Lost my Dad 3 months ago

[Julieg]

Hi I'm new here. I recently lost my Father at the end of this past September. It was very sudden. He lives out of state and would call me every week. I knew that one fateful day that something bad happened when I didn't get the call. I frantically contacted my family after attempting to reach him. They discovered my Dad laying passed on the floor  after having authorities break down the door to his home. I have been a huge mess of emotions since then. I have already endured having to break the relationship with my Mother because she wasn't treating me very nicely, my brother had just cut off a relationship with me and won't tell me why, 2 of my Uncle's passed right before my Dad so I have already been going through a huge emotional upheaval. My life has changed so much since Dad has passed. I miss him so terribly  our talks greatly. We recently got closer over the past 5 to 6 years as I have gotten older (late 40s) and I felt good about this because when I was younger we didn't talk as much.  So short history;I have been married for 27 years with 3 grown kids. Lately my husband seems to be getting frustrated with me because he wants to know when things will be "normal" again, as if he wants some final answer now! I have tried to explain to him many times about what I'm going through in explicit detail.I'm trying my best to be proactive and I feel so much pressure. Sometimes I think I want to leave him so I can catch a break! I don't know how else to tell him....I want to run away! I just want to be able to have some peace!!! Thank you for taking the time to read this. 

 

 

 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Julie, to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your father, and I'm sorry too that your husband is getting frustrated with you in your reactions to this significant loss in your life. You say you've tried to explain to him what you're going through but feeling frustrated yourself in the process. It may help for both of you to do some reading about what is normal in grief, so neither of you will continue along this path of misunderstanding. It also may help if you find someone other than (or in addition to) your husband: someone who is familiar with grief and who will support you and listen to you without judgment. You've made a good start by joining our online support group, where you are now among kindred spirits who know first-hand the pain of losing a parent, and who will walk beside you as you find your way through this pain. That also may mean your making the effort to meet with a qualified grief counselor or to find an in-person grief support group in your community, where you can find the sort of in-person compassion, understanding and support you need and deserve.

I invite you to begin with some of the following readings ~ and note that each article lists additional resources at the base:

Grief: Understanding The Process

Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

In Grief: Feeling No Support In The Wake of Loss

Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You

[kayc]

Julie, I'm so sorry for the death of your father.  In light of what you've already been going through with your family, you may be feeling it's one of your last ties to your history, as well as mourning the loss of your father.  I'm sorry also for what it's putting your marriage through, it could be that marriage counseling might help as your husband might listen to a neutral party easier than your telling him...grief has no expiration date and you must feel something like, "I'm grieving as hard as I can!"...sometimes people who haven't experienced this have a really hard time understanding what they don't know and they want us to "move on" because that would make THEM more comfortable!  But it's not about them, this is about you and YOUR loss.  And I believe you're doing the best you know to do.  It's probably not a break from your marriage that you want so much as a break from pressure though...when you're going through grief, that already feels like enough pressure in itself, you don't need more from the outside put upon you to add to what you're dealing with.

I do hope you'll continue to come here and post, it really does help to voice yourself and know you're heard and understood, it can be validating.

Maybe this will help you understand what's going on with you and your husband during this painful time:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/03/in-grief-supporting-partner-in-mourning.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/05/death-of-parent-negative-impact-on.html

[Julieg]

Thank you MartyT and Kayc.. I have had so many conflicting emotions about how to carry on and even attempt to integrate this into my life. I do feel that he was the last connection to my family of origin.I didn't have as much history with my Father. I have little to hold onto, with the exception of our talks we shared over these past few years and some memories of Summer visits growing up. I feel angry because he was ripped from my life. i had no time to say goodbye, nothing. I have just begun to realize that he is not coming back, ever. I don't know if I was in denial and didn't realize it or, simply just distracted.  I have decided to meet with a counselor so I can talk and adapt some coping skills. I don't want to continually go forward and remember my Dad with so much pain but, right now that's all I have been feeling.

