Mother died suddenly

[Di Fw]

My beautiful, lively, happy, energetic mother died suddenly. She got up during the night, fell and bumped her head, and went into a coma. She did not wake up. She was in a coma for three weeks and then died. Only those who have lost a loved one, will understand the immense feeling of pain and isolation that comes with grief.

She was due to move to the USA this year, I had found her a small apartment as she liked to be independent, found doctors for her to visit and was preparing for her big move. I was ecstatic to say the least and so was she. We both could not wait for the big day talking place this year.  On February the 5th she fell, I received a call and immediately made plans to fly to South Africa. I sat at her bed daily for two weeks, talking to her telling her how much we all loved her, and willing her to wake up. The surgeon treating her suggested that I fly back home and said it would be weeks before she woke up. He said he would keep in touch and let me know the minute she starting showing signs of waking, he said this would be best, and I could then fly back. I have a job, I paid her medical insurance and her bills, and so made the tough decision of returning to the USA to commence work. I spoke to my mother, promised her I would be back, as soon as she awoke.

A week later I received a call, my precious mother was not going to make the next few hours they said, she died soon after the call. I have such feelings of guilt, why didn't I stay a week longer, why did I listen to the Doctor and return home? I should have been there at her side when she died. I I just feel so angry, and so sad that she was taken so suddenly, and at the point where she was due to move and live close to where I am.  We were going to do so much together, had so much more to see and do, but that is now gone and not to be.  

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry for your loss, my dear, and my heart reaches out to you for the pain you're feeling in the aftermath of your mother's sudden, unexpected death. Clearly you had some wonderful and exciting plans in place as you anticipated her moving closer to you, and now all your hopes and dreams have been lost. So  you are mourning the loss of the future you had planned as well. I hope you will allow yourself sufficient time and patience to lean into your grief, feel whatever you are feeling (including disappointment and anger) and know that we are holding you close.

I invite you to read these articles, in hopes that their content may speak to you in a helpful way:

In Grief: Coping with "Moment of Death Guilt"

Guilt in the Wake of a Parent's Death

Is Anger One of the Stages in Grief?

[Sweetwater]

I am so sorry for your loss.  There is nothing like losing a Mom... when I did, my life turned upside down.  My Mother, Mom, best friend, confidante, she who gave me life, gone, in a flash.   I know the pain you are feeling and it never goes away, but you learn to live with it.

I was by my Mom's side with my sister as she took her last breath.  I do believe that when we pass, we have some choices... Let me explain.

When Dad passed, I was 25 years old, and he had been ill for 3 years.   The last two weeks of his life, we were ALL at the hospital, every day.   One day, I chose to leave for about 30 minutes to buy my young brother a pair of tennis shoes for his birthday the next day.... and while I was gone, Dad passed.  Why me, why was I the only one not to be there.  It took me years to accept this, but now I do belive it had to do with my inner strength and he knew that if I wasn't there, I could hold up the family.  

Could it be your Mom wanted you not to view her departure?  She didn't want you to relive this in your mind, (like I still do)... those last breaths.  At least you saw her sleeping and alive.

It's just a perspective, I hope somehow it will help you, but I do know how hard it is... all your plans, your future... her future... it must be that she was needed elsewhere, and had to go at that time.

Prayers are with you, be strong and love your memories with your Mom... you will have those for the rest of your life. 

 

[Di Fw]

Thank you so much for responding to my post, it helps a lot to know that there are people out there who do not know me, but who care. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To connect with people like you means the world to me. Thank you. And yes, I sometimes think that perhaps my mom was hanging in there , waiting for me to leave, so she could too make her departure from this earth. So thank you for suggesting that is what you thought as well. Thank you for your kind words and for your prayers. Much love, Diane 

[Di Fw]

Hello Marty

I am so glad that I found your website with this forum. Thank you for taking the time to register me and to respond to my post with your kind words.. Reading what people think, the comforting words, and what people are going through as well, does help one. It make you realize that you are not so alone in what you are feeling and experiencing and that people on this forum really do understand. 

It was a lovely feeling arriving home last night to see that there were messages waiting for me that had been sent. Thanks to you and to all for sending.

