Today Was Horrible !

[shubom]

Today was horrible. Just like that horrible day at work.....with my boss chewing me out over my work hours. I guess I hadn't really got over that and have been on pins and needles ever since. Well today, I took off early from work, because my car needed an oil change/tune-up. I usually go to this mechanic, but lately he's been jerking me around on dates and times. Finally we settled with an appropriate time, and I showed up. After waiting for 20 minutes, I found out he has someone before me, and after that they are taking lunch. So they will need my car for 3-4 hours! I couldn't believe it...For an oil change?! I was so annoyed that I took off work early for nothing ! I wanted to say something not so nice to him, but I didn't.

By that time, my head was spinning like crazy, the grief was taking over, and I was trying hard to think of another mechanic I could go too.

I couldn't take it, and I just broke down.

I cried and cried for my dad. I tried remembering back 6 years ago when he showed me how to put oil in my first car he bought me. I tried to remember which mechanics we went too, and I just couldn't. It all became a blur, then I tried to remember my mom and how I'd be able to call her for help, if only she was there ! The grief was overwhelming that I just got into my car and drove home. This is the first time I've been home by myself since I found my mom on the living room couch.

I'm here now and I'm just so sad. This house feels so empty without her. I miss her so much.....why did she have to leave me?! I wish I could just feel normal again.....but I know that won't ever happen....

[shell]

Oh, Shubom, I am so sorry. There are days when you just don't feel like you can take one more problem or crisis or injustice or anything! Even if it's something that is "small" and not life or death. There are days when I have to run errands, and I swear that if I don't get home soon, I'm going to end up punching somebody!

I'm glad to hear, though, that you went home. I feel like that was some kind of major step you took. I know how lonely it feels, but maybe you realize that your moms spirit is there in some way. Do you feel her "presence" in any way? I bet she is watching over you right now.

Hang in there, sweetie, and take care of yourself. I know you probably think I'm crazy for saying this (the way you feel right now), but I think you are progressing and heading in the right direction, even if it's baby steps right now. Just keep taking those little steps and things will get better, I promise.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi shubom, I agree with shell, it does seem that you are getting a little better, what with taking 'baby steps' and going home.

Things will get better, even thought that seems like only hollow, empty words.

Quite often I have found in the now 5 1/2 months since my Mom's death that the little things she did for me that I have to do for myself give me a 'grief attack', just like your car crisis. No matter whether you're a guy or a girl, or how old you are, you were always somebody's kid. Now you're not. Even the things I did for her, and now just do for myself, give me a grief attack. And its the ordinary things, like oil changes and grocery shopping and so forth. Not always the big, eternal things.

The little stuff can get ya.

Take care and keep talking to us.

[shubom]

Thank you shell and Paul for your words of encouragement. I agree that it was a small step, but a good move to go home. I miss home you know? I miss having a place to go to, and being able to relax. These past few months, I've been staying with my aunt, and it's not the same. I leave early in the morning and don't really go back till 9pm at night. So I spend all day trying to keep busy or twirling around in my grief. I'm just so tired. And little everyday issues get to me. It's like I try to separate the small issues from grief. But I can't! Everything seems connected. I even try to catch and calm myself before reacting, but the more I sit there and think of how to solve the small issue, the grief jumps in and it's just too much for me to bear. So while I'm trying to stop the pain, the obsession, the madness, I reall can't ! I can't control the grief....

I went home yesterday, but I didn't tell any of my relatives. It was something I had to do for myself. I had to go through it alone. It was hard at first. I cried all the way there, and as I got closer, I started having doubts. But I went anyways. The house was very empty, but I was ok. I didn't feel strange until it got dark. That's when I thought I heard strange noises, etc. But that is where it hurts the most. My mom and I were so alike. We both were chicken to stay in the house alone at night, especially if one of us wasn't there. We'd always laugh and joke about it, but we were serious. LOL So staying there alone now without her, and knowing she'll never come home, is really hard. I can't just call her and ask her what time she'll be back. She's never coming back ! It's hard, but I'm glad I took that major step. Hopefully one day, I'll be able to stay there over night.

Paul, my mom did the same for us. She bought all the household items. She had a good stock of everything. But now the supplies are running out, I have to go and get them. Over the weekend, I had a hard time finding some of the items. I wanted to get everything exactly like she got it, but I couldn't find the exact items she bought. I couldn't think straight, and the grief hit me hard. IT's like she had a role in our household, and now she's gone ! It's devastating.