[kayc]

Feeling angry about him being ripped from you is understandable.  This is such a process, it can take a long time for it to sink in that this is our reality now.  I'm glad you're going to see a counselor.  All therapists/counselors are not the same, you'll want to make sure it's a professional grief counselor.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

[Julieg]

I can definitively agree with you about this taking a long time. Every day I wonder how do I go about my regular life and cope with my Dad not in it? Every Friday we spoke on the phone. I find that I'm sort of existing in a limbo of the present and, the day I found out.  I'm having difficulty of disposing of our Christmas tree this year. I think I'm afraid to admit that we have moved into a new year because that means time has moved on but I'm still back in September.

I will definitely take your advice on the counseling; thank you.

[kayc]

It's a common grief response that the New Year's is hard because it's hard to move into a new year that they haven't been in...it makes us feel like we're leaving them behind in the last year they lived in.  But time does move on, whether we're adverse to it or not.  I also had a hard time taking my tree down this year, I think a part of me felt like Christmas hadn't happened yet and I was adverse at saying goodbye to it because of that.  I guess I can expect such letdowns as I lost my husband long ago and any celebration without him in it feels somewhat of a letdown.  But be that as it may, I have to focus on the present, I have two wonderful grandchildren and two great adult children to be thankful for...it doesn't make up for my loss, but it does mean I have something to appreciate of its own value.  Life is full of changes, some welcome, some not so welcome, but it's important we adapt...and I think I'm talking to my own situation here!

I'm glad you've decided to get some grief counseling, do let us know how it's going, okay?  Wishing you the best...

[Julieg]

Hi Everyone,

It has been nearly a year since I've been here. I have been busy with work, my daughter getting married, my oldest son moving back near us and my youngest getting through his 1st year of college.

This past September marked a year that my Dad was gone. I have had an extremely difficult past 2 months or so. At first the lure of the holidays sort of distracted me, then as I got closer to them the sadness and depressive feelings just consumed me and anger too;the kind of anger that life is unfair. I see others with their Dad's and their Mom's. I have neither in my life. Some days I am glad I'm not where I was over a year ago and some days I feel that life sucks, really sucks and that it seems it will never not suck, again. I fight with the feelings of maybe I'm not appreciating enough, I don't know.

Learning to "fully" live with the sadness is so, so very hard. 

 

 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Julie ~ but please know that you are always welcome here, no matter how often or how seldom you decide to visit us. Clearly you've had so much going on in your life that I doubt if you've had much time to pay attention to your grief ~ and now, with the hustle and bustle of the holidays behind you, there it is again, demanding your attention.

I'm just wondering ~ did you ever find a qualified grief counselor to help guide you through these losses?

[Julieg]

MartyT,

I did attempt counseling, briefly. I felt the person wasn't a right fit for me and well...I haven't returned since last Summer. I believe you are right though. I haven't had time to take complete care or attention to my grief. Any moments where I am alone or not distracted, thoughts of my Dad return to me. How do I get this across to my immediate family members? I want to say something but maybe they will believe that I should be feeling better? I have read that after a period of time people move on with their own daily lives and forget about those who are still grieving.

 

[kayc]

Try not to worry about what others think of your grief as all of our grief journeys are unique.  

It's not uncommon to take two or three tries to find a good fit for a grief counselor.

It could be since it's that time of year that it's bringing it up again, or that the busyness/holidays being past leaves you free to think about it.  It's common to miss them and have them come up in our minds at any given time, at least it does that with me.

[Julieg]

I try to not worry too much about it. I have researched on more counselors who are more familiar and learned in grief and I think I possibly have found one. I realize that with no support from my family of origin from basically day one it has been even that much harder for me, personally speaking; especially, my Mother. 

I'm hoping that this counselor can help me work through my anger and sadness and teach me to understand it too so that I can actually feel like I'm in the land of the living again. That being said there will always be a hole in my heart where my Dad was taken away. 

[kayc]

I'm glad you've found a grief counselor, let us know how it's going with that, okay?  Don't be afraid to let him/her know what you're feeling even about your expectation of what you hope to get from counseling.