 

[kayc]

@Di Fw I am so sorry for your loss.  What you are going through with the guilt, that is part of grief, it doesn't mean you deserve or earned the guilt.  I think we go through all of the what ifs as a way of trying to find a different outcome, but the only outcome is the one that happened and you don't deserve to feel guilt.  You've been wonderful and caring with your mom, and your reason for going back to work was to ensure her care!

I don't know why we lose those we love when we do, I lost my husband when he just turned 51, my dad when I was expecting my first child (I was only 29), why do some get to keep their spouse and parents so long and others lose them so young?  Don't know.  I don't see rhyme or reason for it, it just happens when and to whom it does.  We will always miss them and love them but I want you to know that in time the pain's intensity lessens as we begin to adjust.  It impacts us in a way that we're never left the same, but our grief evolves and we learn to carry it with us eventually.  You are not alone here, I lost my mom nearly four years ago and miss her still.  (((hugs)))

[Di Fw]

Hi there thank you so much for you post in response to what i had posted. That is so sad that you have suffered so many losses of people close to you, life sometimes is just not fair and just cannot be explained. 

I appreciate your comments and your post. I wish you peace and love through your journey as well.

With love and appreciation. Diane

 

 

[kayc]

At my age it seems loss is just part of life.  You begin to realize death would be more aptly described as "transition" because the person's spirit does not die but goes on to what is next, and we will be there too someday.  I realize this is not the end of the relationship with those I've loved and lost in the here and now...we will be together again.  I realize not everyone believes the same, but most of us have a realization that this is not the end, there's so much more that we don't know or can't explain, and even that unknowing can bring hope.  I like to watch videos on space, the universes, how vast it all is!  It helps me realize there is so much more than what is my world right here and now.  I'm part of a bigger something.  It's all beyond me, so I take it on faith, I can't explain any of it, but I know that it is.  It brings me comfort.

I wish peace for your soul, and hope the threads here help you to realize you are not alone in your feelings of loss, there have been countless people cross through here on their journey.  It helps having this place to come to.

[Di Fw]

Hi KayC

Thank you for your post and for your words of comfort I appreciate it very much. Yes, I do look forward to the day that I meet up with my mother again, and believe that somehow it will happen. There is more to life than we understand. Right now it is just the thought of the years ahead on earth that I have without her, that I am still really battling to come to terms with. I am generally a very happy and positive person, and am trying to see the beauty in everyday things and be thankful for what I do have in my life. Some days though, it is still so tough and the waves come crashing down on me and I feel like I am in this big void and have this major feeling of pain and emptiness, it leaves me feeling exhausted. It does help talking to people like yourself who have experienced the same, and who can remind me that it will get easier with time. I have started gardening and have made a special area for her out on our patio, where she used to sit  when she visited me. I have also done up one of my bedrooms with a desk for myself and put up various photos of her.  Another special place for my mother. 

Thank you again for your message, I was so happy when I saw that someone else  had taken the time to respond and reply to me. It is people like you and others on this forum that make a difference in our lives and give us hope and keep us going. THANK YOU. Wishing you the very best. Di

[kayc]

Your attitude is positive and will help you through this.  I, too, remind myself to look for good in each day and try to embrace what is good and not merely focus on what I've lost.  It is hard to be without them in the meanwhile, that is for sure, sometimes that ache can be pretty deep!

Your area on the patio and making the desk area a tribute to her sounds lovely, I think she'd be smiling about that.

I've had to learn to take one day at a time...when my husband died, I was 52 and in my family we live well into our 90s, the thought of living 40 years without him was daunting.  I can't take on 40 years, but I can do today.  Then tomorrow I just get up and do it all over again.  It helps to break it down into bite sized chunks.

[Di Fw]

Hi there,

Thank you for your message and kind words. It must be really difficult for you losing your life partner at such a young age. So many years ahead without him by your side and especially as you were saying that your family generally live well into your 90's. And yes, you are so right, taking it one day at a time is so much easier to do, than thinking of coping for years to come. How long have you been on your own now? Do you work full time, I was just wondering.

