our bed is cold. Our home is deafening silent.

When he died, the "we" that we were became "me."

I hurt.

I long for his whisper in my ear.

I ache for his touch.

Since he died, I miss him so very much.

Since he died, life has turned upside down and there is no way to turn it right side up.

When he died, parts of me died too.

 

 

 

 

 

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Beautifully and so accurately put.  I related to every word.  Thank you for sharing that.

And outsiders willl never fathom the depth of this.  It adds to the loss of our partner.  They would understand if it were reversed.  Showing something as beautiful and heartfelt as you wrote can't express the reality to those that do not know.  

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Best wishes mbbh. I know that feeling of being sort of OK and then being hit by a grief wave. Today I used Susan's new backpack instead of my old worn one. Had sand from our vacation just 3 weeks before she died, her earphones that she thought she'd lost, and a beautiful turtle-themed name tag ??

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Thanks Tom. Maybe the sand was a sweet gift she left you without knowing it as a reminder of her love? Being sort of ok is a gift in and of itself. I just never knew how hard it would be without John. God, I miss him. 

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mbbh:  This is beautifully written.  It sums it all up.  Yesterday was my 5 month mark of Michael being gone and these words rang out so true to me.  Reality is hitting me hard and keeping my spirits up is getting harder and harder.   With God's help, my strength is holding on to persevere.  None of us want to be part of this group, but thank God it's here for us.  Take care of yourselves.  Peace...

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Mike's Girl

For me, keeping afloat has many different meanings. Simply breathing has come to be an acceptable way to be right now. It has to be. It was been 9 months for me and I have come to learn that it is okay to have low spirits. How could we not? The truth is we are where we are. The challenge is learning that it is okay to not be okay, okay to hurt. I hold hope that things change over time and that the reality of this life will not always sting so bad. May it be so for all of us here. 

Peace to you.

Mary Beth

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I relate so strongly to all here who have lost a soul mate. Seems to me that not even everyone experiencing a different grief understands what it's like to love and be loved intensely, to become like one being, and then to lose the whole fabric of your life - but you do. I hope you realize that to have been in such a partnership means that YOU are a special person ❤️ Tom?

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