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Searra Peters

Lossing my big brother to suicide

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My brother has always been my protector he always stood up for me even if I was wrong. He always made me feel like I was safe and losing this has been the hardest part. I recently lost my brother to suicide on June 23rd 2017 he was 29 His services were on his 30th birthday. I was living with him the time of the suicide. I woke up like any other day I woke my boyfriend up as well my boyfriend had said something about going to check on him and I froze I couldn't go check on him. (I still have no idea why I couldn't move to go check on him). Long story short my boyfriend found him and was unable to get in the room. We called 911 and delt with the entire process unable to leave with all the police/medics and go on in the home. Less than a month after I lost my favorite aunt to suicide as well. This has been the longest and hardest summer of my entire life. I guess I don't have any questions it's more of what steps do I make to go forward. Will my emptiness ever go away. Any input is appreciated. 

Edited by Searra Peters

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38 minutes ago, Searra Peters said:

I don't have any questions it's more of what steps do I make to go forward. Will my emptiness ever go away.

I am so very sorry for the challenges these traumatic deaths have placed in your path, but I hope it helps to know that we are here for you, and as a survivor of suicide loss, you have lots of additional support available to you.

The empty spaces that once were occupied by the physical presence of your brother and your favorite aunt will never go away, my dear ~ but the love you have for them will live forever in your heart, just as long as you keep your memories of them alive. Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship we have with our loved ones.

You've asked what steps to take as you go forward, and this article (along with the links listed at the base) is a good place for you to begin: Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss 

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Hi Searra,

I am also very sorry for your loss and can relate to how you may be feeling. It is so incredibly painful and though with time life gets a little easier, I still miss my baby brother every day. I lost my brother to suicide in December 2017 and he was intermittently staying with me and my husband in the months prior to his suicide. We struggled for months to get him help for an undiagnosed mental health issue related to threats of suicide. I am haunted by this struggle. He would come to visit us for a few hours at a time, eat and sleep a little, but refuse to stay with us and eventually leave to sleep in our city parks or his van, basically homeless. I was only aware there was a serious problem 3 months prior to his suicide and our family was scrambling to make sense of it all and try to help him. We even had an interventionist help perform an intervention, multiple hospitalizations including a 5150, drove 6  hours up north twice to try and find him due to calls with threats of suicide. I still feel guilty that I didn't do enough, especially when he came to my home and told me some of the dark details of his mental illness. I started journaling immediately after his death as one method of coping, but this is the first time I have shared my loss on a forum. I don't have a lot of advice on how to move forward, but reading your story has helped. I have found comfort in a more spiritual relationship with my brother through nature. I also went back to school to get my Masters in Psychology to help build my confidence again. I am open to any suggestions too. Thanks for sharing💛

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@songbird24, I am sorry for your loss, I had a friend/coworker that commit suicide, I'd known him all his life, he was seeing a therapist and on medication, they were going to change his medication on Monday...he commit suicide on Sunday.  I think it's common in grief to feel we didn't do enough, but this is a pretty mighty disease.  I'm glad you've found a spiritual connection with him, when they die it's good to find that new way to relate to them.  His pain is over, now it's getting through yours, and it sounds like you're working through that, good luck to you.

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