Two Months Since My Mom Died

[pennylayne]

It's been two months since my mom died on Feb 4th-and a month since my aunt died. I've been forgetting things-not just little things-but will be in the middle of a discussion with my husband and he'll mention something that just happened and I can't remember it. I feel tired and achey alot-just want to sleep basically. I don't cry anymore inthe mornigs-but still reach for the phone to call her. Like I left the house last week and forgot my money-transit card-all that I need for the day. Then another time I walked out without my glasses on. Now, senior moments they could be, but I still think it's part of grief. Anyone else having this or had this experience?

[shell]

Yes, yes, and YES! I'll go to the cupboard to get a can of tomatoes and stand there with it open, wondering, "WHAT was I getting?"

Stress can make you forgetful and achy. They are now starting to realize how many physical symptoms stress can cause. If you're interested go to: www.webmd.com and put stress or anxiety in the search box. It will tell you a lot about how it can affect you, including your mind.

Wanting to sleep is normal too and I, personally, think it's a good thing if you just give into it for awhile. It can be very healing.

Your not going crazy or senile, just grieveing,

Hang in there,

Shell

[pennylayne]

Shell-thank you so much. It's just I never did this-when my dad died I was out drinking my head off-but have ben sober for 15 years now andthings certainly are different! I get afraid sometimes of the forgetting and feel just like I'm going crazy. I do the same at work but now as bad. I've gotten into rouble around that a couple of times. I've only been on ths jo since September-and up until my mom died-I was calling her all the time and then when she went into hospice care and I called three times a day-I could hear her dying over the phone. So, I wasn't concentrating on the job-and now that she has died-I'm still not concentrating on the job!!!! I'm amazed they haveen't fired me!!!!

[Maylissa]

Pennylayne,

Oh, memory!! What memory?! Mine was shot from the moment my Mom died, then got even worse when my brother died...both just over 2 years ago, and it still hasn't returned to where it used to be...which was quite good, sometimes amazing! Now, I still constantly forget things, both big and little, and when under any new stress, it can be as pathetic as within a few seconds of thinking of (doing) something! It's more than a mere annoyance at this point....I'm getting really tired of not being able to depend on my once-sharp memory... and I'm just hoping I don't have to take any drastic measures for it to return to normal, seeing as it's been over 2 years already.

This has also been of more concern to me because every time I've turned around in those last 2 years, some other relative has developed ( or just finally been diagnosed ) with dementia &/or some other mental illness. THEN I worry that my time for having some horrible mental illness myself is approaching faster than would be normal....the stress and worry about that which probably makes my memory suffer even MORE! It's a real, fun circle.

[pennylayne]

I'm glad I'm not alone. It feels so weird to forget-and just like you I can forget in the moment. Sometimes-I don't remember what was just said to me!!!!I'm 57 so I never know if I'm just having a senior moment-or does this happen to everyone? I can forget what I ate yesterday!!!!!

[shell]

Pennylane,

I will have forgotten what I ate for dinner the same night! I'm 52 and also wonder if I'm starting to get senile or something! I don't think any of are, it's just that we all have way too much to think about every day in "normal life", and then to be grieving at the same time is just an overload.

Maylissa,

You may forget things, but you have one of the sharpest minds I've seen in a long time. So don't worry.

I wonder if gingko biloka (that may not be spelled right!) really helps your memory? Has anyone used it?

I have found that at times if I keep saying "focus" to myself when I'm trying to think of three things at once, and focus on just one thing until it's done, I do better.

So focus ladies....we'll muddle through!

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi all.

Ooops, what was I gonna say?? Oh, yeah, memory troubles.

Yep, got 'em. Its just a byproduct of grief. Things are so churned up inside that little details just don't seem that important when you're dealing with life/death/eternity issues.

Who cares what I ate last nite? I don't. (I think it was turkey Polska Kielbasa and Pierogies.) If things are way ordinary, like meals, its easy to forget.

pennylayne: I coped with my dad's death in Sept '95 the same way you did. Drank like a fish. Straight vodka alternating with Captain Morgan's Original Puerto Rican Spiced Rum. This May 22nd will mark 4 sober years. I'm trying to incorporate my Dad's death into my grieving for my Mom. Don't ask how, my f2f grief counselor asked the same thing and I just don't know. I just do.

Take care pennylayne, shell and whomever that other one was.

