Intimacy After Loss of a Child

[findingmyway]

After much deliberation I wanted to ask a question on a private and sensitive, but ultimately important topic.

How long after the passing of your child were you and your spouse first interested, able to be sexually intimate again? What was that like? How did it come about? 

 

This is such a fraught and complex piece of our personal lives, but this community seems so warm and open and thoughtful that I would be very grateful indeed for your insights.

[kayc]

I have had about every loss but a child.  It may be a while before someone answers you, but I hope you don't lose heart.  I'm very sorry for your loss.  Have you tried privately messaging ones who have lost a child (in previous threads here)?

[echo]

Hi findingmyway,

Thank you for opening up this topic. It's something that I've been thinking a lot about, but didn't have anyone to talk to about it.

My son died just over 2 months ago. He was 49 and lived alone...had a few too many drinks (apparently) and choked during the night of August 8, one day after my 71st birthday.

My present husband is Bruce's (my son's) stepfather. We've been married 7 years and physical intimacy has  been somewhat more important to him than to me for the past couple of years, but 4 days after I learned of Bruce's death, even though I was numb and NOT in the mood, i just let it happen. It was our anniversary.  I guess I just didn't have the words to say, "It's too soon, I'm frozen"...

It's not really a relationship breaker, I feel disloyal for even sharing this, but also relieved. My husband has been very supportive in so many ways.

Blessings, findingmyway, I would be interested in hearing your story as well.

 

echo

[findingmyway]

Thank you so much for being willing to share, particularly because it may be such a complicated memory. I wonder whether you and your husband had any discussions about that after the fact, or whether you resumed a regular schedule of intimacy? When did it--if at all yet--begin to feel OK (to use your language "unfrozen")?

Please of course feel free to message me directly if any of these seems too intimate for a public space. Or, of course, simply ignore it altogether!

[kayc]

echo, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Nene]

It has been months since my son passed away, he was 21 and he had an autoimmune disease, but they never figured out what it was. My husband and I have not been intimate and we don't talk  about my son. He will talk when we go to the grief counseling group, but will not talk to me about him. Sorry for your loss.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, as you share with one another about your experiences, you may find these articles helpful. Note that links to additional related resources are included at the base of each:

Grief and Sexual Intimacy

Does Child Loss Destroy a Marriage?

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents

Silent Grief: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

[kayc]

I have had two friends over the years that lost their children, in one situation she made it through with her marriage intact, but oh God it was hard!  The other had an affair, which their subsequent marriage counselor told them is often common.  I guess looking for connection or something.  

Honestly, I'd recommend counseling...if the latter couple had had it sooner, who knows but their marriage could have been salvaged, but as it is, they divorced.