Shell, I constantly try to imagine my mom around, but it's really hard. I think I felt her presence in the house, but as soon as it got dark, I had to leave. As I closed the door, I kept picturing her on the stairway looking at me leaving her. But I just had to go. I miss her so much. I miss how I can't do anything for her anymore, so I don't know if she's doing ok. You know? I was always so worried about her, and now that part of me is gone. I feel like my mom has changed forms, and because I can't see her, then maybe I'm rejecting her, and maybe she's hurt? I don't know. THis grief is overwhelming.

Thanks for listening

[Paul S]

Hi shubom!

I'm here a lot today as I have a f2f grief counseling appt in a few hours.

Anyway, one thing I've learned from this board is that you can't control grief. Its emotional and you have to let it lead you. (I think I was told that in a topic I started about "Still going nuts after 4 months" or something like that. I think it was in "Behaviors...") That's what I do, and feel somewhat better for doing that. Trying to control it, especially as tough a time you are having, is like herding a few dozen cats (or just even 2). Can't be done.

You're running out of the supplies your Mom bought? Oh, boy, I know all about THAT. I still have some but getting lesser and lesser. Remembering what she got isn't hard for me as these last few years I did all the shopping, but its very tough when I have to go to the store for the first time and replace something that when last purchased she was alive. I really feel for you, kiddo.

Just keep trying as best you can with the small stuff. You've gotten better, and even though you sometimes feel as though you're sliding back, that's OK, too. It happens to all of us.

[KathyD]

Hi everyone,

I'm relatively new here but completely relate to what everyone is going through, whether it be a week or years (I'm going on week 3 of losing my best friend, my Dad). Grief surrounds me but it does hit when least expected. I went with my mom today to look at a condo for her and when I realized that all the holidays I spent at my home are gone for good I lost it. I feel like I'm a robot that breaks down without warning. I don't think I'll ever be "me" again and the crying spells come all the time. I try to be strong but how can you be if you've lost someone so close to you? I keep wanting to call my Dad for advice but know that he's not there anymore (it seems silly but changing the phone number from his name to my Mom's was devastating). Since I'm not working it makes things either easier or harder, but the small stuff hits out of the blue. I remember my Dad suffering in the ICU and cry, but when I thought of the bureau he had in his hospital room and the things in it I broke down. That's not really normal thinking! It's so hard...my friends try to be supportive but unless you know the pain they can't be. Sorry for rambling - just a tough time today and wanted to let all of you know that I do understand.

[shell]

Shubom,

I am also afraid to be alone, especially at night, so I can totally relate to how you're feeling and how tough it will be for you to spend that first night alone someday. But I have to say that I am very proud of you. As I said before, you took a huge step (not just a baby step, so forgive me for phrasing that way ) when you went to the house and did it by yourself. That took real coutage. Keep up the good work and someday you will be able to stay at home and relax and have time to yourself. I think that will also help you heal.

KathyD,

Your grief is so new. Nothing you feel or do is "not normal". Grief is a crazy roller coaster of emotions and it is all normal. I agree with Paul, you can't control grief and you have to just let it lead you. We are all so concerned about staying strong...I finally gave up and gave into the grief and it helped. And I cry over the darndest things. I can think of some things that would seem more painful and keep some "control", but I'll lose it over what might seem like silly things. It's just normal, so don't think you're going wacky! I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also understand completely about changing the names on things....it is so hard and seems so final. It just makes his death more real. I went through the same thing when my dad died.

Everybody hang in there and hugs to all,

Shell

Paul

[Daddy's Girl]

I just read your post after having an absolutely horrible day yesterday. I understand completely how you feel. I have been on the site before and shared that I lost my father in December of 2005. Things were going okay for me lately. I felt that I was coming to terms with the way things were, but then a few days ago I started feeling out of control again. Maybe because Easter just passed, I don't know. My family and I were not extremely religious, but we always spent the holidays together. When I woke up on Sunday and realized that I had absoultely nothing to do and no where to be, I felt horrible.

Anyway the feeling carried over to Monday morning. On the way to work I almost got a speeding ticket, due to the fact I was upset about an arguement that my husband and I got into that morning. Then at work (I'm a teacher), I asked a student why he was rolling his eyes and making faces everytime I talked. He responsed with "Because I hate you." Right in front of my entire class (5th graders). I kept my composure and sent him to the office, but I felt like yelling at him and telling him to leave my room and never come back. Most kids are very compassionate and understanding, but this one is horrible. I felt just like quitting and leaving it all. Today is a little better, I guess. I am still feeling down and like I want to run away. It feels so horrible when a few weeks go by and you feel better, then one morning you wake up and it's horrible all over again.

Sorry to ramble, just wanted to share.

Daddy's Girl