[pennylayne]

I don't think I've incorporated my dad's death and greiving for him with my mom's. I made peace with my dad in 1995-in the mountains fo Virginia-forgave everything-and it was wonderful. My mom is a different story. I loved her-she was a crazy lady who did so much service that she had a front page write up in the paper about just all she had done. she started handicapped swimming when there was none-worked with women with cancer-women how were widowed-struggeling kids-she was amazing. Thinking of what she did makes me tired!!!! nstead of drinking, I overate-I binged just about every day and put on 40 lbs.!!!! That's amazing to me...and now I'm trying to take it off..that is really hard to do. So, my memory is not better at all..... guess I don't care if I remember what I ate yesterday-but the fact still stands that I forget just about everything. And my job is to remember things for my boss! How long can this last???????

[Maylissa]

Pennylayne,

I'm right there with you in the putting on weight dept.! Though I haven't gained quite as much, it's been bad enough that the new clothes I asked for at Christmas, to replace the OTHER ones that didn't fit anymore, don't even fit, either, just 2 months later! Part of it is hormonal, I know, but not ALL of it!

And combined with my depression and lack of activity due to same plus all our troubles with our fur-girl, I'm not gonna lose a THING if the Universe doesn't smarten up and allow me both time and opportunity to get some exercise in! I used to be so fit and slim, just from ballroom dancing and summer gardening.....sigh....now I feel like a regular cow ( no insult to the cow ).

Yes, Gingko Biloba aids in memory, plus soy lecithin ( for short-term memory AND weight-loss - @ about 2-3Tbsps./day ), plus a goodly amount of water/day. I know this, yet haven't even added it into my own supplement routine yet....just too bagged from all the stresses and stuff to catch up on which fell by the wayside in all our troubles at home. I often feel like such a LOSER, sounding like my Mom..."Someday I'll get ( fill in the blank ) done....", which of course never happened, and now she's dead and I don't want to be following in her footsteps...yet feel helpless to stop the tide. WHEN is life going to get better, I keep wondering? As for the memory, I hate to even say so, but you asked, so.....for me, it's been these 2 long years of swiss cheese for brains....sorry! ( but then, I've also had these mitigating circumstances to contend with for ALL of that time, as our fur-girl started getting more seriously ill at exactly the same time as my Mom had her first stroke )

Edited April 11, 2006 by Maylissa

[shell]

I have to add to what Maylissa said. It's been a year and almost two months since my dad died and I'm still spacey. But the good news is that you know it's normal and you're not losing it! Hopefully your boss will understand and bear with you.

Shell

[pennylayne]

Thanks! I know that it's going to take a long time before any of this starts to go away--especially the memory part. The weight part I don't know about either. I keep binging and not loosing anything! Sometimes I just hate myself. It's a familiar feeling. My boss has no sympathy at all. In fact, after my om died and I ws trying to tell him I was greiving her loss-he said "My mom died and I went back to work immediately"..."Just have to seperate your personal from work. " Well, that was that..of course I couldn't and haven't been able to, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just sit here and don't now what to do!!!I really understand about the loss of animals. I've lost the two most precious ones in the last two years-and the final one who's just a baby doll-he is getting really old. I also have this thing happening that I see my mom on her death bed-and that ws not a pretty sight. the image just comes into my head and then right back out. It makes me feel sick and sad.

[shell]

Pennylane,

As we've all noted on this site, people are totally insensitive at times. And I think men (with the exception of Paul and the other men on this site) as a rule, just "get on with their lives". Maybe it's just a cover and they are as torn up as we are, but they seem to deal with grief that way. At least that's what most of the men I've known have done. So your boss is being "typical".

I know what you mean about flashes of seeing your mom. I did the same thing after my dad died. I would picture him as he looked the last week or so and it would break my heart. I can only tell you that it will "fade" somewhat as time goes by.

My animals are my children, so losing them is just as hard. Several of us here are worried about some of our older babies and if we're going to lose them too. It certainly doesn't help with your original grief!

Hang in there, and give yourself a big hug from all of us,

Shell

[Paul S]

In Guy School we are taught that we are never to let 'em see fear, pain or any type of vulnerability. That's for you girls, because we can protect you.

(This leads to the phenomenon of never asking for directions when we're lost. )

We internalize it and show off our John Wayne side. Stern, rugged individualism, along with being in control of our emotions leads to our finding mates to procreate our bloodline. Being insensitive or indifferent shows we can control our environment and thus attract fertile and willing mates.

I think I read that somewhere in an old "Omni" magagzine. It explained why men prefer younger, healthy looking women and why women prefer older, wealthy men.

[shell]

Paul,

I agree that men tend to hide things and it goes back to all the "men should be tough" stuff. But they could comfort us without looking weak! Men are dense sometimes!!!!! Maybe it's not their fault...I don't know.

As far as wanting "younger, healthy looking women"....I could start a long list of reasons for that! And none of them are exactly "honorable" haha.

