How can I face this Christmas without my Dad...

[mik]

I have been in several different groups here, loss of significant other, loss of a pet, and now I am once again grieving yet another loss. The loss of my father.  (I may have posted about this loss in another group shortly after it happened, Im not sure.) My dad was diagnosed on my birthday in February with a rare form of cancer. He had not been well for some time.  He passed away a week later. I thought I handled it better than I thought I would. I have been caring for my mom since that time. I live here with her now.  I felt ok until Thanksgiving.  The holiday was terrible for me and mom even though we were surrounded by my two brothers and their family. I could see mom's sadness, which just made mine worse. Now I am faced with Christmas. I dread it. I even went as far as posting on facebook that mom and I wanted to go away for the holidays. My cousins, aunts and uncles offered us places to go, but unfortunately my mom is having cataract surgery at the same time, four days before Christmas and won't be able to go. Then I realized that this is not really about her loss as much as it is mine, and how I want to run away from this grief. I am beginning to see that there is no place to "run" to escape my grief and Christmas. I can't stand thinking of the holidays without my dad and seeing the sadness in my mom. I have become depressed (I already suffer from anxiety and depression) Every show and Christmas commercial that I see makes it worse. I don't know why this is happening now. I made it through Easter and all summer long ok...but I am having a really hard time now? I feel guilt, loss, depression and anxiety.  Is this normal, 10 months later? 

 

Edited November 28, 2018 by mik
Mispelling

[iPraiseHim]

Yes.  All of your thoughts and feelings are normal.  I still experience them now. Commercials, music, calendars, etc.. are all triggers for me.  The beauty of this group is that we all understand and grieve with you as the survivors of the deaths of our loved ones.  My mother, brother, and beloved wife have all died. Christmas used to be a happy and festive time but now it is just different. 

Your recent loss of your father is still so fresh and raw.  The first year, after my wife died was the roughest.  Life was forever altered.  Now I am still learning to adjust, adapt,  and accept the feelings as they come.  I continue to strive to just feel the feelings and let them pass through.  The intensity of this pain of grief will lessen over time and as we learn some valuable grief tools and resources that are available here.

I remember you and your posts.  They helped me during me deep pain, sorry, and grief.  Praying for you,  God's Peace, Rest, and Assurance. - George (Shalom)

[MartyT]

Kimberly, my dear, I agree with all that George has said, including his assurance that all of your thoughts and feelings are normal. And since this is your first Christmas without your dad, it's not at all surprising that you are dreading its arrival. Still, Christmas comes whether we want it to do so or not, so you might consider how you and your mom could include your memories of your father in however you choose to observe the day. For example, you might select a small gift to give to each other on your dad's behalf, and label each with a tag as if it were coming from him. Select the loveliest Christmas cards you can find for a wife and a daughter, sign them with your dad's name, and give them to each other as if they've come from your dad. You could plan a meal that features a favorite dish or menu of his to share, and even set an extra place at the table for him. Place a special ornament on the tree that represents your dad or something you love about him. Think of some other creative ways to invite your dad's presence into your Christmas rather than working so hard to suppress or ignore the loss of him. You'll find all sorts of ideas in the various articles I've listed here: Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources 2018 ♥️

[kayc]

The holidays tend to exacerbate whatever we have going on with us, and loss is no exception to this!  That first Christmas without George I did NOT want to do Christmas!  I only went along with it for my kids' sakes.  It was so painful!  

Yes, you wrote about your dad passing February 23rd (my mom's birthday...I lost her four years ago).  Loss of a dad is a significant loss and can be hard to get used to.  I'm so sorry you're going through loss again, I know it's tough.   

I continue decorating the house because George really loved Christmas, and every season, and enjoyed it to the fullest.  He reminded me of a puppy wagging it's tail.  He was so festive, so fun.  I hang his stocking, put his ornaments on the tree, and invite him to sit with me as I watch the sappy Hallmark movies.  I'm not into the shopping and since I can't drive at night, I now miss the community choir and events I enjoyed.

Honestly, I think we have to get through this however it feels best comfortable, whether it's finding a way to celebrate with our loss or to skip the whole thing (as I finally had to do that first Easter).  That first Christmas we all wrote something to George and put it in his stocking.  I hope you'll find some other ideas in the article Marty posted.

And Kim, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.  

[mik]

Hello, sorry I have not been on here for quite a while, since before Christmas. I made it through!  I want to thank everyone for the great ideas of how to deal with the loss of my Dad.  It's has been difficult for everyone but especially so since my Mom and I are living without Dad here at house. We kept busy, spent time with family and missed Dad but kept on going. Valentines day is our next big challange. I think we will manage to get through that as well. I just wanted to thank everyone here. I am so grateful for this groups support.

Edited January 21, 2019 by mik
Misspelled word

[kayc]

I'm glad you made it through the holidays okay...next challenge Valentine's, I hope it won't be as hard.  I had a hard time taking my tree down this year, I felt Christmas hadn't happened yet, it felt like a letdown to take down the tree and decorations, but I guess this is just how it is now, I don't know why it hit me harder this year as it's been so many years now.  I guess we can't question emotions, they are what they are.

I just read your bio...I, too, used to ride Harleys (on the back), it's been years, now I'm just an old lady with fading memories.    But I was very interested to read you are a case manager with the homeless population.  God bless you and all of the work you do.