I found that I didn't want to go back to work and face people again after my mom died, but it actually does help to be busy during the day and focus on what needs to be done and sorted out for everyone. . People in the workplace were sympathetic initially, but not for long, they too have lives and they soon forget about how you are feeling. I have one woman at work who also lost her husband like you, three years ago, and she still calls me up once a month, and we have coffee together and she always asks me how I am coping and doing. I can do the same for her, which is good.

Well, I wish you a good day, and a good rest of the week. It is lovely chatting to you, it really is. 

Thanks again for taking the time to message me, I appreciate it. Thinking of you and sending best wishes and hugs your way!

 

 

 

[kayc]

It's been 13 years since he died.  I lost my job after he died, it was the beginning of the recession, no jobs in my community, so I had to commute 100 miles per day.  I lost my job again, and then again and that time, 4 1/2 years ago, I decided to retire as it was getting harder to see to do my work and see at night, driving.  I haven't driven at night since, the last time I tried was terrifying as I had to inch my way home.  (I later learned I have a condition called Fuch's dystrophy of the corneas.)

When you lose your spouse, it can rearrange your friends list, it certainly did mine.  It changes the equation as you're no longer part of a "couple" and many people are just uncomfortable with death so avoid you.  I did make a new friend that had been an acquaintance before, she was very understanding and just a few years later she lost her husband also.

The one thing I've noticed is that after a period of time people seem to think you should be over it...you never get "over it"...grief has no expiration date.  It does evolve though, and we somehow manage to adjust to even the unthinkable, but we continue to love and miss them the rest of our lives.  I lost my mom four years ago and still wish I could call her or go see her.

I'm glad you have a friend that understands!

[Di Fw]

Hi there

Yes, people do think that you should be over it. Unless they have suffered a loss themselves, they have no idea of what life is like for someone who has been through it and how very different it will always be for us, moving forward. 

I am sorry you can't pick up the phone and call your mother, or go and see her, I know exactly how that feels and how difficult that must be for you. Our mothers are the ones who ask us how we are and they really mean it, they are proud of us and show it it so many ways. I miss that. I too suffer from night blindness, and avoid driving at night as much as I possibly can. 

Relationships definitely do change after we lose a loved one, friends and for me even my relationship with my husband. He was very supportive initially, but now does feel that I should be stronger, much happier, getting over it, and coping much better. My mom only passed away four months ago. I therefore now, do not often show him or tell him how I am actually feeling.

Well as we both said, there are always things in life to be thankful for. If we look for them, the are definitely there! : )

I hope that your weekend is a good one.

Thanks for your messages. Wishing you the very best with everything moving forward.  

[kayc]

Di Fw,

I'm sorry you're feeling unable to express yourself fully around your husband due to his comments that show he doesn't understand what you're going through and how far entrenching grief is.  I encourage you to talk with him candidly and let him know the how his comments affect you and try to explain to him that grief continues and it can take years to adjust to these changes.  If he still doesn't get it, perhaps you could see a grief counselor and have him come with you...if he heard it from a professional maybe it'd sink in?  I hate to see you having to hold back with him because he's not well versed in grief.

Maybe these might help understand...
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[Di Fw]

Hello

Thank you very much for sending the links to me. My husband is a good person but just not the sensitive type at all, and would not ever consider going to a counselor with me. i have tried talking to him but no more, I will now work through this life changing event, and will somehow get there. Having people like yourself to talk to who really understand is really wonderful. I read somewhere that once you lose a mother, child or partner it is like walking around with sunglasses on, nothing ever looks the same again. I am sad, but positive in life and am looking forward to the day I meet up with my beautiful mother again.  

I hope that your week has been a good one, I am really happy that it is Friday tomorrow, then the weekend for us to relax and enjoy. Wishing you a good weekend as well. Sending hugs and happy thoughts your way. Thanks again for your message.

[kayc]

I can understand his not wanting to see a grief counselor with you, but I do hope this doesn't cause a wedge between you and that you can convey your feelings to him.  We do all grieve differently, I get that...men grieve differently than women too.  Yes, grief colors our perspective, everything we see life through.  

[MartyT]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

We do all grieve differently, I get that...men grieve differently than women too. 

You may find this article helpful, too: How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

[Di Fw]

Thank you for sending the article Marty. Much appreciated.