Thanks for the male input,

Shell

[pennylayne]

I just have to say Paul-I worked at OMNI magaizne the whole time it came out. when they stopped publishing it it broke my heart. I always thought they ahd great stories and great art. I kinda get the 'protecting' aspect-but I have to say that my husband just didn't know what to do with my grief. In fact, I think in a way he was afraid of it. And I think men feel powerless over us because there is nothing they can do!!!! And when they grieve it becomes something different. All that 'we are men' stuff happens. But, wew are all humans here..and feeling are very much the same. That's why we get the comfort we get.

[Shirley]

I'm new to this site - I'm grieving the loss of my Mom (1yr, 4 monts) AND my Dad (5 months) - I am still so overwhelmed with grief I think there is something wrong with me. I'm 47 and feel 12 - so sad that my Mom died. I can't hardly talk to people cuz i just start crying and feel embarassed. I relate to the memeory issue - I forget to stop at red lights....among other crap. I feel like I've lost my life, the joy is gone, I'm sad all the time...yikes.

[Paul S]

Hi Shirley.

The feeling that there is something wrong with you because you have so much grief is normal. Virtually every single person at this site has felt the same as you do.

You think you're going crazy, or your mind is fracturing, or you can't stand the emotional rollercoaster, its all just nuts!!!

Well, no, not really. Its quite normal what you're going through.

I'm 43, and my Mom died last November. Did I feel like 43? Nope. I felt like a little boy who's been abandoned by Mom.

Eventually, you'll get through it and learn to cope. Keep sticking around this board, peruse the topics and you'll find a bunch that will resonate with you. Read 'em, join in and you'll discover a lot of people who'll understand.

This place has been a lifesaver.

[KathyD]

Shirley,

I'm so sorry for your losses. There is nothing wrong with you - everyone grieves in different ways. I lost my Dad three weeks ago and although at times I feel "normal" there are days where I feel like I'm totally blank inside. I try to rationalize everything but the memories can be overpowering and rise up suddenly. I also can't really talk to anyone even though I do have people around me...I just can't put on a game face and act like nothing happened. Don't feel embarassed about it, though, because you have nothing to be embarassed about. If someone doesn't understand then they have no idea what you're going through. I'm feeling guilty because I can't bring myself to meet up with my Mom for a movie since it would remind me of my Dad (love of my life). The three of us used to go see a movie then have dinner afterwards, and while I'm trying to be there for my Mom I can't handle the memories yet. OK, ranting now! Just wanted to let you know that grief is normal and everything you're going through is normal.

Kathy

[shell]

Shirley,

Paul is right, everything you are feeling is normal. And your losses are so recent. It took me a long time to talk about it (when my dad died) to other people. My whole family tends to be "private hermits", so to speak, when it comes to personal issues, so it was hard for any of us to talk about it to others. However, once I did start talking about it (and found this wonderful site!) I started healing, a little at a time. I don't think you ever completely "heal" from the death of a loved one, but you will be able to cope with the loss, or losses, better in time.

KathyD,

Feel free to rant anytime you want. This is the place to do it!

Good luck and hugs to ya both (and one for you, Paul)

Shell

[patty smith]

Shirley, I am sorry for your loss. It's been a year May 3, 2006 since i lost my mother(Shirley), and four years since i lost my father. I still fell crazy sometimes. My mother was my best friend in the world. I have two kids one is five and one is nine , sometimes they ask me if we can go see grandma and that hurts me, to say we can't. I am always sad on the holidays.

[Paul S]

Hi all.

It doesn't help much that Mother's Day (in the USA, don't know if Cananda or the UK has it) is coming up. My first without Mom.

Not to mention that the weather is warming up, and it will be soon time to plant stuff at the gravesite. My Mom and I did it each May for my Dad's site, now I have to do it alone for the two of them.

Hugs to everyone, and especially to shell (hiya!)

[pennylayne]

It will be my first mother's day without my mom-it will be a drag. I'm running into something I didn't want to notice at first-but it's with me and the anger is big. I'm having alot of flashbacks to growing up-which was not a happy deal. My parents did their best..but it was lacking in love-touch-I was made fun of alot by my mom-for example one day I didn't wear the clothes that day she wanted me to-she burned all the rest. It was one of the worse things. She would get mad and chase me with a carving knife. I was made to feel ugly and unwanted most of the time. she would run around screaming at me 'where's my blue sweater' and when I told her she was wearing it just got smacked. I haven't yet accepted that most of what was suppose my sisters and mine-antiques etc. she gave to my nephew..because he went to college-unlike the two of us. I could go on and on-but my life with her was not happy. I iked having her as a friend the last 15 years-but topics ofthings eing given to my nephew always came up. I objectd alot but it neer happened that they came my way-even when they belonged to me! This happen to any of you? I know I need to work on acceptance.