I need help. I am devastated

[Aleera_lex]

 I just lost my entire world, my love, my best friend, my eternal companion; my furry angel Max.

I feel as my world is falling down. 

On a cold December night od 2010 I was walking down the street and saw a little scared kitten running towards me. I just knew that moment that was it. Love at first sight.

A bond was created, I took him home to my mom and we adopted him. Few months before my dad had passed away so I always felt it was a special sign how he ran up to me in a crowded city. It didn’t take long for us to conclude that Max was a special kind of cat. I mean all pets are special... and we had cats before but there was something so different about Max, both in his looks and even more in his character. Little did we know (we found out later);Max was a Maine Coon. He was big and furry and as it’s known for his breed, Max was a gentle giant. In all his huge size and robust body he was the most gentle cat I have ever seen. He loved cuddles, our companionship, sleeping and bothering my mom. Nothing would make him angry or upset. He would never bite or scratch, he was indeed a gentle giant.

Fastforward  Max is a 9 year old happy cat and the center of our world. He still plays and cuddles and everything is fine as always. Then about 3 weeks back he suddenly falls sick and we take him to the vet and we find out he has diabetes and his liver and kidneys are suffering tremendous consequences. We tried everything we can to save him. Insulin injections had become a part of our routine.

Yesterday Max left us. I am in shock, disbelief, sorrow and grief. I feel as much as heartbroken as when my dad died. I feel so lost but I have to work and continue with my job while all I wanna do is sit and cry, cry rivers.😢

Please help me, I am devastated.

 Thank you

[MartyT]

39 minutes ago, Aleera_lex said:

I feel as much as heartbroken as when my dad died. I feel so lost but I have to work and continue with my job while all I wanna do is sit and cry, cry rivers.😢

My dear, I am so sorry for your loss. Clearly your beloved Max was a significant part of your life, and it is totally understandable that you are feeling the loss of him so completely. Earlier today I read something that I think will speak to you, and help you to feel less alone: My Cat's Death Broke My Brain ~ especially when the author writes,

My brain also didn’t derail when my father died. Although I grieved, he hadn’t been a significant part of my daily life since I was an adolescent.

By contrast, Hedda had slept on my bed almost every night for the previous two decades. She’d awakened me every morning at 5:59 a.m. on the dot with a swat to my mouth. If I worked past 9 p.m., she would come into my office and meow insistently. For the previous several years, I had rubbed pain medicine onto her ears twice daily, measured kidney and joint supplements onto her food, and given her subcutaneous fluids every week.

My grief for Hedda was my grief, and mine alone. I was lucky to have immense support from friends, but none of them had shared the unique bond between Hedda and me.

When we take an animal companion into our hearts ~ as you have done with Max ~ they become a part of our daily lives, intimately woven into every aspect of our day. Is it any wonder that we miss them so much when their physical presence is no longer there with us? Please know that the pain you're feeling now is in direct proportion to the level of attachment and the love you have with Max. We do not grieve for those we do not love ~ and the love you have for Max has not died with him. That love is forever and it will be with you always. Find ways to keep his memory alive in your heart. Yes, you have to work, but that does not mean that you cannot give yourself time and space to mourn this loss. Lean into the pain when you are free to do so, and think of it as your way of honoring the depth of the love you share with Max. (See Finding Crying Time in Grief.) Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone. ♥️

[Aleera_lex]

Dear MartyT thank you for your beautiful and reassuring message. It sure did comfort me for a brief moment, at least.

I can see you know what true love and pain means. I remember having red somewhere that 'grief is the price we pay for loving too hard' and although it may sound a bit twisted and unfair it is surely true.

Only now I can see how my love for Max was deep and true, unconditional and genuine. 

Grief is something so sinister, one moment you're fine and the next one you're on the floor feeling someone is ripping your heart out. I have never stopped grieving and missing my dad, however I do find truth in what was written above. I was very close to my dad emotionally but he was pretty absent most of the time due to work, in contrast to Max who was always there. 

That's where the void and emptiness kicks in. I can't imagine coming home and not seeing him, tears my heart in pieces. I am very happy I have find this forum and people who can understand my pain because I am sure people at my work won't.

 

Thank you very much, 

 

In honour of my angel

I love you and will love you till the day I die and we meet again❤️

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.y.  We get so attached and when they're gone, we're missing all of the daily interactions we're used to with them, all of the things that were an everyday part of our lives with them.  I pray you find comfort even as you're missing your Max.

[Aleera_lex]

Thank you Kayc. I got a little bit distracted now while on work but the thought now of an empty home makes me shake and dread.

I truly still cant believe he is gone. Such a void in my heart. I hope I can heal one day. I feel almost guilty that I have to continue my everyday life as if nothing happened. 😪

Thank you for the support ♥️

Hugs from cold New York

[kayc]

You might consider adopting another one when you're ready.  It in no ways replaces them but it does give you someone to come home to and love.  I can't imagine myself without my dog and cat and when the time comes I will likely adopt another, I always have.
I hope the weather warms up a bit, I can't imagine being on the east coast or midwest right now!

[Aleera_lex]

Thank you Kayc. I will most definetly adopt again. I cant live without a 'pet' or as I better call them another family member. The issue is that my mom is grieving so much for Max that she doesn't want anymore pets because the pain of losing Max is too much for her. I understand and hope she changes her opinion overtime. No one can replace my Max but I wanna give a chance of a loving home to a new fur baby, hopefully soon.

Thanks once again for the replies and this forum, it's really helping me knowing I am not the only one.

Kisses and hugs from a little bit warmer NYC.

 

❤️

[Tracy crank]

I lost my sweet dog Dave he was only five and he was my best friend and I miss him so much, he was diagnosed with epilepsy at twe years old and he was only five, he had fits every four days despite medication and on the 22 of February he had twelve in about two hours, he came round but for only seconds, he was bumping into everything and was very confused, I knew then that he couldn’t take anymore and we had to euthanise him but I can’t stand the guilt, I feel that I let him down and betrayed him, he was my baby, I wanted to die with him. Please help me 

[kayc]

I am sorry for the loss of your dog...you say you lost him Feb. 22 but it's not here yet so maybe you meant Feb. 2nd?

Guilt is a common feeling in grief...not that we earned or deserve it, but it's just a byproduct.  We go through all the whatifs as if we're trying to find a different outcome only there isn't one, only the one that happened.  I think you did what you felt was best for him so he wouldn't have to suffer, and in so doing you put his needs ahead of your own, what any loving parent would do for their baby.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/09/pet-euthanasia-when-is-it-time-to-say.html

[Tracy crank]

Sorry, I meant 22 of January, bad day today.

[MartyT]

It's okay, Tracy. Those of us familiar with grief know this fogginess as "grief brain." It happens to all of us. Please take Kay's words to heart, and know that you did everything in your power to take good care of your baby, even unto death. I am so sorry . . . ♥️

[Tracy crank]

Thankyou so much, now I know someone cares and understands this devastation and hurt, I’m so thankful someone is there.

[kayc]

I know right now is really hard...it does settle into something a little less intense as we begin to process our grief and adjust to our lives without them, very hard but it happens bit by bit, as our brain allows.  It's just such a shock at first and so hard to get used to their being gone.  I pray for some peace and comfort to come your way, I'm sorry it hurts so much.

[Tracy crank]

Thank you so much kayC, I just wish I could have gone with my baby, I’m terrified that he won’t be waiting for me when I pass, I take comfort in the stories of people who have been visited by their own babies.

[MartyT]

Do Pets Go to Heaven?  ♥️

[kayc]

Good article, Marty.  It's common for grievers to question everything they've been taught that they took at face value beforehand.  Contrary to this being bad, it can be good as your faith seems more solidified after questioning, even if it presents a different way of viewing things previously held.  What is a value if not questioned?  Rather than fear questioning, believe in your faith's strength to withstand scrutiny.

I don't argue my beliefs with others, but rather hold what I believe all the more solidified after all I've been through, and I totally believe there are animals in heaven...I'll be looking for my Teddy, Fluffy, Autumn, Miss Mocha, King George, Chappy, etc.  What a great reunion day that will be!  I don't know how everything will work, but we were placed in charge of the animals here...there I think we'll all have our needs met, perhaps we won't "own" our pets in the same way we do here,  but we will be with them and enjoy them and their happiness.  That's a glimpse of how I see it, maybe others "see" it differently, that's okay too, we'll all find out someday how it works!